Other Writing

I wanted to blog about this particular topic on here, but since I'm required to contribute one or more articles per week for my internship, I thought it would be best to post it on there first and then provide a link for others to read. I've been thinking a lot about being "good enough" and how validation, particularly from online communities, has become so magnified in our culture. Unfortunately, it's starting to destroy people who take it too personally, ultimately keeping them from real connection. 

You can find the link to the article here, and if you like what you read, feel free to like College Social Magazine on Facebook!

Love in Action: Starting Small

I have felt a strong desire to love more deeply, as well as to love better. In the last year and a half, six people from my hometown and the surrounding area have passed away for one reason or another.  And now that tragedy has struck our country for the second time since the shooting in Connecticut, that urge has only become greater.

I once had this idea that showing gratitude and appreciation was about sappy cyber-messages and phone conversations, or the willingness to take on the weight of the world for another. And not that words or helping somebody carry a heavy burden is meaningless, they’re just not the only ways to go about it.

This is where technology can make a difference: every Monday I like to send out a text asking friends how I can pray for them during that particular week. I will gladly tell them good luck before an important exam or event, or let them know that I’m thinking of them if we haven’t crossed paths in a while.

There’s no doubt that words are powerful, especially when one is faced with their own mortality. But do they really mean anything, especially if there aren’t actions to support such declarations?

Am I personally doing enough to demonstrate love to other people? Sometimes I’m not so sure. More often than not I feel stuck between wanting to let them know how much I care about them, but not be so over the top that I come across as insincere.

That’s when I realized that if you’re not sure about something like that, you might just have to go back to the basics. You’d be surprised at how a simple “hello” or “good morning” can do wonders. I still become incredibly giddy when I see someone around campus or downtown that I know, especially if some amount of time has passed. Taking it a step further, it’s even better when we have the ability to give each other a hug and catch up for at least a couple of minutes. Things like that have so much potential to make someone’s day, and you never know what could follow.

But what about once you get to know a person? A relationship simply needs more than a greeting to survive. Back in high school, I heard about a book called The Five Love Languages; since it seemed geared toward committed or married couples, I didn’t read it until a couple of years later, and it turns out that this practice can apply to singles as well.

Basically, there are five primary ways to show someone that you care about them: it can be through physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and gifts. I’m not going to launch into an explanation of each because the book is definitely worth reading. But once you figure out another person’s love language, caring becomes a lot less stressful.

I recently took the test over again, and discovered that my primary love language is physical touch, with quality time coming in close second. That explained so many things that I had once found confusing: why I get frustrated and/or anxious when I don’t see my closest friends for long periods of time, and I realized that I’d rather prefer to spend time with people and experience things with them over material gifts.  It also made a lot of sense as to why I loved being physically touched in some way, whether it is through a hug or leaning against someone when I’m tired. The hardest part is knowing how to communicate those things; depending on the person, sometimes I do still get a little intimidated.

But being a love person is not just about what someone can do for you, but what you can give to them as well. As I mentioned beforehand, there are plenty of universal ways to say that you care about someone. Yet as you get to know each other, it becomes more important to understand (and respect) what they like and what they don’t like. This is where I appreciate the fact that I’m so observant and have a rather obscure memory. It makes my Mom really happy when the house is clean and our chores get done, particularly when she doesn’t have to tell us to do it. As far as I know, my Dad has never gotten rid of any gift or card that we kids have ever given him. My sister is not a cuddlebug in any way whatsoever. And my brother will never admit it, but I see his eyes light up whenever anyone compliments him on something. There are my best friends as well, but that would take too long.

Then there’s the question, what do you do when two people don’t like giving or receiving the same things, especially if you’re dating or married? To be honest I don’t have the answer to that one at the moment, but I do think there is a happy medium somewhere.

The biggest challenge is not reading too much into what the person is going to think. I always try to remind myself that it’s not about getting a reaction out of them, but to simply do something out of the goodness of my own heart. I can only hope that it will make someone’s day a little bit brighter, and maybe even easier if they’re going through a difficult time.

Which is why big gestures are nice every once in a while, but not necessary in every- day life. It’s wonderful to be able to support and be there for someone in a time of crisis, but why wait until then to let them know that they mean something to you? If I’ve learned anything from the tragedies of the last ten years, it’s that we are only guaranteed today. Heck, we’re only guaranteed this moment.

After witnessing the heartbreaking news coverage, it’s easy to lament how messed up the world is. But just as well, there are a lot of wonderful people out there who dedicate themselves to loving and doing good, despite all that. But you don’t have to be anybody’s hero to make an impact. It’s all about taking the ordinary and transforming it into something extraordinary.

