December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?
I can't recall the last time I physically created anything, given that I'm not really much of an arts and crafts person. But in a way, I did create something else, although rather mentally. For the first time in awhile, I actually sat down and wrote a story; I haven't had a whole lot of time while at school due to homework and such, but over Thanksgiving break I was able to sit down at my computer and type out a literary idea that had been on my mind for months.
It took a couple of days, as any piece usually does for me. This particular work of fiction dealt with love, loss and rediscovery; the main message? That when certain doors close, new ones are always opened one way or the other. Also, that just because something comes to an end does not mean that there won't ever be a second chance. (for any family members or friends that would like to read it, I will gladly e-mail or facebook it to you).
As I mentioned above, writing is something that takes more than just one day, especially when it comes to writing something that is fictional. I want to make the characters both real as well as a little complex, so I like to draw specific traits from either myself or people that I know. There will be works where my likes/dislikes might be fairly easy to notice. Although I've mentioned this multiple times, writing is a way for giving people an insight to my personality and my life, both in fiction and non-fiction.
I am currently in the process of writing something for one of my classes; it involves something that I absolutely love to do, but don't get to do it that often. I view it as something that is both emotional, romantic and a little bit sensual at the same time. (No, I'm not talking harlequin romance here...I always try to write things that have substance). Granted it may or may not make family members and close friends blush just a little, but the way I see it, I'm a college student. Writing, I've learned, is not always about being on the safe side. However, I always try to guide myself in being tasteful as well as containing some kind of positive message.
I am thankful that I've begun to learn how to make time for this sort of thing; that instead of just brainstorming and allowing the ideas to sit for months, I actually sit down somewhere and put those words to paper. It's something that I literally have to carve time out of my schedule for, but nonetheless, I'm grateful that my creative juices are flowing again.
December 06, 2010
December 05, 2010
Just Let Go
What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
I've had to do a lot of letting go this year, mostly in regards to people. At the beginning of 2010, I had been on the outs with a friend for quite some time; to this day, I'm not sure why he was acting so coldly to me. I had actually written him a letter before Christmas explaining that I still wanted his friendship, despite our lack on conversation with each other. I never did hear from him, and as much as it sucked, I realized that he was no longer going to be a part of my life.
The second time was during the first couple of weeks I had been at school; I had been hanging out with someone for the first two because during rush, recruits were not allowed to go out and/or go to parties. So we mostly just stayed back and watched movies or chilled. We became pretty close and I was surprised at how comfortable I was around him. It felt like the beginning of something beautiful...something that I hadn't had with anyone in a very long time.
We eventually became distanced with each other when certain things started coming up; things that multiple people were involved in and it was just too hard to talk about. At that point I knew that we were better off just being friends, due to having very little in common and having completely different views on particular subjects. We would start talking again, but only very briefly. We still say hi to each other in passing and occasionally eat together with mutual friends. But for the most part, that's all it is as of right now.
There is one that I am currently in the midst of right now; one that seems like the hardest I have ever had to experience in comparison to the rest of them. The truth is, I'm still conflicted about it; I know deep down it's probably what I should do, but my heart scoffs at it unwillingly.
This friend has been a huge part of my life, yet in an out of it for the past five years or so. During the first few months of knowing each other, I confided in him about things that I had never told anyone, mostly because it was an issue of trust. He was always a good listener and never told me what to think or how to feel. I always viewed him as a rarity and the kind of person that you can't really find now a days. There is a small part of me that still does.
I think it was during the middle of my freshman year that we began to grow apart; not because of anything personal, but because of the choices that he was making and how in a way, I could only just stand there and watch. We reconnected again a year later and talked about it, causing me to breathe a sigh of relief (more so for his safety than anything else).
However, that peace was short lived; at some point during the summer we stopped talking, for reasons I won't discuss. It was painful, mostly because I didn't understand what was going on and I wasn't sure whether to be pissed off or empathetic about it; because after all, we're all human and we all fall down at some point. Even today, I still have no idea.
Our friendship has been so sporadic over these past couple of years; we talk for a few weeks through facebook and texting, and then we go months to a year without doing either. I think it's mostly because now we have incredibly separate lives; he's at home working and I'm in college in the process of becoming a full-fledged writer. Either that, or he still is extremely forgetful.
And I guess that's the reason why the whole "should I or shouldn't I?" reigns on both my heart and mind so heavily. I just recently realized that emotional distance was perhaps God's way of saying "This isn't your burden to bear. This is something that's beyond your capability to handle. Let me take care of him."
