Clarification (And Clarity)

Lately, I've been experiencing a lot of ups and downs. 


But I'm happy


I've been struggling with certain things and most of the time I never know how to talk about them or who to talk to about them.  


But I'm happy. 


This semester has been tougher than last; tougher in the sense that there is more work to do, the newness of everything has sort of worn off, and occasional bouts of drama have arisen. 


Despite all that, I'm happy, and I still maintain my view that this has been one of the best things to happen to me in the last four or five years. 


I was reading an article in People Magazine with Jennifer Aniston on the front cover; she was doing an interview and even though it's been six years, she was still being asked about the whole Angelina/Brad scandal; along with that, whether or not she was happy with where she was currently asked in her life. 


somewhere in the interview, she quoted a phrase that really kind of struck me; she said "I don't believe anyone that says they're happy all the time. You have to have a little bit of both light and dark."


I have never really thought of it that way, at least until now. I've been told repeatedly that it's impossible to be genuinely happy every single day, but I can't say that it has ever really made sense to me until now. Maybe because it's coming from the Hollywood-dubbed postergirl of heartbreak and supposedly being unlucky in love? Or maybe it's just because I'm older and am now hearing it from a different perspective. 


Nonetheless, I've been coming to a few different conclusions over the past week: that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, because even the most confident people have their own insecurities; they're just good at hiding them from others. If I'm confiding in someone about an issue and they look at me like I'm absolutely crazy, than either I've been talking to the wrong person or they probably shouldn't be in my life. And as harsh as that may sound, I've learned that if you're baring your soul to someone and they're going to do/say everything without any kind of love or understanding, then what's the point? That's what people who truly love you (and vice versa) are supposed to do. 


Also, it's perfectly fine not to have this whole college thing down to a science, because chances are, no one does. Every single one of us is on a different journey and will have different experiences; in hindsight, we're all making mistakes and learning new things. 


All of that aside, I'd say that I'm pretty blessed to be where I'm at right now; I have a wonderful family that loves me and supports me in everything I do, a ton of friends (both new and old) that I cherish, and many other little things. 


I've ultimately learned that the tough times are what make you stronger; and even though I have walked through a few rainclouds thus far, I feel like I'm getting stronger every day because of it. 


And that my friends, is what life is all about.  

Stream of Consciousness #7

For the sake of forewarning, I will say that this post is somewhat more raw and honest than usual.


These days I've taken to viewing my life as something that's similar to the gigantic backpack that I carry about campus every day: rather heavy and very much filled to it's capacity most of the time. Not that I'm saying that either or both suck, because they're actually helping become more resilient and a lot more tolerant, in a sense. However, it has certainly taken plenty of getting used to, and can be overwhelming at times. This is especially true when it comes to homework and studying (cue the "welcome to the English major" or "welcome to college" retort).


I've noticed my self-esteem going up and down quite a bit; and from that, I often become frustrated with myself. I talk so much about having confidence and not being able to accomplish very much without it, yet there are days where I feel so incredibly small, compared to the rest of the world. What exactly is so hard about approaching someone, especially if you enjoy talking to them? What is so hard about taking a friend aside and being honest with them about something that they're doing? (or maybe not doing) And most importantly, what is so hard about opening up to someone- anyone- about how you really feel?


Deep down, I understand that I haven't any sort of logical reason to be afraid; chances are, I am over-analyzing and over-thinking certain matters. At the same time, I am afraid; afraid of pouring my heart out to someone, only for he or she to react negatively to it. I'm afraid of allowing myself to vulnerable and allowing a person to truly get to know me, only to have them take advantage of me at some point. That has happened a couple of times, and in turn has made me rather wary; especially when it comes to guys. 


But I miss connecting with others; as of right now, I don't think that there is one person at my school right now who knows almost everything about me. And of course I don't want them to know every single little detail, but certainly well enough to see past the surface. 


