I've always remembered to count my blessings on thanksgiving, but they have always seem so standard: "I am thankful for my family, friends, home, church, etc." Those words always felt so dry in my mouth, as though deep down I felt like I didn't really mean them.
Well, this year is different...very different.
This year, or shall I say this time in my life, I feel like I've been able to take a look around me and really be grateful for what I've been given and what I've been able to do. I believe the key thing with that is not rushing through anything; when I was younger, every stage and chapter in my life was always a means to an end. I was always telling myself "just get through this, and everything will be better afterward." There was always a bypassing of what I had at that moment, and instead looking ahead to the future.
But right now, I don't want to do that. I have so much right here in front of me, and I want to enjoy every moment that I have of it. This I believe, is a time in my life where I'll one day look back and say "yeah, that really was good!"
Even though it's almost the end of the semester, I still wake up and marvel at how far I've come; that I'm actually in college and pursuing many of the dreams that I've had since I was a child. I'm thankful for the friends that I've made so far, the things that I've been able to do, and the lessons and maturity that I've gained from all of it.
And because of the maturity, I have had a new appreciation for my family; a lot of times I'm often closed off and hostile toward them, because I tend to think that they'll never really be able to understand how I live my life and what I've had to go through to do so. Over the course of time though, I've seen that they all just want me to be happy. My Mother especially has been my biggest champion, despite my not taking notice of it until now. Family itself has become essential to me, and I don't plan on taking any of that for granted.
Most importantly, I am thankful to God; the one who has given all of this to me, and can just as easily take it away. Admittedly, I have put my faith on the back-burner for quite sometime. That in itself is another topic to write about later on, but I know that I must never forget where all these wonderful blessings are coming from!
So wherever you are, whoever you're with, and whatever you might be doing- take a minute today and just say "Thank You!"
November 25, 2010
November 23, 2010
Part 2
I was reading over my previous post, and I realized that I may have come off as a bit of a know-it-all when it comes to men and relationships. In all sincerity, that was not my intention at all; and I probably only know a tiny fraction of what there is to know about that kind of stuff. But I wanted to clarify (and perhaps apologize) to those that might have been slightly offended by what I said. I was not trying to tell anyone what to do, but to simply state my opinion in regards to how I feel about those particular aspects.
Truthfully, doing a lot of thinking about love and relationships, and how those two things together have affected my life thus far. And not only that, but I asked myself, just what do you truly want in a man? What do you want to get out a relationship with someone? What do you want to give to that person that you're in a relationship with?
When it all comes down to it, I just want a guy that is able to understand me and fully accept me for the person that I am. A guy that will communicate with me and not be afraid to tell me how he feels, whether it be good or bad. But most importantly, a guy that will take his time with me and whatever we might have in the future. That's when I believe real love can happen; when two people give it time and don't rush into anything
I know that being with someone isn't a fairytale, or that all your problems will be solved. I've never envisioned it to be all the cliches that it's often portrayed as. Truthfully, I don't really want something out of a movie or a book, but to be unique and all our own. Forget dinner and a movie; I want to be doing something where I can laugh and be my sweet, bubbly self. Don't give me things or do stuff for me if you think that I just expect them; be honest and sincere.
The most frustrating part is feeling like there are so many loopholes to get through; It's like looking at a perfectly straight line and then realizing that there are all these criss-crossed laser beams to avoid. In reality it's probably quite simple. We as a culture just tend to make it more complicated then it needs to be.
For now, I'm focusing on myself and just meeting people. I need to be able to get to know someone without constantly living in fear of them leaving or hurting me. I need to take chances without constantly going over the what-if's. I need to leave the past where it is and keep moving forward.
Truthfully, doing a lot of thinking about love and relationships, and how those two things together have affected my life thus far. And not only that, but I asked myself, just what do you truly want in a man? What do you want to get out a relationship with someone? What do you want to give to that person that you're in a relationship with?
