Over The Mountain

We've all done it at some point or another; in a time of crisis, chaos, or pain we tend to say "If such and such happens, then it will be better." It is the point of relief, where once we reach it, we can just sit back and relax because the ride is a hell of a lot easier. Or at least it should be.


When I was young, I clung to to it with my life, allowing it to give me an often false sense of hope: "Once my Dad gets a job, once I get a boyfriend, once people stop being mean to me...." I saw it as a cure-all for the pain that I was in. Yet in reality, they were just band-aids covering up the issues that I was refusing to deal with or sort through. 


Lately, I have begun to call this way of thinking "Over The Mountain Syndrome." It is where one thinks that the climb may be tough, but once you get to the top, everything must be smooth sailing from here on out. To put it in non-cliche terms, it is depending on what is to come of the future to somehow take away to the pain, frustration, or discontentment that a person may be feeling. In reality, it is not always guarenteed to happen, whether it happens at all or in the way we want it to.


My old youth pastor once explained to me in a way that was both hard to hear and sobering at the same time. When I was a sophomore in high school, he explained to my youth group that "life doesn't really get any better; you're always going to have problems that you have to deal with and struggles that you have to face. Which is why you can't depend on things or even people to make everything OK. It all comes down to how you choose to react and how you choose to handle it."


It initially did not make very much sense to me; it was as if he was saying that because these were my issues, I would have to fix them myself. However, over the years that view slowly changed; I feel like right now I have a more clear understanding of that particular message. 


It is not necessarily that we have to be the ones to fix all our problems, or even depend on outside sources (friends, family, events, etc.) to fix it for us. There are certain instances of pain and/or struggle that cannot be fixed, so to speak. Sometimes it is more or less just allowing time to pass and allowing matters to sort themselves out. Other times it's refusing to let the pain get the best of you and focus on the positive aspects. 


I am writing about this particular topic because I am going through a difficult trial right now. I won't go into details at the moment, but it has a lot to do with intrusive personal thoughts (in other words, thinking about things that aren't really true) and feeling incredibly let down by certain people in my life. I haven't really talked about it with anyone, because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. If anything, I would rather have support and encouragement as opposed to pity. 


However, that does not mean I am going to sit around wallowing in my troubles, all the while expecting something or someone to find some magical cure. I am beginning to understand that you cannot rely on other people to make you happy, but that you have to be able to make yourself happy. How exactly that works, I haven't quite figured out yet; but what I do know is that I am determined to come out of this, even if it means clawing my way out (literally). 


And if I am that determined to do something, one can bet that I most certainly will do it.

A Few Fix-Up's

I know I've been pretty inconsistent in regards to how often I blog on here; at times I say that I'll do it twice a week, but lately it's been turning to one or none, depending on what's going on for that day.That's what happens when life keeps you busy from six in the morning until close to midnight. But I much rather prefer that then sitting around my apartment being bored out of my mind.


 In any case, I've made a few changes around here; I gave my layout a bit of a make-over to sort of go with the approaching fall season, as well as the fact that I was sort of getting tired of my current layout. It seemed a little too for me. I wanted to give it a more toned-down feel. 


I also added a new section on the right entitled "My Favorite Posts." Granted, it's pretty self-explanatory, but these are the posts that I put a lot of thought into and have mainly been the reason why I started blogging in the first place. There are those that I included because I believed that they were extremely well-written and showcased my writing ability. Some are included because even though the topic was a bit difficult, I thought it resonated very well with me and could do the same for many others. 


Mostly though, it is for those who are new to reading this and may not necessarily want to go back all the way to the beginning; I did that in trying to choose what posts to include, and admittedly some of my older stuff made me cringe (yet I think every writer does that- they go back to what they've written in the past and ask themselves "what the heck was I thinking?").


The list will probably be added to or changed around as I continue to write. Actually, I have a lot of thoughts and ideas swimming around, so hopefully I can post a few new things within the next couple of weeks. It is more or less setting aside the time to do it. 


Until then, if you've just come across this blog, feel free to look around. For the long-time readers, catch up on anything you missed. I'll be back soon.

Ten Years Later

I was just nine years old, only a child when it happened. We were walking back from either music or gym class, one of the two at least, when I spotted a group of teachers huddled in a corner. I heard one of them mention that there had been a plane crash. I didn't take it seriously, thinking that it had just affected one of them and nobody else.


I came home that afternoon to the TV broadcasting news footage of the attack non-stop; I think my parents left it on pretty much all day and even well into the nighttime. I vaguely recall watching replays of buildings collapsing and hearing people scream.


At one point I turned my Dad and asked innocently enough, "why did somebody do this?"


