Thankful Thursday

Recently, my group counselor told me to make a list of things that I'm grateful for; I always try to have a heart of gratitude,because no matter where God has me at in life, there is always so much to give thanks for. I will probably post this segment once a month at the least, twice at the most. This time it is just what I wrote down as a whole, but as time goes on I will get more specific. Feel free to comment and share anything that you're grateful for as well!

1.      My faith and the foundation it has in my life

2.      An amazing, supportive family and awesome, positive friends

3.      Having the ability to walk, run, and be independent

4.      Creative expression; expressing myself through words and writing

5.      Attending the University that I go to

6.      Having my own apartment that I can wake up in and come home to

7.      Drinking a delicious cup of coffee in the morning (or any time of the day)

8.      My past experiences and the ways that I’ve grown because of them

9.      Disney movies

10.   Hugs

11.   Laughter

12.   Deep conversations; being open and vulnerable with people

13.   Spending time with my crazy, rambunctious family

14.   Dancing

15.   Cozy movie nights

16.   Random acts of kindness

17.   Dancing

18.   Music; specifically country, pop, and rock

19.   Nature: anywhere with a beach or a mountain area, watch the sun rise/set

20.   Wine

21.   Chocolate

22.   Those that protect and serve our country

23.   Grandparents

24.   Having get-togethers

25.   My pets, and the unconditional love that they give

26.   Getting older

27.   Truth and honesty, in the right context and for the right reasons

28.   When someone smiles and waves at me as we walk past each other

29.   Books and the ability to read

30.   Special moments that you don’t plan or expect

31.   Random, fun adventures

32.   Technology (sometimes)

33.   Writing letters

FFebruary has been such a whirlwind, although I've learned a lot and my perspective was changed on a lot of things. What are you grateful for this month?

Changing My Tune...Slowly

I originally penned this to not be about me, personally; it was during a free-write to music and the instructor had projected a picture up on the wall, one of a woman standing in the middle of what appeared to be the desert. She was facing some kind of black monster and it seemed like everything was stacked against her.

I wrote the first couple of stanzas and felt content with just leaving the poem the way that it was. Then I looked back at the title and thought to myself, what if I don't want to be strong all of the time? What if I just want to be held and be allowed to cry ugly, gut-wrenching tears if that's how I feel? 

As sad as this is, sometimes I feel like I always have to be happy, or strong, or act in a positive manner in order for people to care. I will go into that at a later time, but here is the poem: 

The Song of The Strong

Let the wind cut at my face like sharpened knives

Desert sand stinging innocent eyes

Rain falls, light flashes

Skin caked with dust and ashes

Let the tears swim with salt and sweat

Knees knocking, fists clenching

The battle of life rages on

And here plays the song of the strong

Yet comes a point where strength alone is not enough

She yearns for arms to enfold around her

For eyes to understand

For ears to hear that she is tired of trying so hard

A heart to connect with hers

There is a time to weep, but when?

There is a time to dance, but when?

Does love only encompass that of happy things?

Or isn’t it unconditional acceptance of all sides of a person?

She has nothing to prove, but feels it so

Yet the beat is slowing, the song is changing

She walks like a warrior, but is not afraid to stop and rest

Allowing those to walk beside her

And tell her firmly “you will not do this alone”

Living Legal

 My birthday was as wonderful and amazing as it could have been, and I felt so blessed to share the celebration with my closest friends and family. This may have been more relevant to write about immediately after I turned twenty-one; looking back, however, it was the simple kick-start to the emotional growth spurt that I've gone through in the time between then and now. I have experienced and learned so much in three weeks, and I haven't felt this good, more specifically, this free, in a very long time. 

I was told that I wouldn't feel that much older afterward, which was true. On the other hand, it was though my confidence level spiked tremendously; I have no problem asking people if they want to get together for drinks later or over the weekend, rather than beating around the bush about going out between seven and ten o'clock (if you're underage, that's when people usually hit up the bar scene, and most of your options are limited to the crazy nightclubs). It's perfectly normal to casually go out for dinner and a cocktail after I get out of class on a Thursday night. There's no longer an age separation between my friends and I, so that opens up new doors for all of us. 

When you're not limited, you'd be surprised at what you can discover; whether that involve new things to try, or even just about yourself. 

There was a time where I overdid it, to the point of physical sickness and exhaustion.  It kind of felt like freshman year all over again, where everything is so new and you don't know what to do with the majority of it. I was caught between being a kid in a candy store and a tiger that had just been let out after being locked up in a cage for so long. 

Yet, emotions also played a role; I was on this type of high that I tend to get during my birthday, and I was determined to keep that going. I constantly wanted to be on-the-go, with my friends, and afterward be able to say that it was one of the best nights/experiences of my life. 

