It's weird, this being the end of 2009. Even more weird is the ending of a decade, where so many historical events have taken place in the last ten years or so. I remember the terrorist attacks on 9/11, the start of the war in the Middle East, and the election of our nation's first black president. I can also recall the little things, such as how at the beginning of this decade, I still listened to and purchased CD's, bought regular rolls of film for my camera, and talked on a regular home phone line.
This year was a particular trying year; alot of good memories with some not-so-good memories. In a way, it was like taking one step forward, but yet I always ended up going two steps backward. Alot of it (or perhaps the majority) had to do with the fact that I stressed myself out way too easily and way too often. Too much stress is the main reason why almost everything I've had going on in my life has been so difficult, as well as why I never seem to have enough energy by the end of the day
I've never been the type that usually makes New years resolutions (or sticks to them, for that matter). In my opinion, anyone has the ability to start over at anytime during the year. Plus, you don't have to wallow in whatever you dealing with for another six or more months. But as I thought about it, I've realized how refreshing it really is to have a fresh start in a brand new year. For example, if you've been having a tiff with a friend for quite some time and would like to work it out in the coming year, perhaps your friend would want to do the same.
But if I were to really pick a resolution, it would be to not worry so much; because let's face it, I have been an extreme worry-wart for most of my life, and it hasn't done me a whole lot of good when it comes to relationships and living life in general.
Which leads me to say that I've come to believe that part of the reason I worry so much is due to the fact that I'm still struggling with self-esteem and having confidence in who I am. There are at least a dozen moments at a time where I'm constantly asking myself, "what does this person really think of me?" If I happen to send a text messege, make a phone call or write something on facebook and don't get a reply back, I have a tendency to question as to whether or not I did something to piss them off (therefore, over-anazlyzing the most recent conversations or interactions involving that person). In a way, I've almost indirectly become dependent on other people's opinions about me to determine how I personally feel about myself. As ridiculous as this all sounds, it's the truth. And not only that, but it also took alot of guts to be honest about it with myself, much less my own blog.
The first thing I had to do was admit that I simply cannot do it on my own. Over the past four months, I would go to people in my life (mainly my parents) and ask for advice; when they'd give me the best answers they could, but I always walked away with an "I don't need you, I can do it all by myself" kind of attitude. One of my friends later explained to me how I can't rely on my own strength, to say the least. My relationship with God has been somewhat sour over the past two years, for reasons I won't get into at the moment. But there is so much a simple prayer can do, even if you don't know exactly who or what you're praying to.
Secondly, I need to get off the computer,(especially facebook) shut off the tv, put away the cell phone and get back into life. No, I'm not cutting these things out completely because they can do wonders when it comes to communicating with friends and family. However, I'm only allowing myself a certain amount of time each day to be on or involved with these things, because they've begun to dominate my emotions. Sometimes that will also mean getting out of my room, and getting out of the house. I'm on a mission to start going to my local fitness club alot more, getting involved with some service projects, and picking up some new hobbies.
I really have no idea where exactly this will all lead, or how long it will take me to accomplish these things. I'm just thankful for a new beginning.
December 31, 2009
December 28, 2009
Yes, it's been bugging me for quite awhile
Note: The following post is somewhat of a "rant" as they call it; it might contain a bit of profanity, and I may come off as a griper and complainer. Just so you know
For most of my life, I've usually been an open book about my experiences and the things I go through. In the past, I was one of those people who normally called it as they saw it. However, over the last five years or so I've struggled with being able to fully trust someone (or people, for that matter). Most of the time, it happens on and off. But it's definately something I've battled, and am still battling. Although now I find myself more confused then ever.
Trust is a simple little word, but can be a difficult concept for many. It's the foundation for many, if not all relationships, because without trust you can't really have a relationship. Yet in a world of advancing technology, where one can easily hide their true feelings behind a computer screen or a text messege, it can be a little tricky. There are those that deserve all the trust in the world and those that deserve none at all. The hardest part is being able to differenciate as to which is which.
For me personally, trusting other people is something I've had to work on for a very long time, particularly when it comes to confiding in others about the good, the bad and the ugly things that go on in my life. Alot of the times when I go through things, I usually don't talk about it (at least for awhile) due to being afraid of how even my closest friends and family members might see me. For example, I wish I could really talk to someone about how there are times when I become frustrated with how I am physically; that I am embarressed about not having done certain things that most people have done by my age, and how I am afraid of not accomplishing the goals that I've set for myself. There are times when all I want is for someone to hold me and listen to what I have to say. But on the other hand, I feel as though I have to constantly carry myself with a huge amount of dignity and grace. I don't want to be pitied or viewed as an incredibly needy person.
I'm ashamed to admit that I forget a key point when it comes to trust; that the truest of friends and the ones that really matter will be there for you, one way or the other. It won't make a difference as to how bad the situation is, or whether or not they'll be able to understand what you're going through, they'll be there. And if some walk away (and I've had to learn the hard way that there are those that will) then they obviously shouldn't be in your life in the first place.
Trust is essential in life, and not just in regards to friendships; one has to trust that no matter what each day brings, that they'll have the strength to get through it. That in the midst of hardship and difficulty, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And ultimately, that God loves them enough to give them only what they can handle, and even when they feel they can't, that God will carry them.
Because as one of my favorite quotes says, Love never fails.
For most of my life, I've usually been an open book about my experiences and the things I go through. In the past, I was one of those people who normally called it as they saw it. However, over the last five years or so I've struggled with being able to fully trust someone (or people, for that matter). Most of the time, it happens on and off. But it's definately something I've battled, and am still battling. Although now I find myself more confused then ever.
Trust is a simple little word, but can be a difficult concept for many. It's the foundation for many, if not all relationships, because without trust you can't really have a relationship. Yet in a world of advancing technology, where one can easily hide their true feelings behind a computer screen or a text messege, it can be a little tricky. There are those that deserve all the trust in the world and those that deserve none at all. The hardest part is being able to differenciate as to which is which.
For me personally, trusting other people is something I've had to work on for a very long time, particularly when it comes to confiding in others about the good, the bad and the ugly things that go on in my life. Alot of the times when I go through things, I usually don't talk about it (at least for awhile) due to being afraid of how even my closest friends and family members might see me. For example, I wish I could really talk to someone about how there are times when I become frustrated with how I am physically; that I am embarressed about not having done certain things that most people have done by my age, and how I am afraid of not accomplishing the goals that I've set for myself. There are times when all I want is for someone to hold me and listen to what I have to say. But on the other hand, I feel as though I have to constantly carry myself with a huge amount of dignity and grace. I don't want to be pitied or viewed as an incredibly needy person.
I'm ashamed to admit that I forget a key point when it comes to trust; that the truest of friends and the ones that really matter will be there for you, one way or the other. It won't make a difference as to how bad the situation is, or whether or not they'll be able to understand what you're going through, they'll be there. And if some walk away (and I've had to learn the hard way that there are those that will) then they obviously shouldn't be in your life in the first place.
Trust is essential in life, and not just in regards to friendships; one has to trust that no matter what each day brings, that they'll have the strength to get through it. That in the midst of hardship and difficulty, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And ultimately, that God loves them enough to give them only what they can handle, and even when they feel they can't, that God will carry them.
Because as one of my favorite quotes says, Love never fails.
December 23, 2009
Beneath the Surface
Everyone has a story; the chatterbox in your English class that won't stop talking, the co-worker who always has a latte in their hand and asks one too many questions, even the next-door neighbor, whom for some reason is always happy and smiling, regardless of the crap going on in the world at the moment. (note: I'm not referring to anyone in particular, these are just examples that I'm using to try and make a point). Each one of us has endured triumphs and tragedies that shape our lives, and ultimately play a part in who we are.
These days, it seems like whenever I talk to someone, I always get the standard "I'm fine" type of reply. Alot of the time that tempts me to ask "Well, how are you really doing?" being that I've gotten quite good at reading facial expressions and the look the people often get in their eyes. However, I never usually ask any further because 1. I don't like to piss people off (on purpose, that is...I do realize that happens every now and again). 2. I know that very few actually like sharing the details regarding what's been bothering them, and 3. if they do happen to feel like talking about it, they will.
I've always loved having heart-to-hearts with people. It's a beautiful thing when you can really bare your soul to someone without holding back. I've been on both sides of the curtain, both as a listener as a talker. As a talker, it's a relief when I tell someone (sometimes, for the first time ever) what I've been going through over the course of time. I remember back in eighth grade when I broke down and finally revealed to someone, at the time what I had kept to myself for a little over a year. This person was patient, understanding and held no sort of judgment whatsoever, and I even to this day it's hard to describe the joy that comes when you realize that you're not alone.
As a listener, it gives you a different (and often times better) prespective on life). When I've spent time with someone and they've opened up about their experiences, I've come to the conclusion that even though life may be difficult, there is always someone out there who has it alot worse. Secondly, I gain a huge amount of respect and admiration for that person because they've had to endure a huge storm and came out of it alive.
