Stream of Consciousness #13

I may sound as though I'm bragging when I say this, but I consider myself to have a pretty good memory. Not necessarily in the sense that I have the ability to remember the answer to every single question on a test, but more or less that I can recall the smallest of things from a particular memory. For instance, in some cases I remember vivid details of meeting certain friends, from the exact date that it was down to what we were both wearing that day. 


I have always wondered why that happens; why some memories get stuck in my head and others just simply fade away. It is some kind of omen that whoever is a part of that memory will become a significant person in my life? Or does it just occur for no specific reason at all? 


There was a time when I was afraid to say that I had a best friend or a group of best friends, because I didn't want anybody in my life to feel excluded. I wanted all my loved ones to feel like they meant a lot to me, because I once knew what it was like to think that no one cared at all. But then I began to understand that it's not always possible to be insanely close to every single person that you know; you're not always going to mesh with them, and some don't turn out to be trustworthy. 


The more I think about it, the more I realize that there are definitely people that I would prefer to be stranded on a desert island with more than anyone else. There are specific things that I sometimes wait to do, simply because I want a specific person(s) with me when I do it. You get the idea, right?


People say that you should learn to be your own person before you choose to be with someone else, and that you should know how to survive on your own. There is truth in that, but only to a certain extent. 


I'd like to think that having people in my life doesn't necessarily fill me, but it does make happier to have them there. I don't completely imitate them, but they do make me want to be a better person in my own right. And there's just something about them that brings a smile to my face; they have a type of energy that makes me want to be around them all the time.


And because of all that, they each have an important and special place in my heart. 


My family has often told me that I take general relationships too seriously; I fight too hard to spend time those that I care about and that I'm never willing to let go, even when they prove they don't give a damn about me. Both parts of those statements have been a struggle, but I have learned a lot, especially within the past year.


Don't expect too much, but rather cherish the time that you have. Know how to be honest and know how to forgive. Know when to fight and know when to let the friendship run its own course. 


There's no denying that friends will come and go out of your life; but the truest of them all will be standing in the doorway, regardless if you can see them or not.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Picking Up The Pen

What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know I. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I once received a fortune cookie that read: “Speak less of your plans, you’ll get more done.” What’s one project that you’ve been sitting on and thinking about but haven’t made progress on? What’s stopping you? What would happen if you actually went for it and did it?

Day 10-Speak Less


I have not done a whole lot of writing this summer, aside from blogging. There have been so many emotions, feelings and thoughts swirling around in my brain. From fictional story ideas to personal observations to poetry, it's all there. Yet I haven't really taken the time to get it all down, even in my private journal. It's not that I haven't had the time, energy, or even things to write about; it's actually a rarity for me to be at a loss for topics or ideas. 


There are two things that I always try to include in my writing: the first is elements of my own personality or certain experiences, if such applies. The second is a level of vulnerability and truth; when I write, I usually don't like to hold anything back, whether or not that concept pertains to language/word usage, opinions, etc. The way I see it, if you put a rein on yourself when you write, you're defeating the purpose of writing. And that purpose is to speak and to use your voice, regardless if you're trying to teach a lesson or just get something off of your chest. 


With that being said, it is important to be mindful of the fact that our words may come across as hurtful, and even more important to be considerate of how others might be effected by it. This is something that  I will most definitely elaborate on that more in my next entry. When I say "don't hold yourself back" when writing, I mean don't over-think about whether or not it will be considered "good." Personally, I tend to over think things before I even get them down on paper.


But there are times when the idea of being vulnerable scares the crap out of me, regardless if it's in person or in writing. I consider myself an open and honest person, with little to hide at that. Yet, laying all the cards out all the table can be jarring; until you say something, there's no way of knowing how someone will genuinely react to it. 


For instance, there is a specific topic that I've be wanting to blog about for quite some time, but haven't been sure as to how to introduce it. Whenever there would be media coverage on it, I felt a push to write about, yet never felt like I was ready. 