When it all comes down to it, I just want a guy that is able to understand me and fully accept me for the person that I am. A guy that will communicate with me and not be afraid to tell me how he feels, whether it be good or bad. But most importantly, a guy that will take his time with me and whatever we might have in the future. That's when I believe real love can happen; when two people give it time and don't rush into anything
I know that being with someone isn't a fairytale, or that all your problems will be solved. I've never envisioned it to be all the cliches that it's often portrayed as. Truthfully, I don't really want something out of a movie or a book, but to be unique and all our own. Forget dinner and a movie; I want to be doing something where I can laugh and be my sweet, bubbly self. Don't give me things or do stuff for me if you think that I just expect them; be honest and sincere.
The most frustrating part is feeling like there are so many loopholes to get through; It's like looking at a perfectly straight line and then realizing that there are all these criss-crossed laser beams to avoid. In reality it's probably quite simple. We as a culture just tend to make it more complicated then it needs to be.
For now, I'm focusing on myself and just meeting people. I need to be able to get to know someone without constantly living in fear of them leaving or hurting me. I need to take chances without constantly going over the what-if's. I need to leave the past where it is and keep moving forward.
November 21, 2010
I Just Don't Get It
I was warned a few weeks before I left that first year/freshman college guys weren't really anything special; a lot of them are just out to get laid and don't want anything to get serious right away. I understood that, because when you're in a new place you don't want to necessarily focus on one thing, but be able to explore your options.
But on the other hand, all I keep hearing is how terrible guys are, or simply "they just suck!" Heck, I have friends that are considering becoming lesbians because they think relationships are easier that way (not sure if they're being serious or not, and I can't say whether or not there's any truth to that).
In the midst of all that, sometimes I would just like to scream "what in the world is with all this negativity?!?"
Up until a month ago, I could never quite grasp just how different the dating scene is around here. It's true that the quality may not really change (at least not at first), but the way of going about relationships does. Over time I've realized that you really should take into consideration the beliefs and values that a person has, the qualities that a person has (i.e. kindness doesn't always mean that they'll be a good boyfriend/girlfriend), and whether or not there is even a connection to be shared.
And perhaps the most important? That you have to set boundaries for yourself.
I've never been an official relationship before, so it might seem strange to some as to how I'm actually coming up with all of this. But I have had a lot of guys in my life; and although none of them ever became more, we did grow very close. I've observed what not to do through the relationships that my friends have had as well as lost. I've been given numerous pieces of advice from friends and family members that I am now just starting to take to heart.
So far, the biggest conclusion that I've come to is the reason why I never really dated anyone in high school: I always beat myself up whenever something didn't work out because I believed it was my fault. Had I gone about certain things differently, then maybe it would have worked out.
However, it dawned on me just recently that it wasn't about me. They liked me and cared for me; they just didn't understand me or the way I tend to view certain aspects of life. Essentially, they didn't know how to love me the way I wanted to be loved. The way I deserve to be loved.
I probably sound a little full of myself when I say that, but I personally believe that there's some truth to it. When you're in a certain age range, you can only grasp so much about relationships and loving another person. I'm not sure how to fully explain it, but lets just say that one's perspective might be somewhat limited.
The one thing that perplexes me the most is the whole concept of hooking up. Now let me just say that I'm not judging anyone in particular, as well as people that do it in general. I know that I don't like people telling me how to live my life, so I certainly won't go preaching to other people about what they should or shouldn't be doing with theirs. But I've taken a lot of time to be honest with myself, and I know now that I'm not very comfortable with that at all. Yes, I did consider it when I first got to campus; I was in a new place and at times it felt like the skies were the limit. I was just willing to have fun and see where it went afterward.
Yet, I could not ignore the confusion or the questions that I felt myself asking: is there another girl? does he actually care for me? Could this go somewhere if we actually allowed it to?
Truth is, I don't think I could handle it, even if we both agreed that it was just a one-time thing. I'm a very emotional personal, and having a physical connection with someone without any meaning would most likely eat away at me for a long time. I haven't had my first kiss yet, and I would prefer it to be with someone that I truly cared for and vice versa. I don't want to waste it on someone that doesn't feel the same way that I do.
When it all comes down to it, I can't share my body without sharing my heart. And if I can't do that, well then it just won't work.
