Day 30-I'm OK
When did you know that things were going to be OK? Was there any particular moment?
Over the years, I have experienced a great many of highs and lows; some of those lows at the time seemed unfathomable, as though I couldn't imagine it ever happening. There were, and still are times where I asked myself "how the hell am I going to get through this? How I am going to endure this kind of pain without my heart breaking in half?"
I have learned to stop looking for signs in terms of whether or not something will work out. Granted, there have been instances where I have felt some sort of spiritual movement within my soul, as though God is telling me that I am not alone. However, most of the time I just keep going simply because I have to. It might involve gritting my teeth and forcing myself to keep going on with my life, even thought I may not want to. It's possible that I'll cry myself to sleep for a while. And even after the pain has dulled, I probably won't be able to completely forget it. Yet, I cannot wallow in the unchangeable; there is no greater loss or regret then when a person misses out on the present because they lived in the past.
That feeling of relief, that clarity is not always meant to happen right away. One has to allow themselves to feel first and opposed to trying to numb the pain. There are some negative events that took place in my life just a couple of years ago, and it has only been just recently where I've felt some sort of peace. Sometimes you don't even get that particular feeling; it might be just slowly getting used to a new kind of reality and realizing that your life isn't' completely over because of it.
I know that I will be all right because I am strong. I have wonderful people in my life that love me and are supportive of me in good times and in bad. And I am determined not to let the storms and obstacles keep me from having the kind of life that I want to have; successful and fulfilled.
December 30, 2011
December 29, 2011
Following Bliss
Day 29-Bliss
What are three things that make you feel the most blissed out? What can you do to invite more of that into your life in 2012?
Too often this year, I found myself trading bliss for mediocrity; I didn't ask for what I wanted or needed, fearing that it would cause unnecessary conflict. I feared being told "no" for whatever reason. I basically sat back and settled for a lot of things that I knew deep down didn't make me happy. In a way, it has become normal for most people to want to just survive instead of thriving.
Admittedly, I did sort of forget what makes me feel "blissed out" because I haven't been following very much of it lately. But thus far, the following things make me so incredibly slap-happy:
1. Spending time with friends and family-Sometimes it was coffee dates and sharing food in the middle of the dining hall with one other person. Sometimes it was cozy movie nights in, or fun nights out on the dance floor. But I've definitely realized how much I love being around other people and getting to know them. As for my family, I am in the process of beginning to understand a phrase that both my Mother and Grandmother have been reiterating to me since I was in high school: friends come and go, but your family will always be there for you. This past Christmas season has been especially wonderful because of that realization.
2. Taking a risk/doing something that absolutely scares the crap out of me- Former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you." No, the act of doing so isn't blissful. But the feeling that comes afterward; the immense swelling of pride, the increase in confidence, and the amount of fear that shrinks as I become more comfortable with it. It may not always turn out the way I want it to, but at least I'll know the outcome instead of having to wonder what might have happened.
3. Enjoying nature-Although it makes me sound like a bit of a hippy, I found that taking the time to appreciate our natural surroundings is what often brings me the most joy and happiness. When I am swimming in a body of water, whether it be the ocean or a lake, I incredibly alive because of my ability to move so easily. When I am looking out at a sunset or whatever beautiful sight before me, I remember to give thanks for what I have and for the small joys I tend to overlook in the hustle and bustle of life. It's good to have that kind of reflection time and remember what is really important.
While it's difficult to indefinitely include all of these things in the approaching year, I do believe it is possible if I really want to. It is more or less making time for it and making an actual point to do it. For example, in order to spend time with my friends, I would like to start having them over for dinner at least once a week. I want to find different activities that I can do with different people. That's going to involve some sort of planning and talking about what we're going to do and when we're going to do it.
The second one isn't particularly easy because a lot of it has to do with opportunity; if there's one thing I have learned, it's that if you see a window of opportunity, use it.
Never forget what brings you joy and what makes you feel alive. If you constantly forsake those things, you won't be living the life you could be.
What are three things that make you feel the most blissed out? What can you do to invite more of that into your life in 2012?
Too often this year, I found myself trading bliss for mediocrity; I didn't ask for what I wanted or needed, fearing that it would cause unnecessary conflict. I feared being told "no" for whatever reason. I basically sat back and settled for a lot of things that I knew deep down didn't make me happy. In a way, it has become normal for most people to want to just survive instead of thriving.
Admittedly, I did sort of forget what makes me feel "blissed out" because I haven't been following very much of it lately. But thus far, the following things make me so incredibly slap-happy:
1. Spending time with friends and family-Sometimes it was coffee dates and sharing food in the middle of the dining hall with one other person. Sometimes it was cozy movie nights in, or fun nights out on the dance floor. But I've definitely realized how much I love being around other people and getting to know them. As for my family, I am in the process of beginning to understand a phrase that both my Mother and Grandmother have been reiterating to me since I was in high school: friends come and go, but your family will always be there for you. This past Christmas season has been especially wonderful because of that realization.
2. Taking a risk/doing something that absolutely scares the crap out of me- Former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you." No, the act of doing so isn't blissful. But the feeling that comes afterward; the immense swelling of pride, the increase in confidence, and the amount of fear that shrinks as I become more comfortable with it. It may not always turn out the way I want it to, but at least I'll know the outcome instead of having to wonder what might have happened.
3. Enjoying nature-Although it makes me sound like a bit of a hippy, I found that taking the time to appreciate our natural surroundings is what often brings me the most joy and happiness. When I am swimming in a body of water, whether it be the ocean or a lake, I incredibly alive because of my ability to move so easily. When I am looking out at a sunset or whatever beautiful sight before me, I remember to give thanks for what I have and for the small joys I tend to overlook in the hustle and bustle of life. It's good to have that kind of reflection time and remember what is really important.
While it's difficult to indefinitely include all of these things in the approaching year, I do believe it is possible if I really want to. It is more or less making time for it and making an actual point to do it. For example, in order to spend time with my friends, I would like to start having them over for dinner at least once a week. I want to find different activities that I can do with different people. That's going to involve some sort of planning and talking about what we're going to do and when we're going to do it.
The second one isn't particularly easy because a lot of it has to do with opportunity; if there's one thing I have learned, it's that if you see a window of opportunity, use it.
Never forget what brings you joy and what makes you feel alive. If you constantly forsake those things, you won't be living the life you could be.
December 28, 2011
The Road Now Taken
Day 28-Wisdom
What was the wisest decision you made this year?
I had dug my heels in about the whole thing since my unsuccessful second attempt at it during my freshman year of high school. I didn't think it was right for me, and I didn't think it would do a whole lot of good. But once I hit a wall back in September, my Mother calmly suggested that I try it again. "I think you need this." She explained over a tearful phone call from my end. It turned out that she was right.
Two weeks later I was sitting down across from a therapist, trying not to let my stubborn demeanor get in the way of what I wanted to accomplish. Even though I've only been in counseling for three months, I'd say it was the best decision that I've made in 2011.
The main reason why I didn't want to go was because of the stigmas that often come with receiving that kind of help; that is, you have major issues and are obviously screwed up. Therefore, others must keep a lengthy distance from you, or avoid you altogether. That's why I didn't tell many of my friends right off the bat, or why some of them haven't heard about it from me personally.
Yes, those stigmas are still there. But I don't see myself as somebody that's screwed up; frankly, the ones with the issues are those that are willing to sit around and wallow in their own crap and keep making the same mistakes on a regular basis. My biggest problem, in general was that I was running around in circles and always wound up back in the same spot.
Thus far, it has been a refreshing, yet difficult journey. At first, my whole thought process was "how long is this going to take?" I didn't want to spend the next two and a half years missing out on so many things because I was so focused on getting myself together. But your life doesn't have to stop just because your dealing with a crisis. And you can't give yourself a time limit with this kind of stuff; true healing won't happen if you do.
I won't specifically talk about what has taken place in those sessions, simply because I'm not comfortable with sharing those details right now. A lot of it has had to do with my family. A lot of it has to do with friendships that I've been burned by over the years. I've had to come to terms with certain realities. But most of all, it has had to do with breaking this godforsaken cycle that I've been in since I was ten years old (almost a decade, if I really think about it).
I have felt like I have made quite a bit of progress thus far, but I still have a ways to go. I am hoping to get into group counseling this coming semester as opposed to just individual counseling. While I know that I'm not the only one having to go through this process, I think it would be helpful to actually believe it.
Making the decision to get professional help is almost never an easy one, but often turns out to be a wonderful one if gone about it the right way. For starters, you have to find somebody that will meet your needs; don't just stick with the first person you're given if you're not comfortable. And granted, not everyone is a writer, but journaling before each session and after each session has been a great tool in discussing what I felt I needed to discuss, and allowing what I learned to actually stick. Truthfully, a lot of what I have gained has stemmed from my own conclusions as opposed to just being told what I need to do.
I don't plan on seeking counseling for the rest of my life, because I don't think it's healthy. From where I'm standing at the moment, I can't speculate how long it will take. Regardless, I am grateful for the prayers, encouragement and support that I've received. I don't think I would be where I am right now if I was walking alone in this.
Which is only proof that we're never meant to do anything alone. And if you let allow people to support you and be there for you, you never have to.
What was the wisest decision you made this year?
I had dug my heels in about the whole thing since my unsuccessful second attempt at it during my freshman year of high school. I didn't think it was right for me, and I didn't think it would do a whole lot of good. But once I hit a wall back in September, my Mother calmly suggested that I try it again. "I think you need this." She explained over a tearful phone call from my end. It turned out that she was right.
Two weeks later I was sitting down across from a therapist, trying not to let my stubborn demeanor get in the way of what I wanted to accomplish. Even though I've only been in counseling for three months, I'd say it was the best decision that I've made in 2011.
The main reason why I didn't want to go was because of the stigmas that often come with receiving that kind of help; that is, you have major issues and are obviously screwed up. Therefore, others must keep a lengthy distance from you, or avoid you altogether. That's why I didn't tell many of my friends right off the bat, or why some of them haven't heard about it from me personally.
Yes, those stigmas are still there. But I don't see myself as somebody that's screwed up; frankly, the ones with the issues are those that are willing to sit around and wallow in their own crap and keep making the same mistakes on a regular basis. My biggest problem, in general was that I was running around in circles and always wound up back in the same spot.
Thus far, it has been a refreshing, yet difficult journey. At first, my whole thought process was "how long is this going to take?" I didn't want to spend the next two and a half years missing out on so many things because I was so focused on getting myself together. But your life doesn't have to stop just because your dealing with a crisis. And you can't give yourself a time limit with this kind of stuff; true healing won't happen if you do.
I won't specifically talk about what has taken place in those sessions, simply because I'm not comfortable with sharing those details right now. A lot of it has had to do with my family. A lot of it has to do with friendships that I've been burned by over the years. I've had to come to terms with certain realities. But most of all, it has had to do with breaking this godforsaken cycle that I've been in since I was ten years old (almost a decade, if I really think about it).
I have felt like I have made quite a bit of progress thus far, but I still have a ways to go. I am hoping to get into group counseling this coming semester as opposed to just individual counseling. While I know that I'm not the only one having to go through this process, I think it would be helpful to actually believe it.
