Life Lately: Digging Deep

Life has been busy, and my reasons for not blogging these last couple of weeks don't necessarily only relate to it being it that time of year again; the remaining weeks before the semester's end, where everything starts to pile up and suddenly you can't see beyond the multiple essays and projects that are due by the time winter break rolls around. A lot of it has been for emotional reasons as well; I'm starting to realize that whenever I allow myself to be genuinely honest and vulnerable in any work that I do, I start feeling somewhat depressed, drained, and even angry. I kind of seeing it as being similar to when an actor gets really deep into the character role that they're playing, and when the cameras are off it can be difficult to separate the fictional world from real life. 

But what I'm writing isn't fiction, it is real life. My life, and a big part of my personal history. I always imagined that one day I would write my whole story down, but in bits and pieces. I think this is the beginning of it. For now I will write essays, but I can definitely imagine one day writing and sharing a memoir with the world. I just don't feel that twenty one years is enough of experience to write a full autobiographical book. 

In any case, that has been the main reason that blogging has been sparse for a lot of this month; I have so much to write about and discuss, but it's all very deep and in combination with the essays, I'm nervous about it spilling out of my brain like a pile of goop.

When I do get those feelings, it's mostly because I get stuck thinking about the past. I'm currently writing an essay (one that as of right now is at twenty pages) about how going to college and living in Iowa City has provided me a way to heal, mostly through the people that I've met, the relationships that I've had, and how I've grown through all of it. For my other final project, I'm writing about a few monumental experiences that I've had in the downtown area, specifically as a woman and a college student. For that particular class we have often discussed the whole virgin/whore binary, and how there is no language to discuss the in-between. I'm basically going to write about what it's like to be smack dab in the middle. Don't get me wrong, I have talked about it before, but never in terms of how I've honestly felt about it. It will be good and hopefully lift a lot of the shame off of my shoulders, but it's still daunting.

I'm finding that the hardest part about writing, specifically personal essays, is doing so without hurting anybody. However, it seems that the whole concept of "airing dirty laundry" tends to be simultaneous with malicious intent.  I think as long as you make it clear that you're not holding some of grudge against them and that you're taking steps to move forward, the reaction shouldn't be that negative. In my case, I am not out to purposefully harm anyone, but simply give my perspective on the situation. Above all, I'm learning that you can only do so much when it comes to talking about something in a way that everyone can understand it. I've spent years tip-toeing around stuff because I've been terrified of the general reaction, but I'm starting to realize that perhaps that is my biggest problem. I focus so much on how to say it that it never actually happens. 

Tell me, dear writers, how do you deal with this sort of thing? How do you let your brain decompress, particularly when you have a deadline to meet? How do you tell the truth without hurting those involved?

In lighter news, I'm changing my career path a little bit; initially I wanted to work for a publishing company and still write on the side, which in a way is still true. But after doing some networking and talking with people who've been in the business, I see now that doing something social media related may be the better way to go. There aren't any solid prospects just yet, but I'm getting there. 

The main thing right now is just to gain experience, which I do have and continue to get. I am both a writer and copy-editor for a new lifestyle and culture magazine, which will mostly likely launch at the start of next semester.

This week will be a busy one, and I'm all too excited to be able to go home and spend some time with my family for Thanksgiving. Granted, I'll still have work to do, but at least I won't have meetings and other stuff to deal with. 

Life is busy, but also incredibly wonderful!


photo credit: Ronan_C via photopin cc

When Silence Fails

I thought that after coming back to campus (the first time), I would be OK. It felt that way on the outside, but as the following poem says, deep down my feelings and emotions were like a sleeping monster.  When I went home for Country Thunder, it was like being slapped in the face (figuratively speaking). I did my best to keep quiet, but it made those three weeks a lot worse. 

And that's why I haven't really written on here in that time; I was afraid that by trying to discuss it in writing, it would come out wrong and be completely misinterpreted. I actually did try several times, but always wound up deleting it. I remembered that when I'm really sad or even angry, I write poetry as a response. So in the midst of trying to find a counselor or a pastor to talk to, I thought I would share this. I wrote it as a way of expressing how I've been dealing with these last two months, and my frustration at not being able to connect with the people around me.

The Life of Grief

Grief comes in many different forms

Morphing and changing with the passage of time

A tidal wave that washes over you, drenching you with tears

Chilled to the bone in shock

Natural, yet paralyzing

If not expressed, it can become a monster

Sitting in the underbelly of the layers of what makes us human

Clawing, tearing, and lashing

I try to keep it at bay for the sake of others

But I’m not one to hide or fake a smile

It’s just not possible

And when it finally breaks free

It can either feel good, or leave wounds

Deeper than when the first tragedy struck

Grief has two lanes

One where there’s a legacy to honor

To give love and spread kindness, as that person did

There’s no traffic and you just keep going

The other is when you can’t ignore the hurt beating against your chest

You can’t deny that something big has changed

While not knowing what the “new normal” is

Figuring out if maybe you’ve hit a detour

Or you’re dealing with a hurting or bruised

If not broken heart

This is not a something that anyone can ease

There is no such thing

As making the hurt and loss completely go away

But even if you don’t know what it’s like

To travel this road

That doesn’t mean your presence has no value

Pain has no comparison

So don’t wipe away their tears

And command them to be strong

This is not about avoiding awkwardness

Let them show what they feel

Connection doesn’t always mean sharing similar experiences

It doesn’t always have to involve words

Ask, don’t assume

If nothing else, embrace them

 And let them know you’re there

Not just in the physical sense

But that you support them

Even if you’ve never been in their shoes

You don’t have to hold their hand

Just walk with them

Respect their feelings and expression

And allow them to heal

photo credit: Paolo Margari via photopin cc

What IS Broken?

