Looking Back-Stream of Conscience #11

Note: This post may sound incredibly vague; I wanted to be honest, but not include specific details because I have no way of knowing what will or will not happen. Please be respectful of that. 

Not too long ago, my Mom and I were looking through old family photos to use for a picture board at my brother's graduation/going away party. She happened to find a picture of me where I was wearing this trademark grin of mine; the kind of smile that where anyone who sees it usually knows that I'm extremely happy, for whatever reason. Still looking at, she said "you used to be so happy...what happened?" 

This wasn't the first time she had asked that kind of question. In past occurrences, I had always blamed it on the pitfalls of middle school and nothing else. I used to say to myself, if none of that stuff had happened, maybe things would be different. Sure, they would be different, but it’s hard to speculate how exactly.

There have been times where if I had had the chance to do so, I would go back and re-do certain things. But in retrospect, I understand that those things did take place for a reason; had they not, I probably wouldn’t have met some incredibly beautiful people. I wouldn’t have come to understand that there is something bigger than myself, and that it’s important for me to have a sense of faith and spirituality in my life.

When I really think about it, I find it better that I experienced all of that stuff during a time that isn’t so monumental (generally speaking) rather than have to experience it during high school or even college. It was a stepping stone into different chapters of my life; chapters that ultimately led me to where I need to be as of right now.

Right now, I’m beginning to understand that there was another big factor that contributed to that time in my life. Deep down I probably knew about it from the time I was ten, but preferred more to look the other way and try to pretend that it didn’t exist. But like every struggle, it doesn’t matter how old you get or where you run to in order to escape it, it will still be there until you learn to face it head on.

And even though I am willing to face this reality, as well as other realities that may follow suit, I admit that sometimes I really have no idea how to cope with it.

One of the main things that has been really bugging me is when people in my life have said (and continue to say) “I can’t change” or, “because of such and such, this is how I am and there is nothing that I or anyone else can do about it.”

Personally, I think that’s a load of crap.

I understand that there are some aspects that one cannot change; some can’t change the way they were raised or the hardships they had to deal with. But regardless of what happens, everyone has a choice when it comes to how they’re going to respond to it.

For a long time, I had adopted that line of thinking: I began to tell myself that I couldn’t change because of what I went through. Maybe my life was just going to be full of fear, anger, missed opportunities and unhealthy relationships.

However, that kind of negativity was definitely not getting me anywhere.

And that is what baffles me so much about those that live by that particular attitude. It probably makes sense  because it is so much easier than taking responsibility for your actions or at least trying to make an effort to heal. But I have seen children  pay a high price because their parents weren’t willing to get themselves together. I have seen the parents of those parents bend over backwards trying to clean up the messes of their grown up children, when they should have been taking the time to enjoy their retirement benefits.

Which leads me to ask, if not for yourself, then isn’t your family and/or the people you love enough of a motivation?

I want to rise above my personal history, as well as my family history, and live my own life. There are things that I have forgotten how to do, and I need to learn how to go about doing those things in order to become emotionally healthy again. I am seriously considering getting counseling when I go back to school. But I also need to surround myself with good people who are willing to hold me accountable for my actions and to let me know when to stop being so damn stubborn.

If there is one thing that I am grateful for, it’s that I’m realizing this stuff now instead of ten or twenty years down the road. But while I may going through a tough time, that does not mean that I am going to wallow in pain and become a bitter person because of it. Unlike five years ago, I know  that healing is not waiting for the wounds to close up, but rather moving forward and working toward becoming whole again. 

Surprised, Much?

Day 5-Surprise

I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Think of a time when you didn’t think you were capable of doing something, but then surprised yourself.  How will you surprise yourself this week?

When I read this topic for the first time, I scratched my head trying to think of something to write about. There are so many things that have happened and so many things that I have done, where I have come out of it thinking Did I really just do/say that? to where it's almost impossible to pick just one. But then I read it again, and that it dawned on me: my entire life has been filled to the brim with endless surprises; it has been that way since the day I was born, and probably will be until the day that I die. 

