Rise and Rejoice

This Sunday, my twenty-third birthday will be the beginning of a decade marker for some incredibly significant events that took place in my life: Ten years ago I chose to walk with God, though it would take me a long time to understand what that meant.Ten years of friendships that may not be present at this moment, but are still a very important part of my history. Ten years since I fell into a ravine of self-hatred and depression, a direct result of the lies I believed about myself. A ravine that I can now say I feel like I have completely crawled out of and therefore raise my hands in victory.

You would think that I'd be sad and depressed over all of it, and admittedly I was throughout high school and college. I never acknowledged or celebrated any of it because I still felt overpowered and defined by it. It was a gaping reminder of what I no longer had, what I still wanted, and what I feared would never be again. But as I was writing last night, I realized that I never truly lost it; I still had the memories, and it made me realize later on that I'm still capable of having those experiences. Though twenty-three isn't culturally considered a milestone, it personally is for me.

I don't celebrate such significance because of what once was, but rather what it taught me. I no longer need the promise of a happy ending to start living out the story that has been written for me. Yes, some things were painful and could have been avoided, but one can only have so much self-awareness, especially at a young age. We don't really learn anything worth holding onto until we've tasted salty tears and felt our hearts hurt, even to the point of breaking. So do I regret my choices that long ago? No. And I try not to regret the choices that I made thinking that I could protect myself afterward. The only thing I know for sure is that what I thought kept me safe ended up holding me hostage, instead of setting me free.

But where does that personal freedom come from? Not from self alone, I've realized. It comes from the One that knitted us together with both strengths and weaknesses so that we may experience wholeness. It's choosing to embrace what we were created to do and what for, even if doing so feels like us against the rest of the world. Not that it should be an "us versus them" mentality, but it does feel like it at times. There will always be those who try to put me (and others) in a box; when people can't understand or it makes them uncomfortable, they fight it by feigning ignorance. 

But I don't have the energy or the time to worry about that. Not anymore

This is not a time of 'starting over' as it tends to be emphasized. I look at it as a continuation of what I've already been doing, but without the self-denial. There's definitely changing and growing over time, but I truly believe that the core of who a person is always remains the same. I've always been a woman with a child-like heart and who finds joy in the every-day mundane aspects of life. I will always be an  old soul with a sense of romantic optimism who is fascinated by human connection, and tries to see the best in everyone. 

It's interesting in regards to what happens you get out of the bubble, and life is no longer about papers during the week and cheap drinks on weekends. I've discovered that I am so much stronger than I thought I was capable of being, and that with God's help, I will somehow get to the other side. What seems so complicated really isn't, and the only reason it seems that way is because I was afraid of making the wrong choice and then getting hurt. Overall, when I embrace who I am and love myself in the process, everything else tends to come together as it should. 

And so I will rise; rise and continue leaning into Hope that whatever lies ahead is going to be awesome. I'm not a fan of lowering expectations, but rather being open to the possibilities. I have a vision, but I'm willing to allow that vision to take different shapes over the course of time. I strive to take action and get involved, because that's what living is. 

Here's to rising, to going all in, and being grateful for every moment of it.

Be Not Afraid (Of Baggage)

There’s a lot of talk out there about what’s ruining relationships: some say its technology and not knowing how to genuinely communicate. Some argue that good people no longer exist, or at least people with grounded morals and values. And while they all play a role in the fact that we make dating more complicated than it needs to be, there’s an underlying issue that doesn’t seem to get discussed very much, especially online.

A word of warning that not everyone will agree on this; while I don’t believe that this is a gender-specific or orientation-related matter, I can only speak from personal experiences, and those experiences as a woman. I’m more than open to conversation regarding other perspectives, and I invite those perspectives to be shared at the end.

The real problem is that we as a people have become way too self-serving and self-involved: it seems as though we fall in love with ideas and fantasies rather than real human beings. There’s an incredible lack of grace, and I’m not just referring to forgiveness. It’s something that I’m still in the process of learning about, but at the bare bones of it all, grace is the understanding (and acknowledging) that the person standing right in front of you has limitations, and can only do or give so much. And after coming to that realization, you still make a conscious effort to get to know them and walk with them.

When I first started dating (generally speaking) there was a lot of talk involving baggage. The attitude was that the older you get the more baggage you have, and the more baggage you have, the less you’ll be able to give to another person. That kind of thinking is what breeds shallow articles involving checklists for who we should be and how we should act in order to have worth.

Everyone has past mistakes or a history that they have to live with. It’s not a question of what or how bad, but how it’s dealt with and put into perspective. There are those that constantly blame or hold grudges for what has happened to them, never fully realizing that after a certain point it comes down to their own choices. In some situations, they depend on friends or significant others to take away their pain or replace what they’ve lost. And then there are those who live out a different story: they acknowledge what they’ve been through, perhaps by their own decision or at the hands of others. But they also make a point to forgive, if only for the sake of moving forward. They view their pain as something that can be used for good, a repurpose, as I call it. There are moments or happenings that will always stay with them in some way, but it doesn’t determine their dreams or their future. They’re not victims, nor do they just survive; they rise and they go on stronger and wiser.

Having reasonable standards and deal-breakers is healthy because it shows how we all have individual needs, and that no relationship is one in the same. Being with a man of faith, compassion, and willingness to be a helper is non-negotiable for me. But there is a fine line between needs and insecurities, which seem to orbit around conversations and articles that talk about sex. This warrants a separate post in itself because it has a lot to do with Purity Culture, control, and other harmful ideals that do a lot of damage. But I will say this: I’m beginning to think it has less to do with someone else’s past and more to do with a mindset, a matter of the heart even. Do we want somebody to love, or do we want somebody to show off?