So am I doing enough? I can’t say if that's true or not. All I can do is pray that God keeps presenting me with opportunities to love and serve other people, and hope that one day they’ll pass it on.

This is my second post in the series Love In Action. Next time I'll be discussing vulnerability and how it's not just about opening up to people, but what happens on the other side of it.

Walking

It's amazing how much my mood changes when the sun is out, when I'm not all bundled up to the point where I'm fogging up my glasses. It's not just baseball season, it's walking season.

(image credit: Pinterest) 

It's like I can finally breathe again; I'm no longer confined to layers upon layers of clothing, nor does my head have to be kept down in wanting to guard itself from the wind. Slowly inhaling gulps of spring scented air, I begin my trek up the slightly angled sidewalk toward my destination.

Since I've been a college student, leisure walks have taken the place of mornings and afternoons spent on my backward swing set; it's my one of my escapes from the world, a getaway from chores and things that are crying out to get done. I have a strong preference for walking over running; I don't trip as much, and it allows me more opportunities to take everything in. 

Yes, I've been here almost three years and I still look around in awe, amazed that I'm actually here and that I've come so far. It didn't seem all too long ago that I was a dumbstruck eighteen year old, thinking that this place was utterly huge and intimidating to navigate. I'm still terrible with directions, but I can tell you where to go based on various landmarks. 

I go past the local Starbucks, a yoga studio and a super fancy restaurant that serves all these weird looking food platters. Making a right, I now stand in what some call the heart of campus, or at least the night life scene. It's pretty much a mixture of bars and eateries, but some have more sentimental memories than others. On one side is a popular hang out where I had my very first kiss, and on the other is a nightclub where I managed to find myself in some pretty interesting situations. Apparently I'm quite the dancer in both establishments. For whatever reason, they like to party like it's still the 90's, but you can't get them to play Luke Bryan. I don't get it. 

But it's not just about the craziness and whatever happens as a result. Some of the most meaningful moments and conversations have taken place around here. I became best friends with someone through getting coffee on several Friday afternoons. A few doors down I celebrated my twenty-first birthday, where I can still recall receiving one of the best hugs I've gotten in a long time

The majority of the memories that I hold in my heart weren't (and still aren't) planned or expected. Yet, that's what makes them so incredibly beautiful. Subconsciously, I know that certain things may not happen again for a long time, or maybe ever. So I savor whatever is happening; moments where in context it doesn't come across as a big deal, yet it still means the world to me. I take snapshots in my mind: from the music that plays through the speakers to the people I run into, I manage to remember it all. 

It was through those moments that I've learned to be present and live with an open heart. To not worry about what comes afterward or who's looking at me. I just take it in, and remind myself that the only regrets worth having are when you don't learn a lesson or have a story to tell because of it. 

I begin to take the usual route back to my apartment, where papers need to be written, chapters need to be read, and productivity is a definite must. That all too-often sense of being overwhelemed washes over me, but with it comes an oh-so gentle reminder that never fails to give me goosebumps: cherish this. 

Usually that's the kick-start to an emotional tug of war; I frequently get stuck between knowing that I'm blessed with more than I deserve, while at the same time feeling pulled down by the undertow of both short term and long term stresses. It's that whole "well there's always someone out there who has it worse" while believing that I could, and want to be in a much better place than I am currently. 

It's draining and exhausting; above all else, it doesn't work. 

The thing is, you don't have to choose a side. I used to believe that you either had to be really happy or really pissed off, and those can be umbrella terms for a lot of other matters. You don't necessarily have to be for something or against it. What I'm trying to say is that there are days where you're going to feel on top of the world, and days where you're going to feel like you're being crushed by it. The trick is ultimately knowing when to let go instead of dwelling on what you can't change or control. 

Before turning the corner, I look back and survey the scene before me: people grazing on sushi or sandwiches in one of the nearby cafes. Children laughing and playing on the little playground in front of the public library. Men and women of all ages relaxing on various benches, contemplating life and appreciating the sunshine. This is what I know as of today: everyone has their own share of crap they have to deal with and their own pain they have to heal from. That doesn't mean there isn't any joy or hope. Life is hard, but God is still good.

Reflections like these are what make my walks similar to therapy;  in some ways, they're even more clarifying than sitting in a room full of people and going on about whatever I'm struggling with. I'm not venting and rehashing out the same stuff; I'm observing what's around me and learning from it. Sometimes it's good to put a little distance from a to-do list because it gives you the ability to rest and approach in a healthier way later on. 

