December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors)
I didn't know what I was more excited about: the dress, the fact that my act of courage had paid off, or that I was going with a date for the first time (we were more or less going as friends; it wasn't a "date" date). Nevertheless, it was the night that almost every girl thinks about at least a few years in advance; the prom. But it was also my senior prom, and another wish that I could now cross of my list of things that I'd been wanting to do before I graduated high school.
Shortly after dinner ended, the lights dimmed and so began to most cultivating part of the night: the actual dancing. I'm no MJ, Madonna, Britney or even J. Lo, but that doesn't really stop me from going all out if I feel like it. Dancing seems like one of those things that you should have to be good at in order to enjoy it, but I disagree. If you're having a blast, why exactly should you care?
My date told/warned me that he wasn't the best dancer.
I smiled, "I'm not either. Lets go!"
I can't say if there was one particular moment where I felt as though I was practically on top of the world. It was just being able to completely let go of my inhibitions and dance like there was no tomorrow. Sure, the music was not the best (my high school is more often that not known for playing really crappy music at their dances; mostly so that kids don't grind on each other like cheese graters. But that doesn't really stop anyone). But that didn't damper my feelings, such that I could almost describe as intoxicating. Lights were flashing all around and it seemed like everyone just blended together in one big clump on the dance floor. Also adding that it made the temperature increase by at least twenty degrees.
It was not any sort of romantic aspect that made it so thrilling, although for once I wasn't wishing to be in the arms of someone else, I wasn't looking around enviously at my other friends, and I wasn't wondering why things seemed to work out for other people, but not for myself. The best part about it was the sense of freedom; again, the ability to just let go and have fun. So much in fact, that at times my logical thinking went out the window...but in a good way.
I really do hope one day I'll have the kind of feeling again, or perhaps even better. But I've learned that you don't necessarily have to be dressed to the nines or in a big fancy ball room to do it. Just be sure not to set your expectations so high and go with the flow.
Showing posts with label senior year. Show all posts
Showing posts with label senior year. Show all posts
December 03, 2010
June 04, 2010
And so it ends
Some would call it the beginning of the end, others would say it was the end of the beginning. Either way, I'm graduating high school tonight and am honestly floored by the prospect of this particular event. Like so many other people in my life (mainly family members) I thought of graduation as being a day that was never going to come.
I look back on my years and marvel at how drastically different I was as a freshman; to put it bluntly, I was scared as hell coming into high school. There were a lot of painful memories that I was still trying to put behind me, but at the same time, I was still trying to hold onto those that'd I been close with in middle school. I remember how insecure and dramatic I was, both as a freshman, sophomore, and even a junior. I didn't really allow myself to be my own person, because I was so swept up in what people thought of me.
It's obvious that everyone changes in between being a freshman and a senior; your looks change, you make and lose friends, and you learn from both good and bad experiences. But from a personal standpoint, I feel like I have truly grown up. And I believe the key thing with that was just letting go: Meaning, I was no longer going to worry about what was going to happen tomorrow or in the future. Instead of fretting over what people thought of me, I was going to keep in mind that those that matter aren't going to care if I make mistakes at times or look like a total dork at times, because that's a part of who I am. I wasn't going to become fixated on a guy, but rather take it for what it is and just let things happen as they're meant to.
This year in particular has really changed me; I've learned the value of hard work, and that NOTHING ever gets handed to you for free (if anyone has that kind of mindset, they're in for a rude awakening). If you really want to go to college, (along with a lot of other things in life) you have to work for it. Some things you have to let happen on their own, but others you have to get off your ass and go get them yourself.
There are certain friendships that aren't meant to last forever; people change, and for whatever reason, sometimes they stop caring altogether. When that happens, you have to learn to let them go. It's a very painful aspect, one that I had to learn repeatedly. But just because you might lose someone, doesn't mean there isn't room for new people in the future. When it all comes down to it, change is inevitable.
I may not have had the classic, perhaps almost cliche high school experiences that many people want. But when I think about it, I probably experienced more then most people have the opportunity to do in their lifetime.
I wouldn't look at high school as the "glory days" so to speak. In reality, one should make the most of every stage in their lives, regardless if they're fourteen or forty. And now that I think about it, I wouldn't want to have everything right here and right now, as some put it. When joy is spread out, one is less likely to take it for granted.
So for now, I'm saying goodbye to high school, and HELLO to college!
I look back on my years and marvel at how drastically different I was as a freshman; to put it bluntly, I was scared as hell coming into high school. There were a lot of painful memories that I was still trying to put behind me, but at the same time, I was still trying to hold onto those that'd I been close with in middle school. I remember how insecure and dramatic I was, both as a freshman, sophomore, and even a junior. I didn't really allow myself to be my own person, because I was so swept up in what people thought of me.
It's obvious that everyone changes in between being a freshman and a senior; your looks change, you make and lose friends, and you learn from both good and bad experiences. But from a personal standpoint, I feel like I have truly grown up. And I believe the key thing with that was just letting go: Meaning, I was no longer going to worry about what was going to happen tomorrow or in the future. Instead of fretting over what people thought of me, I was going to keep in mind that those that matter aren't going to care if I make mistakes at times or look like a total dork at times, because that's a part of who I am. I wasn't going to become fixated on a guy, but rather take it for what it is and just let things happen as they're meant to.
This year in particular has really changed me; I've learned the value of hard work, and that NOTHING ever gets handed to you for free (if anyone has that kind of mindset, they're in for a rude awakening). If you really want to go to college, (along with a lot of other things in life) you have to work for it. Some things you have to let happen on their own, but others you have to get off your ass and go get them yourself.
There are certain friendships that aren't meant to last forever; people change, and for whatever reason, sometimes they stop caring altogether. When that happens, you have to learn to let them go. It's a very painful aspect, one that I had to learn repeatedly. But just because you might lose someone, doesn't mean there isn't room for new people in the future. When it all comes down to it, change is inevitable.
I may not have had the classic, perhaps almost cliche high school experiences that many people want. But when I think about it, I probably experienced more then most people have the opportunity to do in their lifetime.
I wouldn't look at high school as the "glory days" so to speak. In reality, one should make the most of every stage in their lives, regardless if they're fourteen or forty. And now that I think about it, I wouldn't want to have everything right here and right now, as some put it. When joy is spread out, one is less likely to take it for granted.
