I've been back at school for a week now; thus far, things have been both awesome and overwhelming at the same time. I absolutely love and adore my new apartment; it's a lot more spacious and definitely reflects more of my personality than my other place did (there's a beach/Disney/Comfort theme going on here). I love being closer to campus and being able to get to class within ten minutes as opposed to thirty or forty-five.
It hit me on the first night I was here in regards to how unbelievably blessed I am; I came home after seeing a movie with a friend, and as I walked though the door, I felt enveloped by a sense of peace. Dirty Dishes were placed rightfully in a dishwasher rather than piled up in a sink. My living room was filled with the scent of lilacs instead of mildew, tension, and overall disrespect. It was comfortable. It was mine.
Upon that realization, I turned on the classic rock station via Pandora and danced around the living room like a little kid during Christmas.
This may not be a big deal to those who live with one or more persons, or those that have been living by themselves for some time already. It's not just the physical space that brings me joy, but the \emotional freedom as well. And for anyone that has had the experience of watching a damaged person continuously run into a brick wall, you know what that kind of freedom feels like.
Deep down, I was a little afraid; not about coming back to town, but to get excited about this school year. On the outside, I made it clear that I was moving forward and that everything that happened during sophomore year didn't matter anymore. However, every so often I would have obscure nightmares about having to live with my friend again. I don't think it was me trying to live in the past; in a way, the previous circumstances might very well have had a psychological effect on me. I don't know why. Perhaps it cut me deeper than I realized
The weekend before classes started, I participated in a sort of welcome-back retreat for Intervarsity. One of my close friends explained something to me that brought clarity that I had been longing for throughout the summer; instead of wanting to shrink back and guard myself from a person completely, I should reach out to them and treat them like I normally would. It's not forcing them to be best friends, but not allowing our differences to get in the way of interaction. In other words, it's loving boldly. Right now, I don't understand all of what that means, but it's refreshing; especially whenever the other alternative would be trying my hardest to avoid pain, which almost never works.
My second goal is to be intentional with my words, and not allow potential reactions to say what I need to say. Simply put, I don't want to beat around the bush anymore. If I want something, I need to ask for it; it doesn't mean that I'll get it, but it's better to have an answer than to speculate.
I'm not going to make any predictions about what this semester will bring; it's so much easier to embrace things as they happen, and not put too much faith in people or circumstances for the sake of happiness. I do think that I am entering into a new season in my life, one that I don't have a whole lot of previous experience with. It'll be interesting to see how I grow as a person and where God takes me in that time.
With that, here's to junior year, and all the blessings, lessons, and growth that will come with it!
August 25, 2012
August 09, 2012
What About Now? Part 1
I did write something very similar to this a little over a year ago, about the questions and uncertainties surrounding my beliefs. In that year, I took a lot of time to think, pray, discuss, and ultimately grow. Although it's already evident in my other posts, I felt moved to share more about my journey in a much deeper way, particularly in the wake of celebrating seven years of being a Christian. My intention is not to tell anyone what to do or how to live, but rather, to share what I have discovered and learned up to this point. And believe me when I say that it has been a lot! While the following may seem somewhat repetative, it goes a lot deeper into things that I wasn't ready to share the last time.
For starters, I'm starting to think that it wasn't so much God Himself that I was questioning; rather, it was the Church and whether or not I was "good enough" to belong in it. But in order to explain that, let me back track a little bit.
From eighth grade and all through high school, my youth group and church activities were how I associated with God; in other words, when those activities were going strong, my faith was strong. When I would come home from a retreat or just from a weekly get together, that euphoria would fade and the frustration would set in. I hardly knew anything about how reading the Bible or prayer played a role in it; at least compared to what I know now.
Two years later, I became aware of a different side to Christianity; the kind that said if you did not hold conservative ideals, you were not a true Believer. It was both a mixture of church gossip, Catholic high school education, the wonderful world of social media, and pointing fingers.
