I've never been a fan of making New Years Resolutions; a lot of them are so generic (lose weight, exercise more, get organized, etc.) and half of the time, most people almost never keep them. Aside from that, I don't understand why exactly people let their bad habits drag out until the New year; in retrospect, every day should be a day to start fresh and make a change. Wouldn't it be better to start tomorrow rather than wait and put yourself through more of the same frustration(s).
At the same time, there's something about a brand new year that makes starting over a lot easier; you have a completely clean slate and the days and months ahead are filled with so many possibilities. You may think about what you could have done differently the previous year, but there isn't really anything that you can do to change it: it's over, done and gone away. Beginning again at this time just seems to make more sense.
I used to think that I didn't exactly want to do anything differently in 2011; that I just wanted to keep growing and maturing the way that I have been in 2010. Mostly because for the life of me, I could not come up with any resolution specifically. Yet over the last couple of days, I've come to the conclusion that I am actually quite the procrastinator; I put off writing papers because I hate the grind of doing research and having to put it all together in a way that makes sense. I put off doing homework at times because I feel like I've worked my butt and think I deserve a break. And the list goes on...
On a deeper level, there are a lot of things that I put off doing because of how I might deal with it emotionally; I put off talking to this guy that I keep seeing around campus because I was afraid that he might be a complete jerk, and that I would walking away feeling like I wasted my time. I hold back when it comes to talking to friends or family members about certain subjects, out of fear of what they might say in reply. I've come up with dozens of story ideas, and yet it takes me months to actually put them to paper because I feel like it won't be good enough. Currently, I'm putting off looking at my grades for first semester because I don't want to go beating myself up about certain classes, even though I know that there is nothing I can do at this point.
When it all comes down to it, I put things off because of the pain that might come afterward. I realize that sounds very pessimistic of me; but I feel like I've experienced enough pain (in certain areas of my life) where sometimes I wonder just how much more I can take.
Yet, there is no way of completely avoiding pain; one cannot go their whole life without experiencing hardship or difficulties.
And even if you take a leap of faith and it doesn't work out the way you want it to, at least you can move on to different and perhaps better opportunities. By waiting, you only prolong what may be completely out of your control.
So I guess my resolution would be to not just plan things, but actually follow through when them; to do something right when I think of it, and not just wait until later. It's not going to be easy for me, but at the very least, the more I put it into practice, the more I'll get comfortable with doing it.
Goodbye 2010, and bring on 2011!
December 31, 2010
December 30, 2010
Resilient...Or Resistant?
We all go through tough times; no matter what anybody says about how they're going to be happy all the time, it just doesn't work. What goes up, must eventually comes down. Where there is sunshine, there eventually has to be clouds; you get the idea, right?
In a personal sense, the hardest yet most eye-opening concept about 2010 was resilience; that is, being able to get up and bounce back from whatever struggle one may be facing. I've never believed myself to be good at it: in my early teenage years, I always thought it was easier to hide in someone else's arms or cry until I couldn't cry anymore. I knew in the back of my head that I would survive, but enduring any kind of pain scared the hell out of me. It was like walking on hot coals at times; and if I didn't have to do it, I didn't want to.
However, I have learned over the years that 1.) God will not give me anything that I cannot handle 2.) It's all about your attitude and the way you deal with something and 3.) Whatever I'm going through, I know that one way or the other, I will get through it.
These days, I find the more difficult thing is not necessarily enduring a personal trial, but reaching out to other people and admitting that I do need help. While I fully understand that I cannot do it alone, there are times where I feel like I have to. Depending on the situation, it can be because I want to prove that I am a strong woman. There have also been a few people, including my mother and specific close friends, that have seen me go through some incredibly painful experiences; more often than not, I feel indebted to them because of it. To put it this way, they have seen me at some very low points in my life; now I want them to see me happy...I don't want them to see me struggling.
But that's what the general concept of friends and family is; being able to love and be there for each other, both in good times and down right crappy times. And when you don't allow those people to be there for you, you tend to rob yourself of so many things; you don't get to make a connection with someone that could end up becoming a prominent figure in your life, and you keep yourself from connecting deeper with those who are already a part of your life.
So if there's one thing you should ask yourself, it's "are you being resilient...or just resistant?"
December 27, 2010
Ordinary...Yet Not So Much
December 27 – Ordinary Joy Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?
There have been a lot of moments throughout my lifetime where I feel as though my memory records them down to the smallest aspects; that it turn is why I say that I have a photographic memory, not to mention I can recall things very easily. But I know something brings me joy when I almost literally have "happy tears" welling in my eyes. From being able to hug a close friend after not seeing them for the past two and a half years to just sitting on my swing-set by the lake, giving thanks for what I've been blessed with in my life.
There have also been many in 2010, but there are two in particular that stick out to me. The first was when we were in Colorado this past July (read about that trip here). It was our last day and we had just finished driving fourteen thousand and something feet down Pike's Peak. Spotting a resevoir on our way out, my parents thought it would be a good idea to stop and rest a bit before we began our seventeen hour drive home. While my Dad and brother did some fishing, us girls decided to do a little sight-seeing on our own.
We came upon a small lake/cove area not too far from the boys; although I had pondered this question time and again throughout the last four days, especially a clear one such as that. I looked around in awe, wondering "how in the heck could something like this just pop out of nowhere? How does anyone look at something like this and question whether or not God actually exists?
It was an incredibly beautiful moment; one that sent chills up and down my body. I realized right then and there that there is so much to see and experience beyond the beaches of Florida or Mexico. So much to experience, taste, hear, etc. And that one shouldn't allow their own fears or inhibitions to keep them from doing so.
It also dawned on me that there are a lot of things about life that are just too powerful to comprehend. We as humans ask for "proof" of certain things: proof of God, true love, and other various miracles. Yet, everyone sees such things in different ways, and full on proof would probably be so powerful to where we'd die in the process. And that's how I've come to the idea of belief, and why the concept of belief exists; there are some things that we'll never be able to "see" per say...they are better off as things that we feel.
The second moment took place only just recently, a day or so after I had come home for break: my mom, sister and I were baking cookies in the kitchen. Well, I spent more time trying to sneak raw cookie dough out of the bowl than anything else. My sister and I put flour all over our faces and began taking candid pictures of whatever we were doing: baking, my two dogs, hanging my school ornament that I had just bought on our Christmas tree. It's true that we had done stuff like this before, but this time it made me grateful to be home.
I sat down on the couch while we waited for the spritz cookies to bake in the oven. A Disney Christmas CD was playing softly in the background, the dogs had fallen asleep on the floor and the newly-decorated tree (the one that my family had waited for me to come home in order to decorate it) shined brightly by the stair case. Again, it was quite the sight to behold. I found it difficult to keep the tears at bay, because I had a feeling that neither my mother nor my sister would understand what I was feeling; that with each day, there is something meant to be savored. And the only way that one can do that is to just slow down, maybe even stop whatever they're doing, and take it in.
I used to complain (pretty frequently) about how I wasn't in sports like my siblings, and how it was unfair that they were getting awards and achievements and I wasn't. But now a days I find myself giving thanks; while I may not have near as many trophies to display or wins to brag about, I have an incredibly outlook on life; an outlook that I probably gained from not constantly being on the go all the time. When one is "busy mode" I believe they overlook or forget about the little things; there's always something that needs to be done, deadlines to be met, etc. And that is true for most people, but does that mean you have to do it right away?