So for now, I'm saying goodbye to high school, and HELLO to college!
April 27, 2010
Almost there...
I have six weeks left to go. About a month, minus the weekends.
I don't say that with sadness, nor with a "get me out of here!" kind of attitude. It's rather strange, almost foreign when I think about it; maybe because a good amount of people thought I wasn't going to make it. Not because I wasn't smart enough, but because they didn't expect me to live past infancy.
It hasn't quite hit me yet. I know it's coming up, but it just seems so out there.
Life in general has brought me a lot of joy in the last couple of weeks: my college loan was approved, I got into the dorm that I wanted (on top of that, my whole floor is English and Writing majors!) and I'm going to prom with an incredibly sweet guy. But it's not just happenings that are putting a mile-wide smile on my face.
Whenever I look in the mirror, I no longer see a girl that allowed her insecurities to get the best of her or constantly relied on other people to make her happy. Instead, I see a young woman that's allowed her experiences, both good and bad, to mold her into the person that she is; a strong, outgoing, spunky (sometimes feisty) independent woman.
I feel really good about all of it. And not to sound full of myself, but I'm rather proud of these changes. I've come a long way, both from my younger years and the beginning of this year.
It's fresh and inviting, this new perspective that I have. I'm not focusing on boys in particular because I want to give someone the chance to pursue me. Let me tell you, it's nice when someone in particular isn't dominating your every thought or emotion. That's not to say that I don't think about certain people, but I'm not fixated. I want to be in a relationship for the right reasons and for the both of us to truly have feelings for each other. There's a difference between liking someone for who they are, and liking someone because you like the idea of who they are.
I'm just choosing to go with the flow. Letting go and letting God. I'm putting my thoughts into actions, but I'm not being a perfectionist about any of it.
Ultimately, I'm in a good place at this moment. I don't have any particular plan, but sometimes you get more then you expected when you just let things happen as they're meant to happen.
I don't say that with sadness, nor with a "get me out of here!" kind of attitude. It's rather strange, almost foreign when I think about it; maybe because a good amount of people thought I wasn't going to make it. Not because I wasn't smart enough, but because they didn't expect me to live past infancy.
It hasn't quite hit me yet. I know it's coming up, but it just seems so out there.
Life in general has brought me a lot of joy in the last couple of weeks: my college loan was approved, I got into the dorm that I wanted (on top of that, my whole floor is English and Writing majors!) and I'm going to prom with an incredibly sweet guy. But it's not just happenings that are putting a mile-wide smile on my face.
Whenever I look in the mirror, I no longer see a girl that allowed her insecurities to get the best of her or constantly relied on other people to make her happy. Instead, I see a young woman that's allowed her experiences, both good and bad, to mold her into the person that she is; a strong, outgoing, spunky (sometimes feisty) independent woman.
I feel really good about all of it. And not to sound full of myself, but I'm rather proud of these changes. I've come a long way, both from my younger years and the beginning of this year.
It's fresh and inviting, this new perspective that I have. I'm not focusing on boys in particular because I want to give someone the chance to pursue me. Let me tell you, it's nice when someone in particular isn't dominating your every thought or emotion. That's not to say that I don't think about certain people, but I'm not fixated. I want to be in a relationship for the right reasons and for the both of us to truly have feelings for each other. There's a difference between liking someone for who they are, and liking someone because you like the idea of who they are.
I'm just choosing to go with the flow. Letting go and letting God. I'm putting my thoughts into actions, but I'm not being a perfectionist about any of it.
Ultimately, I'm in a good place at this moment. I don't have any particular plan, but sometimes you get more then you expected when you just let things happen as they're meant to happen.
April 05, 2010
No More
I have always tended to view myself as Wonder Woman in real life; the kind of person that goes through a ton of BS and comes out smelling like a rose, having the ability to get right back up when she gets knocked down, and ultimately not needing help from anybody whatsoever. For the last six months or so, that's the way my outlook has been.
When three of my closest friends (from school) left for college last August, I was somewhat afraid, but confident at the same time in regards of having someone to fall back on. Unfortunately that relationship began to fall apart over the course of time, and by Christmas break I couldn't take it anymore. I felt the need to be alone and deal with the pain all by myself. I didn't want to become dependent on anyone to make me happy and ultimately become a band-aid.
Along with that, I'd been told numerous times that this was the time "to start growing up and learning how to deal with things on your own" because "There are going to be people there that just aren't going to give a crap about how you feel or what you're going through." That struck a chord with me because my family was (and still is) fairly skeptical of my ability to function independently. To me, it was my way of proving that I was growing up and could live life as an adult.
That attitude would carry over into other areas as well. It has kept me from developing close friendships with my classmates. I stopped going to youth group and most of the time have been going through the motions on Sundays during church. Whenever anyone in my family has asked, I just retort by saying that I don't want to talk about it (I will be honest though, I'm rather tired of the cynicism). My journal has been untouched for months, and I don't think I've written one poem or story that I consider deep or meaningful, lest including college essays in that category.
When it all comes down to it, life has been very lonely up to this point. Sometimes I feel like I'm just surviving rather than living.
But while being on break from school, it hit me that being an adult doesn't make you invincible; it doesn't make you immune to struggles or pain, and doesn't always mean that you have to deal with it all by yourself.
As much as I try to be, I'm nowhere near Wonder Woman.
I really do miss being close to people. I miss that sense of community and knowing that I can come to a place where I feel safe and secure. I want to be able to go to people again and talk about how I feel without apprehension or fear. Sometimes I don't always feel like talking about it, though. There are times where I just want to be held, or to be prayed for. I want to do all of that without feeling like an inconvenience.
Deep down, I miss having faith. I remember when I was thirteen, how both God and faith were such a central part of my life. I won't deny that I've questioned my beliefs or debated right from wrong, but I'll save that for another time. Faith is freedom from worry, and unfortunately I've become a compulsive worrier. I long for the kind of peace and joy that I once felt so long ago.
The root of all this silence is pride. I do have a habit of not asking for help when I need it, nor do I really like to. Heck, I'd rather bend over backwards and try to do it all myself rather than have someone help me do it. I'm not sure if it's because I want to prove something to people, or because I want my friends and family to be proud of me. Maybe it's both.
But I know I can't do it on my own. In reality, no one really can. Does that mean a person has to cry wolf every time something happens? No. But that doesn't mean that have to walk all alone through the forest either.
