tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64367110495589450982013-01-03T16:14:42.214-08:00So, what do I think?If I cannot teach, than at least I can speakAlyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.comBlogger254125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-74889256665572723632013-01-02T10:01:00.000-08:002013-01-02T10:01:51.532-08:002013-01-02T10:01:51.532-08:00Stream Of Consciousness <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm only two weeks in, but winter break has been absolutely wonderful! I never imagined finding so much joy in waking up and having nothing to do; or at least not having a laundry list of assignments and tasks that needed to get done by a certain time. Not that I've been a lazy-bum either; I'm usually awake before ten o'clock and have been doing a variety of activities in each day. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The holidays were a blessing, as always. Christmas Eve with my Mom's extended family was typically a full house with plenty of food and laughter to go around! If I didn't fill up on appetizers or drinks, I definitely did during dinner. There were always these random moments in between that made me laugh so hard to the point where I had tears in my eyes. Overall, if someone doesn't walk out of there with an aching stomach for one reason or another, then they haven't had the full experience that is a polish Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's house!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">New Years was all right. I kept it low-key by having dinner with my parents and siblings, and then Dad and I went and saw Les Miserables with time to make it back before midnight. The movie gave me chills, but it was tough to sit through at times. I really didn't mind that I wasn't out partying or doing anything huge, because my time will come in a couple of weeks. I was just happy to be alive and to be able to ring in 2013 as it was! Admittedly, I did buy into the Mayan hoopla for a little bit, where I actually spent the night of December twentieth curled up in bed sending sappy snap-chats and texts to my friends. Yes, I can be gullible at times, as much as I don't like to say so. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yesterday marked one month until my twenty-first birthday! Every once in a while I get asked, mostly by older adults, why it's so special to me. I usually answered with something along the lines of how my college town has become more strict and it will be nice to stay out after ten. But I've been doing some thinking and I've actually come up with something a little bit deeper than that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">For starters, I didn't get to celebrate a whole lot with other milestone birthdays for the reasons that they're usually celebrated. At sixteen I wasn't able to drive, so I didn't get my driver's liscence. At eighteen, I didn't have a reason not to have a curfew anymore because I didn't go out that much on the weekends. Not only will I be officially legal after my upcoming birthday, but I'll no longer have to jump through hoops anymore to spend time with my friends. There will be a lot less regulation as far as where we can go and what we can do to hang out and catch up. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The other part of it is more emotional and even spiritual. It's hard for me to explain it in a way that makes sense on paper, because I still struggle with it in my own mind. What it all boils down to is being able to embrace certain qualities about myself that I felt that I couldn't before because I was underage. One of them involves enjoying a good bottle of wine or an alcoholic drink because it actually tastes good, not because I want to get drunk. The other part is that I like getting dressed up because it makes me feel feminine and attractive, not because I'm looking to get attention. But that's more for a post regarding fashion and modesty. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The above sounds insecure, and it is. I don't know if I talked about this beforehand, but I'm still in the process of growing in my faith because of my relationship with God, and not solely because of what I was taught in church or through Christian culture in general. In other words, I'm trying to unlearn what was driven into my head in high school, and live it out in a way that is both God-honoring but also where I don't feel like I'm doing it to hide other aspects of myself, if that makes sense. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don't know what will happen or what my attitude will be. I still have four weeks left to go, and I don't want to overthink the celebration to where I don't enjoy it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Speaking of enjoying, I forgot to write down that I want to make more of an effort to read for pleasure, rather than just for academic purposes. I'm not calling it a resolution, but more an effort to keep my sanity, particularly when the semester starts. How that will play out, I'm not sure. But for now I'm taking advantage of not having any homework or studying to do. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Life is good today. How has your new year played out so far?</span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-35617306522756962882012-12-31T09:18:00.001-08:002012-12-31T09:18:58.035-08:002012-12-31T09:18:58.035-08:00From Where I'm At<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 31-Perspective</b> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Imagine that you can see yourself from above. Watch carefully. What are you trying to accomplish? Do you think you're going in the right direction? </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am standing at the threshold of a door that doesn't necessarily lead to just a New Year, but a new season in my life. I don't see it as starting over, but rather continuing and progressing what I've already been doing throughout these last few months. I've spent some time looking over my journal entries throughout 2012, and am amazed by all the prayers that have been answered and how I have grown both emotionally and spiritually. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Participating in Reverb this December has been a blessing; I shared thoughts and events in my life that were deep and at times heartbreaking. And I feel like I did so at the right time. In a way, Reverb has become a sort of therapy for me when I don't have my actual counseling group to go to, particularly during winter break. I've discovered a lot of wonderful bloggers as well and am interested in seeing what 2013 brings them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don't know which direction I'm going in; what I do know is that I'm filled with joy that I'm no longer carrying the heavy burdens that I once took on. I'm ready to embrace the freedoms that I talked about at the beginning of the month. I have goals, but I am also open to wherever God wants to take me on this next part of my journey. It is a journey that I've been on since I was eighteen years old, and maybe even before that. I feel confident and comfortable. I have very few regrets. Yes, 2013, I am ready for you!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The celebration will be low-key; I'm going out to dinner with my family, and then my family and I will see Les Mis just in time to make it back for a midnight toast. The majority of my friends are twenty-one and are going to the city or are doing things that legally I'm not able to do just yet. But it doesn't really bother me all that much, because my time will come a month from tomorrow. And the world didn't end, so I'm very happy to be able to welcome another year in itself. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">To you and yours, may this year bring you and abundance of love and joy! God bless!</span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-82891962860591630202012-12-30T19:55:00.001-08:002012-12-30T19:55:08.347-08:002012-12-30T19:55:08.347-08:00Unconventional Success<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 30-Change Of Heart</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Did you have a change of heart about something or someone this year? Who/What was it? Why?</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I used to assume and believe that success was getting everything you want, or at least doing everything right. Therefore, I frequently beat myself about a lot of failures, more often the ones involving relationships or actions and personal character. But in the past year, I've come to view success in a different light; that it's not about whether everything goes according to plan, but how well you can adapt to the curveballs and what you can learn from it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">From a broad view, a majority will argue that my past roommate fiasco was an epic failure; there was an overflowing amount of stress, and we're no longer in each other's lives. That being said, it did teach me a lot expectations, as well as how to live gracefully in an environment that is filled with so much tension and negativity. Personally, she taught me a lot about attitude and how it impacts your life and the people that you surround yourself with. So no, I don't regret choosing to live with her. I wish that I had done some things differently, but I think us living together pointed me in the direction that I needed to go in so that I could work through my own issues. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I was single for most of the year. but did go out on a few dates. Most of them were awkward and I didn't sense that anything was there. The one that I did feel totally comfortable with never called again afterward. In general, I was terrified of opening up to any man for a fear of what he might think of me. Things got even more complicated after <a href="http://alsmusings-alyrose.blogspot.com/2012/12/from-man-to-monster-and-back-again.html">one of the worst nights I've had in college</a>. But it helped me grow so much as a person and a woman, as well as see past some of the lies and misconceptions about dating. I'm planning on doing a stand-alone post about that real soon But again, just because I didn't get exactly what I wanted, but that doesn't mean I didn't get anything. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Overall, I view life in a much more positive way because of it. In the last few months, I have felt the weight of what feels like the entire world get taken off my shoulders. I now know what is in my control and what isn't. And that in any situation, if I can't do anything about the outcome, the least I can do is try to look at it in a different way. Here's to seeing out that plays out in 2013!</span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-56512783591126133912012-12-29T19:59:00.000-08:002012-12-29T19:59:49.064-08:002012-12-29T19:59:49.064-08:00When It Just Doesn't Work Anymore<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 29-Excuses</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>What excuses did you make for yourself this year? How will you go about doing it differently next year?</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When it comes to doing what you want and achieving your goals and dreams, the only one that's really stopping you is yourself. As I wrote through Reverb at the end of 2011, my biggest fear was that I would still be in the same place, mentally and emotionally, during the same time period of the following year. While I did make a lot of progress, I certainly could have gone further. And it was only because of the excuses that I made that I didn't do that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"He/She/They won't understand" This is the biggest lie that I told myself over and over. For the first half of the year, it was the reason I guarded myself so closely. It didn't protect me, but rather caused me more pain in the long run. Even if not everyone sees things exactly the way you do, or doesn't react the way that you want them to, doesn't mean that you're alone. You may feel like it, but there's always at least one person who's willing to put their arm around you and listen to what you have to say. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">One of the things that stuck with me was my experiences in my Spring semester of 2011 counseling group. Our moderator encouraged us to not focus so much on the reaction of whom we're talking to, but to focus on saying exactly what we feel and how we feel about it. It's not an easy thing to put into practice, because so much our culture emphasizes validation and obtaining self worth from those we surround ourselves with. But closing oneself off out of fear of rejection tends to do more harm than good, and when all is said and done, much of the time I'm glad that I took a risk of being vulnerable. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"I don't have time." The only reason time feels so limited is because I'm putting too much energy into things that really don't matter to me, or I'm wasting too much time online as opposed to getting stuff done. Time is meant to be created and used wisely, not just given. That's something I want to do better at as this year comes to a close.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"I can do it tomorrow" Honestly, you don't know if you'll get "tomorrow" until it actually comes around. I believe that there are appropriate times for certain things to be said and done, but I also believe that you shouldn't constantly put something off either. My goal is to do something right when I think of it, or at least make a point to do it sooner rather than later. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As I said, you can blame the whole world for your problems and setbacks, but there comes a point where the only one holding you back is yourself. </span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-27062213822428733812012-12-28T11:19:00.001-08:002012-12-28T11:19:52.469-08:002012-12-28T11:19:52.469-08:00Meaningful (And Intentional) Creativity <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 28-Creative</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>How will you honor your creativity in 2013?