While my parents had (and still have) their own opinions about important issues, neither I or my siblings was raised to have a specific stance on any of them. My question was, do I just go along with what everyone else around me says, even though I may not agree with them? Or, do I voice my concerns and risk being made a complete outsider?
And I'll be honest, watching my close friend go down a dark path did effect my viewpoint as well. Or maybe it was everyone else's reaction to my feelings about the situation; it seemed like a lot of people looked down on me because of how I was hurting. Then again, hardly anyone knew about the conversations we had, or how much of a positive influence he had been on me. Throughout that time, I felt a whisper, as though God was telling me "love him the way he loved you when you were at the bottom." I think our Moms were the only two that genuinely understood that.
It all got to be too much for me to handle; on the outside, I appeared fine. But on the inside, I was going into a spiritual coma.
Yes, my prespective of things at that time was a little skewed; I was sixteen, still struggling with self-esteem and often falling into many depressive funks from 2006 to 2011. Yes, it would have been a lot easier to sit down and get everything off of my chest, but I was too afraid. I didn't know if I could take rejection from those whom had one professed to care about me. I wanted to be loved an accepted, something that I hadn't gotten at school or any place else.
It was at this time that I should have come to the conclusion that I was not fully healed; that I still needed to learn how to love myself, and be content in God's love for me before I asked that of others. That healing would not begin until late 2011, early 2012, and is still an ongoing process.
A few weeks after I started college, I mustered the energy to start trying some of the faith-based student groups on campus, two of which were recommended by those I knew from home. I did my best to have an open mind about it, and the encouragement from my Mom definitely helped.
Yet, I couldn't shake the fact that neither of them felt right for me; there was little or no time for personal connection, because they took place in these big areas with mass amounts of people. Second, there was so much emphasis put on being different, or being on one side versus the other. But the one thing that put a knot in my stomach was that many of the people in those groups didn't seem authentic or genuine; in other words, everybody seemed perfect or damn near close to it, and that intimidated me a great deal.
I don't mean to say that those organizations are bad or anything of the sort. But I was at a place in my life where I was trying to get used to so many things all at once, and I was also curious about the nightlife culture. I was wrestling with many questions that for a long time I was scared to ask, and needed a safe place in order to ask those questions. I just didn't feel safe within those groups.
For the next six months, I put it on the backburner. I wrote letters to God in my journal, which is something I still do today. There were many nights that I spent praying to Him about what was on my heart; more notably, my first (and thus far, my only) serious crush that I've had in college.
And there were also many prayers lifted up through teary eyes and a confused heart. I had moments where I had to let go of people that I had met and grown close to; some were only for a little while, others were for good.
However, I won't pretend that I didn't do anything crazy in the midst of all that. Most of the time, it was either to satisfy a curiosity or to forget how stressed out and frustrated I was. What I did was actually not as bad as what I thought about doing. Some nights were actually fun, others not so much. I'll get more in depth about it in the second part of this series.
What I didn't know is that God was leading me to a place that I could not have imagined going; and the catalyst of it all would happen in the form of a roommate situation gone completely down the drain.
It would be the most stressful experience I've had in the last two years. But it was a much needed wake-up call.
For starters, I'm starting to think that it wasn't so much God Himself that I was questioning; rather, it was the Church and whether or not I was "good enough" to belong in it. But in order to explain that, let me back track a little bit.
From eighth grade and all through high school, my youth group and church activities were how I associated with God; in other words, when those activities were going strong, my faith was strong. When I would come home from a retreat or just from a weekly get together, that euphoria would fade and the frustration would set in. I hardly knew anything about how reading the Bible or prayer played a role in it; at least compared to what I know now.
Two years later, I became aware of a different side to Christianity; the kind that said if you did not hold conservative ideals, you were not a true Believer. It was both a mixture of church gossip, Catholic high school education, the wonderful world of social media, and pointing fingers.