When three of my closest friends (from school) left for college last August, I was somewhat afraid, but confident at the same time in regards of having someone to fall back on. Unfortunately that relationship began to fall apart over the course of time, and by Christmas break I couldn't take it anymore. I felt the need to be alone and deal with the pain all by myself. I didn't want to become dependent on anyone to make me happy and ultimately become a band-aid.
Along with that, I'd been told numerous times that this was the time "to start growing up and learning how to deal with things on your own" because "There are going to be people there that just aren't going to give a crap about how you feel or what you're going through." That struck a chord with me because my family was (and still is) fairly skeptical of my ability to function independently. To me, it was my way of proving that I was growing up and could live life as an adult.
That attitude would carry over into other areas as well. It has kept me from developing close friendships with my classmates. I stopped going to youth group and most of the time have been going through the motions on Sundays during church. Whenever anyone in my family has asked, I just retort by saying that I don't want to talk about it (I will be honest though, I'm rather tired of the cynicism). My journal has been untouched for months, and I don't think I've written one poem or story that I consider deep or meaningful, lest including college essays in that category.
When it all comes down to it, life has been very lonely up to this point. Sometimes I feel like I'm just surviving rather than living.
But while being on break from school, it hit me that being an adult doesn't make you invincible; it doesn't make you immune to struggles or pain, and doesn't always mean that you have to deal with it all by yourself.
As much as I try to be, I'm nowhere near Wonder Woman.
I really do miss being close to people. I miss that sense of community and knowing that I can come to a place where I feel safe and secure. I want to be able to go to people again and talk about how I feel without apprehension or fear. Sometimes I don't always feel like talking about it, though. There are times where I just want to be held, or to be prayed for. I want to do all of that without feeling like an inconvenience.
Deep down, I miss having faith. I remember when I was thirteen, how both God and faith were such a central part of my life. I won't deny that I've questioned my beliefs or debated right from wrong, but I'll save that for another time. Faith is freedom from worry, and unfortunately I've become a compulsive worrier. I long for the kind of peace and joy that I once felt so long ago.
The root of all this silence is pride. I do have a habit of not asking for help when I need it, nor do I really like to. Heck, I'd rather bend over backwards and try to do it all myself rather than have someone help me do it. I'm not sure if it's because I want to prove something to people, or because I want my friends and family to be proud of me. Maybe it's both.
But I know I can't do it on my own. In reality, no one really can. Does that mean a person has to cry wolf every time something happens? No. But that doesn't mean that have to walk all alone through the forest either.
January 31, 2010
Eighteen Years
Tomorrow, February 1st will mark my eighteenth birthday. I'll be able to buy my own lottery ticket (and an assortment of other stuff) as well as be free of a curfew and not be under my parents responsability. But for me, it's not just about all those things. It's actually a lot more then that.
I was a premature baby; my mother gave birth to me when I was only at the twenty-seven week gestation period, and spent about four and a half months in the NICU. My survival rate was skeptical and there were several times where I came close to death. I have several major surgeries over the course of time, and have been through various physical and emotional stages throughout my life, some that will have a lasting effect on me. But I am here at this moment, alive.
When one is healed from a sickness/disease, or have miraculously survived a health-related ordeal, much of the credit will go to modern medicine. I do agree that there is truth to that, but only to an extent. On the other side of things, one has to have the will-power and the strength to fight so that the medicine will work.
My mom has always told me that even at two days old, I was a feisty little thing; I was constantly kicking my diapers off and the nurses had to put little mittens on my hands, and somewhat pin them to the bed so that I wouldn't tear off the tube that was connected to the ventilator. I don't think that a one pound, fifteen ounce baby could do that alone. I believe that I am still because of the amazing Grace of God. When it all comes down to it, Faith and spirituality are the two most core things that have gotten me to this point in my life. I do believe that I have a purpose; otherwise I don't think I would be here.
Last night I wept, not in sadness or frustration, but in gratitude. That happens sometimes, where there are little to no words that can express my being thankful, so I just cry. I am incredibly thankful for my family, especially my parents and grandparents, who've been my champions and "biggest fans" (as my Grandfather likes to phrase it) since I was born. My Mom and Dad have supported me in everything I've done, and have done their best to comfort me and be there for me when hugs and kisses couldn't make everything better.
My siblings have also played a huge role in me getting to where I am today; at just a baby himself, my brother was my motivation for crawling and later on, walking. Now he has been the one that has motivated me to get my butt in gear and get my driver's liscense. My sister has always helped take care of me, both physically and emotionally. I am so proud of them for what they have accomplished athletic-wise, and they've become my role models for hard work and success.
Friends, regardless of how long they've been in my life or how close I've been with them are very special to me as well. There are very many who've taken the time in getting to know me and trying to understand me, as there are times where I feel misunderstood by the rest of the world. Regardless of the time or circumstances, I see them all as angels and am grateful for their love and support.
This particular post may sound incredibly sappy and sentimental to some, but this is a huge milestone for me. Also, I consider myself to be very blessed by still having the chance to be here, so I try to appreciate even the smallest things in life. Birthdays are included :)
The journey is not over for me though...in fact, it's far from over. I have many more things to accomplish, including graduating from high school in about three months and going away to school not long after. It's going to be quite a ride, but a ride that I'll no less do my best to enjoy and cherish.
If there was any way to sum up how I feel about my life, these lyrics ("Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas) would jut about do it:
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
I was a premature baby; my mother gave birth to me when I was only at the twenty-seven week gestation period, and spent about four and a half months in the NICU. My survival rate was skeptical and there were several times where I came close to death. I have several major surgeries over the course of time, and have been through various physical and emotional stages throughout my life, some that will have a lasting effect on me. But I am here at this moment, alive.
When one is healed from a sickness/disease, or have miraculously survived a health-related ordeal, much of the credit will go to modern medicine. I do agree that there is truth to that, but only to an extent. On the other side of things, one has to have the will-power and the strength to fight so that the medicine will work.
My mom has always told me that even at two days old, I was a feisty little thing; I was constantly kicking my diapers off and the nurses had to put little mittens on my hands, and somewhat pin them to the bed so that I wouldn't tear off the tube that was connected to the ventilator. I don't think that a one pound, fifteen ounce baby could do that alone. I believe that I am still because of the amazing Grace of God. When it all comes down to it, Faith and spirituality are the two most core things that have gotten me to this point in my life. I do believe that I have a purpose; otherwise I don't think I would be here.