I understand that relationships do take time to foster and grow; but it's having the opportunity. Obviously, not every conversation is going to be deep and/or meaningful; I just hate having barriers. I want the freedom of being able to approach someone and say "I need to talk" without the fear of judgement or ridicule. 


On the other side of it all, there has been a lot of reminding; that is, reminding myself that we all have up and down days and cannot be happy all the time. In order for a seed to bloom (I would say flower but that sounds rather weird), you have to have a little rain as well as sunshine; you just can't let yourself get soaked in it. 


And you can only do so much on your own; Despite that I have learned this lesson many times before, there will come a point where you have to tell somebody what's going on. I pride myself in being a strong an independent woman and I don't like the idea of having to constantly lean on someone. But that is what family and friends are for; to love and support and be there when we need them to be, as well as when they genuinely want to be. 


Most importantly, I have to remind myself not to let the tough stuff rob me of the joys that I am otherwise experiencing right now. To just put one foot in front of the other and to allow things to happen as they should. 


To understand that no one really has this whole college thing completely figured out, and that part of the journey is making mistakes and learning from them. 


To stop worrying and allow yourself to live.

Limitations...?

"You have limitations" 

I was verbally and constantly reminded of this during my first semester; it was an incredibly frustrating thing to hear, given that college itself was supposedly beyond my limits. What was with people and trying to keep me inside this imaginary box-like area that I felt as though I had been in all of my life? Wasn't the point of going away to school to get away from that?

These days the comments have stopped, for the most part; I'm sure that a lot of people still worry about me, but I think they realize that once I decide to do something, there really is no way of talking me out of it. 

Yet, reality has come back to bite me where it hurts on more than one occasion; getting physically sick because I stayed up until three in the morning multiple nights in a row, feeling pain in my right leg at times from putting too much weight on it, and having back aches every once in awhile because I tend to a carry a very large and often heavy backpack. There are times where at the end of the day, all I can think about is the moment where I'm able to crawl into bed and get some shut eye. 

Logically, it would make sense for me to go to bed earlier and/or not go out on the weekends, carry fewer books or ditch the back pack all tgoether. For the longest time, I was stubborn and refused to do that even to the slightest degree. 

Due to what I have and the way I live my daily life, many people that don't know me real well probably expect me to turn around and go the other direction once I come across a roadblock; but that usually isn't what happens. I tend to do whatever it takes to get past it-under, over, around, through, etc. Even so at the point of burning myself out. 


At the same time, going outside my comfort zone or "that little boxed area" has allowed me to discover new things about myself and have confidence in my abilities.

Yes, I am primarily going to college to get an education, but that is not the only thing. Medically-speaking, I will have a mild handicap for the rest of my life; however, that does not mean that I cannot get stronger. So that is my other goal, albeit one that I rarely speak of. It's why I work out, willingly forgo the bus and walk to my classes, and do a lot of things that make people look at me and go "you're one crazy girl!"

I am doing so not for the sake of cure, since I do not have a disease. But rather, I am doing such to overcome. 

On the other side of things, particularly this semester, I've realized that goal will not be reached if my health is compromised. I allow myself to take brief naps during the daytime, because going to bed before eleven o'clock just doesn't happen at this stage of life. On the weekends, I usually go out one night and stay in the next, or vice versa. Depending on how crazy the week is, sometimes I'll stay in for the entire weekend. It's all based on how I feel. 

In retrospect, everyone has limitations; if one bends over too far backwards, they will reach a point where they eventually break. 

It's important to be honest about what you want, but it's also important to be honest about what you need as well.

Not Your Usual V-Day Post

Last night we had a "cheesy love poem" poetry reading for my floor; and instead of writing about my usual thoughts pertaining to love and romance, I thought I would share what I read last night. I was debating on doing an entire blog post about this, but than I decided it would sound better when written as a poem. It doesn't necessarily have to do with Valentine's Day, per say, but it very much involves romance and a dream that I've had for a very long time.