While my parents had (and still have) their own opinions about important issues, neither I or my siblings was raised to have a specific stance on any of them. My question was, do I just go along with what everyone else around me says, even though I may not agree with them? Or, do I voice my concerns and risk being made a complete outsider?
And I'll be honest, watching my close friend go down a dark path did effect my viewpoint as well. Or maybe it was everyone else's reaction to my feelings about the situation; it seemed like a lot of people looked down on me because of how I was hurting. Then again, hardly anyone knew about the conversations we had, or how much of a positive influence he had been on me. Throughout that time, I felt a whisper, as though God was telling me "love him the way he loved you when you were at the bottom." I think our Moms were the only two that genuinely understood that.
It all got to be too much for me to handle; on the outside, I appeared fine. But on the inside, I was going into a spiritual coma.
Yes, my prespective of things at that time was a little skewed; I was sixteen, still struggling with self-esteem and often falling into many depressive funks from 2006 to 2011. Yes, it would have been a lot easier to sit down and get everything off of my chest, but I was too afraid. I didn't know if I could take rejection from those whom had one professed to care about me. I wanted to be loved an accepted, something that I hadn't gotten at school or any place else.
It was at this time that I should have come to the conclusion that I was not fully healed; that I still needed to learn how to love myself, and be content in God's love for me before I asked that of others. That healing would not begin until late 2011, early 2012, and is still an ongoing process.
A few weeks after I started college, I mustered the energy to start trying some of the faith-based student groups on campus, two of which were recommended by those I knew from home. I did my best to have an open mind about it, and the encouragement from my Mom definitely helped.
Yet, I couldn't shake the fact that neither of them felt right for me; there was little or no time for personal connection, because they took place in these big areas with mass amounts of people. Second, there was so much emphasis put on being different, or being on one side versus the other. But the one thing that put a knot in my stomach was that many of the people in those groups didn't seem authentic or genuine; in other words, everybody seemed perfect or damn near close to it, and that intimidated me a great deal.
I don't mean to say that those organizations are bad or anything of the sort. But I was at a place in my life where I was trying to get used to so many things all at once, and I was also curious about the nightlife culture. I was wrestling with many questions that for a long time I was scared to ask, and needed a safe place in order to ask those questions. I just didn't feel safe within those groups.
For the next six months, I put it on the backburner. I wrote letters to God in my journal, which is something I still do today. There were many nights that I spent praying to Him about what was on my heart; more notably, my first (and thus far, my only) serious crush that I've had in college.
And there were also many prayers lifted up through teary eyes and a confused heart. I had moments where I had to let go of people that I had met and grown close to; some were only for a little while, others were for good.
However, I won't pretend that I didn't do anything crazy in the midst of all that. Most of the time, it was either to satisfy a curiosity or to forget how stressed out and frustrated I was. What I did was actually not as bad as what I thought about doing. Some nights were actually fun, others not so much. I'll get more in depth about it in the second part of this series.
What I didn't know is that God was leading me to a place that I could not have imagined going; and the catalyst of it all would happen in the form of a roommate situation gone completely down the drain.
It would be the most stressful experience I've had in the last two years. But it was a much needed wake-up call.
August 04, 2012
Stream Of Consciousness: Between Seasons
Near the end of July, I moved my furniture and most of my things into my new apartment. A couple of days ago, I finished up with my summer class. In about two weeks, I'll be heading back up to school to begin my junior year at college.
Wow!
Lately I've been feeling a mixture of both excitement and reserve. I realize that I shouldn't allow my past experiences (or relationships) to determine what is current, and/or what will be in the future, and that is not what I intend to do. However, I would be lying if I said that sophomore year, or even the last two years, had somewhat of an influence on my way of thinking. They were tough. They will filled with more stress than I originally anticipated. But they also allowed me to experience and learn about things that have enabled me to become the person that I am right now.