Last night I wept, not in sadness or frustration, but in gratitude. That happens sometimes, where there are little to no words that can express my being thankful, so I just cry. I am incredibly thankful for my family, especially my parents and grandparents, who've been my champions and "biggest fans" (as my Grandfather likes to phrase it) since I was born. My Mom and Dad have supported me in everything I've done, and have done their best to comfort me and be there for me when hugs and kisses couldn't make everything better.
My siblings have also played a huge role in me getting to where I am today; at just a baby himself, my brother was my motivation for crawling and later on, walking. Now he has been the one that has motivated me to get my butt in gear and get my driver's liscense. My sister has always helped take care of me, both physically and emotionally. I am so proud of them for what they have accomplished athletic-wise, and they've become my role models for hard work and success.
Friends, regardless of how long they've been in my life or how close I've been with them are very special to me as well. There are very many who've taken the time in getting to know me and trying to understand me, as there are times where I feel misunderstood by the rest of the world. Regardless of the time or circumstances, I see them all as angels and am grateful for their love and support.
This particular post may sound incredibly sappy and sentimental to some, but this is a huge milestone for me. Also, I consider myself to be very blessed by still having the chance to be here, so I try to appreciate even the smallest things in life. Birthdays are included :)
The journey is not over for me though...in fact, it's far from over. I have many more things to accomplish, including graduating from high school in about three months and going away to school not long after. It's going to be quite a ride, but a ride that I'll no less do my best to enjoy and cherish.
If there was any way to sum up how I feel about my life, these lyrics ("Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas) would jut about do it:
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
January 13, 2010
One Down
I'm in the midst of taking my first semester finals, and I'm amazed at how the first half of senior year has already come and gone. It was an all right one, but one that was definately full of stress and a ton of crap that I'm glad to have put behind me (for the most part).
I won't deny that I'm dealing with a bout of senioritis; I'm sick of being in classes that I don't get very much out of and that I don't even have to neccessarily be in (I only signed up for them because they were prerequisites for the schools I wanted to get into). I'm sick of wearing a uniform that I usually either freeze in or a sweat like a pig in, and not to mention that it's made of almost pure plastic. I'm sick of waking up before sunrise every morning, running around for seven hours, and then barely having any energy to do anything when I get home.
Frankly, I'm just bored.
On the other side of things, I'm not in that much of a rush to graduate. I constantly hear "oh I'm so ready to be done!" and in a way I agree with them. But yet I personally feel like there are so many more things I want to do and alot of memories that I want to make. I don't wanna be going through the motions by just going to school, coming home, doing my homework and then doing it all over again for the next four and a half months or so.
Right now I'm not particularly scared of anything related to graduating or college; those fears will most likely set it around sometime in July and August. What I'm scared of most is letting the next semester go by while I'm just sitting around thinking about stuff and not actually pursuing it. Thats what I tend to annoy myself the most with; making plans but not having those plans come to fruition.
And I think I speak for most if not all seniors when I say that I've worked my butt off up to this point, and I'd like to relax and have fun. That doesn't mean completely throwing in the towel and saying "adios!" to homework and studying (even though deep down it really would be nice). It just means not completely focusing on school all the time and allowing yourself to let your hair down a bit.
I've done alot of things and had many opportunities in life that most kids can't speak for. However, deep down I feel a little bit of jealousy. I hear about or see pictures of simple things, like sitting in the basement and just talking or taking a random trip to 7-11. I have had experiences like that, but not so much in high school. And I believe that the simplest things often times turn into the best memories.
So that's why I'm making a list, a bucket list if you will. Whether or not I do it all before I graduate or before I go to college will vary. But I'm not worried about when I'll make those accomplishments, but who I'll be with when I do it. As the saying goes, "It's not what you do, but who you're with that matters."
I won't deny that I'm dealing with a bout of senioritis; I'm sick of being in classes that I don't get very much out of and that I don't even have to neccessarily be in (I only signed up for them because they were prerequisites for the schools I wanted to get into). I'm sick of wearing a uniform that I usually either freeze in or a sweat like a pig in, and not to mention that it's made of almost pure plastic. I'm sick of waking up before sunrise every morning, running around for seven hours, and then barely having any energy to do anything when I get home.
Frankly, I'm just bored.
On the other side of things, I'm not in that much of a rush to graduate. I constantly hear "oh I'm so ready to be done!" and in a way I agree with them. But yet I personally feel like there are so many more things I want to do and alot of memories that I want to make. I don't wanna be going through the motions by just going to school, coming home, doing my homework and then doing it all over again for the next four and a half months or so.
Right now I'm not particularly scared of anything related to graduating or college; those fears will most likely set it around sometime in July and August. What I'm scared of most is letting the next semester go by while I'm just sitting around thinking about stuff and not actually pursuing it. Thats what I tend to annoy myself the most with; making plans but not having those plans come to fruition.
And I think I speak for most if not all seniors when I say that I've worked my butt off up to this point, and I'd like to relax and have fun. That doesn't mean completely throwing in the towel and saying "adios!" to homework and studying (even though deep down it really would be nice). It just means not completely focusing on school all the time and allowing yourself to let your hair down a bit.
I've done alot of things and had many opportunities in life that most kids can't speak for. However, deep down I feel a little bit of jealousy. I hear about or see pictures of simple things, like sitting in the basement and just talking or taking a random trip to 7-11. I have had experiences like that, but not so much in high school. And I believe that the simplest things often times turn into the best memories.
So that's why I'm making a list, a bucket list if you will. Whether or not I do it all before I graduate or before I go to college will vary. But I'm not worried about when I'll make those accomplishments, but who I'll be with when I do it. As the saying goes, "It's not what you do, but who you're with that matters."
December 18, 2009
Now we're getting somewhere
I've been subscribing to blogs, reading blogs, but haven't really taken the time to personally blog myself. Don't get me wrong, I've had the time and ability to form about a million topics in my head, but my brain has been going about a million miles an hour for the last month or so, and I haven't really been able to actually slow down up until this point.
Perhaps the most relieving event that has taken place is that I'm officially going to college. After five weeks of agonizing and wondering what exactly was going on, I finally recieved a letter in the mail congratulating me on my acceptence. Well no, it didn't quite go like that. Both my mom and I had been making frequent trips to the mailbox and coming back empty-handed. By that point I felt as if I were grasping at straws; alot of my friends were getting accepted to that particular school or just getting accepted to their first choices in general. After not recieving anything yet again, I went online to my admissions profile to see the word admitted sitting next to my application status.