Making the decision to get professional help is almost never an easy one, but often turns out to be a wonderful one if gone about it the right way. For starters, you have to find somebody that will meet your needs; don't just stick with the first person you're given if you're not comfortable. And granted, not everyone is a writer, but journaling before each session and after each session has been a great tool in discussing what I felt I needed to discuss, and allowing what I learned to actually stick. Truthfully, a lot of what I have gained has stemmed from my own conclusions as opposed to just being told what I need to do.
I don't plan on seeking counseling for the rest of my life, because I don't think it's healthy. From where I'm standing at the moment, I can't speculate how long it will take. Regardless, I am grateful for the prayers, encouragement and support that I've received. I don't think I would be where I am right now if I was walking alone in this.
Which is only proof that we're never meant to do anything alone. And if you let allow people to support you and be there for you, you never have to.
December 27, 2011
Genuinely Changing
I know I skipped a couple of days; truthfully, it was good to have the break. I will just start from today and continue on to day thirty one.
Day 27-Transitions
Over the past year, have you experienced any major/minor life transitions? How has your life changed?
I initially felt it for the first time as my brother was preparing to leave for the Air Force back in July; I didn't know how it would happen or when, but my instincts kept telling me that life wasn't going to be the same, particularly with my family. When I first thought about it, it terrified me to the point where I was literally crying every day. I even cried for two weeks straight after he departed for basic training. This gut instinct was driving me crazy because I didn't know what it was leading to.
Looking back, I now see that it was more of an internal change- a change in myself as both a person and a woman. Granted, it's not a turn-your-world upside down kind of change. However, I believe it to be the beginning of something bigger.
It's a little weird to think of myself as a grown up, an adult, a woman. Although I'm only on the brink of my twenties and still in college, I look at it that way because of how I have grown and matured on an emotional level. I feel stronger. I feel more calm and at ease. I'm able to look life in the eye and mold whatever curve ball it hands me into something wonderful, regardless if it's positive or negative.
The best part is that I'm beginning to let go of a lot of things that have frequently made me my own worst critic and enemy. I am breaking out of unhealthy patterns that have kept me going in circles for the last five or six years. It is a freedom I have only felt very briefly once before, but this time I intend for it to continue.
I realize that I am being extremely vague here. I might have discussed this in previous blog posts, when I first experienced those feelings. The thing is, I don't want to simply tell everyone what's happening; I want them to see it.
The biggest lesson I can take out of this is that change doesn't just happen;you have to work at it each and every day. You have to hold yourself accountable for those changes. And it's always good to have some type of support system that is rooting for you every step of the way.
Regardless of where it may lead, I'm excited for the future and the opportunities that it will bring.
Day 27-Transitions
Over the past year, have you experienced any major/minor life transitions? How has your life changed?
I initially felt it for the first time as my brother was preparing to leave for the Air Force back in July; I didn't know how it would happen or when, but my instincts kept telling me that life wasn't going to be the same, particularly with my family. When I first thought about it, it terrified me to the point where I was literally crying every day. I even cried for two weeks straight after he departed for basic training. This gut instinct was driving me crazy because I didn't know what it was leading to.
Looking back, I now see that it was more of an internal change- a change in myself as both a person and a woman. Granted, it's not a turn-your-world upside down kind of change. However, I believe it to be the beginning of something bigger.
It's a little weird to think of myself as a grown up, an adult, a woman. Although I'm only on the brink of my twenties and still in college, I look at it that way because of how I have grown and matured on an emotional level. I feel stronger. I feel more calm and at ease. I'm able to look life in the eye and mold whatever curve ball it hands me into something wonderful, regardless if it's positive or negative.
The best part is that I'm beginning to let go of a lot of things that have frequently made me my own worst critic and enemy. I am breaking out of unhealthy patterns that have kept me going in circles for the last five or six years. It is a freedom I have only felt very briefly once before, but this time I intend for it to continue.
I realize that I am being extremely vague here. I might have discussed this in previous blog posts, when I first experienced those feelings. The thing is, I don't want to simply tell everyone what's happening; I want them to see it.
The biggest lesson I can take out of this is that change doesn't just happen;you have to work at it each and every day. You have to hold yourself accountable for those changes. And it's always good to have some type of support system that is rooting for you every step of the way.
Regardless of where it may lead, I'm excited for the future and the opportunities that it will bring.
December 24, 2011
A Different View
Day 24-Family
Recall a special moment with your family from 2011. Describe in detail about what you want to remember about this memory forever.
There were so many special moments, where I could easily write multiple posts about how just important they were to me. But none have ever felt more poignant then the moments I had with my parents.
A lot of them involved the simplicity of being able to sit down and talk, even though the topics were often difficult to discuss. For most of my life I have struggled with relating to my parents, and this was especially true in my early teenage years. I always hated when either of them said "I know how you feel" or "I've been there." At the time, I always viewed the gravity of any situation I was in being a hell of a lot bigger due to the physical limitations that I had to conquer. Add the fact that I was super emotional, so most attempts at having a heart to heart usually went south.
But I feel like in 2011, there has definitely been a turning point. For the first time in my life, I've been able to see them not just as parents, but as people. They're people who have feelings, struggles, and their own needs. That's not to say that I never knew that, but I hardly paid attention to it growing up.
It was also for the first time that I actually let them in on what was going on in my life. It was especially difficult for me to do beforehand because I didn't want to be a burden in the midst of our financial hardships. I didn't believe that they would understand what I was going through, despite there being more truth to that then I've realized. But perhaps the biggest reason was the same reason I have often struggled with letting anyone else in; I wanted to prove that I could achieve the goals that I had set and do what everyone else thought to be impossible.
While I was away at school, I would frequently call them up and talk to them about my roommate, classes, and so on. I don't know how I would have been able to get through these last three months if I hadn't been able to be honest with them. Sometimes it was a matter of "I am so stressed out and I have no clue what the hell I'm doing!" type of conversation. I guess Mom's and Dad's have a way of doing such, but for whatever reason they always knew how to calm me down. It was a little less stressful knowing that I had their love and support, as opposed to constantly trying to come up with a way to sugarcoat everything.
I think that all of this is because I am no longer a child, realistically. Our relationship less parent to child and more of adult to adult. They've both been to college, so they both understand the obstacles that come with that particular experience; my Mother especially has been in my shoes, being that I am at her alma matter. Whatever I happen to go through down the road, they will most likely know a lot about that too.
I wish I could do more for them, other then helping around the house and holding down the fort when needed. They have both sacrificed so much so that each of us kids can get to where we currently are, and eventually get to where we want to be. My hope is that in 2012, they can find joy in doing things for themselves and not only for mine and my siblings benefit
I always try to tell them how incredibly blessed and grateful I am to have them. Sometimes I don't always demonstrate it to the best of my ability; nevertheless, I hope they know.
Recall a special moment with your family from 2011. Describe in detail about what you want to remember about this memory forever.
There were so many special moments, where I could easily write multiple posts about how just important they were to me. But none have ever felt more poignant then the moments I had with my parents.
A lot of them involved the simplicity of being able to sit down and talk, even though the topics were often difficult to discuss. For most of my life I have struggled with relating to my parents, and this was especially true in my early teenage years. I always hated when either of them said "I know how you feel" or "I've been there." At the time, I always viewed the gravity of any situation I was in being a hell of a lot bigger due to the physical limitations that I had to conquer. Add the fact that I was super emotional, so most attempts at having a heart to heart usually went south.
But I feel like in 2011, there has definitely been a turning point. For the first time in my life, I've been able to see them not just as parents, but as people. They're people who have feelings, struggles, and their own needs. That's not to say that I never knew that, but I hardly paid attention to it growing up.
It was also for the first time that I actually let them in on what was going on in my life. It was especially difficult for me to do beforehand because I didn't want to be a burden in the midst of our financial hardships. I didn't believe that they would understand what I was going through, despite there being more truth to that then I've realized. But perhaps the biggest reason was the same reason I have often struggled with letting anyone else in; I wanted to prove that I could achieve the goals that I had set and do what everyone else thought to be impossible.
While I was away at school, I would frequently call them up and talk to them about my roommate, classes, and so on. I don't know how I would have been able to get through these last three months if I hadn't been able to be honest with them. Sometimes it was a matter of "I am so stressed out and I have no clue what the hell I'm doing!" type of conversation. I guess Mom's and Dad's have a way of doing such, but for whatever reason they always knew how to calm me down. It was a little less stressful knowing that I had their love and support, as opposed to constantly trying to come up with a way to sugarcoat everything.
I think that all of this is because I am no longer a child, realistically. Our relationship less parent to child and more of adult to adult. They've both been to college, so they both understand the obstacles that come with that particular experience; my Mother especially has been in my shoes, being that I am at her alma matter. Whatever I happen to go through down the road, they will most likely know a lot about that too.
I wish I could do more for them, other then helping around the house and holding down the fort when needed. They have both sacrificed so much so that each of us kids can get to where we currently are, and eventually get to where we want to be. My hope is that in 2012, they can find joy in doing things for themselves and not only for mine and my siblings benefit
I always try to tell them how incredibly blessed and grateful I am to have them. Sometimes I don't always demonstrate it to the best of my ability; nevertheless, I hope they know.
December 23, 2011
Here I Am
Day 23-Safe
Where do you feel the most safe, the most free to be yourself- where do you let your guard down?
For the past four and a half years, the word "safe" has been something that has been rarely used to describe how I feel. Throughout the last few years, letting my guard down has sort of been like turning a light switch on and off; mostly because the places and people that I considered to be a safe haven were always changing; this was especially true when I was sixteen. The summer before my junior year of high school, one of my closest friends walk out of my life, and so far hasn't really come back. My freshman year of college, I got to know a lot of people and felt like I had found a place with them, but that notion eventually went out the window. My family relationships have always been a bit shaky, at least up until now.
So it's not that I've ever had that kind of experience, because I have. It's just that while I've always had a warm, cozy place to find comfort in, I somehow always end up out right back out in the cold.
And I suppose that might be my fault, in a way. I've come to realize that I have a tendency to get comfortable with people in a short amount of time. It's not in my nature to build up walls and wait for them to be broken down. Perhaps I take the phrase "I'll be there for you" too easily to heart. On top of that, I'm already sensitive about somebody telling me that they're going to do something, and then not following through with it.
I don't mean to wallow or complain. It has been a very tough year, emotionally, and it has made me really look at who I choose to be friends with and who I choose to invest in.
I will say that there are definitely some wonderful people in my life right now; people that I feel safe and comfortable with. However, it has (and still is) taken time for me to genuinely open myself to those people. This may sound weird coming from me, because normally I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind. But, being vulnerable does scare the crap out of me sometimes. There's just no way of knowing how anybody will react when you tell them something, whether it be about your past or current.
I've learned that in order to let my guard down around someone, that following things need to be there: 1. There needs to be humor; I tell you, there is nothing more awkward when you can't laugh either with or at whomever you're with. I have a lot of quirks, and sometimes one just has to take that with a grain of salt. 2. There needs to be comfortable silence, that element of being able to simply enjoy spending time with someone and not having to necessarily talk the whole time. 3. Know how to listen.
I've said this before, but I don't think it's about if you should be real with people; it's how you go about doing it. You don't need to tell your life story to someone right when you meet them, and you definitely don't have to limit it to one conversation. There are details that I've kept from certain people because I'm either waiting for them to ask, or I'm waiting for the right time to talk about it. Forming genuine friendships takes a lot of time and patience, and there's no rush to get to a particular point.