Baggage does not necessarily have to be sexual or even romantic. I have battled with the notion that having Cerebral Palsy, a difficult upbringing, and other aspects would be considered as such, though over time I’ve learned look at it otherwise. I still struggle with knowing when and how to talk about these things, though it has gotten easier. I dreaded the idea of being “too much” of anything and therefore unwanted. So much that I barely spoke of therapy or anything deep until I was certain the other person could handle it. Little did I realize that one of them would end up offering to go with me to a session in order for me to see that I had nothing to be ashamed of.

And while I know now that sharing doesn’t have to be that calculated or scary, the anticipation is still there. I don’t have to tell my story, but I want to; it starts to feel weird if I’ve been connecting with someone for over a year and we haven’t touched on the Tough Stuff. It’s like there’s a barrier, and one that doesn’t need to exist.

Today, in my dark moments, I experience thoughts of wanting to take off and go somewhere where nobody knows my name or what I’ve been through. I cringe at being compared to the girl I was ten years ago to the woman I am now, only to be told that I’m still the same person; that I haven’t grown, that I’m still difficult, and therefore unable to be loved. It was only recently that I stopped worrying about having a situation all figured out before saying anything. When certain friends and I aren’t able to catch up for long stretches of time, I send them raw and unedited writings in order to convey the nitty-gritty. As I said once before, I can now appreciate the messy; it’s not always pretty, but it takes a lot less energy than trying to be neat.

I’m not one to outright depend on anybody to solve my problems; I used to believe that loving someone meant having it all together, thinking that I was the reason certain people walked away. Yet in the last four years I’ve seen how amazing it is to watch someone grow and evolve, and I pray that I’ve been able to bless others as they’ve grown with me. Note that walking together in life is not the same as trying to “save” another, or even each other.  Saving involves codependency and the desire to be needed, and it tends to lead to exhaustion. Walking is letting each other know that you’re there, you will support them, and you’re rooting for them.

There’s a saying that only God can truly heal; not counselors, significant others, families, or even friends. On the other side, God places them in our lives for a reason and uses them to speak to us. I learned how to love myself thanks to the wisdom of some special people, and I wouldn’t be the person that I am had I not known them.

This is not about changing anybody’s minds, but rather about deepening a very loud conversation. Maybe it’s time to re-think what real baggage is, or what being relationship or spousal material genuinely means. But while we’re pondering that, let’s learn to stop being afraid, please? There’s getting hurt, and then there’s getting hurt knowing that you embarked on something amazing.

Just as well, know that perception does not equal reality; you should not have to make decisions entirely based on what somebody else might think. It's not easy to own your truth, your history, things that if you had the chance to re-do them, you probably would. You don't need to depend on arbitrary lists to tell you if you measure up; you're a child of God and a human being, and that's all there is to it. 

Be not afraid.

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Life Lately: Things Are Happening

Happy 2015, Dear Readers!! After dancing my boots off in the heart of downtown Chicago, I'm glad to be getting back into a solid routine again. I feel incredibly motivated, which is a surprise considering I normally feel drained during the month of January; not only have the holidays passed (and the blues have set in), but in my neck of the woods it tends to get insanely cold to the point where it's dangerous to go outside. Typically this makes me want to hunker down and hibernate, but to my surprise that's not the case this year. This week in particular has been fabulous because I got a lot accomplished, and I credit that to the goal of doing something right when I think of it, rather than putting it off. 

Good things come to those who wait, but good things also come to those who don't procrastinate. 

It's true that I've developed a habit of pushing tasks to the side, more so if they involve important conversations, emails, and the like. I would tell myself that I needed more time to emotionally prepare, or at least wait until nightfall so that if I read or talked about a subject that would naturally upset me, I could let it out when no one else was around. And I would be done for the day so I wouldn't be wasting time crying when I could be getting stuff done. 

These days, it's less about fear and more about weirdness or discomfort. I recently described it to a friend as that sensation I experience when on a roller-coaster; the kind of weightlessness that causes my entire body to clench up, and from a scientific perspective I believe it's called G-Force or something like that. It's not necessarily a bad feeling, but it's not one that I'm fond of either. 

That's what I experience when thinking about the future, about meeting new people and/or joining groups and getting involved with life. It's not scary, but it can be hard to envision myself in that position for whatever reason. 

Yet, often times the only answer is to do it. And the more I do it, the more comfortable I will become. 

The job search is still on in full force, but I'm trying to take a different approach, rather than just applying on websites and doing dozens of interviews at one time. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with that, but it personally became draining by the time December rolled around. I'm learning that there is absolutely no shame in asking for help and/or being mentored by someone that knows what they're doing. As much as our culture emphasizes this whole lone wolf mentality, the idea that true success can only happen by your own strength, I'm finding it all to be completely false. Whatever you accomplish and however you go about doing it, at the end of the day there's always someone to thank, even if you're too stubborn or prideful to admit it. 

Nobody does anything worthwhile without the guidance and influence of someone else. 

It's not easy, especially when you spend a lot of time with people who seem to have their lives together (i.e. jobs, relationships, confidence, and overall experience). I have moments where I wonder when on earth I'm going to catch a break, whether it be getting hired, getting published, and/or connecting/reconnecting with certain people. Life as a post-graduate is unpredictable, and that gets frustrating after a while. 

But I things are happening, even if for the moment they're not monumental or worth shouting on the rooftops about. I will continue to do what I do and celebrate the small victories, along with not beating myself up when I mess up or fall short in the process. 

Yes, this train is moving, even when I don't feel it. And for that I'm grateful.

