Being Real

Like many bloggers, I struggle with being real in the things I post. Not real in the sense that I'm not being true to myself or my personality, but to my feelings. Some will call this authentic blogging; that is, being honest in regards to what you write about without sugar-coating it, nor taking on an Eyore (from Winnie the Pooh)-esque attitude. 

It's something that I've battled since I was twelve; whenever I would come home in tears from having a bad day at school (which during that time was fairly often) my mom always told me that "no one likes a depressed person." When I would be completely honest with my therapist/school counselor, she'd always ask "what's with all this negativity?" When I would talk to my friends about it, they didn't really know what to say (not that I'm blaming them in any way whatsoever). It got to the point where I felt like I was pushing all my loved ones away, so I decided that it would be better to bury my true emotions and just deal with things on my own. 

Eventually I did learn to open up more, but only to certain people; over time, they became the only people confided in because they were good at listening and never passed any judgement in regards to what I told them. When it came time for high school, I decided to be happy no matter what because I didn't want to have a repeat of my middle school years. 

Even today, both trust and authenticity are delicate issues for me. I've come to the conclusion that I'm extremely stubborn, and therefore incredibly prideful. I usually don't like asking for help (or unfortunately, even accepting help)  unless I really need it. I don't want people seeing me and thinking "oh poor Aly." (On a side note, I think that pitying someone is rather useless if you're just going to stand there and be a bystander. But that's a different topic, one which I'll post about later) When I talk to my friends that go to different schools, I try to be as cheerful as possible because I want them to know that I've changed for the better. 

In a nutshell, I do care what people think about me; not every single person, but the ones I'm closest to or have became close to. Deep down I know I can't control how others see me, but it's something that over a long period of time has become entangled in my own nature. 

I'm slowly learning how to find a balance in joy and pain, as well as good days and bad. I know now that there are times where I need to swallow my own pride and allow people to give me a hand, because I cannot do everything alone. People change, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst, but the ones that truly  appreciate you for just being you will always be there. When it all comes down to it, it's not healthy to stuff everything under the rug. You have to let it out every once and awhile and allow people to be there for you. 

So let me be real here...

If anyone were to ask me what I really wanted right now, it wouldn't be to triple fast forward DVR style to graduation day. Despite that I'm tired of being in a fishbowl (and in a uniform, no less) I want to be able to have time to "stop and smell the roses", if you will. I actually made a list of things I wanted to accomplish before then; but I guess it's not so much what I do, but rather who I'm with. 

Life has been hard at times; I often experience bouts of loneliness, missing those that so often have made me laugh or put a smile on my face. I guess that happens when three of your best friends go off to college and the other one drops you like a hot potato. In all truth, I really hate that I haven't been hugged or given someone a hug in awhile. Yes, I realize how random and weird it sounds, but I've always been a bit of a cuddlebug. I used to hug people all the time, and now it's almost become a rarity. Deep down, I mostly want to be held for the sake of being held. Is that needy? perhaps so. But I think every once and awhile it's all right to ask. 

In the midst of everything, I've begun to see who my real friends are. There's a saying of mine, where "people come in and out of your life, but the truest of friends are the ones that wait in the doorway." Granted, I don't see them very much since we go to seperate schools; yet I believe I've come to appreciate them very much because of it. Those are the ones that I'd like to spend my last couple of months of high school with. And then there are those who I haven't really talked to in awhile, and would love to reconnect with, even if it comes down to the remaining months of the summer. 

It's hard to come up with an exact definition of what "being real" actually means. The way I view it, you just have to live and let be. 

Athletic Admiration

I come from a big family from sports lovers and participants; pretty much everyone has either been involved in football, basketball, hockey, track, cheerleading, softball/baseball, soccer, gymnastics, wrestling, volleyball...or a mixture of all of them. My Grandfather has been a Bears season-ticket holder since the sixties, and I recently just went to one for the first time this past October. Despite being somewhat of the black sheep in the family as far as actually playing sports goes, they have always remained an integral part of my life. 


As a youngster, I didn't come to appreciate and admire the hard work and dedication of athletes until I was in eighth grade. When my brother started playing football, he eventually did get moved up with older kids because of his speed and size. Unfortunately, I didn't take notice of his talent due to sticking my nose in a book almost every Sunday that he had a game. When my sister started playing soccer I rarely, if ever, went to any of those. 