My brother will be going into the air force this coming June; and after he leaves, I'll only get to see him a couple of times out of the year. We used to fight like hell, but I've learned to pick and choose my battles knowing that he'll only be around in these next five and a half months.
When you have a screaming baby in your arms, close your eyes. You're probably tired and aching for more than an hour of sleep...but that baby won't be a baby forever.
When you get stuck with your family and would rather be with your friends...just go with it. I've done that, and those times have turned out to be some of the best memories that I have.
When it's raining outside, don't hide under the covers and sleep the day away. Go splash in the puddles.
With every moment that you have...stop and take a picture. Out of everything, there will be something that you'll continue to remember.
December 25, 2010
Baby Don't Worry...
...about a thing, because every little thing is gonna be all right!
This was meant to be for yesterday, but I didn't have enough time to type it all out
December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?
There wasn't exactly a defining moment, so to speak. It was after my senior prom, and although it was one of the best nights of my life (probably the best dance that I'd been to in my high school career) I was honestly relieved that it was over. As it is with any formal night out, there was some amount of stress in the weeks leading up to it, and it was nice knowing that I could now relax and look forward to graduation and later going away to college.
Over time, I would come to realize that everything really does work out in the long run. That what doesn't kill you, really does make you stronger. That a lot of things in life are beyond our own comprehension, and often it's best to just let go and allow God to take care of the rest.
I used to look for signs in regards to the ending of particular hardship; sometimes it would be a glowing red-orange sunset over the lake. Occasionally, it would be a butterfly. Yet, there were also times when I wouldn't see any sort of sign at all. And than I would wonder if I was being punished for something and if I would come out of this tunnel unscathed.
I've been through enough where I've learned that regardless of how something painful is, or how long that hardship lasts, you eventually do get through it. It may take months, even years for you to feel "ok" again; but eventually, you will.
As I've grown up, I've come to the conclusion is that if we can take anything from the difficulties we face, it's growth. I would not know what I know now, nor would I be the person that I am today had it not been for the "downs" in life. I believe that's how we appreciate it; through not experiencing joy and happiness all the time. You have to have things taken away from you in order to learn not to take anything else for granted.
But as the saying goes, everything will be ok, in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.
This was meant to be for yesterday, but I didn't have enough time to type it all out
December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?
There wasn't exactly a defining moment, so to speak. It was after my senior prom, and although it was one of the best nights of my life (probably the best dance that I'd been to in my high school career) I was honestly relieved that it was over. As it is with any formal night out, there was some amount of stress in the weeks leading up to it, and it was nice knowing that I could now relax and look forward to graduation and later going away to college.
Over time, I would come to realize that everything really does work out in the long run. That what doesn't kill you, really does make you stronger. That a lot of things in life are beyond our own comprehension, and often it's best to just let go and allow God to take care of the rest.
I used to look for signs in regards to the ending of particular hardship; sometimes it would be a glowing red-orange sunset over the lake. Occasionally, it would be a butterfly. Yet, there were also times when I wouldn't see any sort of sign at all. And than I would wonder if I was being punished for something and if I would come out of this tunnel unscathed.
I've been through enough where I've learned that regardless of how something painful is, or how long that hardship lasts, you eventually do get through it. It may take months, even years for you to feel "ok" again; but eventually, you will.
As I've grown up, I've come to the conclusion is that if we can take anything from the difficulties we face, it's growth. I would not know what I know now, nor would I be the person that I am today had it not been for the "downs" in life. I believe that's how we appreciate it; through not experiencing joy and happiness all the time. You have to have things taken away from you in order to learn not to take anything else for granted.
But as the saying goes, everything will be ok, in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.
December 23, 2010
An Old Past-Time and a Wayside Dream
This post relates to the Reverb10 prompt that was given a couple of days ago (What did you not do in 2010 That you would like to do in 2011?) At the time I couldn't think of anything to write about; and since I feel that I have nothing to say in regards to today's prompt, I suppose I'll write about something else.
I used to love to sing; when I was a little girl, that was my passion. I used to mimic Britney Spears and the Spice Girls back in their heyday, and always tried my best to sound like them. When people asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I enthusiastically replied "a singer!" My relatives always added their input in various attempts to steer me in a different direction; they frequently suggested that I should go into some form of writing, preferably journalism. But as a seven to maybe a ten or eleven year old, I would not be swayed.
My Mom always aspired for us kids to have some kind of musical knowledge; from kindergarten to second grade I took piano lessons, mostly for the sake of strengthening my hand muscles. In fifth grade I expressed an interest in taking voice lessons, and from seventh grade to sophomore year in high school, I sang in the school choir.
There was also making up random songs as I went about my day; whether it was walking to class or doing chores around the house, I always sang at very random moments. It was due to this that my classmates gave me the nickname "the boombox" I believe there was a brief period where I spent more time singing than I did talking.
As I got older, that dream began to slowly fade; I suddenly began to notice how terrified I would get whenever I got up on stage to perform; my leg muscles tighten up when I get nervous, almost to the point where I start shaking. In turn, that always made focusing on the music very difficult. I also became insecure at how my voice sounded in the microphone (as it sounds over any type of electronic device); it was very squeaky and nasally, and I thought I sounded horrible.
Toward the middle of my sophomore year, I decided that this was as far (musically-speaking) as I was going to go; it just simply wasn't fun for me anymore and it felt like too much work. At the time, I vowed that aside from singing along to the radio and in passing, no one would ever hear me sing again, much less perform.
But there are times where I miss it; not necessarily the grueling practices or the vocal exercises. I definitely don't miss the butterflies tap-dancing in the pit of my stomach before every performance. But just in general, I miss it. And in 2011, there is a part of me that would like to face my fear and get up and sing just one more time. Maybe it'll be in a lame kareoke competition. Maybe it'll be at a random time in a random place. I really don't know; but what I do know is that I would like to sing again in front of my college friends, if only just once.
But in a more serious aspect, I would like to focus on my literary career...
I love to write, but I would love to also have my work published somehow; if you ask my friends, they'll tell you that I already have. But personally, I don't consider online to really be "published" It's not much of an acclaimed literary magazine, much less an acclaimed website.
I have submitted my stories to various contests, many of them yielding heavy-duty cash prizes as well as publishing your piece(s) in their magazine. The only quip I have with these things is that they cost fifteen, twenty, sometimes more bucks just to send something; and although I don't consider myself a "poor college kid" I just don't know if I can, or if I would even want to shell out that kind of money all the time. Perhaps a realistic goal would be to enter at least one contest each month? Yet I wonder just how much that would stack up eventually...
There is also a part of me that feels like I'm not fully equipped to be published just yet; I would like to take some writing classes and gain some more knowledge about the publishing industry in itself before I attempt to do anything major. And not only that, but I would prefer to start small and work my way up; just send in short stories to various literary publications and see where it goes. I do plan to turn those stories into novels, but as of this moment I'm not sure how. As I said before, I would like to better my craft a bit more.
However, I remember a conversation that I had with one of my high school english teachers awhile back: That when it came to taking the path of least resistance, I always hit the breaks because I got scared of taking on a challenge. It was a very painful thing to hear, but she was one hundred percent right. Regardless of what it is, I often avoid challenging myself for a fear of working my ass off and breaking my back will yield no results. In this case, I'm afraid of spending years and years writing and trying to publish something, only to receive repeated rejection.
I've been told that I should go into another field...and before I applied to any schools or universities, I thought about it: Psychology? I'm not a very patient person. Marketing and/or economics? I despise anything having to do with numbers. Teaching English classes? I don't like getting up in front of people and talking, and I honestly don't want to be standing up there teaching kids how to do something that deep in my heart I know I want to be doing. Marine biology? I'm in no way a science person. The list goes on...
