Poetic Wrestling

When I'm struggling or wrestling with something, I usually try to express myself through poetry before anything else. This stems from an incident that occurred not too long ago, and it's really making me look at my past choices in terms of the relationships I've had, as well as who and what I've allowed to be in my life. It has me frustrated and somewhat scared; however, It seems to be a matter that a lot of people can relate to. I don't know how long it will be before I write a blog about it, or even if I will. But for now, I'd like to share these words: 


Knowing, Learning, Needing 

What I know

Hey Boy

I see you in the crowds

In the dark corners, just waiting

Eyeing me the way a child looks at a favorite toy

You come over slowly, trying not to appear too eager

“Hey beautiful” or “hey sexy” instead of asking my name

And while I silently agree to dance with you

I refuse to spend the whole time running or fighting

That doesn’t mean my body is yours for the taking

I once traded dignity for kisses, but keep vowing not to anymore

But then your hands go where they don’t belong

Though in the moment I freeze, after I am furious and ashamed

I wish I could be brave instead of being tiny

Hey Boy

I see your pretty eyes glazed over from that beer

Our history written in the memories of wild shenanigans

You come off as selfish, careless, a wrecking ball

Both a blessing and a curse, I sense layers of pain in your life

Wanting to understand and relate to you

My compassionate heart views you as one who’s simply human

Maybe a little bit lost, but aren’t we all?

Still, I can only do so much to care for you without neglecting my needs

So I wait until we cross paths, then put my arms around you

Holding you close to me for a minute or two

As your whisper “hey girl” like I matter for the moment

Praying as you walk away

That I won’t ever get that life-altering telephone call

What I’m learning

Sweet man,

I don’t know if you’re in my life already or if the time has yet to come

Maybe you’re here, then again I once was wrong

I’m trying to be careful and not do anything foolish

Real love is not meant to be feared or avoided

But not to be taken lightly either

You’re the kind of man that I view with respect and admiration

The kind that motivates me to be the best that I can be

To be a better person

It’s not just about feelings, but how we treat and take care of each other

We’re not one above the other, but equals

What I need

It’s a battle when the voices of culture take place of God or intuition

There’s recognizing what you want, and more so what you need

Taking the steps to get there is the hardest part

Feeling blinded by the lack of example

Confused by all the advice

Sick of the same old song and dance

Wanting more

Yet still trying to shed what I’ve been raised in

I’ve had enough test runs

I've been created for the real thing

It's a matter of trust, letting go, and embracing it

photo credit: Will Montague via photopin cc