As a freshman in high school, he was given a spot on the junior varsity football team and moved up to varsity the following year (only one of two sophomores, might I add). I believe he's either a fullback, or a halfback...maybe both? I do know he's in the back field though. Anyway, I wore his jersey all of my junior year and the majority of this past season; and let me tell you, I was proud of it!! Most girls wear the guys' jerseys because their either their girlfriends or just for the sake of doing so, but I was proud to be his sister. And just so everyone knows, I still am. 
He's also heavily involved with wrestling and is current going down to compete in the state finals. Truth be told, I didn't quite comprehend or understand the concept of hard work and dedication until now. He's faced many obstacles this season, between fighting off bells palsy and cutting about twenty pounds (and staying that way) for the last three months or so. 


Both my sister and my cousin are cheerleaders; for anyone who says that cheerleading isn't a sport, go to one of the competitions and actually watch what they do. It takes practice, skill and focus to have the ability to pull  off stunts like that. In a sense, it's almost like acrobatics. I'll admit that I was nervous the first time I watched my sister compete.

I do get nervous for both of my siblings; it's always bothered me watching my brother get tackled (there were moments when I even shut my eyes) and whenever he would get injured (though they were minor) I would always be biting my nails praying Dear Lord, please still let him be able to play! As cheesy it sounds, sports do get personal for me when it involves watching a family member out there on the field, court, or wherever. I still can't watch his wrestling meets (at least to a certain degree) because even when he's in control of the match, I still cringe watching him get put in a headlock.


I also have friends that are deeply involved in athletic activities as well. Whenever I got the chance, whether it was because we had an off week or an away game that I just didn't feel like going to, I would always go and watch two of my guy friends play football at the local high school that I would've gone to. It was a ton of fun (the crowds are more lively and it would sometimes get crazy) but difficult to watch at times; I could only fathom what they would be feeling while being out there (and to say the least, it wasn't in a good way). There are also friends who play basketball that I would go and watch the games. 
If all of the above might sound strange to some (especially in regards to those who I don't go to high school with) it was because they're my friends and I wanted to support them one way or the other. Granted, we don't get to see each other that often, but that doesn't mean that I don't  care about them. 


Some people might ask me where I fit in with all of this; at times, I do wonder what it would be like to score a touchdown or make the winning basket for a victory. I have dabbled in sports over the course of my life, and I think my biggest accomplishment was running track the summer of my freshman year. But honestly, I'm content with being a spectator; God gives each of us different gifts and talents, and we're not all meant to be good at everything. So I just choose to focus on the fact that I've been blessed with the gift of creativity and words :) Plus, it would be difficult for me physically, and I just don't have the energy for it. 


All in all, I am incredibly proud of so many people, both friends and family. You guys do more than I ever could and I admire you so much for it :)

Lil' Reflections on Relationships

Quite a mouthful, eh? And no, this is an anti-valentines day/I loathe relationships kind of post. I've been thinking about it over the last couple of weeks, given it feels as though I've been riding a bit of a roller-coaster (as far as this particular subject goes) since September. I'm usually not one that frequently blogs about love and romance, but it's nice to let it out every once and awhile. But for privacy sake, I won't name anyone specifically. 


I haven't been in a relationship exactly, but I have had relationships with guys that have really made a world of differences in my life. The first one began when I was thirteen, young enough to be fully interested in the opposite sex but rather clueless as to what real love actually entailed. We became closer over the months that followed and I saw him as one of, if not my very best friend. He listened to what I had to say and never beat me up about anything. In my eyes, he was a rarity; they say that as teenagers (and even well into their twenties) guys have this immaturity about them. I'm not saying that he was completely and utterly perfect, but I just didn't see that. 


But like everyone else, we all have our own personal demons that we have to deal with. Since my freshman year we've had our share of ups and downs. I don't think he ever meant to deliberately hurt me; he had issues with himself and I happened to get caught in the middle of it all. I'm not sure where he is today, or what happened entirely. I wrote a tribute to him not too long ago for one of my college applications; perhaps one of these days I'll have the chance to let him read it. 