Which is why I have to remind myself that I do know more than I think I do. And even though my insecurities do come out every once in awhile, that's OK. It's OK to not have a plan about how I'm going to go about the semester or what is going to happen. When I'm only able to see what's right in front of me, I stop being dependent on my circumstances or the people in my life; instead, I have faith that I am where I'm supposed to be, and that everything happens both for a reason, and when the time is right.
And if nothing else, that's my goal: to stop wanting so much, at least to the point where it becomes unrealistic. Freshman year was the year of experience, and sophomore year was the year of learning. If I could pick a word for this year, it would be embrace; embrace what makes me who I am, as opposed to trying to appear to be someone I'm not. To cherish the people that I truly feel comfortable with and vice versa. To just find joy as life unfolds, rather than try to plan and figure out what's coming next.
I am in between seasons, where I've realized that I am only in control of so much. While I'm not going to make any predictions at the moment, I do have a strong feeling that it's going to be full of things that I haven't done before, or at least not a lot.
Right now, I my life isn't being dominated by school work or a to-do list. It's at a pause, and for the next two weeks, I'm going to enjoy it.
Wow!
Lately I've been feeling a mixture of both excitement and reserve. I realize that I shouldn't allow my past experiences (or relationships) to determine what is current, and/or what will be in the future, and that is not what I intend to do. However, I would be lying if I said that sophomore year, or even the last two years, had somewhat of an influence on my way of thinking. They were tough. They will filled with more stress than I originally anticipated. But they also allowed me to experience and learn about things that have enabled me to become the person that I am right now.
Which is why I have to remind myself that I do know more than I think I do. And even though my insecurities do come out every once in awhile, that's OK. It's OK to not have a plan about how I'm going to go about the semester or what is going to happen. When I'm only able to see what's right in front of me, I stop being dependent on my circumstances or the people in my life; instead, I have faith that I am where I'm supposed to be, and that everything happens both for a reason, and when the time is right.
And if nothing else, that's my goal: to stop wanting so much, at least to the point where it becomes unrealistic. Freshman year was the year of experience, and sophomore year was the year of learning. If I could pick a word for this year, it would be embrace; embrace what makes me who I am, as opposed to trying to appear to be someone I'm not. To cherish the people that I truly feel comfortable with and vice versa. To just find joy as life unfolds, rather than try to plan and figure out what's coming next.
I am in between seasons, where I've realized that I am only in control of so much. While I'm not going to make any predictions at the moment, I do have a strong feeling that it's going to be full of things that I haven't done before, or at least not a lot.
Right now, I my life isn't being dominated by school work or a to-do list. It's at a pause, and for the next two weeks, I'm going to enjoy it.
July 31, 2012
Small Moment, Special Day
I've come to believe that you know you've met someone special when you can remember the smallest of details regarding the day you met. You know you've met someone important when you can recall the memories that you made with them, as though they happened recently rather than seven years ago. And you know they will always matter to you when you find yourself not only thinking about them, but praying for them.
This poem is not about any kind of wishing or hoping. This is about thanking a friend for what he has done for me, and thanking God for bringing this person into my life. There have been many up's and downs, but I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever. It is not something I talk about openly with other people, but today I celebrate someone that meant a lot to me, and still does.
This poem is not about any kind of wishing or hoping. This is about thanking a friend for what he has done for me, and thanking God for bringing this person into my life. There have been many up's and downs, but I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever. It is not something I talk about openly with other people, but today I celebrate someone that meant a lot to me, and still does.