In terms of fictional pieces, most of the time the following questions go through my head: is this storyline/plot believable? Has this been done already? What can I do to make this story unique? They're good questions for any writer to ask, but are exhausting at the same time. A big part of me thinks it would be better to wait until I got back to school. 


And as far as my own personal thoughts? Maybe I just don't want to admit that I'm feeling a certain way about what's going on in my life. There are times where I would rather suck it up than rather break down and say that I'm not doing good. Not to mention I become easily distracted when I'm journaling and eventually get a hand cramp from writing so much. 


That's not healthy at all. 


My only answer is this: What people are often afraid to say are the things that need to be said; and the longer you hold it in, the more damage you're doing to yourself. 


Side question: does anyone else experience that kind of problem/difficulty?


                                                                                                                                                         

Throw It All Together and You Get...ME

Good and bad are but names very readily transferable to that or this; the only right is what is after my constitution, the only wrong what is against it. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

We are our most potent at our most ordinary. And yet most of us discount our “ordinary” because it is, well, ordinary. Or so we believe. But my ordinary is not yours. Three things block us from putting down our clever and picking up our ordinary: false comparisons with others (I’m not as good a writer as _____), false expectations of ourselves (I should be on the NYTimes best seller list or not write at all), and false investments in a story (it’s all been written before, I shouldn’t bother). What are your false comparisons? What are your false expectations? What are your false investments in a story? List them. Each keep you from that internal knowing about which Emerson writes. Each keeps you from making your strong offer to the world. Put down your clever, and pick up your ordinary.

Day 9-My Ordinary

I had to read this prompt several times in order to fully understand what the author was talking about. Even as I write this post, I'm only doing so based on my interpretation of what the author is saying. In a way, it's a continuation of my last post, so it might be best to read that one first. 

I have always been rather aware of the fact that I'm not exactly like everyone else. Not just physically, but on an emotional level as well. However, I've been on the fence when it comes to how I feel about it. It's not something that I'm ashamed of, but I not particularly proud of it either; and by proud, I mean it's something that allows me to be on a pedestal of some kind or to claim that I'm better than others because of it. 

Without being overly specific about it, I would say that my "ordinary" is very much a multitude of things. I have a lot of different interests and enjoying spending time with different groups of people. For example, I can be reading a book one day and then be outside throwing a football the next. It all very much depends on how I feel. 


When it comes to current events, I'm extremely middle of the road. It's not that I don't care to pick a side, it's just that I would like to understand what both sides of an issue are saying before I form an opinion. 


I believe in using kind words, but also have a tendency to be a bit of a smartass; I call it sweet, with a little bit of spice. 


I like variety and having options; that's why I chose to attend a public University as opposed to a small liberal arts college. 


It seems like a lot of young generations (including mine) are under so much pressure to define themselves and/or to be "different" from their peers. My question is, why is it such a big deal? Is there ever a point where a person says knows exactly who they are and has it all figured out? Like it or not, we all change at some point. 


When it comes to being unique and being different, people see it in their own time. I've seen a number of musical artists who appear to be moving heaven and earth to maintain their individuality, yet it's now coming into question as to whether they're being themselves, or just being flat out obnoxious. Take Lady Gaga, for example. I enjoy her music, but some of the songs that she's been releasing after "Born this way" don't make any sense to me. Which leads me to ask, do these songs have a particular message, or is it just for shock value?


And I mean no disrespect to her in any way whatsoever. I think she's got an incredible amount of talent. What I'm trying to say is that there is a line between trying to be your own person and being in everyone else's face about it. If you have a point to make or a message to spread, by all means do so. But at some point, some will become overwhelmed or annoyed and just not want to listen anymore.


But that is why I say just be. I'm not going to constantly worry about defining myself, because I know that I'm in no control over what other people think. Just because you put a label on yourself doesn't mean you'll fit into it.


A friend jokingly once told me, "Alyx, you're just too much to handle!" What can I say? That's just me!