</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">One of the big issues I have with being creative, especially in terms of writing, is getting my ideas out of my head and onto paper; or in this current day and age, onto a computer screen. I think one of the reasons that I don't immediately write down an idea or start a piece is because I'm still somewhat afraid to reveal that kind of vulnerability to other people. Most of the time, anyone who reads my work sees a much deeper, passionate, and even emotional side of me that they don't take notice of when they interact with me in person.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But that's what writing is about; being able to connect and resonate with others through ideas, opinions, and stories. I imagine that the more I do it, the easier it will become.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">That's why I'm making it a goal to write for at least fifteen minutes per day; it might be a journal entry, a blog, an essay, or part of a story. It might be a little bit of everything. I've realized the more I write, the better I become. The amount of time could increase, but that all depends on how much school work I have and how I use my time for other things.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I would also like to connect with other writers; I'm taking two classes this-coming semester, so I imagine that there will be some workshopping through there. I just feel like I need something that's a little bit more intimate and personal, other than just reading a dozen plus comments on a multitude of copies of whatever I submitted at the time. Plus there is revision, which can take place more than once or twice. It would just be nice to get feedback from someplace other than a classroom or a teacher.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The other thing is this blog; I have been a blogger for four years, and while I feel that my writing style and subject matter have matured, it's as though a lot of it has remained the same. In other words, I'm looking to do different segments about different things. I will still do two, possibly three posts per week. But I want to include variety, such as weekend links/finds, book reviews, or even a series on a particular subject. Right now I don't know how often I'll do it each, because it was largely depend on school work and activities. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> It seems like a way to spice things up, rather than just do a deep post involving current issues or events. It's overwhelming when written about often, and in order to be well-done, takes more than one day. I will still tackle such subjects, but I want to give myself time and energy to edit them and look over them, as opposed to focusing on hitting the "publish" button before a certain time in the day. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">How did you expand your creativity in terms of writing or blogging? I would love suggestions!</span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-48933258377574999342012-12-27T20:33:00.000-08:002012-12-27T20:33:10.030-08:002012-12-27T20:33:10.030-08:00Screaming Silence<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 27-Emotion</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>What intense emotion did you find yourself feeling the most this year? </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Call it anger, bitterness, or sadness. Feel free to call it confusion Entangle them all together in a braid of negative emotions, and you have nothing but frustration. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But before I continue, I have a confession to make: I may have been selfless this year, but it wasn't always for the sake of putting someone else's needs before my own. It was more so that I wouldn't cause any conflict or make the situation worse. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">With my roommate, I kept my mouth shut not only to keep the peace, but because I was under her thumb (mostly in terms of transportation). Realistically, I wanted to have the last word in every argument we had. I wanted to tell her just how messed up she was and how her life wouldn't get any better unless she took responsibility for her actions and got help. Yes, I wanted to stick it to her, which I did at the end of the year when I moved out. But honestly, it was a power struggle for the both of us. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">With my family, I felt as though I had been branded the "easy one" and therefore had to play that role. Both of my parents were frequently stressed out over financial matters or each other, so voicing an opinion or asking for something at times was similar to setting off a time bomb. I feared being an inconveinience and having stuff thrown back in my face, so I kept quiet. When we had to pick a place to eat or an activity to do, I did my best to keep my preferences to myself and let the others pick, if only to keep my sister from throwing a tantrum and therefore causing a headache for the others. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But the worst part was when I seemed to be the only one acting like an adult, while the others fought like kids. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There were incidents with my friends as well. Generally speaking, I am sensitive about when I make plans with people and they don't communicate with me about it, especially if something comes up and they're no longer available. And the more it happens, the more likely I won't react well to it; in a way, it has almost become automatic. There were quite a few instances, but I'd rather not call anyone out specifically because I haven't spoken to them about it yet (I'll get to why momentarily). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It all seemed to pile on in front of my face. I want to scream "what about me?!" but felt as though no one would understand or hear me above the chaos. Deep down, I became resentful, as though I was being neglected. I wanted to be validated. <b>I wanted to know that I mattered.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The whole "I am third" mentally seems like hogwash at times. I do try to take things to God in prayer before I make a decision and try to live my life as a reflection of my faith, even though I don't always succeed at it. But I do wonder what the exact benefit is of constantly putting other people's needs and desires before one's own. There does come a point where it's exhausting and no longer healthy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And I guess that's why my birthday has always been a big deal, particularly my twenty-first. It's the one day where I get to do what I want (within reason, of course) and don't have to bend over backwards trying to make sure that other people are comfortable. It's one day where as I said before, that I feel like I matter.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The thing I always had trouble with was finding the right time, let alone the words to talk about it. I didn't know how to approach the subject; should I carefully craft an explanation, or say exactly what is on my heart and risk everything being interpreted the wrong way? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Going into 2013, I would like to address these frustrations in a better manner, a way reflects God, but also bearing in mind that I shouldn't have to justify my feeling every time. I get that sometimes I have to pick my battles, and that a lot of it involves compromise and being able to meet half way on certain things. But no one person should have to always be sidestepped for the benefit of someone else, regardless of who is involved. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I have a voice, and in one way or the other, it's a voice that deserves to be heard.</span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-57274353756287200812012-12-26T15:12:00.000-08:002012-12-26T15:12:17.227-08:002012-12-26T15:12:17.227-08:00Simplicity At Its Finest <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 26-The Simple Things</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>What were some of the simple things that you enjoyed in 2012? Describe a typical day</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This year was a very busy one, but thankfully not in a way where I forgot about the small joys. In fact, I learned to appreciate them on a deeper level, particularly during the latter half of the year when I wasn't dealing with drama and difficult people every day. I grew to love this routine, and while my schedule will be slightly different next semester, I hope the pieces that fit into it remain the same. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">During the week, my day would begin pretty early; although my classes didn't start until midday, I'm first and foremost a morning person and don't see the point of sleeping in until right before something needs to get done. Waking up would sometimes be a pain, but that first cup of coffee in the morning is always something that I look forward to. And it's from a Kuerig machine that actually works and doesn't take five to ten minutes to work correctly. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Even though the warm water would run out after about ten minutes, I still appreciated being able to shower in a clean bathroom. More specifically, to show in a bathroom with more space and no mold or mildew to speak of. I could take my time. It was a bathroom that I truthfully liked being in. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">After my hair was dry, then it was on to the beauty routine. I don't consider myself an addict, but I do love fragrance and make-up. I loved being my own canvas, even if there were days where the look didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. In the background I'd have a specific Pandora radio station playing on; usually Disney, Luke Bryan, Hunter Hayes, Keith Urban, or Billy Joel. It perked me up when I wanted to do anything but go to class. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Once I looked put together, it was time to refresh myself both mentally and spiritually. For close to a half hour, I spent time in prayer and wrote in my journal. That's why I often wake up early, so I don't feel like I have to rush through things that are so important to my well-being. There's nothing more annoying than having to breeze through times that genuinely matter me because I have a whole list of crap that needs to get done. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Walking around campus, whether it be to class or wherever is always wonderful; well, at least when the weather isn't awful. The best thing is looking around at all the buildings and places, remembering exactly what I have and how far I've come. A definite plus is running into a friend that I haven't seen in a while and catching up, if only for a few minutes. Making plans to get together is even better!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'd make it back to my apartment around four o'clock-ish, and would flop down on the couch to watch <i>General Hospital </i>or some other TV show on my DVR. While I only had two classes during the day, I still needed to give myself time to decompress, particularly when I had ones that were difficult to understand. Of course there were times when "decompressing" would go from one hour to two, where I literally had to go into another room to get my homework done. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My nightly activities would vary during the week, depending on what night it was. Usually I either worked out, attended a Christian Campus group/Bible Study, went to counseling, or had dinner with a friend. Sometimes it was multiple things in one night. Either way, they left me feeling refreshed and happy because it was a time of togetherness and well-being; a time to relate to other people. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As the clock struck ten (or later at times) I would tumble into bed, exhausted but grateful; I had a bedroom that was mine. A place that was mine. And a life that I was (and am now more than ever am) at peace with. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Is there anything here that resonates with you, dear readers? Are there any simple things that you wish you would have, or would like to make time for?</span><br />
<br />Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-28442396836499888212012-12-24T09:09:00.000-08:002012-12-24T09:09:31.357-08:002012-12-24T09:09:31.357-08:00The Smallest of Times<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 24-Celebration </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>What did you celebrate this year? </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Aside from today being Christmas Eve, where in my Christian faith I celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and enjoy a time of laughter and family, there are many other occasions in which I toasted and look back upon with gratitude. I'm not going to go into too much detail since I have to help with last minute preparations and getting ready before we go to Christmas services at my family's Catholic church. But here are the smaller, but no less significant celebrations that I took part in:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I celebrated my twentieth birthday; that is, surviving my teen years</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I celebrated making it through two semesters in an awful living situation</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I celebrate my ability to succeed in grow during two years of college</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My grandparents fiftieth wedding anniversary</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Oddly enough, I celebrated on the day and I chose to start going into therapy again. It has been over a year that I've been getting help, and I have never felt more present or aware of who I am and what I've been through. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I celebrated a variety of birthdays, and will be celebrating my twenty-first birthday a little over a month from now. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I celebrate my health, and the health of my loved ones</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And above all, I celebrate being alive and for coming as far as I have. I will never take that for granted. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Whether you celebrate Christmas or another holiday, may you have a blessed day (or multiple days) surrounded by people that mean the most to you, God bless!