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An Inward Love Letter

Write a letter to yourself as an offer of love and kindness. In other words, give yourself a great big hug. Afterward, make a point to discuss how you will do that in the upcoming year.

Dear Al, 

2014 has been an incredible year filled with small moments and huge accomplishments. But let's be honest, you're sitting here right now kind of exhausted, aren't you? You turned twenty-two, graduated from college, closed a chapter in life that you absolutely loved, and are now slowly but surely acclimating to being an adult. It's been a crazy journey and when you look back, you find yourself wishing that you had done more, said more, and ultimately been more of this or that. This is not the first nor the last time you'll hear it, but forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for what you didn't know. You did the best you could with what you had, and though it probably ruffled a few feathers and ended up on one or two ish-lists, you did good! If that wasn't true, you wouldn't be as self-aware or as wise as you are in this moment. 

This was the year that you finally began taking down the walls you built up as a young girl. It was brick by brick, piece by piece, and it was enough to allow the person on the other end to look into your eyes, but more importantly, they were able to look into your heart. Don't worry about projecting yourself in a certain way or what that person's reaction will be. And I get that you have a hard time letting people walk with you in the dark; you want them to remember the happy things about you, the fun memories, rather than the times you bared your soul or cried because you couldn't hold it in anymore. But honey, it's not your place to decide what anyone should think, because you can't control it. And chances are, they probably see in you what you haven't been able to see in yourself. You're kind. You're strong. You're loving. You have a sense of humor (albeit an offbeat one). More than anything, you have a heart. 

And a big heart at that, one with a lot to offer and a lot to give. Don't let personal and/or professional rejections make you believe that you're worthless, because that's far from the truth. Your career does not define you, nor do your relationships. You are a human being and a child of God, and that is what matters. You don't need a whole list of reasons to justify being enough. You'll probably make mistakes and you won't always do the right thing, but in no way does that mean you're less deserving of love and grace. 

Yes, sweetheart, make the upcoming year a year of grace. As you write your book and have hard and deep conversations, do not shy away from telling your story because it is messy. Embrace messy. Celebrate messy. Despite that it doesn't always make sense and it's tough to swallow, your story is one that needs to be told. Not just for the sake of moving someone else, but so that you can continue to set yourself free. Have the kindness of a lamb but the voice of a lion. 

This seems like a time of uncertainty, but realize that God is molding you and working in ways that you have yet to see. Take this time to continue learning how to love yourself and how to best love others, both as individuals and as those in the same tribe. Express happiness and joy in the best way that you know how, even if it means looking like a little kid or a goofball in the process. 

Remember that the only barriers are those that exist in your head. Seek to understand rather than seek out people to constantly understand you. You think that people are waiting for you to screw up, that they want to make you feel small and insecure on purpose. The fact of the matter is that in most situations, you are your own worst enemy. Those things come from THE enemy, and whatever comes from that is a boldfaced lie. 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Stop worrying about every little detail and hand over the paint brush every once in a while. You can paint a beautiful, breathtaking picture, but it's never a bad thing to ask for help. You are meant to have a helper, and you always do (though you don't always recognize it).

You are who you are for a reason. You will never have it completely figured out and that's OK. You have been through so much and have grown because of it. You have come a long way and that is a reason to give thanks. 

And that is how you love yourself. 

Keep shining Darling.

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Cherish This (An Update)

It is amazing how time has gone by; almost a month into the semester and so much has happened. There has been joy and there has also been pain. I've had to confront truths about myself, about certain relationships, and even the kind of people that I allow into my life. But despite the difficult moments and the fears, I feel like I've grown and matured a lot in just a few short weeks.

Throughout each day, I keep hearing the words "cherish this" over and over again. Not because this chapter in my life will come into an end in a few months, but because of how important it is to just be in the present moment and focus on what's happening right now.

Cherish the times when you get to be vulnerable and honest, even when it means admitting things about yourself and your life that you've been trying to ignore. I feel so much closer to my friends (especially the girls) than I have in a long time because I stopped trying to hide. I'm probably not the first person to say this, but keeping stuff to yourself does not ultimately make it easier to deal with. I may not have lied outright, but I kept a lot of details from my friends in hopes that the situation would solve itself. And while I know I don't have to share everything, I also believe that love involves telling the truth and making an effort to connect with others.

I've realized just how important it is to be surrounded by people who add substance to my life. Upon going back to school, I took some time to think about who I genuinely want to have quality time with in these next three and a half months. Don't get me wrong, I'm naturally a people person and love getting to know them. But realistically, I can't be close with everyone. There just isn't enough time in each day to have that kind of connection.

Cherish them. 

Despite the emotional bumps, I've been keeping busy in other aspects. In April I'll be running my first 5K race (and crossing another item off the college bucket list). That's requiring quite a bit of training, so I've been working out in some way almost every day, whether it be going to the gym or doing a home routine. My eating habits have slightly evolved as well, although I won't deprive myself of pasta, pizza, or the occasional burger. It has been a lot of work, but I also feel better (physically) than I have in a very long time! And it liking what I see in the mirror is a definite perk as well. 

The only thing that has me going is that there is so much to do, and it's like I'm being pulled in a million different directions. This is partially why I haven't been blogging very often. I do have a lot to say and I want to say it, but I also want to make sure that it's thought through and well written. More specifically, I don't want to write something purely for the sake of bringing in traffic if it's just going to look like crap. Blogging has a lot to do with the direction that I want to take my career in (or for right now, lets just say in the direction of technology and social media) so I want to be invested in this properly and for the right reasons. Given my schedule can get a little hectic, there's a chance that my posting might be somewhat irregular for a while. If nothing else, I'll do one thought-provoking post per week and two light ones the next. I don't know how that will go, but it seems to work for now. 

