Being Real

Like many bloggers, I struggle with being real in the things I post. Not real in the sense that I'm not being true to myself or my personality, but to my feelings. Some will call this authentic blogging; that is, being honest in regards to what you write about without sugar-coating it, nor taking on an Eyore (from Winnie the Pooh)-esque attitude. 

It's something that I've battled since I was twelve; whenever I would come home in tears from having a bad day at school (which during that time was fairly often) my mom always told me that "no one likes a depressed person." When I would be completely honest with my therapist/school counselor, she'd always ask "what's with all this negativity?" When I would talk to my friends about it, they didn't really know what to say (not that I'm blaming them in any way whatsoever). It got to the point where I felt like I was pushing all my loved ones away, so I decided that it would be better to bury my true emotions and just deal with things on my own. 

Eventually I did learn to open up more, but only to certain people; over time, they became the only people confided in because they were good at listening and never passed any judgement in regards to what I told them. When it came time for high school, I decided to be happy no matter what because I didn't want to have a repeat of my middle school years. 

Even today, both trust and authenticity are delicate issues for me. I've come to the conclusion that I'm extremely stubborn, and therefore incredibly prideful. I usually don't like asking for help (or unfortunately, even accepting help)  unless I really need it. I don't want people seeing me and thinking "oh poor Aly." (On a side note, I think that pitying someone is rather useless if you're just going to stand there and be a bystander. But that's a different topic, one which I'll post about later) When I talk to my friends that go to different schools, I try to be as cheerful as possible because I want them to know that I've changed for the better. 

In a nutshell, I do care what people think about me; not every single person, but the ones I'm closest to or have became close to. Deep down I know I can't control how others see me, but it's something that over a long period of time has become entangled in my own nature. 

I'm slowly learning how to find a balance in joy and pain, as well as good days and bad. I know now that there are times where I need to swallow my own pride and allow people to give me a hand, because I cannot do everything alone. People change, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst, but the ones that truly  appreciate you for just being you will always be there. When it all comes down to it, it's not healthy to stuff everything under the rug. You have to let it out every once and awhile and allow people to be there for you. 

So let me be real here...

If anyone were to ask me what I really wanted right now, it wouldn't be to triple fast forward DVR style to graduation day. Despite that I'm tired of being in a fishbowl (and in a uniform, no less) I want to be able to have time to "stop and smell the roses", if you will. I actually made a list of things I wanted to accomplish before then; but I guess it's not so much what I do, but rather who I'm with. 

Life has been hard at times; I often experience bouts of loneliness, missing those that so often have made me laugh or put a smile on my face. I guess that happens when three of your best friends go off to college and the other one drops you like a hot potato. In all truth, I really hate that I haven't been hugged or given someone a hug in awhile. Yes, I realize how random and weird it sounds, but I've always been a bit of a cuddlebug. I used to hug people all the time, and now it's almost become a rarity. Deep down, I mostly want to be held for the sake of being held. Is that needy? perhaps so. But I think every once and awhile it's all right to ask. 

In the midst of everything, I've begun to see who my real friends are. There's a saying of mine, where "people come in and out of your life, but the truest of friends are the ones that wait in the doorway." Granted, I don't see them very much since we go to seperate schools; yet I believe I've come to appreciate them very much because of it. Those are the ones that I'd like to spend my last couple of months of high school with. And then there are those who I haven't really talked to in awhile, and would love to reconnect with, even if it comes down to the remaining months of the summer. 

It's hard to come up with an exact definition of what "being real" actually means. The way I view it, you just have to live and let be. 

Athletic Admiration

I come from a big family from sports lovers and participants; pretty much everyone has either been involved in football, basketball, hockey, track, cheerleading, softball/baseball, soccer, gymnastics, wrestling, volleyball...or a mixture of all of them. My Grandfather has been a Bears season-ticket holder since the sixties, and I recently just went to one for the first time this past October. Despite being somewhat of the black sheep in the family as far as actually playing sports goes, they have always remained an integral part of my life. 


As a youngster, I didn't come to appreciate and admire the hard work and dedication of athletes until I was in eighth grade. When my brother started playing football, he eventually did get moved up with older kids because of his speed and size. Unfortunately, I didn't take notice of his talent due to sticking my nose in a book almost every Sunday that he had a game. When my sister started playing soccer I rarely, if ever, went to any of those. 


As a freshman in high school, he was given a spot on the junior varsity football team and moved up to varsity the following year (only one of two sophomores, might I add). I believe he's either a fullback, or a halfback...maybe both? I do know he's in the back field though. Anyway, I wore his jersey all of my junior year and the majority of this past season; and let me tell you, I was proud of it!! Most girls wear the guys' jerseys because their either their girlfriends or just for the sake of doing so, but I was proud to be his sister. And just so everyone knows, I still am. 
He's also heavily involved with wrestling and is current going down to compete in the state finals. Truth be told, I didn't quite comprehend or understand the concept of hard work and dedication until now. He's faced many obstacles this season, between fighting off bells palsy and cutting about twenty pounds (and staying that way) for the last three months or so. 


Both my sister and my cousin are cheerleaders; for anyone who says that cheerleading isn't a sport, go to one of the competitions and actually watch what they do. It takes practice, skill and focus to have the ability to pull  off stunts like that. In a sense, it's almost like acrobatics. I'll admit that I was nervous the first time I watched my sister compete.

