Just Let Go

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?


I've had to do a lot of letting go this year, mostly in regards to people. At the beginning of 2010, I had been on the outs with a friend for quite some time; to this day, I'm not sure why he was acting so coldly to me. I had actually written him a letter before Christmas explaining that I still wanted his friendship, despite our lack on conversation with each other. I never did hear from him, and as much as it sucked, I realized that he was no longer going to be a part of my life. 


The second time was during the first couple of weeks I had been at school; I had been hanging out with someone for the first two because during rush, recruits were not allowed to go out and/or go to parties. So we mostly just stayed back and watched movies or chilled. We became pretty close and I was surprised at how comfortable I was around him. It felt like the beginning of something beautiful...something that I hadn't had with anyone in a very long time. 


We eventually became distanced with each other when certain things started coming up; things that multiple people were involved in and it was just too hard to talk about. At that point I knew that we were better off just being friends, due to having very little in common and having completely different views on particular subjects. We would start talking again, but only very briefly. We still say hi to each other in passing and occasionally eat together with mutual friends. But for the most part, that's all it is as of right now. 


There is one that I am currently in the midst of right now; one that seems like the hardest I have ever had to experience in comparison to the rest of them. The truth is, I'm still conflicted about it; I know deep down it's probably what I should do, but my heart scoffs at it unwillingly. 


This friend has been a huge part of my life, yet in an out of it for the past five years or so. During the first few months of knowing each other, I confided in him about things that I had never told anyone, mostly because it was an issue of trust. He was always a good listener and never told me what to think or how to feel. I always viewed him as a rarity and the kind of person that you can't really find now a days. There is a small part of me that still does. 


I think it was during the middle of my freshman year that we began to grow apart; not because of anything personal, but because of the choices that he was making and how in a way, I could only just stand there and watch. We reconnected again a year later and talked about it, causing me to breathe a sigh of relief (more so for his safety than anything else). 


However, that peace was short lived; at some point during the summer we stopped talking, for reasons I won't discuss. It was painful, mostly because I didn't understand what was going on and I wasn't sure whether to be pissed off or empathetic about it; because after all, we're all human and we all fall down at some point. Even today, I still have no idea. 


Our friendship has been so sporadic over these past couple of years; we talk for a few weeks through facebook and texting, and then we go months to a year without doing either. I think it's mostly because now we have incredibly separate lives; he's at home working and I'm in college in the process of becoming a full-fledged writer. Either that, or he still is extremely forgetful. 


And I guess that's the reason why the whole "should I or shouldn't I?" reigns on both my heart and mind so heavily. I just recently realized that emotional distance was perhaps God's way of saying "This isn't your burden to bear. This is something that's beyond your capability to handle. Let me take care of him."


Mostly, I'm just tired; tired of reaching out, only for my questions and thoughts to go unanswered. Tired of worrying and at times, crying because I worry that much. Tired of trying to understand someone that I may or may not even know anymore. 


I wouldn't do it because I want to. I would do it because I have to. 


The biggest lesson I've learned from such experiences mentioned above are these; people come in and out of your life for various reasons. Some aren't meant to be in it forever. All you can really do is trust that things really do happen for a reason, and that it will make sense eventually. 


Until then, you just have to keep going.