The way I see it, it's like a microwave meal vs. something that's home cooked. When you make one of those boxed-up frozen dinners, you only have to cook it for five minutes and most, eat it quickly and then you're done. When you have something that's home-cooked, it takes a lot of preparation and time to get it ready; sometimes it has to sit for a few hours and then cook for a few more. But even though it takes awhile, it's delicious when you sit down and actually take the time to enjoy it. And in most cases, you're not hungry for more afterward.
Thats how I kind of view relationships these days, or real ones that is: they a lot of time, a lot of patience and a lot of effort. Pardon me for being crass, but I don't want the packaged, processed, get-it-quick-and-go bullshit. I want the real thing, dammit! Just because plenty of other people are doing something doesn't mean that I have to.
However, I do realize that I have to be realistic: love isn't all what it's portrayed to be, to put it simply.
But really, I don't want a love like the movies or a certain specific couple. I want something that the two of us can have all our own.
And I don't believe in prince charming, but I do believe that if you really take the time to get to know someone, you can find a little bit of that in every guy.
And despite what people say about true love being dead...I can't say that I believe that either. Love, in essence, will pop up when you least expect it. It will take you by surprise and maybe even take you on the ride of your life.
What I've said in this post might have seemed a little too honest. Some people might be reading this and wondering what in the world is wrong with me, saying things like that. But I'm tired of hiding...whether people lose or gain respect for me after reading this, then so be it. This is just me being who I am. And if there's one way you could lose out on a fully-lived life, it's by not being exactly who you are.
But on the other hand, all I keep hearing is how terrible guys are, or simply "they just suck!" Heck, I have friends that are considering becoming lesbians because they think relationships are easier that way (not sure if they're being serious or not, and I can't say whether or not there's any truth to that).
In the midst of all that, sometimes I would just like to scream "what in the world is with all this negativity?!?"
Up until a month ago, I could never quite grasp just how different the dating scene is around here. It's true that the quality may not really change (at least not at first), but the way of going about relationships does. Over time I've realized that you really should take into consideration the beliefs and values that a person has, the qualities that a person has (i.e. kindness doesn't always mean that they'll be a good boyfriend/girlfriend), and whether or not there is even a connection to be shared.
And perhaps the most important? That you have to set boundaries for yourself.
I've never been an official relationship before, so it might seem strange to some as to how I'm actually coming up with all of this. But I have had a lot of guys in my life; and although none of them ever became more, we did grow very close. I've observed what not to do through the relationships that my friends have had as well as lost. I've been given numerous pieces of advice from friends and family members that I am now just starting to take to heart.
So far, the biggest conclusion that I've come to is the reason why I never really dated anyone in high school: I always beat myself up whenever something didn't work out because I believed it was my fault. Had I gone about certain things differently, then maybe it would have worked out.
However, it dawned on me just recently that it wasn't about me. They liked me and cared for me; they just didn't understand me or the way I tend to view certain aspects of life. Essentially, they didn't know how to love me the way I wanted to be loved. The way I deserve to be loved.
I probably sound a little full of myself when I say that, but I personally believe that there's some truth to it. When you're in a certain age range, you can only grasp so much about relationships and loving another person. I'm not sure how to fully explain it, but lets just say that one's perspective might be somewhat limited.
The one thing that perplexes me the most is the whole concept of hooking up. Now let me just say that I'm not judging anyone in particular, as well as people that do it in general. I know that I don't like people telling me how to live my life, so I certainly won't go preaching to other people about what they should or shouldn't be doing with theirs. But I've taken a lot of time to be honest with myself, and I know now that I'm not very comfortable with that at all. Yes, I did consider it when I first got to campus; I was in a new place and at times it felt like the skies were the limit. I was just willing to have fun and see where it went afterward.
Yet, I could not ignore the confusion or the questions that I felt myself asking: is there another girl? does he actually care for me? Could this go somewhere if we actually allowed it to?
