It's weird, this being the end of 2009. Even more weird is the ending of a decade, where so many historical events have taken place in the last ten years or so. I remember the terrorist attacks on 9/11, the start of the war in the Middle East, and the election of our nation's first black president. I can also recall the little things, such as how at the beginning of this decade, I still listened to and purchased CD's, bought regular rolls of film for my camera, and talked on a regular home phone line.
This year was a particular trying year; alot of good memories with some not-so-good memories. In a way, it was like taking one step forward, but yet I always ended up going two steps backward. Alot of it (or perhaps the majority) had to do with the fact that I stressed myself out way too easily and way too often. Too much stress is the main reason why almost everything I've had going on in my life has been so difficult, as well as why I never seem to have enough energy by the end of the day
I've never been the type that usually makes New years resolutions (or sticks to them, for that matter). In my opinion, anyone has the ability to start over at anytime during the year. Plus, you don't have to wallow in whatever you dealing with for another six or more months. But as I thought about it, I've realized how refreshing it really is to have a fresh start in a brand new year. For example, if you've been having a tiff with a friend for quite some time and would like to work it out in the coming year, perhaps your friend would want to do the same.
But if I were to really pick a resolution, it would be to not worry so much; because let's face it, I have been an extreme worry-wart for most of my life, and it hasn't done me a whole lot of good when it comes to relationships and living life in general.
Which leads me to say that I've come to believe that part of the reason I worry so much is due to the fact that I'm still struggling with self-esteem and having confidence in who I am. There are at least a dozen moments at a time where I'm constantly asking myself, "what does this person really think of me?" If I happen to send a text messege, make a phone call or write something on facebook and don't get a reply back, I have a tendency to question as to whether or not I did something to piss them off (therefore, over-anazlyzing the most recent conversations or interactions involving that person). In a way, I've almost indirectly become dependent on other people's opinions about me to determine how I personally feel about myself. As ridiculous as this all sounds, it's the truth. And not only that, but it also took alot of guts to be honest about it with myself, much less my own blog.
The first thing I had to do was admit that I simply cannot do it on my own. Over the past four months, I would go to people in my life (mainly my parents) and ask for advice; when they'd give me the best answers they could, but I always walked away with an "I don't need you, I can do it all by myself" kind of attitude. One of my friends later explained to me how I can't rely on my own strength, to say the least. My relationship with God has been somewhat sour over the past two years, for reasons I won't get into at the moment. But there is so much a simple prayer can do, even if you don't know exactly who or what you're praying to.
Secondly, I need to get off the computer,(especially facebook) shut off the tv, put away the cell phone and get back into life. No, I'm not cutting these things out completely because they can do wonders when it comes to communicating with friends and family. However, I'm only allowing myself a certain amount of time each day to be on or involved with these things, because they've begun to dominate my emotions. Sometimes that will also mean getting out of my room, and getting out of the house. I'm on a mission to start going to my local fitness club alot more, getting involved with some service projects, and picking up some new hobbies.
I really have no idea where exactly this will all lead, or how long it will take me to accomplish these things. I'm just thankful for a new beginning.
December 31, 2009
December 28, 2009
Yes, it's been bugging me for quite awhile
Note: The following post is somewhat of a "rant" as they call it; it might contain a bit of profanity, and I may come off as a griper and complainer. Just so you know
For most of my life, I've usually been an open book about my experiences and the things I go through. In the past, I was one of those people who normally called it as they saw it. However, over the last five years or so I've struggled with being able to fully trust someone (or people, for that matter). Most of the time, it happens on and off. But it's definately something I've battled, and am still battling. Although now I find myself more confused then ever.
Trust is a simple little word, but can be a difficult concept for many. It's the foundation for many, if not all relationships, because without trust you can't really have a relationship. Yet in a world of advancing technology, where one can easily hide their true feelings behind a computer screen or a text messege, it can be a little tricky. There are those that deserve all the trust in the world and those that deserve none at all. The hardest part is being able to differenciate as to which is which.
For me personally, trusting other people is something I've had to work on for a very long time, particularly when it comes to confiding in others about the good, the bad and the ugly things that go on in my life. Alot of the times when I go through things, I usually don't talk about it (at least for awhile) due to being afraid of how even my closest friends and family members might see me. For example, I wish I could really talk to someone about how there are times when I become frustrated with how I am physically; that I am embarressed about not having done certain things that most people have done by my age, and how I am afraid of not accomplishing the goals that I've set for myself. There are times when all I want is for someone to hold me and listen to what I have to say. But on the other hand, I feel as though I have to constantly carry myself with a huge amount of dignity and grace. I don't want to be pitied or viewed as an incredibly needy person.