Mostly, I'm just tired; tired of reaching out, only for my questions and thoughts to go unanswered. Tired of worrying and at times, crying because I worry that much. Tired of trying to understand someone that I may or may not even know anymore.
I wouldn't do it because I want to. I would do it because I have to.
The biggest lesson I've learned from such experiences mentioned above are these; people come in and out of your life for various reasons. Some aren't meant to be in it forever. All you can really do is trust that things really do happen for a reason, and that it will make sense eventually.
Until then, you just have to keep going.
I've had to do a lot of letting go this year, mostly in regards to people. At the beginning of 2010, I had been on the outs with a friend for quite some time; to this day, I'm not sure why he was acting so coldly to me. I had actually written him a letter before Christmas explaining that I still wanted his friendship, despite our lack on conversation with each other. I never did hear from him, and as much as it sucked, I realized that he was no longer going to be a part of my life.
The second time was during the first couple of weeks I had been at school; I had been hanging out with someone for the first two because during rush, recruits were not allowed to go out and/or go to parties. So we mostly just stayed back and watched movies or chilled. We became pretty close and I was surprised at how comfortable I was around him. It felt like the beginning of something beautiful...something that I hadn't had with anyone in a very long time.
We eventually became distanced with each other when certain things started coming up; things that multiple people were involved in and it was just too hard to talk about. At that point I knew that we were better off just being friends, due to having very little in common and having completely different views on particular subjects. We would start talking again, but only very briefly. We still say hi to each other in passing and occasionally eat together with mutual friends. But for the most part, that's all it is as of right now.
There is one that I am currently in the midst of right now; one that seems like the hardest I have ever had to experience in comparison to the rest of them. The truth is, I'm still conflicted about it; I know deep down it's probably what I should do, but my heart scoffs at it unwillingly.
This friend has been a huge part of my life, yet in an out of it for the past five years or so. During the first few months of knowing each other, I confided in him about things that I had never told anyone, mostly because it was an issue of trust. He was always a good listener and never told me what to think or how to feel. I always viewed him as a rarity and the kind of person that you can't really find now a days. There is a small part of me that still does.
I think it was during the middle of my freshman year that we began to grow apart; not because of anything personal, but because of the choices that he was making and how in a way, I could only just stand there and watch. We reconnected again a year later and talked about it, causing me to breathe a sigh of relief (more so for his safety than anything else).
However, that peace was short lived; at some point during the summer we stopped talking, for reasons I won't discuss. It was painful, mostly because I didn't understand what was going on and I wasn't sure whether to be pissed off or empathetic about it; because after all, we're all human and we all fall down at some point. Even today, I still have no idea.
Our friendship has been so sporadic over these past couple of years; we talk for a few weeks through facebook and texting, and then we go months to a year without doing either. I think it's mostly because now we have incredibly separate lives; he's at home working and I'm in college in the process of becoming a full-fledged writer. Either that, or he still is extremely forgetful.
And I guess that's the reason why the whole "should I or shouldn't I?" reigns on both my heart and mind so heavily. I just recently realized that emotional distance was perhaps God's way of saying "This isn't your burden to bear. This is something that's beyond your capability to handle. Let me take care of him."
Mostly, I'm just tired; tired of reaching out, only for my questions and thoughts to go unanswered. Tired of worrying and at times, crying because I worry that much. Tired of trying to understand someone that I may or may not even know anymore.
I wouldn't do it because I want to. I would do it because I have to.
The biggest lesson I've learned from such experiences mentioned above are these; people come in and out of your life for various reasons. Some aren't meant to be in it forever. All you can really do is trust that things really do happen for a reason, and that it will make sense eventually.
Until then, you just have to keep going.
December 03, 2010
Moment
December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors)
I didn't know what I was more excited about: the dress, the fact that my act of courage had paid off, or that I was going with a date for the first time (we were more or less going as friends; it wasn't a "date" date). Nevertheless, it was the night that almost every girl thinks about at least a few years in advance; the prom. But it was also my senior prom, and another wish that I could now cross of my list of things that I'd been wanting to do before I graduated high school.
Shortly after dinner ended, the lights dimmed and so began to most cultivating part of the night: the actual dancing. I'm no MJ, Madonna, Britney or even J. Lo, but that doesn't really stop me from going all out if I feel like it. Dancing seems like one of those things that you should have to be good at in order to enjoy it, but I disagree. If you're having a blast, why exactly should you care?
