Like a lot of other college students, I'm getting to that point where I am just ready to be done for the year; ready to be done with having a pile of assignments, ready to be done with an apartment that has very little space and is difficult to keep clean, and ready to have a gigantic weight off my shoulders. More or less, I am ready for a break.
The last two weeks have been pretty emotional; I have been experiencing a waterfall of joy and gratitude, particularly since I have been partaking in my Lent activity: I am writing letters to those that have impacted my life in some way or another. It has been incredibly moving, but also tough at times. Not necessarily because I have trouble with thinking of things to say, but rather how to say them. There are so many people that I love and care for a great deal, so the big question was always "how do I say this without appearing overly sappy?" But there's only one answer: to simply say what is on my heart, and hopefully the message will be received.
The weather has been beautiful, with temperatures warm enough to forgo the jeans and break out the sundresses! I will say that it's been very nice not having to bundle myself up in all those winter layers, but it's making my motivation to do school work decrease even more.
On the other side, I have also been in the midst of dealing with a reality that came at me completely by surprise. It was one of those things that I did not expect to happen (at least not at this time). Like I said in the poem that I wrote after I returned from break, it just doesn't make any sense to me. Don't worry, it's not a matter of life or death, but it hurts. It hurts like crazy
I've only talked about it with a few people, two or three at the most. It's not that I don't trust anyone else, but a part of me really doesn't want to hear all the cliches and what not. Most of the time I prefer to get stuff off my chest, pray, or perhaps even shed a few tears (although that's putting it mildly).
This is not the first time I've had to deal with this kind of situation; except this time around, I'm doing my best not to go through the "whys?" or "what-if's" and ultimately try to figure out how I feel about the whole thing. Instead, I am choosing to find strength in my faith and just see where it takes me.
And from that, I've been doing a lot of praying. Sometimes it's as simple as asking God to give me peace, or giving me the courage to give up control. Other times I lament about the fact that I don't understand what's going on, or how to get out of these cycles that I've felt stuck in for a good portion of my life.
It's funny how you realize that what you need is often times the only thing you have.
I'm not saying that I'm in the midst of some big revival; rather, I'm learning to stop relying completely on myself and to stop trying to be this near perfect person. That is a whole different post in itself, and one that I touch on as time goes on. But I need a firm foundation and I need spiritual nourishment.
I am doing what I can to not look too far forward, or too far backward. I am taking it day by day and trusting in what I cannot see. It's tough, but I'm sure everything will fall into place eventually.