The other one happened more toward the middle of that same year. I'd known him for a long time up to that point, and he was one of the first (and still is one of the very few to this day) who would actually have a sense of humor when he was around me. We goofed off and made fun of each other quite a bit; my favorite thing was trying to kick his ass one way or the other (not literally of course, because I don't think that would even be possible). We did have the occasional deep conversation, during which he gave me pieces of advice that still stick with me now. But our relationship, or whatever you want to call it, was more based on having fun and just being ridiculous. 
I find myself missing that aspect alot lately, being that my high school doesn't have too many guys like that. I've seen him around, but haven't had an actual conversation with him since sophmore year (on valentines day, no less) It would be nice to see him before graduation, just to catch up. 


And there was someone else, who is no longer a part of my life (at least emotionally) I met him at the beginning of last year and was drawn to him because he wasn't like the other guys I went to school with. He seemed genuinely nice and I felt like I could really respect him. I felt something for him, but it scared the crap out  of me because I didn't want to get hurt again. Though there was a lot of good, the whole thing was saturated with insecurity, doubt and fear. Eventually I felt like a doormat and got sick of it. In a way, I lost myself. 


I still love these people each in a unique way, and I don't think that'll change. I can't deny that there hasn't been pain or frustration, but I don't regret any of it. But through all of these experiences, I've learned the following lessons:


1. You can't put your happiness into the hands of someone else; people will come in and out of your life for different reasons, and you can't let that determine the way you view life. 


2. If someone doesn't bring out the best in you, than you shouldn't be with them


3. Don't be afraid to be silly or be a complete dork, especially if it's what you makes you who you are. If any guy or girl truly cares about you, they're not going to mind


4. No one is ever worth losing your true self over


5. Never settle for being a doormat


6. And I betcha that every single self-help/dating book can be summed up in two words: Be  Yourself!!!


I'm not sure which direction to go in when it comes to relationships right now. At this moment, I'm still struggling with trusting people in general. I don't want to set impossible standards, nor do I want to just settle for whomever. I don't have any particular plan, and thats ok. Sometimes the best things are the things that come into our lives unexpectantly. 

Eighteen Years

Tomorrow, February 1st will mark my eighteenth birthday. I'll be able to buy my own lottery ticket (and an assortment of other stuff) as well as be free of a curfew and not be under my parents responsability. But for me, it's not just about all those things. It's actually a lot more then that.


I was a premature baby; my mother gave birth to me when I was only at the twenty-seven week gestation period, and spent about four and a half months in the NICU. My survival rate was skeptical and there were several times where I came close to death. I have several major surgeries over the course of time, and have been through various physical and emotional stages throughout my life, some that will have a lasting effect on me. But I am here at this moment, alive.


When one is healed from a sickness/disease, or have miraculously survived a health-related ordeal, much of the credit will go to modern medicine. I do agree that there is truth to that, but only to an extent. On the other side of things, one has to have the will-power and the strength to fight so that the medicine will work.


 My mom has always told me that even at two days old, I was a feisty little thing; I was constantly kicking my diapers off and the nurses had to put little mittens on my hands, and somewhat pin them to the bed so that I wouldn't tear off the tube that was connected to the ventilator. I don't think that a one pound, fifteen ounce baby could do that alone. I believe that I am still because of the amazing Grace of God. When it all comes down to it, Faith and spirituality are the two most core things that have gotten me to this point in my life. I do believe that I have a purpose; otherwise I don't think I would be here.


Last night I wept, not in sadness or frustration, but in gratitude. That happens sometimes, where there are little to no words that can express my being thankful, so I just cry. I am incredibly thankful for my family, especially  my parents and grandparents, who've been my champions and "biggest fans" (as my Grandfather likes to phrase it) since I was born. My Mom and Dad have supported me in everything I've done, and have done their best to comfort me and be there for me when hugs and kisses couldn't make everything better.


My siblings have also played a huge role in me getting to where I am today; at just a baby himself, my brother was my motivation for crawling and later on, walking. Now he has been the one that has motivated me to get my butt in gear and get my driver's liscense. My sister has always helped take care of me, both physically and emotionally. I am so proud of them for what they have accomplished athletic-wise, and they've become my role models for hard work and success.


Friends, regardless of how long they've been in my life or how close I've been with them are very special to me as well. There are very many who've taken the time in getting to know me and trying to understand me, as there are times where I feel misunderstood by the rest of the world. Regardless of the time or circumstances, I see them all as angels and am grateful for their love and support.


