What Faith Means to Me (Part 2)

If you'd like to go back and read the entirety of Part 1, you can find it here


If anyone had asked me at the age of thirteen/fourteen what particular words came to mind when I heard the word "God" it would have been peace, comfort, joy, understanding, love, acceptance, forgiveness and patience.I can't recall the exact moment or time when that particular view began to fog up, but it was somewhere in the beginning of my junior year of high school. I wasn't exactly questioning what I believed in, but rather why I held fast to those particular beliefs. 


And than came the politics; I guess one can say that I might have very well been wearing rose colored glasses if I even thought that the concept of faith didn't include politics. But when I was younger, I honestly wasn't very aware of what was going on in the world, nor was I aware of the stance(s) that most church-going people tended to take on those happenings. When I would hear my religion teacher talk in class or overhear the chatter going on in the lobby after Sunday services, I would think to myself, "What? Really? Ok....um..." The more I heard, the more my personal view of God became darkened. 


All the sudden, I started wondering whether or not I was a good Christian: I wasn't (and still am not) particularly conservative, I wasn't homeschooled, only my Mom and I went to church as opposed to my entire family, and chose not to wear a purity ring. Going to youth group, out of the few times that I did go in my junior and senior years, began to feel uncomfortable: it seemed like the teachings of the Bible became less of guidelines and more of a never ending list of chores that I would get punished for if they weren't taken care of. 


The hardest thing about all of it was not my own thoughts, but not having some sort of outlet to release those thoughts. There were times when I wanted to desperately talk to my youth pastor or one of the group leaders, but I did not want to deal with any kind of reprimanding or figuratively speaking, get beaten over the head with a Bible. I do not like getting advice or opinions unless I ask, and at that point I just wanted someone to talk to. There was one person who I thought of and who would probably understand more than anybody, but he wasn't really around. 


I didn't act out about it, nor did I draw any kind of attention to myself. I just simply went on living life, but without the spiritual enthusiasm that I once felt. I threw myself into friends and boys, thinking that would be enough. I didn't see myself as being angry with God or being angry with any other Christians that I knew. I was just utterly confused and a little scared, all the while having no idea what to do about it. 


For a very long time, it appeared that there were two kinds of Christianity: the kind that claim to love God with everything they have, yet they will speak out in hatred against differences in sexual orientation. They turn their noses up at abortion, and then turn around and go pointing fingers at pregnant, unwed women who choose to continue their pregnancies. They put others on shaky pedestals but choose to remain on solid ground. 


Then, there are those that "truly live and love like Christ" as it is often referred to. They have opinions about what goes on in the world and they will talk about them, but in a way that is not self-righteous nor ignorant. When it comes to those that struggle, they look at them with compassion and understanding as opposed to writing them off as failures. They don't condone, but they don't condemn either. They simply love. 


And if someone were to ask me why I believe people, especially young people, walk away from God or avoid God all together? It's because they are being simply told "no" rather than openly discussing things like sex or drinking, as well as being given alternatives. They're not being allowed to question something if it doesn't make any sense. They're having views forced upon them instead of feeling like they can decide for themselves what they do and don't believe. Above all, they're suffocating. 


It has taken me about two and a half years to figure out there is a huge difference between personal choices and values. In regards to the aspects mentioned in the third paragraph, those are not necessarily values, but the choices that people make in order to live out those values. Not every single one of those things is for everybody. 


At this point in my life, I do want to have a relationship with God. I have been through too much in both past and present to not believe that God doesn't exist. I still strongly believe in prayer, and have continued to write down my prayers in the journals that I keep. I want to join a church where I go to school, but am a little uneasy about it for a variety of reasons. 


I do know that there is no point of avoiding church because of the not so good things that go on within Christianity; no matter where you go or what you do, you're always going to get that kind of stuff. It is just matter of being able to focus on God and God alone; the way I did when I was fourteen.


I still struggle with certain aspects. I still ask God "why is my Dad still out of work?" or "Why have I not seen my best and closest friend in eight months, even though we have tried many times over to get together?" I admit that I have been terrified to talk about this for a very long time, and am still somewhat nervous about the reactions of others around me, especially those from my church back home or those that I have met through trying out different church groups on campus. 


please know that I am not out to attack anyone personally, even though at times it may appear to be that way. It is just where I am at in my spiritual journey. Where this will take me exactly, I don't know. But eventually, I will figure it out.

Living The Gold Life

I used to think that my own personal life mantra came from that of famous football coach Lou Holtz (Life is ten percent of what happens to you and ninety percent of how you deal with it). And while it's still an amazing quote to live by, I don't think it completely sums up who I am as a whole. This has especially come to light in recent weeks, when some of my own personal relationships were called into question.