As much as we'd all like to keep ourselves from getting hurt, I don't think that there's any special way to do it. From my experiences, the key thing is to simply trust your instincts. I've gotten pretty good at sizing people up (not judging, but rather picking up on traits and characteristics about a person), and I normally have a good idea of whether or not to trust them.
In the midst of the possible risks and the fear that comes with them, I've found that there is no greater feeling then knowing someone and being able to understand them, as well as the other way around. Despite my personal history, I understand that it's not worth robbing myself of the chance to have close friendships, simply because they might leave at some point in the future.
Stuff happens, and instead of trying to figure out why, maybe it's best to cherish what's right in front of you while you have it.
Where do you feel the most safe, the most free to be yourself- where do you let your guard down?
For the past four and a half years, the word "safe" has been something that has been rarely used to describe how I feel. Throughout the last few years, letting my guard down has sort of been like turning a light switch on and off; mostly because the places and people that I considered to be a safe haven were always changing; this was especially true when I was sixteen. The summer before my junior year of high school, one of my closest friends walk out of my life, and so far hasn't really come back. My freshman year of college, I got to know a lot of people and felt like I had found a place with them, but that notion eventually went out the window. My family relationships have always been a bit shaky, at least up until now.
So it's not that I've ever had that kind of experience, because I have. It's just that while I've always had a warm, cozy place to find comfort in, I somehow always end up out right back out in the cold.
And I suppose that might be my fault, in a way. I've come to realize that I have a tendency to get comfortable with people in a short amount of time. It's not in my nature to build up walls and wait for them to be broken down. Perhaps I take the phrase "I'll be there for you" too easily to heart. On top of that, I'm already sensitive about somebody telling me that they're going to do something, and then not following through with it.
I don't mean to wallow or complain. It has been a very tough year, emotionally, and it has made me really look at who I choose to be friends with and who I choose to invest in.
I will say that there are definitely some wonderful people in my life right now; people that I feel safe and comfortable with. However, it has (and still is) taken time for me to genuinely open myself to those people. This may sound weird coming from me, because normally I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind. But, being vulnerable does scare the crap out of me sometimes. There's just no way of knowing how anybody will react when you tell them something, whether it be about your past or current.
I've learned that in order to let my guard down around someone, that following things need to be there: 1. There needs to be humor; I tell you, there is nothing more awkward when you can't laugh either with or at whomever you're with. I have a lot of quirks, and sometimes one just has to take that with a grain of salt. 2. There needs to be comfortable silence, that element of being able to simply enjoy spending time with someone and not having to necessarily talk the whole time. 3. Know how to listen.
I've said this before, but I don't think it's about if you should be real with people; it's how you go about doing it. You don't need to tell your life story to someone right when you meet them, and you definitely don't have to limit it to one conversation. There are details that I've kept from certain people because I'm either waiting for them to ask, or I'm waiting for the right time to talk about it. Forming genuine friendships takes a lot of time and patience, and there's no rush to get to a particular point.
As much as we'd all like to keep ourselves from getting hurt, I don't think that there's any special way to do it. From my experiences, the key thing is to simply trust your instincts. I've gotten pretty good at sizing people up (not judging, but rather picking up on traits and characteristics about a person), and I normally have a good idea of whether or not to trust them.
In the midst of the possible risks and the fear that comes with them, I've found that there is no greater feeling then knowing someone and being able to understand them, as well as the other way around. Despite my personal history, I understand that it's not worth robbing myself of the chance to have close friendships, simply because they might leave at some point in the future.
Stuff happens, and instead of trying to figure out why, maybe it's best to cherish what's right in front of you while you have it.
December 22, 2011
Embracing The Age
Day 22-Age
How did you look at aging in 2011? How are you looking ahead to 2012 and the age you're going to be?
If there was one word I could use to describe how I viewed being nineteen, it would be comfortable. 2011 was the first year where I felt like I could genuinely appreciate my age; I wasn't (and still am not) in a rush to get to a particular age, as I have been in the past.
From the time I was ten and up until now, I always wanted to be older. It wasn't only because I wanted to dress a certain way or do certain things, but rather because I always felt like I had the mindset of somebody other than my age (for example, when I was thirteen I wanted to be sixteen, sixteen I wanted to be eighteen, and so on). I don't think it had a whole lot to do with my maturity level as much as it had to do with my perspective on life. That's why I've always tended to gravitate toward people a year or two ahead of me. I wanted to be around those who not only could accept me, but could identify with that perspective.
Since I'll soon be entering my twenties, it's slowly hitting me that there's a lot of stuff that's not that big of a deal anymore. It's fine to have friends that are a couple of years (or more) that are older. It's fine to want a real, loving relationship instead of something that's superficial. And it's normal to have deep conversations and express deep thoughts; most people in their twenties should be mature enough not to get turned off by that.
But as for the aging process? Well, I don't know how I should be feeling about it, simply because I'm not there yet. I'm not dreading it, nor am I excited about it. I did ask my Mother once about when I should start using anti-aging cream, but I can't remember her answer. It was more or less to just keep using moisturizer and then consider anti-aging stuff after I hit thirty.
However, I have learned that one of the key tips to aging gracefully is to start practicing healthy habits when you're young. I'm thankful that my generation is more informed on things such as exercise, eating right, tanning, and plastic surgery. It's important to understand the risks of sacrificing your health for the sake of wanting to turn heads (or to keep on doing so).
I'll never forget an amazing piece of advice that I picked up while watching a segment on aging during Oprah's Lifeclass a couple of months ago. I can't quote it verbatim, but it went along the lines of how it's often vital to try and find something to be known or recognized for, aside from physical beauty. As much as we think we can prolong it through cosmetic procedures, it doesn't always work that way. When you choose to base your existence around something other than looks, the concept of getting older becomes less of a pitfall.
Right now, I'm just doing what I can not to stress or become overly concerned about it. Hopefully when it does happen, I will have truly learned how to embrace it and not run from it.
How did you look at aging in 2011? How are you looking ahead to 2012 and the age you're going to be?
If there was one word I could use to describe how I viewed being nineteen, it would be comfortable. 2011 was the first year where I felt like I could genuinely appreciate my age; I wasn't (and still am not) in a rush to get to a particular age, as I have been in the past.
From the time I was ten and up until now, I always wanted to be older. It wasn't only because I wanted to dress a certain way or do certain things, but rather because I always felt like I had the mindset of somebody other than my age (for example, when I was thirteen I wanted to be sixteen, sixteen I wanted to be eighteen, and so on). I don't think it had a whole lot to do with my maturity level as much as it had to do with my perspective on life. That's why I've always tended to gravitate toward people a year or two ahead of me. I wanted to be around those who not only could accept me, but could identify with that perspective.
Since I'll soon be entering my twenties, it's slowly hitting me that there's a lot of stuff that's not that big of a deal anymore. It's fine to have friends that are a couple of years (or more) that are older. It's fine to want a real, loving relationship instead of something that's superficial. And it's normal to have deep conversations and express deep thoughts; most people in their twenties should be mature enough not to get turned off by that.
But as for the aging process? Well, I don't know how I should be feeling about it, simply because I'm not there yet. I'm not dreading it, nor am I excited about it. I did ask my Mother once about when I should start using anti-aging cream, but I can't remember her answer. It was more or less to just keep using moisturizer and then consider anti-aging stuff after I hit thirty.
However, I have learned that one of the key tips to aging gracefully is to start practicing healthy habits when you're young. I'm thankful that my generation is more informed on things such as exercise, eating right, tanning, and plastic surgery. It's important to understand the risks of sacrificing your health for the sake of wanting to turn heads (or to keep on doing so).
I'll never forget an amazing piece of advice that I picked up while watching a segment on aging during Oprah's Lifeclass a couple of months ago. I can't quote it verbatim, but it went along the lines of how it's often vital to try and find something to be known or recognized for, aside from physical beauty. As much as we think we can prolong it through cosmetic procedures, it doesn't always work that way. When you choose to base your existence around something other than looks, the concept of getting older becomes less of a pitfall.
Right now, I'm just doing what I can not to stress or become overly concerned about it. Hopefully when it does happen, I will have truly learned how to embrace it and not run from it.
December 21, 2011
My Version of The Best (And Worst) Of 2011
Day 21-Pop Culture
I thought I would take a little break from the heavy-duty topics and focus on something a little bit more fun. This is just my personal view on the music, movies/TV, and books that came out during 2011.
Music
I hate to say this, but it seems like a lot of popular music these days tends to get repetitive year after year. The beats and the lyrics are different, but the underlining message is the same. That doesn't mean that it isn't a good song, but I feel as though originality is slowing fading into the background. It's the reason many artists tend to be "good" but not necessarily timeless.
Some of these aren't only just from this year; I can't remember when exactly a lot of them came out, but I know that the majority of them are from 2010-2011.
I absolutely LOVED....
Good Feeling-Flo Rida
Teenage Dream-Katy Perry
Long Hot Summer-Keith Urban
Without You-David Guetta ft. Usher (or anything by Usher, for that matter)
Memories-Kid Cudi
Just A Kiss-Lady Antebellum
S&M-Rhianna
Tonight, Tonight-Hot Chelle Rey
Till The World Ends-Britney Spears
Country Girl (Shake it For Me)-Luke Bryan
Dirt Road Anthem-Jason Aldean
Headlines-Drake
Love After War-Robin Thicke; I think he's just really under-appreciated as an artist.
I wanted to hate, but it eventually grew on me....
Super Bass-Nicki Minaj
Mike Posner-I saw him in a concert that he put on for my school at the beginning of the year, and I haven't been able to get him out of my head since.
Give Me Everything-Ne-yo and Pitbull; I don't really like the overall message of the song, but it's catchy
I'm kind of done with....
LMFAO
Taylor Swift-Don't get me wrong, it's not that I hate her; I'm just not crazy about a lot of her music because it sounds so high school. Every time I hear a song of her I wonder "now what boy might this one be about?" It's like how Kelly Clarkson tends to write about how much relationships suck- can you change the subject every once in awhile?
Lady Gaga-She has an amazing voice, but I really don't understand a lot of her songs these days. Lately, I find myself missing "Poker Face"
Jason Derulo
Movies/TV
Really enjoyed....
Thor-I would take Chris Hemsworth over his older brother any day
Bridesmaids
The Fighter
Soul Surfer-not your typical cheesy Christian movie, thankfully; I bawled my eyes out for most of it
Friends With Benefits
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Didn't care for.....
The Green Lantern
Larry Crowne
No Strings Attached
The Hangover II
And as far as TV goes....
I don't usually have all that much time for TV at school, but my must sit down for would be "Once Upon A Time." Granted, it hasn't been picked up for a full season yet so I probably shouldn't get completely hooked right now, but so far I'm loving it. I really want to find myself a sitcom, if anyone has any recommendations.
I'm sorry, but I think the Kardashians are way past their heyday. I loved them at first, but then after Kim's rush to the alter and only being married for seventy-two days, I lost a lot of respect for them. You'd think once they all started getting married, they would have the brains to turn the cameras off. I don't think they would have any problems staying famous, if they ran their businesses in the right way. I could go on...
Just get rid of Teen Mom already. One season is enough.
Books
I can't remember who the author was, but I really enjoyed the biography about William and Kate. It was refreshing to read what seems like a genuine love story, especially in the midst of all these other couples breaking up. And I did get up at three o'clock in the morning to watch the wedding, thank you very much.