</span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-51562816611661247042012-12-23T20:30:00.000-08:002012-12-23T20:30:53.686-08:002012-12-23T20:30:53.686-08:00Closing The Distance<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 23-Anticipation </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>What are you looking forward to in the upcoming year?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">If you had asked me this question in years past, I could easily rattle off a list of things that I wanted to happen, but had no way of guaranteeing that they could happen. Yet I've learned the hard way that depending on circumstances and leaning on this perfect yet uncontrollable vision only leads to disappointment. Instead, I want to focus on what I can control. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And rather than make a long list of cliche New Years Resolutions that I'm more than likely to give up on at one point or another, I'm going to choose one thing to primarily put my emotional time and energy into. In my first entry for December, I declared that 2013 would be the year of freedom, and discussed the particular freedoms that I would like to embrace. But those freedoms can be summed up in one simple sentence: living with authenticity as well as intimacy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Despite sounding incredibly similar, I've come to the conclusion that these two words are not the same thing. While authenticity involves a person's self-awareness of who they are, it tends to frequently come off as defensive and lacking the will/motivation to improve or become better at something. It's individualistic and involves only that one person taking responsibility for how they present themselves. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Intimacy is where two or more people genuinely present themselves to one another exactly as they are and make a point to actively connect and relate to each other. It's raw and without pretense. It takes time and involves an equal amount of sharing and listening; telling the truth and being able to hear it and recognize it. It's not a state of codependency, but acknowledging the fact that one can't survive or succeed on their own. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And I say that because there was an insane imbalance of the two in my life this year. I knew who I was and how I felt, but scared stiff of how some of my friends and family would react if I peeled back those layers. I was not only careful about who I talked to, but how I talked to them; I didn't want to risk being looked down upon for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, or just oversharing in general. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What my insecurities prevented me from discussing in person, I wrote it on my blog and had other people read it. It may have kept me from enduring rejection (at least verbally) but it left me isolated from those that I desperately wanted to know, and for them to know me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So if there's one thing that I really want out of the New Year, it's to have relationships with very little insecurities or inhibitions. To have that closeness and vulnerability that I once did seven years ago. It's just too exhausting to try so hard to keep my guard up, as opposed to risking a kind of pain that can eventually be healed. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It won't, nor is it possible for everyone that I interact with, because sometimes personalities just don't mesh well. On the other side of it, I can also tell when we don't have a lot in common and when I'm the one holding back. I don't know why exactly, but I've been told that it's the gift of discernment. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Whether it be feeling confident in our own skin, or being vulnerable with another person, I think it's something that is hard for everyone in one way or another. It's hard because we're given this mixed message that our self-worth should be based on being likable rather than being human. If we don't meet specific standards, then we're not good enough. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Although I don't have an exact blueprint as to how I'm going to work my way out of isolation in terms of certain relationships, a lot of it is a matter of not depending on friends or family to help determine how I see myself. And that no matter what pain I have to go through, I will be OK. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I've assumed that the greatest pain is rejection. But it turns out the greatest pain is a life without knowing, and a life without love.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-7763845285623368332012-12-22T16:01:00.000-08:002012-12-22T16:01:00.898-08:002012-12-22T16:01:00.898-08:00The Intersection of Love And Hate<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 22-Revelation</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>What was your most surprising revelation in 2012?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I may come across as niave or lacking common sense by not having figured this out until I was in my twenties, but here it is: just because a collective demographic tells you how to do something, or that you should feel a certain way, doesn't mean that it's sound or rational advice. Just because it's the "norm" among a particular generation at this time, doesn't mean that it will work for you. That being said, the two categories that this applies to the most are as follows:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Love</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When built on a strong and firm foundation, I don't believe that love ever truly dies. Some relationships will fade into the background, maybe for a certain period of time, or perhaps that their purpose in your life has been fulfilled. If nothing else, it changes a different shape. You can't always put a finger on it and recognize exactly what it is, or even why. All you know for sure is that you will always care for them on some level, regardless of the paths you take or the amount of times one/both of you mess up. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You shouldn't have to have reasons why you feel the way you do or how you treat another person. You do it because of who that person is, and not necessarily what they do for you. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On the other hand, it's essential to know how to give and take; to know how to love well. You may feel like your heart is completely filled to where you would do anything for someone; but if either one or both don't know how to demonstrate that, being in each other's lives is more stress than it's worth. Sometimes you're both in different stages or seasons of life. Sometimes you have your own issues and insecurities that you need to deal with separately. But it's not good to risk losing yourself when you're grasping at straws. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I have no doubt that I want to be pursued, to be fought for, and to be wanted.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">If there's one piece of advice that I never want to forsake, it's to allow God to put the pieces of the puzzle together in His timing, rather than try to force them on my own. Whether you believe in a higher power or not, never try to mold yourself into a type that fits into someone else's ideals, or force something to happen when at the moment it might not be a good time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Hatred</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I was once asked why I don't hate anybody. It's rather simple, actually: I don't see the purpose in putting that much energy into a person that does help me to grow or make my life better. Oh yeah, I've proclaimed it in the heat of the moment. There are people that drive me absolutely up the wall at times. But it doesn't mean that I would try to make their lives miserable every chance I got. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I just don't understand why some have such disdain toward people they don't know; they claim it's because of one or a group's religious beliefs, sexual orientation, political association, career/profession, etc. But if you don't know them and who they are or what they do doesn't directly affect you, then why go all out?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Personally, I think hatred is what's driving this country into the ground. Worse is when one puts hatred into action. It's not about whether you should like a person and/or agree with what they do, say, and believe. It's about being respectful, regardless of the situation, and knowing when to walk away when you can't handle it anymore. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Avoiding them isn't going to do it. The only way life will ever get any better is learning how to coexist with what you don't necessarily like. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I can understand anger and heartbreak toward one that has wronged/hurt/completely broken another. It's a natural reaction to fight back, because it's the one immediate way to do it. And it takes a lot of time to work through; weeks, months, or even years. It's how healing takes place. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But the biggest step of healing is forgiveness. In my eyes, there are two kinds of such: one is where you're willing to give whoever caused you pain a second chance and allow them back into your life. The other is when you have no contact whatsoever, but you forgive if only for the sake of giving yourself permission to move forward. I speak from experience when I say that holding grudges will do nothing but destroy you in the long run. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">That doesn't mean you have to forgive right away, or only forgive once. Depending on the level on pain, it can take a very long time. Don't rush yourself. But don't actively try to hold on to what you can't control, either. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On a final note, this is not an instructional manual on how to navigate love and hatred; I just feel that this is what's best for me, and how I want to live. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">May 2013 be a year of love and joy, not a year of pain and hate.</span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-66144881611075465442012-12-21T09:36:00.000-08:002012-12-21T09:36:12.899-08:002012-12-21T09:36:12.899-08:00Sweet Baby<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 21-Sadness</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>What was the saddest moment this year?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Before it happened, I would have picked the untimely death of Whitney Houston. But then around two thirty last Friday, I began hearing the reports of the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School. The numbers came pouring in from the likes of Facebook and various TV screens. First it was eighteen, then it just kept going. Twenty-seven in all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My automatic reaction was that it had to be some kind of sick joke. A twenty year old breaks in to a school and opens fire on a classroom full of kindergarteners and other teachers nearby. Many of them ranged in ages from five to seven years old.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>They were just babies...</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The name and face of Adam Lanza is being shown everywhere, as though his twisted legacy is what we should remember. That yearbook photo, or whatever photo was chosen, is so incredibly haunting. I can't help but think of Norman Bates every time I see it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And frankly, I'm tired of seeing it. Those kids and the teachers that died protecting them are the only ones we should focus on right now, not the killer. I understand that people want answers, especially the parents. But unfortunately, I feel that we're not going to get them right away, or perhaps not ever. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Those sweet babies....</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The media is reporting every single little detail; survivors are being questioned and interviewed when they probably haven't even had time to process what happened. One tells of a bullet going right past his head. Another walks out covered in a classmates blood and says that he had to pretend that he had died. While there's no telling how they'll cope in the time to come, there's no denying that innocence has been lost. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Those sweet babies....</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I can't read or watch anything without bursting into tears, particularly the funeral of the little boy who was saluted by the entire fire department because he'll never get to be one. Or when his best friend wrote him a simple, yet heartbreaking letter about how much he was going to miss him. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Those sweet babies...</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Meanwhile, politics and the American people have started a verbal war of words over gun control. An issue no less that should be looked at closely and carefully. But what about the reasons behind why so many of these infamous shooters do this? What about the intense hatred and loneliness that courses through them, and that has been spilling out from every single one of us for decades? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">All I know right now is that I will never be able to look at a young child again without wanting to pick them up and hold them; to whisper that it's going to be OK and that they can hold onto princesses and superheroes a little longer. But the reality is that nothing is completely safe anymore. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In the middle of all this, twenty-seven sets of parents and/or family members are doing the unthinkable by not only burying their children, but doing so in front of a dozen or more news cameras and photographers. While I get that the media is only trying to do their job, what about allowing these people to grieve peacefully and in private? I don't need the internet or a twenty four hour feed to know that their hearts are broken and might never be completely healed. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Rest in peace, sweet baby. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And in the depths of my soul, a small cynical part of me dares to ask "what or who is next?" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I hope and pray that no one ever has to find out.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I purposefully waited a little to bit to write this, because there were times when I didn't know how. This is not perfectly polished writing, but simply my train of thought as I try to wrap my head around all of it. I may be right and I may be wrong, I can't say. But God bless the children and their families, and may one day a light shine through it all.</span><br />
