Day 13-Calling It Quits
When Did you really want to call it quits? Did you?
You know, I don't think I really wanted to "quit" anything this year, so to speak. There were relationships where I was ready to boldly proclaim that I was done, while verbally giving that person the finger and getting on with my life. But I can't say I was overly motivated to throw in the towel for anything.
On the other hand, I did ask myself "is this all there is? Where's the line between being content and knowing that you can do and be better? In other words....
Are my emotional struggles because of something that I'm doing or saying, it does it more relate to the kind of people that I'm allowing into my life?
Will I always go through the same cycles over and over again?
Is there a happy medium between optimism and pessimism?
There were moments where I was perfectly OK with feeling like only certain parts of me existed; that I could just take whatever got handed to me and be able to get by in life. I was perfectly fine with never going back to the way I used to be, that innocent little girl with a mile wide grin on her face.
I had been through too much, I reasoned. I didn't want to have to repeatedly explain my past and than watch as people walked away.
I didn't see it as quitting; I saw it as accepting that this was the way things were going to be. There would always be fear and a barrier between me and certain people that I cared about. After all, it's normal for only a few people to know who you really are, right?
Every time I did that, I never felt whole or alive. Intimacy is a huge thing for me, and when I don't have that, it's like a big part of me is missing.
I will write more about it when my brain doesn't feel like a fried egg (it's finals week around here). This has taken weeks, if not months to contemplate and process. A lot of it is going to be very deep, and maybe even somewhat difficult to take in But it is something that I want to share in the coming days of Reverb.
I'm ready to let it all go.