"Safe Haven" by Nicholas Sparks was also a page-turner. I don't understand why so many people consider him a disgrace to literature, other then maybe because most of his novels after "The Notebook" haven't been able to stack up. But I honestly couldn't put the last one down!
I can't say there was a book that I hated, but I didn't care much for "Devil In The White City." It looked like a great story, but there were so many details and I wasn't sure what to focus on exactly. It got to the point where I had to stop reading it because it was giving me a headache.
I still want to get my hands on Rob Lowe's autobiography, as well as Tina Fey's. I think I make more lists of books that I want to read as opposed to actually reading them.
Well, there you have it. While you may or may not agree with my opinions, it was an interesting year. Hopefully by next year "reality" will stop taking over, Hollywood might become classy again, and for crying out loud, I want Justin Timberlake to start bringing sexy back again! He's a decent actor, but he needs to start making music.
I thought I would take a little break from the heavy-duty topics and focus on something a little bit more fun. This is just my personal view on the music, movies/TV, and books that came out during 2011.
Music
I hate to say this, but it seems like a lot of popular music these days tends to get repetitive year after year. The beats and the lyrics are different, but the underlining message is the same. That doesn't mean that it isn't a good song, but I feel as though originality is slowing fading into the background. It's the reason many artists tend to be "good" but not necessarily timeless.
Some of these aren't only just from this year; I can't remember when exactly a lot of them came out, but I know that the majority of them are from 2010-2011.
I absolutely LOVED....
Good Feeling-Flo Rida
Teenage Dream-Katy Perry
Long Hot Summer-Keith Urban
Without You-David Guetta ft. Usher (or anything by Usher, for that matter)
Memories-Kid Cudi
Just A Kiss-Lady Antebellum
S&M-Rhianna
Tonight, Tonight-Hot Chelle Rey
Till The World Ends-Britney Spears
Country Girl (Shake it For Me)-Luke Bryan
Dirt Road Anthem-Jason Aldean
Headlines-Drake
Love After War-Robin Thicke; I think he's just really under-appreciated as an artist.
I wanted to hate, but it eventually grew on me....
Super Bass-Nicki Minaj
Mike Posner-I saw him in a concert that he put on for my school at the beginning of the year, and I haven't been able to get him out of my head since.
Give Me Everything-Ne-yo and Pitbull; I don't really like the overall message of the song, but it's catchy
I'm kind of done with....
LMFAO
Taylor Swift-Don't get me wrong, it's not that I hate her; I'm just not crazy about a lot of her music because it sounds so high school. Every time I hear a song of her I wonder "now what boy might this one be about?" It's like how Kelly Clarkson tends to write about how much relationships suck- can you change the subject every once in awhile?
Lady Gaga-She has an amazing voice, but I really don't understand a lot of her songs these days. Lately, I find myself missing "Poker Face"
Jason Derulo
Movies/TV
Really enjoyed....
Thor-I would take Chris Hemsworth over his older brother any day
Bridesmaids
The Fighter
Soul Surfer-not your typical cheesy Christian movie, thankfully; I bawled my eyes out for most of it
Friends With Benefits
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Didn't care for.....
The Green Lantern
Larry Crowne
No Strings Attached
The Hangover II
And as far as TV goes....
I don't usually have all that much time for TV at school, but my must sit down for would be "Once Upon A Time." Granted, it hasn't been picked up for a full season yet so I probably shouldn't get completely hooked right now, but so far I'm loving it. I really want to find myself a sitcom, if anyone has any recommendations.
I'm sorry, but I think the Kardashians are way past their heyday. I loved them at first, but then after Kim's rush to the alter and only being married for seventy-two days, I lost a lot of respect for them. You'd think once they all started getting married, they would have the brains to turn the cameras off. I don't think they would have any problems staying famous, if they ran their businesses in the right way. I could go on...
Just get rid of Teen Mom already. One season is enough.
Books
I can't remember who the author was, but I really enjoyed the biography about William and Kate. It was refreshing to read what seems like a genuine love story, especially in the midst of all these other couples breaking up. And I did get up at three o'clock in the morning to watch the wedding, thank you very much.
"Safe Haven" by Nicholas Sparks was also a page-turner. I don't understand why so many people consider him a disgrace to literature, other then maybe because most of his novels after "The Notebook" haven't been able to stack up. But I honestly couldn't put the last one down!
I can't say there was a book that I hated, but I didn't care much for "Devil In The White City." It looked like a great story, but there were so many details and I wasn't sure what to focus on exactly. It got to the point where I had to stop reading it because it was giving me a headache.
I still want to get my hands on Rob Lowe's autobiography, as well as Tina Fey's. I think I make more lists of books that I want to read as opposed to actually reading them.
Well, there you have it. While you may or may not agree with my opinions, it was an interesting year. Hopefully by next year "reality" will stop taking over, Hollywood might become classy again, and for crying out loud, I want Justin Timberlake to start bringing sexy back again! He's a decent actor, but he needs to start making music.
December 20, 2011
Great Risk, Great Reward
Day 20-Risk
What was the greatest risk that you have taken this year? Were the results (good or bad) what you expected?
I took a lot of risks in the last twelve months or so. I had a few wild nights, made friends with people that I was beyond intimidated by at first, and moved into an apartment when a lot of people warned me that it wasn't the best idea.
However, the biggest chance I probably took was a rather simple one; I was honest, as well as vulnerable. I had quite a few difficult conversations with my parents about my feelings toward certain incidents that had taken place over the years, as well as what was really going on between my roommate and I. During my counseling sessions, I had think back to a lot of memories that I had all but forgotten, and explain how I genuinely felt about them (mostly pissed off, hurt, and even a little traumatized). I wrote and shared blog posts that were often raw as well as deep. And through it all, I opened up to my friends about what was going on, either verbally or in writing.
Realistically, I didn't have a whole lot to lose; if nothing else, it was my pride. But I was still very much afraid, mostly of how my friends would look at me or treat me afterward. I didn't want to be that girl that was screwed up and couldn't get herself together. I didn't want to appear needy or make it seem that I was using anyone. And I didn't want to push them away due to intimidation or not knowing what to say.
But when I chose to be open, it was very much a relief. As I said previously, I could focus my energy on moving forward and working through my problems, rather than pretending to be strong and happy all the time. I found peace in the fact that others were aware of my situation and were as supportive as they could be.
The results from such admissions aren't only just releasing my burdens or the deepening of relationships. I have gained a mountain of confidence and emotional strength; trust me when I say that the more you do something, the more comfortable you become with it.
From where I'm standing, I feel like I have made a lot of progress. And you know what? I'm pretty proud of myself for it.
The question to be asked is whether or not you should be vulnerable, but why. If you do it first and foremost for yourself, then why give a second thought to what other people might think? I'd like to believe that I can somehow control another person's reaction by either waiting a little while or phrasing it a certain way. Regardless, there's no guarantee. As hard as it is to accept, not everyone will "get it" or choose to be there for you. It sucks, but at least you know who's worth having in your life and who isn't.
The funny thing is, vulnerability is something that each and every one of us is afraid of. Nonetheless, it's a risk I'm willing to take, because it's just a part of my nature. If people feel put off or at odds by it, then tough luck. I don't like lying, and I definitely don't like hiding.
When you take a risk, you may end up with more or less than you bargained for. But when you don't, more than likely you'll end up with useless questions and unfulfilled dreams that might not get another opportunity to come true.
What was the greatest risk that you have taken this year? Were the results (good or bad) what you expected?
I took a lot of risks in the last twelve months or so. I had a few wild nights, made friends with people that I was beyond intimidated by at first, and moved into an apartment when a lot of people warned me that it wasn't the best idea.
However, the biggest chance I probably took was a rather simple one; I was honest, as well as vulnerable. I had quite a few difficult conversations with my parents about my feelings toward certain incidents that had taken place over the years, as well as what was really going on between my roommate and I. During my counseling sessions, I had think back to a lot of memories that I had all but forgotten, and explain how I genuinely felt about them (mostly pissed off, hurt, and even a little traumatized). I wrote and shared blog posts that were often raw as well as deep. And through it all, I opened up to my friends about what was going on, either verbally or in writing.
Realistically, I didn't have a whole lot to lose; if nothing else, it was my pride. But I was still very much afraid, mostly of how my friends would look at me or treat me afterward. I didn't want to be that girl that was screwed up and couldn't get herself together. I didn't want to appear needy or make it seem that I was using anyone. And I didn't want to push them away due to intimidation or not knowing what to say.
But when I chose to be open, it was very much a relief. As I said previously, I could focus my energy on moving forward and working through my problems, rather than pretending to be strong and happy all the time. I found peace in the fact that others were aware of my situation and were as supportive as they could be.
The results from such admissions aren't only just releasing my burdens or the deepening of relationships. I have gained a mountain of confidence and emotional strength; trust me when I say that the more you do something, the more comfortable you become with it.
From where I'm standing, I feel like I have made a lot of progress. And you know what? I'm pretty proud of myself for it.
The question to be asked is whether or not you should be vulnerable, but why. If you do it first and foremost for yourself, then why give a second thought to what other people might think? I'd like to believe that I can somehow control another person's reaction by either waiting a little while or phrasing it a certain way. Regardless, there's no guarantee. As hard as it is to accept, not everyone will "get it" or choose to be there for you. It sucks, but at least you know who's worth having in your life and who isn't.
The funny thing is, vulnerability is something that each and every one of us is afraid of. Nonetheless, it's a risk I'm willing to take, because it's just a part of my nature. If people feel put off or at odds by it, then tough luck. I don't like lying, and I definitely don't like hiding.
When you take a risk, you may end up with more or less than you bargained for. But when you don't, more than likely you'll end up with useless questions and unfulfilled dreams that might not get another opportunity to come true.
December 19, 2011
My Place Of Peace
Day 19-Community
Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2011? What community would you like to join, or connect with more deeply in 2012?
Community was something that I frequently craved throughout the past year. In the beginning, I believed that I had found it through my dorm floor, due to the fact that we were all writing majors of some kind. And while it helped bring a lot of us together initially, it seems like all too often we focused on our personal differences other then honing our craft.
For a short time (and I mean really short) I longed to join a sorority; I wanted the sisterhood aspect, the nearly full social calender, and the overall perks that come with being part of that kind of organization. I didn't even make it past the first round during informal because my GPA wasn't of the minimum requirements. Thus, I could not do formal for the second time around either. Down the road, I understood that it just wouldn't have been a good fit for me, personally.
It turns out that the best place for me to find community was the last place that I expected it to be: a community of faith. It started with a Bible study in a dorm room on the other side of campus and as of right now, has taken up the majority of the activities that I participate in.
I call it unexpected because when I came to campus in August of 2010, I wasn't sure what role I wanted church, faith, or even God to have in my life. I attended two main organizations on and off for about a month, but nothing about it felt right. I had trouble connecting with others that were involved because they all came off as these "perfect" Christians (even though I knew in my heart that it was probably further from the truth). I couldn't relate to the messages that were being given in the Sunday services because it wasn't where I was at in my spiritual journey. Eventually, I convinced myself that maybe I didn't need that kind of thing anymore. I could just pray to God when I felt like I needed to and somehow that would sustain me.
But truthfully, it didn't. For the last three and a half months of my freshman year, I was emotionally lost. I felt people reaching out to me, but I didn't know how to grab on.
In the beginning of sophomore year, I felt the need to try it again. I went to the prayer group and Bible study during the week. I tried out the church services, and frequently came out of there moved to tears because of how close to home the topics hit. I've talked with and have gotten to know a lot of different people. And I consider those kind of connections to be one of the main highlights of the first semester.