Perhaps the most important, as well as memorable aspect of it is the bond; whether it's a bond that has been created out of sharing something so incredibly deep with that particular person, or a bond that has been strengthened because of just being able to talk about something like that with that person, there's a bond that's definately there.
However, there are definately risks when being so incredibly open, and often making yourself vulnerable to another. You take a chance of being taken advantage of and getting hurt. I know this for a fact because I've been there, and it's a situation I'm still currently in. In a nutshell, I shared my weaknesses and struggles with someone and over the course of time, they took advantage of those things. And unfortunately, it's not the first time it has happened.
Because of that, there is always this little voice inside my head that asks "is this going to come back to haunt me somehow"? every time I open my heart to someone. It has made trust and incredibly difficult thing, and I still don't have the answers as to when I finally know that I can trust someone.
They say that by keeping people at arms length, you don't get hurt. And in a sense, there is alot of truth in that. However, I personally feel that you lose out on alot more by not taking the time to get to know someone. You may just lose out on a beautiful relationship, as well as many beautiful memories.
These days, it seems like whenever I talk to someone, I always get the standard "I'm fine" type of reply. Alot of the time that tempts me to ask "Well, how are you really doing?" being that I've gotten quite good at reading facial expressions and the look the people often get in their eyes. However, I never usually ask any further because 1. I don't like to piss people off (on purpose, that is...I do realize that happens every now and again). 2. I know that very few actually like sharing the details regarding what's been bothering them, and 3. if they do happen to feel like talking about it, they will.
I've always loved having heart-to-hearts with people. It's a beautiful thing when you can really bare your soul to someone without holding back. I've been on both sides of the curtain, both as a listener as a talker. As a talker, it's a relief when I tell someone (sometimes, for the first time ever) what I've been going through over the course of time. I remember back in eighth grade when I broke down and finally revealed to someone, at the time what I had kept to myself for a little over a year. This person was patient, understanding and held no sort of judgment whatsoever, and I even to this day it's hard to describe the joy that comes when you realize that you're not alone.
As a listener, it gives you a different (and often times better) prespective on life). When I've spent time with someone and they've opened up about their experiences, I've come to the conclusion that even though life may be difficult, there is always someone out there who has it alot worse. Secondly, I gain a huge amount of respect and admiration for that person because they've had to endure a huge storm and came out of it alive.
Perhaps the most important, as well as memorable aspect of it is the bond; whether it's a bond that has been created out of sharing something so incredibly deep with that particular person, or a bond that has been strengthened because of just being able to talk about something like that with that person, there's a bond that's definately there.
However, there are definately risks when being so incredibly open, and often making yourself vulnerable to another. You take a chance of being taken advantage of and getting hurt. I know this for a fact because I've been there, and it's a situation I'm still currently in. In a nutshell, I shared my weaknesses and struggles with someone and over the course of time, they took advantage of those things. And unfortunately, it's not the first time it has happened.
Because of that, there is always this little voice inside my head that asks "is this going to come back to haunt me somehow"? every time I open my heart to someone. It has made trust and incredibly difficult thing, and I still don't have the answers as to when I finally know that I can trust someone.
They say that by keeping people at arms length, you don't get hurt. And in a sense, there is alot of truth in that. However, I personally feel that you lose out on alot more by not taking the time to get to know someone. You may just lose out on a beautiful relationship, as well as many beautiful memories.
December 21, 2009
I Remember (#1): That little Christmas Card
I don't know if some would call this a habit or a gift, but I for some strange reason I always seem to remember the littlest things, regardless of how much time passes between the day when that memory occurred and now. Alot of the time, it's because that particular moment or occassion had (and still has) sentimental value to me, therefore it becomes practically engraved in my brain to where I can still picture certain things or faces when it happened. This came back to me when I was watching "Elf" two nights ago..
I was thirteen, and it was the last day of school before Christmas break let out. Every major holiday (aside from Easter) student council did this thing where you'd pick out a little piece of candy, write a messege and then send it to someone. I do remember that alot of people commonly called it a "Candy gram" so to speak.
Now I don't know about all of the other girls, but I was one of those that would always hold my breath, hoping and wondering whether or not I was going to get one. (I lucked out during Halloween and made it a point of letting my friends know how I felt about it. Yes, it was shallow, I know.) Today I find myself chuckling over the fact that getting one of those things was so important to me at the time; but in most cases, I don't think it was neccessarily whether or not you got one. What really mattered was really who sent it and what it said.
Anyway, the student council officers began passing them out while I multi-taskingly kept my fingers crossed and tried not to get my hopes up. There were some that only got two or three, while this one guy next to me got five or more (I can't remember how many exactly, but it was quite a few). Finally after what felt like the longest time, someone handed me a card with a little candy cane attached to it.
It was red and had a picture of a little German Shepheard on the front of it. I turned it over, only to see that the sender spelled my name with an "i" instead of a "y" and had simply written the words "Merry Christmas." It didn't say who it was from, although I had huge suspicisions because I recognized the handwriting. I didn't officially find out until Christmas Eve, when my Mom and brother told me who it was at dinner.
Nearly five years later, I still have that card tucked away in a little box; not because of who it was from neccesarily, but rather that someone took the time to do something incredibly kind when at time in my life, I wasn't sure how many kind people were out there in the world. It motivates me to remember that the littlest things can often bring the biggest joys. It's something I've chosen to hang on to as 2009 slowly comes to an end and we go into 2010, my last month or so as a child before I officially become an adult.
I was thirteen, and it was the last day of school before Christmas break let out. Every major holiday (aside from Easter) student council did this thing where you'd pick out a little piece of candy, write a messege and then send it to someone. I do remember that alot of people commonly called it a "Candy gram" so to speak.
Now I don't know about all of the other girls, but I was one of those that would always hold my breath, hoping and wondering whether or not I was going to get one. (I lucked out during Halloween and made it a point of letting my friends know how I felt about it. Yes, it was shallow, I know.) Today I find myself chuckling over the fact that getting one of those things was so important to me at the time; but in most cases, I don't think it was neccessarily whether or not you got one. What really mattered was really who sent it and what it said.
Anyway, the student council officers began passing them out while I multi-taskingly kept my fingers crossed and tried not to get my hopes up. There were some that only got two or three, while this one guy next to me got five or more (I can't remember how many exactly, but it was quite a few). Finally after what felt like the longest time, someone handed me a card with a little candy cane attached to it.
It was red and had a picture of a little German Shepheard on the front of it. I turned it over, only to see that the sender spelled my name with an "i" instead of a "y" and had simply written the words "Merry Christmas." It didn't say who it was from, although I had huge suspicisions because I recognized the handwriting. I didn't officially find out until Christmas Eve, when my Mom and brother told me who it was at dinner.
Nearly five years later, I still have that card tucked away in a little box; not because of who it was from neccesarily, but rather that someone took the time to do something incredibly kind when at time in my life, I wasn't sure how many kind people were out there in the world. It motivates me to remember that the littlest things can often bring the biggest joys. It's something I've chosen to hang on to as 2009 slowly comes to an end and we go into 2010, my last month or so as a child before I officially become an adult.
December 19, 2009
This time..you do it
I've never been the type to have very high standards in regards to men. I've always been pretty outgoing and am not afraid to go up to a guy and talk to him, call him, ect. You get the idea right? I wrote this after my last potential relationship (if you want to call it that) somewhat fizzled out. Deep down, I've always wanted a guy to be the one to come after me, not exactly the other way around.
The Chase
Ever since the early years, love has never been far from my mind
Always had an object of affection
But that doesn’t mean it worked out every time
Now I haven’t quite got it all figured out
Still a puzzle, why things tend to happen the way they do
All I know is that feelings have often left me blind
Blind enough to where if I don’t do it, then it doesn’t happen at all
Maybe I’ll give waiting an old-fashioned swing
Not what you’re thinking, but waiting for him to come to me
Don’t expect a date if you won’t be the one to ask
Don’t think I’ll go tracking you down if you decide that you’ve had enough and won’t bother to call me back
Be sincere what you surprise me, not just because it’s what I’d want
And there’s definitely no need to rush
I’m tired of being on an endless merry-go-round
Sick of what never seems to come full circle
I want someone to fall in love with me first, then give me a good enough reason to love them back
It may be a lot of work
But I’ll make it worth the chase
The Chase
Ever since the early years, love has never been far from my mind
Always had an object of affection
But that doesn’t mean it worked out every time
Now I haven’t quite got it all figured out
Still a puzzle, why things tend to happen the way they do
All I know is that feelings have often left me blind
Blind enough to where if I don’t do it, then it doesn’t happen at all
Maybe I’ll give waiting an old-fashioned swing
Not what you’re thinking, but waiting for him to come to me
Don’t expect a date if you won’t be the one to ask
Don’t think I’ll go tracking you down if you decide that you’ve had enough and won’t bother to call me back
Be sincere what you surprise me, not just because it’s what I’d want
And there’s definitely no need to rush
I’m tired of being on an endless merry-go-round
Sick of what never seems to come full circle
I want someone to fall in love with me first, then give me a good enough reason to love them back
It may be a lot of work
But I’ll make it worth the chase
December 18, 2009
Now we're getting somewhere
I've been subscribing to blogs, reading blogs, but haven't really taken the time to personally blog myself. Don't get me wrong, I've had the time and ability to form about a million topics in my head, but my brain has been going about a million miles an hour for the last month or so, and I haven't really been able to actually slow down up until this point.