When I was an infant, the doctors were extremely skeptical that I would survive. At that time, most babies who were born as prematurely as I was didn't live very long. It took about four months worth of hospital stays, tubes of medicine and plenty of kicking and screaming, but I did come home a happy and healthy little girl. 

A year later, I was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. My parents were given a list of physical tasks that I supposedly would never be able to do. The main ones took a little motivation from the arrival of my brother, but I did it. I went on to play various sports, win a gold medal and graduate from high school. 

Nearly twenty years after that, not many people thought I would go away to college. They expected me to stick around locally, or a small private school at best. But I had bigger dreams than that; I would be damned if I allowed physicality, or even finances to keep me from doing what I felt was right. So despite the worries from family members (I even heard through the grapevine that some of them had made a bet on how long it be before I came home), I packed my bags and took off for Iowa. Needless to say, when I came back for a semester break, those that had expressed concern politely apologized. 

It's funny how the power of faith and the human spirit can take precedence over a medical diagnosis. In other words, I may have a handicap in regards to scientific studies and the human body, but that does not mean I have to allow those "limits" to forge the path that I should take; it does not determine who I will be or what I will do. In my eyes, they're just words and nothing else. 


I also believe in the power of confidence, and how it can propel you to overcome things that maybe you thought you couldn't. It honestly isn't natural for me though; I have to actually do something, maybe multiple times over, before I can become completely comfortable with it. But the whole reason I've accomplished so much is because of my ability to feel secure with whatever it is I'm doing. 


However, it's not just the physical aspects of myself that tend to throw me for a loop; it is partially emotional as well. There are times where I can be feisty and aggressive, and I'm becoming less shy about calling it as I see it. I may appear to be a tiny little furball, but I have the strength and determination of a tiger. That will all speak for itself at some point or another. 


I'm not saying that I'm a people pleaser, but I don't deny that I get a kick out of proving people wrong; there have been moments where I've wanted to stand up on anything ridiculously tall and say "look at me now!" Or at the very least go up to someone that ever had doubts (believe me, there are some) and say "I told you so." 


I think that I often surprise a lot people, especially when it comes to my family. Then again, perhaps that's a good thing; it means that I'm not always predictable and I'm not as easy to read as some might believe.


I have come a long way to get to where I am today. But that doesn't mean I'm done yet...not by a long shot.

This I Believe (But Maybe, You Don't)

Day 4-One Belief

It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

The world is powered by passionate people, powerful ideas, and fearless action. What’s one strong belief you possess that isn’t shared by your closest friends or family? What inspires this belief, and what have you done to actively live it?

It may a bit uncommon, unconventional and not quite the smartest belief to hold dear. To some, I might as well be jumping off a cliff and not bring a parachute with me to ensure a safe landing. On a more literal level, I might very well be opening a door to allow my heart to be battered, bruised and eventually smashed to pieces. 


Regardless of what anyone says, I wholly believe in taking the time to invest in people; to talk to them and get to know them, no matter what kind of relationship it is or what the future may bring. 


From what I read on Facebook, Twitter, etc. it seems like the main idea in terms of how we relate to others is this: That it's better to be lonely than to be hurt, and in order not to get hurt, we must keep them at arms length. And if we do end up becoming close to someone, the only way it can be deemed successful is if that particular is free from any sort of pain, betrayal, etc. If not, it becomes an unspoken regret, as well as a waste of time.


To put it plainly, the only way to not regret forming a particular relationship is if it works out exactly the way we want it to. 


But I don't think that's true; at least, I don't think that should be true. I have had some relationships (or if you really want to get technical, I'll just call them friendships) that have started quickly and ended quickly. Some that have lasted for a long time and are still going strong. Some where we're really close, but just aren't talking right now because life has kept us both extremely busy. But no matter the situation, I do not regret the time that I've spent with them. Ultimately, I do not regret having the be a part of my life.