I'm taking excerpts of my own thoughts from my personal journal, because I hadn't originally intended to write this as a blog post. But after reading Elizabeth Esther's riveting piece  regarding how we teach children about being broken vs. being whole, I couldn't ignore the urge to write about it for myself.

I've been thinking a lot about brokeness, particularly in the wake of the George Zimmerman verdict, as well as the drug-related death of Cory Monteith. There is no denying that it exists, but how do we go about living in the face of all of it? One can only run from it or avoid it for so long, but ruminating in it doesn't seem to help either.

There are two definitions that seem to be spoken of the most: 1.) We all have pain and problems to deal with; No one is exempt from it, regardless of how good you are at putting on a happy face about it.  2.) That we're sinners, God hates sin, and ultimately we will never be good enough because of that. 

I'm not going to dispute whether or not sin exists, nor will I dispute that not all people are good. There clearly is evil out there, especially after realizing how many horrible events have taken place.  however, I don't think it is as black and white as some people make it out to be. Over the years, I have come up with my own definition, which can easily be summed up in two words: hitting bottom. The point where you can no longer go on unless you get some kind of help. The point where I so often realize that I need God in my life; not just to get through the tough times, but in everything I do. 

What frequently leaves me asking questions is the way being broken is taught both inside and outside The Church. We all fall short in one way or another; we will never measure up in the sense that we will never come close to being perfect. With that being said, those imperfections should not define a person's worth. My struggles and flaws should not be the deciding factor in whether or not I'm able to give and receive love. This is true in terms of both to/from God and people. While certain areas and relationships in my life may be faulty, that brokeness is not me. 

And that is why there is Grace; sin may be slapped over our heads or rubbed in our faces, but Grace is meant to be received with open arms. For some reason, I thought of Romans 8, and these verses in particular brought tears to my eyes: 

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of of the life-giving spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death (v. 1-2). 

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from the love of God. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today or our worries about tomorrow---not ever the powers of hell can separate us from God's love (v. 38).

I wish that was talked about more in church. I'm not against discussing sin and the consequences that come with poorly made decisions. But when that is the constant focus, the true message of Jesus seems to get lost in the cacophony of finger-pointing and condemnation. When we spend so much time and energy beating ourselves or each other up for wrongdoing, we leave no room for forgiveness or compassion. Therefore, we can't live out our ultimate purpose, which is to love. 

I used to walk around telling myself, I'm a broken person and that makes me useless. I believed that I would be stuck in that place of self-deprication, never fully getting out because of all that I had done/been through. I didn't know how to embrace the healing process, or at least do so in a way where it felt real.

Jesus came to set us free, not to hold us back, which is what we do when we think or talk about the bad things so often. There needs to be a balance; you can teach both sides of the coin, but it is a matter of how you do it. 

Which is why it bothers me when some people say/preach that there is no such thing as self-esteem or depression. When you're constantly told that you're first and foremost a bad person , or you don't deserve love or acceptance, what do you think happens? Worse is when you're told to "pray the pain away" and everything will be fine. Dealing with that level of pain takes more than just prayer or a one time conversation. These things take time, and for some it can turn out to be a life-long battle. I know that I will always have somewhat of a hard time with feeling "good enough" especially when it comes to personal relationships. But I refuse to allow that fear to keep me from having meaningful ones. 

As far as I'm concerned, self-worth needs no reasoning or justification. If anything, worth should come from being a child of God, or simply for being human. And quite frankly, I think I'm OK with that.

photo credit: Thorius via photopin cc

Other Writing

I wanted to blog about this particular topic on here, but since I'm required to contribute one or more articles per week for my internship, I thought it would be best to post it on there first and then provide a link for others to read. I've been thinking a lot about being "good enough" and how validation, particularly from online communities, has become so magnified in our culture. Unfortunately, it's starting to destroy people who take it too personally, ultimately keeping them from real connection. 

You can find the link to the article here, and if you like what you read, feel free to like College Social Magazine on Facebook!

When My Heart Breaks For Theirs

I do not want to go to deep into the meaning of this poem, or reveal any specific names out of respect for these people. But I'm sure we've all been there; watching a person(s) from a distance as they struggle and hurt themselves repeatedly. What's worse is that there is that there is very little that can be done on my part, aside from praying for these people and listening to them when needed. But even that can be tough, particularly when you want to scream and yell about just how badly they're destroying themselves. At the same time, I also have my own life to live and cannot fully bear a burden that isn't mine to take on. The words will hopefully explain themselves. 