That Yellow Dress

Sunshine-bright and satin-like

That yellow dress it was

A princess type that I envisioned to be

To wear it on a late spring evening

The night of my junior prom

Peace and serenity I feigned

When trying to find a date

There was only one man’s hand I wanted to hold

Yet out of fear, I asked too late

And so I went with positivity

My dream currently set aside

A lone princess dancing carefree

Twirling with laughter

Yet there was no denying the absence of joy from my eyes

That yellow dress, a princess dress

Tucked away for two years in a deep sleep

Still my wish to have that dance, I longingly so keep

Perhaps someday, I wonder when

A man will take me in his arms

Whether it be beneath the moonlit sky or disco lights

I’ll be wearing that yellow dress again

Stream of Consciousness #6

I apologize for the irregularity of posting; I had quite a busy weekend and by Monday I physically crashed; and by that I mean I actually got sick. Much of the past three days have been spent on schoolwork and trying to get my immune system back up to par. But our bodies are like batteries; and I've learned that you can't charge a battery and constantly be using it at the same time. In other words, trying to recuperate on a weekday doesn't usually work, because you're still doing things and not giving yourself time to relax.


It's been a rather stressful time, all things considered. I've woken up every morning this week and have felt some sort of bitterness, often toward the weather (I really hate these below zero temperatures, and one can only walk around in layered clothing for so many months before it gets old). and the general feeling of fatigue (is there anyone in college that does not wake up feeling tired and/or does not feel tired by the end of the day? If so, please teach me your ways). There are also friendships in my life that have somewhat been in limbo; one day they're kind to you and the next they act like they barely know you. 


Letting go is one of those things that I've never been particularly good at, especially in regards to people. But I've come to learn that despite how hard it is, one does eventually get used to it. Right now I'm just at point with a situation that I've been dealing with since October or November; there are only so many battles you can fight before it becomes too much. Deep down I think I've always known what needed to be done, yet I wasn't sure how to go about it exactly. 


Gosh, I hate feeling so down and out; I understand that everyone has to deal with pain at times, but its rather annoying when you're trying to pull yourself out of it and for some reason it just keeps yanking you back down. I've come to believe that any type of pain should ultimately make you stronger, not bitter.


What's really getting me down is the fact that I haven't had a hug in a very long time. Does that sound odd? probably to someone that isn't touchy-feely like I am. Sound even more odd? Go read Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages,then you'll understand what I'm talking about. 


I'm not talking about those five second hugs you give or receive when you're meeting them for lunch; I'm referring to actually having someone hold me. I don't know how long it's been since that has happened. Someone once told me awhile back that you don't have anyone there to hold you when you need it. I honestly think that's complete crap, by the way. But that hasn't still made me shy of asking anyone to do it. 


I don't want to come across as needy or childish, but I desperately miss having someone's arms around me. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with safety or security, but rather something that I've been used to all of my life. It's comforting; that has become especially true when I go through rough patches, as I mentioned above.


Sometimes, I don't want to re-hash the situation or try to sort through my emotions. I just want someone to hold me for a little while. 


For now, I'm just going to go take a nap.

When You Fall

Based on evidence of faded stitch scars, scraped elbows and mildly calloused hands, I guess one can say that I fall pretty frequently. Sometimes I trip, whether it be over my own feet (yeah, it happens) or something on the sidewalk. Other times I lose my balance or run so quickly across the street to the point where I can no longer control my legs.


Despite the slight amount of blood and/or the stinging pain on whatever body part is injured at the moment, I have simply learned to stand up as fast as my strength allows and keep going onward. I normally don't stop to answer bystander's questions or even acknowledge what happened. I just keep going. And in the past six or seven years, it has become almost pure instinct.


And it makes me wonder as to why on earth it can be pure physical instinct, but not pure emotional instinct.


In other words, why is it easy for me to get up off the sidewalk, but difficult to climb out of emotional pitfalls?


Last weekend, I decided to take another shot at something I had tried this past August/September. Initially, I was incredibly nervous, but felt more confident as the night went on; I looked good and felt like everything was going well. I had to have some sort of chance at this, right?