I'm ashamed to admit that I forget a key point when it comes to trust; that the truest of friends and the ones that really matter will be there for you, one way or the other. It won't make a difference as to how bad the situation is, or whether or not they'll be able to understand what you're going through, they'll be there. And if some walk away (and I've had to learn the hard way that there are those that will) then they obviously shouldn't be in your life in the first place.
Trust is essential in life, and not just in regards to friendships; one has to trust that no matter what each day brings, that they'll have the strength to get through it. That in the midst of hardship and difficulty, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And ultimately, that God loves them enough to give them only what they can handle, and even when they feel they can't, that God will carry them.
Because as one of my favorite quotes says, Love never fails.
For most of my life, I've usually been an open book about my experiences and the things I go through. In the past, I was one of those people who normally called it as they saw it. However, over the last five years or so I've struggled with being able to fully trust someone (or people, for that matter). Most of the time, it happens on and off. But it's definately something I've battled, and am still battling. Although now I find myself more confused then ever.
Trust is a simple little word, but can be a difficult concept for many. It's the foundation for many, if not all relationships, because without trust you can't really have a relationship. Yet in a world of advancing technology, where one can easily hide their true feelings behind a computer screen or a text messege, it can be a little tricky. There are those that deserve all the trust in the world and those that deserve none at all. The hardest part is being able to differenciate as to which is which.
For me personally, trusting other people is something I've had to work on for a very long time, particularly when it comes to confiding in others about the good, the bad and the ugly things that go on in my life. Alot of the times when I go through things, I usually don't talk about it (at least for awhile) due to being afraid of how even my closest friends and family members might see me. For example, I wish I could really talk to someone about how there are times when I become frustrated with how I am physically; that I am embarressed about not having done certain things that most people have done by my age, and how I am afraid of not accomplishing the goals that I've set for myself. There are times when all I want is for someone to hold me and listen to what I have to say. But on the other hand, I feel as though I have to constantly carry myself with a huge amount of dignity and grace. I don't want to be pitied or viewed as an incredibly needy person.
I'm ashamed to admit that I forget a key point when it comes to trust; that the truest of friends and the ones that really matter will be there for you, one way or the other. It won't make a difference as to how bad the situation is, or whether or not they'll be able to understand what you're going through, they'll be there. And if some walk away (and I've had to learn the hard way that there are those that will) then they obviously shouldn't be in your life in the first place.
Trust is essential in life, and not just in regards to friendships; one has to trust that no matter what each day brings, that they'll have the strength to get through it. That in the midst of hardship and difficulty, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And ultimately, that God loves them enough to give them only what they can handle, and even when they feel they can't, that God will carry them.
Because as one of my favorite quotes says, Love never fails.
December 23, 2009
Beneath the Surface
Everyone has a story; the chatterbox in your English class that won't stop talking, the co-worker who always has a latte in their hand and asks one too many questions, even the next-door neighbor, whom for some reason is always happy and smiling, regardless of the crap going on in the world at the moment. (note: I'm not referring to anyone in particular, these are just examples that I'm using to try and make a point). Each one of us has endured triumphs and tragedies that shape our lives, and ultimately play a part in who we are.
These days, it seems like whenever I talk to someone, I always get the standard "I'm fine" type of reply. Alot of the time that tempts me to ask "Well, how are you really doing?" being that I've gotten quite good at reading facial expressions and the look the people often get in their eyes. However, I never usually ask any further because 1. I don't like to piss people off (on purpose, that is...I do realize that happens every now and again). 2. I know that very few actually like sharing the details regarding what's been bothering them, and 3. if they do happen to feel like talking about it, they will.
I've always loved having heart-to-hearts with people. It's a beautiful thing when you can really bare your soul to someone without holding back. I've been on both sides of the curtain, both as a listener as a talker. As a talker, it's a relief when I tell someone (sometimes, for the first time ever) what I've been going through over the course of time. I remember back in eighth grade when I broke down and finally revealed to someone, at the time what I had kept to myself for a little over a year. This person was patient, understanding and held no sort of judgment whatsoever, and I even to this day it's hard to describe the joy that comes when you realize that you're not alone.
As a listener, it gives you a different (and often times better) prespective on life). When I've spent time with someone and they've opened up about their experiences, I've come to the conclusion that even though life may be difficult, there is always someone out there who has it alot worse. Secondly, I gain a huge amount of respect and admiration for that person because they've had to endure a huge storm and came out of it alive.
Perhaps the most important, as well as memorable aspect of it is the bond; whether it's a bond that has been created out of sharing something so incredibly deep with that particular person, or a bond that has been strengthened because of just being able to talk about something like that with that person, there's a bond that's definately there.