Celebrating Myself and The Beauty of Being

Imitation is Suicide. Insist on yourself; never imitate. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Write down in which areas of your life you have to overcome these suicidal tendencies of imitation, and how you can transform them into a newborn you – one that doesn’t hide its uniqueness, but thrives on it. There is a “divine idea which each of us represents” – which is yours?


Day 8-Divine Idea


Imitation has always been somewhat of a weakness for me; there have been many periods in my life where I have wanted things, and I believed that the key to getting what I wanted was to base my actions off of those who already had them. For instance, when I was in middle school thought that acting older meant cursing like a sailor (thankfully, that was in sixth grade and it only lasted for a year). There was a time when I believed being beautiful meant wearing make-up, and a ton of it at that. Honestly, I can't think of a time where I didn't somehow slip into a particular pattern because that's what supposedly worked for everyone else.


But what I've learned about imitation is that somehow it will come back around and bite you where it hurts. Not because what you're doing is a terrible thing, but because it's just not who you are. People don't succeed by directly following in the footsteps of those who have gone before them; they succeed by working hard and allowing their own creativity and personality to shine in the process. 


There is the whole idea that people change, which to a degree is true. But when a person doesn't necessarily change for the better, they will eventually run into a wall. No matter what kind of experiences or struggles you have in life, you never completely forget your core values or who you are on the inside. 


For me, stepping away from imitation meant facing a few truths about myself. One of the most important ones is that I'm not quite like everyone else, and that I have somewhat of a different perspective than most people my age. I didn't want to admit those things because I didn't want it to sound like I was better than anybody (which, for the record, I'm not). I didn't want to separate myself from my peers, either, because I get the feeling that some are intimidated by me as it is. 


Which leads me to say that there are a lot of traits and aspects that make me unique. However, I would prefer not to mention every single one of them; not because I'm ashamed, but  because I would rather have people see those unique things in me as opposed to me spelling them out. Actions speak louder than words, so I find that it's always better to live something out than verbally proclaim it. Plus, there's no harm in being a little bit mysterious, is there?


They say that good things come in small packages. I can only hope that I might be a diamond in the rough; you know, they kind that you can't really find anywhere else.


I don't believe that there are necessary steps to finding a sense of uniqueness in oneself. You just how to allow yourself to be, and eventually certain things will be revealed through emotion and action. Don't worry about putting a particular label on it, or how you will appear in the eyes of others. If there's one thing I have learned, it's that you have little to no control over what others think of you. 


Never be afraid to celebrate the things that make up exactly who you are. Even if you don't know exactly who you are as a person, don't fret. You will figure it out eventually.

Stream of Consciousness #12-Appreciation Mode

I haven't blogged like I usually do every week; from Monday up until now, my mind has been in a bit of a fog. My emotions are going haywire- one minute I am perfectly calm about all of it, and the next minute I am crying. Simply put, I am exhausted. 


Early Monday morning, I noticed that it was cloudy and I could hear thunder in the distance. I didn't think much of it, other than pulling the covers over my head and burrowing myself into the blankets because storms still somewhat scare me. But then I heard the wind, along with a bunch of trees shaking and a huge crash. I popped right out of bed and ran into my parents room, now believing that we were in the midst of a tornado. 


It only lasted about seven minutes. It seemed minor, but did a lot of major damage. One of my neighbor's trees fell on my house, but thankfully our tree that stood over it broke the fall and held it up for a day before completely falling onto the roof. 


Since we had no idea how long the power outage would last, we all spent the night at my grandparents house and took my brother to the airport the following morning (Tuesday). 


It wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be, but saying goodbye to my "little" brother was still incredibly difficult. I cried all the way out of the airport, and I got teary-eyed whenever I would see him update his statuses on Facebook. I sent him a text message saying "work hard and never give up!" before he had his phone taken away. His basic military training started at four thirty this morning (Thursday), and he is now on his way to becoming a part of the United States Air Force. 