There have definitely been a lot of people that have let me down; friends, family...oh heck, there have been times where I feel as if God has let me down. But that does not mean that I don't care about them or that I'm not willing to forgive them; there are people, especially friends, who will always have a special place in my heart. We may have endured a tough road together, but I still have wonderful memories as well as wonderful things that I've learned from them.

And that is why I choose not to regret investing in those relationships, or any relationship. I may have been hurt at some point, but I learned many things about myself, about the relationship as a whole and about life. Now this is just my personal opinion here, but if you come out of a relationship having learned something, then who’s to say that it was a waste?

The other side of the issue is the concept of pain. It’s only natural to not want to get hurt. Nobody wants to experience being lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of, etc. So a person decides to keep another (or several) at arms-length; in the end, they may not get their heart broken, but what other benefits does it truly provide? It doesn’t bring full joy or laughter.  From my perspective, it doesn’t seem to do a whole lot of good.

  Through my own experiences, the one fact that I cannot dispute is that pain is inevitable. You can try and protect yourself all you want, but eventually you will experience some form of brokenness or hardship. Not just in relationships, but in life as well. That’s not to say you should walk around with a negative attitude or completely focus on it, but rather just accept it and deal with it when it happens.

It’s like locking yourself up in a house because you don’t want to run the risk of anything bad happening. You just don’t get to experience the possibilities and the opportunities because you’re not willing to take a chance. I don’t know about everyone else, but that does not seem like a healthy way to live.

And maybe I’m getting a little off-topic here, but I don’t think it’s fair to put someone else’s faults on other people. To be specific, someone hurt you and you tell the next person that comes along “I’m not going to put a whole lot of effort into this, nor am I going to trust you because of what happened in the past.” It’s completely normal to be cautious, but only to a certain extent.

There’s a little saying that I have: “Don’t let the pain of the past keep you from having joy in the future.” That is true not just for relationships, but for life as well.

With that being said, I don’t think that one should just go and tell the entire world every little detail about themselves. There are definitely times and circumstances where it’s not always a good idea to be a completely open book. It may seem that way when I am blogging, but I do hold back certain details in my writings, mostly for the sake of my loved ones and that there are a lot of sick people out there in cyberspace.

When it comes to investing and knowing when to trust somebody, it’s hard to tell from the get-go. You really don’t know what will happen a month, a year or a couple of years down the road. All you can really do is trust your instincts and know that genuine relationships of any sort tend to take a lot of time. In other words, don’t try to explain your life story to someone right when you start getting to know them. Let them slow pick up on the little things about you and then talk about the deep stuff when you’ve known each other long enough.

I realize that not everyone may agree with what I’m saying here, and that’s perfectly fine. Every situation is different and each person has their own way of dealing with this kind of stuff. All I know is that I, personally, do not want to spend my life feeling lonely and cut off from people that could potentially be bright lights in my life. I spent the majority of middle school doing so, as well as a portion of high school; I don’t want that to be what I remember about my college years.

Lucille Ball once said, “I would rather regret the things that I did do then the things that I didn’t do.” Never have I found that to be more true than right now.

For Myself...And No One Else

Day 3-My Own Path

When good is near you, when you have life in yourself, it is not by any known or accustomed way; you shall not discern the foot-prints of any other; you shall not see the face of man; you shall not hear any name;—— the way, the thought, the good, shall be wholly strange and new. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Can you remember a moment in your life when you had life in yourself and it was wholly strange and new? Can you remember the moment when you stopped walking a path of someone else, and started cutting your own?


I wrote an earlier blog post for the Reverb10 project, detailing the first time that I decided to do something because it's what I genuinely wanted (I would recommend reading that before reading this particular post any further). However, that was only the beginning; there were many things that happened afterward that cultivated into this particular realization. 


It wasn't a moment in itself, but rather a series of moments. In the first few days of walking around campus, I felt as though this combination of weights and burdens had been lifted off my shoulders: I no longer had to play the role (if you want to call it that) of this older daughter who frequently had to be strong and hold the fort down for her family. I didn't have to tell my parents everything I did, nor did I have to seek their approval before I did something. I didn't have to worry about our financial situation. I was paving my own way and living my life the way I wanted to live it. And I must say, it felt pretty freaking good. 