<br />
<br />Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-5199600456326264812012-12-20T12:25:00.000-08:002012-12-20T12:25:16.059-08:002012-12-20T12:25:16.059-08:00From Man, To A Monster, And Back Again<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 20- Fear</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Describe something that scared you. How did you overcome your fear?</b> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I've always thought to have good relationships with guys,
but I've actually been struggling with those views for a while now. I've
mentioned it in passing, only because I was still in the thick of working through it, and how it related to other relational aspects of my life. I
will forewarn and say that I’m not glossing over anything or mincing words,
although I won’t include names out of respect for those involved. I was not in
a good place at the time, but have learned a lot since then, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It was back in March, when a couple of family friends came
to campus to visit me for the weekend. We went to a nightclub downtown, and
immediately got separated upon entering; they went straight to the upstairs bar
area, while I immediately hit the dance floor. I made several attempts to try and find them,
but the place was so packed and texting wasn't doing a whole lot either. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">For a short time I considered heading home; I want to wait
around for them all night. However, I felt extremely protective of the both of
them since neither knew the area very well. And when you’re unfamiliar with how
the police force in my college town works, it’s possible to get into some
serious trouble. And for those two, getting into trouble meant serious
consequences. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On my
end, I didn't get out that much and I wasn't about to waste it. A short time
later, a guy approached me and asked me to dance. I had done it before and had no problems, so I agreed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It was
fun for a little bit. He kept trying to kiss me, to which I would turn my head
away or tell him no. I hadn't experienced my first kiss yet, and I was not about to
give it to someone that I wasn't even attracted to. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When I wouldn't kiss him, he resorted to groping me below
the belt. Honestly, It didn't occur to me to tell him no, because I’d believed
over the years that such touching in that kind of environment was “just
something that people did” and that it was best act like it didn't matter. All I remember thinking was how badly it physically hurt, and how it hurt to put on jeans or sit down for a day or two afterward. The first chance I got,
I bolted up the stairs and out the door. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Upon leaving, I found my friends in the ped mall (the area
where a lot of the bars/clubs and restaurants are located) and insisted we get
the hell out of there. Meanwhile, they’re telling me that they want to go find
a party and that we should split up. They were way past drunkenness, and I felt
as if I had no choice but to agree. I had very little money to spend on a taxi,
and the night ride service was done after three in the morning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I started walking toward my apartment with the mindset that
if I couldn't find a party, at least I could go home. Creepy Kevin Federline (that’s
how I remember what he looked like) showed up again out of nowhere and was
adamant about walking with me, despite my firm rebuttal of preferring to be
alone. I felt trapped, because everything was starting to close down, so there
weren't many places I could go to get help. It seemed even less safe to go to
the cops; the buzz of the liquor had worn off, but I was extremely tired and
therefore appeared to be more out of it then I actually was. I didn't want to
run the risk of getting a ticket or being arrested for public intoxication. I basically
went into survival mode; in that moment,
I thought it was better to have him walk with me than walk alone and be
ambushed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On the way back, he asked me a lot of personal and sexual
questions. I did my best to be nonchalant about it in hopes that he would take
a hint. Taking it a step further, he put his arm around me and attempted to
sweet talk me about dating and what I wanted in a relationship. By now I was
more irritated than I was afraid. I wriggled out of his grasp and told him “I
do have pepper spray, and if you (effing) touch me one more time, I will spray
you!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We got to the intersection where I usually crossed to get to
my apartment, and I said that I could take it from there (there was no way I
would allow him to walk me to the door). He tried to kiss me again, but I
refused and then practically sprinted toward my building without looking back. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">For about two weeks afterward, I was both terrified and
paranoid; I wasn't sure if he had seen the exact place that I was living in, so
it was hard to fall asleep at night; the building was more like a motel six,
where you could walk right in as opposed to having to go through a hallway, and
needing a special key or code to get to that point. Not to mention the lock
didn't work well (and I know because I accidentally kicked the door in once). I
avoided going out until shortly before finals and I made absolutely sure that
it was with friends that I completely trusted. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I didn't have a whole lot of time to work through the
ordeal, <a href="http://alsmusings-alyrose.blogspot.com/2012/12/unavoidable-loss.html">since I had a whole lot of other crap going on in my life</a>. I did tell a few
of my close girlfriends about it, most of whom I knew would react without
judgment or asking why I hadn't handled it differently. And while I do kind of
regret not bringing it up, I chose not to discuss the matter very seriously with
those that I had been with that night; I tried to do so very casually, and all
I got was “I’m not responsible for what I do when I’m drunk” which indicated
that going any further would be a lost cause. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Of course, I had no intentions of making my family aware,
but one relative did see that something was up and eventually got it out of me.
It wasn't a very detailed explanation, so I wasn't surprised when I was told
that enough time had already passed (four months up to that point) and that I
needed to move on. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In a way, I did get what she was saying; I hadn't been
raped, so why was it a big deal? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The thing is, while I didn't lose my virginity that night, I no longer had the sense of safety that I once felt in the time that I
been in college. I have never viewed myself as an overly sexy person and I don’t
try to purposefully get attention, so I assumed that no one would try
to come after me. But then I thought the other tiny incidents that I had pushed
out of my mind: a guy calling out to me on the sidewalk asking me if I would
sleep with him, and then when I ignored him, he told me that he could easily
rip me in half. Another being a little too rough with me the first time I went
out dancing. I was hit on by at least three or four different guys during my
twentieth birthday celebration, and that ended with my friends and I being
followed out of the place. Collectively, it all was a big deal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When the first semester of junior year
started, I noticed that I was starting to act really out of character; I was
constantly on alert while walking around at night, even though I lived much
closer to campus and it was only a ten minute walk. I couldn't, and still have
trouble with looking a man in the eye in passing, regardless if it’s day or
night. I was judgmental and suspicious of every guy that I saw on the street or
on campus. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">More than anything, men scared the crap out of me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I decided to continue doing group counseling, and knew I
needed to discuss if I was ever going to truly heal. It took a few weeks, but
eventually I did gather the courage to talk about it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It was really tough, both in group and in general to be
vulnerable; I was ashamed by the choices that I made, and
didn't want to face the pain and rejection that could possibly result from such
honesty. This was especially true of the Christian student organizations that I was involved
with, as well as most of my guy friends. Around campus, you’re either a good
person or a bad person, and there doesn't seem to be much of an in-between.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Emotionally and figuratively, it seemed easier to become
defensive and automatically assume that the people I interacted with the most
weren't going to understand. I particularly kept it from my guy friends for a
long time because I didn't want to dump everything on them and make them feel
like they had to make it better. I needed to be able to see clearly first and
work it out in an environment where it could be properly addressed before I
told certain people. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It turns out that there were a lot of difficulties
underneath what I’d been through. I realized that I didn't know how to say no
or communicate effectively when something, be it physical or emotional, upsets
me or makes me uncomfortable. I don’t have a close relationship with my Dad or
my brother, and that has bothered me to an extent. The big thing was that I
hadn't opened up to a man since I was sixteen years old.. There were several others that came into
my life after that, but any attempt to connect with them on that level was
immediately shot down or turned out to be an epic failure. For a while, I thought it was better not to try.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In the last nine months, I have been slowly working my way
back to viewing the opposite gender in a healthy light. I’m still somewhat
hypersensitive when walking around at night, but I do take the Night-Ride bus
if I’m going home at ten o’clock or later. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I haven’t been to the nightclubs since then, although I
still enjoy dancing and can’t promise that I won’t ever go back. I will no
longer allow random men to touch me or give me a hug if they ask (it has
happened many times). I no longer care if it gets to the point where I have to
be a complete bitch or get other people involved in order for a creep to stop
bothering me. I’d prefer not to make a scene, but self-protection ultimately precedes over being nice. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I've come off the pedestal of thinking that all men are
heartless; I have met and gotten to know some that are absolutely wonderful and
respectful. However, it does still take time for me to fully trust and invest in someone, which is for another post regarding intimacy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This kind of situation is just about me; there are millions
are stories regarding both women and men who endure this kind of hell, often
way worse than what I experienced. It’s not enough to just avoid specific areas
or establishments, because it can happen just about anywhere and at any time.
Go on hollaback.org and you’ll read stories about incidents on subways, trains,
and even just walking down the street in broad daylight. Any place can be
potentially dangerous, depending on how crowded or deserted it is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don’t know if there is one broad solution to solving this
problem; there will always be sick idiots out there who think that they’re
either entitled or claim that they can’t control themselves. While it’s
important for women to be aware and keep themselves safe, one can only do so
much before they feel like they’re isolating themselves from daily life. Men
need get it through their heads that if a woman tells them no or makes it clear
that she has boundaries, they need to respect that and back off. Even if there
are mixed signals or scantily clad clothing involved, that does not give a guy
the right to feel her up or take her home. I hate to be blunt, but if anyone is
really that desperate to have sex, go find someone that’s sober and will give a
clear and verbal “yes.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This is not an issue of sensitivity or how a big of a deal something
is; this is an issue of comfort and personal space. I know that if I don’t like
something or become uncomfortable, than dammit you’re not going to be able to
convince me otherwise. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">To anyone that has read this entire thing, thank you so
much. Unfortunately not many want to openly discuss this stuff, but the only
way a difference will ever be made is if we stop making excuses are start
standing up for something. This kind of crap isn't normal and shouldn't be
taken lightly. It’s disgusting, and no one should have to live with the shame
of another person’s choice. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">If you can, take the time to share this with people that you
know. If a friend or a family member approaches you and admits that they were
in this type of circumstance, don’t brush them off or tell them to let it go.
Everyone has different ways of handling stuff that scares them, and it’s not
your place to tell them how to do it. Listen carefully, and if you don’t know
how to respond, simply say “I hear you and I respect that you feel that way.”