I never thought I would want this blog to become some sort of brand, if you will. I never thought I would want to write about heavier aspects of relationships, living with Cerebral Palsy, and issues within Christianity and The Church. I've been scared to, and in a way I still am. But when it comes to making a difference (especially with writing), you have to have the ability to be vulnerable, and be able to take heat for that vulnerability. With that being said, I'm looking to give my blog and make it look more professional. If anyone has any ideas or knows of anyone who could help me with that, it would be much appreciated!

Thank you to all those who've stuck with and continue to stick with me, and welcome to those who are new. If you haven't done so already, feel free to keep up with me on Faceboook and Twitter!

Again, thank you for the support! I can only continue to write and pray that it grows as time goes on. 

Breathe. And cherish this.

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Reverb: A Final Reflection

We're a couple of days into a brand new year, and I can't say that I'm sorry to see the previous one go. Reverb13 has come to an end, and within this next week I hope to be back to my regular blogging routine. That being said, I have a few final thoughts that I'd like to share. 

This go-around was very interesting; instead of following one particular website or blog that was hosting, I would pick prompts from different blogs, sometimes finding ways to make them my own. I didn't write every single day (which usually is the case each year) but I frequently found myself going days or even a full week without posting something. At first I thought it was because I was stuck in some kind of rut or experiencing writers block; but the truth is, this year has been filled with so much emotion and major ups and downs that the thought of blogging about it was almost too overwhelming. I definitely wrote about it, but did so within the private pages of my journal or in essay form that I only allowed certain people to read. With so many unknowns and what-if's, I simply thought it best not to share at this time, and that's OK. 

Looking back on both my public and private writings, I can only sum up the past year as the year of coming undone. The year that what I thought I knew about myself, my family, and my life began to unravel; not necessarily in a way that was bad, it just gave me the opportunity to look at those aspects with a more mature attitude. It forced me to confront how often I tend to idolize or romanticize things, rather than view them for what they ultimately and truly are: imperfect. Imperfect, but still beautiful and worth appreciating. 

As I ponder and pray about my own resolution for 2014, I can't come up with one singular word that encompasses what I envision. Instead, I'd like to think of it as a cluster: multiple words that point to the same thing. 

Hope

Surrender

New Beginnings

These are the three words, the cluster that comes to mind as I look ahead. 

Hope in what I cannot see. Putting my hope and faith in God alone. Building a firm foundation as I transition from one chapter to the next, so even in the times of instability and not knowing, I can rest in the fact that I have my faith. 

Surrender what I can't control. I'm not going to sit back and let everything just happen; with that mindset, I wouldn't get anywhere in life. There has to be an effort on my part. That being said, I've realized just how important it is to understand that getting there will not be easy. I may reach my end-goal and/or get what I want, but it will most likely be full of unexpected setbacks, detours, and changes. And it's easier to deal with all of that when I stop trying to control what isn't mine to control in the first place. It's trusting in the One that is greater than myself to put all the little pieces together as opposed to trying to force it all to come together on my own. 

New Beginnings are what I have to create for myself, and I'm even more aware of that now than I was in high school or middle school. I don't have to carry my past with me and I can break this dysfunctional cycle that I've been trapped in for years. I feel like a lion that's been in hibernation and will probably come out roaring. But what I'm trying to get at here is that we all have a chance to do things differently and perhaps do something great: you just have to be willing to start walking, and keep going regardless of how hard or scary it gets. 

Despite the setbacks and roadblocks, 2013 was a great year for writing, growth, and connection. I have a feeling that it will only get better from here on out!

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Stepping in Different Directions

Decisions

What was the biggest decision that you made this year? How has it affected you?


On the outside, it didn't look like that big of a deal because it was informal and we rarely ever talked at that point. But in my heart, cutting my first love completely out of my life was by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do; perhaps not as a whole, but definitely this year. I didn't want to, but there wasn't much of a choice because everything involving him was starting to become unhealthy. Adding to that, it wasn't fair to put my fears and insecurities onto others; if I was going to get past all of those, he needed to be out of the picture for good. There were no words exchanged, just deleting his number and making sure he could no longer see my Facebook profile. It was a relief, but also just flat-out-weird; I had no idea what to do afterward, and ended up going on a bit of an adventure for the next six months in trying to figure it out. I prayed, wrote, kissed, dated, drank, talked, and cried. Not only was I letting go of a special person, but the person whom I believed I would marry one day. 

Looking back on it almost a year later, I fully understand that it was for the best. It's a pain in the heart when you've invested in somebody for almost eight years, but our relationship had become one-sided. I didn't really know him anymore and I'm willing to admit that I might not have known him at all. But I wouldn't trade any of the time we spent together for the world. 

Not many people are aware of this, but the whole reason we got so close in the first place was because I was going through a very rough time. My self-esteem was a roller-coaster in the midst of changing friends and distant family members, especially my parents. I should have gone to a pastor or another adult at my church that I was attending, but I didn't trust adults back then. He supported me without judgment and ultimately helped me survive. He was the first person who ever told me that God loved me, and convinced me that cutting my wrists and popping pills wasn't the answer, among other issues. I know there were those that looked at us with raised eyebrows, but the idea of having to explain that stuff to anyone else was unbearable. 

That's why I choose not to be angry or hold a grudge; he took care of me in ways that I needed to be, but I had no idea how to articulate. I am not ashamed to say that it's nice to be taken care of, regardless of all the crap out there involving self-reliance or what the true nature of a relationship is. While God should always be one's true foundation, we weren't put on this earth with others to walk through life alone. It took me a long time to get that, and I'm still learning. 