Watch, Hurt, Hope

She’s just seventeen and still a child in many ways

Yet needs a prayer for something bigger than she can understand

She’s put her trust in all the wrong people

Built a foundation on people and things

Tired of loving and being left over and over

She tells her friend’s that life’s not worth living

For over twenty years

They threw themselves into what was only temporary

They claimed it didn’t matter and that’s how things would be

But at the end of the day all they do is blame each other

Neither one of them is happy

He has been struggling to find his way for most of his life

Running around in circles

One minute he’s confident, the next he’s lost again

He cries out in anger and frustration

Yet doesn’t seem to understand personal responsibility

Here I stand

Looking from the outside in

My heart breaks for such pain

A kind of pain that doesn’t seem to end

I want them to know that I care

That love will always be there

Still I hesitate for a fear of being ignored due to indifference

So in this place I pray

For healing and peace

For forgiveness and mercy

For peace and starting over

That what I call home may become a place of sunshine again

Rather than a place of sadness and bitterness

A world of gray

Over The Cyber Wall

A couple of days ago I came across the Facebook page memorializing Amanda Todd, the Canadian teenager who committed suicide last week from enduring a living hell of online bullying and harassment.I wept for her and her loved ones, the way I have wept for so many other stories like this. It always hits close to home, given my own experiences relating to the subject. But when I began hearing about the malicious messages that were being posted about her through that page, I began to question the concept of its creation, and how this all seems to be going around in one gigantic, vicious circle.

Her death was tragic, and a situation like this should not be taken lightly. Amanda Dodd deserves to be remembered and mourned.  At the same time, I too, find myself asking why certain people are glorified or are given attention on this subject, and others are not. A vast number of people kill themselves every single day due to some form of bullying, whether it be online or off. Why aren't they specifically mentioned, as opposed to be lumped in to a group of statistics?

The other thing that puzzles me is the effectiveness of "liking" something on Facebook, particularly if it is a cause or some kind of outreach. It's not just bullying; it's the "like this [photo] so that this poor dog doesn't get put to sleep" stuff. It's "Like this picture to show that you care for kids with cancer." What good does that do, exactly?

I understand the intentions behind things like that, particularly when someone takes their own life due to senseless cruelty. You want to make sure that their death is not in vain. You want to spread awareness and make sure that something like this doesn't happen again. But just because you post something on the internet doesn't mean that people become automatically informed, nor does it mean that they will care. In this specific case, it appears that cyber-bullying is more or less being enforced or inflamed; from what I've read, more people are posting messages that Amanda "deserved" what she got, given the circumstances preceding what happened, and a whole lot worse. It's an awful cycle that has been going and going; at this point, Facebook can do very little to contain it.

Meanwhile, adults have gone about the usual tactics of pointing fingers and blaming people or social media. This is something I tend to slap my forehead over;  because every time our country is dealt with some kind of tragedy, whether it be a mass murder, bullying/suicide, etc. all we do is cry foul, and nothing else. Sure, Facebook and Twitter, parents, peers, and a whole list of other stuff plays a role in such events. But is it really possible to pinpoint one or two as the sole cause? 

It seems like the underbelly of all of this is hatred; pure, unrelenting, blinding, hatred. All other things help a person or group of people feed on that hatred, but that in itself is ultimately where it starts. 

But hatred, bullying, and the like are not limited to students. It happens everywhere, with everyone. Politicians can be bullies. Business owners and leaders can be bullies. Parents/husbands/wives can be bullies. Even pastors and church congregations can be bullies. It all starts to when we fail to recognize those around us as human beings. What's worse is when we ignore their human dignity. 

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of gray areas in these things, which I'm saving for another time. But instead of focusing energy on removing one thing or adding something else, why not make an effort to actually sit down and talk to each other?  And if you don't agree with or understand something, ask that person why that idea is important to them. There's a chance that it might be more effective, rather than becoming dependent on technology or the justice system to do all the work. 

I'm not against creating a page or a website, for whomever or whatever. But "liking" or "following" something/a person can only do so much. What I mean is, people should be doing more than just getting involved on the internet. Get off your butt and act. Volunteer for an organization relating to that particular cause. Speak out whenever you see someone being treated disrespectfully. Smile and say hello to your school mates, peers, coworkers, etc. In fact, why not invite them out to lunch or coffee and get to know them? 

I have to be honest, I can't say that there is a concrete solution to stopping or preventing any wrongdoing against humanity. But we'll never know unless we turn off our computer screens and make an effort to try. 

A Sobering Truth

I can't remember where I was exactly when I heard the horrific news about the tragedy in Aurora, Colorado. At first, I didn't believe it, because it happened in a crowded movie theatre as opposed to a high school or a college campus. The gravity of it all didn't register until  a few nights ago, when I learned that there had been not one, but multiple people from my hometown that were either injured or lost their lives. I didn't sleep for most of that night, and cried on and off the following day.

This is not the first time that something like this affected me in such a way. But it's not so much that I simply feel heartbroken this time around. Rather, I feel haunted. 

I was having a conversation with a woman after church on Sunday, and we were discussing just how unbelievable it was, and still is. She said something that I have not been able to get out of my head since: that nothing is ever completely safe, at least not anymore. 

Things like this are no longer just a reminder of the fragility of life. They're no longer a reminder just how deep and dark hatred can be. For many, a sense of innocence and normalcy has been lost.  


I have found myself asking, "why?" Not exactly why this happened, for that there may never be a definite answer. The question that screams for address is "where do we go from here?" It is an issue so much deeper than gun control and comparing them with other murderous attacks. From this point on, how do we balance our lives not being completely skittish, while also realizing that we're not invincible?


I can't say that I won't not have a twinge of fear every time I go to see a movie. I'm not one that likes to sit in the back rows as it is, simply because it's hard to walk down the stairs, especially if there is a crowd. I will probably hold my breath for a little while, and be prepared to run if need be. 


But I refuse to live in complete fear; I refuse to allow a heartless act of pure evil to keep me from experiencing joy and beauty. 