Unfortunately, that attitude did not serve me well. In turn, my anxiety levels sky-rocketed and my already active imagination went into overdrive. I feared being forgotten about and/or abandoned, so I frequently texted people about what were doing, never failing to include a "make sure you..." type of disclaimer. My insecurities were out in full force. 

Which led me to the decision to cut an incredibly dear but dysfunctional relationship out of my life,  one where a lot of my fears and insecurities stemmed from. It was a Saturday and my immune system was running on empty due to lack of sleep and not really taking care of myself. As I was basically turning my stomach inside out in the bathroom, I vividly remember hearing a voice say to me "If you want to have real love in your life, you have got to let him go." It may have been God, or my own conscience surrendering to the fact that my continuing to try and hold onto this person was getting in the way of being completely in the present. Either way, it was time. 

And while it was bittersweet, it has given me a lot of clarity in terms of what kind of people I want to have in my life, along with what I'm able to give and take. Call me fortunate to be understanding of this lesson at my age,  but I don't want relationships where I'm constantly digging for some indication that a person is worth keeping around. In other words, stop clinging to the hope that one day he/she will get themselves together and start treating you with love and respect afterward. Let those people go and give thanks for those that are already doing that.

This had led me to practice being more patient, and cherishing the time that I do get to spend with those that matter to me. I can either work myself up and worry about running out of time, or accept the simple reality that sometimes things happen. I can try to plan or predict my future, or take my present circumstances at face value and just go with it. 

Being legal is so much more than just going out late at night or having the ability to buy alcohol on my own. There are times to have fun, and then there are times where a line must be drawn and boundaries must be set. I have gained an incredible perspective, and while I don't know what exactly is next for me, I'm learning to trust that God will put me exactly where He wants me to be. 

Sometimes having faith is better than having a plan, because at this moment all I'm meant to know is that I'm moving in one direction: forward.

And Now I Let Go

I wrote this poem in response to a decision I made over the course of last weekend. I have written about him before, so some may know who I am talking about, while others may not. I had a bit of a Taylor Swift angst moment while I was writing this, but it was not easy to describe the torment I felt while writing. Since the semester started, I have prayed on numerous occasions in regards to where God is leading me in this particular relationship, and I knew that I wasn't going to have any peace or be able to move forward unless I drew a bold and firm line. He meant the world to me, and a part of me will always love him, but it's time. I just can't hold on anymore.

Revolve

You’ve come through my heart so many times

Long ago I lost track

You told me that you loved me and you’d always be there

Somehow or some way,  you’d take it back

I forgave you once, forgave you again

Believing you’d someday turn around

I kept hoping and wishing while you just kept hitting

It started to bury me into the ground

Now I won’t say that I hate you

Yet I’m tired of crying all the time

I ask and I wait and you don’t show up

So what am I supposed to do now?

Say God doesn’t give you anything that you can’t take

But this isn’t working anymore

I’m going to gather my strength

I’m going to get myself together

And walk out that revolving door

This has little to do with what I deserve

And more about what I need

Someone that will follow through with he says he’ll do

Be an adult and own his mistakes

Encourages me to be better person and a light in my life

The hardest part isn’t avoiding conversation

Or letting you go all together

The pain of it all is no matter what I do

I’ll always care for you

But just because I care doesn’t mean that it’s right

Time to close the door and say goodbye

Stream of Consciousness

I have to leave for class in a little bit. Thankfully, I'm not as tired (well, more like exhausted) as I was a couple of days ago. It's amazing how productive I can be when both my mind and body aren't begging for a decent night of sleep.

 I'm now just easing out of the whirlwind which was these last two weeks. So much has happened, both in terms of events and emotions that it is still taking some time for my head to stop wobbling and to put my priorities back in order. There are so many things that I want to write about, from the perks and cautionary tales of being twenty-one to my whole view on Beyonce and the Superbowl. Yes it might be a little bit late to add my bit into the discussion about certain topics, but I've been so busy with school work that it was hard to find time to write about them; especially when those thoughts tend to be lengthy at most. However, I'm looking forward to being able to articulate all of it as time goes on.

If I'm being honest though, it did leave me with a "where do I go from here?" feeling. Not that I don't have anything to look forward to, but I'm not entirely sure what's going to come next, either. 

But maybe that's a good thing, because I'm not putting my hope in what isn't guaranteed to happen. Sometimes it's better to have faith than to have a plan. And almost always, it's better to have faith in God than in your circumstances 

Again, I will elaborate more on these subjects as time goes on. I just wanted to let everyone know that I haven't disappeared. Thanks for reading!