It might very well be a situation that needs to be reported to the police. But overall, a positive and non-condemning
response can and will make a world of difference. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don't see myself as a victim, but rather someone who has been through a lot and is managing to overcome it through love and Faith. The more I hear
about these stories, the stronger my feelings become. I don’t want pity or
apology, but to live in the comfort and truth of not having to hide anymore. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It happened to me, but you can impact whether or not it
happens to anyone else.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-4994104888271042562012-12-19T11:26:00.000-08:002012-12-19T11:26:59.519-08:002012-12-19T11:26:59.519-08:00The Lone Wolf on Balcony #14<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 19-Humor</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>What was the funniest thing that happened to you this year?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Oh jeeze, I managed to get myself in quite a few shennanigans over the course of time. In retrospect, this scenario seems worrisome rather than funny, but looking back on it, I can't help but laugh over the circumstances. For the sake of knowing that you really had to be there in order to see the humor in the situation, I'm going to tell it from a third person point of view. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It was an usually warm late afternoon for that Tuesday, even though the semester was only in it's second or third week. A had been hard at work trying to get a good chunk of reading done, but arriving home close to four o'clock almost every day made it difficult to not want to do anything but rest. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"I need a break," she murmured, grabbing a gatorade out of the fridge. Upon seeing her open laptop, she decided that this might be a good time to sit down and work on her blog for a little bit. She hadn't had much time because of all the running around that needed to be done for classes, along with getting slammed with a boatload of course work after Labor Day weekend. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She sat down and proceeded to write, but something felt odd about it; the room was too dim and her phone felt like a distraction.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Why not sit on the balcony? A mused. She thought it be best to enjoy the warm weather while it lasted, since it was probable to be eighty degrees one day and fifty the next. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A sat down in one of the patio chairs and proceeded to write about the latest happenings and perks of living in a one bedroom apartment. Everything felt peaceful, almost to the point of being idyllic. She looked out onto the street nearby and felt a tingle of appreciation that caused her to shiver. I really am blessed, she thought. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She looked at the clock on her computer and realized it was five thirty; she had spent almost an hour and a half avoiding homework, and didn't want to risk falling behind so early on in the semester. Deciding that the blog post could wait, she gently set her laptop down on the adjacent chair in order to open the door. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Except it wouldn't open. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jingle. Jangle. Push. Pull. Bam. She tried several times, but nothing seemed to work. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Ok, this is weird." A had enough trouble keeping the door closed from the inside, so why would all of the sudden automatically lock? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Maybe there was someone else in the building that could help. Her front door was locked, but she'd been told by friends that you could use just about any key to get into any apartment building. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Apartment building. Not an actual apartment. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The predicament that A found herself in was more annoying than terrifying. This hadn't happened before, so what exactly was wrong? She leaned her head up against the screen and tried to see if anyone else was outside. The guys upstairs were always making noise, so perhaps they might have a solution. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But when she called out to them, no one replied. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There was the option of breaking the glass, but A could already tell it was pretty thick and didn't want to risk hurting herself. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Don't panic. Stay calm. You can handle this." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The knot in her stomach tightened when she realized that she had purposefully left her phone on the couch, so not to be distracted while writing. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The sun began to slowly sink over the apartment buildings across the street. "Shit, what am I going to do now?" The idea of being outside all night made her feel rather uneasy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Her computer was halfway out of battery, but it was the only communication device she had. Logging on to Facebook, she first messaged some of her her friends in hopes that one of them would know what to do. In the meantime, she noticed that her Mom was available to chat. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Mom, I'm in a bit of a situation. I need you to call the landlord and have him come over here to help me.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">They chatted back and forth to try and figure out how she had managed to not only lock herself out her apartment, but on her balcony, no less. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">By that point the sun had gone down. It was getting close to six thirty, and who knows how long she would be stuck. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Just then, she saw headlights directly in front of her. Her best friend, J had gotten her Facebook post and agreed to drive over and make sure everything was OK. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">At the sight of each other, both the girls automatically broke out in laughter. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"What in the heck happened?" J asked through fits of giggles. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Nearly close to tears from laughing so hard, A did her best to relay the predicament for what felt like the umpteenth time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Good lord, woman, only you would do this." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"And only you would come over and talk me down, even though there's not a whole lot you can actually do for me." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The police arrived shortly after, along with a locksmith who wanted to charge fifty dollars in order to break it. A figured she didn't have much of a choice in the matter and was about to say yes when her computer bleeped with a Facebook message. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">He [the landlord] just called me back and will be over soon. Hang in there!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">About ten minutes later, the patio door lock jiggled and opened. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Hallelujah!" was all A could cry out upon seeing the inside of her apartment, and J standing at the counter. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Her landlord apologized for not letting her know that the door indeed did lock from the inside if you shut it all the way. Before giving her a hug and then leaving, J made sure that A put her spare key where she could access it in case something similar ever happened again. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">By the time everything had settled, it was close to nine o'clock. There was no way that A would get anything done tonight/ Quite frankly, she spent the night with a glass of wine and her favorite lasagna that had been sitting in the fridge. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Needless to say, A doesn't go out on to her balcony without checking the lock Even more so, she doesn't close the door all the way whenever she's outside. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In retrospect, it's not all that funny. But I do look back on it and laugh, knowing that I can add it to the list of crazy situations that I've gotten myself into while in college.</span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-77787446094436527422012-12-18T14:19:00.000-08:002012-12-18T14:19:54.119-08:002012-12-18T14:19:54.119-08:00Yearly Gratitude<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 18-What are you thankful for this year?</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I always try to express gratitude on a daily basis, but there was quite a bit this year that made 2012 both wonderful, challenging, and life changing all at the same time. Here are the top twelve of 2012. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">1. My health, and the health of my loved ones. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">2. Friends that tell it like it is. I wouldn't have made as much progress so far if it weren't for those that were willing to tell me the completely blunt and honest truth. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">3. My family, who supported me in all that I did this year and when I achieved. The small gestures of calling to make me laugh or let me know that they were thinking of me always brought a smile to my face. My grandparents, in particular, have a way with doing that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">5. My therapy group; again, they're also people that looked me in the eye and told me exactly how they saw it, and I needed that wake-up call. Each of their stories has given me so much perspective on life and the fact that we are all dealing with our own pain and struggle. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">6. The Salt Company and Intervarsity; I have been involved in both of these groups in the last twelve months, and have experienced so much growth because of it. I hope to go deeper and develop closer relationships as this coming year goes on. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">7. Having my own place to live that I feel insanely comfortable in, and others feel comfortable in as well. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">8. The blogosphere; yes it can get crazy and sometimes down right nasty, but I learned a lot from the blogs that I read on a regular basis, especially those that I posted yesterday. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">9. My gift and passion for writing</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">10. My school</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">11. The ability to stay physically fit. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">12. Awareness of both the good things, as well as the bad and the ugly. It is something that I once felt had set me apart from my peers, but now I see it as a very positive trait about myself.</span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-53195270166533670812012-12-17T17:44:00.000-08:002012-12-17T17:44:27.960-08:002012-12-17T17:44:27.960-08:00This Year's Inspiration-Blog Edition!!!<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 17-Inspiration</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Who or what inspired you? What did you learn from them?</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I thought I would do something a little bit more unique for this prompt. Instead of listing out people in my life, I would discuss the blogs that have inspired me and motivated me, both as a writer and a person. The blogging world gets discredited and land blasted for not being an actual form of writing, I have come away with so much from these people's stories about their lives and such a willingness to share them.While some of them are centered on the Christian faith, others are not, but that doesn't mean that they're not worth reading! If you have time over the holidays, sit back with a cup of cocoa or cider and see for yourself. And just a little side note, none of these are ranked. They're all wonderful in their own way and it would be very hard to do so. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><a href="http://www.danoah.com/">Single Dad Laughing</a>-</b>I started reading two years ago when I found it through Facebook; at the time, I wrote it off as something that I couldn't relate to because it was mostly about parenting, and I was only eighteen! But there was something about it that drew me in, and I kept reading post after post. It's definitely more than just about being a parent; he covers topics such as dating, religion, perfection, and so much more. Some will leave you in tears because they're so deep, heart-wrenching, and moving. Yet, it's not just the topics that interest me, but that rawness and vulnerability in his writing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="http://secureandstrong.blogspot.com/"><b>The Identity Project</b></a>-Not only is she a good friend of mine, but an amazing woman of God who has such a gift of words and wisdom. I read her blog every morning, and I'm always left with something to meditate on throughout the day. Her recent <a href="http://secureandstrong.blogspot.com/2012/12/identity-embrace-prayer-for-ct.html">prayer for those involved in the Newtown tragedy</a> left me weeping for those sweet children and their families. I love how every day has it's own kind of theme and topic, along with a verse or quotation. Thank you being such a blessing, dear friend; both in real life and in the blogosphere!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="http://ninaconcepcion.blogspot.com/"><b>The Good Girl</b></a>-Every time I read something of hers, I can't help but feel that "warm blanket" feeling that I often describe when something really speaks to me, or I'm completely and utterly at home with a person or a situation. I love her enthusiasm and and positive attitude about her faith and life in general. I also can't wait to hear about her many adventures to come!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><a href="http://allgroanup.com/">All Groan Up</a>-</b>For anyone that is in their twenties or even thirties, this blog is definitely worth reading! I found it to be a great and necessary kick in the pants, because it gave me a realistic look at what life is like during and after college, and how to navigate the not-so-glittery reality. What really hit home for me was the <a href="http://allgroanup.com/adult/21-secrets-for-your-20s/">21 Secrets For Your 20's</a>. Even if you're not a big fan of reading blogs, at least read <i>that </i>one!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="http://goodwomenproject.com/"><b>The Good Women Project</b></a>-I can't remember how exactly I found this; possibly through the devotionals that I was receiving via e-mail sometime ago. When I did, I was going through a very confusing time in regards to where I was at in my faith and with God. It was reassuring to know that I was not the only one trying to make sense of certain things that I had been taught or witnessed in church, specifically problems that a lot of women tend to face. It was like pulling back the curtain after a long period of time, but I didn't have a spotlight shining in my eyes. Thank you for giving me peace of mind, and hope!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">These are only just a few of my favorites. I plan to put a blog roll up sometime in the near future, so keep watching for that. In the meantime, take some time to read these. Most likely, you'll be glad you did!</span><br />