This particular post may sound incredibly sappy and sentimental to some, but this is a huge milestone for me. Also, I consider myself to be very blessed by still having the chance to be here, so I try to appreciate even the smallest things in life. Birthdays are included :)


The journey is not over for me though...in fact, it's far from over. I have many more things to accomplish, including graduating from high school in about three months and going away to school not long after. It's going to be quite a ride, but a ride that I'll no less do my best to enjoy and cherish. 


If there was any way to sum up how I feel about my life, these lyrics ("Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas) would jut about do it: 


our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

Wading Through the Winter Blues

I'm not a huge fan of winter at all. I can take the cold, snow and what have you at the beginning of December, when the christmas decor is practically covering it all and I can just focus on the pretty lights and holiday cheer. Around that particular time, I happen to enjoy sipping hot cups of cocoa and burying myself under a half a dozen or so blankets. But after while (especially after the decorations come down) such a routine gets tiresome; sweaters become to feel overly itchy and heavy, I get sick of the hot water constantly drying my skin out, and being cooped up in the house all day begins to seem like prison.  Well, I wouldn't go to that extreme but it gets annoying after awhile.

In other words...I have a pretty bad case of the winter blues.

It's tough to say how long this kind of thing actually lasts for me; usually it begins a little after new years, comes to a standstill around my birthday (which happens to be coming up, by the way) and there's no telling when exactly it will end.

This time in particular, it's an insanely frustrating thing to deal with. I won't go into exact details right now, but I've been experiencing bouts of anger with someone in my life (or not so much anymore, to put it that way) and admit that I'm having a difficult time getting past that. I think it's because I have to see this person every day and they won't even go so far as to even say hello or look at me.  It would be easier if this person wasn't one of my closest friends (at school) and if I did get to see my other close friends every single day (reason being is because we don't even go to the same school. ha). But truthfully I feel more hurt than I do anger. I don't understand, and maybe I never will. I guess it's one of those things where I simply have to suck it up and move forward, regardless of how much I hate to do so.

Yet the good thing that's been coming out of all this stuff (and then some) is that I'm beginning to find my faith again. Faith and spirituality are two things that have been pretty absent from my daily life since the summer before junior year, and I'm grateful for the realization as to how much I really do need it. At this moment I'm trying to focus on finding "the joy in the junk" (a phrase that one of my old youth leaders used to say) and finding hope in what cannot be seen.

Other good things that have been going on...

• I recieved $1500 dollars from the University I'll be attending next year. Yes, it's not much in today's standards, but it's something! And hopefully I might just be getting more in the coming months from other independent scholarships I've applied for.
• I made a Bucket list of sorts; if anyone is willing to take me out for sushi, Thai or Greek food, please say so! haha I have about a half a dozen other things on there as well :)
• My eighteenth birthday is only about a week and a half away
• I have my Mommy; yes I will call her that! she has been the one sitting with me and letting me cry out all the tears over the last few weeks or so. And a note to all seniors or ones that will be seniors, learn to appreciate your parents!
• Getting text messeges and/or being able to spend time with friends that I don't see that often; sometimes just texting someone can put me in the best mood. And even though not seeing them a whole lot is hard, it makes me appreciate them more :)

All in all, it's definately cold outside. But I'm just trying to keep myself focused on the warmth and the love within my life, and go from there.

One Down

I'm in the midst of taking my first semester finals, and I'm amazed at how the first half of senior year has already come and gone. It was an all right one, but one that was definately full of stress and a ton of crap that I'm glad to have put behind me (for the most part).

I won't deny that I'm dealing with a bout of senioritis; I'm sick of being in classes that I don't get very much out of and that I don't even have to neccessarily be in (I only signed up for them because they were prerequisites for the schools I wanted to get into). I'm sick of wearing a uniform that I usually either freeze in or a sweat like a pig in, and not to mention that it's made of almost pure plastic. I'm sick of waking up before sunrise every morning, running around for seven hours, and then barely having any energy to do anything when I get home.

Frankly, I'm just bored.

On the other side of things, I'm not in that much of a rush to graduate. I constantly hear "oh I'm so ready to be done!" and in a way I agree with them. But yet I personally feel like there are so many more things I want to do and alot of memories that I want to make. I don't wanna be going through the motions by just going to school, coming home, doing my homework and then doing it all over again for the next four and a half months or so.

Right now I'm not particularly scared of anything related to graduating or college; those fears will most likely set it around sometime in July and August. What I'm scared of most is letting the next semester go by while I'm just sitting around thinking about stuff and not actually pursuing it. Thats what I tend to annoy myself the most with; making plans but not having those plans come to fruition.