When it all comes down to it, writing is the only thing that makes sense to me. Yes, I do want to be able to support myself financially; but what good is it to make money if you hate what you're doing?
I thought about possibly waiting a year to see what kinds of opportunities come up; yet, I've learned that sometimes there is no particular "right" moment or opportunity; you just have to do it and trust that there is something good to be found on the other side.
My biggest problem? Knowing where exactly to start.
I used to love to sing; when I was a little girl, that was my passion. I used to mimic Britney Spears and the Spice Girls back in their heyday, and always tried my best to sound like them. When people asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I enthusiastically replied "a singer!" My relatives always added their input in various attempts to steer me in a different direction; they frequently suggested that I should go into some form of writing, preferably journalism. But as a seven to maybe a ten or eleven year old, I would not be swayed.
My Mom always aspired for us kids to have some kind of musical knowledge; from kindergarten to second grade I took piano lessons, mostly for the sake of strengthening my hand muscles. In fifth grade I expressed an interest in taking voice lessons, and from seventh grade to sophomore year in high school, I sang in the school choir.
There was also making up random songs as I went about my day; whether it was walking to class or doing chores around the house, I always sang at very random moments. It was due to this that my classmates gave me the nickname "the boombox" I believe there was a brief period where I spent more time singing than I did talking.
As I got older, that dream began to slowly fade; I suddenly began to notice how terrified I would get whenever I got up on stage to perform; my leg muscles tighten up when I get nervous, almost to the point where I start shaking. In turn, that always made focusing on the music very difficult. I also became insecure at how my voice sounded in the microphone (as it sounds over any type of electronic device); it was very squeaky and nasally, and I thought I sounded horrible.
Toward the middle of my sophomore year, I decided that this was as far (musically-speaking) as I was going to go; it just simply wasn't fun for me anymore and it felt like too much work. At the time, I vowed that aside from singing along to the radio and in passing, no one would ever hear me sing again, much less perform.
But there are times where I miss it; not necessarily the grueling practices or the vocal exercises. I definitely don't miss the butterflies tap-dancing in the pit of my stomach before every performance. But just in general, I miss it. And in 2011, there is a part of me that would like to face my fear and get up and sing just one more time. Maybe it'll be in a lame kareoke competition. Maybe it'll be at a random time in a random place. I really don't know; but what I do know is that I would like to sing again in front of my college friends, if only just once.
But in a more serious aspect, I would like to focus on my literary career...
I love to write, but I would love to also have my work published somehow; if you ask my friends, they'll tell you that I already have. But personally, I don't consider online to really be "published" It's not much of an acclaimed literary magazine, much less an acclaimed website.
I have submitted my stories to various contests, many of them yielding heavy-duty cash prizes as well as publishing your piece(s) in their magazine. The only quip I have with these things is that they cost fifteen, twenty, sometimes more bucks just to send something; and although I don't consider myself a "poor college kid" I just don't know if I can, or if I would even want to shell out that kind of money all the time. Perhaps a realistic goal would be to enter at least one contest each month? Yet I wonder just how much that would stack up eventually...
There is also a part of me that feels like I'm not fully equipped to be published just yet; I would like to take some writing classes and gain some more knowledge about the publishing industry in itself before I attempt to do anything major. And not only that, but I would prefer to start small and work my way up; just send in short stories to various literary publications and see where it goes. I do plan to turn those stories into novels, but as of this moment I'm not sure how. As I said before, I would like to better my craft a bit more.
However, I remember a conversation that I had with one of my high school english teachers awhile back: That when it came to taking the path of least resistance, I always hit the breaks because I got scared of taking on a challenge. It was a very painful thing to hear, but she was one hundred percent right. Regardless of what it is, I often avoid challenging myself for a fear of working my ass off and breaking my back will yield no results. In this case, I'm afraid of spending years and years writing and trying to publish something, only to receive repeated rejection.
I've been told that I should go into another field...and before I applied to any schools or universities, I thought about it: Psychology? I'm not a very patient person. Marketing and/or economics? I despise anything having to do with numbers. Teaching English classes? I don't like getting up in front of people and talking, and I honestly don't want to be standing up there teaching kids how to do something that deep in my heart I know I want to be doing. Marine biology? I'm in no way a science person. The list goes on...
When it all comes down to it, writing is the only thing that makes sense to me. Yes, I do want to be able to support myself financially; but what good is it to make money if you hate what you're doing?
I thought about possibly waiting a year to see what kinds of opportunities come up; yet, I've learned that sometimes there is no particular "right" moment or opportunity; you just have to do it and trust that there is something good to be found on the other side.
My biggest problem? Knowing where exactly to start.
December 21, 2010
Future Self
December 21 – Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?
In 2011...
Stop taking yourself so damn seriously; you're constantly wondering what kind of impression you're giving the people around you; you want to be "different, but in a good way" and yet you feel the pull that most people your age feel when it comes to trying new things. There's no need to feel guilty about it, because chances are everyone goes through something like that. And by focusing too much on how you act around others, you will blindly start becoming someone you're not. Why? Mostly because you've done it before. So no matter what happens or whomever comes into your life, just be exactly who you are. Some will love and appreciate you for it, some won't. Keep being the sweetheart that you are and just live.
Don't worry about what may or may not happen in the coming year; Take each day as it comes and cherish things for what they are. Allow yourself to have bad days and to cry if you need to. If something is on your mind, let it out; the people that really matter will be there to listen and put their arms around you and take care of you. Be open to change; some things turn out to be better than you expected.
And now for a bonus, I will write a letter to the person that I was four years ago. I was fourteen/fifteen and a freshman in high school
Dear Fifteen year old self,
You're just coming from the top of the middle school totem poll and will now be at the bottom of the food chain once again; but this time it feels so much scarier because you're going to a different school than the majority of your friends, and you don't feel very confident in your decision to do so. You have found an amazing faith in God and are involved in a great church, yet your experiences that took place a couple of years ago are still holding you back and clouding your mind. And as much as I hate to say this, it will be part of the reason why you won't feel like you've gotten very much out of the next four years; because when it comes down to it, you're terrified of trusting new people. You still feel a sense of loyalty to your old friends and will spend most of this year and the next going back and forth between them. Don't stress out over it; allow yourself to get to know your classmates and stop worrying about the others. A good portion of them will continue to be a strong presence in your life, despite that you'll rarely see each other and won't exactly talk all the time. There are going to be so many people that come in and out your life that will make such a positive difference.
You're going to meet plenty of boys, I assure you. Sadly, a lot of them are going to focus on the superficial crap and not really pay all that much attention to you. Either that or you will become really close to them, only for them to walk out of your life somewhere down the road. You'll wonder what you did or said to make them do this, but it is not your fault and it never will be your fault. It's not that they didn't or haven't ever cared about you, its just that a lot of them make better friends than boyfriends They see that you're very mature for your age and may or may not be ready for that kind of relationship. Mostly, they probably don't know how to love you the way you want to and/or deserved to be loved.
In order for someone to love you, you have to first be able to love yourself (both the good and the bad qualities) you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and recognize that you're beautiful...because you are, without a doubt, both beauty on both the inside as well as the outside. It will take a long time for you to come to that conclusion; but nevertheless, you will get there
If there's one thing you will learn, it's to not think along the lines of "well, once this happens, things will get better." You have to realize that you cannot depend on your friends to make you happy; YOU have to be the one to make you happy. You have to be able to find the joys in each day and within yourself.