When There Was You
I remember the day
you reached your hand out to me
Years ago it was, but
clear as yesterday
Out in the middle of
nowhere we were
Learning and living
by faith
I was young and lost
without a clue in the world
How to stand up and
pull myself together
Even though you
helped me to hang on
I’m sure you didn’t
know either
For all the laughs we
shared
And all the memories
we made
All the moments we
spent sharing our hearts
The love and
friendship we gave
No I don’t regret the
days of when there was you
There were times when
times when you stumbled and fell
I didn’t understand
All I felt was hurt
and confusion
Knowing how close we
were as friends
But I needed that
time apart
And we both needed
time to grow
I’m no longer a girl
and you’re now a man
With struggles and
responsibilities
trying to set our own paths and follow our
dreams
But I’m still in the
process of learning
From the times of
when there was you
We all have those
special people
Who may not always
have a physical place in our lives
But leave the deepest
of footprints on our hearts
A sense of love and
admiration that will never fade
Regardless of how
many days go by
Or who we become
I’ll remember it
always
We’ve charted
different courses
And exchanges of
words seem few
But still I lift you
up in prayer
For you success,
along with gratitude
Perhaps one day if
God wills it so
We’ll find each other
once more
Joke around and talk
like we used to
Except there won’t be
pain or silence between us anymore
Just peace
But right now I’ll just
say thank you
For the years that we
were given
It changed my life
and taught me well
When there was you
July 28, 2012
A Sobering Truth
I can't remember where I was exactly when I heard the horrific news about the tragedy in Aurora, Colorado. At first, I didn't believe it, because it happened in a crowded movie theatre as opposed to a high school or a college campus. The gravity of it all didn't register until a few nights ago, when I learned that there had been not one, but multiple people from my hometown that were either injured or lost their lives. I didn't sleep for most of that night, and cried on and off the following day.
This is not the first time that something like this affected me in such a way. But it's not so much that I simply feel heartbroken this time around. Rather, I feel haunted.
I was having a conversation with a woman after church on Sunday, and we were discussing just how unbelievable it was, and still is. She said something that I have not been able to get out of my head since: that nothing is ever completely safe, at least not anymore.
Things like this are no longer just a reminder of the fragility of life. They're no longer a reminder just how deep and dark hatred can be. For many, a sense of innocence and normalcy has been lost.
I have found myself asking, "why?" Not exactly why this happened, for that there may never be a definite answer. The question that screams for address is "where do we go from here?" It is an issue so much deeper than gun control and comparing them with other murderous attacks. From this point on, how do we balance our lives not being completely skittish, while also realizing that we're not invincible?
I can't say that I won't not have a twinge of fear every time I go to see a movie. I'm not one that likes to sit in the back rows as it is, simply because it's hard to walk down the stairs, especially if there is a crowd. I will probably hold my breath for a little while, and be prepared to run if need be.
But I refuse to live in complete fear; I refuse to allow a heartless act of pure evil to keep me from experiencing joy and beauty.
And if there's one thing we should learn, it's to be aware. Not to be afraid necessarily, but aware. We're not invincible and we're certainly not promised tomorrow. All we can do is squeeze every moment out of life and savor it in the best way we know how. Yet, I do understand that it will take time and faith to be able to do so.
Right now, my prayer is that there may be light in the midst of darkness. That journalists, politicians, religious figures, and the like keep their biased opinions to themselves and allow those affected to mourn and heal. And that we may become one step closer to keeping these senseless acts from ever happening again.
Amen.
I have found myself asking, "why?" Not exactly why this happened, for that there may never be a definite answer. The question that screams for address is "where do we go from here?" It is an issue so much deeper than gun control and comparing them with other murderous attacks. From this point on, how do we balance our lives not being completely skittish, while also realizing that we're not invincible?
I can't say that I won't not have a twinge of fear every time I go to see a movie. I'm not one that likes to sit in the back rows as it is, simply because it's hard to walk down the stairs, especially if there is a crowd. I will probably hold my breath for a little while, and be prepared to run if need be.
But I refuse to live in complete fear; I refuse to allow a heartless act of pure evil to keep me from experiencing joy and beauty.
And if there's one thing we should learn, it's to be aware. Not to be afraid necessarily, but aware. We're not invincible and we're certainly not promised tomorrow. All we can do is squeeze every moment out of life and savor it in the best way we know how. Yet, I do understand that it will take time and faith to be able to do so.