Perhaps the most relieving event that has taken place is that I'm officially going to college. After five weeks of agonizing and wondering what exactly was going on, I finally recieved a letter in the mail congratulating me on my acceptence. Well no, it didn't quite go like that. Both my mom and I had been making frequent trips to the mailbox and coming back empty-handed. By that point I felt as if I were grasping at straws; alot of my friends were getting accepted to that particular school or just getting accepted to their first choices in general. After not recieving anything yet again, I went online to my admissions profile to see the word admitted sitting next to my application status.
To say the least, I was overjoyed; I screamed, yelled, shed a few tears that all kept me awake until three o'clock the next morning. I did shortly afterward sit down and talk with my parents about it. I had been accepted to two other schools and was bit torn between going down to Florida and sticking with the midwest. Despite the lure of the warm weather and attraction of being able to go to the beach, I ultimately stuck with my first choice. There was no sense in trying to debate between the two.
And it's true, I have been wanting to go there for as long as I can remember. No, I won't say what school exactly, (given that this is the internet) but it is a Big-Ten University with a fabulous creative writing program. One of my friends suggested it to me during my sophmore year of high school, just as I was beginning the initial dig of looking into colleges. Fast forward almost two years, I can still recall when I felt like I knew. My mom and I had just finished the group tour and were doing a bit of independent exploration; we went into drinking coffee at one of the local coffee houses when I told that this place was it. She told me, "I know, because you're feeling the same way I felt back when I stepped on this campus for the first time almost thirty years ago."
And despite having to wait and constantly ponder the "what-if's" of the whole thing, I just had a feeling in my gut that that's where I was going to go.
Yet make no mistake, the hard work doesn't stop at an acceptance letter; in fact, it's still on very much of a hinge since this is only the end of the first semester. But at least I have a motivation, an initiative.
To add to that, there is alot of skepticism regarding my ability to survive both physically and emotionally on that big of a campus. I cannot give any answers at this moment, only to say that I've accomplished so much in my life and beaten the odds so many times. So why stop now?
I still have a long way to go, about seven months to be exact. For now, I'm going to enjoy what I have and be grateful to God for this opportunity. It's definately a blessing, and one that I won't just sweep under the rug.
Perhaps the most relieving event that has taken place is that I'm officially going to college. After five weeks of agonizing and wondering what exactly was going on, I finally recieved a letter in the mail congratulating me on my acceptence. Well no, it didn't quite go like that. Both my mom and I had been making frequent trips to the mailbox and coming back empty-handed. By that point I felt as if I were grasping at straws; alot of my friends were getting accepted to that particular school or just getting accepted to their first choices in general. After not recieving anything yet again, I went online to my admissions profile to see the word admitted sitting next to my application status.
To say the least, I was overjoyed; I screamed, yelled, shed a few tears that all kept me awake until three o'clock the next morning. I did shortly afterward sit down and talk with my parents about it. I had been accepted to two other schools and was bit torn between going down to Florida and sticking with the midwest. Despite the lure of the warm weather and attraction of being able to go to the beach, I ultimately stuck with my first choice. There was no sense in trying to debate between the two.
And it's true, I have been wanting to go there for as long as I can remember. No, I won't say what school exactly, (given that this is the internet) but it is a Big-Ten University with a fabulous creative writing program. One of my friends suggested it to me during my sophmore year of high school, just as I was beginning the initial dig of looking into colleges. Fast forward almost two years, I can still recall when I felt like I knew. My mom and I had just finished the group tour and were doing a bit of independent exploration; we went into drinking coffee at one of the local coffee houses when I told that this place was it. She told me, "I know, because you're feeling the same way I felt back when I stepped on this campus for the first time almost thirty years ago."
And despite having to wait and constantly ponder the "what-if's" of the whole thing, I just had a feeling in my gut that that's where I was going to go.
Yet make no mistake, the hard work doesn't stop at an acceptance letter; in fact, it's still on very much of a hinge since this is only the end of the first semester. But at least I have a motivation, an initiative.
To add to that, there is alot of skepticism regarding my ability to survive both physically and emotionally on that big of a campus. I cannot give any answers at this moment, only to say that I've accomplished so much in my life and beaten the odds so many times. So why stop now?
I still have a long way to go, about seven months to be exact. For now, I'm going to enjoy what I have and be grateful to God for this opportunity. It's definately a blessing, and one that I won't just sweep under the rug.
November 20, 2009
Con-fi-dence
It's quarter to seven o'clock on a Monday morning, and I'm trying to find some type of necklace or pair of earrings that will add a little "oomph" to my drab and well-worn school uniform. I still have yet to do my hair, which is beginning to look like it's been zapped by lightning due to the lack of moisture in the air. On top of all that, I look in the mirror, only to wish that I had taken the time to apply make-up.
I've spent so much time mulling over this stuff that within what feels like a minute, my brother announces that it's time to leave for school. And with that, I walk out the door with one thought repeating itself in my mind:
I look like crap, which is making me feel like crap. Ugh, I don't think today is gonna be all that good of a day.
It seems like today people have become so used to a culture that depends on lovers, friends, possesions etc. to feel good about themselves. I've seen girls as young as eleven walk around with what literally looks like a pound (or more) of make-up on their faces. I once went to school with someone who throughout the day, would apply and reapply cover-up/foundation to hide her acne (in reality, it only make things worse because you could literally see how much of it she put on).
I myself have battled confidence and self-esteem issues since I was a toddler. On our way to a football game a couple of months back, I did actually ask my mom "Do you really think I'm pretty, or are you just saying that because I'm your daughter?" In my early teen years, I allowed what people said about me influence, and almost dictate what I could and couldn't do. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anything or anyone, almost to the point where I viewed myself as a worthless piece of existence.
The previous year was probably when I was at my lowest point; not because of gossip or anything of that nature, but because of what I would tell myself. Long story short, there was a guy that I had taken a keen interest in, and he was one of those that a vast number of girls gravitated to/were interested in as well. I was always comparing myself to them; how they acted, what they looked like, etc. I became so unsure of myself that I even compared myself to my closest friends! (Reason being not because of him, but because of their personality and attitude. They were almost what I wanted to be and I didn't know how to do that.) When it all came down to it, I lost myself for a little while.
I think I needed that sort of thing to get where I am currently. Over the summer I realized how tired I was of always feeling inferior, always allowing my fears and insecurities to hold me back. From that I coined the saying, "It's one thing to have insecurities, but it's another to let them get the best of you."
The guy and I didn't talk or text very much over the summer, and it made me examine certain aspects. My feelings for him were no longer bringing me joy, but flat-out just bringing me down. Over the course of the last couple of months, I felt the need to step away from the world of guys and relationships and just focus on myself and appreciate what I have. Also, I'm at a point where I want a guy to be the one to ask me out on a date, to be one one to pursue me.
And for me personally, I know that who I was at that time really isn't who I am at all. I want my friends and family to be able to see who I really am, to see more of my strengths then my weaknesses.
Ist it easy? HELL NO!! It's actually a day-by-day process. I didn't just wake up one morning and vow that I would always believe in myself, that I would always be happy. I have to work at it every single day. Alot if not most times, I have to pray and ask God to be with me because I simply can't do it on my own. When I'm doing certain things like driving or taking some type of test, I have to tell myself repeatedly that I'm able to do it; I have to envision myself accomplishing that task.
It doesn't always happen, and that goes for every human being on this earth. There are days where I feel down, where I'm more of a scaredy-cat then a go-getter. I think everyone is allowed to feel bad every once in awhile, you just can't wallow in it. When that happens, I remind myself that everyone deals with this stuff, and that I'm the only one stopping myself from being who I want to be and going after what I want.
Of course, there is being too confident; meaning you say it more than you actually live it out. And you're not humble. Have I been through that? Yes.
Everything I've been through to get from there to here has been painful and frustrating, but nevertheless eye-opening. My journey does not end here; I'm sure there will be plenty more times in the future where I will fall, but will eventually get back up and keep going.
There's an old saying about how confidence is key. Way back when, and even not too long ago, I didn't understand that. Now that I've begun to apply to to my life, I feel like I really do.
I've spent so much time mulling over this stuff that within what feels like a minute, my brother announces that it's time to leave for school. And with that, I walk out the door with one thought repeating itself in my mind:
I look like crap, which is making me feel like crap. Ugh, I don't think today is gonna be all that good of a day.