And if there's one thing we should learn, it's to be aware. Not to be afraid necessarily, but aware. We're not invincible and we're certainly not promised tomorrow. All we can do is squeeze every moment out of life and savor it in the best way we know how. Yet, I do understand that it will take time and faith to be able to do so. 


Right now, my prayer is that  there may be light in the midst of darkness. That journalists, politicians, religious figures, and the like keep their biased opinions to themselves and allow those affected to mourn and heal. And that we may become one step closer to keeping these senseless acts from ever happening again. 


Amen.

The Good Guy/Bad Guy Debate

This was a very hard post to write; I don't have all of the answers to this issue, and not every situation is the same for each person. I am only discussing my thoughts based on my own feelings and experiences, and am not passing judgment or telling anyone what to do. Take it for what you will. 


Where have all the good guys gone?


This seems to be the million dollar question, especially among a lot of young women my age. You either get the ones who uphold the "there's someone out there for everyone" philosophy with stars in their eyes, or the ones that will adamantly insist that they've all gone extinct. Honestly, I've chosen to take both views with a grain of salt, because there is a much bigger picture than that. Instead of wondering why so many of them turn out to be jerks or flaky, maybe it's time to examine why we want to or do become involved with relationships in the first place.


It might have been having to watch a dear friend of mine cling to every man that paid attention to her, only to have have her heart broken a short time later. It might have been the lack of respect and heavy amount of dysfunction that I witnessed as I grew up. Or it might have been the ridiculous amount of Facebook postings indicating why someone's boyfriend was the best, and later on why the break up was so horrible. Either way, it made me really not like the idea of needing someone to complete me. I don't want to make a guy my "everything" and expect him to fill some sort of hole in my heart.


But why not?


Because I wouldn't want a man to view me in that kind of light, either. Sure, it's good to have someone that supports you and makes you want to be the best person that you can be. But there is a difference between that and completely putting your happiness on their shoulders. I have this saying that you should not look up at another person and idealize them, nor should you look down on a person and try to be perfect for them. You should both be looking at each other and be on the same page.


And that's why a lot of couples, or just the whole concept of true love in general, seems to be failing; we want the other person to meet every single one of our needs and to make us whole. We're choosing to give and receive love for all the wrong reasons.


Now let me be clear, that does not mean that anyone deserves to be lied to, cheated on, or abused in any way or form. But at what point does it no longer become only about the way a man is treating a woman, but also about the way a woman is allowing herself to be treated?


It just baffles me how we put so much faith in them, only to think the exact opposite once reality sets in. Don't get me wrong, a lot of guys are selfish and seem like they care more about their hormones than anything else. In fact, people have become really selfish in general because everyone wants their own sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. But if a girl constantly gets hurt every time she gets involved with someone, that might be an indication that she's simply picking the wrong ones. 


My biggest struggle  since I was a teenager has always been that I am way too nice. Whenever a guy wronged me in some way, I used to never bring it up out of fear of being confrontational and driving that person away. When a boy I just met would try to  emotionally or physically taking advantage of me, I pretended that it wasn't a big deal; I figured that I could at least give them a chance, and it probably wasn't a good idea to make them angry or cause a scene.


It took a few close calls for me to realize that there is a difference between being nice and allowing someone to treat you like crap. There is a difference between giving someone a chance and putting yourself in danger. And if the situation doesn't feel right, for whatever reason that may be, do whatever you have to do to get away from it. 


The biggest lesson I learned involved the importance of setting boundaries and even standards when it comes to the opposite sex. I'm not talking about a long list of every single quality you want a potential boyfriend or husband;. I mean four or five big items that could make or break the relationship. When I finally sat down and made my list, I felt more secure and confident. Not only did I gain a deeper sense of choosing not to be with just anybody, but I gained a deeper sense of what I deserve. 


And even though a guy may be good to you or have a strong sense of character, that doesn't mean you should date him. It's all about where you're at and whether the time is right for it to happen. Looking back on it, there were many times where I was not in a good place, and therefore it was probably best not to be getting involved with someone. Use good judgement when it comes to deciding whether or not you're ready, and surround yourself with people that can hold you accountable for your actions.


While it's easy to complain and wish that our culture wasn't so hyped on casual sex, I don't see the point in being overly negative about it. You cannot control another's actions or their choices, you can only control your own. Stop focusing on everyone else and concentrate on what is best for you. 


In my case, that is growing in my faith and learning how to be fulfilled and content with what I have. It has taken me a long time to fully understand this, but there really is so much more to life than who you come home to or who you go out with. While I may not have the standard definition of experience when it comes to  dating, I would rather wait for something that is meant to be, so that when it does happen, my heart is fully prepared and open to give and receive the kind of love that lasts. More so, the kind love that lasts for a lifetime.

Simplicity: Thoughts Vs. Actions

I hear it a lot: how simplicity is often defined by our choosing to get rid of stuff that we don't need, whether it be material possessions, toxic relationships, and so on. But after I wrote my last post, I began to wonder if it was more than just about creating distance or elimination. While getting rid of unnecessary clutter is a good thing, I've realized that it's not always the answer to peace or contentment. Maybe, just maybe, the true complications that we deal with have more to do with our minds and ways of thinking, rather than just what triggers those thoughts. 


In other words, living simply isn't about getting rid of your problems; it's about choosing to look at the situation in a different way, along with how you choose to handle it.


