Stream of Consciousness #14

I am now back on campus, living with my roommate in our newly decorated apartment. I'm glad that I moved in a few days ago as opposed to waiting until the weekend, being that I'm still somewhat tired from moving everything in and organizing. At the same time I'm getting a little anxious to get into a routine, so I'm thankful that classes will begin on Monday. 

As I write this, it has been about two and a half days since I moved in; for the most part, things are going pretty smoothly. I haven't gone out on the town yet, but hopefully that will change within the next two weekends. At the moment I'm just getting used to living independently (and by that I mean grocery shopping and cooking along with it). 

The place itself is livable, to put it mildly. However, one thing I've most definitely learned is that just because something is cheap doesn't mean that it's necessarily good. While we were moving furniture in,  our Dad's took a good pass around the place and discovered problems that we didn't think a whole lot about when we were looking back in April. Granted, I realize that's not the smartest thing to do, but we were on a budget as well as a deadline. 

Out of the things that either need improvement or complete fixing, the one thing that genuinely bothers me is the security (or lack of it, I should say). Hopefully we'll get all of it figured out by sometime next week.

But when it all comes down to it, I love being a "big girl" if you want to put it that way. I especially adore my bedroom, where whoever walks into it will probably be able to tell what kind of person I am right now off the bat. And let's not forget that I have one of the most comfortable lounge chairs that I have ever relaxed on in my life!

In the midst of all that, I do remember that I am here first and foremost to get in education. And along with that, I also have goals; there are many, some which might seem rather cliche or are most realistic for freshman college students. So here are the most important ones:

1. Getting (and staying) organized-One of the main keys to success, especially in terms of academics is knowing what needs to get done and when. I've found that when I do something right when I think of it, I decrease the chances of putting it off until later. On the other hand, there are times where I've become overwhelmed at just how much I need to accomplish by the end of the week, or at least a specific period of time. (I actually had a freak-out moment in regards to that just recently, but everything is fine). So I try and split things up in order of importance. 

2. Just Ask-In retrospect, this is a very simple thing to do, yet I made it a lot harder. When it comes to both living it at home and away, I have struggled with being able to ask for something. Whether it be for help or a favor, I was afraid to do it. I didn't want to intrude on other people's lives or become a burden to them; this was (and still is) especially true for my family and close friends. There are people that I met last year that I wanted to spend time with outside of just having class together or running into each other; but again, for some reason I was intimidated enough not to ask them to hang out. The worst thing that can happen in any of these situations is that they either can't or they won't. That is life. 

3. Write and set goals for myself in terms of my career-Now is the time where I need to start looking for internships and looking into serious writing opportunities. I didn't do much of that during my first year because I didn't want to get ahead of myself and I was still adjusting to life on campus. But now that I've become accustomed, I need to put a bit more effort into my future career. 


With all of that being said, I am not sure how often I will be able to blog once school starts. I'm aiming for at least once a week, on the day that I have few classes, but I have no way of completely predicting how heavy my workload will be or what my schedule will be like. So if there aren't many posts for awhile, please bear with me.

Here is to the hopes, the memories and for whatever lies ahead for me this semester!

It's The Little Things Part 1

“Every artist was first an amateur.”

To be an artist one has to find beauty in ordinary things. Find 10 things of great beauty in the landscape that surrounds you. For example, crumple sheets on your bed in the morning, the smell of coffee making its way around a busy office.

It seems like in the last week or so we have been surrounded by constant negativity; the stock market is in limbo and there are frequent doubts as to whether or not we are headed for another recession. Our government leaders are doing the best to reassure us that they have the best interest of the American people, but it does not seem that way at all. Everything in the news these days is often so dark and grim, leading me to ask, along with many other people, "what exactly is this world coming to?" 

It's times like these where I literally have to take a step back and re-count my blessings; I realize that this is incredibly cliche, but sometimes I get so wrapped up in all this worry and what-if that I forget about all the wonderful things that I am surrounded by. They're small and at times are difficult to pick out in the hustle and bustle of life, but nonetheless they're there. 