It seems like today people have become so used to a culture that depends on lovers, friends, possesions etc. to feel good about themselves. I've seen girls as young as eleven walk around with what literally looks like a pound (or more) of make-up on their faces. I once went to school with someone who throughout the day, would apply and reapply cover-up/foundation to hide her acne (in reality, it only make things worse because you could literally see how much of it she put on).
I myself have battled confidence and self-esteem issues since I was a toddler. On our way to a football game a couple of months back, I did actually ask my mom "Do you really think I'm pretty, or are you just saying that because I'm your daughter?" In my early teen years, I allowed what people said about me influence, and almost dictate what I could and couldn't do. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anything or anyone, almost to the point where I viewed myself as a worthless piece of existence.
The previous year was probably when I was at my lowest point; not because of gossip or anything of that nature, but because of what I would tell myself. Long story short, there was a guy that I had taken a keen interest in, and he was one of those that a vast number of girls gravitated to/were interested in as well. I was always comparing myself to them; how they acted, what they looked like, etc. I became so unsure of myself that I even compared myself to my closest friends! (Reason being not because of him, but because of their personality and attitude. They were almost what I wanted to be and I didn't know how to do that.) When it all came down to it, I lost myself for a little while.
I think I needed that sort of thing to get where I am currently. Over the summer I realized how tired I was of always feeling inferior, always allowing my fears and insecurities to hold me back. From that I coined the saying, "It's one thing to have insecurities, but it's another to let them get the best of you."
The guy and I didn't talk or text very much over the summer, and it made me examine certain aspects. My feelings for him were no longer bringing me joy, but flat-out just bringing me down. Over the course of the last couple of months, I felt the need to step away from the world of guys and relationships and just focus on myself and appreciate what I have. Also, I'm at a point where I want a guy to be the one to ask me out on a date, to be one one to pursue me.
And for me personally, I know that who I was at that time really isn't who I am at all. I want my friends and family to be able to see who I really am, to see more of my strengths then my weaknesses.
Ist it easy? HELL NO!! It's actually a day-by-day process. I didn't just wake up one morning and vow that I would always believe in myself, that I would always be happy. I have to work at it every single day. Alot if not most times, I have to pray and ask God to be with me because I simply can't do it on my own. When I'm doing certain things like driving or taking some type of test, I have to tell myself repeatedly that I'm able to do it; I have to envision myself accomplishing that task.
It doesn't always happen, and that goes for every human being on this earth. There are days where I feel down, where I'm more of a scaredy-cat then a go-getter. I think everyone is allowed to feel bad every once in awhile, you just can't wallow in it. When that happens, I remind myself that everyone deals with this stuff, and that I'm the only one stopping myself from being who I want to be and going after what I want.
Of course, there is being too confident; meaning you say it more than you actually live it out. And you're not humble. Have I been through that? Yes.
Everything I've been through to get from there to here has been painful and frustrating, but nevertheless eye-opening. My journey does not end here; I'm sure there will be plenty more times in the future where I will fall, but will eventually get back up and keep going.
There's an old saying about how confidence is key. Way back when, and even not too long ago, I didn't understand that. Now that I've begun to apply to to my life, I feel like I really do.
November 02, 2009
Just. Keep. Swimming.
These days, there've been many moments where I've felt like Marlin from the movie, Finding Nemo. He's trying desperately to get to his son but runs into a crapload of roadblocks in the process of doing so. With me, it's just trying to get where I want to go with my life. I'm done with my college applications, but all this waiting is making me incredibly anxious. In the midst of it all I'm trying to keep an open heart and mind, but it's frustrating because I feel like I already know. Yet, I don't want to set myself up for disappointment.
The hardest part about this year thus far is feeling like I have to carry this particular burden and much more on my own. Now, I do realize that in the grand scheme of things, I am not alone; but I feel as though I'm dealing with alot of things by myself. I'm afraid to talk about my struggles because 1. I don't want to come across as lil' miss negativity and 2. I don't want people to see me as the type of person that always needs help and needs to be taken care of.
I know that I cannot be dependent on anyone or anything for my emotional security; God ultimately is the one that'll take care of that. There are times like these where I wish I just had someone to wrap me in a gigantic hug.
I hate that I barely have time to go to youth group anymore. I hate that my senior year feels more like a chore that needs to be done week after week as opposed to a time I should be enjoying. Ultimately, I wish that these burdens would be lifted off of me, and even more so that I can feel them being lifted.
Pardon me for my complaints. I try to keep this blog as light as positive as possible, but like all human beings, I too have my moments of weakness. When all is said and done, this too shall pass and I'll look back knowing that I grew up and learned from it. But until than, I just have to take everything as at comes. And per Dori, JUST KEEP SWIMMING!!
The hardest part about this year thus far is feeling like I have to carry this particular burden and much more on my own. Now, I do realize that in the grand scheme of things, I am not alone; but I feel as though I'm dealing with alot of things by myself. I'm afraid to talk about my struggles because 1. I don't want to come across as lil' miss negativity and 2. I don't want people to see me as the type of person that always needs help and needs to be taken care of.
I know that I cannot be dependent on anyone or anything for my emotional security; God ultimately is the one that'll take care of that. There are times like these where I wish I just had someone to wrap me in a gigantic hug.
I hate that I barely have time to go to youth group anymore. I hate that my senior year feels more like a chore that needs to be done week after week as opposed to a time I should be enjoying. Ultimately, I wish that these burdens would be lifted off of me, and even more so that I can feel them being lifted.
Pardon me for my complaints. I try to keep this blog as light as positive as possible, but like all human beings, I too have my moments of weakness. When all is said and done, this too shall pass and I'll look back knowing that I grew up and learned from it. But until than, I just have to take everything as at comes. And per Dori, JUST KEEP SWIMMING!!
October 14, 2009
This feeling...
You know, I feel really good right now; probably the best I've felt in a long time. I think it's a combination of things: I have a good sense of what I want, both for myself personally and what I want to do with my life. I've stopped focusing on the usual high school BS and kind of seperated myself from that stuff, if that makes any sense.
The biggest factor that has made a difference is just having confidence in myself; being able to just wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and say I feel good today. This is who I am, and I'm happy with myself. Thank you, Lord. And I don't neccessarily feel that way because of the people that are in my life or what's been happening. I've repeatedly learned that you truly cannot depend on people to make you happy; you have to be able to find happiness in the little things, the things you enjoy doing each and every day.
The hardest part about all of it is not letting my imagination get the best of me, to not expect so much where I set myself up for disappointment. But I'm in a good place, and I want people around me to know that. Better yet, I want them to actually see it. I'm finally starting to realize that so very few of my friends have actually seen the real me; the happy, bubbly person that I am deep down inside. It's just a matter of having that kind of attitude.
I think the key thing, as I've reiterated many times before, is taking things as they come; focusing on today, here and now, and nothing else.
I'm confident. I'm determined. I'm me, myself, and no one else.
The biggest factor that has made a difference is just having confidence in myself; being able to just wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and say I feel good today. This is who I am, and I'm happy with myself. Thank you, Lord. And I don't neccessarily feel that way because of the people that are in my life or what's been happening. I've repeatedly learned that you truly cannot depend on people to make you happy; you have to be able to find happiness in the little things, the things you enjoy doing each and every day.
The hardest part about all of it is not letting my imagination get the best of me, to not expect so much where I set myself up for disappointment. But I'm in a good place, and I want people around me to know that. Better yet, I want them to actually see it. I'm finally starting to realize that so very few of my friends have actually seen the real me; the happy, bubbly person that I am deep down inside. It's just a matter of having that kind of attitude.
I think the key thing, as I've reiterated many times before, is taking things as they come; focusing on today, here and now, and nothing else.
I'm confident. I'm determined. I'm me, myself, and no one else.
October 12, 2009
Confessions of a Semi-bookworm
Ever since I was a little girl, I've always loved to read. I can't be sure as to what age I was when it became a hobby, but I do know that it stemmed from both my parents and grandparents reading picture books to me as a child. Around kindergarten and first grade I would check chapter books around from the library and have my parents read them aloud to me at night before I went to bed. Most of the time it was The Baby-Sitter's Club or the American Girl series based off of the dolls. By the time second grade rolled around, I had learned how to read chapter books on my own and could often read one or two in a day.
I included the word "semi" in the title for two reasons: 1.) I don't necessarily have as much time to sit down with a good book as I used to. I have alot going on these days and spend the majority of my time doing homework/studying, filling out college applications, and sleeping. 2.) I'm not one that reads every genre out there; I have my likes and dislikes, which I'll get to momentarily.
The way I see it, the world of literature is such a beautiful thing. Even before books started getting printed out on paper, there was the passing down of tradition and culture through telling stories out loud. (I'll admit, my neighbor does an amazing job at telling ghost stories around a campfire...he's creeped me out on more than one occassion.) When I read, it's like escaping into another world; sometimes it's similar to my life, and sometimes it's completely fictional.
