Prepping and (Somewhat) Planning

I just recently had my college orientation, making this already fast train (figuratively speaking) speed up another ten or so miles. In some ways, it has made my high school graduation seem like a month ago as opposed to a week. Not to say that's a bad thing; the bittersweetness of leaving has passed, allowing me to focus on work and just spending time with whomever I can.


It was both exciting and overwhelming, being on campus again. I can recall walking through the downtown area and telling my mom that I had a good feeling about this; I don't think there was ever a time where I wasn't really smiling (aside from scheduling classes).


Most of, if not both of the two days were sending my brain into information overload; the first day went from nine in the morning until eleven at night, becoming somewhat repetitious after awhile. I was rather anxious to just get my schedule figured out since classes were filling up already. In the long run, it looks to be rather beneficial; only two each day (with one on Friday) ending by at least one in the afternoon. The buildings are close to each other, and I've built enough study and relaxation time between each class. An even better perk, perhaps, is that the library (the place where I'll probably spend the majority of my time studying) is right nearby.


I left with another bag full of papers and necessary information; but quite honestly, I've never felt more excited or eager for this next part of my life. 


A good amount of people ask me if I'm nervous about going away and being on my own. There are some aspects that form knots in my stomach at times (which I'll save for a later post), but I'm just trying to take everything one day at a time. The best and most useful lesson I've learned is that when it comes to big transitions like moving to a new state and being independent, one has to go in with a blindfold on. 


And that is probably going to be the hardest part; that is, having very little to no expectations. I have an extremely active imagination that goes in a dozen different directions at once, so I can't say that I've never pictured myself doing certain things (i.e. getting coffee and working on my latest literary creation in a coffee shop, playing frisbee on the quad...that type of thing). Then again, those are realistic expectations; there's a difference between envisioning yourself drinking a cup of coffee and envisioning yourself being accepted in a sorority (that of which I am rushing, might I add). 


However, I did learn during my eighth grade and freshman year that regardless of how scary things may seem, everything works out in the end. One may not be able to control what they're handed in life, but they definitely have the power to decide how they're going to deal with it. 


I don't know what's going to happen, or when, or how for that matter. But I'm ready for whatever this new path in life may bring.

And so it ends

Some would call it the beginning of the end, others would say it was the end of the beginning. Either way, I'm graduating high school tonight and am honestly floored by the prospect of this particular event. Like so many other people in my life (mainly family members) I thought of graduation as being a day that was never going to come.


I look back on my years and marvel at how drastically different I was as a freshman; to put it bluntly, I was scared as hell coming into high school. There were a lot of painful memories that I was still trying to put behind me, but at the same time, I was still trying to hold onto those that'd I been close with in middle school. I remember how insecure and dramatic I was, both as a freshman, sophomore, and even a junior. I didn't really allow myself to be my own person, because I was so swept up in what people thought of me. 


It's obvious that everyone changes in between being a freshman and a senior; your looks change, you make and lose friends, and you learn from both good and bad experiences. But from a personal standpoint, I feel like I have truly grown up. And I believe the key thing with that was just letting go: Meaning, I was no longer going to worry about what was going to happen tomorrow or in the future. Instead of fretting over what people thought of me, I was going to keep in mind that those that matter aren't going to care if I make mistakes at times or look like a total dork at times, because that's a part of who I am. I wasn't going to become fixated on a guy, but rather take it for what it is and just let things happen as they're meant to. 


This year in particular has really changed me; I've learned the value of hard work, and that NOTHING ever gets handed to you for free (if anyone has that kind of mindset, they're in for a rude awakening). If you really want to go to college, (along with a lot of other things in life) you have to work for it. Some things you have to let happen on their own, but others you have to get off your ass and go get them yourself. 


There are certain friendships that aren't meant to last forever; people change, and for whatever reason, sometimes they stop caring altogether. When that happens, you have to learn to let them go. It's a very painful aspect, one that I had to learn repeatedly. But just because you might lose someone, doesn't mean there isn't room for new people in the future. When it all comes down to it, change is inevitable. 


I may not have had the classic, perhaps almost cliche high school experiences that many people want. But when I think about it, I probably experienced more then most people have the opportunity to do in their lifetime. 


I wouldn't look at high school as the "glory days" so to speak. In reality, one should make the most of every stage in their lives, regardless if they're fourteen or forty. And now that I think about it, I wouldn't want to have everything right here and right now, as some put it. When joy is spread out, one is less likely to take it for granted. 


So for now, I'm saying goodbye to high school, and HELLO to college!

Almost there...

