I've been thinking about a lot of things lately; what I've learned, what has changed in my life, and how I personally have changed. It's funny how in college a lot of people feel like they're constantly moving at a billion miles per minute. While that is true for me at times, it doesn't keep me from taking the time to actually step back and reflect on various situations or lessons. I believe that's why my attitude has shifted quite a bit; because I'm able to take a step back and look at the big picture.
Yet, sometimes I find myself asking "just who am I?" Not so much where I question my identity in itself, but rather, what are the components of my identity? What makes me distinct? (and that's not necessarily from everyone else, but just in general).
For the last few years or so I've tended to define myself as the kind of person that one cannot describe in just a single sentence. My mom even pointed out, "You have so many different interests and aspects to your personality. You're the kind of person that can read a book in a coffee shop for hours on end, yet you're also into boys and love wearing make-up." I began to realize that I closely resembled the music on my ipod; there are so many different genres and categories that it's nearly impossible to tell what I tend to favor.
I've realized that when it comes to most of the people that I've met and befriended in my life, each one of them has a particular quality that stands out. For example, there were these three girls that I became close with in high school (two of them even wound up at the same university that I'm at now). The first reminds me of a doll; she's so cute and happy-go-lucky that if I could, I would take her everywhere with me. The second is incredibly head-strong and has the kind of confidence that I long to emulate. She 's incredibly fierce, works hard and goes after what she wants. The third is very motherly; not so in the nagging sense, but that she loves everyone she meets and always takes care of them.
In the back of my mind, I occasionally ponder if I happen to stand out in any way like that. No, I don't mean exactly like that. But is there anything that people pick up on right away after they meet or get to know me?
There is also a question as to the kind of person that I want to become, both now and in the future. I want to have the ability to do the things most college students do. Truth be told, I'm middle of the road when it comes to a lot of things; I believe that it's fine to go out and have a good time, but to make sure you make smart decisions and know when to stop yourself. It's perfectly fine to be proud of your sexuality, as long as you carry yourself with a little class.
On the other hand, I don't want to just do what everyone else does.
I don't want to be doing the same things all the time.
I don't want to wonder what a particular experience might be like. I want to know.
And whenever someone special comes into my life, I want him to think that I'm not like any other girl he's ever met before.
As I've been writing this, it suddenly dawned on me that one doesn't achieve this sort of thing by trying. They just go about their lives and do what they do. They just...live.
I might not know right now, but I think that's half of the fun. You learn as you go and just enjoy things for what they are. Most of the time, it's ok not to have everything mapped out right in front of you. What matters most is the journey, not the destination.