"Well Al, they just don't like the United States"


I didn't understand it. The following days and weeks were all a blur to me; I just couldn't grasp the severity of the situation. George Bush was constantly addressing crowds of people and telling them that the attackers would be caught and punished. MTV played music videos in memory of those that lost their lives and Mariah Carey's "Hero" seemed to be on repeat. 


We talked a little bit about it in school; I often said how I couldn't decide which was worse, September eleventh or Pearl Harbor? The only thing I knew about Pearl Harbor was that a naval base had been bombed by a foreign country a very long time ago. 


I wanted to cry and grieve like everyone else, but the tears weren't there. 


Only when I got a little older did I begin to fully comprehend just how much this tragedy impacted our country. I read several books where peopled discussed with such honesty about the horrors they witnessed that day. 


I realized just how much hatred there is in our world today; for someone to drive a plane into a building, both filled with innocent people. And the fact that it was multiple planes, multiple buildings, millions of people dead? The idea even today is still unimaginable. 


My brother once wrote something for his third grade class for a program they were putting on at the time. I can't remember the whole thing, but there was a line that said "we will stand tall until peace is brought again." 


In the last ten years since it happened, has there been peace? In some cases, maybe. It seems like we're trying to move forward, but end up taking so many giant steps backward: there's still very many stereotypes regarding those in the Middle East, as well as those of Middle Eastern descent. We're still in two wars that no one seems to know why we're fighting anymore. I could go on. 


But the bigger question is, will we ever know what peace is? Will there ever be a generation living without violence, ignorance or hatred? I ask that because this is what the last ten years have stemmed from. 


Ten years ago, I didn't cry. Now as I read the University newspaper, I feel like I finally understand enough to do so.


Never Forget.

Stream of Consciousness #15-Starting Over

I don't know what it is about Labor Day weekend that always stresses me out; usually, you're supposed to relax and leave your cares behind for a couple of days. However, that's not the way it happened for me. Like last year, I found myself physically and emotionally and exhausted, stretching myself to the point where I almost snap. Granted I did not do formal (sorority) recruitment this year, but it kind of feels like it with all the running around I've been doing lately. And by running around I mean going back and forth from my apartment to classes, meetings, student organization activities, etc. 


Over the last few days, I've begun to get the feeling that I'm going through somewhat of a starting-over period. Although campus and University life isn't exactly new to me, there are definitely some things that are: I am living in an apartment as opposed to a dorm, I have a rather tedious courseload unlike the previous two semesters, and I'm involved in a lot more clubs and organizations. All of that has got me on quite a busy schedule. 


So far, apartment life has had it's fair share of ups and downs: I love having my own bedroom to myself, where I don't necessarily have to delegate the smallest of things with my roommate. I love having my own kitchen where I can cook my own food and not have to eat the same stuff all the time. And most of the time, I love living in an area that isn't quite smack dab in the middle of campus. 


Yet, it has not been easy either. The place isn't exactly in the best shape, so we've had to deal with getting a lot of stuff fixed or completely replaced altogether. Since it is a bit of a hefty walk, I frequently come back from my last class of the day feeling as if I am about to fall over. 


The hardest part is that I often tend to get lonely; my roommate and I both have rather busy schedules that keep us apart throughout the day. Some days I have to spend all of my meals eating by myself or walking back from town alone. 


And truth be told, I don't like being alone for long periods of time. Academically there are positive aspects to it because I'm able to easily focus on school work and do what I need to do. But eventually my mind will start to wander and my overactive imagination kicks into high gear. 


The good news is that I now know that I am not alone; I have finally started putting down my pride little by little and confiding in my friends and family members about things. It's comforting to know that I am not the only one trying to keep my expectations from being too high or finding a balance between my school work and social life (and not losing my sanity to either). 


I would say more, but it is fairly early to predict what exactly is going to happen. Nevertheless, I am doing what I can do remind myself that everything does happen for a reason, and that God is not going to give me more than I can handle. I know that I will learn from it and ultimately become a better and stronger person. Despite my frustrations and worries, I know that I just need to focus on the present moment and the rest will take care of itself.

Stream of Consciousness #14

I am now back on campus, living with my roommate in our newly decorated apartment. I'm glad that I moved in a few days ago as opposed to waiting until the weekend, being that I'm still somewhat tired from moving everything in and organizing. At the same time I'm getting a little anxious to get into a routine, so I'm thankful that classes will begin on Monday. 

As I write this, it has been about two and a half days since I moved in; for the most part, things are going pretty smoothly. I haven't gone out on the town yet, but hopefully that will change within the next two weekends. At the moment I'm just getting used to living independently (and by that I mean grocery shopping and cooking along with it). 