That kind of outlook helped me to deal with choices that I would be lead to make in the near future: rushing for a sorority for a second time, (and as of right now, a third) and opting to live an apartment for my second year of college as opposed to a dorm. And although this is not a definite decision yet, I have begun to seriously consider staying on campus next summer. 


Of course, all of these choices have been met with some objections: Am I sure that I'm ready for this? What if...? 


I recently sat down with my parents as we discussed my resisting advice or help in the past, along with how that correlated to these decisions that I was being led to make. All in all I told them, "I need to do what I want, on my own terms and in my own time." 


From these words, one could argue that I am being a selfish and defiant teenager. Truth be told, I have always been a rather stubborn little lady. My mom used to tell me that when I was in the hospital, I would kick off my diapers and frequently try to reconnect my arms and legs from whatever the heck they were hooked up to. In fact, it took me four months to come home from the hospital because I had to gain a certain amount of weight (apparently I refused to eat, or I probably spit it all back up) and I was unable to breathe on my own. In short, I didn't do anything until I was damn well ready to. 


But sometimes it's good to be selfish. The way I see it, there are two kinds of selfishness. One is where you choose to do what you want, but you're basically telling anyone who objects to you decision(s) to go to hell. The second is where you're aware of the feelings of the people around you, but you also understand that there comes a point where you need to take care of yourself my choosing to pursue your own dreams. And more so, you're able to communicate that with those people. 


I realize that a lot of my choices and decisions have seemed out of the ordinary or just downright crazy. I understand that my parents miss me when I'm away from home, and that my choosing to do what I do requires a lot of money. But I wouldn't (and still don't) do anything unless I whole-heartedly believe that I will grow and benefit from that particular decision. I choose to do things because I strongly feel that it will be for the better, and that it will help me in becoming who I am meant to be. 


And order to become the best that you can be, sometimes you have to do things that not necessarily everyone else will agree with, nor will it be what they want for you.


I've said this before and I'll say it again: everything has its moment. I believe that my moment is now.


I have just set up an e-mail account for this blog: if you would like to e-mail me with questions, comments, etc. you can do so at akwords21@gmail.com 

Yes, There Has Been a Communication Breakdown

Day 2-What I am Afraid To Do
The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.

I've been debating for the last forty-five minutes in regards to what I should write about; No, it's not that I can't come up with an idea, because I always have something in my head. It's just that when I'm thinking about multiple things, I become indecisive. In this case, it's more of "do I write about the topic that that's considered 'happy'? Or 'not happy'?" 

Yet, this has been swimming around in my mind for a good amount of time. It does scare me to talk about it, being that it is one of my weaknesses and I am slightly afraid of how those that read my blog will react to it. If nothing else, at least I can get it off my chest. 

I have always been one to tell people, (especially friends) that if they have a problem with me or I do something hurtful toward them, to come and talk to me about it. Little did I know how hard those words would hit me straight in the face, mostly in the last couple of months. 

I've never been good at going to someone personally and telling it like it is, whether it be about them or not. There have been times where I have confided in someone, only to be told that it is wrong to feel the way that I do, or that those feelings are just a product of my imagination. Most of the time though, it's because I don't want to blow a situation out of proportion, nor do I like arguing or yelling. Hence, I normally choose not to bring it up and hope that the passage of time itself will smooth things over. 


My biggest fear is not having the ability to find the right words, but rather how the person will take it. Not very many people like or appreciate being confronted (even if that's not how the talker is intending to do it, which I'll get to later), so it's only natural for anyone on the other side to feel defensive. There is a chance that one might say "You're being so selfish; you don't understand that I have my own life to deal with. I feel like you expect too much from me." 