I will say that it is not something that is easy for me to do; growing up, I had this nasty habit of overreacting and reading way too much into things. I believed that letting go meant completely forgetting, and I didn't know if I could, or even if I wanted to do that. And even now, I still struggle with not getting caught up in crap, as well as fighting constant negativity. 


But lately, I've realized that I don't want to wait for a personal crisis or tragedy to happen in order to fully appreciate what truly matters. Life can be crazy, confusing, and down-right messy...but that doesn't mean that it isn't beautiful. 


So the question one may ask is, what does simple thinking involve? 


To me, simplicity is the following: 


Finding beauty in even the smallest of things, and writing down at least five things that you're grateful for in each day.


Not going through all the "what-ifs" when making a decision; instead, pray about it or go with your instincts. Either way, there comes a point where you really have to just do it. 


Choosing to forgive, regardless if you have received an apology or not; it doesn't mean that what that person did was justified, rather it means that you're allowing yourself to move on


Knowing that you don't have to have it all figured out, and being open to change. 


Laughing at yourself


Telling someone that you care


Having a face to face conversation, even thought it would be easier to just text or call them


Allowing yourself not to be controlled by ridiculous standards of beauty or being good enough


Recognizing what you can control and what you can't


Accepting that there are days when you're going to feel sad, angry and confused about one thing or another. But at the same time, you don't allow yourself to wallow in it day in and day out. 


Praying/letting go,  instead of worrying


Being present and living in the moment


As I said before, it's a work in progress, and I don't always succeed at it. But it's definitely helping me mature and ultimately helping me to make the most out of what I have. 

When You Miss Someone

A while back, I had to let go of two people that meant the world to me. I didn't do it voluntarily or because I wanted to, but because it was too hard to keep putting effort into relationships that had become incredibly one-sided. And at the time, I was also dealing with a lot of stuff at the time, and if I was going to overcome it, I had to stop focusing my energy on what I was no longer in control of.


I have found that letting go definitely takes the stress level down a notch or two, and you're no longer wondering about what to do about the situation, because it's no longer in your hands. At the same time, the heart is a very different story. In my heart, I miss them more than anything. Sometimes it comes in the form of dreams where I wake up wondering, "now what in the world was that all about?" Other instances, I'm reminded of a song or a particular moment that we had. 


And in that moment, instead of getting lost in sadness or anger, I choose to thank God for the time that I was given with them. That's not to say that I don't ever get upset or angry; I do have days and nights where I cry, because in a way it's like a death; not necessarily the death of the relationship, but the death of what used to be, and the death of what once was familiar. 


I also experience anger, although it's nothing all consuming. I just wish that they had been able to be honest with me, especially if I was doing or saying something that had bothered or hurt them. I spent a lot of time being vulnerable with them, talking about things that I wouldn't dare tell anyone else. It's heartbreaking, knowing how all I tried to do was be a friend and be supportive. To accept them exactly as they are. To not judge or point fingers. 


I wonder if I still matter to either of them, after all this time? I wonder if our relationship still matters. 


But I think that in retrospect, very little of it was about me. They each had their own struggles and issues, and I was caught in the middle of all of it because of how close we were. 


And time a part from someone you love and care about can be a good thing; sometimes you both need time to grow up and mature a little bit more. Personally, I had to learn that I can't always take care of someone, or be there for them the way that I want to. I can't expect them to have the answers for everything, or to be the answer to something. 


As hard as it is, I try not to talk about it very much with anyone else. Everyone has a different perception when it comes to something like this, and they won't always deal with it in the same way I do. And constantly discussing it won't change what has happened.


I've been asked why I still care, especially when I express that some part of me still hurts. Truthfully, I don't have much of an explanation for it, other than when I invest my time in a person, it's one hundred percent or more. Most of the friends that I am extremely close to have almost become like family. That, and I don't believe in hatred, because it just doesn't do any good. 


What I do believe in is forgiveness. I forgave both of them a long time ago, but I know now that it takes more than one time to actually feel it. I won't pretend that I'm not willing to let them back into my life, but I am not going to get on my knees and beg and plead for it. They have to be willing to meet me halfway. 


And I would love to be able to sit down and have an honest to goodness conversation about it, but I am not going to force it to happen. Sometimes people have to be in a certain place in order to do that, and right now they might not be there. I don't know for sure. 


What I do know is that all I can do is keep going. When I get frustrated or tempted to ask "why?" I ask God  for peace, and that He will take care of them in the way that I can't. I pray for them; not for an apology or  but that they may one day find healing and get themselves together. That maybe one day, God willing, we can be in each other's lives again.


However, I have come to accept the fact that I will never be able to completely forget them. Having someone always mean a lot to you doesn't mean that you're holding out for them, or that you're living in the past, at least from my point of view. It means they taught you something: whether it be how to open your heart, what's healthy and what isn't healthy, and how to let go of the uncontrollable.


 But most of all, they showed me the capacity to love, to care, and to forgive. They will always have a special place in my heart, and that's what matters the most.

Stories Worth Sharing

When it comes to blogging or any kind of non-fictional writing, there's this so-called notion that one should appear polished and "together." In terms of grammar and punctuation, of course you should make sure that it's edited and flows well; It's hard to read anything that's full of run-on sentences, misspellings and the like. But when it comes to content, that becomes a different aspect all in itself.