The kinds of books that I like mostly center around fiction (romance, realistic, some young-adult oriented) and autobiographies/memoirs. There are people that have asked me "why bother with that kind of stuff when you can just read it in a magazine or a tabloid?" I happen to think that magazines and tabloids don't always tell the whole story, and at times, they don't even tell the truth. It's interesting to read a person's own words about their lives and their experiences. Plus one realizes that there is more to a celebrity than what is seen on television or written in some kind of news article.
There are so many to choose from when it comes down to personal favorites, but I think the one I've found myself reading repeatedly is Rachel's Tears, about one of the students' that was killed in the Columbine tragedy ten years ago. What got to me most was that it wasn't just about the tragedy in itself, or the people that made it happen. It was about a regular teenager who loved God with her absolute being and lived out her faith to the fullest extent. I admired the way she reached out to those who were considered "outcasts" and might not have fit in very well. Even today, her story moves me to tears. My favorite authors include Nicholas Sparks and Jodi Piccoult.
And yes, there are those that I don't take a particular interest in. I'm not big on science-fiction or anything involving politics. I find alot of self-help books (especially those pertaining to love and dating) to be kind of annoying. Harlequin novels, or any raunchy titles don't have a whole lot of substance and can get boring real fast.
I must say, I don't quite understand the stigma that is attached to reading now a days, especially with teenagers. Yet, I do respect the fact that there are people out there who don't like to do it, and thats not a bad thing.
This is something that I'll eventually do a later post on, but I neither understand why certain books are blown out of proportion, or even banned from shelves. I understand that parents have the right to be concerned with the material that their children read, and if they feel it be innapropriate, have them not do so. I just don't see the point in trying to take books completely out of public libraries. Again, this is an issue that I'll save for later on. It's something I feel strongly about.
Just a little short-note, I do plan on making future bloggings aimed more toward current events. I don't just want people to come here and read what's going on in my life and nothing else; I want them to learn a little bit about who I am, how I feel about issues in the world today, and why. One may or may not agree with what I'm saying, but hopefully they find my opinions interesting.
I included the word "semi" in the title for two reasons: 1.) I don't necessarily have as much time to sit down with a good book as I used to. I have alot going on these days and spend the majority of my time doing homework/studying, filling out college applications, and sleeping. 2.) I'm not one that reads every genre out there; I have my likes and dislikes, which I'll get to momentarily.
The way I see it, the world of literature is such a beautiful thing. Even before books started getting printed out on paper, there was the passing down of tradition and culture through telling stories out loud. (I'll admit, my neighbor does an amazing job at telling ghost stories around a campfire...he's creeped me out on more than one occassion.) When I read, it's like escaping into another world; sometimes it's similar to my life, and sometimes it's completely fictional.
The kinds of books that I like mostly center around fiction (romance, realistic, some young-adult oriented) and autobiographies/memoirs. There are people that have asked me "why bother with that kind of stuff when you can just read it in a magazine or a tabloid?" I happen to think that magazines and tabloids don't always tell the whole story, and at times, they don't even tell the truth. It's interesting to read a person's own words about their lives and their experiences. Plus one realizes that there is more to a celebrity than what is seen on television or written in some kind of news article.
There are so many to choose from when it comes down to personal favorites, but I think the one I've found myself reading repeatedly is Rachel's Tears, about one of the students' that was killed in the Columbine tragedy ten years ago. What got to me most was that it wasn't just about the tragedy in itself, or the people that made it happen. It was about a regular teenager who loved God with her absolute being and lived out her faith to the fullest extent. I admired the way she reached out to those who were considered "outcasts" and might not have fit in very well. Even today, her story moves me to tears. My favorite authors include Nicholas Sparks and Jodi Piccoult.
And yes, there are those that I don't take a particular interest in. I'm not big on science-fiction or anything involving politics. I find alot of self-help books (especially those pertaining to love and dating) to be kind of annoying. Harlequin novels, or any raunchy titles don't have a whole lot of substance and can get boring real fast.
I must say, I don't quite understand the stigma that is attached to reading now a days, especially with teenagers. Yet, I do respect the fact that there are people out there who don't like to do it, and thats not a bad thing.
This is something that I'll eventually do a later post on, but I neither understand why certain books are blown out of proportion, or even banned from shelves. I understand that parents have the right to be concerned with the material that their children read, and if they feel it be innapropriate, have them not do so. I just don't see the point in trying to take books completely out of public libraries. Again, this is an issue that I'll save for later on. It's something I feel strongly about.
Just a little short-note, I do plan on making future bloggings aimed more toward current events. I don't just want people to come here and read what's going on in my life and nothing else; I want them to learn a little bit about who I am, how I feel about issues in the world today, and why. One may or may not agree with what I'm saying, but hopefully they find my opinions interesting.
October 03, 2009
A season of change
By now, I'm sure alot of these posts regarding the transition of summer to autumn has grown pretty cliche. Truthfully, I've never been a fan of cold weather, and come January you'll probably hear me moaning and groaning about how badly I want to be able to go outside and wear shorts again. Yet for the very first time I find myself entranced with fall; the colors, the smell of leaves, a pumpkin-spiced latte from starbucks, burning candles in my room, wearing hoodies...it's just so...nice.
And as the title says, I feel as if this is a season of change; not just in weather, but in my life too. I'm visiting two more college visits next week, and hopefully by then I'll have founded a school that has cliqued for me. I hope to have all my applications done with by the end of october and get started on some scholarships.
I feel like I have finally gotten back into the groove of writing again. Not just on here, but writing in my private journal and other ideas that come to mind. I've found myself writing poetry alot more because of the trials and frustrations I've experienced over the past couple of weeks. I've come to the conclusion that if anything good can come out of my struggles, it's heartful and passionate thoughts transmitted from pen to paper.
I'll be posting about seperate topics eventually, I just can't be sure how often that'll be. But as I keep saying
One day at a time...
And as the title says, I feel as if this is a season of change; not just in weather, but in my life too. I'm visiting two more college visits next week, and hopefully by then I'll have founded a school that has cliqued for me. I hope to have all my applications done with by the end of october and get started on some scholarships.
I feel like I have finally gotten back into the groove of writing again. Not just on here, but writing in my private journal and other ideas that come to mind. I've found myself writing poetry alot more because of the trials and frustrations I've experienced over the past couple of weeks. I've come to the conclusion that if anything good can come out of my struggles, it's heartful and passionate thoughts transmitted from pen to paper.
I'll be posting about seperate topics eventually, I just can't be sure how often that'll be. But as I keep saying
One day at a time...
September 15, 2009
Fast on the track
As I am now into the third full week of my senior year, my mind has begun to resemble that of a runaway train; going down the track and at a million miles per hour with little to no way of stopping. It's not because I'm stressed and tearing my hair out already (although I won't be surprised if that happens eventually) but rather because there is alot to do and sometimes I'm not sure where exactly to start.
the coursework can be both good and bad, depending on what we're doing and how much sleep I got the night before. There are moments where I asked myself why in the world I'm taking algebra II and chemistry when I don't even have to (my requirements for graduation have been completed, but these are prerequisites to get into certain schools). They say junior year is the hardest year on an academic level, but I've begun to question that; senior year you have academics as well as the future to think about.
I miss my college friends right now, those that graduated the previous year. There are three that I hold near and dear to my heart, and it's been somewhat tricky having to adjust without them. I'm just so used to being greeted with en enthusiastic "hey girl!" in the hallways every day, or being comforted by a wonderful hug when I haven't felt all too wonderful. On the flip side I did get the chance to get to know alot of people over the summer, and it's been great having them around. I only wish I didn't ache so much for what feels so incredibly familiar.
The hardest part is not in fact that schoolwork, the college applications, or everything else in between. I want so badly to be able to take a step back and enjoy the little things, to "stop and smell the roses" as the saying goes. It seems as though I haven't had much time or opportunity to do so and I hate it.
I want to be able to hang out with my loved ones, both friends and family, and just laugh. I wanna get in touch with alot of my old friends and spend time with them; no talking about college or the future the entire time, just have fun and goof off. I can't exactly pinpoint why, but that is the number one thing on my list. Alot of them still mean a great deal to me, and it would do wonders just to be able to catch up. To reminisce. To see how much we've grown and changed.
I miss having deep conversations with people; talking to where by the end you've connected or reconnected with that person (and vice versa). It seems like I never really get to do that with anyone these days, given how busy and fast-paced life has been over these few weeks. I'd like to ask someone how they're really doing or to be asked that question myself, and not have to reply with a standard "fine" or "good." I think it's one of those little things that I've come to love so much; taking a step back from the craziness and clutter of life and just talking.
I have so many plans, so many things that need to get done. But than again, sometimes its good not to have a plan, because you're able to take things one day at a time and find the hidden joy in it.
I know that eventually this will all be worth it in the end, and that I'll grow from these experiences. I just wish I could slow my mind down for a bit....
the coursework can be both good and bad, depending on what we're doing and how much sleep I got the night before. There are moments where I asked myself why in the world I'm taking algebra II and chemistry when I don't even have to (my requirements for graduation have been completed, but these are prerequisites to get into certain schools). They say junior year is the hardest year on an academic level, but I've begun to question that; senior year you have academics as well as the future to think about.