My date told/warned me that he wasn't the best dancer.
I smiled, "I'm not either. Lets go!"
I can't say if there was one particular moment where I felt as though I was practically on top of the world. It was just being able to completely let go of my inhibitions and dance like there was no tomorrow. Sure, the music was not the best (my high school is more often that not known for playing really crappy music at their dances; mostly so that kids don't grind on each other like cheese graters. But that doesn't really stop anyone). But that didn't damper my feelings, such that I could almost describe as intoxicating. Lights were flashing all around and it seemed like everyone just blended together in one big clump on the dance floor. Also adding that it made the temperature increase by at least twenty degrees.
It was not any sort of romantic aspect that made it so thrilling, although for once I wasn't wishing to be in the arms of someone else, I wasn't looking around enviously at my other friends, and I wasn't wondering why things seemed to work out for other people, but not for myself. The best part about it was the sense of freedom; again, the ability to just let go and have fun. So much in fact, that at times my logical thinking went out the window...but in a good way.
I really do hope one day I'll have the kind of feeling again, or perhaps even better. But I've learned that you don't necessarily have to be dressed to the nines or in a big fancy ball room to do it. Just be sure not to set your expectations so high and go with the flow.
I didn't know what I was more excited about: the dress, the fact that my act of courage had paid off, or that I was going with a date for the first time (we were more or less going as friends; it wasn't a "date" date). Nevertheless, it was the night that almost every girl thinks about at least a few years in advance; the prom. But it was also my senior prom, and another wish that I could now cross of my list of things that I'd been wanting to do before I graduated high school.
Shortly after dinner ended, the lights dimmed and so began to most cultivating part of the night: the actual dancing. I'm no MJ, Madonna, Britney or even J. Lo, but that doesn't really stop me from going all out if I feel like it. Dancing seems like one of those things that you should have to be good at in order to enjoy it, but I disagree. If you're having a blast, why exactly should you care?
My date told/warned me that he wasn't the best dancer.
I smiled, "I'm not either. Lets go!"
I can't say if there was one particular moment where I felt as though I was practically on top of the world. It was just being able to completely let go of my inhibitions and dance like there was no tomorrow. Sure, the music was not the best (my high school is more often that not known for playing really crappy music at their dances; mostly so that kids don't grind on each other like cheese graters. But that doesn't really stop anyone). But that didn't damper my feelings, such that I could almost describe as intoxicating. Lights were flashing all around and it seemed like everyone just blended together in one big clump on the dance floor. Also adding that it made the temperature increase by at least twenty degrees.
It was not any sort of romantic aspect that made it so thrilling, although for once I wasn't wishing to be in the arms of someone else, I wasn't looking around enviously at my other friends, and I wasn't wondering why things seemed to work out for other people, but not for myself. The best part about it was the sense of freedom; again, the ability to just let go and have fun. So much in fact, that at times my logical thinking went out the window...but in a good way.
I really do hope one day I'll have the kind of feeling again, or perhaps even better. But I've learned that you don't necessarily have to be dressed to the nines or in a big fancy ball room to do it. Just be sure not to set your expectations so high and go with the flow.
December 02, 2010
A New Project
I was in the process of writing a Christmas-themed post when I came across this while reading someone else's page. Reverb10 is a one month twitter and blog project, based on reflections of 2010 and hopes for 2011. From December 1-31, you respond to each of the prompts described on the main website. Since it's December 2nd, I'll post both today's topic as well as yesterday's.
December 1-One Word
If I were to pick one word to describe 2010, it would be the year of dreams. My biggest and most desired dream was to go to college; and not just any school, but the school that I had pretty much fallen in love with after only visiting for three hours. I spent hours working on my application and several weeks writing and re-writing essays, knowing how badly I wanted to go there. I'm now currently a creative writing major at that University, and believe it's one of the best things that has happened to me in the past five years.
Of course, I had other aspirations as well; during my senior year, I made several lists of short-term and long term things that I wanted to accomplish. A lot of them involved stepping out of my comfort zone, and there were several times that I wanted to give up because I was afraid of what may be on the other side, so to speak. When it came to prom, I was scared of putting so much effort in to getting a date and having it yield no positive results. When I went rafting on the Colorado River, I constantly had visions of myself getting seriously injured or worse. Yet, I pursued them without a whole lot of preparation, and both experiences turned out to be incredible.
