The Seemingly Impossible Fight: A Call To Kindness

Let me start off by saying that personally, this is not an easy post to write, nor will it be an easy post to read. It’s long, and at times may be difficult to take in, especially for my friends and family members that are unaware of what I went through up to this point. But I do not share my story for my own sake, but rather for the sake of others: those who have already been through it, those who are currently in that kind of situation, or those who simply don’t understand what it’s about. You may not agree with everything that I say, but please be respectful.

We have a problem. It is a problem that tends to be written off as kids being kids, or a problem that is not worth trying to solve because we’ll never completely solve it. It started on the playground and has plagued its way into people’s own homes. More or less, it has gravitated into cyberspace. That is why it has been given the now all-too-common term “cyber bullying.”

I was in my second year of middle school when I began to venture online; most of the kids at the time used AIM (AOL’s instant messaging service) and along with it you could make a buddy profile, which was basically just anything you wanted it to be. Some also used Xanga; it normally functioned as a blogging website, but anyone I knew of that had one used it before the days of Myspace and Facebook.

It started around late February or early March; I came home from school one day to find that people had posted messages for me; I can’t recall the exact details, being that it has been a little over five years since it happened. I do remember that whoever wrote it often used the words “bitch” and “whore” in order to describe me.

I was in shock. What exactly did I do to be treated that way, and by whom? I knew there were vicious rumors going about me, but that was it. None of it made any sense to me.

I was extremely naive about the internet back then; I believed that I was in control of what was going on, and that eventually it would stop. But every day, there was always something being posted that was more hurtful than the last. The one thing that hit me like a ton of bricks was when someone wrote, “no one likes you. Go fix your legs!” Despite my eventual healing, I have never forgotten those words. 

    I wanted to make it stop, but I didn’t know how; at least without coming across as a complete bitch. I didn’t have definite proof as to who was doing it, and thought it would be better for me to be the bigger person. Little did I know that I was just being a doormat.

 At some point I began getting called down to the counselor’s office to talk to her about how I was doing with school, both socially and academically. I tried opening up to her about what I was dealing with, but she would always tell me to stop being so negative and then all of my problems would go away. I never took a whole lot out of the time I spent in her office, and usually walked out of there feeling worse than I did before.

My parents knew that I was struggling, but only to a certain extent. I it didn’t occur to me to tell them that I was being cyber-bullied, since I didn’t even realize what that even was. We would have numerous conversations where I ended up in tears, mostly because they said one thing and I would hear something completely different. I finally stopped trying to explain my perspective because life at home was stressful enough, and I figured that all I was doing was burdening my loved ones with crap that they didn’t need.

It got to the point where I started spending more time alone, and sinking slowly into a state of depression. There were days that I would get so upset (normally after the counseling sessions took place) that I would skip class and go into the girls’ bathroom and cry. A lot of the time I wrote poetry in order to express what I was going through, because what I really wanted to say usually never came out right.

I can’t say that I wanted to physically take my own life, but I did wonder if anyone would actually care if I was around or not. It was like a large part of me was dying on the inside; the part of me that genuinely loved myself, and would take years to resurrect.

The biggest aspect of bullying, at least from my perspective, isn’t just about the words that are being said, whether it be face to face or through a computer. There’s no denying that words hurt, but it is more about the psychological damage that is being done as a result of those words. It is about the isolation that a person feels when they’re being told that they’re worthless and undeserving of any kind of love. It is about trying to find the courage to say “I am not OK” but yet fearing what would happen if you do so.

 My moment of relief came one Sunday a couple of weeks after eighth grade started up; I had begun attending a church with my neighbors, after taking part in a youth group trip that summer. I loved learning about the Christian Faith and about the concepts of loving others and compassion. And although my spiritual journey has had its ups and downs since then, it was the beginning of an extremely long healing process for me.

 I had been holding a lot of emotions in at the time, doing my absolute best to deal with the memories on my own. I remember that I walked into the hallway before the service started and somewhat lost my composure. A friend of mine, who I had only known for about a month, spotted me and asked me if I was all right. Since it was rather obvious that I wasn’t, we went off into a small closed off area to talk.