I miss my college friends right now, those that graduated the previous year. There are three that I hold near and dear to my heart, and it's been somewhat tricky having to adjust without them. I'm just so used to being greeted with en enthusiastic "hey girl!" in the hallways every day, or being comforted by a wonderful hug when I haven't felt all too wonderful. On the flip side I did get the chance to get to know alot of people over the summer, and it's been great having them around. I only wish I didn't ache so much for what feels so incredibly familiar.
The hardest part is not in fact that schoolwork, the college applications, or everything else in between. I want so badly to be able to take a step back and enjoy the little things, to "stop and smell the roses" as the saying goes. It seems as though I haven't had much time or opportunity to do so and I hate it.
I want to be able to hang out with my loved ones, both friends and family, and just laugh. I wanna get in touch with alot of my old friends and spend time with them; no talking about college or the future the entire time, just have fun and goof off. I can't exactly pinpoint why, but that is the number one thing on my list. Alot of them still mean a great deal to me, and it would do wonders just to be able to catch up. To reminisce. To see how much we've grown and changed.
I miss having deep conversations with people; talking to where by the end you've connected or reconnected with that person (and vice versa). It seems like I never really get to do that with anyone these days, given how busy and fast-paced life has been over these few weeks. I'd like to ask someone how they're really doing or to be asked that question myself, and not have to reply with a standard "fine" or "good." I think it's one of those little things that I've come to love so much; taking a step back from the craziness and clutter of life and just talking.
I have so many plans, so many things that need to get done. But than again, sometimes its good not to have a plan, because you're able to take things one day at a time and find the hidden joy in it.
I know that eventually this will all be worth it in the end, and that I'll grow from these experiences. I just wish I could slow my mind down for a bit....
September 06, 2009
Loving Others
Recently, I just got back into writing poetry again (for the longest time I was somewhat "dry" creatively; meaning I didn't have very much to write about.) Looking back on these past couple of months, I realized that I've been struggling with something that usually comes so naturally to me: loving other people. Not exactly the romantic kind of love, per say, but being kind to others regardless out how they treat you, and not judging someone before you get to know them. This poem describes what I think that kind of love should be, and how I feel I haven't been doing very good with it.
Loving Others
I try my best each day to love, to respect
But what once came so easily has no become a challenge
As I go on with age, and change progress
Reaching out with words of kindness; at times turn to ignorance and silence
Even more so, going about it the right way
Having patience, being kind
Putting others before oneself
To fully forgive and fully forget
To hope, trust, and banish pride
Ultimately never failing
Yet I do fail, whenever I don’t do any of these things
Especially when I feel anger towards another
Wanting something for myself, jealousy
Loving others means to have a tender heart
To take care of the people around you
Even if you don’t get it back
Loving Others
I try my best each day to love, to respect
But what once came so easily has no become a challenge
As I go on with age, and change progress
Reaching out with words of kindness; at times turn to ignorance and silence
Even more so, going about it the right way
Having patience, being kind
Putting others before oneself
To fully forgive and fully forget
To hope, trust, and banish pride
Ultimately never failing
Yet I do fail, whenever I don’t do any of these things
Especially when I feel anger towards another
Wanting something for myself, jealousy
Loving others means to have a tender heart
To take care of the people around you
Even if you don’t get it back
August 26, 2009
Here we go....
As of tomorrow morning, I am officially a senior year in high school. It feels kind of weird to be at this point, although I'm not sure why exactly. Maybe it's because I expected to have be taller than I was freshman year? (Even though height has nothing to do with it) Or maybe it was just something that seemed like it wasn't going to get here for a very long time? Who knows...
I will say that I definately got alot out of this past summer. The one thing that stands out in my mind is how I've changed, and how I was able to focus on myself. That is, really sitting down and asking myself "what really makes me happy?" I questioned some other things too, such as my beliefs and why (or why not) I believe in those things. It may seem weird, but I found it rather liberating to be honest with myself.
I have alot to look forward to this coming school year: the new roles of leadership I'll be taking on, the people that I've been getting to know, preparing to go to college, and just appreciating this year for what it is. It's exciting, but also a little bit scary.
And in a way, I am scared. I had an amazing junior year, and I've found myself how in the heck I'll be able to top it; reason being that three of my closest friends have graduated and I won't get to see them every single day. I'm taking on a huge courseload and would like to get my GPA up before I apply to any more colleges. I've never really pushed myself that hard before, and I wonder if I'll be able to handle that much. Yet when it all comes down to it, I think my biggest fear is not accomplishing any of my goals that I've set because of not working hard.
The goals that I have are both long-term and short term: I'm hoping to eventually get some kind of scholarship or grant money for college, and choose the right school for me at that. I wanna do well in all my subjects and like I said, raise my GPA. I'm gonna try not to stress out as much as I have in the past and just take everything for what it is. I've often heard senior year goes so fast that you don't really have time to take certain things seriously.
I do have two long-term ones, and they're probably the most important to me. This year I want to take care of someone (or multiple people) the way so many people have taken care of me; I want to let someone cry on my shoulder when they're sad or just give them a hug if they need it. I want to carry someone else's books or help them with their homework. It may sound strange, but I want to be a blessing to someone in my school (and perhaps even outside my school). For some odd reason, I feel like I haven't done very much to be an impact on others.
The second one is to eventually grow into the woman I was meant to be. My mom often tells me that when I was younger, I used to walk around with this big smile on my face and I was always so bubbly and happy. I'll admit that teenage hormones, combined with my experiences five years ago took that bubbliness away. I'm not sure if I'll be able to completely go back to that, as per the fact that I'm no longer a little girl, and that I've functioned in a certain way for a long time. With both those things, you can't automatically go back to normal. You have to create a new normal for yourself. That normal for me is being able to have joy; not just because of the people that are in my life, but because of what I personally find joy in.
It's not something that can happen automatically, or every day. I just have to take things one day at a time, and be thankful for each day that I have.
I will say that I definately got alot out of this past summer. The one thing that stands out in my mind is how I've changed, and how I was able to focus on myself. That is, really sitting down and asking myself "what really makes me happy?" I questioned some other things too, such as my beliefs and why (or why not) I believe in those things. It may seem weird, but I found it rather liberating to be honest with myself.
I have alot to look forward to this coming school year: the new roles of leadership I'll be taking on, the people that I've been getting to know, preparing to go to college, and just appreciating this year for what it is. It's exciting, but also a little bit scary.
And in a way, I am scared. I had an amazing junior year, and I've found myself how in the heck I'll be able to top it; reason being that three of my closest friends have graduated and I won't get to see them every single day. I'm taking on a huge courseload and would like to get my GPA up before I apply to any more colleges. I've never really pushed myself that hard before, and I wonder if I'll be able to handle that much. Yet when it all comes down to it, I think my biggest fear is not accomplishing any of my goals that I've set because of not working hard.
The goals that I have are both long-term and short term: I'm hoping to eventually get some kind of scholarship or grant money for college, and choose the right school for me at that. I wanna do well in all my subjects and like I said, raise my GPA. I'm gonna try not to stress out as much as I have in the past and just take everything for what it is. I've often heard senior year goes so fast that you don't really have time to take certain things seriously.
I do have two long-term ones, and they're probably the most important to me. This year I want to take care of someone (or multiple people) the way so many people have taken care of me; I want to let someone cry on my shoulder when they're sad or just give them a hug if they need it. I want to carry someone else's books or help them with their homework. It may sound strange, but I want to be a blessing to someone in my school (and perhaps even outside my school). For some odd reason, I feel like I haven't done very much to be an impact on others.
The second one is to eventually grow into the woman I was meant to be. My mom often tells me that when I was younger, I used to walk around with this big smile on my face and I was always so bubbly and happy. I'll admit that teenage hormones, combined with my experiences five years ago took that bubbliness away. I'm not sure if I'll be able to completely go back to that, as per the fact that I'm no longer a little girl, and that I've functioned in a certain way for a long time. With both those things, you can't automatically go back to normal. You have to create a new normal for yourself. That normal for me is being able to have joy; not just because of the people that are in my life, but because of what I personally find joy in.
It's not something that can happen automatically, or every day. I just have to take things one day at a time, and be thankful for each day that I have.
August 21, 2009
Simple thoughts for the week
I'm beginning to love blogging, but sometimes I don't have very much to say sometimes. So I decided that at the end of each week (say Friday or Saturday, depending on when I have time as well as energy) I'll post little snippets of what I've been doing, my feelings, what I'm thankful for, etc. It might seem a little random, but enjoy :)
~I've made it a goal of mine to not go on facebook so much all the time. It's definately a great way for communication and staying in touch, but its gotten to the point that I go on it so often, and it's starting to have a negative effect on me. Heck, maybe I should just do that with the internet in general
~It used to be about me needing or wanting a particular person to stay in my life or come back in it. Now I'm starting to realize that I want someone to need me.