1. Having a Cup of Coffee in the morning-This has become part of my routine since eighth grade; it is the reason why I tend to get up early in the morning, just to have an hour or so to myself before everyone else is awake. There is no rushing around trying to complete morning tasks along with attempting to wake up. During this time I normally watch my soap operas (don't laugh) or catch up on whatever shows are on my DVR at the moment. Other times I read, write in my journal or blog.

2. Taking a shower-Sometimes it's before I have coffee and other times it's afterward. But there really is nothing like taking a hot shower, whether it be to start the day or end it. 

3. Swinging-I have a swingset in my backyard, one that would normally have stopped being used once my siblings and I grew older. However, that was not the case for me. I still like to swing on my swingset, listening to my ipod and allowing my mind to wander for a little while. I could do it for hours if I wanted to. It's nice just to be outside, especially with the view of the lake. 

4. The lake itself-When I was very young, I used to think that God either put diamonds in the water or sprinkled glitter on top of it. In reality, however, it was just the sun reflecting off the water. I didn't go swimming in it this summer as much as I normally would. On the hottest of days I was at work, and then during the rainy ones I would be stuck sitting inside. But I do think it is one of the most beautiful things about the property that we live on. Natural bodies of water don't bother me very much at all. And although the yard and the house is often a lot to take care of, I believe that it's worth it. 

5. Mom's flower garden-I absolutely love flowers; Mom has several gardens planted in the backyard and every once in awhile she'll pick some and put them in a vase in the kitchen. When I went through a photography phase (I literally took pictures of everything in the backyard), flowers took up the majority of the pictures. They're a major staple in my current bedroom and will continue to be when I move into my apartment.

6. Books-Once again, I am probably stating the obvious, but I love to read. My closet is full of them, and whenever I go to the library. It's a shame that some don't care to pick up a book unless they absolutely have to; I understand that everybody has their personal preferences, but I feel like I've learned a heck of a lot more about life from reading books as opposed to TV. 

7. Family Photo albums/home videos- I haven't been looking at either as of late, mostly because it makes me cry to the point where it's difficult for me not to look obvious that I'm crying. But there are so many memories of my childhood, from crazy holiday get-togethers to vacations filled with happenings that we still talk about to this very day. But there are moments where I struggle with understanding that I'm no longer a kid anymore; that I am now an adult and I have to take on adult responsibilities. But I feel blessed and fortunate enough to have gotten to do so many amazing things, and have grown up with wonderful people around me. 

8. My pets-They're no longer small enough to carry around and can be huge pain in the necks, but I adore having them around. It's nice to give hugs and kisses and not get any complaints (well, for the most part anyway). 

9. My Disney movie collection-I still watch Disney movies, probably more this past summer then ever. Somehow watching them always makes me smile, especially the princess ones. Those are definitely coming with me to my apartment as well.

10. My bed-In the past I have always taken having a warm bed to sleep in for granted. There are so many people who don't get to come home to warm, clean blankets; sometimes not even their own mattress. So that is definitely something that is beautiful. 

There are always things to be grateful for and to appreciate. It is just a matter of taking the time and effort to look for them.

Intuition Is A Powerful Thing

Now what would happen if my intuition were an actual person?

The secret of fortune is joy in our hands. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you could picture your intuition as a person, what would he or she look like? If you sat down together for dinner, what is the first thing he or she would tell you?

My intuition, just looking at her from a small distance, would appear to be very interesting. She would wear a black and white polka-dotted dress, an indication most of the choices and decisions that I find myself making within my life are not as complicated as they seem. She wears a pink jacket over the dress, along with a pink floppy hat to match. Beneath the pink hat one can see her black old-school, cat-eyed sunglasses. And if you look close enough, there is a small diamond necklace around her neck.  She says she has something important that she has to tell me. 

We sit down at a nice Italian restaurant; I would have preferred to order penne pasta with vodka sauce and tiny sausages (my new favorite dish as of late), but from the look on her face, it's probably best just to go with the bread for now. 

What she'll tell me in the following conversation is no-hold's barred with no amount of sugar on it. It''s not clean and it's not pretty. But in the end, it does make a lot of sense. 


"All right, sweetheart, let's get down to business. You're not listening to me. Or should I say, you're not being completely honest with yourself." 