And while I'm not one hundred percent perfect at it, I do my best to be understanding of various situations. I understand that some work a lot and/or take  classes, so either one or both of those things take up a lot of their time. I understand that sometimes things come up where one has to cancel on another and reschedule whatever they're doing. I understand that technology is a pain, and that sometimes people just simply forget (or get drunk beforehand and forget because they're drunk). I understand that people are human, as am I.


But even though I do what I can to put myself in others' shoes, is it so wrong to feel somewhat neglected, or at least forgotten? If nothing else, is it wrong to want to be acknowledged and to at least know that that person is thinking of you? 


I understand that there are circumstances where one should simply dust the dirt off their shoulders and keep going. But if something happens repeatedly or on a regular basis (in other words, it becomes a cycle) then I definitely think it's an issue that needs to be addressed.  If it's not addressed and the cycle keeps going on and on, there will come a point where the roof will cave in, so to speak. 


I've said this before, but I am not particularly good at verbal communication, which is also partially the reason why I write as well as why I blog. However, there are times when talking to someone personally is most effective. It all depends on the way one goes about it. 


Let whomever you're talking to know right away that you're not out to attack them-It's important to let the person know that what they're doing to you isn't OK, but you don't want them to get angry in return so that they won't listen to what you're saying. Be firm and let them know that you're not taking any BS, but do your best not to become angry to the point where hurtful words can possibly start flying. 


Explain how you feel, but also acknowledge that you're also doing your best to try and see things from their perspective-This shows that not only are you trying to be honest with them, but you're also thinking about how they feel as well. 


Ask them if they understand what you're saying, and then allow them to explain their side-I've said this previously, but sometimes a situation can look like a notebook; one person sees the lined paper side, and the other sees the plain side. You're not only communicating with them so that they know how you feel, but it's important to take into account how the other person/people feel too. 


What the other person/people can do...


Listen-it's a very simple thing, really. Just listen to what they have to say, without interrupting. It may be hard to hear, but regardless if their view is justified or not, it is how they feel. And if you genuinely care about whomever is telling you these things, then you should care about their feelings. 


Make sure you completely understand what the person is telling you, and if not, ask for clarification-The conversation will be pointless if one or both persons walk away asking  "what did he/she mean by that?"


What can be done by both...


Keep Talking-it might be hard to get together because of work, school, etc. but that doesn't mean that you still can't be involved in each other's lives. Keep each other accountable for bad habits or pet peeves toward one another. 


But most of all, be patient...especially if either one or both people isn't used to being so open and honest. 


I realize that I sound like I have it all figured out, but I don't. I only just started doing this, and it has mostly been with my Mom. It may sound like common sense, but it actually takes a lot of work and patience. 


I've heard of marriages crumbling because the couple didn't know how to talk to each other and meet each other's needs. There have been friendships in my life that have died because I didn't immediately go to them and tell them how I felt about a situation; instead I let it sit and boil over, or I would talk someone else and eventually it would get back to that friend. I currently have friendships that don't have a lot of life in them because I haven't been talking to them, which for certain people is something that I used to be completely comfortable with doing. 


I may not be able to change the past, but I certainly don't want this fear of mine to shape my future.

Five Years Back and Five Years Forward

I am now starting a new blogging project, entitled Trust30, based on the re-issuing of Ralph Waldo Emerson's book, "Self Reliance." For thirty days (either on a Monday or a Friday), I will post a blog based on each prompt that is e-mailed to me. I would like to split it up a little bit and still continue to write about my own topics though, so this type of post will mostly likely take place on a Friday. 


Day 1-Five Years

There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

What would you say to the person you were five years ago? What will you say to the person you’ll be in five years?

Five years ago, I was fourteen. 


Dear Fourteen year-old Self, 


You're at a time in your life when things are a mixture of good and bad. On one hand, you have realized that you cannot do everything on your own (a lesson you will learn repeatedly in the next five years) and have allowed others to help carry those burdens that have been weighing on your shoulders for the last year and a half. You're very much involved with your church and youth group and it is having such a positive impact on your life. And above all us, you finally feel like you have friends that genuinely love you exactly as you are. 