To say the least, I was overjoyed; I screamed, yelled, shed a few tears that all kept me awake until three o'clock the next morning. I did shortly afterward sit down and talk with my parents about it. I had been accepted to two other schools and was bit torn between going down to Florida and sticking with the midwest. Despite the lure of the warm weather and attraction of being able to go to the beach, I ultimately stuck with my first choice. There was no sense in trying to debate between the two.
And it's true, I have been wanting to go there for as long as I can remember. No, I won't say what school exactly, (given that this is the internet) but it is a Big-Ten University with a fabulous creative writing program. One of my friends suggested it to me during my sophmore year of high school, just as I was beginning the initial dig of looking into colleges. Fast forward almost two years, I can still recall when I felt like I knew. My mom and I had just finished the group tour and were doing a bit of independent exploration; we went into drinking coffee at one of the local coffee houses when I told that this place was it. She told me, "I know, because you're feeling the same way I felt back when I stepped on this campus for the first time almost thirty years ago."
And despite having to wait and constantly ponder the "what-if's" of the whole thing, I just had a feeling in my gut that that's where I was going to go.
Yet make no mistake, the hard work doesn't stop at an acceptance letter; in fact, it's still on very much of a hinge since this is only the end of the first semester. But at least I have a motivation, an initiative.
To add to that, there is alot of skepticism regarding my ability to survive both physically and emotionally on that big of a campus. I cannot give any answers at this moment, only to say that I've accomplished so much in my life and beaten the odds so many times. So why stop now?
I still have a long way to go, about seven months to be exact. For now, I'm going to enjoy what I have and be grateful to God for this opportunity. It's definately a blessing, and one that I won't just sweep under the rug.
Perhaps the most relieving event that has taken place is that I'm officially going to college. After five weeks of agonizing and wondering what exactly was going on, I finally recieved a letter in the mail congratulating me on my acceptence. Well no, it didn't quite go like that. Both my mom and I had been making frequent trips to the mailbox and coming back empty-handed. By that point I felt as if I were grasping at straws; alot of my friends were getting accepted to that particular school or just getting accepted to their first choices in general. After not recieving anything yet again, I went online to my admissions profile to see the word admitted sitting next to my application status.
To say the least, I was overjoyed; I screamed, yelled, shed a few tears that all kept me awake until three o'clock the next morning. I did shortly afterward sit down and talk with my parents about it. I had been accepted to two other schools and was bit torn between going down to Florida and sticking with the midwest. Despite the lure of the warm weather and attraction of being able to go to the beach, I ultimately stuck with my first choice. There was no sense in trying to debate between the two.
And it's true, I have been wanting to go there for as long as I can remember. No, I won't say what school exactly, (given that this is the internet) but it is a Big-Ten University with a fabulous creative writing program. One of my friends suggested it to me during my sophmore year of high school, just as I was beginning the initial dig of looking into colleges. Fast forward almost two years, I can still recall when I felt like I knew. My mom and I had just finished the group tour and were doing a bit of independent exploration; we went into drinking coffee at one of the local coffee houses when I told that this place was it. She told me, "I know, because you're feeling the same way I felt back when I stepped on this campus for the first time almost thirty years ago."
And despite having to wait and constantly ponder the "what-if's" of the whole thing, I just had a feeling in my gut that that's where I was going to go.
Yet make no mistake, the hard work doesn't stop at an acceptance letter; in fact, it's still on very much of a hinge since this is only the end of the first semester. But at least I have a motivation, an initiative.
To add to that, there is alot of skepticism regarding my ability to survive both physically and emotionally on that big of a campus. I cannot give any answers at this moment, only to say that I've accomplished so much in my life and beaten the odds so many times. So why stop now?
I still have a long way to go, about seven months to be exact. For now, I'm going to enjoy what I have and be grateful to God for this opportunity. It's definately a blessing, and one that I won't just sweep under the rug.
November 20, 2009
Con-fi-dence
It's quarter to seven o'clock on a Monday morning, and I'm trying to find some type of necklace or pair of earrings that will add a little "oomph" to my drab and well-worn school uniform. I still have yet to do my hair, which is beginning to look like it's been zapped by lightning due to the lack of moisture in the air. On top of all that, I look in the mirror, only to wish that I had taken the time to apply make-up.
I've spent so much time mulling over this stuff that within what feels like a minute, my brother announces that it's time to leave for school. And with that, I walk out the door with one thought repeating itself in my mind:
I look like crap, which is making me feel like crap. Ugh, I don't think today is gonna be all that good of a day.
It seems like today people have become so used to a culture that depends on lovers, friends, possesions etc. to feel good about themselves. I've seen girls as young as eleven walk around with what literally looks like a pound (or more) of make-up on their faces. I once went to school with someone who throughout the day, would apply and reapply cover-up/foundation to hide her acne (in reality, it only make things worse because you could literally see how much of it she put on).
I myself have battled confidence and self-esteem issues since I was a toddler. On our way to a football game a couple of months back, I did actually ask my mom "Do you really think I'm pretty, or are you just saying that because I'm your daughter?" In my early teen years, I allowed what people said about me influence, and almost dictate what I could and couldn't do. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anything or anyone, almost to the point where I viewed myself as a worthless piece of existence.
The previous year was probably when I was at my lowest point; not because of gossip or anything of that nature, but because of what I would tell myself. Long story short, there was a guy that I had taken a keen interest in, and he was one of those that a vast number of girls gravitated to/were interested in as well. I was always comparing myself to them; how they acted, what they looked like, etc. I became so unsure of myself that I even compared myself to my closest friends! (Reason being not because of him, but because of their personality and attitude. They were almost what I wanted to be and I didn't know how to do that.) When it all came down to it, I lost myself for a little while.
I think I needed that sort of thing to get where I am currently. Over the summer I realized how tired I was of always feeling inferior, always allowing my fears and insecurities to hold me back. From that I coined the saying, "It's one thing to have insecurities, but it's another to let them get the best of you."