I have six weeks left to go. About a month, minus the weekends.


I don't say that with sadness, nor with a "get me out of here!" kind of attitude. It's rather strange, almost foreign when I think about it; maybe because a good amount of people thought I wasn't going to make it. Not because I wasn't smart enough, but because they didn't expect me to live past infancy.


It hasn't quite hit me yet. I know it's coming up, but it just seems so out there.


Life in general has brought me a lot of joy in the last couple of weeks: my college loan was approved, I got into the dorm that I wanted (on top of that, my whole floor is English and Writing majors!) and I'm going to prom with an incredibly sweet guy. But it's not just happenings that are putting a mile-wide smile on my face.


Whenever I look in the mirror, I no longer see a girl that allowed her insecurities to get the best of her or constantly relied on other people to make her happy. Instead, I see a young woman that's allowed her experiences, both good and bad, to mold her into the person that she is; a strong, outgoing, spunky (sometimes feisty) independent woman. 


I feel really good about all of it. And not to sound full of myself, but I'm rather proud of these changes. I've come a long way, both from my younger years and the beginning of this year. 


It's fresh and inviting, this new perspective that I have. I'm not focusing on boys in particular because I want to give someone the chance to pursue me. Let me tell you, it's nice when someone in particular isn't dominating your every thought or emotion. That's not to say that I don't think about certain people, but I'm not fixated. I want to be in a relationship for the right reasons and for the both of us to truly have feelings for each other. There's a difference between liking someone for who they are, and liking someone because you like the idea of who they are. 


I'm just choosing to go with the flow. Letting go and letting God. I'm putting my thoughts into actions, but I'm not being a perfectionist about any of it.  


Ultimately, I'm in a good place at this moment. I don't have any particular plan, but sometimes you get more then you expected when you just let things happen as they're meant to happen. 

No More

I have always tended to view myself as Wonder Woman in real life; the kind of person that goes through a ton of BS and comes out smelling like a rose, having the ability to get right back up when she gets knocked down, and ultimately not needing help from anybody whatsoever. For the last six months or so, that's the way my outlook has been.


When three of my closest friends (from school) left for college last August, I was somewhat afraid, but confident at the same time in regards of having someone to fall back on. Unfortunately that relationship began to fall apart over the course of time, and by Christmas break I couldn't take it anymore. I felt the need to be alone and deal with the pain all by myself. I didn't want to become dependent on anyone to make me happy and ultimately become a band-aid. 


Along with that, I'd been told numerous times that this was the time "to start growing up and learning how to deal with things on your own" because "There are going to be people there that just aren't going to give a crap about how you feel or what you're going through." That struck a chord with me because my family was (and still is) fairly skeptical of my ability to function independently. To me, it was my way of proving that I was growing up and could live life as an adult. 


That attitude would carry over into other areas as well. It has kept me from developing close friendships with my classmates. I stopped going to youth group and most of the time have been going through the motions on Sundays during church. Whenever anyone in my family has asked, I just retort by saying that I don't want to talk about it (I will be honest though, I'm rather tired of the cynicism). My journal has been untouched for months, and I don't think I've written one poem or story that I consider deep or meaningful, lest including college essays in that category. 


When it all comes down to it, life has been very lonely up to this point. Sometimes I feel like I'm just surviving rather than living. 


But while being on break from school, it hit me that being an adult doesn't make you invincible; it doesn't make you immune to struggles or pain, and doesn't always mean that you have to deal with it all by yourself. 


As much as I try to be, I'm nowhere near Wonder Woman. 


I really do miss being close to people. I miss that sense of community and knowing that I can come to a place where I feel safe and secure. I want to be able to go to people again and talk about how I feel without apprehension or fear. Sometimes I don't always feel like talking about it, though. There are times where I just want to be held, or to be prayed for. I want to do all of that without feeling like an inconvenience. 


Deep down, I miss having faith. I remember when I was thirteen, how both God and faith were such a central part of my life. I won't deny that I've questioned my beliefs or debated right from wrong, but I'll save that for another time. Faith is freedom from worry, and unfortunately I've become a compulsive worrier. I long for the kind of peace and joy that I once felt so long ago. 


The root of all this silence is pride. I do have a habit of not asking for help when I need it, nor do I really like to. Heck, I'd rather bend over backwards and try to do it all myself rather than have someone help me do it. I'm not sure if it's because I want to prove something to people, or because I want my friends and family to be proud of me. Maybe it's both. 


But I know I can't do it on my own. In reality, no one really can. Does that mean a person has to cry wolf every time something happens? No. But that doesn't mean that have to walk all alone through the forest either.