I do get nervous for both of my siblings; it's always bothered me watching my brother get tackled (there were moments when I even shut my eyes) and whenever he would get injured (though they were minor) I would always be biting my nails praying Dear Lord, please still let him be able to play! As cheesy it sounds, sports do get personal for me when it involves watching a family member out there on the field, court, or wherever. I still can't watch his wrestling meets (at least to a certain degree) because even when he's in control of the match, I still cringe watching him get put in a headlock.


I also have friends that are deeply involved in athletic activities as well. Whenever I got the chance, whether it was because we had an off week or an away game that I just didn't feel like going to, I would always go and watch two of my guy friends play football at the local high school that I would've gone to. It was a ton of fun (the crowds are more lively and it would sometimes get crazy) but difficult to watch at times; I could only fathom what they would be feeling while being out there (and to say the least, it wasn't in a good way). There are also friends who play basketball that I would go and watch the games. 
If all of the above might sound strange to some (especially in regards to those who I don't go to high school with) it was because they're my friends and I wanted to support them one way or the other. Granted, we don't get to see each other that often, but that doesn't mean that I don't  care about them. 


Some people might ask me where I fit in with all of this; at times, I do wonder what it would be like to score a touchdown or make the winning basket for a victory. I have dabbled in sports over the course of my life, and I think my biggest accomplishment was running track the summer of my freshman year. But honestly, I'm content with being a spectator; God gives each of us different gifts and talents, and we're not all meant to be good at everything. So I just choose to focus on the fact that I've been blessed with the gift of creativity and words :) Plus, it would be difficult for me physically, and I just don't have the energy for it. 


All in all, I am incredibly proud of so many people, both friends and family. You guys do more than I ever could and I admire you so much for it :)

Lil' Reflections on Relationships

Quite a mouthful, eh? And no, this is an anti-valentines day/I loathe relationships kind of post. I've been thinking about it over the last couple of weeks, given it feels as though I've been riding a bit of a roller-coaster (as far as this particular subject goes) since September. I'm usually not one that frequently blogs about love and romance, but it's nice to let it out every once and awhile. But for privacy sake, I won't name anyone specifically. 


I haven't been in a relationship exactly, but I have had relationships with guys that have really made a world of differences in my life. The first one began when I was thirteen, young enough to be fully interested in the opposite sex but rather clueless as to what real love actually entailed. We became closer over the months that followed and I saw him as one of, if not my very best friend. He listened to what I had to say and never beat me up about anything. In my eyes, he was a rarity; they say that as teenagers (and even well into their twenties) guys have this immaturity about them. I'm not saying that he was completely and utterly perfect, but I just didn't see that. 


But like everyone else, we all have our own personal demons that we have to deal with. Since my freshman year we've had our share of ups and downs. I don't think he ever meant to deliberately hurt me; he had issues with himself and I happened to get caught in the middle of it all. I'm not sure where he is today, or what happened entirely. I wrote a tribute to him not too long ago for one of my college applications; perhaps one of these days I'll have the chance to let him read it. 


The other one happened more toward the middle of that same year. I'd known him for a long time up to that point, and he was one of the first (and still is one of the very few to this day) who would actually have a sense of humor when he was around me. We goofed off and made fun of each other quite a bit; my favorite thing was trying to kick his ass one way or the other (not literally of course, because I don't think that would even be possible). We did have the occasional deep conversation, during which he gave me pieces of advice that still stick with me now. But our relationship, or whatever you want to call it, was more based on having fun and just being ridiculous. 
I find myself missing that aspect alot lately, being that my high school doesn't have too many guys like that. I've seen him around, but haven't had an actual conversation with him since sophmore year (on valentines day, no less) It would be nice to see him before graduation, just to catch up. 


And there was someone else, who is no longer a part of my life (at least emotionally) I met him at the beginning of last year and was drawn to him because he wasn't like the other guys I went to school with. He seemed genuinely nice and I felt like I could really respect him. I felt something for him, but it scared the crap out  of me because I didn't want to get hurt again. Though there was a lot of good, the whole thing was saturated with insecurity, doubt and fear. Eventually I felt like a doormat and got sick of it. In a way, I lost myself. 


I still love these people each in a unique way, and I don't think that'll change. I can't deny that there hasn't been pain or frustration, but I don't regret any of it. But through all of these experiences, I've learned the following lessons:


1. You can't put your happiness into the hands of someone else; people will come in and out of your life for different reasons, and you can't let that determine the way you view life. 


2. If someone doesn't bring out the best in you, than you shouldn't be with them


3. Don't be afraid to be silly or be a complete dork, especially if it's what you makes you who you are. If any guy or girl truly cares about you, they're not going to mind


4. No one is ever worth losing your true self over


5. Never settle for being a doormat


6. And I betcha that every single self-help/dating book can be summed up in two words: Be  Yourself!!!


I'm not sure which direction to go in when it comes to relationships right now. At this moment, I'm still struggling with trusting people in general. I don't want to set impossible standards, nor do I want to just settle for whomever. I don't have any particular plan, and thats ok. Sometimes the best things are the things that come into our lives unexpectantly.