Adulthood On a Slide

When the Miley Cyrus Video Music Awards spectacle happened, everybody was all up arms about how she was "too sexy" and basically flipped the bird to her younger fans. I'm not disagreeing with that, but I saw something that may have gone over everyone else's heads: she was trying to announce to the world that she is no longer a child,  when realistically she's just shy of being a  year younger than I am.  While watching her performance I thought, there is a difference between being an adult and being an idiot; she was obviously going for the latter.

A week or so later, a distant/extended relative of my maternal grandmother made a point to compare college to a country club, and then made an even bigger point of informing me that the real world absolutely sucks. That Sunday in church, the closing prayer was "help us grow up before we grow old" while friends are starting to panic  when we're not even halfway through first semester yet.

It all kind of makes me sigh and wonder what adulthood even means these days.

There's no arguing that it's different for everyone, but part of why so many may struggle with it is because people from the age of twelve and onward are given mixed messages, and they end up burning the candle at both ends. On one hand, young kids (particularly girls) are told that in order to gain approval by their peers or be popular, they have to dress a certain way. But then morality cries that girls are completely dismissing their youth by wearing revealing clothing or piling on the make-up.

Then come the teenage years, seven years which can be emotionally taxing and confusing. There are those that have to "grow up" early; they take on a parent-like role for their younger siblings, they have to help contribute to finances or give up a paycheck entirely. Some move out on their own or go to college. Add in curiosity about alcohol, sex, perhaps drugs, and things can get complicated. The icing on the cake is when teens get put into a glass box for the sake of "protection" instead of learning how to actually cope and properly handle it.

Once you're in your twenties, it can go two ways: you're either an upstanding role model with a good head on your shoulders, or a selfish, lazy party animal. You're considered stupid and irresponsible for making choices that your parents probably made twenty-five or thirty-something years ago. Showing emotion and being vulnerable is taboo because few know how or even want to deal with that. You're not allowed to voice your doubts or ask questions; rather, you get your college degree and a warning that it's all downhill from that point on.

While it's true that a lot of those things are stereotypes, it all points to the same pattern: one extreme or the other. And it could just be me, but I'm beginning to think that it doesn't really have to be like that at all. You can still have fun and be responsible, and you don't have to exist on a teeter-totter.

I'm still in the threshold of all of it, but I've come to understand enough that "adulthood" doesn't have to be as daunting as most assume that it is.


You'll never have it "together"

The phrase "I have to get my shit together" is slowly becoming one of those that are like fingernails on a chalkboard. A friend once said it  mid-rant and I had to hold my tongue while trying not to cringe. Let's face it: no matter how hard you try and no matter what you may think, you will never completely have it all figured out. You can plan and prepare all you want, but most likely it won't happen exactly as you envision it to.  It's like trying to carry a multitude of bags in an airport: stack 'em, sling 'em and what have you, but eventually you will get tired and stuff will get messy. In other words, too much preparation only leads to insanity. Emotionally, I missed out on a good chunk of my senior year in high school because I was worried about functioning in college. Do what you can and let God take care of the rest, or at least deal with something when it happens and not beforehand.

Needing is NOT weakness 

It has taken me two decades, but I'm finally in a place where I don't balk at the idea of asking for help. It's easy to stand up and yell "look at me now, world!" in regards to how far I've come and what I've accomplished. Honestly though, I didn't get here without some kind of guidance. Sure, I had to dig my heels in and fight for what I wanted at times, if not all the time. I've made choices when everyone around me thought I would fail. But I have gotten where I am today as a result of love and encouragement, despite all of that. In a way, I've learn to see pessimism and negativity (from others) as a motivation; not to prove anybody wrong, but to continually ask myself, just what am I capable of? How far can I push myself? Most of the time it works, although occasionally I do question the reasoning behind that determination.

It's become common culture for needing someone to be viewed as weak, although life has shown me the opposite. True strength lies in taking the hand of or upholding another, because it shows that one simply cannot go through life alone. Once you stop using anger, isolation, and self-reliance as a form of protection, your experiences with others will become so much richer.


