Tomorrow, February 1st will mark my eighteenth birthday. I'll be able to buy my own lottery ticket (and an assortment of other stuff) as well as be free of a curfew and not be under my parents responsability. But for me, it's not just about all those things. It's actually a lot more then that.
I was a premature baby; my mother gave birth to me when I was only at the twenty-seven week gestation period, and spent about four and a half months in the NICU. My survival rate was skeptical and there were several times where I came close to death. I have several major surgeries over the course of time, and have been through various physical and emotional stages throughout my life, some that will have a lasting effect on me. But I am here at this moment, alive.
When one is healed from a sickness/disease, or have miraculously survived a health-related ordeal, much of the credit will go to modern medicine. I do agree that there is truth to that, but only to an extent. On the other side of things, one has to have the will-power and the strength to fight so that the medicine will work.
My mom has always told me that even at two days old, I was a feisty little thing; I was constantly kicking my diapers off and the nurses had to put little mittens on my hands, and somewhat pin them to the bed so that I wouldn't tear off the tube that was connected to the ventilator. I don't think that a one pound, fifteen ounce baby could do that alone. I believe that I am still because of the amazing Grace of God. When it all comes down to it, Faith and spirituality are the two most core things that have gotten me to this point in my life. I do believe that I have a purpose; otherwise I don't think I would be here.
Last night I wept, not in sadness or frustration, but in gratitude. That happens sometimes, where there are little to no words that can express my being thankful, so I just cry. I am incredibly thankful for my family, especially my parents and grandparents, who've been my champions and "biggest fans" (as my Grandfather likes to phrase it) since I was born. My Mom and Dad have supported me in everything I've done, and have done their best to comfort me and be there for me when hugs and kisses couldn't make everything better.
My siblings have also played a huge role in me getting to where I am today; at just a baby himself, my brother was my motivation for crawling and later on, walking. Now he has been the one that has motivated me to get my butt in gear and get my driver's liscense. My sister has always helped take care of me, both physically and emotionally. I am so proud of them for what they have accomplished athletic-wise, and they've become my role models for hard work and success.
Friends, regardless of how long they've been in my life or how close I've been with them are very special to me as well. There are very many who've taken the time in getting to know me and trying to understand me, as there are times where I feel misunderstood by the rest of the world. Regardless of the time or circumstances, I see them all as angels and am grateful for their love and support.
This particular post may sound incredibly sappy and sentimental to some, but this is a huge milestone for me. Also, I consider myself to be very blessed by still having the chance to be here, so I try to appreciate even the smallest things in life. Birthdays are included :)
The journey is not over for me though...in fact, it's far from over. I have many more things to accomplish, including graduating from high school in about three months and going away to school not long after. It's going to be quite a ride, but a ride that I'll no less do my best to enjoy and cherish.
If there was any way to sum up how I feel about my life, these lyrics ("Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas) would jut about do it:
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
January 31, 2010
January 24, 2010
Wading Through the Winter Blues
I'm not a huge fan of winter at all. I can take the cold, snow and what have you at the beginning of December, when the christmas decor is practically covering it all and I can just focus on the pretty lights and holiday cheer. Around that particular time, I happen to enjoy sipping hot cups of cocoa and burying myself under a half a dozen or so blankets. But after while (especially after the decorations come down) such a routine gets tiresome; sweaters become to feel overly itchy and heavy, I get sick of the hot water constantly drying my skin out, and being cooped up in the house all day begins to seem like prison. Well, I wouldn't go to that extreme but it gets annoying after awhile.
In other words...I have a pretty bad case of the winter blues.
It's tough to say how long this kind of thing actually lasts for me; usually it begins a little after new years, comes to a standstill around my birthday (which happens to be coming up, by the way) and there's no telling when exactly it will end.
