September 30, 2014

Life Lately: Different Kinds of Light

Some days, this post-graduate chapter that I'm currently embarking on feels like this: 

Fresh. New. Vibrant and colorful. In a way that when I look around I think to myself, this world and this life is yours, darling. Make it happen! It's why I love mornings so much: to some people every sun rise is the same, but I honestly never know what I'm going to get as my make my thrice-weekly trek from the suburbs to the city. Somehow I manage to get this kinds of snapshots, either by luck or by knowing how to capture a beautiful moment when I see it. 

And that has served me well since moving back: despite not living with my parents and being away from my best friends (along with everything that I've come to know since I was eighteen), I can still confidently say that life is awesome. Life is awesome and God is good.

I love the environment that I'm in; it's not only healthy, but it gives me the space and ability to focus on both my goals and who I am as a person. My therapist is great and working with her has uncovered a lot of aspects about myself that I didn't know existed. Keeping a journal and having quiet time has done wonders, which is why I've come to cherish spending time alone. 

My relationships are getting stronger: through the discovery of FaceTime (I kind of find that a lot easier to use than Skype), I can keep in touch with friends and still actually see them, despite being hundreds. at times thousands of miles apart. I'm slowly building individual, adult connections with each of my parents; this past weekend was the first weekend I spent with them since August. 

I'm enjoying my internship and slowly making my way into the working world. I'm very much a city girl and every time I go there, part of me just lights up! I'm also getting involved in a church and connecting with other people, which has allowed a lot of spiritual growth and finding a sense of faith that I wasn't sure I was going to have again. 

And then there are days when life feels like this: 

Foggy. Unpredictable and filled with more unknowns than I can count. It's as though the world says You can do long as you have money. And not that money wasn't a concern before, as demonstrated by the student lones that need repaying. Despite that, I do not regret one dollar that I invested in the last four years; I learned a lot more that went above and beyond what was required to get my degree, and for that I make no apologies. 

Nor will I do so for saying that I miss college. It wasn't about the weekend fanfare or the difference in responsibilities, but about the community. It was about the beauty in the smallest of moments that have stayed with me to this very day, and probably will for the rest of my life. Those moments which in turn bore traditions, conversations, and friends that eventually became family. I'm grateful that I took the time to savor it, along with having the ability to do so. 

And I get that every transition comes with a variety of changes, but it still makes me wonder if such changes have to be so isolating. Why did one part of my life seem to be filled with magic and endless possibilities, while this one appears to come with an endless roll of red tape? I'm in the process of trying to do things for myself that will ultimately allow me to be somewhat independent without feeling like I'm constantly draining my bank account. Yet, it's as though whoever came up with those concepts made it purposefully difficult to get access to them. 

I'm growing. I'm learning. But I only have so much energy, emotionally or physically. It makes me wish (or beg) for my brain to be quiet at night so I can stop having nightmares. (More so, now that I know why I have them, I wish they would stop all together). If I had a choice I would fix myself up tomorrow and call it a day. I don't like being afraid to be vulnerable. I hate living in fear that trust will only result in abandonment. Greater is the fear that all of those things will keep me from truly experiencing life and love. I know that it breaks the hearts of friends and family members to see me like this: desperately trying to break out of a mold that has done more harm than good. A mold that started with the best of intentions but had completely different results.

I experience guilt for not going to church every Sunday since moving back. I genuinely want to connect and be involved, but yet I feel guilty about asking for rides or having to explain that I haven't quite found a groove yet. This definitely warrants its' own post, but going to church again is still a little scary. 

But wait...

Both of these images are different, yet one thing in common: they are filled with light. Some days reflect different shades, different colors, different seasons. Yet there is still light; and where there is light, there is hope. Hope that I don't have to wait on time to make life easier or better, but instead be able to rise above my circumstances and make healthy choices for myself. It frees me to fully trust in where God is taking me, though I don't really know where I'm going right now (Psalm 142: 3). 