However, there are definately risks when being so incredibly open, and often making yourself vulnerable to another. You take a chance of being taken advantage of and getting hurt. I know this for a fact because I've been there, and it's a situation I'm still currently in. In a nutshell, I shared my weaknesses and struggles with someone and over the course of time, they took advantage of those things. And unfortunately, it's not the first time it has happened.
Because of that, there is always this little voice inside my head that asks "is this going to come back to haunt me somehow"? every time I open my heart to someone. It has made trust and incredibly difficult thing, and I still don't have the answers as to when I finally know that I can trust someone.
They say that by keeping people at arms length, you don't get hurt. And in a sense, there is alot of truth in that. However, I personally feel that you lose out on alot more by not taking the time to get to know someone. You may just lose out on a beautiful relationship, as well as many beautiful memories.
These days, it seems like whenever I talk to someone, I always get the standard "I'm fine" type of reply. Alot of the time that tempts me to ask "Well, how are you really doing?" being that I've gotten quite good at reading facial expressions and the look the people often get in their eyes. However, I never usually ask any further because 1. I don't like to piss people off (on purpose, that is...I do realize that happens every now and again). 2. I know that very few actually like sharing the details regarding what's been bothering them, and 3. if they do happen to feel like talking about it, they will.
I've always loved having heart-to-hearts with people. It's a beautiful thing when you can really bare your soul to someone without holding back. I've been on both sides of the curtain, both as a listener as a talker. As a talker, it's a relief when I tell someone (sometimes, for the first time ever) what I've been going through over the course of time. I remember back in eighth grade when I broke down and finally revealed to someone, at the time what I had kept to myself for a little over a year. This person was patient, understanding and held no sort of judgment whatsoever, and I even to this day it's hard to describe the joy that comes when you realize that you're not alone.
As a listener, it gives you a different (and often times better) prespective on life). When I've spent time with someone and they've opened up about their experiences, I've come to the conclusion that even though life may be difficult, there is always someone out there who has it alot worse. Secondly, I gain a huge amount of respect and admiration for that person because they've had to endure a huge storm and came out of it alive.
Perhaps the most important, as well as memorable aspect of it is the bond; whether it's a bond that has been created out of sharing something so incredibly deep with that particular person, or a bond that has been strengthened because of just being able to talk about something like that with that person, there's a bond that's definately there.
However, there are definately risks when being so incredibly open, and often making yourself vulnerable to another. You take a chance of being taken advantage of and getting hurt. I know this for a fact because I've been there, and it's a situation I'm still currently in. In a nutshell, I shared my weaknesses and struggles with someone and over the course of time, they took advantage of those things. And unfortunately, it's not the first time it has happened.
Because of that, there is always this little voice inside my head that asks "is this going to come back to haunt me somehow"? every time I open my heart to someone. It has made trust and incredibly difficult thing, and I still don't have the answers as to when I finally know that I can trust someone.
They say that by keeping people at arms length, you don't get hurt. And in a sense, there is alot of truth in that. However, I personally feel that you lose out on alot more by not taking the time to get to know someone. You may just lose out on a beautiful relationship, as well as many beautiful memories.
December 21, 2009
I Remember (#1): That little Christmas Card
I don't know if some would call this a habit or a gift, but I for some strange reason I always seem to remember the littlest things, regardless of how much time passes between the day when that memory occurred and now. Alot of the time, it's because that particular moment or occassion had (and still has) sentimental value to me, therefore it becomes practically engraved in my brain to where I can still picture certain things or faces when it happened. This came back to me when I was watching "Elf" two nights ago..
I was thirteen, and it was the last day of school before Christmas break let out. Every major holiday (aside from Easter) student council did this thing where you'd pick out a little piece of candy, write a messege and then send it to someone. I do remember that alot of people commonly called it a "Candy gram" so to speak.
Now I don't know about all of the other girls, but I was one of those that would always hold my breath, hoping and wondering whether or not I was going to get one. (I lucked out during Halloween and made it a point of letting my friends know how I felt about it. Yes, it was shallow, I know.) Today I find myself chuckling over the fact that getting one of those things was so important to me at the time; but in most cases, I don't think it was neccessarily whether or not you got one. What really mattered was really who sent it and what it said.
Anyway, the student council officers began passing them out while I multi-taskingly kept my fingers crossed and tried not to get my hopes up. There were some that only got two or three, while this one guy next to me got five or more (I can't remember how many exactly, but it was quite a few). Finally after what felt like the longest time, someone handed me a card with a little candy cane attached to it.