It Takes (A lot Of) Time

There is no such thing as "growing up too fast" and being successful at it. Young celebrities think that they can go from teen royalty to sex icon in just a matter of months, but reality does not work that way. Old habits and routines are not things that you can simply switch on and off; it all takes adjustment and getting used to. And just because you go from one phase to the next does not always have to mean doing a one-eighty and becoming a completely different person; you just learn to take it down a few notches, and/or do certain things in moderation. Overall, you cannot control how others see you or whether or not someone will take you seriously. Shout it and out tell the world all you want, but that doesn't mean that the world will listen. And if you're going to do anything drastic, make sure it's for you and only you. 

A lot of people are probably in the same place you are: they're scared and uncertain, wanting to make sure they don't just end up living in the mundane day in and day out. Be patient, because you will get stuck and possibly even fail on more than one occassion. That's not a bad thing, really; it teaches you how to be humble and recognize that there is something bigger than you out there, whether or not you believe in God or some sort of higher power. 

I still have a ways to go, but I'd like to think that the basic definition of adulthood is simply outgrowing and evolving. Like it or not, we all do and most of the time don't even realize it. Embracing your sexuality is part of it, but it's more about perspective and maturity,  and I think that's where I'm at right now. I no longer carry this gigantic weight on my shoulders, instead of walking in peace and faith as opposed to shame and hurt. Things still do happen, but for the most part I'm calm and relaxed. I'm learning not to take shortcomings too personally, and to see people as human beings.

I don't believe in "glory days" or that the best parts of life always take place when you're young. Though I'm in no rush to get older, I'd like to think that there is something beautiful about every life stage, despite not usually recognize it in the midst of the daily grind. Cherish what you have and be present in the current moment, but don't be afraid to move forward. If there's one big lesson I've learned this year so far, it's that each day is a gift. Age should not mean that you lack anything, but that you gain something; wisdom, experience, whatever it may be, you have more of it. 

My hope and prayer is that in the midst of all of it, that I don't lose my child-like sense of wonder and zest for life. It's a sad misconception that one has to give that sort of thing up once they reach a certain age. What they don't realize is that it's the ability to see beauty in everything, and take notice of the small stuff that keeps you going. When the road gets tough, sometimes it's the truth that all will be OK eventually that helps you to hold on. You can have joy without ignoring pain, and you don't have to ignore the pain in order to love life. Some call it living in the past, but I'd rather see it as setting myself free. 

As I finish writing this, one thought occurs to me: maybe we shouldn't call it growing up, because we never really stop. As I mentioned, you can outgrow things and want to go in a different direction, but there's never a point where you say "I know all there is to know and I've done all there is to do." From now on, maybe I'll just call it growing.

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Stream of Consciousness: What's New

I'm almost done with my second week of senior year, two words that still sound somewhat weird when I say them. Normally by this time I would be exhausted, both my mind and body aching for rest. While I still get tired (and a little overwhelmed), along with missing my family, those things don't occur with as much intensity as they have in the past. I feel at peace, and my perspective just keeps growing. Part of it might have to do with what happened this summer. Part of it might be that my faith has been reawakened, which I'll elaborate on at another time. And part of it might be that this is my last year of college: I have some of my closest friends in the same area, as well as my own personal space, among other things. Out of all of the goals that I've set for myself for this particular year, the top one is to just enjoy it. Don't get lost in the stress (or BS) that usually comes with being a college student, which for me usually involves worry and/or becoming anxious a lot of the time. I could go on, but I don't know to phrase it. I suppose one sum it up as experiencing a growth spurt in maturity.

I've started working with a new, individual counselor this week. I love group therapy and all, but I was getting to a place where it felt more appropriate to be one on one with someone; I started to realize that I was dealing with specific issues, issues that were very hard to address with five or more people. When I have multiple tidbits of advice and various points of view coming at me at one time, it gets confusing. At first I thought I could do both, but quickly figured out that it would be too hard and too time consuming. It took a couple of weeks, but I eventually got in contact with someone who specializes in what I'm trying to work on. Perhaps this has more to do with where I'm at in both my faith and my life, but thus far it has been one of the most powerful counseling experiences I've ever had.