It was with that community that I began to slowly tear down this image of perfection that I had worked my tail off at keeping in place. For the first time, I learned how to be real with people. It wasn't simply because they accepted me, but because I felt comfortable. It's like that "warm blanket" sensation that I once described in another post.
Most of all, I felt refreshed and at peace.
Being part of the Intervarsity community has been such a blessing, especially during the difficulties of the last three months. Not only has it allowed me to develop more of a spiritual foundation, but I've learned what it really means to just listen; that I don't need to necessarily go spilling out my life story in order for other people to get to know me.
And from that, I have learned that I need to be able to connect with others and have close relationships in order to thrive. I don't have specifics in mind, but I know that I want to continue to have growth in my current relationships as the New Year begins. I want to be open to learning from others, as well as teaching.
Community is very much a part of human nature. It doesn't necessarily have to be faith-oriented, but find something that feels right. You never know the changes that can take place, both with yourself and with people around you because of having that kind of support.
Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2011? What community would you like to join, or connect with more deeply in 2012?
Community was something that I frequently craved throughout the past year. In the beginning, I believed that I had found it through my dorm floor, due to the fact that we were all writing majors of some kind. And while it helped bring a lot of us together initially, it seems like all too often we focused on our personal differences other then honing our craft.
For a short time (and I mean really short) I longed to join a sorority; I wanted the sisterhood aspect, the nearly full social calender, and the overall perks that come with being part of that kind of organization. I didn't even make it past the first round during informal because my GPA wasn't of the minimum requirements. Thus, I could not do formal for the second time around either. Down the road, I understood that it just wouldn't have been a good fit for me, personally.
It turns out that the best place for me to find community was the last place that I expected it to be: a community of faith. It started with a Bible study in a dorm room on the other side of campus and as of right now, has taken up the majority of the activities that I participate in.
I call it unexpected because when I came to campus in August of 2010, I wasn't sure what role I wanted church, faith, or even God to have in my life. I attended two main organizations on and off for about a month, but nothing about it felt right. I had trouble connecting with others that were involved because they all came off as these "perfect" Christians (even though I knew in my heart that it was probably further from the truth). I couldn't relate to the messages that were being given in the Sunday services because it wasn't where I was at in my spiritual journey. Eventually, I convinced myself that maybe I didn't need that kind of thing anymore. I could just pray to God when I felt like I needed to and somehow that would sustain me.
But truthfully, it didn't. For the last three and a half months of my freshman year, I was emotionally lost. I felt people reaching out to me, but I didn't know how to grab on.
In the beginning of sophomore year, I felt the need to try it again. I went to the prayer group and Bible study during the week. I tried out the church services, and frequently came out of there moved to tears because of how close to home the topics hit. I've talked with and have gotten to know a lot of different people. And I consider those kind of connections to be one of the main highlights of the first semester.
It was with that community that I began to slowly tear down this image of perfection that I had worked my tail off at keeping in place. For the first time, I learned how to be real with people. It wasn't simply because they accepted me, but because I felt comfortable. It's like that "warm blanket" sensation that I once described in another post.
Most of all, I felt refreshed and at peace.
Being part of the Intervarsity community has been such a blessing, especially during the difficulties of the last three months. Not only has it allowed me to develop more of a spiritual foundation, but I've learned what it really means to just listen; that I don't need to necessarily go spilling out my life story in order for other people to get to know me.
And from that, I have learned that I need to be able to connect with others and have close relationships in order to thrive. I don't have specifics in mind, but I know that I want to continue to have growth in my current relationships as the New Year begins. I want to be open to learning from others, as well as teaching.
Community is very much a part of human nature. It doesn't necessarily have to be faith-oriented, but find something that feels right. You never know the changes that can take place, both with yourself and with people around you because of having that kind of support.
December 18, 2011
And So It Is
Day 18-Letting Go
Who or what did you let go of this year? How has it made a difference in your life so far?
I don't want to call it letting go, because it was something that I had already done the previous year. Actually, I'd let go at least three or four different times; it was more of an acceptance of the way things are right now. Then again, I'd rather not say that I had "accepted" anything because it seems like acceptance is more or less a way of giving up; and I'm not the kind of person to give up easily. Acceptance should also come with peace, which is something that I feel on certain days, and not so much on others.
Please know that I am not attempting to make this a pity party; I am trying to get into the habit of simply being authentic and genuine with anyone who reads this, for reasons that I'll elaborate on at another time. This is not exactly a happy go lucky post, but one of choosing to face reaility.
This past Sunday, one of the speakers at my church chose to give a message about God's healing power and living with various types of disabilities. It spoke volumes to me and hit incredibly close to home. One of the things that she pointed out was that there comes a time when eventually it is no longer about physicality, but rather about trying to move beyond the social stigmas and live a normal life.
That's exactly right! I thought to myself.
I thought about how yesterday I discussed my feeling the need to prove something. Deep down, the one thing that I have wanted to prove is that having Cerebral Palsy at this point in my life does not affect me; that walking five and a half blocks to school does not make me tired. That I can do my hair and make-up within a span of under and hour and not have to worry about messing it all up. That it doesn't place somewhat of a role in the relationships that I have in my life: that it is partially the reason why some choose to be in my life and others don't.
But the truth is, it does. Maybe not every single day and not all of the time, but there are definitely moments when it becomes the pink elephant in the room; knowing that I'm not exactly like most people, but not wanting to press any further. I couldn't tell you the reason, other than it's a possibility that they don't want to come across as offensive. Or they just don't care.
The other point she brought up had to do with a bishop for the Church of England; I can't recall exactly what he had, but it was something that confined him to a wheelchair. In any case, he was pastoring at a church where after the service, a member of the congregation approached him and said "I'm sorry that you're suffering."
The man looked at him and said, "It's not my condition that I suffer from, it's from people like you."
Whoa. That pretty much sums up my line of thinking right there!
I realize that one cannot control what another person thinks; but let me tell you, the amount of judgement and ignorance in the world today makes my blood boil. I'll never understand the difficulty in trying to get to know someone. I'll never understand the point of taking pity on someone from afar; if you honestly feel that bad, go talk to that person. You don't have know everything about them, but just talk to them.
That's partially the reason why I don't outright tell a person that I am mildly handicapped when I first meet them. I want them to first off know me for my heart and personality, not my body.
Although I have long since stopped wanting to completely rid myself of CP, I occasionally wonder what life would be like if I didn't have it: would I have accomplished more by now? Would I know any different? Would I think differently? Would my friends and family view me the same way? The possibilities are endless, although I don't like to spend a lot of time speculating because those are questions that will most likely go unanswered.
That is where acceptance comes in; accepting that no matter what phase of life I am in, there will always be obstacles to get over, doubts to silence, and frequent tests of whether or not I believe in myself. It will not get any easier, but that does not mean it is impossible, either.
I usually am not one to get upset or somber over this topic, especially if there is little that can be done except to persevere. Yet, I do have my moments where I find myself contemplating my circumstances and what I can do to become stronger. Sometimes I think that if I don't give thanks and count my blessings, it will all be taken away from me. I am blessed to have been where I've been, and somehow still be standing.
I accept that I am who I am. That I am strong. And that whatever I encounter in the future, I will only become better and stronger because of it.
Who or what did you let go of this year? How has it made a difference in your life so far?
I don't want to call it letting go, because it was something that I had already done the previous year. Actually, I'd let go at least three or four different times; it was more of an acceptance of the way things are right now. Then again, I'd rather not say that I had "accepted" anything because it seems like acceptance is more or less a way of giving up; and I'm not the kind of person to give up easily. Acceptance should also come with peace, which is something that I feel on certain days, and not so much on others.
Please know that I am not attempting to make this a pity party; I am trying to get into the habit of simply being authentic and genuine with anyone who reads this, for reasons that I'll elaborate on at another time. This is not exactly a happy go lucky post, but one of choosing to face reaility.
This past Sunday, one of the speakers at my church chose to give a message about God's healing power and living with various types of disabilities. It spoke volumes to me and hit incredibly close to home. One of the things that she pointed out was that there comes a time when eventually it is no longer about physicality, but rather about trying to move beyond the social stigmas and live a normal life.
That's exactly right! I thought to myself.
I thought about how yesterday I discussed my feeling the need to prove something. Deep down, the one thing that I have wanted to prove is that having Cerebral Palsy at this point in my life does not affect me; that walking five and a half blocks to school does not make me tired. That I can do my hair and make-up within a span of under and hour and not have to worry about messing it all up. That it doesn't place somewhat of a role in the relationships that I have in my life: that it is partially the reason why some choose to be in my life and others don't.
But the truth is, it does. Maybe not every single day and not all of the time, but there are definitely moments when it becomes the pink elephant in the room; knowing that I'm not exactly like most people, but not wanting to press any further. I couldn't tell you the reason, other than it's a possibility that they don't want to come across as offensive. Or they just don't care.
The other point she brought up had to do with a bishop for the Church of England; I can't recall exactly what he had, but it was something that confined him to a wheelchair. In any case, he was pastoring at a church where after the service, a member of the congregation approached him and said "I'm sorry that you're suffering."
The man looked at him and said, "It's not my condition that I suffer from, it's from people like you."
Whoa. That pretty much sums up my line of thinking right there!
I realize that one cannot control what another person thinks; but let me tell you, the amount of judgement and ignorance in the world today makes my blood boil. I'll never understand the difficulty in trying to get to know someone. I'll never understand the point of taking pity on someone from afar; if you honestly feel that bad, go talk to that person. You don't have know everything about them, but just talk to them.
That's partially the reason why I don't outright tell a person that I am mildly handicapped when I first meet them. I want them to first off know me for my heart and personality, not my body.
Although I have long since stopped wanting to completely rid myself of CP, I occasionally wonder what life would be like if I didn't have it: would I have accomplished more by now? Would I know any different? Would I think differently? Would my friends and family view me the same way? The possibilities are endless, although I don't like to spend a lot of time speculating because those are questions that will most likely go unanswered.
That is where acceptance comes in; accepting that no matter what phase of life I am in, there will always be obstacles to get over, doubts to silence, and frequent tests of whether or not I believe in myself. It will not get any easier, but that does not mean it is impossible, either.
I usually am not one to get upset or somber over this topic, especially if there is little that can be done except to persevere. Yet, I do have my moments where I find myself contemplating my circumstances and what I can do to become stronger. Sometimes I think that if I don't give thanks and count my blessings, it will all be taken away from me. I am blessed to have been where I've been, and somehow still be standing.
I accept that I am who I am. That I am strong. And that whatever I encounter in the future, I will only become better and stronger because of it.
December 17, 2011
Rising Up And Above
Day 17-Fear
The easiest way to overcome fear is to confront it. Rather than brainstorming reasons to avoid your "fear" shift your attention to reasons for confronting your fear. What fear would you like to overcome in 2012?
Awhile back I was having an extremely hectic week; the main reason was an ever-present question that kept wrecking havoc on my brain. Where am I going with my life?
Now before I continue, I'm sure this is a completely normal question for anyone my age to ask. At some point, everyone will and does ask it. But for a person who almost always has a vision in mind, along with a way to make that vision happen, it was daunting. I felt stuck and was frequently crying tears of frustration.