You will experience and equal amount of joy as well as pain; there will me moments where the feelings of depression will start to hit you again, and your self esteem will hit several lows. You're going to have your heart broken, mainly by the person that you considered to be your best friend, and someone that you had a real connection with; but it's not going to have anything to do with you. It will mostly be because of issues that he will deal with personally, and such issues that are beyond your help or control. Just know that God is going to take care of the both of you and everything will make sense in time.
You will grow in so many ways from all that you face in the next four years. Your hard work, determination, faith, and somewhat stubborn personality will eventually bring you to a place of peace and contentment. It will be a place where you feel free and full of life.
So no matter what happens, never forget to enjoy each moment that you're given and make the most of what you have.
All my love,
Your Current Self
In 2011...
Stop taking yourself so damn seriously; you're constantly wondering what kind of impression you're giving the people around you; you want to be "different, but in a good way" and yet you feel the pull that most people your age feel when it comes to trying new things. There's no need to feel guilty about it, because chances are everyone goes through something like that. And by focusing too much on how you act around others, you will blindly start becoming someone you're not. Why? Mostly because you've done it before. So no matter what happens or whomever comes into your life, just be exactly who you are. Some will love and appreciate you for it, some won't. Keep being the sweetheart that you are and just live.
Don't worry about what may or may not happen in the coming year; Take each day as it comes and cherish things for what they are. Allow yourself to have bad days and to cry if you need to. If something is on your mind, let it out; the people that really matter will be there to listen and put their arms around you and take care of you. Be open to change; some things turn out to be better than you expected.
And now for a bonus, I will write a letter to the person that I was four years ago. I was fourteen/fifteen and a freshman in high school
Dear Fifteen year old self,
You're just coming from the top of the middle school totem poll and will now be at the bottom of the food chain once again; but this time it feels so much scarier because you're going to a different school than the majority of your friends, and you don't feel very confident in your decision to do so. You have found an amazing faith in God and are involved in a great church, yet your experiences that took place a couple of years ago are still holding you back and clouding your mind. And as much as I hate to say this, it will be part of the reason why you won't feel like you've gotten very much out of the next four years; because when it comes down to it, you're terrified of trusting new people. You still feel a sense of loyalty to your old friends and will spend most of this year and the next going back and forth between them. Don't stress out over it; allow yourself to get to know your classmates and stop worrying about the others. A good portion of them will continue to be a strong presence in your life, despite that you'll rarely see each other and won't exactly talk all the time. There are going to be so many people that come in and out your life that will make such a positive difference.
You're going to meet plenty of boys, I assure you. Sadly, a lot of them are going to focus on the superficial crap and not really pay all that much attention to you. Either that or you will become really close to them, only for them to walk out of your life somewhere down the road. You'll wonder what you did or said to make them do this, but it is not your fault and it never will be your fault. It's not that they didn't or haven't ever cared about you, its just that a lot of them make better friends than boyfriends They see that you're very mature for your age and may or may not be ready for that kind of relationship. Mostly, they probably don't know how to love you the way you want to and/or deserved to be loved.
In order for someone to love you, you have to first be able to love yourself (both the good and the bad qualities) you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and recognize that you're beautiful...because you are, without a doubt, both beauty on both the inside as well as the outside. It will take a long time for you to come to that conclusion; but nevertheless, you will get there
If there's one thing you will learn, it's to not think along the lines of "well, once this happens, things will get better." You have to realize that you cannot depend on your friends to make you happy; YOU have to be the one to make you happy. You have to be able to find the joys in each day and within yourself.
You will experience and equal amount of joy as well as pain; there will me moments where the feelings of depression will start to hit you again, and your self esteem will hit several lows. You're going to have your heart broken, mainly by the person that you considered to be your best friend, and someone that you had a real connection with; but it's not going to have anything to do with you. It will mostly be because of issues that he will deal with personally, and such issues that are beyond your help or control. Just know that God is going to take care of the both of you and everything will make sense in time.
You will grow in so many ways from all that you face in the next four years. Your hard work, determination, faith, and somewhat stubborn personality will eventually bring you to a place of peace and contentment. It will be a place where you feel free and full of life.
So no matter what happens, never forget to enjoy each moment that you're given and make the most of what you have.
All my love,
Your Current Self
December 19, 2010
Healing From The Past
December 19 – Healing What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?
There have been a lot of people that have told me how much I've changed since I've been away; they hear it in my voice, they see it in my face, and they know from what I write on this blog. Someone who once said that I wouldn't survive my first semester recently told me just how proud they felt at the strides I've made. Even I look back in amazement and think "wow, I really am different, aren't I?"
About five or six years ago, I went through a pretty rough patch in my life; it took a huge toll on my self-esteem and had a negative affect on my attitude. Granted, the troubles in themselves only lasted from sixth to eighth grade, but the pain, anger and loneliness continued on through high school. It was something that felt impossible to rise above; I began to accept that maybe I would always have to deal with it, and that it would never go away.
I realize that I say this pretty frequently, but I whole-heartedly believe that going away to college was what turned me around. During the first three or four weeks, it was as though I could finally breathe; I could get to know people without having to explain myself or have them look at at me like they didn't get what I was talking about. There were so many opportunities and things to do that I wasn't able to do back home. I just felt...free.
It wasn't something that I thought about constantly, but I guess over time I began to let go of those negative thoughts; I hated feeling like I couldn't fully trust anybody, along with being a complete pessimist. I can't over-emphasize enough that the way you look at circumstances and the way you handle them really does affect the way you live your life. I was in a new place with new people and I didn't want them to see me as an "Eyore", basically (that's what my Mom used to jokingly call me when I was having a bad day or in a bad mood).
That's where I have experienced the most healing this year; I had broken the chains years ago, but for the longest time I felt as though I couldn't completely shake them. And I guess for some people, you have to be able to get completely out of town, or completely out of state for that to happen.
I've come to see that it's a day by day, sometimes moment by moment process. It's not my main focus when I wake up in the morning or go to sleep at night, but I do catch myself occasionally wondering if certain people really care about me or just simply slipping back into that old mindset. To keep me from doing so, I limit my time on the computer and don't really carry my cell phone with me unless I have to. I write in my journal or work on whatever story project I have in mind. I read and I exercise. I pray. I ultimately get out of my room and keep myself busy.
My current struggle right now is not beating myself up when I have a bad day, or going to someone and venting it all out when I need to. Due to what I've experienced previously, I sometimes tell myself that I should always be happy, despite knowing deep down that doing so isn't possible; there is just no way of avoiding the "downs" of life. In retrospect, it's all about how you deal with those difficult seasons.
The other thing is being able to go to someone and talk about it; or if I can't talk about it, just ask them to simply give me a hug (honestly, that tends to do just enough; maybe even more than talking). Again, I want my loved ones to see me as a light-hearted, bubbly young woman. There are certain friends of mine as well as family members that have seen me at some very difficult lows; I feel bad going to them because I feel as though I've put them through enough already. In essence, that's why I've rarely called my Mom if I'm upset while at school; she worries about me enough as it is.
But in hindsight, that's how we develop relationships; we bond over laughter as well as tears. One can only carry a burden (or multiple burdens) for so long on their own. Eventually, you have to ask for help.
I don't think "healing" is the right word for 2011; however, I would like to continue to grow and blossom as I've been doing thus far in 2010. That, and not take myself too seriously.