 I didn’t trust anyone at the time, so I’m not sure what moved me to spill out every single detail of what had happened, and my feelings towards it. I’d like to think that I have a keen sense of perception and that I’m good at sizing people up. This friend seemed safe enough, so I told them every single last detail. Then they looked at me and told me that I was loved, both by God and those that also went to the church. And at the end, I remember how this person gave me a hug. The relief, gratitude and joy I felt in that moment are still indescribable.

But this is not just about me. There are millions of people go have dealt with and are still dealing with this kind of cruelty; not only are they being verbally picked up, but some are even physically harassed as well.  Sadly, it is still being viewed as “petty junior high crap” when the truth is that bullying of all kinds happens both in high school and even on college campuses. One can go so far as to say that even adults are subjected to this kind of treatment.

The question to ask is not “who is to blame?” but rather “what can we do about it?” And I say “we” because it is going to take so much more than one person to form a solution. I call this “the seemingly impossible fight” because there are very few that believe that bullying can be completely banished. And while there is some truth to that, it doesn’t mean that people should stick their hands in their pockets and act like it isn’t happening. You never know what kind of change you can bring about unless you make an effort to do so.


The bridges and gaps of social groups have appeared to create this great divide; it seems simple enough to say that if a kid (or group) took the time to get to know and understand another, then perhaps this wouldn't be as big of a problem. However, one has to be willing to do so, and sometimes the need a little bit of help when it comes to talking openly about themselves or a set of circumstances. Not all lesson plans need to strictly adhere to a textbook.

I applaud our government leaders for recognizing bullying as an issue that needs to be addressed. However, (and feel free to disagree with me on this one) I do not believe in becoming completely reliant on our legal system, both for this particular matter and other troublesome matters as well. Our justice system has failed time and time again, and it will continue to do so if we look to it as the ultimate answer. It seems like it is just a method of punishment to the bully as opposed to disrupting or preventing the act of bullying in itself.

I understand that dozens of teachers, parents and students view all types of bullying as a kind of wildfire that has spread and cannot be put out.  Teachers, it is true that you’re not baby-sitters and should not be expected to be. However, it is your responsibility to make sure that your students are able to learn in a healthy environment. Academic institutions of all levels are becoming less of those and more war zones in the eyes of the children that walk through them. How much longer can one look the other way and pretend that it isn’t happening?

Parents and adults alike are perhaps one of the key factors in all of this; while elder generations may not care for the likes of Facebook, texting, etc. it’s important to what your kids are posting online and what they’re sending back and forth. Yes, there is an issue of privacy and the fact that so many yearn for privacy these days. But in a time where technology advances at an impossibly fast rate, privacy is one of the last things they need. What they need is guidance; knowing how to use the internet safely and in the right way. They also need to be held accountable for their actions and take ownership of what they say.

But more importantly is what an adult (and peers, for that matter) will do when another comes to them and says that they’re being bullied, or they think they’re being bullied. My best piece of advice, especially speaking from experience, would be to just listen and hear what they have to say. It might sound dramatic and over the top, but keep your personal opinions to yourself for the time being and allow them to express their pain. Whether they're wrong or right in the long run, it is how they feel and they have a right to their personal feelings. That was something that I 

 Aside from the awful names and comments that were being directed at me, the lack of support (or what I felt to be the lack of support) was what I agonized over the most. Anybody who is in that kind of predicament is in a very delicate state of mind, and they want to know that they’re loved unconditionally. They want to feel validated, not rejected. They want to feel want to feel safe, not terrified of the world around them.

Even for those that are being bullied, you too can make an impact. I didn’t realize this until a long time after, but one can stand firm; it doesn’t necessarily have to involve confrontation. If you’re being harassed online, report it to an internet moderator or print it out and take it to someone you trust. If you can’t find anyone who believes what you’re saying, keep telling until they do. As difficult as it may be, try to find a counselor that can help you sort through your feelings and help you deal with them head on. If there’s one thing I regret, it’s that I gave up on any sort of therapy (at least until recently).


 Find a support group to get involved in, whether it is a church group or a student organization at your school. Ultimately, surround yourself with people who lift you up, not bring you down.

 Learn  how to love and accept yourself; Coming from someone who has struggled with it, appreciating who you are as a person is not an easy thing to do, especially when it seems like those around you have nothing good to say. Real love starts from a spiritual standpoint; but I recognize that not all hold those same beliefs, so I am going to say that love starts with self and continues outward. Know that you have a great deal to offer, and that you’re worth getting to know and befriending.