I received a call later on saying that I could not be placed anywhere due to my current GPA (or at least where my GPA stood at the end of the first semester). I took the news as calmly as I possibly could in front of my friends, but inside felt like an erupting valcano. Here I had gone through the process for a second time, only to have it be all for nothing?!


It wasn't as much wanting to go back and change the past as it was wondering where exactly I would go from that point on. 


And it definitely wasn't the first time I'd been "kicked down" so to speak, in college. As much I wish it was, it probably won't be the last time either. 


The comforting thing is knowing that everybody goes through it; we all may have different experiences, but we all essentially feel the same things when it happens. You feel like you're not good enough and that in a sense, you probably don't deserve what you were pursuing. You feel like you could have tried harder or done something more to make it happen. You once felt like you could take on the world but not find yourself nearly being squashed by it. 


When I first began to write this, I never understood why it was so easy to do one thing and not the other. But I've realized in regards to physical vs. emotional pain, the physical tends to fade faster than the emotional. Why? because we have the memories. 


But that doesn't mean that one should sit there and brood over it; at one point or another, you have to go on with life. 


I've learned that sometimes it's good not to necessarily have a plan; to take it day by day and be open to whatever opportunity comes next. You experience more growth and maturity when you're not constantly trying to force things to fit together in a certain way. 


The biggest lesson? That obstacles don't come about just to keep you from something; they're there to help you determine just how badly you want it, and whether or not you'll do whatever it takes to get around it. 

Stream of Consciousness #5

Classes were cancelled today, thank goodness!! Yesterday marked my nineteenth year of life, as well as one of the biggest and most dangerous snowstorms that the midwest has experienced in the last couple of years or so. Mom and Dad braved the mayhem and drove up to see me for the day. We had lunch at one of the downtown eateries and than did some grocery shopping before opening presents in my dorm room. Unfortunately my friends and I had to bypass eating out due to the weather, but that's in the process of being rescheduled. 


Up until yesterday, I confess that I've felt pretty down and out as of late. A lot of it had to do with this past weekend and what happened (or didn't happen) from Friday to Sunday. I knew that with all things considered, I had no one to really blame but myself; my grades for last semester just weren't good enough. Nevertheless, going through that kind of rejection once again wasn't easy. 


It wasn't so much about getting in than it was wondering to myself, "where do I go from here? What do I have to look forward to now that it's all said and done?" 


I wanted to talk to someone about it; but as it usually goes with me, most of the time I have no idea how to bring it up. And what was the point of bringing it up if there was absolutely nothing I could do about it?


At least that's how I was feeling until yesterday. 


I didn't really view turning nineteen as something that would be all that special; you aren't really given any sort of new privileges nor is it seen as typical "milestone" age. But it was special in a not-so-typical way. 


My parents drove a hundred plus miles in a severe and dangerous snowstorm just to be with me on my birthday. After lunch we decided to do a little grocery shopping and while running through the wind and the snow my Mom is yelling "Alyx, I love you!" repeatedly. (She was more or less trying to remind herself why she did this when everyone else back home told her that she was crazy). Meanwhile, I'm laughing hysterically as usual. 
After dinner I was studying for a little bit and happened to run into a friend that I hadn't talked to in awhile; it was nice catching up despite that I had made very little progress with actually studying. And it's even more nice when someone is willing to let you hug them for no particular reason, even though at that point I really did need a hug. 


Back at the dorm, we celebrated with eating cupcakes in the middle of the hallway, taking random pictures and just goofing around. There was a moment where I thought to myself, "Look around you and what you've been given. You may not have certain things right now, but what you do have is incredibly special. Cherish what's right in front of you and take the rest as it comes." 


To cap the night off, a bunch of us went out and had a spontaneous romp in a record-breaking blizzard. A bit insane? Yes. But that's what college is: a bunch of things that you probably shouldn't do, yet you do anyway. 


It was definitely a birthday to remember.