"What do you mean? I listen to you. Didn't I choose education over friends when it came to choosing which high school to go to? Didn't I go to the college that made me happy as opposed to what would have been physically easier to get around on?" 


"Yes, and those have turned out to be wonderful decisions. But I'm not talking about school here. I'm talking about dating, falling in love and all that stuff that you tend to make more difficult than it actually is."


"Oh, right. It's not that I don't listen to you, it's just that I want to give the guy a chance." 


"Honey, it's one thing to give a guy the benefit of the doubt if you have a decent feeling about it. But if your stomach is in knots from the moment you meet him, and all you're thinking about is that it probably won't end well, then it's best to cut your losses while you can."


"But what if he's just trying to get to know me?"


"If he asks about your virginity and just how far you've gone within a short time of meeting you, more than likely he doesn't want to get to know you. He wants to get to know your body and eventually get into your pants."


I don't say anything for a little bit, knowing that she's right. "Well, I have made up a list of standards!" I want so badly to change the subject already. 


"Lady, it's about damn time!" she laughs. "Now tell me about them?" 


I name off the five standards that I have come up with in the last couple weeks. 


She nods approvingly. "Can I ask, what in the hell took you so long?"


"I was afraid that I would be expecting too much." 


"I could give you an entire list of what expecting too much really is, but that's not the point of this conversation. Another problem is that you're often afraid, especially of your own feelings. And you shouldn't be."


"But what if I do or say something at the wrong time? And what if my feelings don't meaning anything at all? That's what I'm afraid of." 


"Number one, if you don't know when another opportunity is going to come, maybe it's best to just do or say what you need to say while you have the chance. Number two, a good feeling is never worth fighting off. Sometimes you just can't help it." 


I nod and slowly take in what she just said. 


"Al, you know deep down who you are and the kind of woman that you want to become. You have the power and the ability to become that person. It's just a matter of listening to yourself and having the courage to follow through with it." 


Intuition is a very powerful thing, isn't it?

Stream of Consciousness #13

I may sound as though I'm bragging when I say this, but I consider myself to have a pretty good memory. Not necessarily in the sense that I have the ability to remember the answer to every single question on a test, but more or less that I can recall the smallest of things from a particular memory. For instance, in some cases I remember vivid details of meeting certain friends, from the exact date that it was down to what we were both wearing that day. 


I have always wondered why that happens; why some memories get stuck in my head and others just simply fade away. It is some kind of omen that whoever is a part of that memory will become a significant person in my life? Or does it just occur for no specific reason at all? 


There was a time when I was afraid to say that I had a best friend or a group of best friends, because I didn't want anybody in my life to feel excluded. I wanted all my loved ones to feel like they meant a lot to me, because I once knew what it was like to think that no one cared at all. But then I began to understand that it's not always possible to be insanely close to every single person that you know; you're not always going to mesh with them, and some don't turn out to be trustworthy. 


The more I think about it, the more I realize that there are definitely people that I would prefer to be stranded on a desert island with more than anyone else. There are specific things that I sometimes wait to do, simply because I want a specific person(s) with me when I do it. You get the idea, right?


People say that you should learn to be your own person before you choose to be with someone else, and that you should know how to survive on your own. There is truth in that, but only to a certain extent. 


I'd like to think that having people in my life doesn't necessarily fill me, but it does make happier to have them there. I don't completely imitate them, but they do make me want to be a better person in my own right. And there's just something about them that brings a smile to my face; they have a type of energy that makes me want to be around them all the time.


And because of all that, they each have an important and special place in my heart. 


My family has often told me that I take general relationships too seriously; I fight too hard to spend time those that I care about and that I'm never willing to let go, even when they prove they don't give a damn about me. Both parts of those statements have been a struggle, but I have learned a lot, especially within the past year.


Don't expect too much, but rather cherish the time that you have. Know how to be honest and know how to forgive. Know when to fight and know when to let the friendship run its own course. 


There's no denying that friends will come and go out of your life; but the truest of them all will be standing in the doorway, regardless if you can see them or not.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Picking Up The Pen

What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know I. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I once received a fortune cookie that read: “Speak less of your plans, you’ll get more done.” What’s one project that you’ve been sitting on and thinking about but haven’t made progress on? What’s stopping you? What would happen if you actually went for it and did it?