Beauty and What It Means to Me

Beauty and the subject of it have been around since the beginning of time; but these days, it seems have to have become the epicenter of modern American culture. There isn't a magazine that hasn't covered the topic or doesn't constantly focus on it. So much in fact, that photos get constantly airbrushed and doctored as to convey the message that "beauty equals perfection"


And that, unfortunately, is a message that has carried itself over to millions of women (and even men) world-wide. I see and hear about so many teens and young women putting on nearly a pound of make-up every single day. (One girl I went to high school with  during my freshman year would apply and reapply cover-up/face powder almost hourly. Now granted, she struggled with bad acne but truth be told it wasn't really helping). The number of eating disorders are going up almost every day because they want to be stick thin; and for those who are actually comfortable with their body type, they get criticized for being supposedly fat.(I'm thinking of Jessica Simpson here, whom I think is one of the few celebrities that doesn't act completely fake). Frankly, all of it as a whole is incredibly disgusting as well as sad. 


In my own personal opinion, there are two main things when it comes to beauty. In regards to physical beauty, moderation is key. I'm all for wearing make-up, going tanning and even cosmetic surgery, but I really think it depends on how much and why. I believe that make-up should emphasize one's natural features; when I wear it, I try to stick with the shades and colors that go best with my eyes and skin tone. Just as well, I  have different looks for both day and night; in other words, I try to avoid heavy amounts of eye-shadow and eye-liner unless I'm going out and/or it's for a special occasion.


 When it comes to tanning, I don't think a little vitamin D will kill you. At the same time, skin cancer does run on my mother's side of the family, so I am careful as to how often I do tan and remembering to wear sunscreen while outside. And although I wouldn't have plastic surgery unless I felt I absolutely had to, I'm not going to judge those that do. The only thing I will say on that particular subject is that if one does decide to have it, he or she will have to live with the consequences for the rest of their lives. It's not a decision that should be taken lightly. 


Even more important than physical beauty is emotional beauty; that it shouldn't be about what you look like, but how you feel. Don't go wearing seven or eight-inch heels if you think you're going to break your neck in them (as much as they say that pain is beauty, I don't find that to be true all the time). I'm all for being attractive in what I wear, but I'm not going to wear clothing that I feel vulnerable in or ultimately sends a "come and get it" kind of message.  Girls should respect their bodies and it's good to be a little bit mysterious. And I don't like dressing up to the nines all the time; I'm not saying that people who do are bad, because it's what they're comfortable with. But I enjoy wearing just a simple tank top and sweatpants and little to no make-up because I can just chill and focus on how I feel, not what I look like


I've had my own struggles with beauty and self-esteem since I was a child: In first through fourth grade, I hated the clothes that my Mother bought me because I thought I looked ugly in them. When I got to middle school, it was frustrating because girls my age were looking and dressing like they were seventeen and eighteen years old. It until my freshman year to learn how to apply eye-shadow and eye-liner without looking like a complete mess. 


And even now in high school, I still battle my own insecurities. There was a time last year when I was insanely jealous of a few of my close friends because of how they looked. There are days where I truly wonder if I am beautiful, because I've only been told by friends, family and facebook stalkers who just want to jump my bones. I question as to whether my handicap is the reason why I have yet to be asked out on a date or asked by someone to dance. And hearing "this school needs hotter girls" doesn't help much either. 


When it all comes down to it, self-confidence and lack of it is the biggest problem. The saying that "in order for others to love you, you have to be able to love yourself first" rings completely and entirely true. But than poses another dilemma: how does one become confident in themselves without becoming full of themselves? And how does one be confident each and every day? 


It's not easy, and it's not going to get any easier. There will always be standards and ideas that society expects people to live up to. The biggest lesson I've learned is that if you're going to look, act or dress a certain way, do so because you truly feel that it's right and it's what you want. Living to please others will only give satisfaction for so long or not at all. 


We can't change the media or the way it works. The only thing we can do change the way we view ourselves and others. 


This website is amazing. Check it out for yourself

There is beauty in everything; You just have to take a step back and open your eyes

Why I blog, and other things

I first came on to the blogging scene in December of 2005. It was on another website, and my intention for it wasn't to blog, so to speak. Granted, I did post things quite often, but the majority of it was about the daily happenings in my life. That, and because it became one of those "gotta have it" things with kids my age at that time; a temporary cyber-playground that would get old once I discovered blogging possibilities on Myspace and Facebook soon after. 