During my first couple of years of blogging, it was easy to sugar-coat my life. Initially, I thought having a blog was all about discussing the good things and convincing others that I was doing all right; this was particularly true during my freshman year of college, when the majority of my readers were those that thought I wouldn't last a semester away from home.


More so, there was a side of me that I really didn't want other people to see, especially those that I was just in the process of getting to know and hadn't actually opened up to yet.


I've written a lot of posts that are very deep and insightful, but the first one that I was downright terrified to write about was my witnessing a friend go through a painful time in his life, and how for a long time I felt like it had been my fault. Up until that point, I hadn't really been honest about how much the whole experience had hurt me, and how in some ways I was still hurting. I was afraid that people would just keep telling me to suck it up and move on.


Most of what I wrote from September to December 2011 was incredibly tough. I was in therapy, learning how to properly dealing with some things that I had all but swept under the rug for a very long time. I was also living in a toxic environment with someone that I wasn't meshing with, and I had to be careful about how I handled the situation for the sake of shit not hitting the fan (not right away, that is). Throughout those four months, there were some details that I shared and others that I left out. I can honestly say that I don't regret it.


Baring your soul is a nerve-racking, sometimes terrifying concept; whenever I wrote about something deeply personal, I always expected a negative reaction to it. That's not to say that it didn't happen, but  not in a way that I was aware of it. On the other hand, it was almost always extremely clarifying: I don't like purposefully trying to hide anything, or having to jump through hoops to do it. Sometimes I find it better to just say what I need to say.


The other aspect is that everyone is usually in some type of pain or coping with difficult circumstances. As cliche as it is, you never know what your story can do for someone else. I've been on both sides of the fence, having made a difference for those who have read my blog, and having been moved by other blogs as well. Sharing one's heart in writing is a huge risk to take, but understanding that you're telling the truth and being real with your readers is the greater reward.


That does not mean you should set boundaries or limits for yourself. Whenever I'm discussing a subject involving those that I'm connected to, I do my best not to include names. Regardless of my feelings toward a person or group of people, it's important to still be respectful of their feelings and privacy. Whenever I write, the goal is not to purposefully cause any pain, but to be authentic and to encourage.


And although authenticity is important, I don't always share every single detail of my experience if I am not comfortable with it. Not everyone needs to know everything. And in terms of writing, readers should be able to figure out how you feel about it without you having to spell it out. Share the facts and how you feel about them, but be careful not to get too caught up where your main message gets totally lost


Sadly, not everyone will accept or agree with what you have to say. Personally, it's tempting to want to fight back and defend myself with someone leaves a not-so-nice comment. While I haven't been "trolled" yet (i.e. those in cyberspace that seem to make it their mission to find blogs to hate, when they can simply stop reading them) I can't say whether or not it won't happen. I've said it before and I'll say it again: developing a thick skin is almost a necessity for blogging, or any kind of writing. Rejection, in whatever way that may be, is part of the territory. It will hurt and it will suck. But at the end of the day, there's really nothing you can do about it; you have to simply accept it as an opinion and move on. 


Every human being has a story; often times, multiple stories within a story. Whatever they may be, and whatever you may have gone through to be able to stand up and tell it, it is worth sharing. It may have a few grisly details and it may not have the happiest of endings, but that does not mean there isn't any good that can come of it. There's always a chance of giving someone hope and encouragement; of letting them know that they're not alone, and that they're loved and cared for.


There is a chance that you might end up saving a life.


The question is not whether yours deserves to be shared, because it most definitely does. More or less, are you ready to share it, and if so, how? 


Write. Speak. Do whatever you need to do. If you want to see change in the world, you have to speak up!


I won't say that my posts in the near future will be "controversial." However, they're going to be about topics that I have been mulling over for a long time. They're going to be deep, and there's a possibility of ruffling some feathers. My hope, ultimately is that we might even get a bit of dialogue going. I've never had a discussion before on my blog, and it will be interesting to see the way things turn out.

Role Models...Should We Have Them?

I've been meaning to write this for a long time, but had trouble with finding the right words to say. I wanted to discuss it on the heels of a topic that I wrote about last year in the midst of a sports scandal at my school; that is the power behind making a choice and the positive or negative impact that could follow. Yet, I couldn't come up with a clear answer in regards to the concept of role models. Even today, I still go back and forth about it, but I have somewhat of an idea. And while some may disagree with it, it is just an opinion. 


The common consensus is that my generation, and every generation following suit is morally going downhill.  There are political leaders vowing to make changes that will supposedly "save" America, and make claims that they're the right person for the job. Soon after, somebody cries foul for one reason or another. Athletes, movie stars, and musicians are hailed as royalty, but then they get themselves into a jam and fall just as quickly as they rose.


And so the elders cry out, "where are the leaders? Who can give a sense of direction? Who can be a light?" Or my favorite, "what happened to the old days?"


That made me wonder, are some people really all that great as they're proclaimed to be? That's not to say that nobody screws up and that they shouldn't take any responsibility for their actions. Yet, I'm beginning to believe that a lot of it has to do with the media; they harp on celebrities who supposedly have this saintly image, but one wrong move and they go straight to tearing them down.


Of course, then we're told that it is more realistic to look up to people in our communities, such as teachers, parents, or those in service jobs. But don't they too, have their share of stumbles? Don't get me wrong, I love my family; but there are definitely mistakes of theirs that I certainly don't want to repeat anytime in the future.


It's not simply a matter of who you look up to, but how and why you look up to them. 