This is the light that I not only see before me, but the kind that I pray that others will see in me. 

I envision being able to look back at this season in my life and not necessarily laugh, but realize there was a reason for it. What that reason is, I'm not trying to find out anytime soon. I'm content in waiting to see it when I'm meant to.

What I do know is that I am taken care of, and I will be OK.

September 25, 2014

You Can't Keep A Writer Down

I wrote this after having a conversation that left me feeling frustrated and beaten down; when I moved back from college, one of my primary lines of thinking was that I didn't have a voice. And with certain people, sometimes I'm left feeling like they don't see me, they don't hear me, nor do they want to. 

Lately I find myself resentful of not being able to talk about what I want to talk about. What I need to talk about. There are days where it's rooted in fear of somebody holding a grudge against me for it, and then there are days where I have no idea how to express myself verbally. From where I'm sitting now, it's a little bit of both. 

But when it comes to writing, it's a different story. There is freedom, and there is hope. 

You Can’t Keep A Writer Down 

These feelings sit inside, churning and burning
I cannot sleep or even think
The desire to speak is so strong
I ask for an opportunity, and am initially received well

I express a the need to heal
To do so in the form of words on paper
What I once knew, shattered by one who stands oblivious all of it

It's not about revenge, but about self-protection
I only know him by instinct, nothing which indicates kindness and care 
His actions certainly indicate such
I have no reason to trust or believe in someone
Who can't take responsibility 

And yet I'm the one silenced
Though I didn't ask for this
She speaks of consequences that don't make sense
Reaching for a sense of control that is no longer
Like a young child
As though she's more concerned for him than me

But I have a voice, I realize
Not my mouth, but my pen and the strength of my heart
Not to use for hurt, but to overcome
To release what I was taught to ignore and deny

By this you'll get a lion instead of a mouse
Thunder, fire, anything but quiet submission
I cannot make anyone hear me, though listening is an act of love
God made me a writer 
And you can't keep a writer down

photo credit: pedrosimoes7 via photopin cc

September 22, 2014

Music Monday

Sam Hunt-Leave The Night On

-This has such a feel-good, giddy vibe and has "date night" written all over it! I have no shame in putting it on repeat.

Meghan Trainor-All About That Bass 

Becky G-Shower

-I could argue all about why pop music is going down the drain, but then things like this just grow on me.

Garth Brooks and Billy Joel-Shameless

-I came to love this song after seeing Garth in concert two weeks ago. Adding Billy Joel into the mix makes it even more amazing.

Tim McGraw and Faith Hill-Meanwhile Back at Mama's 

photo credit: A.Ddiction via photopin cc

September 19, 2014

Friday Finds

Every so often, I like to take the time to share some of the awesome things that I've found around the blogosphere. This particular segment is a little heavy-duty, but I hope you find these writers just as encouraging and refreshing as I have. 

An interesting take on chivalry (via True Love Dates)

On love, virginity, and identity  (via A Deeper Story)

Writing as an act of Hope (via Redemption Pictures)

When "fixing" someone isn't the answer (via [In]Courage)

Stop pointing fingers. Start doing this instead. (via Daughter By Design)

Have a great weekend!!

photo credit: Nina Matthews Photography via photopin cc

September 08, 2014

Music Monday

Bang Bang-Jessi J., Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj

-I'm only really a fan of Jessi J, but this has been on my workout playlist since it first hit the airwaves. 

No Place I'd Rather Be-Clean Bandit 

-This song is so cute and gives me a boost of confidence when I need it. 

Girl In A Country Song-Maddie and Tae

-I don't necessarily agree with all the fuss and controversy, but I see their point. 

Maps-Maroon 5

"So I wonder where were you, when I was at my worst, down on my knees?"
Those lyrics are powerful. 

Somethin' Bad-Carrie Underwood and Miranda Lambert

-Not only are these two awesome as individual artists, but this is an incredible duet!

Have a great week!

photo credit: kinojam via photopin cc