Someone once asked me "Whatever happened to that happy, giggly girl I once knew?"
Well, it took awhile...but I'm back. And feeling better than ever!
December 17, 2010
Taking Chances and Taking Time
December 17 – Lesson Learned What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?
The biggest lesson I've learned (so far) is that if you want something, often times you have to go get it. And in order to do such, you're going to have to get out of your comfort zone. For me personally, it can be both terrifying as hell, not to mention difficult; I have a bit of an (over) active imagination, and there are times when I will sit there and stew over the "what if's" and possible outcomes rather than just finding out for myself. The key thing is not constantly thinking about it; just do it and realize that regardless of what comes afterward, you're going to be all right.
I can recall a lot of things that have taken so much courage, that at times I wonder how I actually did it: going to a high school without knowing very many people. Learning how to drive a car. Asking someone to go to prom with me. There are a dozen other things that I've done since going into college as well; things that I've never really thought I would do.
I've realized that the reward doesn't come from what happens as a result of a taking a chance; it's what we learn and gain in the process. When you start letting go of your inhibitions, you get used to it and therefore, become more comfortable with doing so. I, personally, have gained so much confidence from the experiences that I've had thus far; I've also learned that you really aren't going to accomplish anything or get what you want if you don't have confidence in yourself.
It has made me feel confident, fierce and dare I say it? rather attractive (and that's putting it appropriately). I'm slowly getting to where I feel as though I can walk walk into a room and own the place. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm getting there.
It's true that there are things in life that happen on their own. I firmly believe that there are certain things that you can't exactly force (love, for instance), but there are opportunities to find out if it's there. If you see someone that you feel undeniably attracted to; there's just something about them that for some reason you cannot get them out of your head and you always want to be around them....well, go find out if it's actually there.
There is such a thing as timing, but there is also opportunity. You will only get so many of them, and unfortunately it seems impossible to know when it's right. The only thing you can really do is trust your instincts; if you hear a small voice telling you do it now, you probably should.
Sometimes you have to do things that completely scare the crap out of you; if you don't, you'll never get anywhere in life.
Which leads me into my second point; that the most worthwhile and beautiful things in life are the things that take time. Sure, you've gotten off your ass and actually introduced yourself, but now you have to get to know them and ultimately build a foundation. You may have taken the first step on your career ladder, but there are still many steps to go. It's going to take time and a lot of effort, and it may or may not be as easy as you think. That in general can be frustrating to me, because I'm not a patient person. When I set a goal for myself, I often think "Ok, let's get the ball rolling here!" but in reality, most things don't just happen overnight.
The most beautiful things in life: love, friendship, whatever purpose we have....it takes time. And by taking time, you allow yourself the ability to grow, to cherish, and to always remember for the rest of your life.
December 16, 2010
What Friendship Has Taught Me
December 16 – Friendship How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?
To be honest, there wasn't, nor has there been any particular person thus far that I can think of; but in general, I have learned quite a bit about friendship this past year. The first big lesson was before my high school graduation, when I began to realize just how many friends I subconsciously put on the back-burner for so many years, especially when we got into middle school. I spent so much time either trying to manage or salvage relationships that just weren't there anymore. Admittedly, the ones that were there throughout that difficult period were the ones I brushed aside and wound up taking for granted. Before we went off to college I wanted to make sure that they knew how much of a blessing they had been to me; and I hope that they still know that now.
It wasn't until I got into college, mainly during the last couple of months, that I really learned a lot about letting go. I've always been fiercely loyal to almost everyone in my life, and for years had this notion that if someone came into my life, they would be in it forever. Unfortunately, I've had to learn a least a half a dozen times over that that is not always the case; as the saying goes, "people come into your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime...and you just have to appreciate whatever time you have." It can be a sad and difficult truth to absorb, but a truth nonetheless.
Whether this be habit or just denial, I often forget that God has the ability to give as well as take away; and when a person suddenly stops talking to me, calling me, or acts stand-offish, I used to take it personally. Now I know that most of the time it's either because they've served their purpose, or perhaps they shouldn't have been a part of my life in the first place. In some cases, it may be due to their own personal issues that are just too big and complicated for me to handle.
But there comes a point where you have to simply let them go; and as hard as that may be, there is a certain freedom to it. You no longer have to put so much time and energy into something that may not be there anymore. Maybe you were only seeing what you wanted to see, and them walking away was the only way you could see what was there all along. You enable yourself to focus on what you do have and what you can have with others, and to stop living in the past.
And it's also rather interesting to see what new doors can be opened after the old ones are closed.
However, the most peculiar observation I've made is meeting new people and forming new friendships. There is so much beauty in meeting someone for the first time as well as getting to know them. Some of my most cherished memories with loved ones are simply the times that I sat down and talked with them. There is so much one can learn through a single conversation.
Even better than that, while doing such I've had the ability to experience a sense of authenticity between myself and those that I've become close with these days. I believe it's because I'm not carrying as much baggage as I used to, and I no longer feel so easily distrusting toward others. No, I don't go spilling out my life story the second I learn their name; but at the same time, I don't feel the need to hide who I am. There are those that become taken aback by that, but the way I see it, it's my chance to shine.
The most powerful lesson, in my opinion, can only be summed up through this saying:
To be honest, there wasn't, nor has there been any particular person thus far that I can think of; but in general, I have learned quite a bit about friendship this past year. The first big lesson was before my high school graduation, when I began to realize just how many friends I subconsciously put on the back-burner for so many years, especially when we got into middle school. I spent so much time either trying to manage or salvage relationships that just weren't there anymore. Admittedly, the ones that were there throughout that difficult period were the ones I brushed aside and wound up taking for granted. Before we went off to college I wanted to make sure that they knew how much of a blessing they had been to me; and I hope that they still know that now.
It wasn't until I got into college, mainly during the last couple of months, that I really learned a lot about letting go. I've always been fiercely loyal to almost everyone in my life, and for years had this notion that if someone came into my life, they would be in it forever. Unfortunately, I've had to learn a least a half a dozen times over that that is not always the case; as the saying goes, "people come into your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime...and you just have to appreciate whatever time you have." It can be a sad and difficult truth to absorb, but a truth nonetheless.
Whether this be habit or just denial, I often forget that God has the ability to give as well as take away; and when a person suddenly stops talking to me, calling me, or acts stand-offish, I used to take it personally. Now I know that most of the time it's either because they've served their purpose, or perhaps they shouldn't have been a part of my life in the first place. In some cases, it may be due to their own personal issues that are just too big and complicated for me to handle.
But there comes a point where you have to simply let them go; and as hard as that may be, there is a certain freedom to it. You no longer have to put so much time and energy into something that may not be there anymore. Maybe you were only seeing what you wanted to see, and them walking away was the only way you could see what was there all along. You enable yourself to focus on what you do have and what you can have with others, and to stop living in the past.
And it's also rather interesting to see what new doors can be opened after the old ones are closed.
However, the most peculiar observation I've made is meeting new people and forming new friendships. There is so much beauty in meeting someone for the first time as well as getting to know them. Some of my most cherished memories with loved ones are simply the times that I sat down and talked with them. There is so much one can learn through a single conversation.
Even better than that, while doing such I've had the ability to experience a sense of authenticity between myself and those that I've become close with these days. I believe it's because I'm not carrying as much baggage as I used to, and I no longer feel so easily distrusting toward others. No, I don't go spilling out my life story the second I learn their name; but at the same time, I don't feel the need to hide who I am. There are those that become taken aback by that, but the way I see it, it's my chance to shine.
