When Silence Fails

I thought that after coming back to campus (the first time), I would be OK. It felt that way on the outside, but as the following poem says, deep down my feelings and emotions were like a sleeping monster.  When I went home for Country Thunder, it was like being slapped in the face (figuratively speaking). I did my best to keep quiet, but it made those three weeks a lot worse. 

And that's why I haven't really written on here in that time; I was afraid that by trying to discuss it in writing, it would come out wrong and be completely misinterpreted. I actually did try several times, but always wound up deleting it. I remembered that when I'm really sad or even angry, I write poetry as a response. So in the midst of trying to find a counselor or a pastor to talk to, I thought I would share this. I wrote it as a way of expressing how I've been dealing with these last two months, and my frustration at not being able to connect with the people around me.

The Life of Grief

Grief comes in many different forms

Morphing and changing with the passage of time

A tidal wave that washes over you, drenching you with tears

Chilled to the bone in shock

Natural, yet paralyzing

If not expressed, it can become a monster

Sitting in the underbelly of the layers of what makes us human

Clawing, tearing, and lashing

I try to keep it at bay for the sake of others

But I’m not one to hide or fake a smile

It’s just not possible

And when it finally breaks free

It can either feel good, or leave wounds

Deeper than when the first tragedy struck

Grief has two lanes

One where there’s a legacy to honor

To give love and spread kindness, as that person did

There’s no traffic and you just keep going

The other is when you can’t ignore the hurt beating against your chest

You can’t deny that something big has changed

While not knowing what the “new normal” is

Figuring out if maybe you’ve hit a detour

Or you’re dealing with a hurting or bruised

If not broken heart

This is not a something that anyone can ease

There is no such thing

As making the hurt and loss completely go away

But even if you don’t know what it’s like

To travel this road

That doesn’t mean your presence has no value

Pain has no comparison

So don’t wipe away their tears

And command them to be strong

This is not about avoiding awkwardness

Let them show what they feel

Connection doesn’t always mean sharing similar experiences

It doesn’t always have to involve words

Ask, don’t assume

If nothing else, embrace them

 And let them know you’re there

Not just in the physical sense

But that you support them

Even if you’ve never been in their shoes

You don’t have to hold their hand

Just walk with them

Respect their feelings and expression

And allow them to heal

photo credit: Paolo Margari via photopin cc