A couple of years ago, I had to watch a friend go through an extremely rough patch in his life. It affected me very deeply because of how close we were, and there were moments where I did take it personally. At first, I blamed myself for what he was going through. 


I looked up to him very much, especially when we were first getting to know each other. And now that I look back on it, I realize that most of the pain and anger that I had against him wasn't due to what he was doing to me. It was because he would no longer be this person of example, this person that I held so much in high regard. In my eyes, he was perfect; but that image of perfection would vanish in the midst of what was happening at the time.


Not long ago, I wrote about people that inspired me throughout 2011. I have never discussed this before, but there were times where I was slightly intimidated by being around them. It wasn't related to anything they did, but I had this notion that they were all put together, while I was the complete opposite. I can recall several times where I would have breakfast with a friend and in the back of my mind think, how do you do it? I struggled very much with not telling specific people about what exactly was going on in my life; A part of me wondered if they would genuinely understand, because neither of us had ever talked about that kind of stuff. 


It has taken me awhile to fully realize that while some may appear to have it all figured out, or have a lot going for them, deep down they're still ordinary people. They have fears, needs, struggles, and pain just like the rest of us. And while that does not excuse those who know damn well that they're doing something stupid, yet do it anyway, or those who preach one thing but live another...no one will ever be completely and utterly perfect. 


That is why I have always done my best to be both honest and authentic. While I ultimately cannot control how other people see me, I really don't want to be put on some kind of pedestal or become the postergirl of any particular matter. 


So when it comes to influences, I've learned not to look at people as the epitome of anything. Rather, I look to different people for different reasons. There are those that I admire because of their work ethic, determination, and strength. For others, it's their morals, attitude, personality, and/or overall outlook on life. 


With that being said, the lines can and often do become blurred: you cannot expect a young kid to immediately stop adoring their football hero because he got busted for drugs. On the other hand, while it is perfectly justifiable to be angry when a person royally screws up due to a bad decision, is it fair to expect them to constantly try to live out this golden image? I'd like to think that first a foremost, a person would want to live a healthy lifestyle when they have so much going for them, or they have potential to do great things. It seems like living a certain way for another's sake would only be a way of trying to please them.


Like it or not, each and every one of us is a role model of some kind; there are those of us that live as examples of what to do, and there are those of us who live as examples of what not to do. It doesn't matter if someone goes on live television and proclaims whether or not they're worth emulating; people will see what they want to see. 


I know that I am recognized and admired for a variety of things; I've been approached by various teachers, friends, and strangers over the years who tell me what an inspiration I am. I can only hope that I emulate a positive message; perhaps not solely on morals or beliefs, but on how to work hard and never give up on what you really want in life. 


But the main reason I see myself as a role model is not because of what I do, but because I have younger siblings and cousins. While I always try to communicate with them that I'm not perfect, I want them to know that there are risks worth taking, along with risks that are definitely not worth taking. 


As much as we all want to have others that have gone before us, someone that can teach us and guide us, I do not believe that the lack of positive influences in our society means that we're all doomed. Personally, I believe that it is a chance to learn how to become leaders in our own right, as opposed to carbon copies. 


In hindsight, the path that one person takes should not determine the path that others will take. No one forces you to do anything, whether it be good or bad. Just like a person who was raised in a church has the capability of falling, a person who was raised on drugs and alcohol has the capability of getting back up. It is about having the will to do something, regardless of how hard it may be. 


Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody screws up. But, everybody also has a choice. 


And regardless of where you come from, how you were raised, or what you've been through, the choice is yours.

Great Risk, Great Reward

Day 20-Risk


What was the greatest risk that you have taken this year? Were the results (good or bad) what you expected? 


I took a lot of risks in the last twelve months or so. I had a few wild nights, made friends with people that I was beyond intimidated by at first, and moved into an apartment when a lot of people warned me that it wasn't the best idea. 


However, the biggest chance I probably took was a rather simple one; I was honest, as well as vulnerable. I had quite a few difficult conversations with my parents about my feelings toward certain incidents that had taken place over the years, as well as what was really going on between my roommate and I. During my counseling sessions, I had think back to a lot of memories that I had all but forgotten, and explain how I genuinely felt about them (mostly pissed off, hurt, and even a little traumatized). I wrote and shared blog posts that were often raw as well as deep. And through it all, I opened up to my friends about what was going on, either verbally or in writing. 


Realistically, I didn't have a whole lot to lose; if nothing else, it was my pride. But I was still very much afraid, mostly of how my friends would look at me or treat me afterward. I didn't want to be that girl that was screwed up and couldn't get herself together. I didn't want to appear needy or make it seem that I was using anyone. And I didn't want to push them away due to intimidation or not knowing what to say. 


But when I chose to be open, it was very much a relief. As I said previously, I could focus my energy on moving forward and working through my problems, rather than pretending to be strong and happy all the time. I found peace in the fact that others were aware of my situation and were as supportive as they could be. 


The results from such admissions aren't only just releasing my burdens or the deepening of relationships. I have gained a mountain of confidence and emotional strength; trust me when I say that the more you do something, the more comfortable you become with it. 


From where I'm standing, I feel like I have made a lot of progress. And you know what? I'm pretty proud of myself for it. 


The question to be asked is whether or not you should be vulnerable, but why. If you do it first and foremost for yourself, then why give a second thought to what other people might think? I'd like to believe that I can somehow control another person's reaction by either waiting a little while or phrasing it a certain way. Regardless, there's no guarantee. As hard as it is to accept, not everyone will "get it" or choose to be there for you. It sucks, but at least you know who's worth having in your life and who isn't. 