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<br />Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-5247212874423957122012-12-16T15:08:00.000-08:002012-12-16T15:08:00.259-08:002012-12-16T15:08:00.259-08:00Me And God<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 16-Discovery</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>What did you discover this year? How did it help you grow?</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Back in August, I wrote about where I was at in my Christian spiritual journey, and how a lot of what I was struggling with had <a href="http://alsmusings-alyrose.blogspot.com/2012/08/what-about-now-part-1.html">more to do with The Church and Christian culture</a> than with God. I had planned on immediately writing a second portion to it, but I didn't even really know where my faith was at, or even how to describe it. It has taken time to put a finger on it, but I feel like now I can discuss it without any major confusion or fear. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It began with a real moment of clarity; I was lying in bed one night after a particular stressful week, during the second semester of my sophomore year. The tension and stress in my than- living situation was at an all-time high, and there wasn't much that I or anyone else could do about it. With tears spilling down my face, I thought to myself, <i>I wish I could just take my Bible and go someplace far away and spend time with God until this is over. </i></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Lord,I'm alone and I need you. </span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I can't do this anymore</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Please, help me</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In that moment, God was what I needed. In similar moments, God was and often is all that I have. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">That summer, going to church on a regular basis was hard; I was only taking one class, but it took up a lot of my time due to the hefty amounts of reading and note-taking. On the other hand, I was also yearning for something more than just sitting in a service and hanging on the pastor's every word. I wanted connection and intimacy; to feel what it was like to know God beyond the walls of a building or a group of people. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I had heard about <i>Jesus Calling</i> through a few friends that had been reading it. I was in the process of learning how to genuinely pray, and I discovered that I was terrible at doing so out loud. It felt weird and uncomfortable, almost to the point of being robotic. I had already gotten into the habit of writing letters to my Creator over the years, but this brought it to a much deeper level. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I would often write in my journal while listening to meditative music; sometimes it would be a short prayer, and other days it would take an hour or more to articulate all the thoughts I had regarding the topic. I have connected with God so much more through that book than I have anywhere else in the last five years. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When the Chic-Fil-A controversy came about, I once again felt as though I was trapped in the middle of it, as I tend to feel with many current social issues. I witnessed so much anger and uprising, both online and offline. Frankly, It was not something that I wanted to give involved in. At the time, my little brother had just shipped out for basic training while the Air For Academy was being surrounded by a raging wildfire in Colorado, so I was not about to get worked up over whether or not I should boycott a fast food chain. And I know that it was so much more than that, but taking a side in that fiasco wasn't exactly on my priority list. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I do have my own opinions about various social causes, such as abortion, homosexuality, and the like. Everybody, both Christian and non-Christian, has the right to have their own thoughts and views regarding such. What makes me unbelievably angry is the way both sides go about articulating such. I can only speak for myself, but I refuse to pick up a sign and go protest at a courthouse or an abortion clinic. I am not going to blatantly tell someone whether or not they're going to heaven or hell. I refuse to hold others to specific and impossible standards that I wouldn't want to be held to. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Why? For starters, I just don't see the point. I've heard people say that they're motivated by "holy passion", but there is a vast difference between passion and blind anger/hatred. No one wants to listen to anyone that stands behind a fence or a piece of caution tape and screams about how much God hates this or that. And if they do stop and listen, my guess is that they walk away with an impression that is anything but good. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Second, a person's struggle with their sexuality, or anything that goes against the Bible, is between them and God, not me or whomever is around them. It's not my place to tell that person where they stand with God, or what their relationship with Him should be like. These things take time and processing, and only God is fully aware of that person's heart. Don't try take on a task that is only possible for the Holy Spirit to do. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Again, I completely respect the fact that people think what they want to think. What I scratch my head over is how one chooses to treat other human beings in light of that the line of thinking. In other words, Scripture may have a ton of different verses about what is a true Christian and what doesn't, but what about the verses regarding love? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>How you act is most certainly a reflection of faith; how you love is an even bigger, more powerful reflection of that.</b> Refusing to love, in my eyes, seems like absolute hypocrisy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">That's why I had such a hard time all those years. I questioned and wondered all right, but that period of time was a lot shorter than trying to figure out how to admit that I didn't, and still don't see everything as completely black and white. I was terrified of not being "Christian enough" and being pushed away and condemned as a result. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">For the last year, I have been slowly learning what it means to be a woman of faith outside the Christian bubble; the one that puts so much emphasis on gelling into this clean, Eutopian-esque culture, instead of living authentically and <a href="http://alsmusings-alyrose.blogspot.com/2012/12/a-cup-of-grace.html">being willing to extend and receive the gift of Grace</a>. As I said in that post, I needed to stop trying to mold myself into something that I thought I should be and allow God to mold me into the person that he wants me to be. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">These days, I don't know if I like the term "Christian" anymore. Sure, I use it a lot and it is pretty common. But I'm not a fan of the negative connotations that have become associated with it, and I don't think it genuinely represents how I view my creator. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I would much rather say "I have a relationship with God." That's what it ultimately comes down to, particular when I take my last breath. Me and God. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yes, community is important; by finding the right community, even more than one for me, I have grown so much more and it's been a lot easier clearing up some of the cobwebs. But you can't depend on it to "feed" you all the time. If you try to build a solid foundation on something that can easily change, it eventually will crumble. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm going to church and I'm in a Bible study, but I'm no longer afraid to disagree with the way that a message is being presented, or ask questions about it. I'm open to discussions about faith and daily life, but I'm not going to pressure myself to try and follow other people's convictions, especially if it's just not <i>me. </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My journey is not over, as is the case with everyone. I still have a lot to learn in terms of how I can apply my faith to the coming stages and seasons of my life. My advice to anyone who has, or is currently experiencing what I went through is this: Don't be afraid of uncertainty, or the possibility of going through what some may label a "crisis." You will go through it, whether it be in high school, college, or at some point when you're out in the real world. Like human relationships, spiritual relationships have their own ups and downs. Be patient, and be open to wherever you feel like God is leading you. It might take a while, and it might take you to places that you'd never thought you would go. But eventually, you will look back on everything and be reminded that it happened for a reason. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I know I did. And I'm glad.</span><br />
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Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-83912183732467645292012-12-15T08:54:00.001-08:002012-12-15T08:54:52.144-08:002012-12-15T08:54:52.144-08:00Another Side Of The Fence<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 15-Newness</b> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Did you try anything new in 2012? How did you like it/dislike it?</i> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I used to hate the idea of being alone for long periods of time. It made me feel like if I wasn't constantly surrounded by friends or even people, there was something wrong with me. At first, the idea of getting an apartment on my own signified that I stood out from others, and that I was a failure. But I had a lot of trouble finding someone to live with as it was, and didn't want to run the risk of not having it work out again by just moving in with the first person that agreed. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Fast forward to now, and looking back on the semester, it is one of the best decisions that I've made this year, if not in my entire college career. I love having my own space where everything is a reflection of me. I'm free to come and go as I please, and I'm not dreading what I'm going to find once I walk in the door. There's no tension or bending over backwards to try and keep shit from hitting the fan. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Honestly, it did get lonely the first weekend I was there; I would occasionally wish that I just had someone to talk to, because that was time when everyone was reuniting and catching up from being apart over the summer. And not that I didn't have people to catch up with, but rather they hadn't come back into town yet. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But that ache and that hurt that I used to feel from last year is gone. If I want to spend time with friends and talk to them, I call them up and we make a date to get coffee or lunch. I had a small party for the first time the weekend before finals; it was a send-off for my best friend that is studying abroad next semester, and I felt blessed to be able to host such an event. I pulled together a lot of good food, and we drank wine and just talked for most of the night. Oh, and then there was the crazy dance party for those of us who were still around after midnight! I hope I can have more of those as the school year goes on. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Most importantly though, I need space for myself. I've been going through a lot of healing in the past four months, and it has been extremely beneficial to have that solitude and quiet space in order to reflect. Living alone isn't something that I see as separating myself from those that I care about, but giving me the space and energy that I need in order to be the best person and friend that I can be. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Not having roommates is uncommon, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. And I have no regrets whatsoever.</span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-27785896999583843892012-12-13T20:00:00.000-08:002012-12-13T20:00:51.806-08:002012-12-13T20:00:51.806-08:00Not Quitting, But Not Accepting<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 13-Calling It Quits</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>When Did you really want to call it quits? Did you? </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You know, I don't think I really wanted to "quit" anything this year, so to speak. There were relationships where I was ready to boldly proclaim that I was done, while verbally giving that person the finger and getting on with my life. But I can't say I was overly motivated to throw in the towel for anything. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On the other hand, I did ask myself "is this all there is? Where's the line between being content and knowing that you can do and be better? In other words....</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Are my emotional struggles because of something that I'm doing or saying, it does it more relate to the kind of people that I'm allowing into my life? </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Will I always go through the same cycles over and over again? </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Is there a happy medium between optimism and pessimism? </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There were moments where I was perfectly OK with feeling like only certain parts of me existed; that I could just take whatever got handed to me and be able to get by in life. I was perfectly fine with never going back to the way I used to be, that innocent little girl with a mile wide grin on her face. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I had been through too much, I reasoned. I didn't want to have to repeatedly explain my past and than watch as people walked away. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I didn't see it as quitting; I saw it as accepting that this was the way things were going to be. There would always be fear and a barrier between me and certain people that I cared about. After all, it's normal for only a few people to know who you really are, right?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Every time I did that, I never felt whole or alive. Intimacy is a huge thing for me, and when I don't have that, it's like a big part of me is missing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I will write more about it when my brain doesn't feel like a fried egg (it's finals week around here). This has taken weeks, if not months to contemplate and process. A lot of it is going to be very deep, and maybe even somewhat difficult to take in But it is something that I want to share in the coming days of Reverb. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm ready to let it all go.</span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-36113317502447921012012-12-12T19:19:00.000-08:002012-12-12T19:19:06.095-08:002012-12-12T19:19:06.095-08:00A Bookworm in Hiding<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 12-Books </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I absolutely love reading! Unfortunately I did not get to read for pleasure this year as much as I would have liked to (being an English major, there's a lot of it that's required, which leaves little time for other stuff). However, that's not to say I didn't read at all. Here are some that I would definitely recommend, if you haven't read them already. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In no particular order...