Words I'm Loving Lately

Technically, I am supposed to be on day five with this, but I've realized that doing it every single day isn't going to be possible. With finals week fast approaching, I need to focus on school and finding a job/internship for the summer season. So Instead of trying to do every prompt for the rest of the month, I will just respond to the prompts that I find most thought-worthy or  appealing.

What is your favorite quote (either by a person, book, etc). and tell us why you love it. 

This is so hard to choose; I could easily write a book on the combination of quotes/sayings that I adore and try to live by. But for now, I'll just give you the one that I feel like resonates most with where I'm at in my life right now: 

While I don't know how I feel about her personally, I relate to these words so much; For years, I have struggled with accepting myself exactly as I am rather than try to mold myself into who I think I'm supposed to be. It has been a battle, especially with tweets, status updates, photos, etc. and the ultimate fear of rejection in one way or another. It is a battle that I still fight, sometimes on a daily basis. 

I don't want to be perfect, or even close to it. I've been thinking a lot about what I have been through in my life and the pain that has come with it. Everybody has a little brokenness in themselves, and there are circumstances where it takes a long time to truly heal from all of it. But does mine only take root in past events, or does it also have to do with my bending over backwards trying to define myself, or at least do so in a way that looks good? 

I can say that I now know the answer to that one. 

A couple of days ago I was lamenting to one of my best friends about how I felt like I was constantly taking one step forward, then going two steps back. There's so much pressure to define yourself and find your identity in something, whether it be friends/family, God, a significant other, etc. Sometimes I have no idea what any of that means, much less how to go about doing it. 

But here's the thing: maybe it's time for me to stop trying to define myself and just be. I can't control anyone's perception of me as it is, so why try to put a label on it. 

For now, I don't see myself as completely whole, but not completely broken either. I'm simply...human. 

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What They Don't Tell You (As A Writer)

Day 2-What are you good at? 

I came close to wanting to discuss how to be hard-headed and stubborn, because other than writing, digging my heels in something that I am incredibly good at. But I'd rather focus on the more positive side of things, and I've learned so much this semester about writing, especially since being in the program. 

That being said, there is a lot of stuff that most professors or instructors don't tell you; not because it's a huge secret, but because they're things you often have to learn by experience and not by word of mouth. I'm not going to instruct anybody on how to go about the writing process, because every writer does it differently and therefore it doesn't always work for the rest of us. However, I would like to offer a few tips that make it a little less daunting. 

1. Let go of your inhibitions

Depending on their personality or the duration of the class, some professors or TA's will tell you to have your first draft of anything as polished and flushed out as much as possible. When it comes to spelling and grammar, you should always double check that. But when it comes to actually getting words onto paper or a screen, it's so much easier to just let go and write. The reason why it takes me so damn long to get a first draft done is because I'm constantly editing and and second-guessing myself. The goal of the initial first round is getting your ideas out of your head and getting something started. Don't think. Just write. 

2. Too much feedback can be dangerous 

The more I've gotten into writing, the more I understand that you do have to have thick skin; while criticism can and does sting sometimes, it can also make the revision process confusing and overwhelming. I've realized that I don't have a ton of time to read every single critique letter, so I'll either just rely on the notes I took during a workshop or the comments given to me by my teacher. I respect advice and opinions, but when I feel like I'm being pulled in a ton of different directions, I start to get frustrated over where I want the story to go and what I want it to mean. If you try to make every single little change because someone else tells you to, nothing good will come of it. Thankfully I've learned how to pick up on other people's writing style, and whether or not I truly agree with what they're saying. If I don't, I'm honest with myself about it and then I move on

3. Take breaks and take them often

One thing I've noticed, particularly this semester, is that there comes a point where my brain has simply had enough for that period of time. I get headaches when I constantly look at a computer screen for more than an hour. This past week I wrote two six page papers in a span of eight hours, and it was almost like I had pulled an all-nighter. It's very old school, but when I want to keep writing and can't do it on a computer, I take a notebook to a coffee shop and keep going. I absolutely love going for walks around campus, so I do that almost every day just to clear my head for a little bit. Next to making writing a habit, it's also important to know how to decompress from it. 

4. Find an Inspa-location 

Anyone who knows me well understands that I'm very much an extrovert, and tend to go stir-crazy when I'm indoors for insanely long periods of time. While I haven't done it yet, I'm looking forward to finding several places on campus where I can write, since I am staying here for the summer. That is, a place that is both a good space and motivates/inspires me to write. I have a feeling I'll get a lot more done that way, and maybe even crank out more ideas because of it. 