The funny thing is, vulnerability is something that each and every one of us is afraid of. Nonetheless, it's a risk I'm willing to take, because it's just a part of my nature. If people feel put off or at odds by it, then tough luck.  I don't like lying, and I definitely don't like hiding. 


When you take a risk, you may end up with more or less than you bargained for. But when you don't, more than likely you'll end up with useless questions and unfulfilled dreams that might not get another opportunity to come true.

Over The Mountain

We've all done it at some point or another; in a time of crisis, chaos, or pain we tend to say "If such and such happens, then it will be better." It is the point of relief, where once we reach it, we can just sit back and relax because the ride is a hell of a lot easier. Or at least it should be.


When I was young, I clung to to it with my life, allowing it to give me an often false sense of hope: "Once my Dad gets a job, once I get a boyfriend, once people stop being mean to me...." I saw it as a cure-all for the pain that I was in. Yet in reality, they were just band-aids covering up the issues that I was refusing to deal with or sort through. 


Lately, I have begun to call this way of thinking "Over The Mountain Syndrome." It is where one thinks that the climb may be tough, but once you get to the top, everything must be smooth sailing from here on out. To put it in non-cliche terms, it is depending on what is to come of the future to somehow take away to the pain, frustration, or discontentment that a person may be feeling. In reality, it is not always guarenteed to happen, whether it happens at all or in the way we want it to.


My old youth pastor once explained to me in a way that was both hard to hear and sobering at the same time. When I was a sophomore in high school, he explained to my youth group that "life doesn't really get any better; you're always going to have problems that you have to deal with and struggles that you have to face. Which is why you can't depend on things or even people to make everything OK. It all comes down to how you choose to react and how you choose to handle it."


It initially did not make very much sense to me; it was as if he was saying that because these were my issues, I would have to fix them myself. However, over the years that view slowly changed; I feel like right now I have a more clear understanding of that particular message. 


It is not necessarily that we have to be the ones to fix all our problems, or even depend on outside sources (friends, family, events, etc.) to fix it for us. There are certain instances of pain and/or struggle that cannot be fixed, so to speak. Sometimes it is more or less just allowing time to pass and allowing matters to sort themselves out. Other times it's refusing to let the pain get the best of you and focus on the positive aspects. 


I am writing about this particular topic because I am going through a difficult trial right now. I won't go into details at the moment, but it has a lot to do with intrusive personal thoughts (in other words, thinking about things that aren't really true) and feeling incredibly let down by certain people in my life. I haven't really talked about it with anyone, because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. If anything, I would rather have support and encouragement as opposed to pity. 


However, that does not mean I am going to sit around wallowing in my troubles, all the while expecting something or someone to find some magical cure. I am beginning to understand that you cannot rely on other people to make you happy, but that you have to be able to make yourself happy. How exactly that works, I haven't quite figured out yet; but what I do know is that I am determined to come out of this, even if it means clawing my way out (literally). 


And if I am that determined to do something, one can bet that I most certainly will do it.

Ten Years Later

I was just nine years old, only a child when it happened. We were walking back from either music or gym class, one of the two at least, when I spotted a group of teachers huddled in a corner. I heard one of them mention that there had been a plane crash. I didn't take it seriously, thinking that it had just affected one of them and nobody else.


I came home that afternoon to the TV broadcasting news footage of the attack non-stop; I think my parents left it on pretty much all day and even well into the nighttime. I vaguely recall watching replays of buildings collapsing and hearing people scream.


At one point I turned my Dad and asked innocently enough, "why did somebody do this?"


"Well Al, they just don't like the United States"


I didn't understand it. The following days and weeks were all a blur to me; I just couldn't grasp the severity of the situation. George Bush was constantly addressing crowds of people and telling them that the attackers would be caught and punished. MTV played music videos in memory of those that lost their lives and Mariah Carey's "Hero" seemed to be on repeat. 


We talked a little bit about it in school; I often said how I couldn't decide which was worse, September eleventh or Pearl Harbor? The only thing I knew about Pearl Harbor was that a naval base had been bombed by a foreign country a very long time ago. 


I wanted to cry and grieve like everyone else, but the tears weren't there. 


Only when I got a little older did I begin to fully comprehend just how much this tragedy impacted our country. I read several books where peopled discussed with such honesty about the horrors they witnessed that day. 


I realized just how much hatred there is in our world today; for someone to drive a plane into a building, both filled with innocent people. And the fact that it was multiple planes, multiple buildings, millions of people dead? The idea even today is still unimaginable. 


My brother once wrote something for his third grade class for a program they were putting on at the time. I can't remember the whole thing, but there was a line that said "we will stand tall until peace is brought again." 


In the last ten years since it happened, has there been peace? In some cases, maybe. It seems like we're trying to move forward, but end up taking so many giant steps backward: there's still very many stereotypes regarding those in the Middle East, as well as those of Middle Eastern descent. We're still in two wars that no one seems to know why we're fighting anymore. I could go on. 


But the bigger question is, will we ever know what peace is? Will there ever be a generation living without violence, ignorance or hatred? I ask that because this is what the last ten years have stemmed from. 


Ten years ago, I didn't cry. Now as I read the University newspaper, I feel like I finally understand enough to do so.


Never Forget.