This is the first time I've ever done Lifespan Integration, not to mention with a Christian therapist. I don't want to detail the experience on here right now because I'm still processing it for myself. It was beautiful and incredibly spiritual, but also very overwhelming: every time I would open my eyes, I would be in tears without actually meaning to cry. By the time it was all over, it might as well have had an out-of-body experience (and perhaps in some way I did). Throughout the rest of the day I was slightly groggy and found it tough to concentrate on anything else. And that was only one single memory. 

But I can say without a doubt that I have never felt more free and at peace with that particular situation then I feel right now. There's no depending on the future to make everything better, or putting hope in what cannot be guaranteed. There's just here and now. From that I can also say that I understood what it truly means to let go and give it all over to God. Again, I'm still trying to piece together the details for myself; I may not even discuss it until all the memories have been worked through and put to rest, just because it's that deep. 

A friend once told me that there are some things that only God can heal. Initially, I had no clue what she meant, other than assuming it was reading my Bible and suddenly everything would make sense. But now as I look back on it months later, I think I finally get it. 

I don't know what will happen, but part of me has a strong feeling that whatever it is, it's going to be really good. This is only the beginning.

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Music Lovin' Monday

Better-Maggie Rose

If there's one song that sums up every emotion, feeling, and thought that I've experienced this past summer, it's this one. I plan on writing a post on it at some point, perhaps in a few weeks. If you've ever lost somebody, I'm sure you'll be able to relate to this. I love how simple and honest it is, so I'll let the music do the talking for now.

Take Back The Night-Justin Timberlake 

When I first heard about the N'Sync reunion on the MTV Video Music Awards, the inner teeny-bopper in me gave a little bit of a squeal, but at the same time 1.) I'm more partial to the Backstreet Boys, and 2.) I more of a fan of Justin as a solo artist rather than as a member of a boy-band. And after watching him last night, I have to say that he gave a phenomenal performance! After Miley Cyrus left made face-palming and wondering what popular music is coming to, he certainly made up for it.  In regards to this song in particular, he could have been a little bit more sensitive with the song title. But I love the overall city-vibe of it, given that I'm very much a downtown girl myself. It might be just another substitute for carpe diem, but it's a funkier (and classier) version of that other one. 

Heart of Life-John Mayer

An oldie-but-goodie; I was making dinner the other night when this came on my easy-listening Pandora station. I love the message of it, and the way the guitar sounds is so calming.

Light Me Up-Hunter Hayes

This one is less popular and slightly different, but still good. I wish he had played it at Country Thunder, but unfortunately he had to cut the show short due to the rain. 

Days of Gold-Jake Owen

I want to end this on a positive note, so I will say that this one is just awesome! I can bet that this will be one of the defining songs of my senior year of college. And if I ever do make a playlist describing these last four years, this one will definitely be on it!

All video content can be found on Youtube!

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An Excerpt

As my senior year of college fast approaches, there is one goal that sticks out in my mind; not just to write, but to be known as a writer along with it. I'm now beginning the process of trying to get some of my work published, whether it be through an online magazine or somewhere more local. I'm also putting a little bit more effort to putting the blog out there, whether it be via Twitter, Facebook, etc. Any place that I can connect with people is definitely a step in the right direction! 

I've also mentioned that I want to lighten this place up a bit; more so that readers are not getting deep, heavy-reading material all the time. With that being said, I would like to share this excerpt of a story that I wrote, one that I've sent to several places with the hopes of it being published. It has been in the making since freshman year, and definitely one of the fictional pieces that I've enjoyed writing the most. This may not look the best format-wise, but only because Blogger won't let me use indentation for some reason. 

The door creaked open, three decades worth of nostalgia hitting him in an instant: boxes of clothing and stage memorabilia were stacked on top of each other, threatening to spill out on the floor. Plaques and awards lined the walls while various trophies were shelved in a display case. There were so many memories, and he had practically stuffed everything into one little room. Well, buried was more like it. Nevertheless, things always had a way of coming back into your life; this was especially true if it had shaped such a huge part of it, and became part of you in the process.