Truth is, I don't think I could handle it, even if we both agreed that it was just a one-time thing. I'm a very emotional personal, and having a physical connection with someone without any meaning would most likely eat away at me for a long time. I haven't had my first kiss yet, and I would prefer it to be with someone that I truly cared for and vice versa. I don't want to waste it on someone that doesn't feel the same way that I do.
When it all comes down to it, I can't share my body without sharing my heart. And if I can't do that, well then it just won't work.
The way I see it, it's like a microwave meal vs. something that's home cooked. When you make one of those boxed-up frozen dinners, you only have to cook it for five minutes and most, eat it quickly and then you're done. When you have something that's home-cooked, it takes a lot of preparation and time to get it ready; sometimes it has to sit for a few hours and then cook for a few more. But even though it takes awhile, it's delicious when you sit down and actually take the time to enjoy it. And in most cases, you're not hungry for more afterward.
Thats how I kind of view relationships these days, or real ones that is: they a lot of time, a lot of patience and a lot of effort. Pardon me for being crass, but I don't want the packaged, processed, get-it-quick-and-go bullshit. I want the real thing, dammit! Just because plenty of other people are doing something doesn't mean that I have to.
However, I do realize that I have to be realistic: love isn't all what it's portrayed to be, to put it simply.
But really, I don't want a love like the movies or a certain specific couple. I want something that the two of us can have all our own.
And I don't believe in prince charming, but I do believe that if you really take the time to get to know someone, you can find a little bit of that in every guy.
And despite what people say about true love being dead...I can't say that I believe that either. Love, in essence, will pop up when you least expect it. It will take you by surprise and maybe even take you on the ride of your life.
What I've said in this post might have seemed a little too honest. Some people might be reading this and wondering what in the world is wrong with me, saying things like that. But I'm tired of hiding...whether people lose or gain respect for me after reading this, then so be it. This is just me being who I am. And if there's one way you could lose out on a fully-lived life, it's by not being exactly who you are.
November 12, 2010
Just Me (Or Is it?)
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately; what I've learned, what has changed in my life, and how I personally have changed. It's funny how in college a lot of people feel like they're constantly moving at a billion miles per minute. While that is true for me at times, it doesn't keep me from taking the time to actually step back and reflect on various situations or lessons. I believe that's why my attitude has shifted quite a bit; because I'm able to take a step back and look at the big picture.
Yet, sometimes I find myself asking "just who am I?" Not so much where I question my identity in itself, but rather, what are the components of my identity? What makes me distinct? (and that's not necessarily from everyone else, but just in general).
For the last few years or so I've tended to define myself as the kind of person that one cannot describe in just a single sentence. My mom even pointed out, "You have so many different interests and aspects to your personality. You're the kind of person that can read a book in a coffee shop for hours on end, yet you're also into boys and love wearing make-up." I began to realize that I closely resembled the music on my ipod; there are so many different genres and categories that it's nearly impossible to tell what I tend to favor.
I've realized that when it comes to most of the people that I've met and befriended in my life, each one of them has a particular quality that stands out. For example, there were these three girls that I became close with in high school (two of them even wound up at the same university that I'm at now). The first reminds me of a doll; she's so cute and happy-go-lucky that if I could, I would take her everywhere with me. The second is incredibly head-strong and has the kind of confidence that I long to emulate. She 's incredibly fierce, works hard and goes after what she wants. The third is very motherly; not so in the nagging sense, but that she loves everyone she meets and always takes care of them.
In the back of my mind, I occasionally ponder if I happen to stand out in any way like that. No, I don't mean exactly like that. But is there anything that people pick up on right away after they meet or get to know me?
There is also a question as to the kind of person that I want to become, both now and in the future. I want to have the ability to do the things most college students do. Truth be told, I'm middle of the road when it comes to a lot of things; I believe that it's fine to go out and have a good time, but to make sure you make smart decisions and know when to stop yourself. It's perfectly fine to be proud of your sexuality, as long as you carry yourself with a little class.
On the other hand, I don't want to just do what everyone else does.
I don't want to be doing the same things all the time.
I don't want to wonder what a particular experience might be like. I want to know.