The place itself is livable, to put it mildly. However, one thing I've most definitely learned is that just because something is cheap doesn't mean that it's necessarily good. While we were moving furniture in,  our Dad's took a good pass around the place and discovered problems that we didn't think a whole lot about when we were looking back in April. Granted, I realize that's not the smartest thing to do, but we were on a budget as well as a deadline. 

Out of the things that either need improvement or complete fixing, the one thing that genuinely bothers me is the security (or lack of it, I should say). Hopefully we'll get all of it figured out by sometime next week.

But when it all comes down to it, I love being a "big girl" if you want to put it that way. I especially adore my bedroom, where whoever walks into it will probably be able to tell what kind of person I am right now off the bat. And let's not forget that I have one of the most comfortable lounge chairs that I have ever relaxed on in my life!

In the midst of all that, I do remember that I am here first and foremost to get in education. And along with that, I also have goals; there are many, some which might seem rather cliche or are most realistic for freshman college students. So here are the most important ones:

1. Getting (and staying) organized-One of the main keys to success, especially in terms of academics is knowing what needs to get done and when. I've found that when I do something right when I think of it, I decrease the chances of putting it off until later. On the other hand, there are times where I've become overwhelmed at just how much I need to accomplish by the end of the week, or at least a specific period of time. (I actually had a freak-out moment in regards to that just recently, but everything is fine). So I try and split things up in order of importance. 

2. Just Ask-In retrospect, this is a very simple thing to do, yet I made it a lot harder. When it comes to both living it at home and away, I have struggled with being able to ask for something. Whether it be for help or a favor, I was afraid to do it. I didn't want to intrude on other people's lives or become a burden to them; this was (and still is) especially true for my family and close friends. There are people that I met last year that I wanted to spend time with outside of just having class together or running into each other; but again, for some reason I was intimidated enough not to ask them to hang out. The worst thing that can happen in any of these situations is that they either can't or they won't. That is life. 

3. Write and set goals for myself in terms of my career-Now is the time where I need to start looking for internships and looking into serious writing opportunities. I didn't do much of that during my first year because I didn't want to get ahead of myself and I was still adjusting to life on campus. But now that I've become accustomed, I need to put a bit more effort into my future career. 


With all of that being said, I am not sure how often I will be able to blog once school starts. I'm aiming for at least once a week, on the day that I have few classes, but I have no way of completely predicting how heavy my workload will be or what my schedule will be like. So if there aren't many posts for awhile, please bear with me.

Here is to the hopes, the memories and for whatever lies ahead for me this semester!

It's The Little Things Part 1

“Every artist was first an amateur.”

To be an artist one has to find beauty in ordinary things. Find 10 things of great beauty in the landscape that surrounds you. For example, crumple sheets on your bed in the morning, the smell of coffee making its way around a busy office.

It seems like in the last week or so we have been surrounded by constant negativity; the stock market is in limbo and there are frequent doubts as to whether or not we are headed for another recession. Our government leaders are doing the best to reassure us that they have the best interest of the American people, but it does not seem that way at all. Everything in the news these days is often so dark and grim, leading me to ask, along with many other people, "what exactly is this world coming to?" 

It's times like these where I literally have to take a step back and re-count my blessings; I realize that this is incredibly cliche, but sometimes I get so wrapped up in all this worry and what-if that I forget about all the wonderful things that I am surrounded by. They're small and at times are difficult to pick out in the hustle and bustle of life, but nonetheless they're there. 

1. Having a Cup of Coffee in the morning-This has become part of my routine since eighth grade; it is the reason why I tend to get up early in the morning, just to have an hour or so to myself before everyone else is awake. There is no rushing around trying to complete morning tasks along with attempting to wake up. During this time I normally watch my soap operas (don't laugh) or catch up on whatever shows are on my DVR at the moment. Other times I read, write in my journal or blog.

2. Taking a shower-Sometimes it's before I have coffee and other times it's afterward. But there really is nothing like taking a hot shower, whether it be to start the day or end it. 

3. Swinging-I have a swingset in my backyard, one that would normally have stopped being used once my siblings and I grew older. However, that was not the case for me. I still like to swing on my swingset, listening to my ipod and allowing my mind to wander for a little while. I could do it for hours if I wanted to. It's nice just to be outside, especially with the view of the lake. 

4. The lake itself-When I was very young, I used to think that God either put diamonds in the water or sprinkled glitter on top of it. In reality, however, it was just the sun reflecting off the water. I didn't go swimming in it this summer as much as I normally would. On the hottest of days I was at work, and then during the rainy ones I would be stuck sitting inside. But I do think it is one of the most beautiful things about the property that we live on. Natural bodies of water don't bother me very much at all. And although the yard and the house is often a lot to take care of, I believe that it's worth it. 