The guitars, some of Jackson’s most treasured possessions, stood stoutly in a back corner. The four of them were each reserved for a certain occasion; one was painted bright red and mostly used on stage. The second was for the recording studio and looked plainer then the others. The third, an electric, was only used when the band had decided to incorporate rock and roll into their albums. The fourth was the first instrument given to him at the age of fourteen; the age when music became more than just listening to the radio.

 The Moon Wrecklers was the name they had bequeathed to themselves before signing their first record deal; they had all tried coming up with something distinct, but it was either too silly or was already taken. It was finally borne under the neon lights of a dimly lit tavern; in a drunken stupor, his band mate Rick wondered aloud, “What would it be like to heckle the moon?”

“You mean, if you could actually touch it?” the rest of them replied.

 “Yeah, like grab it and shake it!”

   “That’s impossible!” Dan, ever the realist shot back. “You’ve been watching too many of those kiddie movies, Ricky boy. We can land on the moon, but we’ll never be able to grab it!”

 It seemed impossible, a word that seemed to closely relate to trying to get a record deal. For an hour they tossed around other ideas; hecklers made them sound too much like the mob or terrorists, becklers was just weird, and Necklers didn’t sound right at all.

 “What about the Wrecklers?” Todd suggested as a matter of factly. “Not too many people can come up with something like that.”

 “It’s tough, but not too tough,” Dan added.

“The Moon Wrecklers…” They pondered wistfully for a few moments, wondering if it would actually stick.

It did; enough to nearly take over their lives. 

I will post an announcement on the blog's Facebook page, along with my Twitter account if and when I hear anything. Replies often take a long time, so it could be anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months. Thank you to everyone who has not only supported me on here, but in general as well!

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A Letter To My Sister

Dear Sissy,

  I know that we haven't called each other that for ten years, but since you're on the brink of going into high school, I figured now was a once-in-a-blue-moon chance to use it again. And just so you know, I'm writing this because I know that realistically you probably wouldn't read it had I wrote one by hand and left it at home for you. So in that spirit, I will do my best not to be overly sappy or sentimental, but no promises. I hope you will somehow come across this, so that I can pass on the wisdom that I've gained over the years

I can't believe that in a couple of days, you'll be walking through the doors of both mine and our brother's alma matter as a high school freshman. It's still incredibly easy to picture you as a rosy, chubby-cheeked four year old asking way too many questions or dancing around to Brother Bear and High School Musical. Regardless of how old you get, I will always somehow picture you as that, but that doesn't mean I'm not proud of the young lady you're becoming. It's likely that we'll have different experiences, but I would like to offer some insight as well.

First, it's normal to be nervous on the first day, and even for the first year. I recall being absolutely terrified of the possibilities and things that could go wrong. Not only did I not trust very many people at the time, but I wasn't completely comfortable with my decision to attend a private school over a public school. Not I don't know where exactly you are, but you seem pretty confident in your choice. However, my fear was more than just about making the right decisions and making new friends. It was about losing the friends that I already had at the time.

With that being said, always be open to meeting new people, and don't try to hold on to how life used to be. People will come in and out of your life at different times, but the ones who are meant to be there will always be somehow standing in the doorway. My closest friends are the ones that I didn't (and still don't) necessarily talk to every day or spend a ton of time with. Yet, we always are able to love and support each other. Sometimes we grow apart for a little while, but eventually we come back together.

My point is to appreciate who and what is right in front of you. They say not to have regrets, but my one big one is not really taking the time to genuinely get to know my classmates; not everyone will become part of your inner circle, but just because you aren't besties doesn't mean you can't care about each other.