This time in particular, it's an insanely frustrating thing to deal with. I won't go into exact details right now, but I've been experiencing bouts of anger with someone in my life (or not so much anymore, to put it that way) and admit that I'm having a difficult time getting past that. I think it's because I have to see this person every day and they won't even go so far as to even say hello or look at me. It would be easier if this person wasn't one of my closest friends (at school) and if I did get to see my other close friends every single day (reason being is because we don't even go to the same school. ha). But truthfully I feel more hurt than I do anger. I don't understand, and maybe I never will. I guess it's one of those things where I simply have to suck it up and move forward, regardless of how much I hate to do so.
Yet the good thing that's been coming out of all this stuff (and then some) is that I'm beginning to find my faith again. Faith and spirituality are two things that have been pretty absent from my daily life since the summer before junior year, and I'm grateful for the realization as to how much I really do need it. At this moment I'm trying to focus on finding "the joy in the junk" (a phrase that one of my old youth leaders used to say) and finding hope in what cannot be seen.
Other good things that have been going on...
In other words...I have a pretty bad case of the winter blues.
It's tough to say how long this kind of thing actually lasts for me; usually it begins a little after new years, comes to a standstill around my birthday (which happens to be coming up, by the way) and there's no telling when exactly it will end.
This time in particular, it's an insanely frustrating thing to deal with. I won't go into exact details right now, but I've been experiencing bouts of anger with someone in my life (or not so much anymore, to put it that way) and admit that I'm having a difficult time getting past that. I think it's because I have to see this person every day and they won't even go so far as to even say hello or look at me. It would be easier if this person wasn't one of my closest friends (at school) and if I did get to see my other close friends every single day (reason being is because we don't even go to the same school. ha). But truthfully I feel more hurt than I do anger. I don't understand, and maybe I never will. I guess it's one of those things where I simply have to suck it up and move forward, regardless of how much I hate to do so.
Yet the good thing that's been coming out of all this stuff (and then some) is that I'm beginning to find my faith again. Faith and spirituality are two things that have been pretty absent from my daily life since the summer before junior year, and I'm grateful for the realization as to how much I really do need it. At this moment I'm trying to focus on finding "the joy in the junk" (a phrase that one of my old youth leaders used to say) and finding hope in what cannot be seen.
Other good things that have been going on...
- I recieved $1500 dollars from the University I'll be attending next year. Yes, it's not much in today's standards, but it's something! And hopefully I might just be getting more in the coming months from other independent scholarships I've applied for.
- I made a Bucket list of sorts; if anyone is willing to take me out for sushi, Thai or Greek food, please say so! haha I have about a half a dozen other things on there as well :)
- My eighteenth birthday is only about a week and a half away
- I have my Mommy; yes I will call her that! she has been the one sitting with me and letting me cry out all the tears over the last few weeks or so. And a note to all seniors or ones that will be seniors, learn to appreciate your parents!
- Getting text messeges and/or being able to spend time with friends that I don't see that often; sometimes just texting someone can put me in the best mood. And even though not seeing them a whole lot is hard, it makes me appreciate them more :)
January 13, 2010
One Down
I'm in the midst of taking my first semester finals, and I'm amazed at how the first half of senior year has already come and gone. It was an all right one, but one that was definately full of stress and a ton of crap that I'm glad to have put behind me (for the most part).
I won't deny that I'm dealing with a bout of senioritis; I'm sick of being in classes that I don't get very much out of and that I don't even have to neccessarily be in (I only signed up for them because they were prerequisites for the schools I wanted to get into). I'm sick of wearing a uniform that I usually either freeze in or a sweat like a pig in, and not to mention that it's made of almost pure plastic. I'm sick of waking up before sunrise every morning, running around for seven hours, and then barely having any energy to do anything when I get home.
Frankly, I'm just bored.
On the other side of things, I'm not in that much of a rush to graduate. I constantly hear "oh I'm so ready to be done!" and in a way I agree with them. But yet I personally feel like there are so many more things I want to do and alot of memories that I want to make. I don't wanna be going through the motions by just going to school, coming home, doing my homework and then doing it all over again for the next four and a half months or so.