It was red and had a picture of a little German Shepheard on the front of it. I turned it over, only to see that the sender spelled my name with an "i" instead of a "y" and had simply written the words "Merry Christmas." It didn't say who it was from, although I had huge suspicisions because I recognized the handwriting. I didn't officially find out until Christmas Eve, when my Mom and brother told me who it was at dinner.
Nearly five years later, I still have that card tucked away in a little box; not because of who it was from neccesarily, but rather that someone took the time to do something incredibly kind when at time in my life, I wasn't sure how many kind people were out there in the world. It motivates me to remember that the littlest things can often bring the biggest joys. It's something I've chosen to hang on to as 2009 slowly comes to an end and we go into 2010, my last month or so as a child before I officially become an adult.
I was thirteen, and it was the last day of school before Christmas break let out. Every major holiday (aside from Easter) student council did this thing where you'd pick out a little piece of candy, write a messege and then send it to someone. I do remember that alot of people commonly called it a "Candy gram" so to speak.
Now I don't know about all of the other girls, but I was one of those that would always hold my breath, hoping and wondering whether or not I was going to get one. (I lucked out during Halloween and made it a point of letting my friends know how I felt about it. Yes, it was shallow, I know.) Today I find myself chuckling over the fact that getting one of those things was so important to me at the time; but in most cases, I don't think it was neccessarily whether or not you got one. What really mattered was really who sent it and what it said.
Anyway, the student council officers began passing them out while I multi-taskingly kept my fingers crossed and tried not to get my hopes up. There were some that only got two or three, while this one guy next to me got five or more (I can't remember how many exactly, but it was quite a few). Finally after what felt like the longest time, someone handed me a card with a little candy cane attached to it.
It was red and had a picture of a little German Shepheard on the front of it. I turned it over, only to see that the sender spelled my name with an "i" instead of a "y" and had simply written the words "Merry Christmas." It didn't say who it was from, although I had huge suspicisions because I recognized the handwriting. I didn't officially find out until Christmas Eve, when my Mom and brother told me who it was at dinner.
Nearly five years later, I still have that card tucked away in a little box; not because of who it was from neccesarily, but rather that someone took the time to do something incredibly kind when at time in my life, I wasn't sure how many kind people were out there in the world. It motivates me to remember that the littlest things can often bring the biggest joys. It's something I've chosen to hang on to as 2009 slowly comes to an end and we go into 2010, my last month or so as a child before I officially become an adult.
December 19, 2009
This time..you do it
I've never been the type to have very high standards in regards to men. I've always been pretty outgoing and am not afraid to go up to a guy and talk to him, call him, ect. You get the idea right? I wrote this after my last potential relationship (if you want to call it that) somewhat fizzled out. Deep down, I've always wanted a guy to be the one to come after me, not exactly the other way around.
The Chase
Ever since the early years, love has never been far from my mind
Always had an object of affection
But that doesn’t mean it worked out every time
Now I haven’t quite got it all figured out
Still a puzzle, why things tend to happen the way they do
All I know is that feelings have often left me blind
Blind enough to where if I don’t do it, then it doesn’t happen at all
Maybe I’ll give waiting an old-fashioned swing
Not what you’re thinking, but waiting for him to come to me
Don’t expect a date if you won’t be the one to ask
Don’t think I’ll go tracking you down if you decide that you’ve had enough and won’t bother to call me back
Be sincere what you surprise me, not just because it’s what I’d want
And there’s definitely no need to rush
I’m tired of being on an endless merry-go-round
Sick of what never seems to come full circle
I want someone to fall in love with me first, then give me a good enough reason to love them back
It may be a lot of work
But I’ll make it worth the chase
The Chase
Ever since the early years, love has never been far from my mind
Always had an object of affection
But that doesn’t mean it worked out every time
Now I haven’t quite got it all figured out
Still a puzzle, why things tend to happen the way they do
All I know is that feelings have often left me blind
Blind enough to where if I don’t do it, then it doesn’t happen at all
Maybe I’ll give waiting an old-fashioned swing
Not what you’re thinking, but waiting for him to come to me
Don’t expect a date if you won’t be the one to ask
Don’t think I’ll go tracking you down if you decide that you’ve had enough and won’t bother to call me back
Be sincere what you surprise me, not just because it’s what I’d want
And there’s definitely no need to rush
I’m tired of being on an endless merry-go-round
Sick of what never seems to come full circle
I want someone to fall in love with me first, then give me a good enough reason to love them back
It may be a lot of work
But I’ll make it worth the chase
December 18, 2009
Now we're getting somewhere
I've been subscribing to blogs, reading blogs, but haven't really taken the time to personally blog myself. Don't get me wrong, I've had the time and ability to form about a million topics in my head, but my brain has been going about a million miles an hour for the last month or so, and I haven't really been able to actually slow down up until this point.