And whenever someone special comes into my life, I want him to think that I'm not like any other girl he's ever met before.
As I've been writing this, it suddenly dawned on me that one doesn't achieve this sort of thing by trying. They just go about their lives and do what they do. They just...live.
I might not know right now, but I think that's half of the fun. You learn as you go and just enjoy things for what they are. Most of the time, it's ok not to have everything mapped out right in front of you. What matters most is the journey, not the destination.
Yet, sometimes I find myself asking "just who am I?" Not so much where I question my identity in itself, but rather, what are the components of my identity? What makes me distinct? (and that's not necessarily from everyone else, but just in general).
For the last few years or so I've tended to define myself as the kind of person that one cannot describe in just a single sentence. My mom even pointed out, "You have so many different interests and aspects to your personality. You're the kind of person that can read a book in a coffee shop for hours on end, yet you're also into boys and love wearing make-up." I began to realize that I closely resembled the music on my ipod; there are so many different genres and categories that it's nearly impossible to tell what I tend to favor.
I've realized that when it comes to most of the people that I've met and befriended in my life, each one of them has a particular quality that stands out. For example, there were these three girls that I became close with in high school (two of them even wound up at the same university that I'm at now). The first reminds me of a doll; she's so cute and happy-go-lucky that if I could, I would take her everywhere with me. The second is incredibly head-strong and has the kind of confidence that I long to emulate. She 's incredibly fierce, works hard and goes after what she wants. The third is very motherly; not so in the nagging sense, but that she loves everyone she meets and always takes care of them.
In the back of my mind, I occasionally ponder if I happen to stand out in any way like that. No, I don't mean exactly like that. But is there anything that people pick up on right away after they meet or get to know me?
There is also a question as to the kind of person that I want to become, both now and in the future. I want to have the ability to do the things most college students do. Truth be told, I'm middle of the road when it comes to a lot of things; I believe that it's fine to go out and have a good time, but to make sure you make smart decisions and know when to stop yourself. It's perfectly fine to be proud of your sexuality, as long as you carry yourself with a little class.
On the other hand, I don't want to just do what everyone else does.
I don't want to be doing the same things all the time.
I don't want to wonder what a particular experience might be like. I want to know.
And whenever someone special comes into my life, I want him to think that I'm not like any other girl he's ever met before.
As I've been writing this, it suddenly dawned on me that one doesn't achieve this sort of thing by trying. They just go about their lives and do what they do. They just...live.
I might not know right now, but I think that's half of the fun. You learn as you go and just enjoy things for what they are. Most of the time, it's ok not to have everything mapped out right in front of you. What matters most is the journey, not the destination.
November 03, 2010
Wants Vs. Needs
This has been quite a common theme in my life since being on campus; actually now that I think about it's, been a theme for the past eighteen or so years. The only difference is that it's become more significant at this stage in my life, this being because I am much more physically active than ever. I'm still adjusting to various things around here, and it's taken awhile for me to be honest with myself in regards to just how sensitive I am to this "new world" so to speak.
During the first couple of weeks of college, I felt like a little kid in a candy store; I could go where I wanted to go and not really have to depend on anyone to get me there. I often went to bed at midnight or later most of the time and didn't really care how I felt the next day. I was grabbing every opportunity I could to just be social and be doing something.
Then labor day weekend came around and I was beginning to crash. My friends and I had gone to the football game that day and had a dance party in the dorms later that night. It got to a point where I began to cough over and over again and knew that I was going to get sick.
Needless to say, I was right.
At first I thought that it was dehydration, because that tends to happen to me very easily when I'm moving around quite a bit. After I lost both lunch and dinner, I figured that the stomach flu was going around. Yet when the stomach aches lasted for a couple of days, I knew deep down sickness wasn't the issue. It was stress, and ultimately exhaustion.
Taking care of myself (on both physical and emotional levels) has probably been one of the most frustrating issues since I've been on my own. Back home, I never really went out, unless you count football games, movies, and getting coffee. These days, there is so much to do and so many more options to choose from. I want to be able to soak up every minute of it and appreciate it while I can.