Right now I'm not particularly scared of anything related to graduating or college; those fears will most likely set it around sometime in July and August. What I'm scared of most is letting the next semester go by while I'm just sitting around thinking about stuff and not actually pursuing it. Thats what I tend to annoy myself the most with; making plans but not having those plans come to fruition.
And I think I speak for most if not all seniors when I say that I've worked my butt off up to this point, and I'd like to relax and have fun. That doesn't mean completely throwing in the towel and saying "adios!" to homework and studying (even though deep down it really would be nice). It just means not completely focusing on school all the time and allowing yourself to let your hair down a bit.
I've done alot of things and had many opportunities in life that most kids can't speak for. However, deep down I feel a little bit of jealousy. I hear about or see pictures of simple things, like sitting in the basement and just talking or taking a random trip to 7-11. I have had experiences like that, but not so much in high school. And I believe that the simplest things often times turn into the best memories.
So that's why I'm making a list, a bucket list if you will. Whether or not I do it all before I graduate or before I go to college will vary. But I'm not worried about when I'll make those accomplishments, but who I'll be with when I do it. As the saying goes, "It's not what you do, but who you're with that matters."
I won't deny that I'm dealing with a bout of senioritis; I'm sick of being in classes that I don't get very much out of and that I don't even have to neccessarily be in (I only signed up for them because they were prerequisites for the schools I wanted to get into). I'm sick of wearing a uniform that I usually either freeze in or a sweat like a pig in, and not to mention that it's made of almost pure plastic. I'm sick of waking up before sunrise every morning, running around for seven hours, and then barely having any energy to do anything when I get home.
Frankly, I'm just bored.
On the other side of things, I'm not in that much of a rush to graduate. I constantly hear "oh I'm so ready to be done!" and in a way I agree with them. But yet I personally feel like there are so many more things I want to do and alot of memories that I want to make. I don't wanna be going through the motions by just going to school, coming home, doing my homework and then doing it all over again for the next four and a half months or so.
Right now I'm not particularly scared of anything related to graduating or college; those fears will most likely set it around sometime in July and August. What I'm scared of most is letting the next semester go by while I'm just sitting around thinking about stuff and not actually pursuing it. Thats what I tend to annoy myself the most with; making plans but not having those plans come to fruition.
And I think I speak for most if not all seniors when I say that I've worked my butt off up to this point, and I'd like to relax and have fun. That doesn't mean completely throwing in the towel and saying "adios!" to homework and studying (even though deep down it really would be nice). It just means not completely focusing on school all the time and allowing yourself to let your hair down a bit.
I've done alot of things and had many opportunities in life that most kids can't speak for. However, deep down I feel a little bit of jealousy. I hear about or see pictures of simple things, like sitting in the basement and just talking or taking a random trip to 7-11. I have had experiences like that, but not so much in high school. And I believe that the simplest things often times turn into the best memories.
So that's why I'm making a list, a bucket list if you will. Whether or not I do it all before I graduate or before I go to college will vary. But I'm not worried about when I'll make those accomplishments, but who I'll be with when I do it. As the saying goes, "It's not what you do, but who you're with that matters."
January 10, 2010
To Bless and Be Blessed
I always thought that one of my main goals for 2010 would be to stop stressing out so easily and live more of a simpler life. But yet as this week progressed, I found myself reconsidering as to what my number one goal really was.
I've been reading a book called Writing to Change the World; it's not neccessarily a manual for writing in general, but an in-depth look at writing that will effect other people in a positive way. At one point during the introduction, the author talks about visiting her dying Grandmother in the hospital. She proceeds to ask "Grandma, were you happy with your life?" The Grandmother replies that better question would be not if she was happy, but if she was able to do some amount of good while she was living her life.