I did go through and grow from a season of dating, but also made the decision to take a step back from that for the time being. Most of the dates were fine and I appreciated the experience, but a lot of the guys weren't the type that I genuinely want to be with. I totally support giving chances when appropriate, but when your instincts are telling you that it's not going to work, it's best to listen to them. I often had a "down the road" mentality, where I thought I would find a reason to like a guy once I got to know him better. And while I believe that can and does happen, the chances are slim when hardly any of your values line up. But the subject of dating in itself is for another post. 

I'm not going to say that I don't miss him at times, but more so I miss the affection and the sense of intimacy that we had. However, not having him around has been like a breath of fresh air: I have standards for a relationship that go beyond just being nice and the willingness to accept me as I am. And it's not just about deserving better, but actually needing better. By looking at the bigger picture, I understand that I need so much more than what I thought I did at thirteen or fourteen. 

Knowing what I know now, I wish I hadn't taken him for granted. But despite all that has happened, I think it all turned out the way it was supposed to. Just because something or someone isn't forever doesn't mean it wasn't worth it. He does and will probably always have a place in my heart: not in hope or wishful thinking, but in gratitude. And that's why I'm writing this; I choose not to be cynical, but instead thank God for that particular blessing and that special time. It doesn't always make moving forward easy, but it makes it doable.

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The Edge of Hurt and Grief

Grief

What did you grieve for this year? What did you lose? (Prompt credit: Kat Mcnally)

I've written so much about specific losses and pain this year that I almost can't bear to do a summary of it again. But that doesn't mean I don't have anything left to say on the subject, at least from a general standpoint.

We all know what it's like to experience pain and suffering, as well as the fear of allowing someone in during that tough time. A lot of us also know what it's like to be on the outside, to watch another person cry out to God or anybody for that matter, begging to close the wound. Though I've experienced most of the former this year, I've actually gained a lot of insight about holding others up when they've practically doubled over. I thought I would share some of it in the form of a letter. And for the sake of clarification, I say "outsider" because he or she may not have been in that hurting person's shoes before.

Dear Outsider, 

A friend of yours has basically told you that their heart is broken: a loved one might have passed away unexpectedly. Their parents or parent-figures might be choosing to separate or divorce. A significant other ended that relationship. It could be a number of circumstances, but one thing is for sure; he or she is devastated and going through a period of mourning. They might not outright say that they need you, but it's apparent in their voice, their eyes, or the way they go from full of life to utterly lifeless. 

Now here you might be feeling like you can't do or say much, especially if you haven't been in their shoes. But trust me when I tell you that that line of thinking is probably the worst way to go about it. No one in this world is ever without something to offer, regardless of what roads they've walked or what they've been taught. Let me repeat that again: there is always something to give, whether it be big or small. The key is the will to step out of what makes you feel comfortable and step into the role of a supporter, confidant, and friend. Keep in mind that this is not about you, this is about the person who is looking at you with pain written across their face, and is trying to tell you that they're going through some level of hell. 

It's natural to approach any situation as a problem that needs to be solved; we live in a society that's constantly busy, going from one thing to the next. At best, we rattle off a list of do's and don'ts and how-to's. At worst, we serve a course of "suck it up and move on" or "stop crying and be an adult." We rely on gender norms in order to cope. The reality is that this may not be a problem to solve or even a pain that you can take away. This may be something that they have to deal with for the rest of their life. 

One way to go about it is to ask the question, "what do you need?" You're not making assumptions and you're not acting like you have the answers (in which it's OK if you don't). Your friend's response could vary, but many people simply want someone they can pour their heart out to without fear of being condemned or criticized. Another way of putting it would be that they just want you to listen; I've found that in order to become a good listener, you must learn how to be silent and give them their space until they're finished. Or at least do so until he/she invites you into the conversation, either by asking what your opinion is on the situation, or how they should go about moving forward (which I'll get to momentarily). If you don't understand something or need clarification, ask questions to keep the conversation going. The best response might be "I may not have been in your shoes, but I respect where you're coming from." 

Another important aspect is acknowledgment that you're there; making eye contact and keeping it affirms that you're giving them full attention and that their words aren't just going in one ear and out the other. I can't speak for everyone, but physical touch has always been a way for me to connect with others. Sometimes it's just touching their shoulder or taking their hand at some point. Other times it's putting my arm around them or giving a hug/holding them afterward. This can be tricky because there are those who are not touch-oriented; be aware of those boundaries and respect them if they've been set. Yet, I can say from personal experience that a hug is the best way to reassure someone that they're not alone, especially if you don't know what to say. There are circumstances where actions speak louder than words, because words are not always needed. 

Out of everything, what you want to communicate the most is this: I hear you, I see you, and I respect that's how you feel. 

That being said, there will be times when something is beyond what you know or are able to do. Your friend might need a therapist or counselor who can give more feedback and insight than you alone. However, communicating this is not the easiest thing to do; choose your words carefully because it can come off in a way that you didn't intend. Affirm that you care about the person and that you will be with them through this tough time, but along with that, it's a good idea for them to seek professional help. You're not walking away, but you're not taking on something heavier than what you can handle. 

It doesn't necessarily have to end after one conversation: call them, text them, encourage them. The best messages are often the ones that simply let somebody know that you're thinking about them; this is especially true if you know that something is going on but the other person hasn't or may not want to bring it up. 

I'm not writing this to give you crap, and I understand that a lot of this is easier said than done. What's the point of trying to take on the weight of somebody's world if you can't carry it? Here's the thing though: despite what you're told, you don't have to go big or go home in order to make a difference in the life of another person. That's what love in action is all about; being able to do the small things with a big heart. 