5. Mom's flower garden-I absolutely love flowers; Mom has several gardens planted in the backyard and every once in awhile she'll pick some and put them in a vase in the kitchen. When I went through a photography phase (I literally took pictures of everything in the backyard), flowers took up the majority of the pictures. They're a major staple in my current bedroom and will continue to be when I move into my apartment.

6. Books-Once again, I am probably stating the obvious, but I love to read. My closet is full of them, and whenever I go to the library. It's a shame that some don't care to pick up a book unless they absolutely have to; I understand that everybody has their personal preferences, but I feel like I've learned a heck of a lot more about life from reading books as opposed to TV. 

7. Family Photo albums/home videos- I haven't been looking at either as of late, mostly because it makes me cry to the point where it's difficult for me not to look obvious that I'm crying. But there are so many memories of my childhood, from crazy holiday get-togethers to vacations filled with happenings that we still talk about to this very day. But there are moments where I struggle with understanding that I'm no longer a kid anymore; that I am now an adult and I have to take on adult responsibilities. But I feel blessed and fortunate enough to have gotten to do so many amazing things, and have grown up with wonderful people around me. 

8. My pets-They're no longer small enough to carry around and can be huge pain in the necks, but I adore having them around. It's nice to give hugs and kisses and not get any complaints (well, for the most part anyway). 

9. My Disney movie collection-I still watch Disney movies, probably more this past summer then ever. Somehow watching them always makes me smile, especially the princess ones. Those are definitely coming with me to my apartment as well.

10. My bed-In the past I have always taken having a warm bed to sleep in for granted. There are so many people who don't get to come home to warm, clean blankets; sometimes not even their own mattress. So that is definitely something that is beautiful. 

There are always things to be grateful for and to appreciate. It is just a matter of taking the time and effort to look for them.

Intuition Is A Powerful Thing

Now what would happen if my intuition were an actual person?

The secret of fortune is joy in our hands. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you could picture your intuition as a person, what would he or she look like? If you sat down together for dinner, what is the first thing he or she would tell you?

My intuition, just looking at her from a small distance, would appear to be very interesting. She would wear a black and white polka-dotted dress, an indication most of the choices and decisions that I find myself making within my life are not as complicated as they seem. She wears a pink jacket over the dress, along with a pink floppy hat to match. Beneath the pink hat one can see her black old-school, cat-eyed sunglasses. And if you look close enough, there is a small diamond necklace around her neck.  She says she has something important that she has to tell me. 

We sit down at a nice Italian restaurant; I would have preferred to order penne pasta with vodka sauce and tiny sausages (my new favorite dish as of late), but from the look on her face, it's probably best just to go with the bread for now. 

What she'll tell me in the following conversation is no-hold's barred with no amount of sugar on it. It''s not clean and it's not pretty. But in the end, it does make a lot of sense. 


"All right, sweetheart, let's get down to business. You're not listening to me. Or should I say, you're not being completely honest with yourself." 


"What do you mean? I listen to you. Didn't I choose education over friends when it came to choosing which high school to go to? Didn't I go to the college that made me happy as opposed to what would have been physically easier to get around on?" 


"Yes, and those have turned out to be wonderful decisions. But I'm not talking about school here. I'm talking about dating, falling in love and all that stuff that you tend to make more difficult than it actually is."


"Oh, right. It's not that I don't listen to you, it's just that I want to give the guy a chance." 


"Honey, it's one thing to give a guy the benefit of the doubt if you have a decent feeling about it. But if your stomach is in knots from the moment you meet him, and all you're thinking about is that it probably won't end well, then it's best to cut your losses while you can."


"But what if he's just trying to get to know me?"


"If he asks about your virginity and just how far you've gone within a short time of meeting you, more than likely he doesn't want to get to know you. He wants to get to know your body and eventually get into your pants."


I don't say anything for a little bit, knowing that she's right. "Well, I have made up a list of standards!" I want so badly to change the subject already. 


"Lady, it's about damn time!" she laughs. "Now tell me about them?" 


I name off the five standards that I have come up with in the last couple weeks. 


She nods approvingly. "Can I ask, what in the hell took you so long?"


"I was afraid that I would be expecting too much." 


"I could give you an entire list of what expecting too much really is, but that's not the point of this conversation. Another problem is that you're often afraid, especially of your own feelings. And you shouldn't be."


"But what if I do or say something at the wrong time? And what if my feelings don't meaning anything at all? That's what I'm afraid of." 


"Number one, if you don't know when another opportunity is going to come, maybe it's best to just do or say what you need to say while you have the chance. Number two, a good feeling is never worth fighting off. Sometimes you just can't help it." 


I nod and slowly take in what she just said. 


"Al, you know deep down who you are and the kind of woman that you want to become. You have the power and the ability to become that person. It's just a matter of listening to yourself and having the courage to follow through with it." 


Intuition is a very powerful thing, isn't it?