In regards to 2011, I hope that will be the year of doing. I have had so many visions and aspirations aside from the ones I mentioned above, many appearing to be unrealistic or unable to fully grasp. In the past, I feel like spent more time dreaming and wondering about something rather than getting off my butt and putting that dream into action. Most of the time I put off pursuing it because I was afraid; afraid of getting hurt physically and/or emotionally, afraid of chasing after something only to realize that it was the wrong thing at the wrong time. And ultimately, afraid of failure.
I don't want to live in fear anymore, regardless of what happens. It's true that sometimes you don't get everything you want, nor do things turn out the way you expect them to. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try. In the end, it's not really about an accomplishment in itself that matters. It's what you learn in the process.
December 2-Writing
In regards to writing, the one thing that keeps me from doing it is just plain ole' procrastination. There have been plenty of times where I have come up with ideas for a story or have had something happened to me that I could write about in a poem, only to have a month or more pass before I actually write it down.
But now that I really think about it, another thing that interferes with my writing (or hesitation to write) is wondering how people will view and react to it once they read it. There are blog post ideas that I have conjured up, only to type a post and delete it out of fear of what the other person on the other side of the computer screen may think once they read it. For the longest time, I refused to share my creations with my family just for that reason. There are certain topics as well as happenings in my life that I long to translate from pen to paper, but constantly go back and forth on whether or not it's a good idea. I don't want to dig out skeletons that might be better off left in the closet, or reveal things about myself that I might end up regretting talking about later on.
But the way I see it, writing is my voice; if I don't use that voice, than I will simply be silent and feel like I'm hiding who I truly am. And if I hide who I am truly am, than I am not living the best life that I could be living. The kind of life that I want to have.
The solution is simple in itself, but often difficult to put into practice. For one, there will always be people that either dislike your work or disagree with your opinion (sometimes both). You cannot allow one or multiple people to determine whether or not you'll be a successful writer. There are also those that use constructive criticism, and I need to be more open to that. If I'm being true to myself in my writing, and being true to what is in my heart, than that really is all that matters.
In regards to procrastination, I've learned that a piece prose or poem does not need to be completed in an entire day; that is, if one gives themselves enough time to get it done before a deadline. I've made it a goal to write a little bit each day. In college, it's hard to find time to do actual free-writing (meaning anything aside from research papers or homework assignments). So I need to set aside time an hour or two each day to completely devote myself to it. As of right now, I don't have any specific time slot because it really depends on the amount of studying I have to do or other tasks that need to be completed. Nonetheless, it is a goal of mine.
The one thing I keep reminding myself is if I want to accomplish my dream of being a published writer, I need to do so fearlessly and efficiently.
Take a chance, because you never know what could happen in the end.
December 1-One Word
If I were to pick one word to describe 2010, it would be the year of dreams. My biggest and most desired dream was to go to college; and not just any school, but the school that I had pretty much fallen in love with after only visiting for three hours. I spent hours working on my application and several weeks writing and re-writing essays, knowing how badly I wanted to go there. I'm now currently a creative writing major at that University, and believe it's one of the best things that has happened to me in the past five years.
Of course, I had other aspirations as well; during my senior year, I made several lists of short-term and long term things that I wanted to accomplish. A lot of them involved stepping out of my comfort zone, and there were several times that I wanted to give up because I was afraid of what may be on the other side, so to speak. When it came to prom, I was scared of putting so much effort in to getting a date and having it yield no positive results. When I went rafting on the Colorado River, I constantly had visions of myself getting seriously injured or worse. Yet, I pursued them without a whole lot of preparation, and both experiences turned out to be incredible.
In regards to 2011, I hope that will be the year of doing. I have had so many visions and aspirations aside from the ones I mentioned above, many appearing to be unrealistic or unable to fully grasp. In the past, I feel like spent more time dreaming and wondering about something rather than getting off my butt and putting that dream into action. Most of the time I put off pursuing it because I was afraid; afraid of getting hurt physically and/or emotionally, afraid of chasing after something only to realize that it was the wrong thing at the wrong time. And ultimately, afraid of failure.
I don't want to live in fear anymore, regardless of what happens. It's true that sometimes you don't get everything you want, nor do things turn out the way you expect them to. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try. In the end, it's not really about an accomplishment in itself that matters. It's what you learn in the process.