Most importantly, you need to learn how to forgive and let go. That's not to say that you should completely forget about what happened or try to block it out. For years, I had this notion that if I didn't talk about it, maybe it would all go away. Yet, I've realized that it's perfectly all right to discuss it, because it is a part of your history. At the same time, you cannot allow it to become your life or define who you are. That was something in particular that I struggled with for several years afterward.

It’s easy to accept that this kind of cruelty is a part of life, and that there’s no way of getting around it. Please excuse my language, but I have to say it: that’s pure bullshit. Yes, not everyone is going to like you. Nobody’s saying that you should have to like everyone either. But the lengths that people, especially adolescents, go to in order to make another’s life a living hell is just mind blowing. When it comes to internet, some will argue the concept of freedom of speech. Yet, a freedom doesn’t seem like a freedom when it is being abused.

Nobody deserves that kind of crap; it shouldn’t matter what their religion is, what their sexual orientation is, or what kind of physical or mental handicaps that they have to cope with.     As my grandmother repeatedly taught me, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” (Technically that is from Bambi, but I heard it from her more often).

It has been six years; many readers are probably wondering why I still care at this point. I’m not in high school anymore, let alone middle school. But as I said previously, there are millions that are currently and still going through this type of ordeal. I just recently heard the story of a fourteen year old boy who committed suicide because he was being picked on at school. And although no one forces another to take their own life, it is still heartbreaking to hear that a person was anguished enough to be pushed to that point.

I have learned so much, both from what I have been through and how I continue to live my life today. It has taught me the importance of reaching out to others and treating them with love and respect, despite the fact that I feel like I’ve fallen short over the years. I probably come across as weak in the eyes of many, but I would rather have a heart of gold then a heart of stone.

There are various causes that I am passionate about; but I have never felt as strong, as angry, or as moved by something other than the cause of decreasing bullying, both on campuses and in cyberspace. There is such a lack of kindness in this world, and it is only being further stomped upon by those trying to justify ignorant behavior. Unfortunately, we can never rid the world of it, but that doesn’t mean we have to live with it either.

It starts with us. And it can end with us. 

The Autumn Season

The temperature is slowly dropping; the air is becoming a bit more crisp and there's that damp, leafy scent in the air. Aside from the obvious fact that September is drawing to a close, that can only mean one thing: the Autumn season has begun!


I used to always say the Summer was my favorite time of the year; it was always warm, I lived on a lake and went swimming almost every single day, among a half a dozen other things. Yet as I've gotten older, it almost seems like the concept of "summer" (i.e. wearing flip flops, drinking all the time, having flings with people you'll never see again) was just big cliche filled with things that I was never really into. The whole "living is easy" never really applied to me; aside from fourth of July and family gatherings, it the living definitely wasn't easy. This summer in particular, I felt rather disconnected from everything that I had become familiar with, and that was tough. 


And while Autumn means putting away the bikini's and pulling out the jackets, I have to say that since I've gotten older, I've started to enjoy it more than any other season. Looking back on it, the months of October through December have been filled with some of the best memories that I have ever made. I would sound like a complete sap if I went into all the details, but they have a lot to do with the smallest of things; the kind of stuff that tends to get overlooked. 


Overall, Fall has always been that kind of cozy time-period for me; the kind where you want to just throw on a pair of sweatpants and wrap yourself up in a blanket kind of cozy. There has always been that sort of closeness with friends and family as well; where I feel like I'm either getting to know people for the first time, or getting to know them all over again. 


Lately I've been so busy with schoolwork and what not; I feel rushed, as though I need to get something done by a certain point in time. Or, it's like there isn't enough time to do everything. I realize that's kind of the way life is; in retrospect, it never really slows down or stops. You have to be able to do that yourself, which is what I'm hoping to do. 


I know that I sound like I'm completely romanticizing just a normal change in nature. Yet, I'm also the type of person that likes to appreciate my surroundings and where I'm at, regardless of where it may be.


 I will probably be complaining in a month or two about wanting the warm weather back. But for now, I'm going to enjoy it and soak in whatever I can.

Over The Mountain

We've all done it at some point or another; in a time of crisis, chaos, or pain we tend to say "If such and such happens, then it will be better." It is the point of relief, where once we reach it, we can just sit back and relax because the ride is a hell of a lot easier. Or at least it should be.


