As of tomorrow morning, I am officially a senior year in high school. It feels kind of weird to be at this point, although I'm not sure why exactly. Maybe it's because I expected to have be taller than I was freshman year? (Even though height has nothing to do with it) Or maybe it was just something that seemed like it wasn't going to get here for a very long time? Who knows...
I will say that I definately got alot out of this past summer. The one thing that stands out in my mind is how I've changed, and how I was able to focus on myself. That is, really sitting down and asking myself "what really makes me happy?" I questioned some other things too, such as my beliefs and why (or why not) I believe in those things. It may seem weird, but I found it rather liberating to be honest with myself.
I have alot to look forward to this coming school year: the new roles of leadership I'll be taking on, the people that I've been getting to know, preparing to go to college, and just appreciating this year for what it is. It's exciting, but also a little bit scary.
And in a way, I am scared. I had an amazing junior year, and I've found myself how in the heck I'll be able to top it; reason being that three of my closest friends have graduated and I won't get to see them every single day. I'm taking on a huge courseload and would like to get my GPA up before I apply to any more colleges. I've never really pushed myself that hard before, and I wonder if I'll be able to handle that much. Yet when it all comes down to it, I think my biggest fear is not accomplishing any of my goals that I've set because of not working hard.
The goals that I have are both long-term and short term: I'm hoping to eventually get some kind of scholarship or grant money for college, and choose the right school for me at that. I wanna do well in all my subjects and like I said, raise my GPA. I'm gonna try not to stress out as much as I have in the past and just take everything for what it is. I've often heard senior year goes so fast that you don't really have time to take certain things seriously.
I do have two long-term ones, and they're probably the most important to me. This year I want to take care of someone (or multiple people) the way so many people have taken care of me; I want to let someone cry on my shoulder when they're sad or just give them a hug if they need it. I want to carry someone else's books or help them with their homework. It may sound strange, but I want to be a blessing to someone in my school (and perhaps even outside my school). For some odd reason, I feel like I haven't done very much to be an impact on others.
The second one is to eventually grow into the woman I was meant to be. My mom often tells me that when I was younger, I used to walk around with this big smile on my face and I was always so bubbly and happy. I'll admit that teenage hormones, combined with my experiences five years ago took that bubbliness away. I'm not sure if I'll be able to completely go back to that, as per the fact that I'm no longer a little girl, and that I've functioned in a certain way for a long time. With both those things, you can't automatically go back to normal. You have to create a new normal for yourself. That normal for me is being able to have joy; not just because of the people that are in my life, but because of what I personally find joy in.
It's not something that can happen automatically, or every day. I just have to take things one day at a time, and be thankful for each day that I have.
August 26, 2009
August 21, 2009
Simple thoughts for the week
I'm beginning to love blogging, but sometimes I don't have very much to say sometimes. So I decided that at the end of each week (say Friday or Saturday, depending on when I have time as well as energy) I'll post little snippets of what I've been doing, my feelings, what I'm thankful for, etc. It might seem a little random, but enjoy :)
~I've made it a goal of mine to not go on facebook so much all the time. It's definately a great way for communication and staying in touch, but its gotten to the point that I go on it so often, and it's starting to have a negative effect on me. Heck, maybe I should just do that with the internet in general
~It used to be about me needing or wanting a particular person to stay in my life or come back in it. Now I'm starting to realize that I want someone to need me.
~Yes, there is someone I would just love to take in my arms right now and hold them. They probably don't know it, but I've been kind of selfish lately and I feel really bad about it. On top of it all, I just miss this person alot.
~I'm thankful for whoever came up with the idea of venting. There's so much I've finally gotten off my chest over the past couple of days. And I'm thankful for the wonderful people that took the time to listen to what I have to say.
~Yellow is my new favorite color
~I've made it a goal of mine to not go on facebook so much all the time. It's definately a great way for communication and staying in touch, but its gotten to the point that I go on it so often, and it's starting to have a negative effect on me. Heck, maybe I should just do that with the internet in general
~It used to be about me needing or wanting a particular person to stay in my life or come back in it. Now I'm starting to realize that I want someone to need me.
~Yes, there is someone I would just love to take in my arms right now and hold them. They probably don't know it, but I've been kind of selfish lately and I feel really bad about it. On top of it all, I just miss this person alot.
~I'm thankful for whoever came up with the idea of venting. There's so much I've finally gotten off my chest over the past couple of days. And I'm thankful for the wonderful people that took the time to listen to what I have to say.
~Yellow is my new favorite color
August 04, 2009
Quiet Strength
I've been somewhat hesistant to write about this, considering I've been trying to not make it the focal point of my life for the last two years. But yet, it always seems to be the elephant in the room, regardless of how I live or what I do. Let me say this is anything but a pity post; as I'll explain later, pity is really the last thing I want from anybody. As is the point of this blog, I'm just putting my current thoughts to paper and going from there.
why are you like that?
why do you walk so weird?
what happened to you?