I stumbled into this little place when I began following a friend's blog over the course of time; I had an urge to create one of my own, but I had so many other things to keep updating and I didn't want to add another hour to the already unnecessary hours I spend staring at the computer screen. Yet I was intrigued by the prospect of being able to write and share my thoughts without being coerced into some kind of group for specific web groups or what have you. And in a way, I missed sharing my frequent musings with people via cyberspace. 


My site name was born out of simplicity; I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to capitalize on specific notions or happenings in my life; in other words, my life doesn't constantly revolve around it. There are a vast amount of blogs out there dedicated to parenting, dating, careers, etc. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing, but it just isn't my thing. Quite frankly, I would get bored talking about the same subject whenever I came on here. I have a very diverse personality and it's difficult to describe myself in just one single sentence (although I'm sure various friends and family members will have a different answer for that).


I write about whatever is on my mind; there are currently at least ten plus different topics sitting in the crevices of my brain at this moment. The hardest part, in my opinion, is knowing which one to talk about, or even if I should. One of the topics I'm rather hesitant about sticking my toes in is politics. Despite being of legal age to vote, I can't say that I have an incredibly amount of knowledge in regards to both the Democratic and Republican parties, or what their views exactly are. I probably should start educating myself more, but the whole thing is confusing. So I choose to tread carefully with politic issues because I realize that I don't have enough information to support my view (s) all the time. I'll admit that another key factor is that I hate getting into arguments, no matter what the motivation is.


 But that's what being a writer is all about; writing what you feel and what you think, despite there being a chance that not everyone will like or agree with it. 


I hope that when people come on here, they will get something out of it; maybe a little encouragement, maybe even a little insight. I want this to be a way for people to get to know me a bit better by reading the words that   I struggle with forming in person. To some, it's a way to keep up with where I'm at in my personal journey. To others, it could be because of my writing style. Whatever it is, I hope that it has an effect of some kind. That yes, there is more to me than what meets the eye. 

Fighting Skepticism (and self-doubt)

The deal is pretty much done; I sent my housing application in awhile back, my fasfa and other forms of financial aid are being processed, and I paid my official acceptance fee just recently. Now I'm just waiting to find out when my orientation date is and I'll get my housing/roommate assignments during the summer. For the most part it's all systems go. 


I know that a lot of friends and family have been skeptical about my decision ever since I began looking at colleges. In the beginning I did focus on the smaller schools because I thought it would be easier when it comes to getting around and what not. But as time went on, I couldn't see myself truly enjoying being a student there, and they didn't have all that much to show in regards to my major. 


And when I was looking into the University that I'll be attending this coming fall, I myself was a bit weary of it. People kept telling me how big it was, that would be a ton of walking, and that I would be just a number. For awhile I put it out of my mind because of what other people were saying. Yet after visiting that particular campus last October...I just knew. My Mom even pointed out how my entire face lit up as we were touring the buildings and different parts of the school. 


Contrary to the usual assumptions, I'm not doing this because it's my mother's alma matter (she actually wasn't for it until we visited and I explained my personal reasons afterward) or because I know about four or five people that already go there. This was my decision and mine alone, and I have no qualms about it. I'm going there because it feels right to me; I'm going to get so many more opportunities that I didn't get while in a private Catholic high school, and it has an exceptional English and creative writing program. Ultimately, I need to learn how to live my own life and do my own thing. 


I know that I shouldn't have to prove anything to anyone, and that I shouldn't give a crap about their own inputs. However, I can't deny that it hurt  when I told various friends and family members as to where I'm headed. A good portion are elated and proud of me, but some have expressed their doubts and concerns. In a way, I understand it because I know they're worried and they want me to succeed. Yet it's frustrating when I tell people and they're like "you're going there? Are you sure?" It's as if being mildly handicapped and going to a Big Ten University are like trying to fit a square into a circle. My own brother repeatedly tells me that he believes I'm not going to survive there. 


I guess that's one of the major set-backs of living with any type of handicap; no matter what, there are always going to be these assumptions about what you can and can't do. That just because it may be a bit more difficult, that you should lower your standards and just settle for whatever is easiest, even though it's not what you want. Truthfully, that's the kind of stigma that I absolutely detest. 


But just because the mountain may tall and the road may be long, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't reach for the stars.


I really can't say what will come of any of it right now, being that I haven't even graduated from high school yet. I realize that I'm not going to (and I can't) know everything when I leave in August. But I think that it's part of college; doing things you've never done before and experiencing all kinds of things, both good and bad. Right now, I'm just tackling things one at a time, and I have faith that no matter what happens, I'm going to be fine.