Unavoidable Loss

Day 11-Disappointment

What did you find yourself most disappointed by? How did you handle it?

We had gone from being friends to being roommates in a little over a year. It had been an extremely rock road, but I hoped and prayed that the pavement would be a little bit smoother, and when the semester ended we'd be able to leave things on a good note. Unfortunately, that would not turn out to be the case. 

I had known for a long while that we weren't going to be the best of friends, at least not in the way we had been before we lived together. The disappointment stemmed from the constant clashing with one another. It was painfully obvious that we had different personalities and different views on life. That made it almost impossible to set boundaries, especially emotional ones. The biggest issue, as I've stated before, was communicating clearly with each other. And every time I tried to do what I thought I was right, I'd get it all thrown back in my face.

And up until I moved out, she was always one step ahead of me. 

There was days where I handled it well, and days where I did not. I clearly remember getting on the phone time and again with my Mom (and occasionally, my Dad) and yelling every curse word in the book regarding how miserable the whole thing was. I learned to make the most of the nights when I had the place to myself, but detested the awkward environment when we'd go days (at one period, close to a week) without speaking to each other. 

But that's not where the disappointment came from. You see, we had opened up to one another shortly before agreeing to get a place together. Admittedly, the first thing I thought of was being able to have a best friend, as roommates sometimes are. But I genuinely wanted to help her and be there for her. Maybe, if I was a good enough example, she could heal from her own pain. 

That bubble burst within the first month. Although it did take me a few to fully understand that you can only be so empathetic to another person's situation, and that there are definite issues that go beyond the act of sitting down and having a heart to heart. 

But I still felt like I failed; like I wasn't a good person. More so, like I wasn't a good friend. 

We hardly ever speak anymore. I forgave her a long time ago, but mostly for the sake of being able to move on with my life. I have thought about reaching out to her and mending our broken relationship, but I'm very hesitant about that right now. I don't feel that I'm in a place where I'm emotionally capable of trying to do that, particularly because I'm still in the midst of my own healing. And I want to be sure of her wanting to put effort into it as well. 

It was certainly a loss of closeness, that I know. But it was also a loss for the both of us, because no matter what either of us did, the situation never really improved. For now I thank God for the positive that came out of it, and to this day, choose not to have any regrets.