Just recently I was having coffee with a friend at starbucks talking about high school and the trivial things that are starting to wear on the both of us. She recalled to me about a time when a freshman dropped his books all over the floor and no one really made an effort to stop and help him. Once she saw how much the boy was struggling she went over and helped him gather his things so that he could get to his next class
And when I got home that night and wrote down all of the little blessings I'd been experiencing that day, I thought to myself I have been blessed with so much, both in the last couple of weeks and throughout my life. But what have I personally contributed to the people around me?
Which leads me to say that my resolution for 2010 has changed a bit; well maybe not changed per say, but I've added something to it: I want to be more of a selfless person; I don't want to just recieve from people anymore, I want to give. And not just give back to loved ones that have been there for me or get involved with volunteer work. I want to bless someone each and every day.
To me, blessing someone isn't just about donating time or money to an event or organization. There are so many small blessings that can make a world of difference to someone. I know I can bless my parents by doing my chores without being asked. I know I can bless my siblings and friends by coming out and supporting them when they play sports. Other times it just might be the simple things, say loaning a pencil or saying hi to someone in the hallway. (Honestly, things like that just tend to put the biggest smile on my face. haha)
It seems like with the recession going on, alot of America has kicked into an "every person for themselves" type mode and do what they have to do to survive. I understand that, because my family has been in that position for three years. But does that mean we have to forgo everyone else's needs as well? Like I said, it's not (and should never be) just about giving money. If there are parents in the neighborhood who've been working their butts off trying to put food on the table, maybe one could offer to watch the kids while they have some time to themselves. Or perhaps if someone you know is running around like a chicken with their head cut off trying to clean the house, would it be all that bad if you yourself picked up mop and dustpan yourself alongside them?
The saddest part is seeing what selfishness can do to so many people, especially those my age. Over Christmas break I was in the parking lot and Target with my mom when I heard a woman practically yell "You know what? I really don't care about other people!" (Suffice to say I don't know what the situation was in it's entirety but it sounded like she really meant it). There are incidents similar to the one my friend related to me that happen every single day, and at times there are even worse happenings that go on in all sorts of groups of people and schools.
Is it ever hard? Yes! It's human nature for every single one of us to be selfish; we all have wants and desires, whether they be materialistic or wondering about what people truly think about us. I'll admit that in the back of my mind, I have a tendancy to be like that. It's a horrible habit that I'm working to break. It has become my prayer each morning that I might be able to bless someone that day, regardless of how big or small of a blessing it may be.
And that's the truth; that wherever I go or whatever I do, that something good may come out of it. I hope that I can bless people through the writings that I share with them, or whoever comes to this blog. I hope that I can bless my friends by being a good friend myself and being there when they need me, even if they don't always come to me. Above all, I hope I can bless others by just living day to day with strength, courage and faith.
I've been reading a book called Writing to Change the World; it's not neccessarily a manual for writing in general, but an in-depth look at writing that will effect other people in a positive way. At one point during the introduction, the author talks about visiting her dying Grandmother in the hospital. She proceeds to ask "Grandma, were you happy with your life?" The Grandmother replies that better question would be not if she was happy, but if she was able to do some amount of good while she was living her life.
Just recently I was having coffee with a friend at starbucks talking about high school and the trivial things that are starting to wear on the both of us. She recalled to me about a time when a freshman dropped his books all over the floor and no one really made an effort to stop and help him. Once she saw how much the boy was struggling she went over and helped him gather his things so that he could get to his next class
And when I got home that night and wrote down all of the little blessings I'd been experiencing that day, I thought to myself I have been blessed with so much, both in the last couple of weeks and throughout my life. But what have I personally contributed to the people around me?
Which leads me to say that my resolution for 2010 has changed a bit; well maybe not changed per say, but I've added something to it: I want to be more of a selfless person; I don't want to just recieve from people anymore, I want to give. And not just give back to loved ones that have been there for me or get involved with volunteer work. I want to bless someone each and every day.