It all feels incredibly weird. I felt the same way that I did when my friend left three years ago; like a part of me has been taken away. Yes, I understand that he hasn't died. But he is no longer just a regular civilian, and he no longer lives at home. His car is still in the driveway and we will have to eventually box up his room. There are so many other things that will be different, but I don't want to type them all out. 


I know it's only been two days, but I miss him already. 


In other news...


We have been in a hotel since then, due to our electricity being out. It came back on last night (Wednesday night) though, so we will probably check out and go back home. I honestly don't have a clue as to what will happen as far as the trees sitting on top of our house. I keep hearing different things in terms of safety and removal. It probably won't happen until Monday. There wasn't a lot of damage done aside from a broken garage window, but there is speculation that more damage will be done in the process of getting the trees off of the house. I am surprisingly, more calm about that then I am about my brother. I want his address already so I can find out how everything is going. 


In the middle of all this, I am thankful and appreciative of the following things:

• My brother and sister, even if they do annoy me to no end. I know that both of them would do just about anything for me, and vice versa. 
• The fact that we did not have a lot of damage done to our home, compared to others. One neighbor down the road had nine oak trees completely uprooted, and insurance is only going to cover the one that hit his deck. 
• The fact that we do have insurance.
• Being able to enjoy a nice, juicy steak, apple pie (my favorite!) and custard. Mind you, this was not all in one day
• All the men and women in the military who are serving and have served our country
• Seeing a light switch turn on
• My parents, who have made and are still making huge sacrifices in order for us kids to be where we want to be. 
• The fact that my brother gets to do what he has wanted to do since he was a young boy.
• The fact that I can now focus on getting the rest of the things that I need for my apartment. And that I am moving into an apartment when I get back to school. 

I am blessed. That's all I can say

A New Chapter...Well, Sort Of

It's no secret that graduating high school and going away to college was a big change for me. I went off on my own path and was able to thrive based on the new experiences that I was having. Yet, life at home wasn't all that much different then when I left. But it may not be that way for much longer.


My brother will be leaving for the Air Force Academy in about four days. At the beginning of August, I will move into my own apartment and soon after be starting my sophomore year of college (along with staying at school for the following summer). From that point on, my sister will pretty much be the only child in the house, albeit she is turning thirteen toward the end of September.


So yes, I'd say that it's a pretty big change.


I've been up and down, back and forth, whatever you want to call it, as far as how I feel about the whole thing. When I found out that he had gotten in, I jumped for joy so much that I backed into my dresser and fell over. But since then, I've experienced moments where I've just completely broken down in tears over the whole thing; most recently when I woke up at one in the morning on the fourth of July. 


Lately I've been trying to convince myself that it really isn't a big deal; in a way, he's just going to college. Meaning, he'll be taking classes, getting a degree, as well as wrestling. He'll get a couple days off for thanksgiving and Christmas, and be allowed to come for home for a couple of weeks during the summertime. 


However, he'll be gone for about sixteen years as part of his military service. While he's there, they're going to break him down and build him back up all over again, which seems slightly scary. He's not going to be the same person that he was before he went in; which I guess happens to about everyone, regardless of where they go. But the truth is, he has been sort of like my twin/other half. Or at least he was until my sister came along. 


I have been through something similar to this; three years ago, I had a friend who was going to be leaving for the same reason, although it was a different branch of the Armed Forces. I supported his decision, but nonetheless I still wondered "what is life going to be like after this?" and "what in the heck am I going to do without you?" It was a tough time for me personally, as well as for our friendship. Add that my perception of God and faith sort of darkened, mostly as a result. It was actually right around this time, so I guess that's why I'm feeling an extra-dose of sadness; even though it's very much in the past, I still manage to recall it very well every time the month of July rolls around. 


On the other side of it all, this is what my brother has wanted to do for most of his life. I was able to go where I wanted, and now it's his turn. 