Which leads me to my first fear: I am afraid of not accomplishing anything; of still being stuck in the same place that I currently am in as of right now. Or moving forward, yet not really going anywhere. Does that make sense?
I guess it stems from my overall experience in 2011; for most of the year I believed that I had come out of this shell that I'd been hiding in since I first started high school. I eventually realized that I had been "happy" for all the wrong reasons. When reality finally set in, I felt as though I had take one step forward and two steps back.
A part of me thinks that there isn't really a way to "confront" this fear, because I'm not scared of what could happen. Rather, I'm scared of what might not happen. And the only way to get somewhere (or anywhere, for that matter) is to start walking; even if it's just little baby steps at first.
That means having a specific something in mind that I want to do; something that is realistic, where I can actually make it happen. In these past couple of weeks I've thought about my writing career and what I genuinely want to do with it. I always envisioned myself waiting until after I finished college so that I could enjoy the whole experience of being a college student. Yet I've noticed that if you don't start at least trying your hand somewhat early before you get out into the real world, you're stuck with a dead end job trying to pay the bills and the mild hope of ever getting into the business. I don't quite know how I'm going to go about it just yet, but I'll discuss it more once I have an idea.
Another thing is being patient, along not being myself up over what I haven't done or haven't had the chance to do. It is true when others say that our own worst critics, and worst enemies are ourselves. While I may not have done a whole lot this year in terms of what I am passionate about, I have made great emotional strides and am learning how to better deal with various aspects of my own life.
So while it's important to strive to be the best you can be, it's also good to know when to give yourself credit and celebrate your victories, regardless of how small they may be.
My second fear is that I will become almost too independent for my own good, as well as for the wrong reasons. I'll admit that for the last couple of years, I have chosen to do things by myself as a way of proving something to people. In 2011, I kept a lot of crap to myself in order to prove that I wasn't making any mistakes or hadn't already. I wanted to prove that being a college student wasn't harder than I initially anticipated it to be.
While I think I've been doing a lot better with being open and honest about what's going on in my life, but there are still a few roadblocks to get past. For instance, I still don't like the idea of other people taking care of me, especially at this point in my life. While I was (and still am) the oldest child in my immediate family, I often feel like the roles get reversed due to my physical setbacks. My struggles during my freshman year only intensified that need to be independent, and to show the rest of the world that I was perfectly capable of doing so.
But the world's way of living life isn't always the right way. In this case, it's supposedly better to be alone and completely rely on your own person. On the other hand, human nature almost always tends to go against that. I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for the amount of love, prayers and support that I've received.
And when it comes to any kind of relationship, one has to know how to receive as well as to give. It's not like I'm expecting anyone to hold my hand or to be at my beck and call; but I do like knowing that there are those who are willing to walking with me, and who are rooting for me to succeed in whatever I do.
So when a friend or family member offers to do something for me, I need to stop being so stubborn and learn to accept that help. It's not just about needing, but allowing others to feel needed as well.
The only way to get over a fear isn't just to face it, but to know how to face it in the best way.
The easiest way to overcome fear is to confront it. Rather than brainstorming reasons to avoid your "fear" shift your attention to reasons for confronting your fear. What fear would you like to overcome in 2012?
Awhile back I was having an extremely hectic week; the main reason was an ever-present question that kept wrecking havoc on my brain. Where am I going with my life?
Now before I continue, I'm sure this is a completely normal question for anyone my age to ask. At some point, everyone will and does ask it. But for a person who almost always has a vision in mind, along with a way to make that vision happen, it was daunting. I felt stuck and was frequently crying tears of frustration.
Which leads me to my first fear: I am afraid of not accomplishing anything; of still being stuck in the same place that I currently am in as of right now. Or moving forward, yet not really going anywhere. Does that make sense?
I guess it stems from my overall experience in 2011; for most of the year I believed that I had come out of this shell that I'd been hiding in since I first started high school. I eventually realized that I had been "happy" for all the wrong reasons. When reality finally set in, I felt as though I had take one step forward and two steps back.
A part of me thinks that there isn't really a way to "confront" this fear, because I'm not scared of what could happen. Rather, I'm scared of what might not happen. And the only way to get somewhere (or anywhere, for that matter) is to start walking; even if it's just little baby steps at first.
That means having a specific something in mind that I want to do; something that is realistic, where I can actually make it happen. In these past couple of weeks I've thought about my writing career and what I genuinely want to do with it. I always envisioned myself waiting until after I finished college so that I could enjoy the whole experience of being a college student. Yet I've noticed that if you don't start at least trying your hand somewhat early before you get out into the real world, you're stuck with a dead end job trying to pay the bills and the mild hope of ever getting into the business. I don't quite know how I'm going to go about it just yet, but I'll discuss it more once I have an idea.
Another thing is being patient, along not being myself up over what I haven't done or haven't had the chance to do. It is true when others say that our own worst critics, and worst enemies are ourselves. While I may not have done a whole lot this year in terms of what I am passionate about, I have made great emotional strides and am learning how to better deal with various aspects of my own life.
So while it's important to strive to be the best you can be, it's also good to know when to give yourself credit and celebrate your victories, regardless of how small they may be.
My second fear is that I will become almost too independent for my own good, as well as for the wrong reasons. I'll admit that for the last couple of years, I have chosen to do things by myself as a way of proving something to people. In 2011, I kept a lot of crap to myself in order to prove that I wasn't making any mistakes or hadn't already. I wanted to prove that being a college student wasn't harder than I initially anticipated it to be.
While I think I've been doing a lot better with being open and honest about what's going on in my life, but there are still a few roadblocks to get past. For instance, I still don't like the idea of other people taking care of me, especially at this point in my life. While I was (and still am) the oldest child in my immediate family, I often feel like the roles get reversed due to my physical setbacks. My struggles during my freshman year only intensified that need to be independent, and to show the rest of the world that I was perfectly capable of doing so.
But the world's way of living life isn't always the right way. In this case, it's supposedly better to be alone and completely rely on your own person. On the other hand, human nature almost always tends to go against that. I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for the amount of love, prayers and support that I've received.
And when it comes to any kind of relationship, one has to know how to receive as well as to give. It's not like I'm expecting anyone to hold my hand or to be at my beck and call; but I do like knowing that there are those who are willing to walking with me, and who are rooting for me to succeed in whatever I do.
So when a friend or family member offers to do something for me, I need to stop being so stubborn and learn to accept that help. It's not just about needing, but allowing others to feel needed as well.
The only way to get over a fear isn't just to face it, but to know how to face it in the best way.
December 16, 2011
My Favorite Things
Day 16-Love
What are the things (or people, or animals) that you love the most?
Oh jeeze, I can easily come up with an incredibly long list when it comes to this particular topic. But there are only a few things that I love- meaning, I cannot see myself ever existing without, because it is such a large part of who I am as well as a part of my history. And it is in no particular order.
1. My Family-It wasn't too long ago where I once believed that growing up meant moving away from your family, physically and emotionally. Little did I know just how much I would come to miss them and need them, especially this year. They have been the one constant thing in my life, and very much the reason why I am still standing today. As I'm trying my hardest not to cry and type at the same time, I hope they know how much I love and am grateful for each of them. Just as well are my friends, whom many have become my "second family" as I've gotten to know them. I am blessed to have all of them be a part of my life.
2. Disney-It was such a significant part of my childhood that at this point, it is pretty much just embedded in me. I have been to Disney World at least four times (which has convinced my Mom that I am going to get married there). I've gone as every Disney princess for Halloween except Cinderella, Tinkerbell, and Repunzel. I nicknamed my prom dress from junior year my "Belle" dress, and I refuse to get rid of it. I have a variety of stuffed animals, jewelry, pictures and movies related to the subject. Oh heck, I have a whole Pintrest board dedicated to it. I've been told that "it's for a little kids" but you know what I say to that? If it wasn't for adults, the entire company wouldn't exist!
3. Hugging-I am just an extremely affectionate person; if I don't get a hug at least every once in awhile, I start going nuts. The rest of my explanation is a whole separate post in itself.
4. The Beach-Between the beautiful water, the soft sand, the interesting-looking seashells...I might as well consider this a slice of heaven. Many will say it depends on where you go, which I is something that I strongly agree with. Regardless, I absolutely adore it, and have never felt more alive than from being in a natural body of water. My bedroom at home was recently redecorated into sort of a beach theme, so I have my own little "getaway" every time I come back from school.
5. Reading and Writing-I put both of these at the same type because they strongly go hand in hand. We would not be able to read things without people writing them. As much as it has been type-casted as a nerd hobby, I couldn't live without books. Feel free to shut off the TV for any amount of time, but if I can't read I might go so far as to break a few fingers. Writing is my form of self expression, and I feel blessed to be able to do what I do. I do understand now that I have a gift, and I intend not to waste any amount of it.
6. Coffee-I started drinking it when I was twelve and have not stopped since. Always with creamer and never black. I don't know why it has become somewhat of a romantic concept to me, but perhaps its because coffee is so freaking delicious! It's the only liquid that I can drink slowly, and have began my own little collection of coffee cups. My last story that I wrote for my fiction class was actually based around the subject of coffee.
There are a ton of other sentiments, many which can be found in other posts on this blog. However, these are things that I believe sum up my personality the most, at least in a nutshell.
What are the things (or people, or animals) that you love the most?
Oh jeeze, I can easily come up with an incredibly long list when it comes to this particular topic. But there are only a few things that I love- meaning, I cannot see myself ever existing without, because it is such a large part of who I am as well as a part of my history. And it is in no particular order.
1. My Family-It wasn't too long ago where I once believed that growing up meant moving away from your family, physically and emotionally. Little did I know just how much I would come to miss them and need them, especially this year. They have been the one constant thing in my life, and very much the reason why I am still standing today. As I'm trying my hardest not to cry and type at the same time, I hope they know how much I love and am grateful for each of them. Just as well are my friends, whom many have become my "second family" as I've gotten to know them. I am blessed to have all of them be a part of my life.
2. Disney-It was such a significant part of my childhood that at this point, it is pretty much just embedded in me. I have been to Disney World at least four times (which has convinced my Mom that I am going to get married there). I've gone as every Disney princess for Halloween except Cinderella, Tinkerbell, and Repunzel. I nicknamed my prom dress from junior year my "Belle" dress, and I refuse to get rid of it. I have a variety of stuffed animals, jewelry, pictures and movies related to the subject. Oh heck, I have a whole Pintrest board dedicated to it. I've been told that "it's for a little kids" but you know what I say to that? If it wasn't for adults, the entire company wouldn't exist!
3. Hugging-I am just an extremely affectionate person; if I don't get a hug at least every once in awhile, I start going nuts. The rest of my explanation is a whole separate post in itself.
4. The Beach-Between the beautiful water, the soft sand, the interesting-looking seashells...I might as well consider this a slice of heaven. Many will say it depends on where you go, which I is something that I strongly agree with. Regardless, I absolutely adore it, and have never felt more alive than from being in a natural body of water. My bedroom at home was recently redecorated into sort of a beach theme, so I have my own little "getaway" every time I come back from school.
5. Reading and Writing-I put both of these at the same type because they strongly go hand in hand. We would not be able to read things without people writing them. As much as it has been type-casted as a nerd hobby, I couldn't live without books. Feel free to shut off the TV for any amount of time, but if I can't read I might go so far as to break a few fingers. Writing is my form of self expression, and I feel blessed to be able to do what I do. I do understand now that I have a gift, and I intend not to waste any amount of it.