The most powerful lesson, in my opinion, can only be summed up through this saying:
true friends are not the ones that you always see every day or tell all your secrets to; they're the ones that will be happy when you laugh, hold you when you cry, and regardless of what happens, will look at you and say "I love you EXACTLY the way you are
December 15, 2010
My Favorite Christmas Memory
It has just suddenly dawned on me that Christmas is about a week or so away; I guess you really don't think about those things when you're insanely busy with studying and final semester projects as opposed to decorating and buying gifts (admittedly I was lazy this year and will most likely do that when I get back). But now that I'm able to focus on things other then trying not to bomb environmental science, I have randomly begun to think about my favorite Christmas memories from years' past. It's interesting how much one remembers; heck, I'm surprised at how much I remember.
When I was a child I always thought it was getting piles of gifts under the tree or sledding with my siblings and neighbors until our bodies were frostbitten and numb. As I got a little older, it went from that to the craziness of present-shopping for friends and family. Yet at this point in my life, it was something that I didn't realize represents one of the true meanings of Christmas, at least until now.
It was the last day of school before winter break and the teachers had agreed to let us watch "Elf" as a way to kick back and relax. When the movie ended, I saw one of the teachers come in holding a handful of Christmas cards with candy canes taped to them; in other words, the candy grams.
As silly as it sounds, it was a pretty big deal for my twelve year-old self back then. Heck, it seemed like it was for a lot of the girls; receiving them was an even bigger deal. I guess for some, it was either a way to find out if the guy you had a crush actually liked you back or to just flaunt your own popularity. All I knew was that deep down, I desperately wanted one.
A million conversations broke out as the teachers began to pass them around individually. One half of me was trying to pretend that I didn't care about what was going on, and the other half was silently hoping that maybe this time, things would be different. I kept looking around and couldn't help but notice just how many some of my classmates were getting; I kid you not, I think there were certain girls that got seven or perhaps more than that. I continued to do my best at being interested in other people's reactions, but it was getting harder to conceal my disappointment.
However, I was able to snap out of my self pity for a moment to see a teacher hand me a card with a candy cane taped to the back of it. This was for me? Really? I was half-way between surprise and disbelief. It was a red card that had a little puppy dog on the front with a cute saying; when I turned over the back to read it, it only simply said "Merry Christmas" along with my name written at the very top so that whomever made the deliveries would know who it was for.
I couldn't help but wonder who it was from; the joy I had felt very briefly turned to pain at the notion that this just might be a prank. A month or so before that, someone had slipped a note into my math binder claiming that a certain boy was in love with me. Thankfully I was smart enough not to buy into it, but at the time I truly didn't understand why people would waste time pulling crap like that.
My Mother assured me that that was was not the case; while at home over break, I constantly questioned and debated as to who might be the mysterious sender. Suffice to say, I suspected who it might be and didn't find out about it until school resumed in January. Yet, I will not give much indication because I believe that it's not relevant to what this post is about or why I consider it to be so incredibly special. But I will say that he was a good friend, and he still is a good friend now.
It seems silly that I can still recall stuff like this, and even more silly that I made such a big deal about a paper card and an uneaten candy cane. At that time in my life, I was having a really tough time with self-confidence, school and being able to accept myself for exactly who I was. The following months would be the beginning of my silent struggle with depressive thoughts; and for a few weeks or so, that was something that brought a little joy into a particular frustrating season.
My point is that everything you do, both good and bad, will affect someone. The truth is, you really don't know what kind of day he/she may be having or what they could be going through at that moment; and the smallest thing, such as saying hello or smiling can make such a difference. Granted, this probably has been reiterated as well, but Christmas is also the season to give; yet, it's not the only season. That's why I've made it my goal to do something for at least one person each day. It doesn't always happen, but nonetheless, I do what I can.
If you think you can do something to light up someone's eyes...just imagine what you can do to light up someone's life.
When I was a child I always thought it was getting piles of gifts under the tree or sledding with my siblings and neighbors until our bodies were frostbitten and numb. As I got a little older, it went from that to the craziness of present-shopping for friends and family. Yet at this point in my life, it was something that I didn't realize represents one of the true meanings of Christmas, at least until now.
It was the last day of school before winter break and the teachers had agreed to let us watch "Elf" as a way to kick back and relax. When the movie ended, I saw one of the teachers come in holding a handful of Christmas cards with candy canes taped to them; in other words, the candy grams.
As silly as it sounds, it was a pretty big deal for my twelve year-old self back then. Heck, it seemed like it was for a lot of the girls; receiving them was an even bigger deal. I guess for some, it was either a way to find out if the guy you had a crush actually liked you back or to just flaunt your own popularity. All I knew was that deep down, I desperately wanted one.
A million conversations broke out as the teachers began to pass them around individually. One half of me was trying to pretend that I didn't care about what was going on, and the other half was silently hoping that maybe this time, things would be different. I kept looking around and couldn't help but notice just how many some of my classmates were getting; I kid you not, I think there were certain girls that got seven or perhaps more than that. I continued to do my best at being interested in other people's reactions, but it was getting harder to conceal my disappointment.
However, I was able to snap out of my self pity for a moment to see a teacher hand me a card with a candy cane taped to the back of it. This was for me? Really? I was half-way between surprise and disbelief. It was a red card that had a little puppy dog on the front with a cute saying; when I turned over the back to read it, it only simply said "Merry Christmas" along with my name written at the very top so that whomever made the deliveries would know who it was for.
I couldn't help but wonder who it was from; the joy I had felt very briefly turned to pain at the notion that this just might be a prank. A month or so before that, someone had slipped a note into my math binder claiming that a certain boy was in love with me. Thankfully I was smart enough not to buy into it, but at the time I truly didn't understand why people would waste time pulling crap like that.
My Mother assured me that that was was not the case; while at home over break, I constantly questioned and debated as to who might be the mysterious sender. Suffice to say, I suspected who it might be and didn't find out about it until school resumed in January. Yet, I will not give much indication because I believe that it's not relevant to what this post is about or why I consider it to be so incredibly special. But I will say that he was a good friend, and he still is a good friend now.
It seems silly that I can still recall stuff like this, and even more silly that I made such a big deal about a paper card and an uneaten candy cane. At that time in my life, I was having a really tough time with self-confidence, school and being able to accept myself for exactly who I was. The following months would be the beginning of my silent struggle with depressive thoughts; and for a few weeks or so, that was something that brought a little joy into a particular frustrating season.
My point is that everything you do, both good and bad, will affect someone. The truth is, you really don't know what kind of day he/she may be having or what they could be going through at that moment; and the smallest thing, such as saying hello or smiling can make such a difference. Granted, this probably has been reiterated as well, but Christmas is also the season to give; yet, it's not the only season. That's why I've made it my goal to do something for at least one person each day. It doesn't always happen, but nonetheless, I do what I can.
If you think you can do something to light up someone's eyes...just imagine what you can do to light up someone's life.
December 14, 2010
For this, I am grateful
December 14 – Appreciate What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?
In just a few hours I'll be taking my last final, and therefore officially ending my first semester as a college student. It's odd to think about how the last four months have gone by so quickly; it felt like only a short time ago that I was moving into my dorm for the first time, and now I'm preparing to head home for about a month. But at this moment, I'm taking some time to think about those one hundred and twenty or so days, and what they've meant to me.