Instead of being one who complains about the lack of good in the world or how unfair life is, be one who makes a point of putting good back in it. 

With Sincerity and Compassion,

The other side

I have learned and come to understand a lot about grief and loss in this last year alone. As stated in the letter, it doesn't just have to only involve the passing of a loved one. It could be a broken relationship that's beyond repair. A separation or change in family dynamic. Realizing that one chapter is closing and that a particular stage of life is over. Yes, this is all encompassed in grief; and I know this because I've been through it or am currently experiencing it right now. 

I cannot describe how alone I've felt during these times, and how that isolation still fills me every so often. June is, and probably always will be a very difficult month. A couple of weeks from now will mark an anniversary of a loss that I still feel to this day. I never said goodbye, nor did I mourn with a community. I'm not sure if I'll ever fully get over that. 

And for that reason, I became resentful of the people I felt like should have been there more than anybody. I felt emotionally distant from my family. I explained to friends who were on the outside that I had very simple yet specific needs, and yet they still felt like they couldn't help. Damn it that hurt...a lot. 

Grief isn't measurable; everyone is hurting, regardless of how close they were to the person. So for people to tell me that I needed to be strong and stop dwelling on it is complete bullshit. I still think about it. I still cry when certain songs come on the radio. There's no expectation for anyone to wake up one day and suddenly not feel the sadness ever again. It's always there, if only a dull ache that beats against your chest when something triggers a memory. 

I'm in a place right now where I need to do what feels healthy for me. It may look selfish and/or stupid, but quite frankly I'm tired of hiding. I don't expect everybody to understand or agree with it, and that's OK. What's important is that I do what is best to ultimately be a better daughter, sister, and friend. It's not about making people understand, but learning how to live whole-heartedly despite the fact that some don't. 

That's all right with me.

photo credit: seyed mostafa zamani via photopin cc

Adulthood On a Slide

When the Miley Cyrus Video Music Awards spectacle happened, everybody was all up arms about how she was "too sexy" and basically flipped the bird to her younger fans. I'm not disagreeing with that, but I saw something that may have gone over everyone else's heads: she was trying to announce to the world that she is no longer a child,  when realistically she's just shy of being a  year younger than I am.  While watching her performance I thought, there is a difference between being an adult and being an idiot; she was obviously going for the latter.

A week or so later, a distant/extended relative of my maternal grandmother made a point to compare college to a country club, and then made an even bigger point of informing me that the real world absolutely sucks. That Sunday in church, the closing prayer was "help us grow up before we grow old" while friends are starting to panic  when we're not even halfway through first semester yet.

It all kind of makes me sigh and wonder what adulthood even means these days.

There's no arguing that it's different for everyone, but part of why so many may struggle with it is because people from the age of twelve and onward are given mixed messages, and they end up burning the candle at both ends. On one hand, young kids (particularly girls) are told that in order to gain approval by their peers or be popular, they have to dress a certain way. But then morality cries that girls are completely dismissing their youth by wearing revealing clothing or piling on the make-up.

Then come the teenage years, seven years which can be emotionally taxing and confusing. There are those that have to "grow up" early; they take on a parent-like role for their younger siblings, they have to help contribute to finances or give up a paycheck entirely. Some move out on their own or go to college. Add in curiosity about alcohol, sex, perhaps drugs, and things can get complicated. The icing on the cake is when teens get put into a glass box for the sake of "protection" instead of learning how to actually cope and properly handle it.

Once you're in your twenties, it can go two ways: you're either an upstanding role model with a good head on your shoulders, or a selfish, lazy party animal. You're considered stupid and irresponsible for making choices that your parents probably made twenty-five or thirty-something years ago. Showing emotion and being vulnerable is taboo because few know how or even want to deal with that. You're not allowed to voice your doubts or ask questions; rather, you get your college degree and a warning that it's all downhill from that point on.

While it's true that a lot of those things are stereotypes, it all points to the same pattern: one extreme or the other. And it could just be me, but I'm beginning to think that it doesn't really have to be like that at all. You can still have fun and be responsible, and you don't have to exist on a teeter-totter.

I'm still in the threshold of all of it, but I've come to understand enough that "adulthood" doesn't have to be as daunting as most assume that it is.


You'll never have it "together"

The phrase "I have to get my shit together" is slowly becoming one of those that are like fingernails on a chalkboard. A friend once said it  mid-rant and I had to hold my tongue while trying not to cringe. Let's face it: no matter how hard you try and no matter what you may think, you will never completely have it all figured out. You can plan and prepare all you want, but most likely it won't happen exactly as you envision it to.  It's like trying to carry a multitude of bags in an airport: stack 'em, sling 'em and what have you, but eventually you will get tired and stuff will get messy. In other words, too much preparation only leads to insanity. Emotionally, I missed out on a good chunk of my senior year in high school because I was worried about functioning in college. Do what you can and let God take care of the rest, or at least deal with something when it happens and not beforehand.

Needing is NOT weakness 

It has taken me two decades, but I'm finally in a place where I don't balk at the idea of asking for help. It's easy to stand up and yell "look at me now, world!" in regards to how far I've come and what I've accomplished. Honestly though, I didn't get here without some kind of guidance. Sure, I had to dig my heels in and fight for what I wanted at times, if not all the time. I've made choices when everyone around me thought I would fail. But I have gotten where I am today as a result of love and encouragement, despite all of that. In a way, I've learn to see pessimism and negativity (from others) as a motivation; not to prove anybody wrong, but to continually ask myself, just what am I capable of? How far can I push myself? Most of the time it works, although occasionally I do question the reasoning behind that determination.