6. Coffee-I started drinking it when I was twelve and have not stopped since. Always with creamer and never black. I don't know why it has become somewhat of a romantic concept to me, but perhaps its because coffee is so freaking delicious! It's the only liquid that I can drink slowly, and have began my own little collection of coffee cups. My last story that I wrote for my fiction class was actually based around the subject of coffee.
There are a ton of other sentiments, many which can be found in other posts on this blog. However, these are things that I believe sum up my personality the most, at least in a nutshell.
December 15, 2011
One At A Time, Please
Day 15-Anticipation
What's the one thing that you're most looking forward to in 2012?
In an earlier entry, I confessed that I am a habitual planner and worrier. I like to know what I'm doing, how I will go about doing it, and the amount of time and work it will take. As 2011 is coming to an end and 2012 approaches, I've found that I honestly don't want to heavily anticipate much of anything. It's not because I don't think anything good will happen, because chances are, there will be a lot of good things. But for once, I would like to truly learn what it means to let the pieces just fall where they may. There are a lot of unknowns right now, so I would rather not look too far ahead into the future, especially if they relate to what I am not in control of.
That's not to say that I will just sway where the wind blows; it's important to set goals and strive to accomplish those goals. However, I've come to understand that I need to be open to all the possibilities, instead of just setting my sights on the best or worst case scenario. Change, especially unexpected change, is very much a part of life. If you don't learn how to go with the flow and work with what you have, there's a chance that you'll never get to where you're supposed to be.
And maybe not having some kind of "plan" for the coming year is perfectly all right. After all, we can only map out our lives so much, and nine times out of ten it doesn't usually happen the exact way we envision it. In church, I've been taught how it's important to do what you can and leave the rest to God. Maybe I want to know what it's like to genuinely live that out.
If there's one thing in the near future that I'm looking forward to, it's my twentieth birthday. I know that in our society, twenty is extremely meager compared to twenty-one; but for someone who's doctor once told her parents that she might not live through her infancy, let alone do a number of things that I have accomplished thus far, it is kind of a big deal. I'd like to call it my "miracle birthday" and I certainly will give it the kind of celebration that it deserves!
As of right now, I can't say for certain what 2012 will bring. Yet, I feel in my heart that it will be a turning point; I'll just have to wait and see.
What's the one thing that you're most looking forward to in 2012?
In an earlier entry, I confessed that I am a habitual planner and worrier. I like to know what I'm doing, how I will go about doing it, and the amount of time and work it will take. As 2011 is coming to an end and 2012 approaches, I've found that I honestly don't want to heavily anticipate much of anything. It's not because I don't think anything good will happen, because chances are, there will be a lot of good things. But for once, I would like to truly learn what it means to let the pieces just fall where they may. There are a lot of unknowns right now, so I would rather not look too far ahead into the future, especially if they relate to what I am not in control of.
That's not to say that I will just sway where the wind blows; it's important to set goals and strive to accomplish those goals. However, I've come to understand that I need to be open to all the possibilities, instead of just setting my sights on the best or worst case scenario. Change, especially unexpected change, is very much a part of life. If you don't learn how to go with the flow and work with what you have, there's a chance that you'll never get to where you're supposed to be.
And maybe not having some kind of "plan" for the coming year is perfectly all right. After all, we can only map out our lives so much, and nine times out of ten it doesn't usually happen the exact way we envision it. In church, I've been taught how it's important to do what you can and leave the rest to God. Maybe I want to know what it's like to genuinely live that out.
If there's one thing in the near future that I'm looking forward to, it's my twentieth birthday. I know that in our society, twenty is extremely meager compared to twenty-one; but for someone who's doctor once told her parents that she might not live through her infancy, let alone do a number of things that I have accomplished thus far, it is kind of a big deal. I'd like to call it my "miracle birthday" and I certainly will give it the kind of celebration that it deserves!
As of right now, I can't say for certain what 2012 will bring. Yet, I feel in my heart that it will be a turning point; I'll just have to wait and see.
December 14, 2011
From There To Here
Day 14-Marvel
What have you done well in over the past year-the little stuff and the big stuff?
It's amazing how close to a year has passed, and yet it feels like it has been a lot longer than that. When I look back on where I was at this particular time in 2010, I marvel at how much has changed. I marvel at how much I have changed. And I am grateful; beyond grateful, actually, and filled with joy.
I consider myself having done very well in this incredibly long adjustment period; that is, adjusting to life in college, life in renting an apartment, and learning how to pave my own way. In other words, I'm not getting caught up in all the what-if's and the trials that have come with those adjustments. Instead, I am taking notice of all the beauty around me: my school, the people, and the small treasures hidden within each and every day. I am soaking it up like a sponge, determined not to miss a moment.
I also feel like I have learned how to manage living with Cerebral Palsy, especially since I am getting older. It is something that is still a part of my life and something that I still have to be considerate of. But I have slowly been putting on the back-burner and instead allowing my personal self to shine, as opposed to just my physical self. I have gained quite a bit of muscle and kept off the weight from having to walk six blocks to class almost every day. In what many might view as a curse, I view as a beautiful blessing.
To celebrate, I just allow myself to be happy. To smile until my face hurts, without worrying whether or not I look like a complete dork when I'm around other people. I'm laughing constantly, sometimes to the point where I think I might just pass out.
I've also been spontaneous; I've treated myself to frozen yogurt when it's forty degrees out (or below). I sometimes like to dress myself up for class, rather than just wearing sweatpants or a t-shirt. I plug in my ipod and dance around the room, regardless if my roommate walks in on me or not. I try to celebrate these things somehow, at least once a day.
With that, I will share this quote that I wrote in my journal awhile back. The entire thing doesn't completely relate to this post, but I'll put the whole thing anyway so that it makes sense.
Maybe it's not about having people accept us for who we are, but learning how to accept and love ourselves. Maybe the challenge isn't "getting there" but truly enjoying the process of getting there. And maybe we shouldn't always try to "figure it out", but rather allow the answers to reveal themselves to us in their own time.
What have you done well in over the past year-the little stuff and the big stuff?
It's amazing how close to a year has passed, and yet it feels like it has been a lot longer than that. When I look back on where I was at this particular time in 2010, I marvel at how much has changed. I marvel at how much I have changed. And I am grateful; beyond grateful, actually, and filled with joy.
I consider myself having done very well in this incredibly long adjustment period; that is, adjusting to life in college, life in renting an apartment, and learning how to pave my own way. In other words, I'm not getting caught up in all the what-if's and the trials that have come with those adjustments. Instead, I am taking notice of all the beauty around me: my school, the people, and the small treasures hidden within each and every day. I am soaking it up like a sponge, determined not to miss a moment.
I also feel like I have learned how to manage living with Cerebral Palsy, especially since I am getting older. It is something that is still a part of my life and something that I still have to be considerate of. But I have slowly been putting on the back-burner and instead allowing my personal self to shine, as opposed to just my physical self. I have gained quite a bit of muscle and kept off the weight from having to walk six blocks to class almost every day. In what many might view as a curse, I view as a beautiful blessing.
To celebrate, I just allow myself to be happy. To smile until my face hurts, without worrying whether or not I look like a complete dork when I'm around other people. I'm laughing constantly, sometimes to the point where I think I might just pass out.
I've also been spontaneous; I've treated myself to frozen yogurt when it's forty degrees out (or below). I sometimes like to dress myself up for class, rather than just wearing sweatpants or a t-shirt. I plug in my ipod and dance around the room, regardless if my roommate walks in on me or not. I try to celebrate these things somehow, at least once a day.
With that, I will share this quote that I wrote in my journal awhile back. The entire thing doesn't completely relate to this post, but I'll put the whole thing anyway so that it makes sense.
Maybe it's not about having people accept us for who we are, but learning how to accept and love ourselves. Maybe the challenge isn't "getting there" but truly enjoying the process of getting there. And maybe we shouldn't always try to "figure it out", but rather allow the answers to reveal themselves to us in their own time.
December 13, 2011
Almost Falling
Day 13-Mistakes
It's easy to focus on our mistakes- to reflect with 20/20 hindsight and berate ourselves for what went wrong. Bring you're awareness to a mistake that you made over the past year. Unveil one positive lesson from that mistake. How can you actively use this lesson moving forward?
I don't think I made any colossal mistakes; at least ones that resulted in serious consequences. I don't think it was what I did that was bad, but what I thought about doing. My mistake for this year was a combination of two things, interwoven together to create this huge knot that has taken awhile to untangle. Thankfully the process has not been catastrophic, yet it has also been very difficult to talk about. I haven't talked about it, let alone thought about it until now.
The first half was that I hardly ever discussed my struggles with anybody, especially my parents. They, as well as some of my friends, knew that I was having trouble with certain social situations, such as going out on the weekends and being included with specific groups of people. They knew that some of those people (especially girls) didn't understand what I had to live with physically, and my desire to not use it as a crutch in college. But there was so much more to it, emotionally; and at the time, I did not know how to express it. I still don't know how to describe it, except that my expectations weren't turning out to what I want them to be. I thought college would be the end of feeling left out and a host of negative experiences that I had when I was younger. But the truth is, I was still dealing with that kind of crap and I absolutely hated it. Not the actual crap itself, but the fact that it was still happening
I was scared and stubborn, so most of the time I tried to put on a brave face. I tried to act like I knew how to handle it, and most of the time I think I did it well. However, there were moments where I almost felt like I was stuck in a dark room with not very much of a way out; I couldn't see, and therefore I didn't know where I was going or what to do about it.
Before I continue, I want to say that I don't think I was in the best place for the majority of 2011, at least compared to where I am right now. . A lot of wonderful things happened and I felt like I did grow and mature, in a way. However, I was in that "experimentation" phase that many eighteen and nineteen year-olds go through once they leave home. They want to try new things and have different kinds of experiences without worrying about whether it is "right" or "wrong." Although it began in 2010, it continued well on into this year. It wasn't that I wanted to "find myself" so to speak. Rather, I was extremely curious about what it was like to drink and party. I didn't do it every night or weekend, but by the end of second semester I had a collection of stories to tell.
Which leads me into the other component; on top of practically hiding from those that I genuinely cared about, I had a couple of people in my life that tended to hurt me more than they did help me; and I probably should have at least distanced myself from them when I realized it. But I thought of my reasons as rational; some of them were having their own issues and I believed that I could be there for them and help them through it. The other two were guys that I was mildly attracted to, and I wanted to see if either of those attractions led anywhere. Overall, I didn't want to be throwing stones when I myself had no right to be picking up any in the first place.
So for awhile, I convinced myself that I was happy. From January to this past August, I made it appear that everything was running smoothly.. Yet, in between all of it, there were indications that not all was well.
For instance, the guys were not all they were cracked up to be; they were both in my life during different time periods, but for the same reason: I was attracted to them, but didn't know if there was actually anything there.
It did go downhill, eventually. The first one took awhile because we were constantly going back and forth about whether or not we should be in each other's lives; it was always yes, then no. I finally walked away because I couldn't taking wondering whether or not he actually cared.
The next guy...well, we talked, but never really got to hang out together. He was always inviting me out but then ditching me in one way or the other. I can't say very much about that particular situation, since I never did find out why. It might have been beneficial to bring it up, so that I could at least speak up for myself. After awhile, I realized that's just who he was and that talking about it wasn't going to do any good.