And the best part? You never know who you might run into, or what adventure you might embark on next!

Love In Action: An Introduction

Where is the love?

It's not just a catchy hook on a near decade-old Black-Eyed Peas song; It's a question that many are asking, and the answer seems to be split right now the middle. Such an answer will depend on a person's experiences, and unfortunately some allow their pasts mistakes and pain to determine whether they think love is alive or dead.

In my honest opinion, it's neither. It's just hidden deep within the crevices of our hearts, our busy schedules, our anger, our fear, and our pride. We have traded vulnerability and intimacy for superficial and distanced relationships, and unfortunately the blame gets put on the people around us, when everybody has a choice

Love is not just a feeling, but it is also something that we must do; not just one time, but multiple times over.

It does not have to solely exist within the romantic realm, or only taken seriously because one sees a person in a romantic light. Love can and should exist because we're simply human beings.

It is not about deserving or earning anything. We should love others because quite frankly, we would not be able to survive without it.

I'm not a doctor or any kind of expert; I'm a twenty-something passing on my observations and lessons learned over the years. Topics range from the simple things (love languages), to the hardest things (forgiveness and letting go). I can't say for certain how many weeks it will be or if I'll write everything at one time. I want it to be clear and well thought out, and since I have a busy schedule, it might not all happen right away.

Needless to say, I'm very excited about this, and I hope you'll come along with me for the journey!

On My Mind: Digesting And Managing

This is the busiest semester I've had thus far, if not the busiest year. Don't get me wrong, I like that I'm not constantly sitting around and ultimately having too much time on my hands. And if I'm not doing stuff for school, I usually have something going on in terms of extra curricular activities every single night, except Thursdays and Fridays. 

School work consists of reading anywhere from fifty to a hundred pages per day, and that's not always for one singular class. Depending on the week, I'll have one or multiple essays/papers that I have to write. While doing all that, I'm currently taking on an internship writing articles and distributing social media content geared toward college students. 

It can be exhausting, more on an emotional level than physical. My brain tends to shut down after looking at a computer screen for ridiculously long periods of time, so I can't necessarily plow through everything at once. I get overwhelmed a lot because it's easy to envision getting everything done, but not so easy to actually do it. 

The key thing isn't necessarily prioritizing, but knowing when to work and when to take a break. Since I still deal with depressive thoughts, it's important for me to make time to do things that make me feel good and I'm not just doing it out of obligation. If I don't, I start feeling incredibly lonely and frustrated with life. 

That being said, it was liberating to say that a lot of those feeling stemmed from over analyzing how people see me. In the days following that post, I realized that I don't have to share everything with everybody, especially when it comes to social media. It's not about a lack of honesty or authenticity, but still maintaining a sense of privacy. Just because you have the ability and opportunity to display your life all over cyberspace doesn't mean you have to, or should, for that matter. 

My spring break is coming to an end, and I'll be headed back to campus soon.  It was bittersweet, given the recent news of another death of someone I knew from my hometown (the fifth one out of the last year and a half). However, it has motivated me to mend fences with some broken relationships, and I also genuinely cherished the time I got to spend with my family and take it easy.

With so much going on, life can be crazy. But that's what happens as you get older; free time becomes a commodity, and it's something that you have to work at in order to have. In retrospect, things are really looking up for me, and I'm grateful to God for the opportunities to learn and grow.

I'm taking it all in. I'm being. I'm living. And I happen to like it like that.

A New Discovery

(Photo Credit: Pinterest) 

Not long ago, I revealed that I am still dealing with a mild form of depression. A few have asked me about the possibility of going on medication, and while I have considered it, I just don't think that it's the right way to go about addressing the issue. I know where it's coming from, and this week a lightbulb went off in my head in regards to what keeps fueling it. And I could easily sum it up in just one sentence: 

I care way too much about what other people think. 

During a Skype chat with one of my best friends, I told her that I was still feeling stuck between who I thought I should be and who I actually am. In the seven and a half years that I've had God in my life, one of the greatest stresses has been personal conviction vs. jumping on the bandwaggon of whatever current social issue is making headlines at the moment. Deep down I always knew what my beliefs were, as well as how they shaped my personality and the way I viewed the world.

And then the whole notion of the Proverbs 31 woman started to sprout up, especially as of late. Engagement season is in full swing and every time I come across a congratulatory comment on Facebook or Twitter, that person was always referred to as a "Proverbs 31 woman." I began to wonder if I had to become that kind of woman in order for God to bless me, particularly in regards to love and relationships. More so, was it even possible for me to do? 