~Yes, there is someone I would just love to take in my arms right now and hold them. They probably don't know it, but I've been kind of selfish lately and I feel really bad about it. On top of it all, I just miss this person alot.
~I'm thankful for whoever came up with the idea of venting. There's so much I've finally gotten off my chest over the past couple of days. And I'm thankful for the wonderful people that took the time to listen to what I have to say.
~Yellow is my new favorite color
~I've made it a goal of mine to not go on facebook so much all the time. It's definately a great way for communication and staying in touch, but its gotten to the point that I go on it so often, and it's starting to have a negative effect on me. Heck, maybe I should just do that with the internet in general
~It used to be about me needing or wanting a particular person to stay in my life or come back in it. Now I'm starting to realize that I want someone to need me.
~Yes, there is someone I would just love to take in my arms right now and hold them. They probably don't know it, but I've been kind of selfish lately and I feel really bad about it. On top of it all, I just miss this person alot.
~I'm thankful for whoever came up with the idea of venting. There's so much I've finally gotten off my chest over the past couple of days. And I'm thankful for the wonderful people that took the time to listen to what I have to say.
~Yellow is my new favorite color
August 04, 2009
Quiet Strength
I've been somewhat hesistant to write about this, considering I've been trying to not make it the focal point of my life for the last two years. But yet, it always seems to be the elephant in the room, regardless of how I live or what I do. Let me say this is anything but a pity post; as I'll explain later, pity is really the last thing I want from anybody. As is the point of this blog, I'm just putting my current thoughts to paper and going from there.
why are you like that?
why do you walk so weird?
what happened to you?
These are common questions I get, mostly when I've been out in public, and from little kids. Usually I've never known how to answer them, even though I'm rarely approached about it now a days. How do you really explain to a five year-old (or however young they may be) that it's because your mildly handicapped? But then it dawned on me that it wasn't specifically because of that.
I was born prematurely, at three months before my origonal due date (Mom was only twenty-seven weeks pregnant with me at the time.) During my birth, the part of my brain that tells my legs how to walk correctly was lacking oxygen. I stayed in the NICU for about four months after and was diagnosed with cerebral palsy a year later.
Fast forward about seventeen years
I feel like I've come a long way in my life. For the first time in a long time, maybe if ever, I feel at peace; I'm at peace with my body, peace with the fact that I'm not exactly like everyone else (yet in the grand scheme of things, aren't we all different in one way or the other?) I see my circumstances and experiences as more of a blessing than anything else, and I'm grateful for all that I've gotten out of it.
Of course, I've also had my share of struggles. There was a time when I was angry and insecure about my situation; I felt like I didn't really fit in with my peers and began having self-asteem issues. When the gossip started flying, I never knew how to stick up for myself or not let it get to me. At the time, nothing was more painful than being told that my legs needed to be "fixed." I eventually stopped trying to talk about it and became depressed.
It took from the time I was in the eighth grade till about the end of my junior year of high school to finally get over it. I came to have a relationship with God and talked about my experiences openly, but I still dwelled on certain events, constantly going through the "what ifs." I chose to go to a private catholic high school instead of public, but closed myself off from the students there for a fear of having to go through the same thing again. Little did I know that I need a big attitude adjustment: I wasn't in control of my circumstances, but I was definately in control of how I dealt with them.
I do believe that I have changed (in a good way) because of that simple lesson. By putting myself out there, being confident, and finding little bits of joy every day, I've been able to live a better life. Granted, you can't just say once that you're going to change and expect things to be perfect from that point on; it something that needs to be worked on every day, little by little. Eventually it might just become second nature :)
I hate pity, and I definately don't want to be pitied by anyone. While life has been hard at some points, that doesn't mean that nothing good has ever come out of it. I don't want people to say "I'm sorry that you're like that" because I've honestly found alot of benefits and blessings. Like writing and appreciating nature, for example.
I don't vocalize my handicap as much as I used to now a days because I don't want it to dictate the way I live my life. I have dreams, goals, and ambitions and I'll be damned if I let cerebal palsy get in the way of it. I'm not sure what exactly the future holds, but I know who holds the future. And that kind of strength, that quiet strength, is what keeps me going.
why are you like that?
why do you walk so weird?
what happened to you?
These are common questions I get, mostly when I've been out in public, and from little kids. Usually I've never known how to answer them, even though I'm rarely approached about it now a days. How do you really explain to a five year-old (or however young they may be) that it's because your mildly handicapped? But then it dawned on me that it wasn't specifically because of that.
I was born prematurely, at three months before my origonal due date (Mom was only twenty-seven weeks pregnant with me at the time.) During my birth, the part of my brain that tells my legs how to walk correctly was lacking oxygen. I stayed in the NICU for about four months after and was diagnosed with cerebral palsy a year later.
Fast forward about seventeen years
I feel like I've come a long way in my life. For the first time in a long time, maybe if ever, I feel at peace; I'm at peace with my body, peace with the fact that I'm not exactly like everyone else (yet in the grand scheme of things, aren't we all different in one way or the other?) I see my circumstances and experiences as more of a blessing than anything else, and I'm grateful for all that I've gotten out of it.
Of course, I've also had my share of struggles. There was a time when I was angry and insecure about my situation; I felt like I didn't really fit in with my peers and began having self-asteem issues. When the gossip started flying, I never knew how to stick up for myself or not let it get to me. At the time, nothing was more painful than being told that my legs needed to be "fixed." I eventually stopped trying to talk about it and became depressed.
It took from the time I was in the eighth grade till about the end of my junior year of high school to finally get over it. I came to have a relationship with God and talked about my experiences openly, but I still dwelled on certain events, constantly going through the "what ifs." I chose to go to a private catholic high school instead of public, but closed myself off from the students there for a fear of having to go through the same thing again. Little did I know that I need a big attitude adjustment: I wasn't in control of my circumstances, but I was definately in control of how I dealt with them.
I do believe that I have changed (in a good way) because of that simple lesson. By putting myself out there, being confident, and finding little bits of joy every day, I've been able to live a better life. Granted, you can't just say once that you're going to change and expect things to be perfect from that point on; it something that needs to be worked on every day, little by little. Eventually it might just become second nature :)
I hate pity, and I definately don't want to be pitied by anyone. While life has been hard at some points, that doesn't mean that nothing good has ever come out of it. I don't want people to say "I'm sorry that you're like that" because I've honestly found alot of benefits and blessings. Like writing and appreciating nature, for example.
I don't vocalize my handicap as much as I used to now a days because I don't want it to dictate the way I live my life. I have dreams, goals, and ambitions and I'll be damned if I let cerebal palsy get in the way of it. I'm not sure what exactly the future holds, but I know who holds the future. And that kind of strength, that quiet strength, is what keeps me going.
July 23, 2009
A Time to think
It's been four days since I had surgery, and for the most part I'm doing really well. The operation itself went smoothly; no pins were needed this time, and I've been taking painkillers on an every-six hour basis. I'm at my grandparents right now, due to my Dad working and Mom being with my brother at Nationals; their house is only one level and its alot easier to get around. I am blessed to have an amazing little sister and two wonderful grandparents that have been taking care of me. :) I only wish the pills didn't make me wanna fall asleep all the time.
I've had alot of time to think and reflect, being that I'm required to keep my foot elevated and only walk around if needed. I've been told this many times in my life, and probably will need to be reminded many more. When it all comes down to it, it really is what you make of it. To be more specific, it's your attitude that will determine how you handle what you're given in life.
I know that some may be reading this and thinking "Ahh, she finally got it!" To be truthful, I've never been an optimistic person, and I think it's one of my weakest attributes. I think it was at some point during my junior year where I got tired of being upset, tired of worrying all the time, and tired of feeling like crap.
I can vividly recall hearing a messege last year in church that relates very strongly to what I'm talking about. The pastor's Grandmother had gotten hip replacement surgery and she was getting ready to go home. Now I can't quite remember what was said exactly after that, but then the doctor leaned over and told her "God has done his part, now you have to do yours."
After hearing that, I came up with a quote of my own:
You can pray to God and ask for the strength to walk, but you have to be the one that's willing to take the first steps.
It has stuck with me today, especially when my Mom came and told me that I had to get the surgery done. I was definately upset at first; I had the notion that I would spend the remaining part of the summer in pain, not being able to go out a whole lot, and not being able to play powderpuff senior year. (Yeah, that's what I was thinking at the time. haha) But than I realized that having that kind of attitude really wasn't going to do any good, and decided to count my blessings instead. And that is what I'm still doing, even as I type this. I've gotten to spend three days with my Grandparents, who've doted on me and spoiled me more than needed. I've been able to catch up on the books I've been reading, as well as being able to thank God for what I have.
It most certainly isn't an easy thing to do, looking on the bright side. And I mean that for everyone. I'm still a human being (a teenager, no less) and will probably slip up from time to time. But thats how life is; you have your good days and your bad days, your good traits and your not-so good traits. In the end, if you learn a good lesson from it, that I believe is what ultimately matters.
