So, what do I think?: March 2015

I wrote this is honor of my best friend, who recently began a new chapter in her life in the Peace Corps. May God go with you, sweetheart.

Ocean Wide

I can easily recall the ocean of my youth

A child looking out, wondering about

All the mysterious creation contained beneath the water

Sharks, jagged edges, and perhaps even mermaids

An over active imagination’s paradise

Yet I feared submersion

Of having my dreams dashed by the powerful forces below

So I stayed on shore as the rolling tide teased my ankles

Begging me to join

Ten or so years later

Fourteen, sixteen, teetering on womanhood

The adventurous spirit within me awakens

I am cautious, but I long to be free

A day trip in a beach town I break away from the confines

Gallivanting into the waves on my own

Diving in between to feel the sting of salt in my eyes and nose

Dancing against nature

Only to realize that I’ve wound up on the other side

But I went unpunished, and later basked in a palette of colors

Shades of blue and pink surrounding me

Realizing what made me feel alive

The way I felt back then

A mirrored reflection of how I feel right now

One moment I’m terrified of the vastness before me

Yet eager for the opportunities that lie ahead

We’re now at age where it’s considered normal, if not expected

To go off in directions

Anything can happen

And whether that’s good or bad is as unpredictable as a rising tide

Some of us will only be separated by a phone call

Others by a couple hundred miles

Perhaps for a select few

An Ocean wide

There’s no way to know how things will change

How we’ll grow and evolve

How we’ll look, think, or feel once we meet again

But let’s not let love be dependent on stages and places

Rather, unconditional faith and support in one another

Seeking to understand, rather than just be understood

I don’t know what the future holds. But I know who holds the future

Let’s hold onto that promise, along with each other

My friend forever

No matter how far

photo credit: Avila Beach Pier via photopin (license)

It's that time of year again; the time where a lot of us look in the mirror and analyze every inch of our reflection. It may start on New Years, or it may start in the last month leading up to a spring break trip or a vacation. Either way, we stare, we scrutinize, and we tell ourselves that it's a matter of practicing good posture or actually sticking to doing those fifty crunches that we were told would make our stomach's flatter in six months. Soon enough, that all-too familiar voice chimes in and gets louder by the minute; it sounds like nothing yet comes from everything around us, from the media to even friends and family.

You are too much of this, and not enough of that.

Growing up, I never dealt with any major weight-related issues, unless you count the time period when I was an infant and had to gain four pounds in order to go home from the hospital. My grandmother affectionately nicknamed me her "Bag O' Bones", and it has stuck to present day. Some of you reading this might be tempted to argue that I've had it easy, and I won't deny that in some respects that's true. I was, and always have been fairly active person, especially coming from a family of athletes. I had a naturally fast metabolism and adopted a liking for healthy meals early on. When I went to college I avoided the freshman fifteen by long walks around campus and learning how to make decent food choices.

Yet somewhere in there at least one person (maybe two or more) would make some sort of comment about my figure:

"You're too skinny!"

"You need to eat more!"

"Why do you even work out? It's not like you need it."

"We're going to fatten you up when you get home."

It's as frustrating now as it was back then, given that I'm constantly taking care of myself to the best of my ability. I'm well aware of my eating and exercise habits, along what works for me and what doesn't. But it's not so much the remarks in themselves that I find annoying as much as whom those words are coming from; it's sad when those who should be encouraging you to love and accept yourself are the ones trying to convince you that you're somehow not healthy. And while I do acknowledge the possibility of genuine concern, there are better ways to go about the conversation than making snarky comments about how they don't measure up.

But I've long since thought that for anyone who does that sort of thing, it's less about their opinion regarding the other person and more how they see themselves.

With developments in technology over the years and an increase in vocalization, dealing with body image and what's healthy versus what isn't can be complex. New studies regarding what to eat and what to avoid are being released all the time and it's constantly sending people into a tizzy. There's a love/hate relationship for Victoria's Secret and "Fitsporation" on Pinterest, while celebrities are being glorified or attacked all the time getting older or having babies. A lot of popular music urges people to celebrate who they are, but not without undermining others by referring to them as "skinny bitches."

Do we really have to look at one side as the enemy in order to embrace the other? It seems exhausting and completely unnecessary.

While I was training for my first 5K race last spring, I went to a health specialist at the my University's rec center to make sure that I was doing the proper preparation. Not only was she incredibly helpful, but it was nice to hear that I wasn't necessarily doing anything wrong as it was. She explained that because I'm living with Cerebral Palsy, it's perfectly normal that I have a slightly different diet and exercise routine. And as I went about my days getting ready for my upcoming run, I noticed a change in how I felt because I ate certain foods or focused on specific exercises. As I type this, I'm recalling a line from a commercial that I saw on TV a long time ago; it's been well over a decade, but the message is still relevant now as it was fifteen years prior.

"It doesn't only matter what you look like, but what you feel like."

With that, my health and fitness mantra comes down to one sentence: Pay attention to how you feel while and after you're doing something. This goes for both fitness and food; I like my workouts to involve lots of cardio and movement, where I'm aching by the time I'm done. I'm not one for a ton of greasy or heavy food because they both make my stomach hurt. And in terms of eating, I'm a grazer throughout the day as opposed to eating three big meals at designated times.

No one body is exactly the same, so I don't think you can determine whether someone is living a healthy life based on looking at them. Yes, this country has problems with both obesity and eating disorders, but how one navigates that is not exactly black and white. I get the reasoning behind some countries banning models who don't meet a specific BMI requirement, but who's to say that they're always in control of that? It's kind of insulting to those who do struggle with such life-threatening conditions, because there are other factors that go into it besides dramatic weight loss. As I said previously, if the signs do indicate that something isn't right, there are more genuine and loving ways to discuss the subject then just demanding that they eat.

But there are times where body acceptance does not just involve clothing size or weight. For me, I've had to come to terms with the fact that I'm fairly petite for someone my age and am done growing. I have moments where I absolutely hate it because it's difficult to find shoes that fit and clothes are swimsuits always tend to fall off a little. I know that certain things involving bonding and babies are not going to be easy, and while that might be awkward to read, it's important for me to think about as I determine what I want in my life and who I want to surround myself with. I'm an adult now, and even not everyone understands that, I have to choose what's best for me.

And that is what it comes down to: being an adult and realizing that you do have a choice. Just as choosing to make lifestyle changes is honorable, so is choosing to accept things as they are, as long as that person is doing so in a safe way and for the right reasons. As much as I wish women would stop complaining about getting back to their pre-pregnancy bodies (or struggling after a certain age), I have no room to comment because I have not been down that road. As much as I wish some of my family members exercise or that my friends would stop smoking, I can't force them to do it. I believe in leading by example, but not in the way that we shame or blame others if they choose not to follow.

I hope one day that we'll realize that our bodies are not the enemy. Food is not the enemy. Instead, it is that false, monotone voice that spits out unrealistic expectations without experiencing real life. It speaks out of fear, rather than speaking from a place of love. That's where I've found peace; knowing that I am what I am because I'm a human being and a child of God. I don't need anything else to define my worth.

I'm ready to put my weapons down.