There you have it, your creative writing lesson for the day! While this does not qualify me to be a teacher, I sure hope it helps at least one person.

Junior Year in One Paragraph

I've decided to take part in the blogging challenge, "Every Day in May"! Each day in the next month, I will blog about whatever prompt is listed, but might change it up a little bit. For instance, today's topic is telling your life story in two hundred and fifty words or less. However, my life story is weaved in other posts on here, and since my junior year is drawing to a close, it seems perfect to try to sum up this academic year in just one paragraph. 

Day 1-Story

  Junior year began with caution; after the cluster you know what of sophomore year, I was trying not to set my expectations too high. I decided to live by myself in a one bedroom, and despite the fact that it’s a double edged sword, I am grateful to have a space that I can call my own. I continued with group therapy and joined a new Christian student organization on campus with one of my best friends, which were both difficult and edifying at the same time. I dated and always wished I was with someone else. In November I was accepted into the Creative Writing Track, a very prestigious program here at Iowa. Two weeks into second semester, I finally turned twenty one. I loved (and still do) being able to finally go out without having to do so before ten o’clock or sneak around. In a way, it was like freshman year all over again; so many new things and I didn’t know what to do with it all.  I danced a lot, drank a little, and even had my first kiss. In a month, my confidence level skyrocketed. I officially cut a relationship out of my life that had meant the world to me for the last seven and a half years. I realized that I still do struggle with depression and am learning how to love myself and not care so much about what others think. By being more open about my life, I think I’m opening new doors for myself. And I thank God for that.

I'll definitely write a more eloquent and detailed post about this in the near future, but for now this is what I would consider my third year of college in a nutshell. 

In The Cracks

Over spring break, a girl from my hometown passed away. She was the fifth person I knew of from the area that has died young in the last year and a half. Shortly after getting back to school, I learned that one of my former Girl Scout Troop leaders, as well as the mom of an old friend, had lost her battle with cancer. My TA for one of my classes then informed us that she had been diagnosed with an early stage of breast cancer and that we wouldn't be having a final exam. Nearly a week and a half later, the bombings in Boston happened. 

It has been a lot to take in, and I've started to wonder, how do we really go about not taking anything for granted in life? Is it possible to truly live and make the most of the moments that we have without ignoring personal pain? On one side, there's the acronym made famous by a popular rapper. On the other, there's the notion of having an "eternal mindset." Instead of trying to explain it all, I'll just let the poem do the talking. 

In The Cracks

Bombs flying

Buildings collapsing

She says she’s got cancer and the other is one breath away

From the other side

It seems like the world has been brought to its knees once again

And as much as I don’t want to ask what the hell or why

Together it doesn’t make sense

The short span of time

And so I’ve realized that real life

Is not just short, but precious

Like grains of sand coursing through my fingers

The question then becomes

How do you hold on when something moves so fast?

Which side do you choose when you’re standing in the cracks?

The side where the rocks are always moving

And you’re slipping and sliding

Living for the thrill of the unexpected adventure

Maybe not always doing everything right

But trusting God to guide you

Then there’s the smoothest path

The one without any roots to get stuck in

You never get scraped, or bruised, or burned

You just simply watch from the cracks

I don’t want to live by a silly acronym

Or wait till Jesus comes back

Is it possible to live for the moment, to not have any regrets?

At least without betraying beliefs

I’m not sure and I probably won’t ever be

And that’s OK

It’s silly to wait another five decades to live like I have nothing to lose

And spend time caring about what other people think

Love, forgive, and accept Grace

Inhibitions will not keep me at bay

Others opinions will not change my mind

If I’m that determined to accomplish a goal or get something done

I’m not going to stop until all the doors have been closed

Maybe we’re not always supposed to know what to do

Or how to do it

Maybe the most beautiful things can only be seen

When we end up in the cracks 

Other Writing

I wanted to blog about this particular topic on here, but since I'm required to contribute one or more articles per week for my internship, I thought it would be best to post it on there first and then provide a link for others to read. I've been thinking a lot about being "good enough" and how validation, particularly from online communities, has become so magnified in our culture. Unfortunately, it's starting to destroy people who take it too personally, ultimately keeping them from real connection. 

You can find the link to the article here, and if you like what you read, feel free to like College Social Magazine on Facebook!