Most likely you'll have your share of ups and downs; it's easy to look back and say "don't sweat the small stuff," but I also remember what it's like to be a teenager and not be able to see beyond certain things. Part of me wants to tell you not to worry about the boys and getting dates, because the chances of them caring about you the way you should want and deserved to be loved are pretty slim at your age. Yet, I never had a serious boyfriend for any of those four years, so I can't say whether you're better off being single or not. If one comes along and takes the time to get to know you for who you are, don't deny yourself that experience. But don't tie your worth and energy into one person's opinion of you. Know when to hold on and when to let go, and that goes for everything. You have more fun when you're willing to just let it happen if it's meant to. I've found that the greatest joys frequently turn out to be the unexpected (and unplanned) ones.

And this might be a little awkward coming from me, but I'm guessing you'll probably become curious about experimenting with alcohol at some point. I'm glad to see that you have little interest in it right now, but that can change over the years. It's easy to proclaim that you're never going to do something (I should know because that was me at your age), but you never know what kind of environment you'll find yourself in, or how things and interests can change at any point. I'm not going to tell you what you can and can't do in this regard, because it's honestly not my place. It should be a conversation for you and our parents to have together. I can only hope that when you're faced with any kind of temptation or pressure to do something risky, you'll ask yourself if it's worth it. Regardless if it involves drinking, drugs or sex, you'll ask yourself if it's worth giving up your dreams, your goals, and even your life for. 

But it's not so much about being a good person or never messing up as much as it is about being a kid. People now a days are in such a rush to grow up without realizing that there is a reason why childhood spans as long as it does. And granted, there is always something special about every phase of life that you go through, but don't constantly try to find shortcuts when one might be better than the other. That's not to say you won't ever make a mistake, but there's a difference between doing something out of curiosity and doing something when you know very well that it's a bad idea. 

My hope and prayer for you is about so much more than just making good choices, it's about the kind of person you become. When our brother and I were in high school, people had the tendency to compare us to one another; not to say that I didn't mind that, but it was tough at times trying to establish my own identity apart from him. I felt like not many of the guys wanted to get to know me because they were afraid of what he would do, or they would look as me as just "the sister." My point is, you have a chance to become more of your own person. Don't just wait until your senior year to make your mark, but leave a legacy for other people to follow. I have no doubt that you'll be a strong leader as an athlete, but there are other avenues of respect as well. I hope you'll become a young woman of kindness, compassion, and faith. While I'm not sure what you think of God, but I also hope that someday you'll find a spiritual foundation. It's not about religion, but realizing that there is something bigger than you out there, and there will be times where you have no choice but to trust it. 

I want you to be able to confide in me if and whenever you're struggling, but that's easier said then done. As I said before, we'll probably have different experiences and it's not always easy to relate to someone when there's a seven year age gap. I do want to hear about things like homecoming and classes and sports, but if you're comfortable enough with it, I want to hear about the tough stuff as well. And if you feel like you can't talk to me or Mom about it, it's always good to find someone who's a year or two older and has a good head on their shoulders. My closest friends from high school range from a year to three years older than me, and having them in my life has been more of a blessing that I can describe. 

By the end of it all, it may turn out that these next four years aren't your "glory days" and that's OK. It might just be a stepping stone to something greater, as it was for me. While the ride may not be the smoothest,  that doesn't mean you shouldn't throw your hands up and make the most of it. 

I love you so much, and I know you're going to do well. Despite that I may be away from home a lot of the time, I will always be here to support you and take care of you in whatever way you need it, which is why I've written this. I wish you the best for your first day, as well as for this new and special chapter in your life. 

Love always, 
Al

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What I'm Loving Right Now: Music Edition

In terms of blogging, these last couple of months have been pretty deep and heavy; not to say that I won't continue writing in that regard, but I wanted to give myself (and readers) a bit of a break. For future reference, I will call this Music Lovin' Monday, but for now I'll just give you a taste of what's been on heavy Spotify, Pandora, and Ipod rotation.


Sunny and 75-Joe Nichols 
-I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it, and stood out in the pouring rain to hear him sing it at Country Thunder! It reminds me of being on vacation in Wisconsin, specifically when I used to go there as a kid. It has become one of my favorites, along with him as an artist. I definitely wouldn't mind seeing him again one day!