The guy and I didn't talk or text very much over the summer, and it made me examine certain aspects. My feelings for him were no longer bringing me joy, but flat-out just bringing me down. Over the course of the last couple of months, I felt the need to step away from the world of guys and relationships and just focus on myself and appreciate what I have. Also, I'm at a point where I want a guy to be the one to ask me out on a date, to be one one to pursue me.
And for me personally, I know that who I was at that time really isn't who I am at all. I want my friends and family to be able to see who I really am, to see more of my strengths then my weaknesses.
Ist it easy? HELL NO!! It's actually a day-by-day process. I didn't just wake up one morning and vow that I would always believe in myself, that I would always be happy. I have to work at it every single day. Alot if not most times, I have to pray and ask God to be with me because I simply can't do it on my own. When I'm doing certain things like driving or taking some type of test, I have to tell myself repeatedly that I'm able to do it; I have to envision myself accomplishing that task.
It doesn't always happen, and that goes for every human being on this earth. There are days where I feel down, where I'm more of a scaredy-cat then a go-getter. I think everyone is allowed to feel bad every once in awhile, you just can't wallow in it. When that happens, I remind myself that everyone deals with this stuff, and that I'm the only one stopping myself from being who I want to be and going after what I want.
Of course, there is being too confident; meaning you say it more than you actually live it out. And you're not humble. Have I been through that? Yes.
Everything I've been through to get from there to here has been painful and frustrating, but nevertheless eye-opening. My journey does not end here; I'm sure there will be plenty more times in the future where I will fall, but will eventually get back up and keep going.
There's an old saying about how confidence is key. Way back when, and even not too long ago, I didn't understand that. Now that I've begun to apply to to my life, I feel like I really do.
I've spent so much time mulling over this stuff that within what feels like a minute, my brother announces that it's time to leave for school. And with that, I walk out the door with one thought repeating itself in my mind:
I look like crap, which is making me feel like crap. Ugh, I don't think today is gonna be all that good of a day.
It seems like today people have become so used to a culture that depends on lovers, friends, possesions etc. to feel good about themselves. I've seen girls as young as eleven walk around with what literally looks like a pound (or more) of make-up on their faces. I once went to school with someone who throughout the day, would apply and reapply cover-up/foundation to hide her acne (in reality, it only make things worse because you could literally see how much of it she put on).
I myself have battled confidence and self-esteem issues since I was a toddler. On our way to a football game a couple of months back, I did actually ask my mom "Do you really think I'm pretty, or are you just saying that because I'm your daughter?" In my early teen years, I allowed what people said about me influence, and almost dictate what I could and couldn't do. I felt like I wasn't good enough for anything or anyone, almost to the point where I viewed myself as a worthless piece of existence.
The previous year was probably when I was at my lowest point; not because of gossip or anything of that nature, but because of what I would tell myself. Long story short, there was a guy that I had taken a keen interest in, and he was one of those that a vast number of girls gravitated to/were interested in as well. I was always comparing myself to them; how they acted, what they looked like, etc. I became so unsure of myself that I even compared myself to my closest friends! (Reason being not because of him, but because of their personality and attitude. They were almost what I wanted to be and I didn't know how to do that.) When it all came down to it, I lost myself for a little while.
I think I needed that sort of thing to get where I am currently. Over the summer I realized how tired I was of always feeling inferior, always allowing my fears and insecurities to hold me back. From that I coined the saying, "It's one thing to have insecurities, but it's another to let them get the best of you."
The guy and I didn't talk or text very much over the summer, and it made me examine certain aspects. My feelings for him were no longer bringing me joy, but flat-out just bringing me down. Over the course of the last couple of months, I felt the need to step away from the world of guys and relationships and just focus on myself and appreciate what I have. Also, I'm at a point where I want a guy to be the one to ask me out on a date, to be one one to pursue me.
And for me personally, I know that who I was at that time really isn't who I am at all. I want my friends and family to be able to see who I really am, to see more of my strengths then my weaknesses.
Ist it easy? HELL NO!! It's actually a day-by-day process. I didn't just wake up one morning and vow that I would always believe in myself, that I would always be happy. I have to work at it every single day. Alot if not most times, I have to pray and ask God to be with me because I simply can't do it on my own. When I'm doing certain things like driving or taking some type of test, I have to tell myself repeatedly that I'm able to do it; I have to envision myself accomplishing that task.
It doesn't always happen, and that goes for every human being on this earth. There are days where I feel down, where I'm more of a scaredy-cat then a go-getter. I think everyone is allowed to feel bad every once in awhile, you just can't wallow in it. When that happens, I remind myself that everyone deals with this stuff, and that I'm the only one stopping myself from being who I want to be and going after what I want.
Of course, there is being too confident; meaning you say it more than you actually live it out. And you're not humble. Have I been through that? Yes.
Everything I've been through to get from there to here has been painful and frustrating, but nevertheless eye-opening. My journey does not end here; I'm sure there will be plenty more times in the future where I will fall, but will eventually get back up and keep going.
There's an old saying about how confidence is key. Way back when, and even not too long ago, I didn't understand that. Now that I've begun to apply to to my life, I feel like I really do.
November 02, 2009
Just. Keep. Swimming.
These days, there've been many moments where I've felt like Marlin from the movie, Finding Nemo. He's trying desperately to get to his son but runs into a crapload of roadblocks in the process of doing so. With me, it's just trying to get where I want to go with my life. I'm done with my college applications, but all this waiting is making me incredibly anxious. In the midst of it all I'm trying to keep an open heart and mind, but it's frustrating because I feel like I already know. Yet, I don't want to set myself up for disappointment.
The hardest part about this year thus far is feeling like I have to carry this particular burden and much more on my own. Now, I do realize that in the grand scheme of things, I am not alone; but I feel as though I'm dealing with alot of things by myself. I'm afraid to talk about my struggles because 1. I don't want to come across as lil' miss negativity and 2. I don't want people to see me as the type of person that always needs help and needs to be taken care of.
I know that I cannot be dependent on anyone or anything for my emotional security; God ultimately is the one that'll take care of that. There are times like these where I wish I just had someone to wrap me in a gigantic hug.
I hate that I barely have time to go to youth group anymore. I hate that my senior year feels more like a chore that needs to be done week after week as opposed to a time I should be enjoying. Ultimately, I wish that these burdens would be lifted off of me, and even more so that I can feel them being lifted.