December 2-Writing
In regards to writing, the one thing that keeps me from doing it is just plain ole' procrastination. There have been plenty of times where I have come up with ideas for a story or have had something happened to me that I could write about in a poem, only to have a month or more pass before I actually write it down.
But now that I really think about it, another thing that interferes with my writing (or hesitation to write) is wondering how people will view and react to it once they read it. There are blog post ideas that I have conjured up, only to type a post and delete it out of fear of what the other person on the other side of the computer screen may think once they read it. For the longest time, I refused to share my creations with my family just for that reason. There are certain topics as well as happenings in my life that I long to translate from pen to paper, but constantly go back and forth on whether or not it's a good idea. I don't want to dig out skeletons that might be better off left in the closet, or reveal things about myself that I might end up regretting talking about later on.
But the way I see it, writing is my voice; if I don't use that voice, than I will simply be silent and feel like I'm hiding who I truly am. And if I hide who I am truly am, than I am not living the best life that I could be living. The kind of life that I want to have.
The solution is simple in itself, but often difficult to put into practice. For one, there will always be people that either dislike your work or disagree with your opinion (sometimes both). You cannot allow one or multiple people to determine whether or not you'll be a successful writer. There are also those that use constructive criticism, and I need to be more open to that. If I'm being true to myself in my writing, and being true to what is in my heart, than that really is all that matters.
In regards to procrastination, I've learned that a piece prose or poem does not need to be completed in an entire day; that is, if one gives themselves enough time to get it done before a deadline. I've made it a goal to write a little bit each day. In college, it's hard to find time to do actual free-writing (meaning anything aside from research papers or homework assignments). So I need to set aside time an hour or two each day to completely devote myself to it. As of right now, I don't have any specific time slot because it really depends on the amount of studying I have to do or other tasks that need to be completed. Nonetheless, it is a goal of mine.
The one thing I keep reminding myself is if I want to accomplish my dream of being a published writer, I need to do so fearlessly and efficiently.
Take a chance, because you never know what could happen in the end.
November 25, 2010
Thank You
I've always remembered to count my blessings on thanksgiving, but they have always seem so standard: "I am thankful for my family, friends, home, church, etc." Those words always felt so dry in my mouth, as though deep down I felt like I didn't really mean them.
Well, this year is different...very different.
This year, or shall I say this time in my life, I feel like I've been able to take a look around me and really be grateful for what I've been given and what I've been able to do. I believe the key thing with that is not rushing through anything; when I was younger, every stage and chapter in my life was always a means to an end. I was always telling myself "just get through this, and everything will be better afterward." There was always a bypassing of what I had at that moment, and instead looking ahead to the future.
But right now, I don't want to do that. I have so much right here in front of me, and I want to enjoy every moment that I have of it. This I believe, is a time in my life where I'll one day look back and say "yeah, that really was good!"
Even though it's almost the end of the semester, I still wake up and marvel at how far I've come; that I'm actually in college and pursuing many of the dreams that I've had since I was a child. I'm thankful for the friends that I've made so far, the things that I've been able to do, and the lessons and maturity that I've gained from all of it.
And because of the maturity, I have had a new appreciation for my family; a lot of times I'm often closed off and hostile toward them, because I tend to think that they'll never really be able to understand how I live my life and what I've had to go through to do so. Over the course of time though, I've seen that they all just want me to be happy. My Mother especially has been my biggest champion, despite my not taking notice of it until now. Family itself has become essential to me, and I don't plan on taking any of that for granted.
Most importantly, I am thankful to God; the one who has given all of this to me, and can just as easily take it away. Admittedly, I have put my faith on the back-burner for quite sometime. That in itself is another topic to write about later on, but I know that I must never forget where all these wonderful blessings are coming from!
So wherever you are, whoever you're with, and whatever you might be doing- take a minute today and just say "Thank You!"
Well, this year is different...very different.
This year, or shall I say this time in my life, I feel like I've been able to take a look around me and really be grateful for what I've been given and what I've been able to do. I believe the key thing with that is not rushing through anything; when I was younger, every stage and chapter in my life was always a means to an end. I was always telling myself "just get through this, and everything will be better afterward." There was always a bypassing of what I had at that moment, and instead looking ahead to the future.
But right now, I don't want to do that. I have so much right here in front of me, and I want to enjoy every moment that I have of it. This I believe, is a time in my life where I'll one day look back and say "yeah, that really was good!"