I don't know if I could pick just one particular thing out of this past year that I appreciate; but if I could pick a season, it would definitely be this one. Why this, other then my last semester in high school, I can't be sure of: maybe because it's the first time that I've felt genuinely happy in a very long time. Maybe it's because for once, I'm not saying to myself "I just have to get through this and things will get better." The time that I spend at college is not just a means of getting a degree or partying until I burn out; it's about being able to experience different things, learning how to live as an adult, and not taking it all for granted in the process.
In regards to appreciation, the first thing that pops into my head is my family. Let me tell you, if there is one thing that will without a doubt come to miss when you're away from home, it's your family. Yet, I feel like I've become a lot closer to them because of it. I have a much better relationship with my parents especially, being that I am no longer just their child and am growing to an adult. There's more of an open-ness and authenticity, and it's one of the things that helps me stay grounded. If I hadn't shared certain things with them, I don't know if certain difficulties would have worked out the way they did.
Secondly, I appreciate the people that I've met and developed close relationships thus far; I have a lot of interesting adventures with them, both good and bad: from staying up talking about various subjects until three o'clock in the morning or walking all the way across campus in ten degree weather trying to get a party (only to not get in). There are people that I've disagreed with and at times felt as though each of us were seeing specific situations in a completely different way. But nonetheless, I've come to love every one of them and thank God for allowing them to be in my life.
It's hard for me to show those people that I appreciate them without getting incredibly sappy about it; hopefully they know that I am grateful for them when I hug them or when I simply say "I love you." I do cry at times; not from tears of pain, but rather unexplainable joy and gratitude. I know that I will not have all of this forever, and I don't want to look back on it wondering what I could have done differently.
I probably sound like someone that's way older than eighteen and a half when I talk about this kind of stuff. Honestly, I wonder if some people read my posts and wonder what in the heck I am talking about, because I probably don't sound like you're average college girl. But the thing is, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not just an average college girl, and I don't want to be like that. I've gone through seasons of life where I've taken every single day for granted, and I'd rather not do that either.
I don't see myself as someone that is lucky. I see myself as someone that is blessed. And those blessings, both big and small, will not go uncounted.
December 13, 2010
Stop thinking and start doing!
December 13 – Action
When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?
I'm very much a dreamer; I go for hours, sometimes an entire night thinking about something that I want to accomplish (especially if my Ipod is on). My biggest problem is that I'll often just think about it and do nothing else; but what I've learned is that in a lot of cases if you really want something, you have to turn the music off, get off your butt and go get it.
As I discussed in my previous post, I'm a writing major, yet haven't exactly felt as though I've had enough time to sit down and put my pencil to paper, shall we say (Ok, more like my finger to the keyboard these days). Once finals are over and done with, I would like to be able to actually sit down and write; I have various ideas in my head, so I think the hard part will be trying to decide which project to tackle first (maybe I'll do both). There is one that I envision to be a fictional piece; a love story that takes place in a different decade and will ultimately take some research.
The other idea is a personal essay; not so much for a particular class, but something that I've been wanting to write about for a few weeks. Yet, it has a lot to do with a particular issue that has tends to come up constantly between my friends and I, and I don't want them to view it as a personal attack; when it comes to personal reflective writing, I never mean to attack anyone, but rather try to make a point. Again, that will take some time, as well as a lot of editing. The good news is that I believe the title might just be what I may call my memoir someday; that is, if I ever choose to write one. But right now, I don't feel like I've had enough experiences to actually write about something that will matter.
Some other goals have a lot to do with just getting out and trying new things; I would like to start meeting more people, and getting to better know the ones that I already have met. Another thing would be getting more involved with the community; admittedly, I went to a couple of meetings and didn't completely follow through with getting involved in some organizations. Perhaps if there is a way at this point, I would like to start volunteering somewhere; I've always enjoyed being around older people, and I believe there is a senior center around here on campus. And although I can't actually make this happen, but if it's something that's meant to be, maybe I can possibly join a sorority chapter of some kind.
If I could put my hopes for the second semester into one word, it would be ambitious. Ambitious in the sense that I may not just think or dream, but actually do and accomplish.
The other idea is a personal essay; not so much for a particular class, but something that I've been wanting to write about for a few weeks. Yet, it has a lot to do with a particular issue that has tends to come up constantly between my friends and I, and I don't want them to view it as a personal attack; when it comes to personal reflective writing, I never mean to attack anyone, but rather try to make a point. Again, that will take some time, as well as a lot of editing. The good news is that I believe the title might just be what I may call my memoir someday; that is, if I ever choose to write one. But right now, I don't feel like I've had enough experiences to actually write about something that will matter.
Some other goals have a lot to do with just getting out and trying new things; I would like to start meeting more people, and getting to better know the ones that I already have met. Another thing would be getting more involved with the community; admittedly, I went to a couple of meetings and didn't completely follow through with getting involved in some organizations. Perhaps if there is a way at this point, I would like to start volunteering somewhere; I've always enjoyed being around older people, and I believe there is a senior center around here on campus. And although I can't actually make this happen, but if it's something that's meant to be, maybe I can possibly join a sorority chapter of some kind.
If I could put my hopes for the second semester into one word, it would be ambitious. Ambitious in the sense that I may not just think or dream, but actually do and accomplish.
December 10, 2010
Going My Own Way
December 10 – Wisdom Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?
No matter what I told anyone, my hopes for my future college plans were always met with skepticism and uncertainty; "are you sure? It's such a big school!"
I would look that person straight in the face and answer with a simple "yes I've never been more sure of anything in a very long time." And that was the truth.
For months I had been debating this, both with family members, friends and within my own mind. Deciding what college to go to wasn't a decision that I was taking lightly; it would involve a lot of financial sacrifices, and I didn't want to have to constantly be wondering if I made the right decision (as I did in high school). It was something that I researched, prayed about and thought about daily.
And despite the responses that I was getting for my impending decision (I had one person tell me that there was no way in hell I would survive there), I knew in my heart that that was what I wanted; heck, I had been wanting to go there since I was a sophomore. It was just a matter of ignoring all the self-doubt and tuning out the doubts that were coming from others around me.
So when I received my acceptance letter (well, more like looked online) it took me all but five minutes to officially decide where I would be going to school for the next four years. Since then I have not looked back.
The wisest thing I did this year was not listen to what everyone else was saying, and instead I followed my instincts. I guess that's probably the wisest thing for anyone to do in general, but for me it was more of a triumph then anything I've done up to this point. Up until my senior year in high school, I had always allowed myself to be influenced by someone else's opinion (or multiple opinions) when it came to making decisions. When I was very young, there were decisions that were made for me. I never really felt satisfied by those choices because I was doing what I felt I needed to do, not what I wanted to do.
But this time, it was different. For once, I would be doing something that was going to make me happy. I was walking on my own path and whatever anyone else said at that point would just go in one ear and out the other.
Today, I feel as though I have more joy in my life; it has changed me in ways and given me opportunities that I never thought to be possible. More so, it's proof that if something is meant to be, it will be.
Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been easy; there have been struggles that I've had to deal with, and I don't always make the healthiest decisions (physically or emotionally). But you know what? I don't regret any of it. Everything that you experience in life will affect you one way or the other; but it's up to you to choose what to do with it.
I have defied so many odds since the moment I was born; I believe that if I work hard enough for it and if it feels right, it can happen. I once read in a book that you don't face obstacles just to keep you from doing something; obstacles are there to help you see just how badly you want something. I've run into plenty of walls and will keep doing so as time goes on; but just because it might take awhile doesn't mean that I won't eventually kick them down.