Pardon me for my complaints. I try to keep this blog as light as positive as possible, but like all human beings, I too have my moments of weakness. When all is said and done, this too shall pass and I'll look back knowing that I grew up and learned from it. But until than, I just have to take everything as at comes. And per Dori, JUST KEEP SWIMMING!!
The hardest part about this year thus far is feeling like I have to carry this particular burden and much more on my own. Now, I do realize that in the grand scheme of things, I am not alone; but I feel as though I'm dealing with alot of things by myself. I'm afraid to talk about my struggles because 1. I don't want to come across as lil' miss negativity and 2. I don't want people to see me as the type of person that always needs help and needs to be taken care of.
I know that I cannot be dependent on anyone or anything for my emotional security; God ultimately is the one that'll take care of that. There are times like these where I wish I just had someone to wrap me in a gigantic hug.
I hate that I barely have time to go to youth group anymore. I hate that my senior year feels more like a chore that needs to be done week after week as opposed to a time I should be enjoying. Ultimately, I wish that these burdens would be lifted off of me, and even more so that I can feel them being lifted.
Pardon me for my complaints. I try to keep this blog as light as positive as possible, but like all human beings, I too have my moments of weakness. When all is said and done, this too shall pass and I'll look back knowing that I grew up and learned from it. But until than, I just have to take everything as at comes. And per Dori, JUST KEEP SWIMMING!!
October 14, 2009
This feeling...
You know, I feel really good right now; probably the best I've felt in a long time. I think it's a combination of things: I have a good sense of what I want, both for myself personally and what I want to do with my life. I've stopped focusing on the usual high school BS and kind of seperated myself from that stuff, if that makes any sense.
The biggest factor that has made a difference is just having confidence in myself; being able to just wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and say I feel good today. This is who I am, and I'm happy with myself. Thank you, Lord. And I don't neccessarily feel that way because of the people that are in my life or what's been happening. I've repeatedly learned that you truly cannot depend on people to make you happy; you have to be able to find happiness in the little things, the things you enjoy doing each and every day.
The hardest part about all of it is not letting my imagination get the best of me, to not expect so much where I set myself up for disappointment. But I'm in a good place, and I want people around me to know that. Better yet, I want them to actually see it. I'm finally starting to realize that so very few of my friends have actually seen the real me; the happy, bubbly person that I am deep down inside. It's just a matter of having that kind of attitude.
I think the key thing, as I've reiterated many times before, is taking things as they come; focusing on today, here and now, and nothing else.
I'm confident. I'm determined. I'm me, myself, and no one else.
The biggest factor that has made a difference is just having confidence in myself; being able to just wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and say I feel good today. This is who I am, and I'm happy with myself. Thank you, Lord. And I don't neccessarily feel that way because of the people that are in my life or what's been happening. I've repeatedly learned that you truly cannot depend on people to make you happy; you have to be able to find happiness in the little things, the things you enjoy doing each and every day.
The hardest part about all of it is not letting my imagination get the best of me, to not expect so much where I set myself up for disappointment. But I'm in a good place, and I want people around me to know that. Better yet, I want them to actually see it. I'm finally starting to realize that so very few of my friends have actually seen the real me; the happy, bubbly person that I am deep down inside. It's just a matter of having that kind of attitude.
I think the key thing, as I've reiterated many times before, is taking things as they come; focusing on today, here and now, and nothing else.
I'm confident. I'm determined. I'm me, myself, and no one else.
September 15, 2009
Fast on the track
As I am now into the third full week of my senior year, my mind has begun to resemble that of a runaway train; going down the track and at a million miles per hour with little to no way of stopping. It's not because I'm stressed and tearing my hair out already (although I won't be surprised if that happens eventually) but rather because there is alot to do and sometimes I'm not sure where exactly to start.
the coursework can be both good and bad, depending on what we're doing and how much sleep I got the night before. There are moments where I asked myself why in the world I'm taking algebra II and chemistry when I don't even have to (my requirements for graduation have been completed, but these are prerequisites to get into certain schools). They say junior year is the hardest year on an academic level, but I've begun to question that; senior year you have academics as well as the future to think about.
I miss my college friends right now, those that graduated the previous year. There are three that I hold near and dear to my heart, and it's been somewhat tricky having to adjust without them. I'm just so used to being greeted with en enthusiastic "hey girl!" in the hallways every day, or being comforted by a wonderful hug when I haven't felt all too wonderful. On the flip side I did get the chance to get to know alot of people over the summer, and it's been great having them around. I only wish I didn't ache so much for what feels so incredibly familiar.
The hardest part is not in fact that schoolwork, the college applications, or everything else in between. I want so badly to be able to take a step back and enjoy the little things, to "stop and smell the roses" as the saying goes. It seems as though I haven't had much time or opportunity to do so and I hate it.
I want to be able to hang out with my loved ones, both friends and family, and just laugh. I wanna get in touch with alot of my old friends and spend time with them; no talking about college or the future the entire time, just have fun and goof off. I can't exactly pinpoint why, but that is the number one thing on my list. Alot of them still mean a great deal to me, and it would do wonders just to be able to catch up. To reminisce. To see how much we've grown and changed.
I miss having deep conversations with people; talking to where by the end you've connected or reconnected with that person (and vice versa). It seems like I never really get to do that with anyone these days, given how busy and fast-paced life has been over these few weeks. I'd like to ask someone how they're really doing or to be asked that question myself, and not have to reply with a standard "fine" or "good." I think it's one of those little things that I've come to love so much; taking a step back from the craziness and clutter of life and just talking.
I have so many plans, so many things that need to get done. But than again, sometimes its good not to have a plan, because you're able to take things one day at a time and find the hidden joy in it.
I know that eventually this will all be worth it in the end, and that I'll grow from these experiences. I just wish I could slow my mind down for a bit....
the coursework can be both good and bad, depending on what we're doing and how much sleep I got the night before. There are moments where I asked myself why in the world I'm taking algebra II and chemistry when I don't even have to (my requirements for graduation have been completed, but these are prerequisites to get into certain schools). They say junior year is the hardest year on an academic level, but I've begun to question that; senior year you have academics as well as the future to think about.
I miss my college friends right now, those that graduated the previous year. There are three that I hold near and dear to my heart, and it's been somewhat tricky having to adjust without them. I'm just so used to being greeted with en enthusiastic "hey girl!" in the hallways every day, or being comforted by a wonderful hug when I haven't felt all too wonderful. On the flip side I did get the chance to get to know alot of people over the summer, and it's been great having them around. I only wish I didn't ache so much for what feels so incredibly familiar.