Love in Action: Starting Small

I have felt a strong desire to love more deeply, as well as to love better. In the last year and a half, six people from my hometown and the surrounding area have passed away for one reason or another.  And now that tragedy has struck our country for the second time since the shooting in Connecticut, that urge has only become greater.

I once had this idea that showing gratitude and appreciation was about sappy cyber-messages and phone conversations, or the willingness to take on the weight of the world for another. And not that words or helping somebody carry a heavy burden is meaningless, they’re just not the only ways to go about it.

This is where technology can make a difference: every Monday I like to send out a text asking friends how I can pray for them during that particular week. I will gladly tell them good luck before an important exam or event, or let them know that I’m thinking of them if we haven’t crossed paths in a while.

There’s no doubt that words are powerful, especially when one is faced with their own mortality. But do they really mean anything, especially if there aren’t actions to support such declarations?

Am I personally doing enough to demonstrate love to other people? Sometimes I’m not so sure. More often than not I feel stuck between wanting to let them know how much I care about them, but not be so over the top that I come across as insincere.

That’s when I realized that if you’re not sure about something like that, you might just have to go back to the basics. You’d be surprised at how a simple “hello” or “good morning” can do wonders. I still become incredibly giddy when I see someone around campus or downtown that I know, especially if some amount of time has passed. Taking it a step further, it’s even better when we have the ability to give each other a hug and catch up for at least a couple of minutes. Things like that have so much potential to make someone’s day, and you never know what could follow.

But what about once you get to know a person? A relationship simply needs more than a greeting to survive. Back in high school, I heard about a book called The Five Love Languages; since it seemed geared toward committed or married couples, I didn’t read it until a couple of years later, and it turns out that this practice can apply to singles as well.

Basically, there are five primary ways to show someone that you care about them: it can be through physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and gifts. I’m not going to launch into an explanation of each because the book is definitely worth reading. But once you figure out another person’s love language, caring becomes a lot less stressful.

I recently took the test over again, and discovered that my primary love language is physical touch, with quality time coming in close second. That explained so many things that I had once found confusing: why I get frustrated and/or anxious when I don’t see my closest friends for long periods of time, and I realized that I’d rather prefer to spend time with people and experience things with them over material gifts.  It also made a lot of sense as to why I loved being physically touched in some way, whether it is through a hug or leaning against someone when I’m tired. The hardest part is knowing how to communicate those things; depending on the person, sometimes I do still get a little intimidated.

But being a love person is not just about what someone can do for you, but what you can give to them as well. As I mentioned beforehand, there are plenty of universal ways to say that you care about someone. Yet as you get to know each other, it becomes more important to understand (and respect) what they like and what they don’t like. This is where I appreciate the fact that I’m so observant and have a rather obscure memory. It makes my Mom really happy when the house is clean and our chores get done, particularly when she doesn’t have to tell us to do it. As far as I know, my Dad has never gotten rid of any gift or card that we kids have ever given him. My sister is not a cuddlebug in any way whatsoever. And my brother will never admit it, but I see his eyes light up whenever anyone compliments him on something. There are my best friends as well, but that would take too long.

Then there’s the question, what do you do when two people don’t like giving or receiving the same things, especially if you’re dating or married? To be honest I don’t have the answer to that one at the moment, but I do think there is a happy medium somewhere.

The biggest challenge is not reading too much into what the person is going to think. I always try to remind myself that it’s not about getting a reaction out of them, but to simply do something out of the goodness of my own heart. I can only hope that it will make someone’s day a little bit brighter, and maybe even easier if they’re going through a difficult time.

Which is why big gestures are nice every once in a while, but not necessary in every- day life. It’s wonderful to be able to support and be there for someone in a time of crisis, but why wait until then to let them know that they mean something to you? If I’ve learned anything from the tragedies of the last ten years, it’s that we are only guaranteed today. Heck, we’re only guaranteed this moment.

After witnessing the heartbreaking news coverage, it’s easy to lament how messed up the world is. But just as well, there are a lot of wonderful people out there who dedicate themselves to loving and doing good, despite all that. But you don’t have to be anybody’s hero to make an impact. It’s all about taking the ordinary and transforming it into something extraordinary.

So am I doing enough? I can’t say if that's true or not. All I can do is pray that God keeps presenting me with opportunities to love and serve other people, and hope that one day they’ll pass it on.