I've had alot of time to think and reflect, being that I'm required to keep my foot elevated and only walk around if needed. I've been told this many times in my life, and probably will need to be reminded many more. When it all comes down to it, it really is what you make of it. To be more specific, it's your attitude that will determine how you handle what you're given in life.
I know that some may be reading this and thinking "Ahh, she finally got it!" To be truthful, I've never been an optimistic person, and I think it's one of my weakest attributes. I think it was at some point during my junior year where I got tired of being upset, tired of worrying all the time, and tired of feeling like crap.
I can vividly recall hearing a messege last year in church that relates very strongly to what I'm talking about. The pastor's Grandmother had gotten hip replacement surgery and she was getting ready to go home. Now I can't quite remember what was said exactly after that, but then the doctor leaned over and told her "God has done his part, now you have to do yours."
After hearing that, I came up with a quote of my own:
You can pray to God and ask for the strength to walk, but you have to be the one that's willing to take the first steps.
It has stuck with me today, especially when my Mom came and told me that I had to get the surgery done. I was definately upset at first; I had the notion that I would spend the remaining part of the summer in pain, not being able to go out a whole lot, and not being able to play powderpuff senior year. (Yeah, that's what I was thinking at the time. haha) But than I realized that having that kind of attitude really wasn't going to do any good, and decided to count my blessings instead. And that is what I'm still doing, even as I type this. I've gotten to spend three days with my Grandparents, who've doted on me and spoiled me more than needed. I've been able to catch up on the books I've been reading, as well as being able to thank God for what I have.
It most certainly isn't an easy thing to do, looking on the bright side. And I mean that for everyone. I'm still a human being (a teenager, no less) and will probably slip up from time to time. But thats how life is; you have your good days and your bad days, your good traits and your not-so good traits. In the end, if you learn a good lesson from it, that I believe is what ultimately matters.
July 15, 2009
Current Happenings
My first college application has been sent in, and so begins what a good portion of senior year is all about. I'd say the hardest part is the essay; I haven't gotten one with an exact topic as of yet, but they did ask for a written statement. It's basically a written letter explaining why you want to go to that school, and why you should be accepted. I don't know about anyone else that's written those things, but it can be hard. It seems like you really have to know why you want to go to a particular school, and have valid reasons.
And I did have reasons, but it was challenging to put them in paragraph form because I'm not sure right now if thats what I want: I don't know if I want to be on a campus where everything is close together, where the classrooms are smaller, and where if you don't know everyone's names, you will eventually know their faces.
But what I do know, is that I want an experience that won't feel like high school. I want it to be different, and I want it to be broad (if that makes any sense).
I'm visiting WIU this weekend to see what a medium-sized campus is like, as well as the actual school. I did do alot of research on the website, and it looked decent. But like all things, the internet can't tell you everything you need to know. I'm just trying to keep an open mind and heart, and praying that whatever college I eventually choose will be the right one.
In other news...
I'm getting foot surgery this coming Monday, the day after I come home. I'm getting a bunionectomy on my left foot, very similar to the operation that was done on my right foot two years ago. I was going to have it origonally done in the fall, but our insurance is changing real soon and there weren't a whole lot of options.
Like all happenings in my life, I'm trying to focus on the positive side. Granted, I wasn't (and deep down, am still not) very happy about having to do this during the summertime. But the more I've thought about it, the more I've begun to consider it a blessing in disguise. I'll get it out of the way and won't have to worry about falling behind and getting around school. I'll be able to take those months and focus more on what really needs to be focused on.
Through it all, I know that everything will be fine. Life doesn't always go the way we plan, but all I can do right now is remember that I am in God's hands, and just go with the flow.
And I did have reasons, but it was challenging to put them in paragraph form because I'm not sure right now if thats what I want: I don't know if I want to be on a campus where everything is close together, where the classrooms are smaller, and where if you don't know everyone's names, you will eventually know their faces.
But what I do know, is that I want an experience that won't feel like high school. I want it to be different, and I want it to be broad (if that makes any sense).
I'm visiting WIU this weekend to see what a medium-sized campus is like, as well as the actual school. I did do alot of research on the website, and it looked decent. But like all things, the internet can't tell you everything you need to know. I'm just trying to keep an open mind and heart, and praying that whatever college I eventually choose will be the right one.
In other news...
I'm getting foot surgery this coming Monday, the day after I come home. I'm getting a bunionectomy on my left foot, very similar to the operation that was done on my right foot two years ago. I was going to have it origonally done in the fall, but our insurance is changing real soon and there weren't a whole lot of options.
Like all happenings in my life, I'm trying to focus on the positive side. Granted, I wasn't (and deep down, am still not) very happy about having to do this during the summertime. But the more I've thought about it, the more I've begun to consider it a blessing in disguise. I'll get it out of the way and won't have to worry about falling behind and getting around school. I'll be able to take those months and focus more on what really needs to be focused on.
Through it all, I know that everything will be fine. Life doesn't always go the way we plan, but all I can do right now is remember that I am in God's hands, and just go with the flow.
July 07, 2009
Family Matters
My family (Mom's side) and I spent this past weekend up at my Aunt and Uncle's lake house for the 4th of July. Aside from the little bit of rain we got and the chilly water, it was perfect. I spent alot of time tubing with my cousin and sister, and we were all treated to my Uncle's anual fireworks display saturday night.
Last night I took my sister and her friend to see My Sister's Keeper. I can't really say I enjoyed it all that much compared to the book, although that happens in most cases when I watch movies that are based on novels. I won't give away the ending, but it was definately a tear-jerker. I gave my sister a big, long hug after it was over.
My mom made a comment last night about how proud she was of me and my siblings. Not just because of our academic and activity-related accomplishments, but because of how we are when it comes to family-related things. Although I can't speak for how the two of them feel, but I myself really don't mind going to get-togethers or outings. I think its awesome that my Grandparents take us out to movies and/or lunch whenever they can, and that I can see my family as often as I do. I've learned to really appreciate all of it because I know various people that don't have what I have. Plus, I know that there will come a time where I won't have it as much.
Last night I took my sister and her friend to see My Sister's Keeper. I can't really say I enjoyed it all that much compared to the book, although that happens in most cases when I watch movies that are based on novels. I won't give away the ending, but it was definately a tear-jerker. I gave my sister a big, long hug after it was over.
My mom made a comment last night about how proud she was of me and my siblings. Not just because of our academic and activity-related accomplishments, but because of how we are when it comes to family-related things. Although I can't speak for how the two of them feel, but I myself really don't mind going to get-togethers or outings. I think its awesome that my Grandparents take us out to movies and/or lunch whenever they can, and that I can see my family as often as I do. I've learned to really appreciate all of it because I know various people that don't have what I have. Plus, I know that there will come a time where I won't have it as much.
June 30, 2009
Fragility
It blows my mind how fragile life truly is, especially with the recents deaths of Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays, all within a week and a half. Death is somewhat of a strange subject for me; I have never really experienced complete sadness when a relative has passed on (reasons being that I was not particularly close with any of them, nor did I know them very well), but I get so shaken up when I hear about others. This happens especially if it relates to an illness or if that person seems considerably young at the time they go.
My initial reaction was along the lines of "what?! Are you kidding me?? wow.." It was more the timing, because both Farrah and MJ were more relatable to my parents generation/era then to mine. Farrah was the woman with the insanely curly hair that my mom often sported when she was my age. Michael had good music, (I DO remember dancing to Billie Jean and Thriller at various dances that I went to) but he seemed to have a weird personality and I felt sorry for him. And Billy Mays was the Oxy-Clean guy who's commercials eventually got annoying because they were shown so much on TV.
Yet, it has taught me a lesson; simple, but one that I often have to re-learn over and over again:
Life is short. You can only take it so seriously, but neither should you take it lightly.
This is the reason why I tell my family members and friends that I care for them whenever I get the chance. It is why from this point on I am trying to look at the bright side of things more often and not worry or stress about what is ultimately out of my control.
I definately have more to say on all these subjects, but will leave those for future entries.
My initial reaction was along the lines of "what?! Are you kidding me?? wow.." It was more the timing, because both Farrah and MJ were more relatable to my parents generation/era then to mine. Farrah was the woman with the insanely curly hair that my mom often sported when she was my age. Michael had good music, (I DO remember dancing to Billie Jean and Thriller at various dances that I went to) but he seemed to have a weird personality and I felt sorry for him. And Billy Mays was the Oxy-Clean guy who's commercials eventually got annoying because they were shown so much on TV.
Yet, it has taught me a lesson; simple, but one that I often have to re-learn over and over again:
Life is short. You can only take it so seriously, but neither should you take it lightly.
This is the reason why I tell my family members and friends that I care for them whenever I get the chance. It is why from this point on I am trying to look at the bright side of things more often and not worry or stress about what is ultimately out of my control.
I definately have more to say on all these subjects, but will leave those for future entries.
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