No matter what I told anyone, my hopes for my future college plans were always met with skepticism and uncertainty; "are you sure? It's such a big school!"
I would look that person straight in the face and answer with a simple "yes I've never been more sure of anything in a very long time." And that was the truth.
For months I had been debating this, both with family members, friends and within my own mind. Deciding what college to go to wasn't a decision that I was taking lightly; it would involve a lot of financial sacrifices, and I didn't want to have to constantly be wondering if I made the right decision (as I did in high school). It was something that I researched, prayed about and thought about daily.
And despite the responses that I was getting for my impending decision (I had one person tell me that there was no way in hell I would survive there), I knew in my heart that that was what I wanted; heck, I had been wanting to go there since I was a sophomore. It was just a matter of ignoring all the self-doubt and tuning out the doubts that were coming from others around me.
So when I received my acceptance letter (well, more like looked online) it took me all but five minutes to officially decide where I would be going to school for the next four years. Since then I have not looked back.
The wisest thing I did this year was not listen to what everyone else was saying, and instead I followed my instincts. I guess that's probably the wisest thing for anyone to do in general, but for me it was more of a triumph then anything I've done up to this point. Up until my senior year in high school, I had always allowed myself to be influenced by someone else's opinion (or multiple opinions) when it came to making decisions. When I was very young, there were decisions that were made for me. I never really felt satisfied by those choices because I was doing what I felt I needed to do, not what I wanted to do.
But this time, it was different. For once, I would be doing something that was going to make me happy. I was walking on my own path and whatever anyone else said at that point would just go in one ear and out the other.
Today, I feel as though I have more joy in my life; it has changed me in ways and given me opportunities that I never thought to be possible. More so, it's proof that if something is meant to be, it will be.
Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been easy; there have been struggles that I've had to deal with, and I don't always make the healthiest decisions (physically or emotionally). But you know what? I don't regret any of it. Everything that you experience in life will affect you one way or the other; but it's up to you to choose what to do with it.
I have defied so many odds since the moment I was born; I believe that if I work hard enough for it and if it feels right, it can happen. I once read in a book that you don't face obstacles just to keep you from doing something; obstacles are there to help you see just how badly you want something. I've run into plenty of walls and will keep doing so as time goes on; but just because it might take awhile doesn't mean that I won't eventually kick them down.
December 08, 2010
Whats makes ME different...really does make me beautiful
December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful
I tend to have trouble with topics like this because I don't want to come off as though I'm bragging about myself or that I have a snobby attitude. But then I realized that it's perfectly ok to list the good qualities about yourself; in our culture, all people seem to do these days is beat themselves up for their mistakes or the qualities that they cannot stand about themselves. I think it's important to take some time when you can and think about what you absolutely LOVE- what you believe that people love about you.
My attitude/outlook on life is something that I find to be different as well as beautiful. Growing up, I became incredibly observant because I spent more time watching people do things than I actually did them myself; I dabbled in sports over the years, but I always found it much better (and easier) to either stick my nose in a book or try to understand what was going on in my siblings' athletic activities. Therefore, I began to notice things that most people didn't. When I began to enter my teenage years, I always had time to think, reflect and question. And because of both of those things, I believe my maturity level went up a lot faster than most of my peers; that's probably the reason why I connect better with those of older age groups.
It can be a double-edged sword: when some (or many) don't see your perspective on certain aspects, it can and most certainly does get frustrating. I don't normally discuss this much, but there have been moments in my life where I've felt completely excluded; thats why I hate it when people just make assumptions about what I'm physically able to do (or not do, in some cases) as opposed to talking to me about it and trying to grasp where I'm coming from.
In regards to thinking, I know that I over thing and over analyze situations and ideas. In turn, that causes my insecurities to flare up like older ulcer wounds that I thought had been healed a long time ago. My over-active imagination will occasionally get the best of me when it comes to that kind of stuff, but I wouldn't trade it for anything; the way I think and my thoughts on life in general are translated into my writing. Without that, I don't think I would be the writer that I am today.
The second difference I cherish about myself is how I always do my best to love other people, no matter what kind of person they are. I do this not just because I love making people smile or being a good friend, but also because I know what it's like to not feel accepted or appreciated exactly as you are. I firmly stand by the quote "Do unto others as you would want done unto you"
I'm sure there are those that wonder why I love hugs so much; physical touch is not only my love language (the way that people can show love to me) but it's my own way of saying that I care about someone (I have really strong arms and have a habit of squeezing the crap out of people; please don't take it as me trying to hurt you if that happens). To me, the best way of expressing how you feel about someone through a hug, kiss or any form of physical affection, speaks more volumes than words ever could.
Does what I mentioned above make me better than anyone and everyone else? Definitely not. But allows me to better handle the circumstances that I face each day and also enables me to live a much more joyful and satisfying life. I am human and I do make mistakes, but I think it's wonderful to be reminded of why I am here: to not only live my own life, but to make a difference in the lives of others as well.
I tend to have trouble with topics like this because I don't want to come off as though I'm bragging about myself or that I have a snobby attitude. But then I realized that it's perfectly ok to list the good qualities about yourself; in our culture, all people seem to do these days is beat themselves up for their mistakes or the qualities that they cannot stand about themselves. I think it's important to take some time when you can and think about what you absolutely LOVE- what you believe that people love about you.
My attitude/outlook on life is something that I find to be different as well as beautiful. Growing up, I became incredibly observant because I spent more time watching people do things than I actually did them myself; I dabbled in sports over the years, but I always found it much better (and easier) to either stick my nose in a book or try to understand what was going on in my siblings' athletic activities. Therefore, I began to notice things that most people didn't. When I began to enter my teenage years, I always had time to think, reflect and question. And because of both of those things, I believe my maturity level went up a lot faster than most of my peers; that's probably the reason why I connect better with those of older age groups.
It can be a double-edged sword: when some (or many) don't see your perspective on certain aspects, it can and most certainly does get frustrating. I don't normally discuss this much, but there have been moments in my life where I've felt completely excluded; thats why I hate it when people just make assumptions about what I'm physically able to do (or not do, in some cases) as opposed to talking to me about it and trying to grasp where I'm coming from.
In regards to thinking, I know that I over thing and over analyze situations and ideas. In turn, that causes my insecurities to flare up like older ulcer wounds that I thought had been healed a long time ago. My over-active imagination will occasionally get the best of me when it comes to that kind of stuff, but I wouldn't trade it for anything; the way I think and my thoughts on life in general are translated into my writing. Without that, I don't think I would be the writer that I am today.
The second difference I cherish about myself is how I always do my best to love other people, no matter what kind of person they are. I do this not just because I love making people smile or being a good friend, but also because I know what it's like to not feel accepted or appreciated exactly as you are. I firmly stand by the quote "Do unto others as you would want done unto you"
I'm sure there are those that wonder why I love hugs so much; physical touch is not only my love language (the way that people can show love to me) but it's my own way of saying that I care about someone (I have really strong arms and have a habit of squeezing the crap out of people; please don't take it as me trying to hurt you if that happens). To me, the best way of expressing how you feel about someone through a hug, kiss or any form of physical affection, speaks more volumes than words ever could.
Does what I mentioned above make me better than anyone and everyone else? Definitely not. But allows me to better handle the circumstances that I face each day and also enables me to live a much more joyful and satisfying life. I am human and I do make mistakes, but I think it's wonderful to be reminded of why I am here: to not only live my own life, but to make a difference in the lives of others as well.
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