As much as I worry about how my family will handle it, there is only so much any of us can do to prepare ourselves for what is to come. In all actuality, I don't know what will happen or what won't happen. Some things are meant to be learned beforehand, and others are meant to be learned along the way. 


And unlike three years ago, I'm not stuck at home trying to bide my time while my brother flies off into the wild blue yonder. I'll be going back to school in August, and I have my own personal goals and aspirations to focus on. I can only cry for so long. 


I hope that this will be a time of moving forward in a positive way, as opposed to getting stuck in a rut and mourning over things that are, naturally, just a part of life. People have to grow up at some point. Just because you may be separated from someone doesn't mean that you have to stop caring about them or thinking about them. 


Besides, as long as you carry that person in your heart, that's what counts the most.

What I Know

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

We live in a society of advice columns, experts and make-over shows. Without even knowing it, you can begin to believe someone knows better than you how to live your life. Someone might know a particular something better – like how to bake a three-layer molten coconut chocolate cake or how to build a website – but nobody else on the planet knows how to live your life better than you. (Although one or two people may think they do.) For today, trying asking yourself often, especially before you make a choice, “What do I know about this?”


Day 7-I Know This


I can most definitely identify with this topic. It seems like these days there are so many resources out there that claim to have all the "answers"; talk-show hosts, therapists, pastors, self-help books...you name it. Add friends and family into the mix, and it becomes even more overwhelming. 


But what I've begun to see is that not everything works for everyone. Just because someone gives you advice doesn't mean you have to necessarily take it, and/or that it's the right path to take. Don't get me wrong, I love and appreciate people who take the time to try and help me work through a situation. But I have been learning to respectfully disagree with someone when I feel the need to. Instead, I think about the things that I have learned- the things that I have come to know from my own experiences. 


1. Not everyone will see things the way you do; it doesn't matter how many times you try to sit a person or a group of people down and explain it, they're just not going to get it. 


2. You cannot fully protect yourself from pain or suffering. 


3. No matter how rough the road may be, you'll get through it. It may take awhile, but you will. 


4. It's OK to admit that certain days, months, etc. just suck. It doesn't mean that life in general sucks, but everybody has their bad moments.


5. In order to love or take care of someone else, you have to be able to do the same for yourself. 


6. Regardless of what magazines or books say, when it comes to any kind of relationship, it's all about communicating openly and the ability to be yourself. 


7. There are some things in life, that you can't necessarily "try" to be good at. For example; flirting and being sexy. Those things just have to come naturally.


8. Beauty is not about what you look like, but rather how you feel. If you feel good, then chances are  that the people around you will notice.


9. Don't ever make judgments against a person for their bad choices when at one time you either thought about or went about doing the exact same thing. 


10. On second thought, don't ever judge someone based on what another person tells you. Meet them first and then form an opinion. 


11. You can do things for the right reasons, but still end up going about it in the wrong way.


12. Cutting someone out of your life does not necessarily mean you're cutting them out of your heart. No amount of picture deleting or lack of contact with erase the memories or the times that you had together.


13. The only time you should ever regret a relationship isn't when you didn't learn from it or grow from it.


14. It's important to know when to just listen and when to give advice. 






Maybe I'm wrong by some of those things. But nevertheless, that is what I know.

The Courage to Connect

To fully understand what I am talking about, you might want to read  my previous entry "This I Believe", which you can find here


Day 6-Connection

Men imagine that they communicate their virtue or vice only by overt actions, and do not see that virtue or vice emit a breath every moment. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Who is one person that you’ve been dying to connect with, but just haven’t had the courage to reach out to? First, reflect on why you want to get in touch with them. Then, reach out and set up a meeting.

Connection: a basic human interaction that I love, but something I found myself genuinely afraid to do (especially during this past school year). No, it’s not that I didn’t make friends or that I didn’t talk to people, but only to a certain extent. I allowed many to see my strengths, but not my weaknesses; I felt that if I did, they would somehow see me differently or feel this unwarranted obligation to take care of me. And before I opened up to anybody, I had to have this definite reassurance that that kind of thing wasn’t going to happen. But even when they did reassure me, I still felt the urge to put on a brave face because I didn’t want to come across as a negative or bitter person.