But on the other hand, life isn't still as bright and full of sunshine as you would like it to be. School is tough because you're still dealing with everything that happened the year before. You're carrying a lot of anger toward many people: you're angry at friends who really have not been your friends. Forgive them and let them go; if they're meant to be in your life, they will continue to do so. But there are other beautiful people around you that want to hang out with you and want to be there for you, but you don't notice because you're so busy focusing on people that don't really matter. 


I know that life at home is still difficult. It seems like Mom and Dad don't understand how you're feeling, because it doesn't seem like they want to hear what you have to say. That is partially true, but you have to understand that parents can only do so much to protect their kids from all the crap that goes on in the world. You may not realize this right now, but you and your siblings are the center of your Mother's universe. I'm sure if she was able to do it, she would have shut those girls up one way or the other. That's why she and your Dad will push you to attend a private high school versus a public high school


It won't happen for awhile (more like the summer before your sophomore year of college), but you and Mom will eventually talk about it. You will talk about a lot of things that you are terrified to talk about right now at this time. Until then, talk to the people that do understand. 


Speaking of which, it's perfectly fine to be completely comfortable with sharing details with certain friends that you would never share with anyone else. There is one person, possibly two people whom you'll see in that way. They're wonderful and you're blessed to have them. But unfortunately, you're going to take them for granted, despite the fact that you won't realize it then and there. Stop bitching to them about the small stuff and ask "How are YOU doing today?" There will come a point where the gravity of what they're dealing with will hit you square in the face; not now obviously, but a couple years down the road. 


In general, darling, you're going to be a late bloomer in certain areas. Do not feel bad about it, because everything has its moment. Not everybody "peaks" in middle school, or even high school for that matter. You will become the woman that you're meant to become when you get older. 

An Interesting Question

I have been, and still am occasionally told that I am "mature for my age", wise beyond my years", etc. As of right now, I don't really believe that, because I think it's very much based on perception and not necessarily a fact. It kind of puts me into a category (which I'm not a fan of) as well as continue to give young generations a bad reputation.


In a way, I do understand that it's a compliment; it's saying that I live my life in a positive manner and it's something that makes me unique. Yet, I don't know if I'm at a point where I can embrace it rather than reject it.


There are quite a few reasons pertaining to why I consider it a gray area. After talking with my Mom, I asked myself Would certain things have happened already, had I not been living with this particular and advanced mindset? To put it in simpler terms, would my life be any different if I had spent most, if not all of it "acting my age"?


In order to figure that out, it's important to go back to where it all started.


From the time I was a little girl, I always wanted to be older: when I was five, I wanted to be ten. When I was ten, I wanted to be fourteen. And when I was fourteen, I wanted to be eighteen. My mind was always a certain number of years ahead of where I was supposed to be. And I think that was because I was frequently around adults. Even when I became a teenager, I was always gravitating toward those that were older than me.


The other thing that probably has been playing a key role is the concept of self-reliance. As I've said in previous blog entries, the time when I was twelve/thirteen was a rainstorm.  Even though now I know that it was hard for others because they didn't know what to say or do to make it better. But during that time period, I learned to accept that I was alone.


 For a long time,I depended on my own strength in order to get through it. The one positive element in all of it is that made an impact in regards to how I treat people, and that it's important to really get to know someone before making judgments against them.


The walls came down for a little bit from eighth grade until my senior year of high school, when I was very much involved with my church; I openly discussed what I was struggling with at the time, and felt as though I had a strong sense of spiritual direction in ,my life.


Upon my high school graduation, the walls sort of came up again, but for different reasons and in different ways. It wasn't because I didn't think anybody understood me or that I was going through a difficult time, but rather because I figured that I was becoming an independent adult and that's what adults were "supposed" to do. In other words, I rarely talked about the fact that I had cerebral palsy, I stopped asking for help (and hugs, for that matter) and I frequently pretended that things didn't bother me when it was the exact opposite.


At the time, I didn't necessarily think it was a terrible thing to do. I didn't want pity from anyone or to make them feel obligated to take care of me. The biggest thing was that I didn't want to cause any drama (especially with the guys).


