It's weird, this being the end of 2009. Even more weird is the ending of a decade, where so many historical events have taken place in the last ten years or so. I remember the terrorist attacks on 9/11, the start of the war in the Middle East, and the election of our nation's first black president. I can also recall the little things, such as how at the beginning of this decade, I still listened to and purchased CD's, bought regular rolls of film for my camera, and talked on a regular home phone line.
This year was a particular trying year; alot of good memories with some not-so-good memories. In a way, it was like taking one step forward, but yet I always ended up going two steps backward. Alot of it (or perhaps the majority) had to do with the fact that I stressed myself out way too easily and way too often. Too much stress is the main reason why almost everything I've had going on in my life has been so difficult, as well as why I never seem to have enough energy by the end of the day
I've never been the type that usually makes New years resolutions (or sticks to them, for that matter). In my opinion, anyone has the ability to start over at anytime during the year. Plus, you don't have to wallow in whatever you dealing with for another six or more months. But as I thought about it, I've realized how refreshing it really is to have a fresh start in a brand new year. For example, if you've been having a tiff with a friend for quite some time and would like to work it out in the coming year, perhaps your friend would want to do the same.
But if I were to really pick a resolution, it would be to not worry so much; because let's face it, I have been an extreme worry-wart for most of my life, and it hasn't done me a whole lot of good when it comes to relationships and living life in general.
Which leads me to say that I've come to believe that part of the reason I worry so much is due to the fact that I'm still struggling with self-esteem and having confidence in who I am. There are at least a dozen moments at a time where I'm constantly asking myself, "what does this person really think of me?" If I happen to send a text messege, make a phone call or write something on facebook and don't get a reply back, I have a tendency to question as to whether or not I did something to piss them off (therefore, over-anazlyzing the most recent conversations or interactions involving that person). In a way, I've almost indirectly become dependent on other people's opinions about me to determine how I personally feel about myself. As ridiculous as this all sounds, it's the truth. And not only that, but it also took alot of guts to be honest about it with myself, much less my own blog.
The first thing I had to do was admit that I simply cannot do it on my own. Over the past four months, I would go to people in my life (mainly my parents) and ask for advice; when they'd give me the best answers they could, but I always walked away with an "I don't need you, I can do it all by myself" kind of attitude. One of my friends later explained to me how I can't rely on my own strength, to say the least. My relationship with God has been somewhat sour over the past two years, for reasons I won't get into at the moment. But there is so much a simple prayer can do, even if you don't know exactly who or what you're praying to.
Secondly, I need to get off the computer,(especially facebook) shut off the tv, put away the cell phone and get back into life. No, I'm not cutting these things out completely because they can do wonders when it comes to communicating with friends and family. However, I'm only allowing myself a certain amount of time each day to be on or involved with these things, because they've begun to dominate my emotions. Sometimes that will also mean getting out of my room, and getting out of the house. I'm on a mission to start going to my local fitness club alot more, getting involved with some service projects, and picking up some new hobbies.
I really have no idea where exactly this will all lead, or how long it will take me to accomplish these things. I'm just thankful for a new beginning.