Perhaps the most relieving event that has taken place is that I'm officially going to college. After five weeks of agonizing and wondering what exactly was going on, I finally recieved a letter in the mail congratulating me on my acceptence. Well no, it didn't quite go like that. Both my mom and I had been making frequent trips to the mailbox and coming back empty-handed. By that point I felt as if I were grasping at straws; alot of my friends were getting accepted to that particular school or just getting accepted to their first choices in general. After not recieving anything yet again, I went online to my admissions profile to see the word admitted sitting next to my application status.
To say the least, I was overjoyed; I screamed, yelled, shed a few tears that all kept me awake until three o'clock the next morning. I did shortly afterward sit down and talk with my parents about it. I had been accepted to two other schools and was bit torn between going down to Florida and sticking with the midwest. Despite the lure of the warm weather and attraction of being able to go to the beach, I ultimately stuck with my first choice. There was no sense in trying to debate between the two.
And it's true, I have been wanting to go there for as long as I can remember. No, I won't say what school exactly, (given that this is the internet) but it is a Big-Ten University with a fabulous creative writing program. One of my friends suggested it to me during my sophmore year of high school, just as I was beginning the initial dig of looking into colleges. Fast forward almost two years, I can still recall when I felt like I knew. My mom and I had just finished the group tour and were doing a bit of independent exploration; we went into drinking coffee at one of the local coffee houses when I told that this place was it. She told me, "I know, because you're feeling the same way I felt back when I stepped on this campus for the first time almost thirty years ago."
And despite having to wait and constantly ponder the "what-if's" of the whole thing, I just had a feeling in my gut that that's where I was going to go.
Yet make no mistake, the hard work doesn't stop at an acceptance letter; in fact, it's still on very much of a hinge since this is only the end of the first semester. But at least I have a motivation, an initiative.
To add to that, there is alot of skepticism regarding my ability to survive both physically and emotionally on that big of a campus. I cannot give any answers at this moment, only to say that I've accomplished so much in my life and beaten the odds so many times. So why stop now?
I still have a long way to go, about seven months to be exact. For now, I'm going to enjoy what I have and be grateful to God for this opportunity. It's definately a blessing, and one that I won't just sweep under the rug.
Perhaps the most relieving event that has taken place is that I'm officially going to college. After five weeks of agonizing and wondering what exactly was going on, I finally recieved a letter in the mail congratulating me on my acceptence. Well no, it didn't quite go like that. Both my mom and I had been making frequent trips to the mailbox and coming back empty-handed. By that point I felt as if I were grasping at straws; alot of my friends were getting accepted to that particular school or just getting accepted to their first choices in general. After not recieving anything yet again, I went online to my admissions profile to see the word admitted sitting next to my application status.
To say the least, I was overjoyed; I screamed, yelled, shed a few tears that all kept me awake until three o'clock the next morning. I did shortly afterward sit down and talk with my parents about it. I had been accepted to two other schools and was bit torn between going down to Florida and sticking with the midwest. Despite the lure of the warm weather and attraction of being able to go to the beach, I ultimately stuck with my first choice. There was no sense in trying to debate between the two.
And it's true, I have been wanting to go there for as long as I can remember. No, I won't say what school exactly, (given that this is the internet) but it is a Big-Ten University with a fabulous creative writing program. One of my friends suggested it to me during my sophmore year of high school, just as I was beginning the initial dig of looking into colleges. Fast forward almost two years, I can still recall when I felt like I knew. My mom and I had just finished the group tour and were doing a bit of independent exploration; we went into drinking coffee at one of the local coffee houses when I told that this place was it. She told me, "I know, because you're feeling the same way I felt back when I stepped on this campus for the first time almost thirty years ago."
And despite having to wait and constantly ponder the "what-if's" of the whole thing, I just had a feeling in my gut that that's where I was going to go.
Yet make no mistake, the hard work doesn't stop at an acceptance letter; in fact, it's still on very much of a hinge since this is only the end of the first semester. But at least I have a motivation, an initiative.
To add to that, there is alot of skepticism regarding my ability to survive both physically and emotionally on that big of a campus. I cannot give any answers at this moment, only to say that I've accomplished so much in my life and beaten the odds so many times. So why stop now?
I still have a long way to go, about seven months to be exact. For now, I'm going to enjoy what I have and be grateful to God for this opportunity. It's definately a blessing, and one that I won't just sweep under the rug.
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