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Jesus Calling</b> <b>(Sarah Young)</b>-it's technically a Christian journaling devotional, but it can be read like a book. I started reading it over the summer and felt like I got more out of that than actual attending a regular church service on Sunday. Not to say that books should replace community! Whether you believe in God or not, I would definitely recommend it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Stories I Only Tell My Friends (Rob Lowe)</b>-I'm a big fan of memoirs, especially those written by celebrities. I feel like it's a good way to find out more about them, other than the sleazy stuff we hear in the grocery gossip magazines. I've seen a few of his brat pack films and watched him on <i>Brothers and Sisters </i>every once in a while, and his life sounded fascinating. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Best Of Me (Nicholas Sparks)</b>-Definitely not THE best novel he's ever written. The story seemed to follow the same old formula, and the ending was a little predictable. I'd say read Safe Haven and save this one for when you absolutely need something to read. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Through My Eyes (Tim Tebow)</b>-OK, whether you're a fan of his football playing abilities or not, there's no denying that this man is one of a kind. I was in awe (and a little teary eyed) as the book went on, and I think I read it in about two days. Very inspirational!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings (Dr. Maya Angelou)</b>-This was more for a class, but I found it interesting nonetheless. She's definitely someone I can picture sitting on a front porch with and talking all day to. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Gospel Side Of Elvis (Joe Moscheo)</b>-Celebrities and spirituality are a pretty common theme for me. I love Elvis Presley as a musician, and have always been interested in the way that he viewed God and spiritual manners in general, since he did record a few gospel albums. Beautifully written and a great look at a different side of a legend. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Coming Home (Karen Kingsbury)</b>-The final installment of The Baxter Family Series. If you haven't read any of her work, start with <i>Redemption </i>and go from there. The characters in every book are amazing and well written. But bring the tissues, and a lot of them!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ehh....(meaning, I put it down halfway through)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Her Daughter's Dream (Francine Rivers)</b>-I liked <i>Her Mother's Hope</i> a lot better; again, it was pretty predictable. A typical child prodigal story set in the 1960's counter-culture of California. And nothing will ever compare to <i>Redeeming Love. </i></span><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span></i>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>The Power of A Praying Woman (Stormie Martin)</b>- a lot of people in my church really enjoyed this, so I thought I would check it out. I was also struggling with prayer at the time that I picked it up, but it didn't seem to offer a whole lot in terms of how to pray. That's when I started reading Jesus Calling. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Oh No I Didn't.....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Before everybody jumps back in horror, I assure you that I'm not recommending it at all. For the sake of wanting to know what it was about before giving out any criticism (as many faith-based and church groups were doing) I did read the first ten chapters of Fifty Shades of Grey. It was dumb. To each their own, but the whole premise was so damn dumb that I threw it under my bed and didn't pick it up until my Mom wanted to let her friend borrow it. Basing it off of Twilight takes it to a definite negative. The writing is terrible, and I will never understand anyone that says it was the best book they've ever read. Please, go pick something with substance. I would go on about the whole idea of blaming fiction for our culture's views on relationships, but that's for another time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What were some of your favorites that you read this year? So so? Down right terrible?</span><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-45785860304194272692012-12-11T19:14:00.000-08:002012-12-11T19:14:34.406-08:002012-12-11T19:14:34.406-08:00Unavoidable Loss<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 11-Disappointment</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>What did you find yourself most disappointed by? How did you handle it?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We had gone from being friends to being roommates in a little over a year. It had been an extremely rock road, but I hoped and prayed that the pavement would be a little bit smoother, and when the semester ended we'd be able to leave things on a good note. Unfortunately, that would not turn out to be the case. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I had known for a long while that we weren't going to be the best of friends, at least not in the way we had been before we lived together. The disappointment stemmed from the constant clashing with one another. It was painfully obvious that we had different personalities and different views on life. That made it almost impossible to set boundaries, especially emotional ones. The biggest issue, as I've stated before, was communicating clearly with each other. And every time I tried to do what I thought I was right, I'd get it all thrown back in my face.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And up until I moved out, she was always one step ahead of me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There was days where I handled it well, and days where I did not. I clearly remember getting on the phone time and again with my Mom (and occasionally, my Dad) and yelling every curse word in the book regarding how miserable the whole thing was. I learned to make the most of the nights when I had the place to myself, but detested the awkward environment when we'd go days (at one period, close to a week) without speaking to each other. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But that's not where the disappointment came from. You see, we had opened up to one another shortly before agreeing to get a place together. Admittedly, the first thing I thought of was being able to have a best friend, as roommates sometimes are. But I genuinely wanted to help her and be there for her. Maybe, if I was a good enough example, she could heal from her own pain. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">That bubble burst within the first month. Although it did take me a few to fully understand that you can only be so empathetic to another person's situation, and that there are definite issues that go beyond the act of sitting down and having a heart to heart. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But I still felt like I failed; like I wasn't a good person. More so, like I wasn't a good friend. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We hardly ever speak anymore. I forgave her a long time ago, but mostly for the sake of being able to move on with my life. I have thought about reaching out to her and mending our broken relationship, but I'm very hesitant about that right now. I don't feel that I'm in a place where I'm emotionally capable of trying to do that, particularly because I'm still in the midst of my own healing. And I want to be sure of her wanting to put effort into it as well. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It was certainly a loss of closeness, that I know. But it was also a loss for the both of us, because no matter what either of us did, the situation never really improved. For now I thank God for the positive that came out of it, and to this day, choose not to have any regrets.</span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-78027410009028967992012-12-10T19:56:00.000-08:002012-12-10T19:56:53.207-08:002012-12-10T19:56:53.207-08:00Country Calling<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 10-Music</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>What were some of your favorite songs to listen to?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm a big fan of music, and this year provided a lot of great artists to be interested in. However, the one genre I felt drawn to the most was country music. A part of me has always loved it; I grew up dabbling into Garth Brooks, Shania Twain, and Faith Hill as a child. I drifted away from it for a while, but in recent years have grown tired of the typical "get drunk and get laid" party anthem motif that is frequently attached to most pop/rap music these days. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And while country has its share of partying and beer drinking, it's more often then not the less obvious message that the singer or band is trying to present. It has a story.More so, it touches on the simple and important things, such as faith and family. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It comes across as unpopular among a lot of people that I know. Then again, if it was as bad as some make it out to be, I don't think it would have multiple separate award shows. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I listened to a lot of it this year, and wanted to share a few of my favorites. Not everything is recent, a few artists/songs go back a few decades. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><u><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Luke Bryan</span></u></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Country Girl (Shake it for me)---> I put this on my top five favorite songs of all time!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Drunk on You</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I Don't Want This Night To End</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><u><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Keith Urban</span></u></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Making Memories Of Us</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Someone Like You</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sweet Thing</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You're Gonna Fly</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Kiss A Girl</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Days Go By</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">....and a lot more!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><u><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hunter Hayes</span></u></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Wanted (currently my favorite!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Love Makes Me</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Storm Warning</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><u><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Blake Shelton</span></u></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">God Gave Me You</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">All About Tonight</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Honeybee</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hillbilly Bone</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><u><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jason Aldean</span></u></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My Kinda Party</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Don't You Wanna Stay (with Kelly Clarkson)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The Only Way I Know</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Crazy Town</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dirt Road Anthem </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><u><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Lady Antebellum </span></u></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Own The Night</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Need You Now</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Our Kind of Love</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I Run To You</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dancing Away With My Heart</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><u><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Kenny Chesney </span></u></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Young</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Come Over</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Rockstar (with Tim McGraw)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Beer In Mexico</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Somewhere With You</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You and Tequila</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When The Sun Goes Down</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><u>Brad Paisley</u> </span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This Is Country Music</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Southern Comfort Zone</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Then</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Online</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She's Everything</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><u><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Little Big Town</span></u></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Tornado </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Boondocks</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Pontoon </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><u><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Josh Turner</span></u></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Time Is Love</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Why Don't We Just Dance</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><u><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Dierks Bentley</span></u></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">5-1-5-0</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Come A Little Closer</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What was I Thinkin' </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<b><u><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Carrie Underwood </span></u></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Blown Away</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">All American Girl</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jesus Take The Wheel</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Cowboy Casanova</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><u>Tim McGraw</u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Live Like You Were Dying</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When The Stars Go Blue</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Truck Yeah</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It's Your Love</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Southern Voice</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Fly Away</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I Like it, I Love it</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And you can't forget the classics....</span><br />
<u><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></u>
<b><u><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Johnny Cash</span></u></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I Walk The Line</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ring Of Fire</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Ghost Riders</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Jackson</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There are so many more I could name! But instead of going on endlessly, I say go over to I-tunes and do a little listening for yourself. Maybe your parents or grandparents have old CD's or records collecting dust and could be put to good use. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">For those that already love country music, what are some of your favorites? For those that are perhaps just discovering it, what have you been listening to so far?</span><br />