Yet, what I tried to project as maturity probably was taken as a free pass to walk all over me. And you know what? That isn't OK. Sure, there are times when one shouldn't sweat the small stuff. On the other hand, there are also circumstances where a person needs to be told that what they did was hurtful. The tricky aspect is knowing when to speak up or when to let go.


In the midst of all that, I saw that I wasn't taking care of myself, and that I had needs that I wasn't fulfilling out of fear of what my peers would think.


I guess the one thing I worry about is not necessarily coming across as older, but rather appearing/seeming intimidating to others, for whatever reason. To be honest, I don't understand how that would even happen. I consider myself to be friendly and easily approachable. Then again, it's like looking at two different sides of a notebook: one side is some sort of color or design, and the backside is plain brown. What I see may not be what others see.


There's a part of me that thinks that it has a lot to do with the fact that I have a blog; that people may think that what I blog about reflects how I am in person. In a lot of ways, that is not true. I don't use big words in normal conversation, I don't have heart-to-heart's all the time, and I'm not as deep as I appear to be in my writing. My speaking voice and my writing voice both have a lot to do with my personality, but they're not the same thing.


Yet when all is said and done, I've discovered that I do genuinely appreciate my attitude and the way I live my life. Sure, it might be a little odd that I take comfort in watching TV shows like Extreme Make-Over: Home Edition or Oprah, (technically OWN now) but those are things that help me to grow as a person and keep life in perspective. 


Overall, if something helps or allows one to become a better person because of that element in their life, then what is there to be ashamed of? The better question would be, why should they be ashamed of it?


Maturity is something that I am currently thankful before due to the way that I am now communicating with my parents (well, my Mom at least. It will take some time with Dad). When I was in high school and for most of my freshman year of college, I usually never let them in on what was going on in my life. But now that I am becoming an adult, it has enabled me to sit down with them and say "this is how I feel and this is what I think." It's not an easy thing to do all the time, but it's a start. 


And that is something that I hope to do with my friends. There have been circumstances both in the past and present where I haven't exactly spoken up about it out of not knowing how to approach them or fear that they weren't going to take it very well. But now that we're getting older, I hope it's something we'll both become comfortable with, in terms of things that need to be talked about. 


After writing all of this, I now see that it's something that I have to deal with through whatever each day brings. Every person evolves differently and does so in there own time. I have finally just gotten to a point where I can accept myself physically, and hopefully soon there will come a point where I can accept myself emotionally as well.

Why I Write

I am a writer. I denied it for most of my childhood, even as I babbled out re-tellings of fairytales or coined imaginative pieces regarding my Mother having an evil twin who hid under my bed.  I didn't see it as anything special, but rather just something that I did without really thinking about it.  It wasn't something I had to try to do, as though the words just flowed from my brain to my fingertips, which is probably why my parents and most of my teachers were aware of it way before I was.


I don't recall one exact moment where I finally figured it out. When I was in middle school, my poetry class was doing some sort of open-mic/coffeehouse type thing and I chose to read my free-verse, given that I believed it to be the best of all the assignments I'd done for my portfolio. It was extremely personal and I still am not sure what possessed me to read it in front of the entire grade, but I did. I had a lot to say, and this was one of the few ways I knew to genuinely express myself.


I finished the final stanza and walked offstage to a hundred or so loud cheers; teachers and classmates approached me afterward to tell me that I had brought tears to their eyes. Later on, I kept thinking back to people's reactions and how those words, my words, had affected them. In the days and weeks that followed, I constantly felt the urge to share my writings with other people. Each time I did, the idea that I could actually do something with it became more apparent.

