Out In The Wilderness

This poem is my way of trying to explicate the season I'm in right now; the mixture of pain, joy, loneliness, and togetherness. Read on and Enjoy!

My Wilderness

What happens to “coming home”

When home doesn’t feel safe anymore?

What used to be a place of rest, now becomes the wilderness

My wilderness

A pair of jeans that no longer fit

A candle that burnt out long ago

My thoughts and emotions contradict each other

In metaphors and analogies

A flying squirrel jumping from branch to branch

Without much balance or leverage

Then, a turtle that stays low to the ground

Hiding in a protective shell when threatened or in a danger

But mostly a deer trying to find her way

Around this familiar but unknown place

Vulnerable and exposed, praying not to be shot down

I can appreciate the peaceful solitude

The spiritual practice of beginning and ending each day

For in solitude comes wisdom

And in wisdom comes growth

Yet there’s a longing for connectivity after a while

To go beneath the surface

Of the water in which we all swim

Every so often that water becomes

And ocean full of waves

That come crashing down one by one

With such force that my legs ache

From trying to stay afloat

My lungs desperate for air

A fiery burning sensation

From what builds up inside

Hopefully transforming into words of vulnerability

A warm blanket feeling

Where for a length of time I’m neither too much nor not enough

No distractions or worries

But feelings come and feelings go

Unexpected storms approach

Leaving me to feel alone once more

The frigidness of abandonment

Becomes almost too much to bear

A target for the bolts of nature crackling across the night

Threatening to strike if I don’t run

Let me hide and curl up like those creatures do

In leaves of insecurity and misunderstanding

Somewhere between hibernating in numbness

And allowing the dirt of a path well-traveled to sting my wounds

I see light once more

The clouds no longer furious faces of complex relationships

The sky no longer a battleground for the desire

To have power or be right

Now a place of hope and promises

Of great things to come

If only I’m willing to embrace them

This is my wilderness

More than I could have expected or fathomed

Simultaneously accepting my past, living my present, and envisioning my future

I wonder if this is all just a bizarre dream

Or a string of possibilities?

Like it or not, this is real life

My life and mine to create

Let it be so