Right now, my prayer is that there may be light in the midst of darkness. That journalists, politicians, religious figures, and the like keep their biased opinions to themselves and allow those affected to mourn and heal. And that we may become one step closer to keeping these senseless acts from ever happening again.
Amen.
July 22, 2012
Self-Care: Because I Like It
It's a shame how indulgence often has a negative connotation attached to it; although I suppose it would have to do with what you're exactly indulging in. In the past, I always felt like I had to come up with a reason to support everything I did. Basically, I did it because I needed to take care of myself. And if I didn't do it, I might just go a little crazy.
It seems like hobbies or any form of bliss either get put on the backburner, or you feel the need to explain why you do it in order for it to be justified. And if you don't explain yourself, you get talked down to or get a label slapped on your back: you're lazy. You're self-centered and materialistic. You have your head up in the clouds.
But whatever happened to doing something simply because it made you happy? Because it made you smile from ear to ear? And if that's true, why does anyone else's opinion matter? I'm not not referring to dangerous or unhealthy things, like binge drinking or getting yourself into sketchy situations. I'm referring to activities that when you partake in them, you feel a sense of peace, as though all is well with the world.
Personally, my indulgences include the following:
Elements from my childhood-I've made no secret of the fact that I love and adore all things Disney. But lately, I've discovered that there are many things I used to surround myself with, that subconsciously I haven't given up. I still swing out on the swing set in my backyard. I still listen to 90's boy-bands and can remember most of the lyrics. I get a kick out of the quirkiness that is the Wisconsin Dells and a lot of the other theme parks that I've been to.
The bottom line is that I'm willing to embrace life with a sense of childlike wonder; something that unfortunately, people try to desperately rid themselves of as they leave childhood behind. I do get the occasional "but you're almost twenty-one, shouldn't you have given this up by now?" There are times where the boring, bland side of my brain tosses around that idea. But you know what? If it's becoming socially acceptable for kids to grow up way too fast, for whatever reason, adults should be allowed to embrace their inner child as well.
Shopping/Dressing up/Glamour-I'm all for being bare-faced and wearing sweatpants, but I equally love getting dressed up for a night out or a special occasion. I'm no expert, but it's interesting to experiment with make-up and seeing the different looks that I can create for myself. I try to stick to what enhances my natural features and not cover my face with gobs of product. Clothing is also a favorite, but it can be frustrating because I'm petite, along with the fact that I want to look modest without looking dowdy or plain.
And while there is the assumption that fashion and beauty products promote greed and vanity, I've learned how to separate myself from all of that. As long as one doesn't build their entire life around their appearance, or base their worth on what they look like, it shouldn't be that big of a deal.
Getting together with friends and family-If there is one thing that I have learned to cherish in the last twenty years, it's making the most of every moment that you have, with those that mean the absolute world to you. Last year I realized that it wasn't about how often you made certain memories, but who those memories included. Nothing brings me more joy than seeing my family during birthdays or important holidays, and it always turns into somewhat of a gut-busting comedy special (and I mean that in an extremely positive and humorous way). I appreciate the nights when my friends and I can get together in someone's apartment and either bond over cheap wine or a good movie (sometimes both). And it's always an extra blessing when we get to catch up on life and just be real with one another. It's a good reminder that we're not put on this earth to go through life alone.
This year I'll be living in a new apartment; one that is definitely a lot nicer, and is also closer to campus. My hope is that it will be a place where everyone can feel welcome and safe. A place where they can kick back and enjoy themselves. And above all, a place where people can leave with a smile on their face. Perhaps it might seem unrealistic, but I'm all too familiar with not having that kind of place to go to. And instead of always looking for a "happy place", maybe it's time I be that place for someone else.
So if someone asks me why I want to do something, from now on I'm only going to sum it up in three simple words: because I like it.
It seems like hobbies or any form of bliss either get put on the backburner, or you feel the need to explain why you do it in order for it to be justified. And if you don't explain yourself, you get talked down to or get a label slapped on your back: you're lazy. You're self-centered and materialistic. You have your head up in the clouds.