Even though it's almost the end of the semester, I still wake up and marvel at how far I've come; that I'm actually in college and pursuing many of the dreams that I've had since I was a child. I'm thankful for the friends that I've made so far, the things that I've been able to do, and the lessons and maturity that I've gained from all of it.
And because of the maturity, I have had a new appreciation for my family; a lot of times I'm often closed off and hostile toward them, because I tend to think that they'll never really be able to understand how I live my life and what I've had to go through to do so. Over the course of time though, I've seen that they all just want me to be happy. My Mother especially has been my biggest champion, despite my not taking notice of it until now. Family itself has become essential to me, and I don't plan on taking any of that for granted.
Most importantly, I am thankful to God; the one who has given all of this to me, and can just as easily take it away. Admittedly, I have put my faith on the back-burner for quite sometime. That in itself is another topic to write about later on, but I know that I must never forget where all these wonderful blessings are coming from!
So wherever you are, whoever you're with, and whatever you might be doing- take a minute today and just say "Thank You!"
November 23, 2010
Part 2
I was reading over my previous post, and I realized that I may have come off as a bit of a know-it-all when it comes to men and relationships. In all sincerity, that was not my intention at all; and I probably only know a tiny fraction of what there is to know about that kind of stuff. But I wanted to clarify (and perhaps apologize) to those that might have been slightly offended by what I said. I was not trying to tell anyone what to do, but to simply state my opinion in regards to how I feel about those particular aspects.
Truthfully, doing a lot of thinking about love and relationships, and how those two things together have affected my life thus far. And not only that, but I asked myself, just what do you truly want in a man? What do you want to get out a relationship with someone? What do you want to give to that person that you're in a relationship with?
When it all comes down to it, I just want a guy that is able to understand me and fully accept me for the person that I am. A guy that will communicate with me and not be afraid to tell me how he feels, whether it be good or bad. But most importantly, a guy that will take his time with me and whatever we might have in the future. That's when I believe real love can happen; when two people give it time and don't rush into anything
I know that being with someone isn't a fairytale, or that all your problems will be solved. I've never envisioned it to be all the cliches that it's often portrayed as. Truthfully, I don't really want something out of a movie or a book, but to be unique and all our own. Forget dinner and a movie; I want to be doing something where I can laugh and be my sweet, bubbly self. Don't give me things or do stuff for me if you think that I just expect them; be honest and sincere.
The most frustrating part is feeling like there are so many loopholes to get through; It's like looking at a perfectly straight line and then realizing that there are all these criss-crossed laser beams to avoid. In reality it's probably quite simple. We as a culture just tend to make it more complicated then it needs to be.
For now, I'm focusing on myself and just meeting people. I need to be able to get to know someone without constantly living in fear of them leaving or hurting me. I need to take chances without constantly going over the what-if's. I need to leave the past where it is and keep moving forward.
Truthfully, doing a lot of thinking about love and relationships, and how those two things together have affected my life thus far. And not only that, but I asked myself, just what do you truly want in a man? What do you want to get out a relationship with someone? What do you want to give to that person that you're in a relationship with?
When it all comes down to it, I just want a guy that is able to understand me and fully accept me for the person that I am. A guy that will communicate with me and not be afraid to tell me how he feels, whether it be good or bad. But most importantly, a guy that will take his time with me and whatever we might have in the future. That's when I believe real love can happen; when two people give it time and don't rush into anything
I know that being with someone isn't a fairytale, or that all your problems will be solved. I've never envisioned it to be all the cliches that it's often portrayed as. Truthfully, I don't really want something out of a movie or a book, but to be unique and all our own. Forget dinner and a movie; I want to be doing something where I can laugh and be my sweet, bubbly self. Don't give me things or do stuff for me if you think that I just expect them; be honest and sincere.
The most frustrating part is feeling like there are so many loopholes to get through; It's like looking at a perfectly straight line and then realizing that there are all these criss-crossed laser beams to avoid. In reality it's probably quite simple. We as a culture just tend to make it more complicated then it needs to be.
For now, I'm focusing on myself and just meeting people. I need to be able to get to know someone without constantly living in fear of them leaving or hurting me. I need to take chances without constantly going over the what-if's. I need to leave the past where it is and keep moving forward.
November 21, 2010
I Just Don't Get It
I was warned a few weeks before I left that first year/freshman college guys weren't really anything special; a lot of them are just out to get laid and don't want anything to get serious right away. I understood that, because when you're in a new place you don't want to necessarily focus on one thing, but be able to explore your options.