Day 10-Speak Less


I have not done a whole lot of writing this summer, aside from blogging. There have been so many emotions, feelings and thoughts swirling around in my brain. From fictional story ideas to personal observations to poetry, it's all there. Yet I haven't really taken the time to get it all down, even in my private journal. It's not that I haven't had the time, energy, or even things to write about; it's actually a rarity for me to be at a loss for topics or ideas. 


There are two things that I always try to include in my writing: the first is elements of my own personality or certain experiences, if such applies. The second is a level of vulnerability and truth; when I write, I usually don't like to hold anything back, whether or not that concept pertains to language/word usage, opinions, etc. The way I see it, if you put a rein on yourself when you write, you're defeating the purpose of writing. And that purpose is to speak and to use your voice, regardless if you're trying to teach a lesson or just get something off of your chest. 


With that being said, it is important to be mindful of the fact that our words may come across as hurtful, and even more important to be considerate of how others might be effected by it. This is something that  I will most definitely elaborate on that more in my next entry. When I say "don't hold yourself back" when writing, I mean don't over-think about whether or not it will be considered "good." Personally, I tend to over think things before I even get them down on paper.


But there are times when the idea of being vulnerable scares the crap out of me, regardless if it's in person or in writing. I consider myself an open and honest person, with little to hide at that. Yet, laying all the cards out all the table can be jarring; until you say something, there's no way of knowing how someone will genuinely react to it. 


For instance, there is a specific topic that I've be wanting to blog about for quite some time, but haven't been sure as to how to introduce it. Whenever there would be media coverage on it, I felt a push to write about, yet never felt like I was ready. 


In terms of fictional pieces, most of the time the following questions go through my head: is this storyline/plot believable? Has this been done already? What can I do to make this story unique? They're good questions for any writer to ask, but are exhausting at the same time. A big part of me thinks it would be better to wait until I got back to school. 


And as far as my own personal thoughts? Maybe I just don't want to admit that I'm feeling a certain way about what's going on in my life. There are times where I would rather suck it up than rather break down and say that I'm not doing good. Not to mention I become easily distracted when I'm journaling and eventually get a hand cramp from writing so much. 


That's not healthy at all. 


My only answer is this: What people are often afraid to say are the things that need to be said; and the longer you hold it in, the more damage you're doing to yourself. 


Side question: does anyone else experience that kind of problem/difficulty?


                                                                                                                                                         

Throw It All Together and You Get...ME

Good and bad are but names very readily transferable to that or this; the only right is what is after my constitution, the only wrong what is against it. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

We are our most potent at our most ordinary. And yet most of us discount our “ordinary” because it is, well, ordinary. Or so we believe. But my ordinary is not yours. Three things block us from putting down our clever and picking up our ordinary: false comparisons with others (I’m not as good a writer as _____), false expectations of ourselves (I should be on the NYTimes best seller list or not write at all), and false investments in a story (it’s all been written before, I shouldn’t bother). What are your false comparisons? What are your false expectations? What are your false investments in a story? List them. Each keep you from that internal knowing about which Emerson writes. Each keeps you from making your strong offer to the world. Put down your clever, and pick up your ordinary.

Day 9-My Ordinary

I had to read this prompt several times in order to fully understand what the author was talking about. Even as I write this post, I'm only doing so based on my interpretation of what the author is saying. In a way, it's a continuation of my last post, so it might be best to read that one first. 

I have always been rather aware of the fact that I'm not exactly like everyone else. Not just physically, but on an emotional level as well. However, I've been on the fence when it comes to how I feel about it. It's not something that I'm ashamed of, but I not particularly proud of it either; and by proud, I mean it's something that allows me to be on a pedestal of some kind or to claim that I'm better than others because of it. 

Without being overly specific about it, I would say that my "ordinary" is very much a multitude of things. I have a lot of different interests and enjoying spending time with different groups of people. For example, I can be reading a book one day and then be outside throwing a football the next. It all very much depends on how I feel. 