Do unto others as you would want done to you


Widely known as The Golden Rule, it is a simple philosophy that has existed for over a thousand years plus. It can be applied to any gender, religion, ethnicity, political stance, etc. It kind of goes along with the whole "if you hand out crap, you better be willing to take it too", except in a more positive aspect. It does not necessarily mean that others will be good to you in return, but it's better to live a life of kindness than one of hatred.


Back in January, I did a post regarding who I am at my core. It started back when I was in seventh grade, and often times picked on by my peers for one reason or another; I refused to fight back, seeing that I would only be stooping to their level and therefore wanted to be the bigger person. In the years that followed, my attitude and reasoning toward treating others in the nicest way possible began to take shape. 


I believe in reaching out to others and completely taking them as they are, regardless of what they've been through or where they're currently at in life. I'm not going to completely solve their problems, but I'll do my best to encourage them and be a positive role model. I once told my friend who was dealing with his own struggles, "I may not have all the answers, but I do know that I will be there for you unconditionally."


I believe in giving without expectations and putting the needs of others before my own. If there's one thing I have learned, it's that it is more than likely that someone around you is going through a hell of a lot worse than what you may be experiencing. Yes, it is important to take care of yourself as well, but you never know what kind of healing can take place when you personally take the time to help someone else with theirs. 


I believe in compassion and understanding; to put yourself in someone else's shoes and walk at least a mile or two before you make any judgments regarding their current state of being or who they want to become. That does not mean you have to condone their actions, but don't go pointing fingers and damning them to hell, either. Some people to have to run into a brick wall multiple times in order to see just how much it causes both themselves and the people around them. And instead of holding it against them, there is the possibility of forgiveness and second chances. 


And most importantly, I believe in love; even when everyone else says they're not worth the time or effort, and that you might as well turn around and go in a completely different direction. 


I am saying these things because I know what it's like to be on the other side; I've been excluded from certain groups or events due to circumstances that were (and still are) out of my control. I've felt abandoned by people that once claimed to care about me, but did not want to deal with whatever black clouds I'd gotten caught under at that particular time. When it all comes down to it, I know what it's like to feel completely alone. If I had the ability to do so, I would make sure that one ever felt that way


However, I have been told that I am too nice at times; at first, I did not think that such a thing existed. My brother told me that people acted cruelly toward me because they knew I would do nothing about it. At that time, I wanted to be anything but a complete bitch and be the one to "add fuel to the fire" as the saying goes. Years later, there were those that would emotionally take advantage of me because they figured I wouldn't bring it up. I didn't want to fight, and figured that was the best way to keep the peace. 


Yet, I have also learned that there is such a thing as being a doormat, and in a lot of cases, I've been just that. The truth is, there is a difference between being nasty and being firm; when one gets nasty, they often use unnecessary words or anger to get their point across. When one is firm, they stick to their guns and simply say "What you've done, or are still doing to me isn't right." and simply explain how they feel about the situation. If the one being confronted walks away anyhow, than maybe there is a good reason for them not sticking around. 


Even as I type these words, I wonder if I am opening a pandora's box here; allowing myself to be so incredibly vulnerable, where anyone who reads probably could and might use it against me someday. At the same time, if I didn't say it, than I'm not being completely who I am. 


Trust me when I say that I'm definitely not perfect at any of what has been mentioned above. But as long as I live my life trying to be the best person that I can be, perhaps thats all that really matter is the end. 


When you treat others nicely without expecting or asking for anything in return, you may find yourself receiving more than you originally set out for.

For My Girlfriends

Late at night, I tend to find myself thinking about a lot of things; the hours or so between getting into bed and falling asleep is a portion of time that I've begun to heavily dislike, given that my stream of conscience often becomes over-thinking. When that happens, I start counting my blessings, mainly those who either or currently or have been in my life. 


I don't think I've ever realized the importance (if not, vitality) of having girlfriends until this year. I had a lot of them growing up, but I was a little boy-crazy and my priorities were a bit skewed. Part of it also related to having trust issues, given some difficulties that took place from sixth grade onward. It definitely took a while to genuinely appreciate them.


As I got older that circle began to widen and even overlapped; there were those from junior high that I also kept in contact through high school. And then some of the girls that I went to high school with ended up at the same University as I did (albeit a year ahead). Then through that time, I'd discover that those from college either were from my hometown or nearby. It was definitely a small world on a number of occasions. 