It's become common culture for needing someone to be viewed as weak, although life has shown me the opposite. True strength lies in taking the hand of or upholding another, because it shows that one simply cannot go through life alone. Once you stop using anger, isolation, and self-reliance as a form of protection, your experiences with others will become so much richer.


It Takes (A lot Of) Time

There is no such thing as "growing up too fast" and being successful at it. Young celebrities think that they can go from teen royalty to sex icon in just a matter of months, but reality does not work that way. Old habits and routines are not things that you can simply switch on and off; it all takes adjustment and getting used to. And just because you go from one phase to the next does not always have to mean doing a one-eighty and becoming a completely different person; you just learn to take it down a few notches, and/or do certain things in moderation. Overall, you cannot control how others see you or whether or not someone will take you seriously. Shout it and out tell the world all you want, but that doesn't mean that the world will listen. And if you're going to do anything drastic, make sure it's for you and only you. 

A lot of people are probably in the same place you are: they're scared and uncertain, wanting to make sure they don't just end up living in the mundane day in and day out. Be patient, because you will get stuck and possibly even fail on more than one occassion. That's not a bad thing, really; it teaches you how to be humble and recognize that there is something bigger than you out there, whether or not you believe in God or some sort of higher power. 

I still have a ways to go, but I'd like to think that the basic definition of adulthood is simply outgrowing and evolving. Like it or not, we all do and most of the time don't even realize it. Embracing your sexuality is part of it, but it's more about perspective and maturity,  and I think that's where I'm at right now. I no longer carry this gigantic weight on my shoulders, instead of walking in peace and faith as opposed to shame and hurt. Things still do happen, but for the most part I'm calm and relaxed. I'm learning not to take shortcomings too personally, and to see people as human beings.

I don't believe in "glory days" or that the best parts of life always take place when you're young. Though I'm in no rush to get older, I'd like to think that there is something beautiful about every life stage, despite not usually recognize it in the midst of the daily grind. Cherish what you have and be present in the current moment, but don't be afraid to move forward. If there's one big lesson I've learned this year so far, it's that each day is a gift. Age should not mean that you lack anything, but that you gain something; wisdom, experience, whatever it may be, you have more of it. 

My hope and prayer is that in the midst of all of it, that I don't lose my child-like sense of wonder and zest for life. It's a sad misconception that one has to give that sort of thing up once they reach a certain age. What they don't realize is that it's the ability to see beauty in everything, and take notice of the small stuff that keeps you going. When the road gets tough, sometimes it's the truth that all will be OK eventually that helps you to hold on. You can have joy without ignoring pain, and you don't have to ignore the pain in order to love life. Some call it living in the past, but I'd rather see it as setting myself free. 

As I finish writing this, one thought occurs to me: maybe we shouldn't call it growing up, because we never really stop. As I mentioned, you can outgrow things and want to go in a different direction, but there's never a point where you say "I know all there is to know and I've done all there is to do." From now on, maybe I'll just call it growing.

photo credit: Rachel.Adams via photopin cc

Love in Action: Starting Small

I have felt a strong desire to love more deeply, as well as to love better. In the last year and a half, six people from my hometown and the surrounding area have passed away for one reason or another.  And now that tragedy has struck our country for the second time since the shooting in Connecticut, that urge has only become greater.

I once had this idea that showing gratitude and appreciation was about sappy cyber-messages and phone conversations, or the willingness to take on the weight of the world for another. And not that words or helping somebody carry a heavy burden is meaningless, they’re just not the only ways to go about it.

This is where technology can make a difference: every Monday I like to send out a text asking friends how I can pray for them during that particular week. I will gladly tell them good luck before an important exam or event, or let them know that I’m thinking of them if we haven’t crossed paths in a while.

There’s no doubt that words are powerful, especially when one is faced with their own mortality. But do they really mean anything, especially if there aren’t actions to support such declarations?

Am I personally doing enough to demonstrate love to other people? Sometimes I’m not so sure. More often than not I feel stuck between wanting to let them know how much I care about them, but not be so over the top that I come across as insincere.

That’s when I realized that if you’re not sure about something like that, you might just have to go back to the basics. You’d be surprised at how a simple “hello” or “good morning” can do wonders. I still become incredibly giddy when I see someone around campus or downtown that I know, especially if some amount of time has passed. Taking it a step further, it’s even better when we have the ability to give each other a hug and catch up for at least a couple of minutes. Things like that have so much potential to make someone’s day, and you never know what could follow.

But what about once you get to know a person? A relationship simply needs more than a greeting to survive. Back in high school, I heard about a book called The Five Love Languages; since it seemed geared toward committed or married couples, I didn’t read it until a couple of years later, and it turns out that this practice can apply to singles as well.

Basically, there are five primary ways to show someone that you care about them: it can be through physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and gifts. I’m not going to launch into an explanation of each because the book is definitely worth reading. But once you figure out another person’s love language, caring becomes a lot less stressful.

I recently took the test over again, and discovered that my primary love language is physical touch, with quality time coming in close second. That explained so many things that I had once found confusing: why I get frustrated and/or anxious when I don’t see my closest friends for long periods of time, and I realized that I’d rather prefer to spend time with people and experience things with them over material gifts.  It also made a lot of sense as to why I loved being physically touched in some way, whether it is through a hug or leaning against someone when I’m tired. The hardest part is knowing how to communicate those things; depending on the person, sometimes I do still get a little intimidated.

