When You Miss Someone

A while back, I had to let go of two people that meant the world to me. I didn't do it voluntarily or because I wanted to, but because it was too hard to keep putting effort into relationships that had become incredibly one-sided. And at the time, I was also dealing with a lot of stuff at the time, and if I was going to overcome it, I had to stop focusing my energy on what I was no longer in control of.


I have found that letting go definitely takes the stress level down a notch or two, and you're no longer wondering about what to do about the situation, because it's no longer in your hands. At the same time, the heart is a very different story. In my heart, I miss them more than anything. Sometimes it comes in the form of dreams where I wake up wondering, "now what in the world was that all about?" Other instances, I'm reminded of a song or a particular moment that we had. 


And in that moment, instead of getting lost in sadness or anger, I choose to thank God for the time that I was given with them. That's not to say that I don't ever get upset or angry; I do have days and nights where I cry, because in a way it's like a death; not necessarily the death of the relationship, but the death of what used to be, and the death of what once was familiar. 


I also experience anger, although it's nothing all consuming. I just wish that they had been able to be honest with me, especially if I was doing or saying something that had bothered or hurt them. I spent a lot of time being vulnerable with them, talking about things that I wouldn't dare tell anyone else. It's heartbreaking, knowing how all I tried to do was be a friend and be supportive. To accept them exactly as they are. To not judge or point fingers. 


I wonder if I still matter to either of them, after all this time? I wonder if our relationship still matters. 


But I think that in retrospect, very little of it was about me. They each had their own struggles and issues, and I was caught in the middle of all of it because of how close we were. 


And time a part from someone you love and care about can be a good thing; sometimes you both need time to grow up and mature a little bit more. Personally, I had to learn that I can't always take care of someone, or be there for them the way that I want to. I can't expect them to have the answers for everything, or to be the answer to something. 


As hard as it is, I try not to talk about it very much with anyone else. Everyone has a different perception when it comes to something like this, and they won't always deal with it in the same way I do. And constantly discussing it won't change what has happened.


I've been asked why I still care, especially when I express that some part of me still hurts. Truthfully, I don't have much of an explanation for it, other than when I invest my time in a person, it's one hundred percent or more. Most of the friends that I am extremely close to have almost become like family. That, and I don't believe in hatred, because it just doesn't do any good. 


What I do believe in is forgiveness. I forgave both of them a long time ago, but I know now that it takes more than one time to actually feel it. I won't pretend that I'm not willing to let them back into my life, but I am not going to get on my knees and beg and plead for it. They have to be willing to meet me halfway. 


And I would love to be able to sit down and have an honest to goodness conversation about it, but I am not going to force it to happen. Sometimes people have to be in a certain place in order to do that, and right now they might not be there. I don't know for sure. 


What I do know is that all I can do is keep going. When I get frustrated or tempted to ask "why?" I ask God  for peace, and that He will take care of them in the way that I can't. I pray for them; not for an apology or  but that they may one day find healing and get themselves together. That maybe one day, God willing, we can be in each other's lives again.


However, I have come to accept the fact that I will never be able to completely forget them. Having someone always mean a lot to you doesn't mean that you're holding out for them, or that you're living in the past, at least from my point of view. It means they taught you something: whether it be how to open your heart, what's healthy and what isn't healthy, and how to let go of the uncontrollable.


 But most of all, they showed me the capacity to love, to care, and to forgive. They will always have a special place in my heart, and that's what matters the most.