When I was young, I clung to to it with my life, allowing it to give me an often false sense of hope: "Once my Dad gets a job, once I get a boyfriend, once people stop being mean to me...." I saw it as a cure-all for the pain that I was in. Yet in reality, they were just band-aids covering up the issues that I was refusing to deal with or sort through. 


Lately, I have begun to call this way of thinking "Over The Mountain Syndrome." It is where one thinks that the climb may be tough, but once you get to the top, everything must be smooth sailing from here on out. To put it in non-cliche terms, it is depending on what is to come of the future to somehow take away to the pain, frustration, or discontentment that a person may be feeling. In reality, it is not always guarenteed to happen, whether it happens at all or in the way we want it to.


My old youth pastor once explained to me in a way that was both hard to hear and sobering at the same time. When I was a sophomore in high school, he explained to my youth group that "life doesn't really get any better; you're always going to have problems that you have to deal with and struggles that you have to face. Which is why you can't depend on things or even people to make everything OK. It all comes down to how you choose to react and how you choose to handle it."


It initially did not make very much sense to me; it was as if he was saying that because these were my issues, I would have to fix them myself. However, over the years that view slowly changed; I feel like right now I have a more clear understanding of that particular message. 


It is not necessarily that we have to be the ones to fix all our problems, or even depend on outside sources (friends, family, events, etc.) to fix it for us. There are certain instances of pain and/or struggle that cannot be fixed, so to speak. Sometimes it is more or less just allowing time to pass and allowing matters to sort themselves out. Other times it's refusing to let the pain get the best of you and focus on the positive aspects. 


I am writing about this particular topic because I am going through a difficult trial right now. I won't go into details at the moment, but it has a lot to do with intrusive personal thoughts (in other words, thinking about things that aren't really true) and feeling incredibly let down by certain people in my life. I haven't really talked about it with anyone, because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. If anything, I would rather have support and encouragement as opposed to pity. 


However, that does not mean I am going to sit around wallowing in my troubles, all the while expecting something or someone to find some magical cure. I am beginning to understand that you cannot rely on other people to make you happy, but that you have to be able to make yourself happy. How exactly that works, I haven't quite figured out yet; but what I do know is that I am determined to come out of this, even if it means clawing my way out (literally). 


And if I am that determined to do something, one can bet that I most certainly will do it.

A Few Fix-Up's

I know I've been pretty inconsistent in regards to how often I blog on here; at times I say that I'll do it twice a week, but lately it's been turning to one or none, depending on what's going on for that day.That's what happens when life keeps you busy from six in the morning until close to midnight. But I much rather prefer that then sitting around my apartment being bored out of my mind.


 In any case, I've made a few changes around here; I gave my layout a bit of a make-over to sort of go with the approaching fall season, as well as the fact that I was sort of getting tired of my current layout. It seemed a little too for me. I wanted to give it a more toned-down feel. 


I also added a new section on the right entitled "My Favorite Posts." Granted, it's pretty self-explanatory, but these are the posts that I put a lot of thought into and have mainly been the reason why I started blogging in the first place. There are those that I included because I believed that they were extremely well-written and showcased my writing ability. Some are included because even though the topic was a bit difficult, I thought it resonated very well with me and could do the same for many others. 


Mostly though, it is for those who are new to reading this and may not necessarily want to go back all the way to the beginning; I did that in trying to choose what posts to include, and admittedly some of my older stuff made me cringe (yet I think every writer does that- they go back to what they've written in the past and ask themselves "what the heck was I thinking?").


The list will probably be added to or changed around as I continue to write. Actually, I have a lot of thoughts and ideas swimming around, so hopefully I can post a few new things within the next couple of weeks. It is more or less setting aside the time to do it. 


Until then, if you've just come across this blog, feel free to look around. For the long-time readers, catch up on anything you missed. I'll be back soon.

Ten Years Later

I was just nine years old, only a child when it happened. We were walking back from either music or gym class, one of the two at least, when I spotted a group of teachers huddled in a corner. I heard one of them mention that there had been a plane crash. I didn't take it seriously, thinking that it had just affected one of them and nobody else.