But being a love person is not just about what someone can do for you, but what you can give to them as well. As I mentioned beforehand, there are plenty of universal ways to say that you care about someone. Yet as you get to know each other, it becomes more important to understand (and respect) what they like and what they don’t like. This is where I appreciate the fact that I’m so observant and have a rather obscure memory. It makes my Mom really happy when the house is clean and our chores get done, particularly when she doesn’t have to tell us to do it. As far as I know, my Dad has never gotten rid of any gift or card that we kids have ever given him. My sister is not a cuddlebug in any way whatsoever. And my brother will never admit it, but I see his eyes light up whenever anyone compliments him on something. There are my best friends as well, but that would take too long.

Then there’s the question, what do you do when two people don’t like giving or receiving the same things, especially if you’re dating or married? To be honest I don’t have the answer to that one at the moment, but I do think there is a happy medium somewhere.

The biggest challenge is not reading too much into what the person is going to think. I always try to remind myself that it’s not about getting a reaction out of them, but to simply do something out of the goodness of my own heart. I can only hope that it will make someone’s day a little bit brighter, and maybe even easier if they’re going through a difficult time.

Which is why big gestures are nice every once in a while, but not necessary in every- day life. It’s wonderful to be able to support and be there for someone in a time of crisis, but why wait until then to let them know that they mean something to you? If I’ve learned anything from the tragedies of the last ten years, it’s that we are only guaranteed today. Heck, we’re only guaranteed this moment.

After witnessing the heartbreaking news coverage, it’s easy to lament how messed up the world is. But just as well, there are a lot of wonderful people out there who dedicate themselves to loving and doing good, despite all that. But you don’t have to be anybody’s hero to make an impact. It’s all about taking the ordinary and transforming it into something extraordinary.

So am I doing enough? I can’t say if that's true or not. All I can do is pray that God keeps presenting me with opportunities to love and serve other people, and hope that one day they’ll pass it on.

This is my second post in the series Love In Action. Next time I'll be discussing vulnerability and how it's not just about opening up to people, but what happens on the other side of it.

On My Mind: Digesting And Managing

This is the busiest semester I've had thus far, if not the busiest year. Don't get me wrong, I like that I'm not constantly sitting around and ultimately having too much time on my hands. And if I'm not doing stuff for school, I usually have something going on in terms of extra curricular activities every single night, except Thursdays and Fridays. 

School work consists of reading anywhere from fifty to a hundred pages per day, and that's not always for one singular class. Depending on the week, I'll have one or multiple essays/papers that I have to write. While doing all that, I'm currently taking on an internship writing articles and distributing social media content geared toward college students. 

It can be exhausting, more on an emotional level than physical. My brain tends to shut down after looking at a computer screen for ridiculously long periods of time, so I can't necessarily plow through everything at once. I get overwhelmed a lot because it's easy to envision getting everything done, but not so easy to actually do it. 

The key thing isn't necessarily prioritizing, but knowing when to work and when to take a break. Since I still deal with depressive thoughts, it's important for me to make time to do things that make me feel good and I'm not just doing it out of obligation. If I don't, I start feeling incredibly lonely and frustrated with life. 

That being said, it was liberating to say that a lot of those feeling stemmed from over analyzing how people see me. In the days following that post, I realized that I don't have to share everything with everybody, especially when it comes to social media. It's not about a lack of honesty or authenticity, but still maintaining a sense of privacy. Just because you have the ability and opportunity to display your life all over cyberspace doesn't mean you have to, or should, for that matter. 

My spring break is coming to an end, and I'll be headed back to campus soon.  It was bittersweet, given the recent news of another death of someone I knew from my hometown (the fifth one out of the last year and a half). However, it has motivated me to mend fences with some broken relationships, and I also genuinely cherished the time I got to spend with my family and take it easy.

With so much going on, life can be crazy. But that's what happens as you get older; free time becomes a commodity, and it's something that you have to work at in order to have. In retrospect, things are really looking up for me, and I'm grateful to God for the opportunities to learn and grow.

I'm taking it all in. I'm being. I'm living. And I happen to like it like that.

Thankful Thursday

Recently, my group counselor told me to make a list of things that I'm grateful for; I always try to have a heart of gratitude,because no matter where God has me at in life, there is always so much to give thanks for. I will probably post this segment once a month at the least, twice at the most. This time it is just what I wrote down as a whole, but as time goes on I will get more specific. Feel free to comment and share anything that you're grateful for as well!

1.      My faith and the foundation it has in my life

2.      An amazing, supportive family and awesome, positive friends

3.      Having the ability to walk, run, and be independent

4.      Creative expression; expressing myself through words and writing

5.      Attending the University that I go to

6.      Having my own apartment that I can wake up in and come home to

7.      Drinking a delicious cup of coffee in the morning (or any time of the day)

8.      My past experiences and the ways that I’ve grown because of them

9.      Disney movies

10.   Hugs

11.   Laughter

12.   Deep conversations; being open and vulnerable with people

13.   Spending time with my crazy, rambunctious family

14.   Dancing

15.   Cozy movie nights

16.   Random acts of kindness

17.   Dancing

18.   Music; specifically country, pop, and rock

19.   Nature: anywhere with a beach or a mountain area, watch the sun rise/set

20.   Wine

21.   Chocolate

22.   Those that protect and serve our country

23.   Grandparents

24.   Having get-togethers

25.   My pets, and the unconditional love that they give

26.   Getting older

27.   Truth and honesty, in the right context and for the right reasons

28.   When someone smiles and waves at me as we walk past each other

29.   Books and the ability to read

30.   Special moments that you don’t plan or expect

31.   Random, fun adventures

32.   Technology (sometimes)

33.   Writing letters

FFebruary has been such a whirlwind, although I've learned a lot and my perspective was changed on a lot of things. What are you grateful for this month?