To me, blessing someone isn't just about donating time or money to an event or organization. There are so many small blessings that can make a world of difference to someone. I know I can bless my parents by doing my chores without being asked. I know I can bless my siblings and friends by coming out and supporting them when they play sports. Other times it just might be the simple things, say loaning a pencil or saying hi to someone in the hallway. (Honestly, things like that just tend to put the biggest smile on my face. haha)
It seems like with the recession going on, alot of America has kicked into an "every person for themselves" type mode and do what they have to do to survive. I understand that, because my family has been in that position for three years. But does that mean we have to forgo everyone else's needs as well? Like I said, it's not (and should never be) just about giving money. If there are parents in the neighborhood who've been working their butts off trying to put food on the table, maybe one could offer to watch the kids while they have some time to themselves. Or perhaps if someone you know is running around like a chicken with their head cut off trying to clean the house, would it be all that bad if you yourself picked up mop and dustpan yourself alongside them?
The saddest part is seeing what selfishness can do to so many people, especially those my age. Over Christmas break I was in the parking lot and Target with my mom when I heard a woman practically yell "You know what? I really don't care about other people!" (Suffice to say I don't know what the situation was in it's entirety but it sounded like she really meant it). There are incidents similar to the one my friend related to me that happen every single day, and at times there are even worse happenings that go on in all sorts of groups of people and schools.
Is it ever hard? Yes! It's human nature for every single one of us to be selfish; we all have wants and desires, whether they be materialistic or wondering about what people truly think about us. I'll admit that in the back of my mind, I have a tendancy to be like that. It's a horrible habit that I'm working to break. It has become my prayer each morning that I might be able to bless someone that day, regardless of how big or small of a blessing it may be.
And that's the truth; that wherever I go or whatever I do, that something good may come out of it. I hope that I can bless people through the writings that I share with them, or whoever comes to this blog. I hope that I can bless my friends by being a good friend myself and being there when they need me, even if they don't always come to me. Above all, I hope I can bless others by just living day to day with strength, courage and faith.
January 02, 2010
That's Just the Disney Girl in Me
I was finally able to go see The Princess and the Frog a couple of days ago; let me tell you, despite the fact that it was geared toward little kids (as are most Disney movies) I have to say I really did enjoy it. Ok, maybe it's better to say that I giggled alot throughout the movie, but you get the idea right? Personally, I think it was one of the best Disney movies to come out in the last five years or so. Sure, Pixar has had some pretty decent ones, but I will say that I've missed the princess/fairy-tale type stuff.
Truthfully, I've always loved Disney-related things; alot of my memories from childhood revolved around it. I remember when my Mom took me to see Pochahontas and Toy Story in the theatre. (There've been many more but I'm not going to spend time listing off every single one of them.) Back when VCR's were still widely used, we probably possesed the largest Disney VHS library out of anyone we knew. I watched the sing-along videos and listened to the music on cassette tapes to fall asleep at night. I clung to an Ariel doll when I had to undergo leg surgery back in kindergarten. And when I went to sleep-away camp for the first time (yes, I was thirteen) I took bambi with me. Whether or not I'm taking either or both with me to college is still undecided. haha
There've also been alot of comical moments as well. I've been to Disneyland once and DisneyWorld four times in my life. Each time we've vacationed there, we always come back with at least one halarious memory involving one or all three of us kids. When it comes to me personally, the majority of my extended family members and some friends all know about the "Space Mountain episode."
There is also still the now infamous home movie still floating around here somewhere: Mom decided to interview my little four year-old self before the first time we went to Disney World. Somwhere in there she asks who my boyfriend is, that of which I replied "Aladdin!" before breaking out in a fit of giggles. (Keep in mind, I was only four at the time).
If I had to pick a favorite Disney movie, it would probably be Beauty and the Beast. I've always felt that one had a moral teaching to it; how to love someone despite that fact that they aren't exactly prince charming, and how inner beauty should always prevail over the way we look. Plus I've always someone been able to indentify with feeling like the odd one out, and not really knowing why
Anyway, coming in close second is The Little Mermaid, as well as Aladdin for obvious reasons.