But on the other hand, all I keep hearing is how terrible guys are, or simply "they just suck!" Heck, I have friends that are considering becoming lesbians because they think relationships are easier that way (not sure if they're being serious or not, and I can't say whether or not there's any truth to that).
In the midst of all that, sometimes I would just like to scream "what in the world is with all this negativity?!?"
Up until a month ago, I could never quite grasp just how different the dating scene is around here. It's true that the quality may not really change (at least not at first), but the way of going about relationships does. Over time I've realized that you really should take into consideration the beliefs and values that a person has, the qualities that a person has (i.e. kindness doesn't always mean that they'll be a good boyfriend/girlfriend), and whether or not there is even a connection to be shared.
And perhaps the most important? That you have to set boundaries for yourself.
I've never been an official relationship before, so it might seem strange to some as to how I'm actually coming up with all of this. But I have had a lot of guys in my life; and although none of them ever became more, we did grow very close. I've observed what not to do through the relationships that my friends have had as well as lost. I've been given numerous pieces of advice from friends and family members that I am now just starting to take to heart.
So far, the biggest conclusion that I've come to is the reason why I never really dated anyone in high school: I always beat myself up whenever something didn't work out because I believed it was my fault. Had I gone about certain things differently, then maybe it would have worked out.
However, it dawned on me just recently that it wasn't about me. They liked me and cared for me; they just didn't understand me or the way I tend to view certain aspects of life. Essentially, they didn't know how to love me the way I wanted to be loved. The way I deserve to be loved.
I probably sound a little full of myself when I say that, but I personally believe that there's some truth to it. When you're in a certain age range, you can only grasp so much about relationships and loving another person. I'm not sure how to fully explain it, but lets just say that one's perspective might be somewhat limited.
The one thing that perplexes me the most is the whole concept of hooking up. Now let me just say that I'm not judging anyone in particular, as well as people that do it in general. I know that I don't like people telling me how to live my life, so I certainly won't go preaching to other people about what they should or shouldn't be doing with theirs. But I've taken a lot of time to be honest with myself, and I know now that I'm not very comfortable with that at all. Yes, I did consider it when I first got to campus; I was in a new place and at times it felt like the skies were the limit. I was just willing to have fun and see where it went afterward.
Yet, I could not ignore the confusion or the questions that I felt myself asking: is there another girl? does he actually care for me? Could this go somewhere if we actually allowed it to?
Truth is, I don't think I could handle it, even if we both agreed that it was just a one-time thing. I'm a very emotional personal, and having a physical connection with someone without any meaning would most likely eat away at me for a long time. I haven't had my first kiss yet, and I would prefer it to be with someone that I truly cared for and vice versa. I don't want to waste it on someone that doesn't feel the same way that I do.
When it all comes down to it, I can't share my body without sharing my heart. And if I can't do that, well then it just won't work.
The way I see it, it's like a microwave meal vs. something that's home cooked. When you make one of those boxed-up frozen dinners, you only have to cook it for five minutes and most, eat it quickly and then you're done. When you have something that's home-cooked, it takes a lot of preparation and time to get it ready; sometimes it has to sit for a few hours and then cook for a few more. But even though it takes awhile, it's delicious when you sit down and actually take the time to enjoy it. And in most cases, you're not hungry for more afterward.
Thats how I kind of view relationships these days, or real ones that is: they a lot of time, a lot of patience and a lot of effort. Pardon me for being crass, but I don't want the packaged, processed, get-it-quick-and-go bullshit. I want the real thing, dammit! Just because plenty of other people are doing something doesn't mean that I have to.
However, I do realize that I have to be realistic: love isn't all what it's portrayed to be, to put it simply.
But really, I don't want a love like the movies or a certain specific couple. I want something that the two of us can have all our own.
And I don't believe in prince charming, but I do believe that if you really take the time to get to know someone, you can find a little bit of that in every guy.
And despite what people say about true love being dead...I can't say that I believe that either. Love, in essence, will pop up when you least expect it. It will take you by surprise and maybe even take you on the ride of your life.
What I've said in this post might have seemed a little too honest. Some people might be reading this and wondering what in the world is wrong with me, saying things like that. But I'm tired of hiding...whether people lose or gain respect for me after reading this, then so be it. This is just me being who I am. And if there's one way you could lose out on a fully-lived life, it's by not being exactly who you are.
