There’s a lot of talk
out there about what’s ruining relationships: some say its technology and not
knowing how to genuinely communicate. Some argue that good people no longer
exist, or at least people with grounded morals and values. And while they all
play a role in the fact that we make dating more complicated than it needs to
be, there’s an underlying issue that doesn’t seem to get discussed very much,
especially online.
A word of warning
that not everyone will agree on this; while I don’t believe that this is a
gender-specific or orientation-related matter, I can only speak from personal
experiences, and those experiences as a woman. I’m more than open to
conversation regarding other perspectives, and I invite those perspectives to
be shared at the end.
The real problem is
that we as a people have become way too self-serving and self-involved: it seems as though we fall
in love with ideas and fantasies rather than real human beings. There’s an
incredible lack of grace, and I’m not just referring to forgiveness. It’s
something that I’m still in the process of learning about, but at the bare
bones of it all, grace is the understanding (and acknowledging) that the person
standing right in front of you has limitations, and can only do or give so much. And
after coming to that realization, you still make a conscious effort to get to
know them and walk with them.
When I first started
dating (generally speaking) there was a lot of talk involving baggage. The
attitude was that the older you get the more baggage you have, and the more
baggage you have, the less you’ll be able to give to another person. That kind
of thinking is what breeds shallow articles involving checklists for who we
should be and how we should act in order to have worth.
Everyone has past
mistakes or a history that they have to live with. It’s not a question of what
or how bad, but how it’s dealt with and put into perspective. There are those
that constantly blame or hold grudges for what has happened to them, never
fully realizing that after a certain point it comes down to their own choices. In
some situations, they depend on friends or significant others to take away
their pain or replace what they’ve lost. And then there are those who live out
a different story: they acknowledge what they’ve been through, perhaps by their
own decision or at the hands of others. But they also make a point to forgive,
if only for the sake of moving forward. They view their pain as something that
can be used for good, a repurpose, as I call it. There are moments or
happenings that will always stay with them in some way, but it doesn’t
determine their dreams or their future. They’re not victims, nor do they just
survive; they rise and they go on stronger and wiser.
Having reasonable
standards and deal-breakers is healthy because it shows how we all have
individual needs, and that no relationship is one in the same. Being with a man
of faith, compassion, and willingness to be a helper is non-negotiable for me.
But there is a fine line between needs and insecurities, which seem to orbit
around conversations and articles that talk about sex. This warrants a separate
post in itself because it has a lot to do with Purity Culture, control, and
other harmful ideals that do a lot of damage. But I will say this: I’m
beginning to think it has less to do with someone else’s past and more to do
with a mindset, a matter of the heart even. Do we want somebody to love, or do
we want somebody to show off?
Baggage does not
necessarily have to be sexual or even romantic. I have battled with the notion
that having Cerebral Palsy, a difficult upbringing, and other aspects would be
considered as such, though over time I’ve learned look at it otherwise. I still
struggle with knowing when and how to talk about these things, though it has
gotten easier. I dreaded the idea of being “too much” of anything and therefore
unwanted. So much that I barely spoke of therapy or anything deep until I was
certain the other person could handle it. Little did I realize that one of them
would end up offering to go with me to a session in order for me to see that I
had nothing to be ashamed of.
And while I know now
that sharing doesn’t have to be that calculated or scary,
the anticipation is still there. I don’t have to tell my story, but I want to;
it starts to feel weird if I’ve been connecting with someone for over a year
and we haven’t touched on the Tough Stuff. It’s like there’s a barrier, and one
that doesn’t need to exist.
Today, in my dark
moments, I experience thoughts of wanting to take off and go somewhere where
nobody knows my name or what I’ve been through. I cringe at being compared to
the girl I was ten years ago to the woman I am now, only to be told that I’m
still the same person; that I haven’t grown, that I’m still difficult, and
therefore unable to be loved. It was only recently that I stopped worrying
about having a situation all figured out before saying anything. When certain
friends and I aren’t able to catch up for long stretches of time, I send them
raw and unedited writings in order to convey the nitty-gritty. As I said once
before, I can now appreciate the messy; it’s not always pretty, but it takes a
lot less energy than trying to be neat.
I’m not one to
outright depend on anybody to solve my problems; I used to believe that loving
someone meant having it all together, thinking that I was the reason certain
people walked away. Yet in the last four years I’ve seen how amazing it is to
watch someone grow and evolve, and I pray that I’ve been able to bless others
as they’ve grown with me. Note that walking together in life is not the same as
trying to “save” another, or even each other. Saving involves codependency and the desire to
be needed, and it tends to lead to exhaustion. Walking is letting each other
know that you’re there, you will support them, and you’re rooting for them.
There’s a saying that
only God can truly heal; not counselors, significant others, families, or even
friends. On the other side, God places them in our lives for a reason and uses
them to speak to us. I learned how to love myself thanks to the wisdom of some special
people, and I wouldn’t be the person that I am had I not known them.
This is not about changing
anybody’s minds, but rather about deepening a very loud conversation. Maybe it’s
time to re-think what real baggage is, or what being relationship or spousal
material genuinely means. But while we’re pondering that, let’s learn to stop
being afraid, please? There’s getting hurt, and then there’s getting hurt
knowing that you embarked on something amazing.
Just as well, know that perception does not equal reality; you should not have to make decisions entirely based on what somebody else might think. It's not easy to own your truth, your history, things that if you had the chance to re-do them, you probably would. You don't need to depend on arbitrary lists to tell you if you measure up; you're a child of God and a human being, and that's all there is to it.
Be not afraid.
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