I'm in one of those back and forth modes; the kind where you don't want to complain about how busy you are, because you know what it's like to have too much time on your hands and be sitting around thinking about stuff. Then again, nothing utterly spectacularly is going on right now either; it's like I'm on a treadmill and without realizing it, somebody hit the incline button one too many times. Not that this is a bad thing, because it puts me in the practice of taking my time and not solely focusing on a particular end result. Yet part of me does yearn for something really big to happen, and perhaps it will in the coming months.
I haven't blogged much for the following reasons: 1. There have been topics I've been wanting to write about, but find that I can't type it all out within an hour. 2. When I do sit down to write, I get fidgety because of everything else that needs to get done before the day is over. 3. Part of me is afraid to even admit that I think or feel the way that I do. I have no intention of putting it on the backburner, yet as of right now I may only be able to blog once a week, rather than two.
It's starting to dawn on me how emotionally taxing writing is; this past weekend I got physically sick from exhaustion, and I wonder if that has something to do with it. Apart from academic papers, I'm starting to slowly shape what I hope will become my first novel; I'm taking an online novel writing class, which is actually guiding me in the process. For now I'm just building characters and scenes, and most likely be putting it all together either toward the end of the semester or over winter break.
There's no way to tell what the end result will look like; it is loosely based off an aspect of my life, so that's partially why it is difficult and emotional to put together. I am fictionalizing a lot of it, but the trick is figuring out how, rather than telling it verbatim as it happened. Part of me wants to take a bit of a break, since it is a self-paced online class. If I choose that, I risk falling behind and driving myself crazy by the time December comes around.
For some strange reason, it has caused me to think about the concept of privacy; what we tell the world and what we keep to ourselves. It's definitely something I want to write about by itself, so I won't elaborate much. I'm just realizing that even though I've become an advocate for vulnerability, it's not always black and white.
On the other end, I'm beginning to dip my toes into the pool of job searching and whatnot. I have a general idea of what I'd like to do and where I'd like to work, but haven't pinned down the specifics yet. I'm mostly just focusing on networking and getting more information about the possibilities, at least for right now.
I miss church; I am very much part of Intervarsity here on campus, but my church attendance has been on and off for a long time now. Part of it is the fear of investing deeper in a community when I'll have to leave in a shorter amount of time than I've been there. The other half is that come Sunday, both my mind and body are so incredibly worn out from everything I've had to do that week, and I constantly risk getting myself sick. I get headaches a lot, which can lead to vomiting. It's very frustrating to watch people who look like they have so much energy; they can go on and on and even after a couple of days look like it hasn't done anything to them. However, I know that's just because I'm seeing it from the outside.
Yes, life is crazy, but in hindsight I'm soaking up every moment of it.