It's not the actual passage that I take issue with; there's a lot of truth to be found, and it can bring about beautiful and insightful discussion. What I don't like is that it tends to be translated to, "this is how you should be and act within the church and with other Christians, otherwise you're not a real woman of God." 

How does one reconcile living for and serving God, while also embracing their personality? Let's face it, I'm not quiet, dainty, or proper. I'm a fighter, I'm loud at times, and I don't always do what I'm told solely because of who is telling me to do it. I try to keep up with politics, but I don't choose one side or the other; my opinions are based on what I feel in my heart, not one what a a large group of people say. And I could go on, but I think you get the idea. 

I'm not a cookie cutter anything. 

I went to a Zumba class for the first time last weekend, and it wasn't always easy to keep up with the instructor. I got frustrated at times because I couldn't move in the exact way that she and some of the other people around me were. 

And then I remembered the night before; I went out with one of my friends and we were going back and forth between a couple establishments. Every time I got on the dance floor, I let it all go; I didn't care how I moved, what I looked like to the people around me, and whether or not I was good at it. I just danced, and after it was over I felt like Beyonce after the Superbowl. 

During that class, that's when I decided that sometimes you just have to let go and quit worrying about what everyone else around you is doing. It's OK if you get to a point where you have to start improvising and doing your own thing instead of following those around you

When it comes down to it, it's not about trying to constantly change yourself; it's about allowing yourself to be changed, in whatever way that may  look like.

I've come to a place in my life where I don't necessarily want to just focus on who I should be or what I should be doing. Lately, I feel the urge to love and to give love in whatever way God calls me to. And that involves opening my heart up completely, which I'm confident in and ready to do. 

That's not to say that choices and character aren't important; but I'm realizing that love, and the ways that I put that love into action  frequently influence my attitude and choices that I make in life.Once you learn how to appropriately give and receive love, especially from God, everything else falls into place

The fact is, it's kind of useless to spend time constantly trying to figure out who you are; you're constantly evolving over time, and the person you are at this moment probably won't be the same in five to ten years. If you find that you can't fit into a particular mold for whatever reason, that's probably not the mold that you're meant to fit into. 

I'm tired, both physically and emotionally. I'm tired of wrecking my heart and mind over whether or not someone is going to give their stamp of approval, or assuring me that I'm living life the way I'm supposed to. From now on, it's between me and God, and I'm going to rest in knowing that He loves me exactly for who I am, not for who I think I'm supposed to be.

My Unusual Way of Seeing

As the poem says, I've only ever really talked to two people about this; mostly because they're the only ones who don't respond with a roll of their eyes and ask why I honestly give a damn. I wrote this after I discussed extensively with one of my best friends last week, and I'm just going to let the words speak for themselves.

Eyes of My Heart

Mother once told me that I tend to see the world differently

Differently than most people, that is

And lately now I think that a lot of it is true

When I think back on the memories of those that I’ve become so close with

The ones that have loved me, as well as the ones that have hurt me

He who knew me best for seven years

As though he had known me forever

I bared my soul to him

He held me like no one could at the time

My eyes saw stars and sparkles,

yet my heart saw one who could finally understand me

One stuck between staying a boy and becoming a man

Then one summer afternoon he ran away

I shared a home with her from the age of nineteen to twenty

I believed we were kindred spirits, albeit broken ones

She my best friend and I her helper

We shared secrets, while struggling and fighting not to be victims anymore

My eyes saw a selfish girl who didn’t care

My heart saw a lost friend who needed compassion

For she lacked faith and a sense of direction

On the outside he seemed like a bad boy

A rebel without a cause

We had just entered college; everything so new and undiscovered

The combination may not have been healthy, but I wanted to know him

We swapped crazy stories without judgment

He took me on adventures and every so often asked me dance

There was a tender soul in there somewhere

Yet I never found out because he cut me off without warning

No words or reason, just silence

To this day I still ask why

I rarely speak of these thoughts to anyone

Two people only know the whole story

For our world says we should not care for those who don’t care for us

But I don’t want to be like the rest of the world

A world who holds grudges and spills hatred every chance it gets

I want to love people in the way that God would want me to love them

To be a light and have a compassionate nature

To forgive and move forward

You can sing “open the eyes of my heart”

But it won’t happen until you’ve met someone who pushes your buttons and drives you absolutely crazy

Someone who does things that you don’t always like

Or maybe even understand

And still you’re willing to love them and look at them the way God does

Imperfect and human