A part of me still holds onto that "wonder-woman" mentality; that now that I'm older, I should be physically stronger. If I am physically stronger, I should be able to handle this kind of stuff a lot easier. And by stuff, I mean staying out late (and often), walking from one side of campus to the other, and just college itself. If I chose rest or even take a nap, I would miss out something.
I have defied the odds repeatedly as a young girl. Why stop now?
Again, it's a harder choice to make then one can imagine. There are times where I like to ignore or completely forget that I have a mild handicap. I tend to view myself as "half and half." This means that I may have physical limitations, but that doesn't entirely make up who I am. I think that's why I don't usually tell people unless I have to, or they ask about it. I don't want to be defined by my body. I want to be defined by my heart, my personality and my character.
I frequently forget how everyone does have their own set of weaknesses and limitations. We all have our own wants and needs. But as twisted as this sounds, what we want is not always what we need. Half of the time, what we need is never what we want.
I have been learning so much as of right now, and it in turn is helping me to grow and mature. In hindsight, it's important to know your limits and give yourself a break. To set boundaries and stick to them. To get right back up again when you fall down. To make time for what you love. Most importantly, to understand that You CANNOT do it alone!
I am thankful for the friends that I've made thus far; for accepting me and listening to what I have to say, even when my opinions and reasons aren't always rational. I'm thankful for the sacrifices that my parents are making in order for me to be here, and I want them to be proud of me.
The worst way one can fail at living life is not taking care of themselves. It's still a day by day process, but nevertheless, I am making progress.
During the first couple of weeks of college, I felt like a little kid in a candy store; I could go where I wanted to go and not really have to depend on anyone to get me there. I often went to bed at midnight or later most of the time and didn't really care how I felt the next day. I was grabbing every opportunity I could to just be social and be doing something.
Then labor day weekend came around and I was beginning to crash. My friends and I had gone to the football game that day and had a dance party in the dorms later that night. It got to a point where I began to cough over and over again and knew that I was going to get sick.
Needless to say, I was right.
At first I thought that it was dehydration, because that tends to happen to me very easily when I'm moving around quite a bit. After I lost both lunch and dinner, I figured that the stomach flu was going around. Yet when the stomach aches lasted for a couple of days, I knew deep down sickness wasn't the issue. It was stress, and ultimately exhaustion.
Taking care of myself (on both physical and emotional levels) has probably been one of the most frustrating issues since I've been on my own. Back home, I never really went out, unless you count football games, movies, and getting coffee. These days, there is so much to do and so many more options to choose from. I want to be able to soak up every minute of it and appreciate it while I can.
A part of me still holds onto that "wonder-woman" mentality; that now that I'm older, I should be physically stronger. If I am physically stronger, I should be able to handle this kind of stuff a lot easier. And by stuff, I mean staying out late (and often), walking from one side of campus to the other, and just college itself. If I chose rest or even take a nap, I would miss out something.
I have defied the odds repeatedly as a young girl. Why stop now?
Again, it's a harder choice to make then one can imagine. There are times where I like to ignore or completely forget that I have a mild handicap. I tend to view myself as "half and half." This means that I may have physical limitations, but that doesn't entirely make up who I am. I think that's why I don't usually tell people unless I have to, or they ask about it. I don't want to be defined by my body. I want to be defined by my heart, my personality and my character.
I frequently forget how everyone does have their own set of weaknesses and limitations. We all have our own wants and needs. But as twisted as this sounds, what we want is not always what we need. Half of the time, what we need is never what we want.
I have been learning so much as of right now, and it in turn is helping me to grow and mature. In hindsight, it's important to know your limits and give yourself a break. To set boundaries and stick to them. To get right back up again when you fall down. To make time for what you love. Most importantly, to understand that You CANNOT do it alone!
I am thankful for the friends that I've made thus far; for accepting me and listening to what I have to say, even when my opinions and reasons aren't always rational. I'm thankful for the sacrifices that my parents are making in order for me to be here, and I want them to be proud of me.
The worst way one can fail at living life is not taking care of themselves. It's still a day by day process, but nevertheless, I am making progress.
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