But whatever happened to doing something simply because it made you happy? Because it made you smile from ear to ear? And if that's true, why does anyone else's opinion matter? I'm not not referring to dangerous or unhealthy things, like binge drinking or getting yourself into sketchy situations. I'm referring to activities that when you partake in them, you feel a sense of peace, as though all is well with the world.
Personally, my indulgences include the following:
Elements from my childhood-I've made no secret of the fact that I love and adore all things Disney. But lately, I've discovered that there are many things I used to surround myself with, that subconsciously I haven't given up. I still swing out on the swing set in my backyard. I still listen to 90's boy-bands and can remember most of the lyrics. I get a kick out of the quirkiness that is the Wisconsin Dells and a lot of the other theme parks that I've been to.
The bottom line is that I'm willing to embrace life with a sense of childlike wonder; something that unfortunately, people try to desperately rid themselves of as they leave childhood behind. I do get the occasional "but you're almost twenty-one, shouldn't you have given this up by now?" There are times where the boring, bland side of my brain tosses around that idea. But you know what? If it's becoming socially acceptable for kids to grow up way too fast, for whatever reason, adults should be allowed to embrace their inner child as well.
Shopping/Dressing up/Glamour-I'm all for being bare-faced and wearing sweatpants, but I equally love getting dressed up for a night out or a special occasion. I'm no expert, but it's interesting to experiment with make-up and seeing the different looks that I can create for myself. I try to stick to what enhances my natural features and not cover my face with gobs of product. Clothing is also a favorite, but it can be frustrating because I'm petite, along with the fact that I want to look modest without looking dowdy or plain.
And while there is the assumption that fashion and beauty products promote greed and vanity, I've learned how to separate myself from all of that. As long as one doesn't build their entire life around their appearance, or base their worth on what they look like, it shouldn't be that big of a deal.
Getting together with friends and family-If there is one thing that I have learned to cherish in the last twenty years, it's making the most of every moment that you have, with those that mean the absolute world to you. Last year I realized that it wasn't about how often you made certain memories, but who those memories included. Nothing brings me more joy than seeing my family during birthdays or important holidays, and it always turns into somewhat of a gut-busting comedy special (and I mean that in an extremely positive and humorous way). I appreciate the nights when my friends and I can get together in someone's apartment and either bond over cheap wine or a good movie (sometimes both). And it's always an extra blessing when we get to catch up on life and just be real with one another. It's a good reminder that we're not put on this earth to go through life alone.
This year I'll be living in a new apartment; one that is definitely a lot nicer, and is also closer to campus. My hope is that it will be a place where everyone can feel welcome and safe. A place where they can kick back and enjoy themselves. And above all, a place where people can leave with a smile on their face. Perhaps it might seem unrealistic, but I'm all too familiar with not having that kind of place to go to. And instead of always looking for a "happy place", maybe it's time I be that place for someone else.
So if someone asks me why I want to do something, from now on I'm only going to sum it up in three simple words: because I like it.
July 14, 2012
Stream Of Consciousness: Slugging Along
It has been a slow week; after getting back from Wisconsin last Sunday night, all I wanted to do in the following days was lie around and empty my mind of all the thoughts and stresses. I had a lot to catch up on as far as school work and daily chores, but most of the time I didn't feel like I was being incredibly productive. And if there's one thing I don't like, it's having a multitude of days where productivity just doesn't happen. On top of that, I had a test yesterday where according to the internet, I did not do well on. But as the saying goes, all you can do is get up, dust yourself off, and keep going.
I wrote my brother a letter for the first time since he left for Basic Training. From what I've gathered based on pictures that have been posted on Facebook (not by him, but by photographers that take pictures and put them on some kind of website), along with other letters he has written, he is doing pretty well out there. On Monday morning he'll be marching three miles to Jack's Valley and spending the next couple of weeks in what he described as "pure hell." I'm not sure what that means exactly, but all I know is that I couldn't be more proud of him for choosing to do what he is doing.