As the years have passed, I do continue to write poetry, but I'm more so inclined toward fiction and non-fiction, especially personal essays. I'm not sure what genre I would categorize my work in, but I do see it as a cross between Nicholas Sparks and Jodi Piccoult. My writing style depends on what I'm writing about, along with what I'm trying to get at in the heart of the piece. It's not as cut and dry as it's made out to be; it takes a lot of discipline to be able to write your ideas down on paper, and then sit down and crank out the details on a regular basis or schedule. You have to be intentional about it and you can't worry about how crappy it will look for the first go-around. I tend to look at rough drafts as word vomit, where the focus is just getting it all out on paper.

The second and perhaps most excruciating half of it is workshopping/ proofreading. The first time I ever did a serious workshop was in my creative writing class during second semester. It can be daunting at first because the aim is to get honest feedback, and sometimes readers will be less than kind and more than willing to completely rip into the piece because they can. In other words, some are not shy about calling a piece "complete bullshit" regardless of the writer's intentions. In the long run though, it really was (and is) helpful because it allowed me to see certain aspects of the piece that I hadn't noticed before. That in turn makes editing/revising a little bit easier.


Editing may appear to be simple, because all it seems like is just reviewing the comments/suggestions that were made and then changing whatever they say to change. But just because someone makes a suggestion doesn't mean they're right; you have to ultimately be the one to decide whether it agrees with what you're trying to say within the piece. During the editing process of the last story that I wrote, I was constantly asking myself "Is this plausible? Is this believable?" I second-guessed myself many times. But in the end, it all came together.


And of course there is the publishing side of it, which can be even more work than the writing itself. The literary industry is rather cut-throat, where you'll probably receive more rejections than you will acceptances. It's amazing how I've realized that such a profession is truly dependent on your talent as an artist, which is a big part of what determines your profession. As difficult as it is, I believe it is why God made me a fighter, and why I've grown up with such a fierce sense of determination; you have to be willing to keep going, no matter who or what tries to point out that it might be easier just to give up. 

The most important thing is not what one writes, by why. Sure, you can write to entertain people, but it doesn't make sense for that to be the sole reason. There has to be something other reason behind it; something that drives you and makes you truly want to write.


At the end of the year gala for my dorm floor, one of the guest speakers pretty much summed it up in this quote: 


Writing is for those for when spoken words have failed them


For some reason, I'm am not that good of a talker; It's not that I don't talk, it's just that most of the time I have trouble initially expressing my thoughts and opinions out loud. So when I am afraid to speak, especially if it's to say that I am not doing all right, I write about it. As juvenile and immature as the whole concept may seem, it's frequently the one thing I know how to do in terms of coping. Heck, my last post that I wrote (which you can find here) was basically me crying out to anyone who read it. Cowardly? Perhaps so. But when you've spent time trying to verbally tell someone how you're feeling and they don't care listen, where else is there to turn?


I have a voice, and I want to be heard


But it is not just for the sake of self-expression or therapy, but something deeper. I have always said that I want to be able to make a difference in the lives of other people. Through writing, whether it be in a book or on my blog, I hope to have some sort of positive effect on people; to be a sense of courage, inspiration and strength. 


Writing is not only (hopefully) my teaching platform, but one of the many gifts and talents that I have received from God. One of the worst things that anyone can do is to spend their lives wasting the gifts that God gave them. I don't know where I will end up ten years from now in regards to my career, but I have this feeling that it will have something to do with writing. Whether that be true or not, Lord only knows. But I'd rather know than wonder.

I can understand the doubt and skepticism that tends to be cast on being a writer, or any artist for that matter. There is no denying that it's a lot of work and more often than not, it turns into an uphill battle. That being said, it's sad that many are fed the lie that it is a useless profession.  Reading is not only an escape, but a way to educate. Words and music have an incredible power to heal and help a person cope. The world needs artists and creators, because without it, the rest of the world would go insane. It may not have the financial security of working in law or medicine, but it is still needed nonetheless.

Update: having just graduated college, one of my main goals is to continue submitting my work for publication, while searching for a job that involves working with content-writing and social media for a company. Technology is such a blessing in this aspect, and I'm more thankful for it each day than I am wary of it. It will be hard, but I believe that it will be worth it.


I speak. I teach. I write.

photo credit: Slaff via photopin cc