I'm fully aware that it's not "normal" for someone my age to still enjoy this stuff. To be honest, I really don't pay attention to all the physco-analysis stuff and supposed subliminal messeges that have been somehow tweaked in there over the years. In fact, I actually think it's kind of sad how people (especially kids) seemingly can't be allowed to enjoy Disney anymore. There always has to be some outcry about politcal correctness or how fictional princesses will somehow screw up the emotional well being of girls and young women when they get older. For crying out loud, just let us enjoy the movie!
Over the years, people have asked me "isn't Disney just for little kids?" Up until now I've never really known how to respond to that question. Yeah, it probably makes me appear a little quirky, maybe even weird to some degree. But you know what? It's a part of who I am and if it makes me happy, then I personally don't give a damn about anyone else's opinion. Heck, I still have a few songs on my ipod that I listen to occassionally, and chose a yellow prom dress for a very specific reason (my sister later dubbed it the "Belle" dress).
And not to sound like I take that question seriously, but if it's now acceptable in society for kids to be dressing and acting like they're twenty instead of twelve (and making decisions that they probably aren't mature enough to make) then why can't we older ones be kids every once and awhile?
Truthfully, I've always loved Disney-related things; alot of my memories from childhood revolved around it. I remember when my Mom took me to see Pochahontas and Toy Story in the theatre. (There've been many more but I'm not going to spend time listing off every single one of them.) Back when VCR's were still widely used, we probably possesed the largest Disney VHS library out of anyone we knew. I watched the sing-along videos and listened to the music on cassette tapes to fall asleep at night. I clung to an Ariel doll when I had to undergo leg surgery back in kindergarten. And when I went to sleep-away camp for the first time (yes, I was thirteen) I took bambi with me. Whether or not I'm taking either or both with me to college is still undecided. haha
There've also been alot of comical moments as well. I've been to Disneyland once and DisneyWorld four times in my life. Each time we've vacationed there, we always come back with at least one halarious memory involving one or all three of us kids. When it comes to me personally, the majority of my extended family members and some friends all know about the "Space Mountain episode."
There is also still the now infamous home movie still floating around here somewhere: Mom decided to interview my little four year-old self before the first time we went to Disney World. Somwhere in there she asks who my boyfriend is, that of which I replied "Aladdin!" before breaking out in a fit of giggles. (Keep in mind, I was only four at the time).
If I had to pick a favorite Disney movie, it would probably be Beauty and the Beast. I've always felt that one had a moral teaching to it; how to love someone despite that fact that they aren't exactly prince charming, and how inner beauty should always prevail over the way we look. Plus I've always someone been able to indentify with feeling like the odd one out, and not really knowing why
Anyway, coming in close second is The Little Mermaid, as well as Aladdin for obvious reasons.
I'm fully aware that it's not "normal" for someone my age to still enjoy this stuff. To be honest, I really don't pay attention to all the physco-analysis stuff and supposed subliminal messeges that have been somehow tweaked in there over the years. In fact, I actually think it's kind of sad how people (especially kids) seemingly can't be allowed to enjoy Disney anymore. There always has to be some outcry about politcal correctness or how fictional princesses will somehow screw up the emotional well being of girls and young women when they get older. For crying out loud, just let us enjoy the movie!
Over the years, people have asked me "isn't Disney just for little kids?" Up until now I've never really known how to respond to that question. Yeah, it probably makes me appear a little quirky, maybe even weird to some degree. But you know what? It's a part of who I am and if it makes me happy, then I personally don't give a damn about anyone else's opinion. Heck, I still have a few songs on my ipod that I listen to occassionally, and chose a yellow prom dress for a very specific reason (my sister later dubbed it the "Belle" dress).
And not to sound like I take that question seriously, but if it's now acceptable in society for kids to be dressing and acting like they're twenty instead of twelve (and making decisions that they probably aren't mature enough to make) then why can't we older ones be kids every once and awhile?
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