It never dawned on me until recently just how much I admire him for going to into the Air Force. Although there are other members of my family that have served in other branches of the military, I never got to hear very much about what they did, or see videos/pictures of it, or miss them each and every day while they were gone. When you have a parent or a sibling choosing to serve, you get to see a lot more of it up close, and therefore, the impact is a lot bigger. And not that my brother and I were particularly close, but it's strange not having him around. On the flip side, I do get to see him over Labor Day weekend, thankfully!
In two weeks, I will unofficially be moving into my new apartment; that is, moving my furniture in and getting everything set up. Don't get me wrong, I've very excited to be starting this new sub-chapter in my life, but I don't want to look too far forward into the future or think that living on my own is going to be the answer to everything. That has always been one of my biggest weaknesses; being overly dependent on my circumstances and having high expectations. I think it's because I am very much a dreamer and tend to paint a picture of what a situation would be like if it were completely perfect. But I've learned the hard way that what we want and what we actually get are two different things.
My goal from here on out is not to lower my expectations, but to not have any expectations at all. Instead, I want to be in the present moment and find joy in each day as it unfolds, and to be open to whatever God has in store for me. Despite my insecurities flaring up from time to time, there is really nothing worth over-thinking about or worrying about.
For now, I have other things to focus on; I have three and a half weeks of class left, and am working on editing a story of mine that I plan on submitting for publication once I am done with it. I'd like to make a couple of ventures into the city, and catch up with a few other friends from home before the summer is over. I'm continuing to grow spiritually and becoming more grounded in my beliefs.
When life moves a little bit more slowly than usual, sometimes it can get a little frustrating. But it enables me to focus on the here and now, which when it all comes down to it, is all I have.
I wrote my brother a letter for the first time since he left for Basic Training. From what I've gathered based on pictures that have been posted on Facebook (not by him, but by photographers that take pictures and put them on some kind of website), along with other letters he has written, he is doing pretty well out there. On Monday morning he'll be marching three miles to Jack's Valley and spending the next couple of weeks in what he described as "pure hell." I'm not sure what that means exactly, but all I know is that I couldn't be more proud of him for choosing to do what he is doing.
It never dawned on me until recently just how much I admire him for going to into the Air Force. Although there are other members of my family that have served in other branches of the military, I never got to hear very much about what they did, or see videos/pictures of it, or miss them each and every day while they were gone. When you have a parent or a sibling choosing to serve, you get to see a lot more of it up close, and therefore, the impact is a lot bigger. And not that my brother and I were particularly close, but it's strange not having him around. On the flip side, I do get to see him over Labor Day weekend, thankfully!
In two weeks, I will unofficially be moving into my new apartment; that is, moving my furniture in and getting everything set up. Don't get me wrong, I've very excited to be starting this new sub-chapter in my life, but I don't want to look too far forward into the future or think that living on my own is going to be the answer to everything. That has always been one of my biggest weaknesses; being overly dependent on my circumstances and having high expectations. I think it's because I am very much a dreamer and tend to paint a picture of what a situation would be like if it were completely perfect. But I've learned the hard way that what we want and what we actually get are two different things.
My goal from here on out is not to lower my expectations, but to not have any expectations at all. Instead, I want to be in the present moment and find joy in each day as it unfolds, and to be open to whatever God has in store for me. Despite my insecurities flaring up from time to time, there is really nothing worth over-thinking about or worrying about.
For now, I have other things to focus on; I have three and a half weeks of class left, and am working on editing a story of mine that I plan on submitting for publication once I am done with it. I'd like to make a couple of ventures into the city, and catch up with a few other friends from home before the summer is over. I'm continuing to grow spiritually and becoming more grounded in my beliefs.
When life moves a little bit more slowly than usual, sometimes it can get a little frustrating. But it enables me to focus on the here and now, which when it all comes down to it, is all I have.
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