The hardest part is not in fact that schoolwork, the college applications, or everything else in between. I want so badly to be able to take a step back and enjoy the little things, to "stop and smell the roses" as the saying goes. It seems as though I haven't had much time or opportunity to do so and I hate it.
I want to be able to hang out with my loved ones, both friends and family, and just laugh. I wanna get in touch with alot of my old friends and spend time with them; no talking about college or the future the entire time, just have fun and goof off. I can't exactly pinpoint why, but that is the number one thing on my list. Alot of them still mean a great deal to me, and it would do wonders just to be able to catch up. To reminisce. To see how much we've grown and changed.
I miss having deep conversations with people; talking to where by the end you've connected or reconnected with that person (and vice versa). It seems like I never really get to do that with anyone these days, given how busy and fast-paced life has been over these few weeks. I'd like to ask someone how they're really doing or to be asked that question myself, and not have to reply with a standard "fine" or "good." I think it's one of those little things that I've come to love so much; taking a step back from the craziness and clutter of life and just talking.
I have so many plans, so many things that need to get done. But than again, sometimes its good not to have a plan, because you're able to take things one day at a time and find the hidden joy in it.
I know that eventually this will all be worth it in the end, and that I'll grow from these experiences. I just wish I could slow my mind down for a bit....
August 26, 2009
Here we go....
As of tomorrow morning, I am officially a senior year in high school. It feels kind of weird to be at this point, although I'm not sure why exactly. Maybe it's because I expected to have be taller than I was freshman year? (Even though height has nothing to do with it) Or maybe it was just something that seemed like it wasn't going to get here for a very long time? Who knows...
I will say that I definately got alot out of this past summer. The one thing that stands out in my mind is how I've changed, and how I was able to focus on myself. That is, really sitting down and asking myself "what really makes me happy?" I questioned some other things too, such as my beliefs and why (or why not) I believe in those things. It may seem weird, but I found it rather liberating to be honest with myself.
I have alot to look forward to this coming school year: the new roles of leadership I'll be taking on, the people that I've been getting to know, preparing to go to college, and just appreciating this year for what it is. It's exciting, but also a little bit scary.
And in a way, I am scared. I had an amazing junior year, and I've found myself how in the heck I'll be able to top it; reason being that three of my closest friends have graduated and I won't get to see them every single day. I'm taking on a huge courseload and would like to get my GPA up before I apply to any more colleges. I've never really pushed myself that hard before, and I wonder if I'll be able to handle that much. Yet when it all comes down to it, I think my biggest fear is not accomplishing any of my goals that I've set because of not working hard.
The goals that I have are both long-term and short term: I'm hoping to eventually get some kind of scholarship or grant money for college, and choose the right school for me at that. I wanna do well in all my subjects and like I said, raise my GPA. I'm gonna try not to stress out as much as I have in the past and just take everything for what it is. I've often heard senior year goes so fast that you don't really have time to take certain things seriously.
I do have two long-term ones, and they're probably the most important to me. This year I want to take care of someone (or multiple people) the way so many people have taken care of me; I want to let someone cry on my shoulder when they're sad or just give them a hug if they need it. I want to carry someone else's books or help them with their homework. It may sound strange, but I want to be a blessing to someone in my school (and perhaps even outside my school). For some odd reason, I feel like I haven't done very much to be an impact on others.
The second one is to eventually grow into the woman I was meant to be. My mom often tells me that when I was younger, I used to walk around with this big smile on my face and I was always so bubbly and happy. I'll admit that teenage hormones, combined with my experiences five years ago took that bubbliness away. I'm not sure if I'll be able to completely go back to that, as per the fact that I'm no longer a little girl, and that I've functioned in a certain way for a long time. With both those things, you can't automatically go back to normal. You have to create a new normal for yourself. That normal for me is being able to have joy; not just because of the people that are in my life, but because of what I personally find joy in.
It's not something that can happen automatically, or every day. I just have to take things one day at a time, and be thankful for each day that I have.
I will say that I definately got alot out of this past summer. The one thing that stands out in my mind is how I've changed, and how I was able to focus on myself. That is, really sitting down and asking myself "what really makes me happy?" I questioned some other things too, such as my beliefs and why (or why not) I believe in those things. It may seem weird, but I found it rather liberating to be honest with myself.
I have alot to look forward to this coming school year: the new roles of leadership I'll be taking on, the people that I've been getting to know, preparing to go to college, and just appreciating this year for what it is. It's exciting, but also a little bit scary.
And in a way, I am scared. I had an amazing junior year, and I've found myself how in the heck I'll be able to top it; reason being that three of my closest friends have graduated and I won't get to see them every single day. I'm taking on a huge courseload and would like to get my GPA up before I apply to any more colleges. I've never really pushed myself that hard before, and I wonder if I'll be able to handle that much. Yet when it all comes down to it, I think my biggest fear is not accomplishing any of my goals that I've set because of not working hard.
The goals that I have are both long-term and short term: I'm hoping to eventually get some kind of scholarship or grant money for college, and choose the right school for me at that. I wanna do well in all my subjects and like I said, raise my GPA. I'm gonna try not to stress out as much as I have in the past and just take everything for what it is. I've often heard senior year goes so fast that you don't really have time to take certain things seriously.
I do have two long-term ones, and they're probably the most important to me. This year I want to take care of someone (or multiple people) the way so many people have taken care of me; I want to let someone cry on my shoulder when they're sad or just give them a hug if they need it. I want to carry someone else's books or help them with their homework. It may sound strange, but I want to be a blessing to someone in my school (and perhaps even outside my school). For some odd reason, I feel like I haven't done very much to be an impact on others.
The second one is to eventually grow into the woman I was meant to be. My mom often tells me that when I was younger, I used to walk around with this big smile on my face and I was always so bubbly and happy. I'll admit that teenage hormones, combined with my experiences five years ago took that bubbliness away. I'm not sure if I'll be able to completely go back to that, as per the fact that I'm no longer a little girl, and that I've functioned in a certain way for a long time. With both those things, you can't automatically go back to normal. You have to create a new normal for yourself. That normal for me is being able to have joy; not just because of the people that are in my life, but because of what I personally find joy in.
It's not something that can happen automatically, or every day. I just have to take things one day at a time, and be thankful for each day that I have.
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