A couple of weeks
ago I came across the highly publicized Vanity Fair article, where the author highlights
a so-called “dating apocalypse” due to apps like Tinder and the widespread hook-up culture. As a lot of people probably reacted, I was dismayed, even
frustrated when I read it. Not because any of the scenarios presented were
utterly shocking, but that few seemed to truly enjoy the whole concept,
yet resigned to the fact that we're stuck and just have to suck it up and smile. I could tell that the glaring problem wasn’t what the
author was frequently indicating, but something much more indirect:
Hardly anyone
likes it, but it is what it is, and you either make the best of it or risk
being alone.
I’m not defending
Tinder, nor am I dismissing it. I know several people who’ve found
relationships through it and things seem to be going well. Yet out of the
number of times I downloaded and used it, I typically deleted it within the
span of a couple of months. It did become addicting, and eventually I became
tired of waking up to sexually grotesque messages, and feeling pulled into
conversations that didn’t reflect my personal character. There’s no doubt that
dating is harder than it used to be, but it shouldn’t be to where you’re feeling
degraded and cheap every time you try to have a simple conversation.
But it’s not the
app that matters, or even rapidly changing technology. What bothers me is how
people act like they no longer have free will because different avenues have
become available and casual sex has become more prevalent. It seems like
reality, but is actually just a mindset for refusing to take ownership of how
you allow yourself to be treated.
It would be
wonderful if more people were completely honest about what they want, who say
what they mean and mean what they say. But even that wouldn’t solve everything, and
it is kind of silly to put your emotional well-being into the hands of someone
else.
My question is,
where does one person’s responsibility end and another’s begins?
I can’t control
others’ actions or line of thinking, I can decide what I stand for and what I
don’t. I want to be with a man who looks at me as God-created human being, an
equal and a partner. If that’s not case, than sometimes the best way to stick
up for myself is to walk away completely.
It’s not enough to
just eliminate something and then blindly hope that the pieces will fall
together. You have to set standards for yourself, as well as limits and boundaries. More so, it involves discipline, accountability, and commitment.
Taking a Step Back
There’s definitely
a sense of magic when it comes to meeting someone new, and it is nice to feel
hopeful about the possibilities. But at the end of the day, the most important relationships
in my life are that with God and with myself, because they are the ones that
I’m always guaranteed to have. It’s so easy to get swept up in the emotion and excitement
of getting to know someone, and maybe even falling in love. At the same time,
what once felt promising can turn into a vacuum of stress, where I nearly end
up questioning everything and blame myself in the process. Recently, I’ve
noticed that I become incredibly anxious when I feel like I don’t have some
amount of control in certain situations, specifically when it comes to sticking
up for myself or having the last word. When I can’t practice emotional,
physical, or even spiritual self-care, that’s when I know to stop and reflect
on what I’m doing. It might mean being more selective in who I go out with, or
it might mean taking a break from dating all together.
It’s perfectly OK
to just be single, and in a way where you’re not involved with anyone in any
capacity. It’s imperative to make time to breathe, to get to know yourself or
to re-discover who you are and what you want for your life. Real love is only
healthy if it comes from within, and is poured out slowly and for the right
reasons. And as selfish as this sounds, you can’t take care of anyone else if
you don’t take care of yourself in the process.
Trusting Instincts
I’ve been blessed
with strong instincts, but admittedly have not always followed them. I usually
know within a couple of conversations (in person or otherwise) if I can
envision something deeper or romantic. It’s hard to explain why exactly, but I
suppose it relates to knowing myself really well, and being aware of what kind
of personalities I mesh with versus what I don’t. More importantly, I know what
I want and what I can give, so that’s definitely a tool in spotting red flags,
or even just yellow ones.
The challenge is
not getting stuck in something that’s unhealthy, and more so because I’m trying
to give a guy the benefit of the doubt. I understand that no one is perfect and
that everyone messes up; that being said, there is a difference between not
being perfect and not making an effort. Doing something once is making a
mistake, but repeated actions involve making a choice. And if he gets defensive
because I called him out, that’s when I know it isn’t going to work. And sadly,
once I realize that things are not going to get better, they usually don’t; it
just ends up becoming this ridiculous cycle that results in emotional
exhaustion and blocking somebody’s number.
Please, pay
attention; pay attention to whether or not you’re being pursued, respected,
heard, encouraged, protected, and whether or not your interest is allowing you
to do the same for him/her. Even if it’s not serious or romantic, you’re still
human and should have an open line of communication. If something feels off,
it’s likely that it probably is, and you should get away as soon as possible.
Finding Support
From personal
experience, I can say that one of my biggest regrets is not trusting my closest
friends enough, telling them what I truly thought and felt. The first couple of
weeks of my freshman year of college, I met a guy from a nearby dorm and
developed a crush on him very quickly. I never told anyone that I liked him
because I didn’t want the attention, and I thought it would be easier for me to
deal with it alone if things went downhill. Needless to say that did happen,
and I nearly became an emotional wreck because I held everything in, at least
until I couldn’t anymore. I knew that he wasn’t good for me, and I didn’t want
to hear it from anyone else.
The truth is hard
to swallow, but necessary nonetheless. From friends both near and far, to
family members and mentors, I’m beyond grateful to those who are willing to be a sounding board and to listen without judgement. I might need advice on how to handle a situation, or
sometimes it’s nice to be affirmed that I’m not overly sensitive and that I do
have a right to my feelings.
The right support
system is one that will tell you the truth, but will still love and be there
for you nonetheless. They give advice when you need it, or affirm that you’re
doing the right thing when faced with a difficult decision. They know how to
celebrate while being level-headed, and they know how to comfort without
complaining about how all men are jerks. They have a healthy attitude toward
themselves and others, and recognize when to fight for something and when to
move on.
I’m fascinated by
how we all relate to one another, how our stories connect, and how we all have
the ability to make an impact. We’ve gotten so caught up in the idea of love
that we’ve forgotten what it means to be human: to be vulnerable, to show
emotion, and to have a passion for something. The struggle is recognizing that
no one can complete you, nor can they make all your pain go away.
Life is too
precious and fragile to not be surrounded by what truly matters. The beauty of
getting older is that I’ve realized that I don’t have the time or energy for "meeting up," late at night, or being referred to as something other than my name. I don’t need the stress, the silence, or the wondering.
I need someone who motivates me to be better, who pushes me toward God, and is
willing to let me love him the way he loves me.
Has dating changed? Sure it has, and it will continue to do so as time goes on. But it's up to each one of us to determine what it will look like for our own lives, and I know which direction I'm going in.