Again, my freshman year was extremely eye-opening and wonderful. But there were definitely times where I felt lonely and wanting to get to know someone but not really knowing how to approach them.

I don’t normally consider myself to be a shy person: during the first week that I moved in, I had no problem knocking on neighboring doors or stopping people in the halls and introducing myself. When I went out, I hardly thought twice about asking a guy to dance in a dimly lit night club (well, unless another girl got to him first). But I do have some insecurities, which have kept me from talking to people (at least right away).

For example, I have a friend whom I have known for close to two years. We met in my junior of high school and wound up at the same college together. Despite the fact that I’ve known her for some time, I would get intimidated and afraid to go talk to her every time we ran into each other. Or, there were people that I would see frequently around campus, but it took me awhile to do it simply because they had an aura of sorts that made me think “well, it’s not if I should talk to them, but how.” I would find out that most of the time it was easier than I made it out to be.

In turn, I’ve realized that there are times when I, personally, can be difficult to approach. I understand that just be seeing how I walk, people may or may not know what to say to me. That’s why when I’m walking around, I do my best to always say hi to those that I know and to smile while I’m at it. It’s my little way of saying “I don’t bite; you can talk to me.” I will clarify that there are times where if someone is joking around with me, I may look like I’m taking it too seriously. The truth is, I don’t always know how to respond in a way that is somewhat, if not equally funny.

To some, connecting with others may be easier these days because of the advances that have been made in technology. Facebook almost literally allows a person to see what another is doing and when. Texting and skype enable people to communicate with each other anywhere, anytime (for the most part). And the best part is that it’s all behind a computer screen.

But over the years I’ve seen that communication and technology can be both be a double edged sword. When texting, tweeting, or facebook chatting, you have to make sure that what you’re saying doesn’t end up getting interpreted the wrong way. Just because you write on someone’s “wall” doesn’t mean they will necessarily write back. Heck, just because someone has a Facebook doesn’t mean they’ll use it all the time. Not too many people have landlines these days, so if their cell phone breaks and they can’t get a new one right away, you’re pretty much screwed when it comes to talking to that person.

It’s not that technology is completely harmful and/or useless. I use it not because it’s always easier, but at times it’s the only option I have. Life gets busy and there are time periods where my friends and I aren’t always able to sit down and catch up. So we do whatever is necessary to keep in touch, even if it’s somewhat superficial. I think that’s why I post my blog links to Facebook; because there are instances when there isn’t even a whole lot a time to even talk on the computer. It’s my way of saying “we may not be able to really talk right now, but here’s what’s going on in my life and how I feel about it.”

I’ve learned that connecting isn’t always about sitting down and telling someone your life story. Sometimes it’s just having lunch together or telling a friend about what you did over the weekend. Sometimes it’s whispering back and forth over a really boring lecture. Sometimes it’s laughing your butt off over stupid jokes. And sometimes it’s just saying a simple hello or giving somebody a hug.

And a lot of the time, it’s not about waiting for the “right” moment to do it; frankly, the right moment is often whenever there is an opportunity being presented.

With the original question in mind, yes, there are several people that I’d like to re-connect with, or perhaps even just connect for the first time. I can name at least five or six people; the issue is, it is more often a matter of being able to talk to them; as I indicated previously, some don’t have working cell phones (or I don’t have their numbers), don’t use Facebook a whole lot, or are just flat out busy. The best thing I can personally do right now is just to appreciate whatever amount of time someone can give me, even if it’s just five minutes.  My goal is to have been able to connect with certain people, or getting to know them all over again, by the end of 2011. 

Yes, digital connection may be the easiest thing to do. But I need to be able to look at a person and actually speak to them. That, I believe is how you get to know someone; not by the things that they tell you, but what you notice about them.