 For a period of time I frequently gravitated toward those that were older than me; in a way, they understood me better and seemed more receptive to who I was as a person. I did also long for an older sister, and as we got to know each other some of them became those big-sister figures for me.  But the thing with that was when they would graduate, I would spend a lot of time feeling lost and not sure of where to go from that point on.


My grandmother once told me, "don't worry about the guys. Give thanks for the girls in your life and that other stuff will take care of itself." Looking back on it, I realized that she was right.


Much of the joy in this year, as well as the ability to be strong throughout the painful times, have come from my girlfriends. There are those that I've met within my dorm and have shared plenty of cafeteria dinners, movie nights, and random moments with. There are those that I can go out on the town with, have a little too much fun, and they just reassure me that everyone goes through that at some point. There are those that I can go home to, have coffee dates with and be able to pick up right where we left off. There are those who have supported me in the midst of relationship struggles, a death in my family earlier, and exhaustion when I bite off more than I can chew.


A lot of my girlfriends I tend to regard as sisters, just as I tend to regard my closest friends (from a general standpoint) as family.  And even though I may not see some of them all that often, it helps me to really appreciate the time that we have together.


I understand that some people out there prefer hanging out with boys over girls, given their personalities. I've seen Mean Girls and have personally experienced the cattiness and melodrama that often comes along being part of any group.  But the truth is, ladies, you need at least a few of them. I'm sure Hedi Montag (the character who gave up the majority of her friends to be with her boyfriend on The Hills) makes it look pretty easy, but I can only imagine how lonely and isolating it gets after awhile. 


Find your sisters, celebrate them, and cherish them. They're out there.

Update: It's hard to sum up all I've learned and how I've grown since I first wrote that. There was a lot of naivete, and idealizing because I held onto this idea of what college should be. I believed that new friends would automatically get rid of all my insecurities, and that I could leave my handicap (and my past) back at the state line. Friendship is important, but I needed to be the one to love myself first instead of waiting for a group or an organization to do it for me. 

I was not confident back then...at all. And because of that, I'm sure I made connecting with certain people more difficult than it needed to be. But once I began experiencing the pain of rejection, it felt safer to wait for them to figure me out first. I felt like I had something to prove: that I could be strong and fearless and take care of myself. And while that was true to an extent, I still needed help at times. Unfortunately I realized that asking for help sometimes equals resentment later.

And while some friendships did fall apart at first, the ones that mattered did come back together. It’s amazing how the girls I wasn’t particularly close with freshman year became my best friends by later on. Some of them I’d known since the beginning, while the others I’d bonded with while staying at school over the summer before senior year and after graduation. Whatever the length of time we had together, I have never felt more supported or included. And while we didn’t see eye to eye on everything, that didn’t change the fact that we were a unit that genuinely looked out for each other.

It wasn’t something out of Friends or Sex and The City, and truthfully I’m kind of glad for that. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you believe that true friendships involve being joined at the hip, bedazzling life in shopping/money, or constantly avoiding conflict with one another. How you deal with conflict actually becomes the hallmark of going through life with people, regardless of the nature of the relationship or who’s involved. I never personally came to blows with anyone in particular, but when you get to know someone real well, you both run the risk of driving each other crazy because you’ve seen each other both at your best and at your worst. By choosing to allow anyone into my life, I was also choosing to hear them and admit my own faults when they were honest about how I’d hurt them. It’s also awkward and difficult when two or more are on the outs with one another, despite that nine times out of ten I’m hardly involved. But I’ve learned from them and I’ve grown with them, which has been the best part of all.

Yet it’s not always picturesque; Not everyone is safe to confide in, nor can they handle such emotional vulnerability without feeling the need to problem-solve. If it were humanly possible I would be open to the idea of every friend being a best friend, but it doesn’t work like that because you your personalities don’t always mesh. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be challenged in different ways of thinking, or that I can’t grow as a result.

In some respects, my girlfriends have saved me; quite a few of them have kept me from making horrible mistakes, especially when a guy was involved. My best friend sat me down and warned me that I was headed down a bad path with alcohol and partying, and that I need to check it before I wrecked it. They’ve all shown me grace and even busted down walls when I’ve tried to build them up. 

Connecting in the real world is a tricky concept. Distance is one thing, but there is also the point where you’re no longer going through the same seasons in the same direction. For some, careers take off at warped speed while others are still trying to take that first step up the ladder. Some are on the cusp of engagement or have gotten married, while others are still figuring out what they want and what it will take to get it. There are seasons where you can relate, and those where you can't. And that's OK, because you celebrate them regardless.