These are common questions I get, mostly when I've been out in public, and from little kids. Usually I've never known how to answer them, even though I'm rarely approached about it now a days. How do you really explain to a five year-old (or however young they may be) that it's because your mildly handicapped? But then it dawned on me that it wasn't specifically because of that.
I was born prematurely, at three months before my origonal due date (Mom was only twenty-seven weeks pregnant with me at the time.) During my birth, the part of my brain that tells my legs how to walk correctly was lacking oxygen. I stayed in the NICU for about four months after and was diagnosed with cerebral palsy a year later.
Fast forward about seventeen years
I feel like I've come a long way in my life. For the first time in a long time, maybe if ever, I feel at peace; I'm at peace with my body, peace with the fact that I'm not exactly like everyone else (yet in the grand scheme of things, aren't we all different in one way or the other?) I see my circumstances and experiences as more of a blessing than anything else, and I'm grateful for all that I've gotten out of it.
Of course, I've also had my share of struggles. There was a time when I was angry and insecure about my situation; I felt like I didn't really fit in with my peers and began having self-asteem issues. When the gossip started flying, I never knew how to stick up for myself or not let it get to me. At the time, nothing was more painful than being told that my legs needed to be "fixed." I eventually stopped trying to talk about it and became depressed.
It took from the time I was in the eighth grade till about the end of my junior year of high school to finally get over it. I came to have a relationship with God and talked about my experiences openly, but I still dwelled on certain events, constantly going through the "what ifs." I chose to go to a private catholic high school instead of public, but closed myself off from the students there for a fear of having to go through the same thing again. Little did I know that I need a big attitude adjustment: I wasn't in control of my circumstances, but I was definately in control of how I dealt with them.
I do believe that I have changed (in a good way) because of that simple lesson. By putting myself out there, being confident, and finding little bits of joy every day, I've been able to live a better life. Granted, you can't just say once that you're going to change and expect things to be perfect from that point on; it something that needs to be worked on every day, little by little. Eventually it might just become second nature :)
I hate pity, and I definately don't want to be pitied by anyone. While life has been hard at some points, that doesn't mean that nothing good has ever come out of it. I don't want people to say "I'm sorry that you're like that" because I've honestly found alot of benefits and blessings. Like writing and appreciating nature, for example.
I don't vocalize my handicap as much as I used to now a days because I don't want it to dictate the way I live my life. I have dreams, goals, and ambitions and I'll be damned if I let cerebal palsy get in the way of it. I'm not sure what exactly the future holds, but I know who holds the future. And that kind of strength, that quiet strength, is what keeps me going.
why are you like that?
why do you walk so weird?
what happened to you?
These are common questions I get, mostly when I've been out in public, and from little kids. Usually I've never known how to answer them, even though I'm rarely approached about it now a days. How do you really explain to a five year-old (or however young they may be) that it's because your mildly handicapped? But then it dawned on me that it wasn't specifically because of that.
I was born prematurely, at three months before my origonal due date (Mom was only twenty-seven weeks pregnant with me at the time.) During my birth, the part of my brain that tells my legs how to walk correctly was lacking oxygen. I stayed in the NICU for about four months after and was diagnosed with cerebral palsy a year later.
Fast forward about seventeen years
I feel like I've come a long way in my life. For the first time in a long time, maybe if ever, I feel at peace; I'm at peace with my body, peace with the fact that I'm not exactly like everyone else (yet in the grand scheme of things, aren't we all different in one way or the other?) I see my circumstances and experiences as more of a blessing than anything else, and I'm grateful for all that I've gotten out of it.
Of course, I've also had my share of struggles. There was a time when I was angry and insecure about my situation; I felt like I didn't really fit in with my peers and began having self-asteem issues. When the gossip started flying, I never knew how to stick up for myself or not let it get to me. At the time, nothing was more painful than being told that my legs needed to be "fixed." I eventually stopped trying to talk about it and became depressed.
It took from the time I was in the eighth grade till about the end of my junior year of high school to finally get over it. I came to have a relationship with God and talked about my experiences openly, but I still dwelled on certain events, constantly going through the "what ifs." I chose to go to a private catholic high school instead of public, but closed myself off from the students there for a fear of having to go through the same thing again. Little did I know that I need a big attitude adjustment: I wasn't in control of my circumstances, but I was definately in control of how I dealt with them.
I do believe that I have changed (in a good way) because of that simple lesson. By putting myself out there, being confident, and finding little bits of joy every day, I've been able to live a better life. Granted, you can't just say once that you're going to change and expect things to be perfect from that point on; it something that needs to be worked on every day, little by little. Eventually it might just become second nature :)
I hate pity, and I definately don't want to be pitied by anyone. While life has been hard at some points, that doesn't mean that nothing good has ever come out of it. I don't want people to say "I'm sorry that you're like that" because I've honestly found alot of benefits and blessings. Like writing and appreciating nature, for example.
I don't vocalize my handicap as much as I used to now a days because I don't want it to dictate the way I live my life. I have dreams, goals, and ambitions and I'll be damned if I let cerebal palsy get in the way of it. I'm not sure what exactly the future holds, but I know who holds the future. And that kind of strength, that quiet strength, is what keeps me going.
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