When it comes to current events, I'm extremely middle of the road. It's not that I don't care to pick a side, it's just that I would like to understand what both sides of an issue are saying before I form an opinion. 


I believe in using kind words, but also have a tendency to be a bit of a smartass; I call it sweet, with a little bit of spice. 


I like variety and having options; that's why I chose to attend a public University as opposed to a small liberal arts college. 


It seems like a lot of young generations (including mine) are under so much pressure to define themselves and/or to be "different" from their peers. My question is, why is it such a big deal? Is there ever a point where a person says knows exactly who they are and has it all figured out? Like it or not, we all change at some point. 


When it comes to being unique and being different, people see it in their own time. I've seen a number of musical artists who appear to be moving heaven and earth to maintain their individuality, yet it's now coming into question as to whether they're being themselves, or just being flat out obnoxious. Take Lady Gaga, for example. I enjoy her music, but some of the songs that she's been releasing after "Born this way" don't make any sense to me. Which leads me to ask, do these songs have a particular message, or is it just for shock value?


And I mean no disrespect to her in any way whatsoever. I think she's got an incredible amount of talent. What I'm trying to say is that there is a line between trying to be your own person and being in everyone else's face about it. If you have a point to make or a message to spread, by all means do so. But at some point, some will become overwhelmed or annoyed and just not want to listen anymore.


But that is why I say just be. I'm not going to constantly worry about defining myself, because I know that I'm in no control over what other people think. Just because you put a label on yourself doesn't mean you'll fit into it.


A friend jokingly once told me, "Alyx, you're just too much to handle!" What can I say? That's just me!

Celebrating Myself and The Beauty of Being

Imitation is Suicide. Insist on yourself; never imitate. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Write down in which areas of your life you have to overcome these suicidal tendencies of imitation, and how you can transform them into a newborn you – one that doesn’t hide its uniqueness, but thrives on it. There is a “divine idea which each of us represents” – which is yours?


Day 8-Divine Idea


Imitation has always been somewhat of a weakness for me; there have been many periods in my life where I have wanted things, and I believed that the key to getting what I wanted was to base my actions off of those who already had them. For instance, when I was in middle school thought that acting older meant cursing like a sailor (thankfully, that was in sixth grade and it only lasted for a year). There was a time when I believed being beautiful meant wearing make-up, and a ton of it at that. Honestly, I can't think of a time where I didn't somehow slip into a particular pattern because that's what supposedly worked for everyone else.


But what I've learned about imitation is that somehow it will come back around and bite you where it hurts. Not because what you're doing is a terrible thing, but because it's just not who you are. People don't succeed by directly following in the footsteps of those who have gone before them; they succeed by working hard and allowing their own creativity and personality to shine in the process. 


There is the whole idea that people change, which to a degree is true. But when a person doesn't necessarily change for the better, they will eventually run into a wall. No matter what kind of experiences or struggles you have in life, you never completely forget your core values or who you are on the inside. 


For me, stepping away from imitation meant facing a few truths about myself. One of the most important ones is that I'm not quite like everyone else, and that I have somewhat of a different perspective than most people my age. I didn't want to admit those things because I didn't want it to sound like I was better than anybody (which, for the record, I'm not). I didn't want to separate myself from my peers, either, because I get the feeling that some are intimidated by me as it is. 


Which leads me to say that there are a lot of traits and aspects that make me unique. However, I would prefer not to mention every single one of them; not because I'm ashamed, but  because I would rather have people see those unique things in me as opposed to me spelling them out. Actions speak louder than words, so I find that it's always better to live something out than verbally proclaim it. Plus, there's no harm in being a little bit mysterious, is there?


They say that good things come in small packages. I can only hope that I might be a diamond in the rough; you know, they kind that you can't really find anywhere else.


I don't believe that there are necessary steps to finding a sense of uniqueness in oneself. You just how to allow yourself to be, and eventually certain things will be revealed through emotion and action. Don't worry about putting a particular label on it, or how you will appear in the eyes of others. If there's one thing I have learned, it's that you have little to no control over what others think of you. 


Never be afraid to celebrate the things that make up exactly who you are. Even if you don't know exactly who you are as a person, don't fret. You will figure it out eventually.