Runnin' Outta Moonlight-Randy Houser

-This always comes on when I'm cleaning my apartment, and I tend to get the urge to use my counter top as a drum set! It's also fun for a car ride when you're sitting in traffic. 

Robin Thicke-Blurred Lines 

-With questionable lyrics and a bit of risque music video, it's no wonder this song has taken a lot of heat. Next to Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" it will probably become one of the most overplayed songs on the radio by the time the summer is over. Yet if it comes on when my girlfriends and I go out, I have no choice but to drop whatever I'm doing and just dance! It's that catchy. 

Cruise Remix-Florida Georgia Line and Nelly

-fans will complain that this is awful and in no way resembles real country music, but I think it's actually pretty neat. Initially I hated it, but then it grew on me; at the end of junior year I went out to eat with two of my guy friends, and when this song came out we all start singing it really loud and just had a good time. I guess you could say it reminds me of them now! 

Drink A Beer-Luke Bryan

-In honor of the fact that his new album is now out! It's very different from what he usually does, but still incredibly honest and I like it a lot. It's something to relate to and sums up a lot of what I've been feeling lately. When you don't know what to say or how to express yourself, it's just easier to do what you know. Sometimes it's crying until you can't cry anymore. Other times it's  just getting away for a little while...and having a drink while you're at it. Either way, Luke is one of my favorite artists and I have some incredible memories from the times I've seen him live. I would go every year if I could, and would love for him to be at Country Thunder again! He's so darn good with a crowd, and I love the way he says "Twin Lakes." *begins to giggle like a little girl*

I have quite a list, but would like to split it up as time goes on. As of right now, I will try to do this every other week, so that way I don't give an entire selection over the course of a month. Overall, it was refreshing to do something like this for the first time. Tell me, what do you think of this list so far? What have you been listening to?

All music video credits go to Youtube!

When Silence Fails

I thought that after coming back to campus (the first time), I would be OK. It felt that way on the outside, but as the following poem says, deep down my feelings and emotions were like a sleeping monster.  When I went home for Country Thunder, it was like being slapped in the face (figuratively speaking). I did my best to keep quiet, but it made those three weeks a lot worse. 

And that's why I haven't really written on here in that time; I was afraid that by trying to discuss it in writing, it would come out wrong and be completely misinterpreted. I actually did try several times, but always wound up deleting it. I remembered that when I'm really sad or even angry, I write poetry as a response. So in the midst of trying to find a counselor or a pastor to talk to, I thought I would share this. I wrote it as a way of expressing how I've been dealing with these last two months, and my frustration at not being able to connect with the people around me.

The Life of Grief

Grief comes in many different forms

Morphing and changing with the passage of time

A tidal wave that washes over you, drenching you with tears

Chilled to the bone in shock

Natural, yet paralyzing

If not expressed, it can become a monster

Sitting in the underbelly of the layers of what makes us human

Clawing, tearing, and lashing

I try to keep it at bay for the sake of others

But I’m not one to hide or fake a smile

It’s just not possible

And when it finally breaks free

It can either feel good, or leave wounds

Deeper than when the first tragedy struck

Grief has two lanes

One where there’s a legacy to honor

To give love and spread kindness, as that person did

There’s no traffic and you just keep going

The other is when you can’t ignore the hurt beating against your chest

You can’t deny that something big has changed

While not knowing what the “new normal” is

Figuring out if maybe you’ve hit a detour

Or you’re dealing with a hurting or bruised

If not broken heart

This is not a something that anyone can ease

There is no such thing

As making the hurt and loss completely go away

But even if you don’t know what it’s like

To travel this road

That doesn’t mean your presence has no value

Pain has no comparison

So don’t wipe away their tears

And command them to be strong

This is not about avoiding awkwardness

Let them show what they feel

Connection doesn’t always mean sharing similar experiences

It doesn’t always have to involve words

Ask, don’t assume

If nothing else, embrace them

 And let them know you’re there

Not just in the physical sense

But that you support them

Even if you’ve never been in their shoes

You don’t have to hold their hand

Just walk with them

Respect their feelings and expression

And allow them to heal

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