Adulthood is when you have to respect that a lot of people don’t have as much time on their hands. You might go anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months without seeing each other, let alone talking and catching up. To some extent I understand it, because as you get older you have more responsibilities and you have to rearrange your priorities a bit. Age also means that social circles occasionally widen, and it’s hard to keep up with everyone from each stage of life. I personally have never spent time with just one main group of people, so I do experience a push and pull. 

 That being said, I can’t pretend that it isn’t a tough pill to swallow; I’m not one to lean into being constantly busy, or at least to the point of being unavailable. I don’t have the energy to be on the go all the time, and I do get cranky if I don’t make an effort to feed my soul or spirit. It baffles me how anyone can live as if they’re speeding through each day, but that’s for another post down the road.

Technology has become a blessing in terms of maintaining long-distance friendships, and friendships as a whole. I appreciate being able to offer and receive encouragement through texting, snapchats, and so on at the touch of a button. Phone calls and FaceTime are wonderful. And social media is nice to at least be able to know what’s going on when the work grind has you by the horns. But nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to seeing someone I love in person, looking them in the eye, and being able to physically put my arms around them. If you asked me what I truly wanted right now, it’s to pile on the couch with some amazing people and just drink wine the entire time (with no-holds-barred, unfiltered conversation included). 

One of my biggest struggles is balancing the pursuit of what I need while completely savoring what I already have. I am beyond grateful for all the love, truth-telling, and support I’ve received in the midst of my parents’ divorce, job and internship interviews, and navigating the unpredictable dating pool. I don’t think I would been able to keep my sanity intact if I wasn’t reminded that I am strong and resilient, even when I don't feel like that's the case. 

Love. Gratitude. Intention. Vulnerability. Listening. That is what it all comes down to, and that is how you live well with others.

There’s no answer on how to do it right. We’re all human here, and at some point we’ll mess up and take people for granted. I know I’ve probably come across as selfish and inconsiderate, and on more than one occasion. I’ve allowed my over-active imagination to get the best of me. I’ve cried, gotten depressed, and lived inside my own head because of the silence. It can be lonely, and it can be brutal.

Deep down, I’m aware that a lack of communication doesn’t necessarily indicate a lack of caring. We all show love differently, and sometimes things just happen.

The only thing I can think of is to savor the time that you have when you get it; to reach out, but know where to draw the line between that and chasing. To not judge and offer grace whenever possible. To give thanks and hold the memories close to your heart.

That’s what girlfriends are for; to serve as reminders that we all need community, but that we also need family. Life is precious and fragile, but it’s all the more sweeter when we have people to share it with.

Stream of Conscience #9

For the last hour or so, I have sat at this computer, wondering what exactly write about; not to say that I don't have thoughts or ideas, it's just know what to write that A.) has meaning and/or B.) won't cause friends and family members that read this to fret or worry about how I'm really doing right now. The truth is, I have to be emotionally motivated to write about a particular topic in order to communicate my words onto the page (or in this case, screen). And as of this moment, I'm not all that motivated to write what I initially intended to. Yet, when I forgo that for a bit and write about how I actually feel, I'm told that I make things "too complicated."


But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that life can be, and often is fairly complicated. If it were simple, we human beings would have the ability to make our problems completely disappear into thin air; either that or it would be second-nature to ignore them. If it were simple, there would be no conflicts, no tears and all of life's most burning questions could and would be answered. We would all be aware of our own purposes in life and not be stuck wondering which path to take or what to do about a particular matter. 


For me, I am currently stuck between working my tail off in order to do well this semester, along with wanting to go out and just completely let loose (which I do plan on doing so at some point or another). For the past couple of weekends I've stayed in and studied or done homework as opposed to going out; not by choice exactly, but because my original plans frequently fell through and I didn't have much else going on. 


It's no secret that I've begun to anticipate Summer; I miss the lake, my backyard, being able to do things without thinking about everything else that absolutely has to get done at some point or another. Granted, it will be busy in it's own right, but only to a certain degree. 


I spending time with my friends, especially those I don't see all that often. I know that life gets busy, that things happen and ultimately get in the way of being able to catch up, whether it be work, the weather, etc. I don't blame anybody necessarily, but more or less the circumstances that happen to either surround or cut into things. You know that little Facebook thing that says "I don't care if it's for five minutes, I just want to see you"? If I had to wake up at three o'clock in the morning to go meet a friend somewhere, if only for a half hour or so, I would do it in a heartbeat. 