And I suppose I should be thankful that neither of them are a part of my life, considering what could have easily happened. I don't want to get into the details, but I will say that none of it would have turned out for the better.
In regards to the other two, I'm presently in the midst of dealing with that. It has become too painful to be close to them, but I'm having a hard time letting go because of the history that we have together. I realize that everyone has their flaws and makes their share of bad choices; but it has gotten to where I feel like I can't do a whole lot of good by being involved; not to mention that it has caused me to stress out and hurt way more than I should be. It does seem a little selfish, but as I've said before, what's the point of trying to take care of others if you can't take care of yourself first?
When I look back on those last couple of months, I see things that could have easily become disasters but actually turned out to be blessings in disguise. Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful memories and do not regret those relationships as a whole. Yet as I think about it now, I understand that a lot of it was me trying to find happiness in all the wrong ways. More so, I was running away from my personal issues and just wanting to ultimately forget about them through those friends.
I have learned a lot of positive lessons from all of it; As I move in to 2012, I know that I need to develop thicker skin and be more willing to let go. Instead of looking for distractions, I discuss my thoughts openly with those that I feel comfortable with.
In hindsight, this whole whatever you want to call it shouldn't be a big deal. As I see it, it was a big deal because it was out of character for me. I thought about doing things that with a clear mind, would have not even considered. As vague as that sounds, there are details that I just don't want to share right now.
The important thing is that I feel like I am now in a place where I've gotten to know myself and I recognize what is and isn't right for me. You have to know your limits and how much you can take, both physically and emotionally. Otherwise, you might find yourself hitting bottom, and in a way that doesn't allow you to get back up.
It's easy to focus on our mistakes- to reflect with 20/20 hindsight and berate ourselves for what went wrong. Bring you're awareness to a mistake that you made over the past year. Unveil one positive lesson from that mistake. How can you actively use this lesson moving forward?
I don't think I made any colossal mistakes; at least ones that resulted in serious consequences. I don't think it was what I did that was bad, but what I thought about doing. My mistake for this year was a combination of two things, interwoven together to create this huge knot that has taken awhile to untangle. Thankfully the process has not been catastrophic, yet it has also been very difficult to talk about. I haven't talked about it, let alone thought about it until now.
The first half was that I hardly ever discussed my struggles with anybody, especially my parents. They, as well as some of my friends, knew that I was having trouble with certain social situations, such as going out on the weekends and being included with specific groups of people. They knew that some of those people (especially girls) didn't understand what I had to live with physically, and my desire to not use it as a crutch in college. But there was so much more to it, emotionally; and at the time, I did not know how to express it. I still don't know how to describe it, except that my expectations weren't turning out to what I want them to be. I thought college would be the end of feeling left out and a host of negative experiences that I had when I was younger. But the truth is, I was still dealing with that kind of crap and I absolutely hated it. Not the actual crap itself, but the fact that it was still happening
I was scared and stubborn, so most of the time I tried to put on a brave face. I tried to act like I knew how to handle it, and most of the time I think I did it well. However, there were moments where I almost felt like I was stuck in a dark room with not very much of a way out; I couldn't see, and therefore I didn't know where I was going or what to do about it.
Before I continue, I want to say that I don't think I was in the best place for the majority of 2011, at least compared to where I am right now. . A lot of wonderful things happened and I felt like I did grow and mature, in a way. However, I was in that "experimentation" phase that many eighteen and nineteen year-olds go through once they leave home. They want to try new things and have different kinds of experiences without worrying about whether it is "right" or "wrong." Although it began in 2010, it continued well on into this year. It wasn't that I wanted to "find myself" so to speak. Rather, I was extremely curious about what it was like to drink and party. I didn't do it every night or weekend, but by the end of second semester I had a collection of stories to tell.
Which leads me into the other component; on top of practically hiding from those that I genuinely cared about, I had a couple of people in my life that tended to hurt me more than they did help me; and I probably should have at least distanced myself from them when I realized it. But I thought of my reasons as rational; some of them were having their own issues and I believed that I could be there for them and help them through it. The other two were guys that I was mildly attracted to, and I wanted to see if either of those attractions led anywhere. Overall, I didn't want to be throwing stones when I myself had no right to be picking up any in the first place.
So for awhile, I convinced myself that I was happy. From January to this past August, I made it appear that everything was running smoothly.. Yet, in between all of it, there were indications that not all was well.
For instance, the guys were not all they were cracked up to be; they were both in my life during different time periods, but for the same reason: I was attracted to them, but didn't know if there was actually anything there.
It did go downhill, eventually. The first one took awhile because we were constantly going back and forth about whether or not we should be in each other's lives; it was always yes, then no. I finally walked away because I couldn't taking wondering whether or not he actually cared.
The next guy...well, we talked, but never really got to hang out together. He was always inviting me out but then ditching me in one way or the other. I can't say very much about that particular situation, since I never did find out why. It might have been beneficial to bring it up, so that I could at least speak up for myself. After awhile, I realized that's just who he was and that talking about it wasn't going to do any good.
And I suppose I should be thankful that neither of them are a part of my life, considering what could have easily happened. I don't want to get into the details, but I will say that none of it would have turned out for the better.
In regards to the other two, I'm presently in the midst of dealing with that. It has become too painful to be close to them, but I'm having a hard time letting go because of the history that we have together. I realize that everyone has their flaws and makes their share of bad choices; but it has gotten to where I feel like I can't do a whole lot of good by being involved; not to mention that it has caused me to stress out and hurt way more than I should be. It does seem a little selfish, but as I've said before, what's the point of trying to take care of others if you can't take care of yourself first?
When I look back on those last couple of months, I see things that could have easily become disasters but actually turned out to be blessings in disguise. Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful memories and do not regret those relationships as a whole. Yet as I think about it now, I understand that a lot of it was me trying to find happiness in all the wrong ways. More so, I was running away from my personal issues and just wanting to ultimately forget about them through those friends.
I have learned a lot of positive lessons from all of it; As I move in to 2012, I know that I need to develop thicker skin and be more willing to let go. Instead of looking for distractions, I discuss my thoughts openly with those that I feel comfortable with.
In hindsight, this whole whatever you want to call it shouldn't be a big deal. As I see it, it was a big deal because it was out of character for me. I thought about doing things that with a clear mind, would have not even considered. As vague as that sounds, there are details that I just don't want to share right now.
The important thing is that I feel like I am now in a place where I've gotten to know myself and I recognize what is and isn't right for me. You have to know your limits and how much you can take, both physically and emotionally. Otherwise, you might find yourself hitting bottom, and in a way that doesn't allow you to get back up.
December 12, 2011
A Little Bit Of This, A Little Bit of That
Day 12-Soul Food
How do you nourish your soul? What are the essential nutrients of your soul's well-being?
I didn't want to write about this prompt on the day that it was posted, because I hadn't a clue as to what "soul food" was. And that might be because for a long time, I haven't been the best at taking care of myself both emotionally and spiritually. But I have come up with a few things as far as what fills me and keeps me grounded.
When I tell people that I wake up at five thirty in the morning on weekdays, they look at me like I'm absolutely crazy. My parents occasionally like to try to convince me that I should at least allow myself to sleep until six. Normally I say that I like to give myself time to get ready in the morning, which is true. I hate rushing around in order to get out the door. Yet, I also like taking the time to either pray or write in my journal and drinking a cup of coffee before I go about my to-do list for the day. Some days it is only for five to ten minutes, and others I might spend up to an hour. It all very much depends on what time I have class. Usually, do my best to begin the day in a calm way, as well as end it in a calm way.
A lot of my soul nourishment also comes from the books I read and the television shows I watch. As cheesy as it all seems, I happen to learn a lot from The Oprah Winfrey Network and Extreme Make-Over: Home Edition. Although I do have the DVD sets of 7th Heaven (I got hooked on it during one of the later seasons; my Mom and I used to watch it together every Monday night). I genuinely miss programs that have some sort of moral or value. I understand that trends change and fads fade, but do networks honestly assume that everybody finds "reality" TV entertaining?
In terms of reading, it's why I enjoy the Chicken Soup series, as well as a lot of biographies and memoirs. It's always interesting to read about a celebrity that doesn't come from a gossip magazine, or to read a story about someone that's dealing with a particular issue. That's why I've always said that I tend to learn more from real life as opposed to a textbook.
However, the essential ingredient does not come from entertainment or self-reflection, but from community and being around other people. In some ways I see myself as extroverted and a completely independent woman, but I know deep down that I cannot survive without having close relationships or community of some kind. I think we're all wired to be that way as human beings, despite how society tells us that self-reliance is key to living the best life possible.
Throughout the last half of the year, I have been learning to pay attention to those particular needs and fulfill them whenever necessary. It isn't always every moment, every day, or every week; but it is also enough to where I feel like I am not driving myself completely insane.
While not considered "normal" or "usual" for a near-twenty-something, it is what helps me to stay focused and not get caught up in the hoopla of every day life. Whatever yours may be, never neglect it because your scared of what the rest of the world might think. When you do things that you truly love, you learn not to give a damn about anyone else's opinions.
How do you nourish your soul? What are the essential nutrients of your soul's well-being?
I didn't want to write about this prompt on the day that it was posted, because I hadn't a clue as to what "soul food" was. And that might be because for a long time, I haven't been the best at taking care of myself both emotionally and spiritually. But I have come up with a few things as far as what fills me and keeps me grounded.
When I tell people that I wake up at five thirty in the morning on weekdays, they look at me like I'm absolutely crazy. My parents occasionally like to try to convince me that I should at least allow myself to sleep until six. Normally I say that I like to give myself time to get ready in the morning, which is true. I hate rushing around in order to get out the door. Yet, I also like taking the time to either pray or write in my journal and drinking a cup of coffee before I go about my to-do list for the day. Some days it is only for five to ten minutes, and others I might spend up to an hour. It all very much depends on what time I have class. Usually, do my best to begin the day in a calm way, as well as end it in a calm way.
A lot of my soul nourishment also comes from the books I read and the television shows I watch. As cheesy as it all seems, I happen to learn a lot from The Oprah Winfrey Network and Extreme Make-Over: Home Edition. Although I do have the DVD sets of 7th Heaven (I got hooked on it during one of the later seasons; my Mom and I used to watch it together every Monday night). I genuinely miss programs that have some sort of moral or value. I understand that trends change and fads fade, but do networks honestly assume that everybody finds "reality" TV entertaining?
In terms of reading, it's why I enjoy the Chicken Soup series, as well as a lot of biographies and memoirs. It's always interesting to read about a celebrity that doesn't come from a gossip magazine, or to read a story about someone that's dealing with a particular issue. That's why I've always said that I tend to learn more from real life as opposed to a textbook.
However, the essential ingredient does not come from entertainment or self-reflection, but from community and being around other people. In some ways I see myself as extroverted and a completely independent woman, but I know deep down that I cannot survive without having close relationships or community of some kind. I think we're all wired to be that way as human beings, despite how society tells us that self-reliance is key to living the best life possible.
Throughout the last half of the year, I have been learning to pay attention to those particular needs and fulfill them whenever necessary. It isn't always every moment, every day, or every week; but it is also enough to where I feel like I am not driving myself completely insane.
While not considered "normal" or "usual" for a near-twenty-something, it is what helps me to stay focused and not get caught up in the hoopla of every day life. Whatever yours may be, never neglect it because your scared of what the rest of the world might think. When you do things that you truly love, you learn not to give a damn about anyone else's opinions.
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