But on the other hand, all I keep hearing is how terrible guys are, or simply "they just suck!" Heck, I have friends that are considering becoming lesbians because they think relationships are easier that way (not sure if they're being serious or not, and I can't say whether or not there's any truth to that).
In the midst of all that, sometimes I would just like to scream "what in the world is with all this negativity?!?"
Up until a month ago, I could never quite grasp just how different the dating scene is around here. It's true that the quality may not really change (at least not at first), but the way of going about relationships does. Over time I've realized that you really should take into consideration the beliefs and values that a person has, the qualities that a person has (i.e. kindness doesn't always mean that they'll be a good boyfriend/girlfriend), and whether or not there is even a connection to be shared.
And perhaps the most important? That you have to set boundaries for yourself.
I've never been an official relationship before, so it might seem strange to some as to how I'm actually coming up with all of this. But I have had a lot of guys in my life; and although none of them ever became more, we did grow very close. I've observed what not to do through the relationships that my friends have had as well as lost. I've been given numerous pieces of advice from friends and family members that I am now just starting to take to heart.
So far, the biggest conclusion that I've come to is the reason why I never really dated anyone in high school: I always beat myself up whenever something didn't work out because I believed it was my fault. Had I gone about certain things differently, then maybe it would have worked out.
However, it dawned on me just recently that it wasn't about me. They liked me and cared for me; they just didn't understand me or the way I tend to view certain aspects of life. Essentially, they didn't know how to love me the way I wanted to be loved. The way I deserve to be loved.
I probably sound a little full of myself when I say that, but I personally believe that there's some truth to it. When you're in a certain age range, you can only grasp so much about relationships and loving another person. I'm not sure how to fully explain it, but lets just say that one's perspective might be somewhat limited.
The one thing that perplexes me the most is the whole concept of hooking up. Now let me just say that I'm not judging anyone in particular, as well as people that do it in general. I know that I don't like people telling me how to live my life, so I certainly won't go preaching to other people about what they should or shouldn't be doing with theirs. But I've taken a lot of time to be honest with myself, and I know now that I'm not very comfortable with that at all. Yes, I did consider it when I first got to campus; I was in a new place and at times it felt like the skies were the limit. I was just willing to have fun and see where it went afterward.
Yet, I could not ignore the confusion or the questions that I felt myself asking: is there another girl? does he actually care for me? Could this go somewhere if we actually allowed it to?
Truth is, I don't think I could handle it, even if we both agreed that it was just a one-time thing. I'm a very emotional personal, and having a physical connection with someone without any meaning would most likely eat away at me for a long time. I haven't had my first kiss yet, and I would prefer it to be with someone that I truly cared for and vice versa. I don't want to waste it on someone that doesn't feel the same way that I do.
When it all comes down to it, I can't share my body without sharing my heart. And if I can't do that, well then it just won't work.
The way I see it, it's like a microwave meal vs. something that's home cooked. When you make one of those boxed-up frozen dinners, you only have to cook it for five minutes and most, eat it quickly and then you're done. When you have something that's home-cooked, it takes a lot of preparation and time to get it ready; sometimes it has to sit for a few hours and then cook for a few more. But even though it takes awhile, it's delicious when you sit down and actually take the time to enjoy it. And in most cases, you're not hungry for more afterward.
Thats how I kind of view relationships these days, or real ones that is: they a lot of time, a lot of patience and a lot of effort. Pardon me for being crass, but I don't want the packaged, processed, get-it-quick-and-go bullshit. I want the real thing, dammit! Just because plenty of other people are doing something doesn't mean that I have to.
However, I do realize that I have to be realistic: love isn't all what it's portrayed to be, to put it simply.
But really, I don't want a love like the movies or a certain specific couple. I want something that the two of us can have all our own.
And I don't believe in prince charming, but I do believe that if you really take the time to get to know someone, you can find a little bit of that in every guy.
And despite what people say about true love being dead...I can't say that I believe that either. Love, in essence, will pop up when you least expect it. It will take you by surprise and maybe even take you on the ride of your life.
What I've said in this post might have seemed a little too honest. Some people might be reading this and wondering what in the world is wrong with me, saying things like that. But I'm tired of hiding...whether people lose or gain respect for me after reading this, then so be it. This is just me being who I am. And if there's one way you could lose out on a fully-lived life, it's by not being exactly who you are.
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