And I think I speak for most if not all seniors when I say that I've worked my butt off up to this point, and I'd like to relax and have fun. That doesn't mean completely throwing in the towel and saying "adios!" to homework and studying (even though deep down it really would be nice). It just means not completely focusing on school all the time and allowing yourself to let your hair down a bit.

I've done alot of things and had many opportunities in life that most kids can't speak for. However, deep down I feel a little bit of jealousy. I hear about or see pictures of simple things, like sitting in the basement and just talking or taking a random trip to 7-11. I have had experiences like that, but not so much in high school. And I believe that the simplest things often times turn into the best memories.

So that's why I'm making a list, a bucket list if you will. Whether or not I do it all before I graduate or before I go to college will vary. But I'm not worried about when I'll make those accomplishments, but who I'll be with when I do it. As the saying goes, "It's not what you do, but who you're with that matters."

To Bless and Be Blessed

I always thought that one of my main goals for 2010 would be to stop stressing out so easily and live more of a simpler life. But yet as this week progressed, I found myself reconsidering as to what my number one goal really was.


I've been reading a book called Writing to Change the World; it's not neccessarily a manual for writing in general, but an in-depth look at writing that will effect other people in a positive way. At one point during the introduction, the author talks about visiting her dying Grandmother in the hospital. She proceeds to ask "Grandma, were you happy with your life?" The Grandmother replies that better question would be not if she was happy, but if she was able to do some amount of good while she was living her life.


Just recently I was having coffee with a friend at starbucks talking about high school and the trivial things that are starting to wear on the both of us. She recalled to me about a time when a freshman dropped his books all over the floor and no one really made an effort to stop and help him. Once she saw how much the boy was struggling she went over and helped him gather his things so that he could get to his next class


And when I got home that night and wrote down all of the little blessings I'd been experiencing that day, I thought to myself I have been blessed with so much, both in the last couple of weeks and throughout my life. But what have I personally contributed to the people around me?

Which leads me to say that my resolution for 2010 has changed a bit; well maybe not changed per say, but I've added something to it: I want to be more of a selfless person; I don't want to just recieve from people anymore, I want to give. And not just give back to loved ones that have been there for me or get involved with volunteer work. I want to bless someone each and every day.

To me, blessing someone isn't just about donating time or money to an event or organization. There are so many small blessings that can make a world of difference to someone. I know I can bless my parents by doing my chores without being asked. I know I can bless my siblings and friends by coming out and supporting them when they play sports. Other times it just might be the simple things, say loaning a pencil or saying hi to someone in the hallway. (Honestly, things like that just tend to put the biggest smile on my face. haha)

It seems like with the recession going on, alot of America has kicked into an "every person for themselves" type mode and do what they have to do to survive. I understand that, because my family has been in that position for three years. But does that mean we have to forgo everyone else's needs as well? Like I said, it's not (and should never be) just about giving money. If there are parents in the neighborhood who've been working their butts off trying to put food on the table, maybe one could offer to watch the kids while they have some time to themselves. Or perhaps if someone you know is running around like a chicken with their head cut off trying to clean the house, would it be all that bad if you yourself picked up mop and dustpan yourself alongside them?
The saddest part is seeing what selfishness can do to so many people, especially those my age. Over Christmas break I was in the parking lot and Target with my mom when I heard a woman practically yell "You know what? I really don't care about other people!" (Suffice to say I don't know what the situation was in it's entirety but it sounded like she really meant it). There are incidents similar to the one my friend related to me that happen every single day, and at times there are even worse happenings that go on in all sorts of groups of people and schools.

Is it ever hard? Yes! It's human nature for every single one of us to be selfish; we all have wants and desires, whether they be materialistic or wondering about what people truly think about us. I'll admit that in the back of my mind, I have a tendancy to be like that. It's a horrible habit that I'm working to break. It has become my prayer each morning that I might be able to bless someone that day, regardless of how big or small of a blessing it may be.

And that's the truth; that wherever I go or whatever I do, that something good may come out of it. I hope that I can bless people through the writings that I share with them, or whoever comes to this blog. I hope that I can bless my friends by being a good friend myself and being there when they need me, even if they don't always come to me. Above all, I hope I can bless others by just living day to day with strength, courage and faith.