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<b><br /></b>
<b><u><br /></u></b>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-29397244355879093052012-12-09T17:43:00.000-08:002012-12-09T17:43:52.560-08:002012-12-09T17:43:52.560-08:00Nothing But Time<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Day 9-Gifts</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What was the most treasured or special gift that you received this year?</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Every Christmas and birthday I usually get a mountain of things, usually beauty products, clothing, and a variety of gift cards. And not to say that those weren't great, or that I'm not grateful for them. But most of it was stuff I eventually used up and could get another container/tube/package of. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You can't always do that with time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">For me, the one gift that I consider the most special, as well as personal, was the gift of time. Not just time to be used, but time to be spent with those that mean the world to me. It was mostly the simple things, like getting a cup of coffee or sharing a meal together, even if it was cafeteria food. Every so often it would be something fancy, like getting dressed up and going out dancing. Crazy family gatherings have always been a highlight as well; if my stomach doesn't get filled up with food, it definitely aches from laughing so hard!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But the biggest blessing of all was the conversation; sharing the raw, intimate, and sometimes difficult truths of what goes on in life. If it's not evident from my recent writings by now, I will say that I've become a lot more content and comfortable with the relationships that I've built over the years. I'm not afraid like I used to be. It's all something that I haven't felt in a very long time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I do value various kinds of sentiments, such as flowers, jewelry, and cards. But as this year draws to a close, I'm starting to realize that I appreciate and get more out of experiences than I do possessions. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I know that the holiday season often revolves around hours worth of shopping and whatever sales you save money from. But if there's one gift you can (and should) give a loved one this year, it's the gift of time. Take a friend out for lunch or coffee and ask them how they're really doing. Pick a person you interact with but don't know that well, and get to know them. Perform a random act of kindness. Volunteer for something that you're passionate about. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Which is how I want to live in the following year; making incredible memories with the ones that I love. It could be something big like a road trip/vacation, or a small gesture like throwing a send off shindig for a friend. Either way, I want it to be filled with joy and those that have helped me become the person that I am today.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Materialism only lasts for so long; it's the memories that keep what matters alive. </span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-61798719799364815602012-12-08T07:26:00.000-08:002012-12-08T07:34:25.422-08:002012-12-08T07:34:25.422-08:00What I DON'T Need<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 8-Unnecessary </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>What do you find yourself not needing in the upcoming year?</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I know that for the last couple of days, my Reverb posts have been list-like and somewhat bland/repetitive. With finals fast approaching, it has been a challenge for me to always write posts that are clear, deep, and engaging when I'm either giving myself a short break between study sessions, or right before I'm about to begin my day. On the other hand, I don't want to write extremely long things every day; personally, I find that tough to sift through as a writer. I ask my dear readers for patience as I finish out this last week of the semester. And thank you!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When comes to any approaching new something in my life (it could be a season, month, year, etc.) I try not to think too much about what I want; there is only so much I can control and be able to make happen, but I also don't want to just sit and accept whatever is handed to me. This is where I find myself thinking about not just want I want, but what I need. And more importantly, what I don't need. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don't need (major) barriers in relationships. Most of the stress that I felt from 2012 was because of a lack of communication between me and either one or more of my friends. It was the main reason why my relationship with my roommate reached a breaking point; she simply would not talk to me about things, particularly what actually did involve me. And whenever I would attempt to talk to her, I would get shot down. Those types of situations get to be too much. I've realized that I can't stand constantly using Facebook or even Twitter to talk to a friend. Not only is it impersonal, but it can be really confusing if the receiver doesn't get the message in time. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Now it's just coming up with the courage to be honest about how I feel. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don't need to live in fear. Fear is the one word that clouded this last half of the year, and at times made me want to go hide in a corner and not come out. Whether it be the fear of what others would think about me, or the fear of being attacked or winding up in a bad situation again, it was there. I lived in the spirit of constantly being afraid, and I did not feel like myself at all. I think It's healthy to believe that one is not immune to certain problems or circumstances. But constantly making a point to avoid it can become borderline destructive. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don't need excuses not to exercise. Honestly, I've been terrible at working out this semester, due to the amount of coursework I had each day or just being flat out tired. Now I'm naturally a thin lady, so those that know me insist that I shouldn't have to work out all the time. I'll be blunt about it: I do have an irrational fear of letting myself go and slipping into a physically unhealthy way of life. Yet it's not just about being healthy, but also feeling healthy. I want to have more energy and feel good. I hate sluggishness and being tired all the time. I need to make fitness a priority, even if it's just in the smallest of ways. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I don't need to <i>constantly</i> be responsible for others' choices or feelings. This is one of those things that I often go back and forth with: if I'm not thinking about or considering the needs of others, I'm selfish. But if I do it too much, I become a door mat and at times put myself in dangerous situations that are difficult to get out of. I wonder if I'm being enough of a positive influence in the lives of my family members, especially the ones that are younger. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In other words, I don't need to be wonder woman. I don't need to be carrying the weight of the entire world on my shoulders. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>When you realize what you don't need, it's easier to recognize and take hold of what you do need.</b></span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-61519057265312879672012-12-07T07:18:00.000-08:002012-12-07T07:18:40.713-08:002012-12-07T07:18:40.713-08:00Transitional Lessons<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 7-Transition </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>What do you want to take with you into 2013? </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Although every New Year is a time for a clean slate and beginning again, I don't think one can (or should) completely disregard previous memories and what they've learned from them. I feel as though I've gone through a bit of metamorphoses this year, almost to the point where it's hard to recognize the girl from just a year or two ago. But perhaps that's the reason is because I no longer feel like that girl, but rather that I am a strong and courageous woman. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The following five things/lessons I would take with me are: </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">1. <b>Don't do something because you feel like you're "supposed to."</b> Unfortunately, people get those kinds of phrases ingrained into their minds early on. <i>This is just what people do around here </i>or <i>That's just how it is </i>are some of the popular ones that I've heard. Facebook, Twitter, and so-called advice blogs (whether it be dating, Christian living, etc.) don't do a whole lot of favors either. But the thing is, everybody has different experiences, and you shouldn't have to automatically jump on the bandwagon because it's what has become the norm. Life becomes a lot less complicated when you stop focusing on what you "should" be doing and hone in on what you're comfortable doing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">2. <b>There is no stopping point when it comes to success. </b>When I told people that I was accepted into the creative writing program, the common response was the joy over my dreams coming true and that I "made it." While I'm not denying that getting into the program is a major feat and accomplishment for me, I wouldn't say that I'm "there" quite yet. There is still work to be done and a lot of room for growth, which comes from goal setting and discipline. That being said, I also want to give myself the time and energy to enjoy the process of whatever it is I'm working toward. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">3. <b>Hatred gets you nowhere.</b> I don't like to cut people completely out of my life; I prefer to put a good amount of distance between us and set firm boundaries, rather than openly declaring that the relationship is dead. I've had a few relationships this year where I have had to set those boundaries, but that doesn't mean that I've stopped caring about them. I don't necessarily believe that love necessarily has to die in order for one or more persons to free themselves from stress and dysfunction. I still deeply care about those people, but I have chosen to allow those relationships to take different shapes and not force it to be something that it's not. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">4. <b>Do what you can, and leave the rest to God.</b> This is not just something new that I realized in 2012, but in the past few years. Yes, we are most certainly in control of the choices that we make, but not so much in how other people respond to them. It takes too much energy and stress to try and mold something into exactly how you think it should be. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">5. <b>You don't have to be Miss Independent</b>. This is a huge (and crucial) one for me. It started in 2012 as a sort of baby-step process, and I want to become more comfortable with allowing other people to be there for me and take care of me in 2013. I want to remember that I have absolutely nothing to prove, at least not in the eyes of my friends and family. More so, I want to do so without the fear of having it thrown back in my face for one reason or another.</span>Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6436711049558945098.post-74671790012872637802012-12-06T11:15:00.000-08:002012-12-06T11:15:14.586-08:002012-12-06T11:15:14.586-08:00As The Rain Falls<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Day 6- It Happened For A Reason</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Describe one thing that happened this year that challenged you, against all odds. How did you cope?</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The month of March generally always gets me a little down, as does January. But March of 2012 was anything but kind; quite honestly, it was one of the worst periods of time that I have gone through this year. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It seemed like every week, there was always something knocking me down: after spring break, I found out a bit of news that made me afraid of losing someone very close to my heart. Shortly after that, my friendship with my then-roommate took a turn for the worst, and I struggled with trying to keep the peace and sticking up for what I felt was right. It all led up to one night where in a nutshell, I found myself in an incredibly scary predicament, and the experience would take time to recover from. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It was definitely not easy to hang on. I was crying all the time, either out of sheer anger/frustration or just being in pain.None of it made sense, and my coping mechanism in these kinds of situations was to try and pinpoint some reason for it, or mentally create a list of all the good things that could come from it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But let's be real here; that doesn't always work. Finding reasons may just lead to more questions, and constantly being positive often takes more strength than a person has the ability to muster. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In my morning routine, I try to begin the day by doing some kind of devotional. Every time I read through a devotional during those weeks, I felt as though each story/reading spoke to me in some kind of way relating to what I was going through. There were two Bible verses that stood out to me the most:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Trust in The Lord with all your heart, and <b>do not lean on your own understanding</b>. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>-Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord;<b> plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. </b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>-Jeremiah 29: 11</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I wrote those verses on post-it notes and put them up above my desk, so that I could see them in full view whenever I was in my bedroom. I wrote in my journal almost every single day, never sugarcoating my thoughts about how broken I felt. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Through that I learned a way to pray whenever I was upset; instead of asking why, I would simply ask God to give me peace in those moments. It wasn't always instantaneous, and there were days when I could not be automatically calmed down. But it gave me a clear enough perspective to put one foot in front of the other. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And that's exactly what I did, if only for the sake of my sanity. There were times when I nearly lost it and thought it was better to curl up in a corner until I could get the heck out of my then-apartment. But I knew I couldn't live like that; I had to keep walking, even if it meant getting drenched by the rain that seem to just pour down in my life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">That season was definitely a rough one, but a season nonetheless where I experienced tremendous growth, especially in a sense of faith and spirituality. And that discovery is definitely something that I want to share in a day or two, because it enabled me to look at Christianity in a different light. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am a survivor, for many reasons other than what I discussed above. I am a warrior and refuse to give up. But the one thing I must remember is that I can't get it through it by my own strength. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My Rock in faith.</span><br />
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<br />Alyxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16121073435801077900noreply@blogger.com0