I came home that afternoon to the TV broadcasting news footage of the attack non-stop; I think my parents left it on pretty much all day and even well into the nighttime. I vaguely recall watching replays of buildings collapsing and hearing people scream.


At one point I turned my Dad and asked innocently enough, "why did somebody do this?"


"Well Al, they just don't like the United States"


I didn't understand it. The following days and weeks were all a blur to me; I just couldn't grasp the severity of the situation. George Bush was constantly addressing crowds of people and telling them that the attackers would be caught and punished. MTV played music videos in memory of those that lost their lives and Mariah Carey's "Hero" seemed to be on repeat. 


We talked a little bit about it in school; I often said how I couldn't decide which was worse, September eleventh or Pearl Harbor? The only thing I knew about Pearl Harbor was that a naval base had been bombed by a foreign country a very long time ago. 


I wanted to cry and grieve like everyone else, but the tears weren't there. 


Only when I got a little older did I begin to fully comprehend just how much this tragedy impacted our country. I read several books where peopled discussed with such honesty about the horrors they witnessed that day. 


I realized just how much hatred there is in our world today; for someone to drive a plane into a building, both filled with innocent people. And the fact that it was multiple planes, multiple buildings, millions of people dead? The idea even today is still unimaginable. 


My brother once wrote something for his third grade class for a program they were putting on at the time. I can't remember the whole thing, but there was a line that said "we will stand tall until peace is brought again." 


In the last ten years since it happened, has there been peace? In some cases, maybe. It seems like we're trying to move forward, but end up taking so many giant steps backward: there's still very many stereotypes regarding those in the Middle East, as well as those of Middle Eastern descent. We're still in two wars that no one seems to know why we're fighting anymore. I could go on. 


But the bigger question is, will we ever know what peace is? Will there ever be a generation living without violence, ignorance or hatred? I ask that because this is what the last ten years have stemmed from. 


Ten years ago, I didn't cry. Now as I read the University newspaper, I feel like I finally understand enough to do so.


Never Forget.

Stream of Consciousness #15-Starting Over

I don't know what it is about Labor Day weekend that always stresses me out; usually, you're supposed to relax and leave your cares behind for a couple of days. However, that's not the way it happened for me. Like last year, I found myself physically and emotionally and exhausted, stretching myself to the point where I almost snap. Granted I did not do formal (sorority) recruitment this year, but it kind of feels like it with all the running around I've been doing lately. And by running around I mean going back and forth from my apartment to classes, meetings, student organization activities, etc. 


Over the last few days, I've begun to get the feeling that I'm going through somewhat of a starting-over period. Although campus and University life isn't exactly new to me, there are definitely some things that are: I am living in an apartment as opposed to a dorm, I have a rather tedious courseload unlike the previous two semesters, and I'm involved in a lot more clubs and organizations. All of that has got me on quite a busy schedule. 


So far, apartment life has had it's fair share of ups and downs: I love having my own bedroom to myself, where I don't necessarily have to delegate the smallest of things with my roommate. I love having my own kitchen where I can cook my own food and not have to eat the same stuff all the time. And most of the time, I love living in an area that isn't quite smack dab in the middle of campus. 


Yet, it has not been easy either. The place isn't exactly in the best shape, so we've had to deal with getting a lot of stuff fixed or completely replaced altogether. Since it is a bit of a hefty walk, I frequently come back from my last class of the day feeling as if I am about to fall over. 


The hardest part is that I often tend to get lonely; my roommate and I both have rather busy schedules that keep us apart throughout the day. Some days I have to spend all of my meals eating by myself or walking back from town alone. 


And truth be told, I don't like being alone for long periods of time. Academically there are positive aspects to it because I'm able to easily focus on school work and do what I need to do. But eventually my mind will start to wander and my overactive imagination kicks into high gear. 


The good news is that I now know that I am not alone; I have finally started putting down my pride little by little and confiding in my friends and family members about things. It's comforting to know that I am not the only one trying to keep my expectations from being too high or finding a balance between my school work and social life (and not losing my sanity to either). 


I would say more, but it is fairly early to predict what exactly is going to happen. Nevertheless, I am doing what I can do remind myself that everything does happen for a reason, and that God is not going to give me more than I can handle. I know that I will learn from it and ultimately become a better and stronger person. Despite my frustrations and worries, I know that I just need to focus on the present moment and the rest will take care of itself.