On the other hand, I don't want to fall back into having the kind of attitude where one thinks "Ok, once this is over or that happens, than everything will be perfectly fine." That kind of attitude enables a person to start depending on unreliable sources for happiness; in this case, you don't know if something will indefinitely happen, and if it doesn't, then what do you do? Or what do you do when it's over? 


Along with that, I don't want to come across as being selfish or ungrateful. I am not the most patient person in the world, as well as somewhat of an idealist. Being both of those things put together makes it hard for me to deal with being let down, especially it happens on multiple occasions. I have to remind myself that at least I still have the ability to communicate with them, in one way or another. If anything, it has taught me to cherish the times that we do have together, as well as not keep trying and not give up when something doesn't work out right away. 


I may feel worn out with school and homework, but at the very least I have the ability to go wherever I want, and to do so on my own time. When I go home, I will be limited in that regard. I know that eventually I will miss being busy, eating out at particular restaurants, or going to certain places on the weekends. 


In the midst of all that stuff...


Life is certainly complicated; things happen for reasons we can't explain, or sometimes for no reason at all. Nothing is ever clear-cut or handed to us perfectly assembled; we're only left to make do what we have and trust that it will come together eventually. 


But that does not mean it should not be enjoyed; at some point or another, you have to put the books down and allow yourself to relax, even if it's just for an hour or two each day. Make those phone conversations extra special, or use skype if it all possible. Take the opportunities when you have them, regardless of how big or small they may appear. When it all comes down to it, all you have is now.


The water is cold and deep, and the current is fast; but that doesn't mean you don't have the ability to enjoy the sunshine or catch a wave

Perfectly Flawed

I think that's why we fit so well together...because we're both perfectly flawed people that tend to say and do things that don't make any sense. 


It's ironic, isn't it? Most of the time it comes across as an oxymoron at best. In this world, you're either the posterchild for perfection or the prime example of what's it's like to be completely screwed up. There's no in-between, supposedly.


There have been several times in my life where I've made friends and than have been told to "stay away from that person, they have issues." Or, I have been friends with someone for a long time, who often appears to be strong and all put together. But then when the bottom gives out, when they stumble and fall, I'm advised to "let go and move on with life." They're treated like a hunk of junk that either needs to be "fixed" or  simply tossed aside if they're not deemed "fixable"


However, I tend to believe that every single one of us is held together by some kind of glue; for certain people, it's their family, friends or spiritual/religious beliefs. Yet for others, it's sex, toxic relationships, or drugs and alcohol. There are even those who would try to stretch themselves so far out or even bend over backwards, so that they can personally hold themselves up. 


And whether they know it or not. there are those that are simply being held together with the wrong kind. Not because I personally believe it to be wrong, but because eventually that kind of glue will eventually cause  a person to fall apart. Maybe not now, or even years down the road. But eventually, something will give out. 


Truthfully, I tend to feel more drawn to people that aren't exactly in the best shape; the people that have struggled with major issues in the past, and might be even still struggling with them now. As I pointed out in one of my past blog posts (which can be found here) everybody is carrying some kind of baggage, whether they're willing to admit it or not. Most of my closest friends that I've made and kept for life are the ones where we both allowed ourselves to be vulnerable to each other; to let the other see that neither of us is as peachy keen as we look. 


They're the ones who have held me in there arms and let me cry for an hour straight, despite that looking back on it, the matter wasn't worth really crying over. They're the ones who made sure that I got home safely after having a bit too much fun, and instead of criticizing me, they simply said "it happens to all of us." They're the ones who will laugh with me when I act like a complete dork, and tell me not to worry when my brain goes into overdrive. 


When I say "perfectly flawed" I mean that it's our imperfections that tend to make us beautiful. Along with our strengths, our imperfections make up a part of who we are. If we were all completely perfect, there would be no reason to have relationships or connect with other people. If we were perfect, there would be no reason to give thanks or to pray. There would be no compassion and no reason to give of ourselves. There would be no need to work hard or to persevere. 


We would all merely be wandering the world in a bland existence, day in and day out. 


Yet, being perfectly flawed does not mean that one should constantly high light the things that aren't good about themselves, or offer it up as an excuse for making poor choices. It is a simple, yet humble admission of being human and accepting themselves and others. It does not mean that one should cease making an effort to become a better person, but to have realistic expectations in regards to their own character and the characteristics of those around them. 


If I ask for love and acceptance, is it fair for me not to do the same for others? 


All in all, that's what I believe true love to be, no matter in what context it's in. Being perfectly flawed allows the concept of loving another person to not just be a feeling, but a verb as well. And despite that I've said it before, I believe love to be one of the most amazing things one can do for another, as well one of the most amazing experiences one can have in life.