This is my second post in the series Love In Action. Next time I'll be discussing vulnerability and how it's not just about opening up to people, but what happens on the other side of it.

Walking

It's amazing how much my mood changes when the sun is out, when I'm not all bundled up to the point where I'm fogging up my glasses. It's not just baseball season, it's walking season.

(image credit: Pinterest) 

It's like I can finally breathe again; I'm no longer confined to layers upon layers of clothing, nor does my head have to be kept down in wanting to guard itself from the wind. Slowly inhaling gulps of spring scented air, I begin my trek up the slightly angled sidewalk toward my destination.

Since I've been a college student, leisure walks have taken the place of mornings and afternoons spent on my backward swing set; it's my one of my escapes from the world, a getaway from chores and things that are crying out to get done. I have a strong preference for walking over running; I don't trip as much, and it allows me more opportunities to take everything in. 

Yes, I've been here almost three years and I still look around in awe, amazed that I'm actually here and that I've come so far. It didn't seem all too long ago that I was a dumbstruck eighteen year old, thinking that this place was utterly huge and intimidating to navigate. I'm still terrible with directions, but I can tell you where to go based on various landmarks. 

I go past the local Starbucks, a yoga studio and a super fancy restaurant that serves all these weird looking food platters. Making a right, I now stand in what some call the heart of campus, or at least the night life scene. It's pretty much a mixture of bars and eateries, but some have more sentimental memories than others. On one side is a popular hang out where I had my very first kiss, and on the other is a nightclub where I managed to find myself in some pretty interesting situations. Apparently I'm quite the dancer in both establishments. For whatever reason, they like to party like it's still the 90's, but you can't get them to play Luke Bryan. I don't get it. 

But it's not just about the craziness and whatever happens as a result. Some of the most meaningful moments and conversations have taken place around here. I became best friends with someone through getting coffee on several Friday afternoons. A few doors down I celebrated my twenty-first birthday, where I can still recall receiving one of the best hugs I've gotten in a long time

The majority of the memories that I hold in my heart weren't (and still aren't) planned or expected. Yet, that's what makes them so incredibly beautiful. Subconsciously, I know that certain things may not happen again for a long time, or maybe ever. So I savor whatever is happening; moments where in context it doesn't come across as a big deal, yet it still means the world to me. I take snapshots in my mind: from the music that plays through the speakers to the people I run into, I manage to remember it all. 

It was through those moments that I've learned to be present and live with an open heart. To not worry about what comes afterward or who's looking at me. I just take it in, and remind myself that the only regrets worth having are when you don't learn a lesson or have a story to tell because of it. 

I begin to take the usual route back to my apartment, where papers need to be written, chapters need to be read, and productivity is a definite must. That all too-often sense of being overwhelemed washes over me, but with it comes an oh-so gentle reminder that never fails to give me goosebumps: cherish this. 

Usually that's the kick-start to an emotional tug of war; I frequently get stuck between knowing that I'm blessed with more than I deserve, while at the same time feeling pulled down by the undertow of both short term and long term stresses. It's that whole "well there's always someone out there who has it worse" while believing that I could, and want to be in a much better place than I am currently. 

It's draining and exhausting; above all else, it doesn't work. 

The thing is, you don't have to choose a side. I used to believe that you either had to be really happy or really pissed off, and those can be umbrella terms for a lot of other matters. You don't necessarily have to be for something or against it. What I'm trying to say is that there are days where you're going to feel on top of the world, and days where you're going to feel like you're being crushed by it. The trick is ultimately knowing when to let go instead of dwelling on what you can't change or control. 

Before turning the corner, I look back and survey the scene before me: people grazing on sushi or sandwiches in one of the nearby cafes. Children laughing and playing on the little playground in front of the public library. Men and women of all ages relaxing on various benches, contemplating life and appreciating the sunshine. This is what I know as of today: everyone has their own share of crap they have to deal with and their own pain they have to heal from. That doesn't mean there isn't any joy or hope. Life is hard, but God is still good.

Reflections like these are what make my walks similar to therapy;  in some ways, they're even more clarifying than sitting in a room full of people and going on about whatever I'm struggling with. I'm not venting and rehashing out the same stuff; I'm observing what's around me and learning from it. Sometimes it's good to put a little distance from a to-do list because it gives you the ability to rest and approach in a healthier way later on. 

And the best part? You never know who you might run into, or what adventure you might embark on next!