Quite a mouthful, eh? And no, this is an anti-valentines day/I loathe relationships kind of post. I've been thinking about it over the last couple of weeks, given it feels as though I've been riding a bit of a roller-coaster (as far as this particular subject goes) since September. I'm usually not one that frequently blogs about love and romance, but it's nice to let it out every once and awhile. But for privacy sake, I won't name anyone specifically.
I haven't been in a relationship exactly, but I have had relationships with guys that have really made a world of differences in my life. The first one began when I was thirteen, young enough to be fully interested in the opposite sex but rather clueless as to what real love actually entailed. We became closer over the months that followed and I saw him as one of, if not my very best friend. He listened to what I had to say and never beat me up about anything. In my eyes, he was a rarity; they say that as teenagers (and even well into their twenties) guys have this immaturity about them. I'm not saying that he was completely and utterly perfect, but I just didn't see that.
But like everyone else, we all have our own personal demons that we have to deal with. Since my freshman year we've had our share of ups and downs. I don't think he ever meant to deliberately hurt me; he had issues with himself and I happened to get caught in the middle of it all. I'm not sure where he is today, or what happened entirely. I wrote a tribute to him not too long ago for one of my college applications; perhaps one of these days I'll have the chance to let him read it.
The other one happened more toward the middle of that same year. I'd known him for a long time up to that point, and he was one of the first (and still is one of the very few to this day) who would actually have a sense of humor when he was around me. We goofed off and made fun of each other quite a bit; my favorite thing was trying to kick his ass one way or the other (not literally of course, because I don't think that would even be possible). We did have the occasional deep conversation, during which he gave me pieces of advice that still stick with me now. But our relationship, or whatever you want to call it, was more based on having fun and just being ridiculous.
I find myself missing that aspect alot lately, being that my high school doesn't have too many guys like that. I've seen him around, but haven't had an actual conversation with him since sophmore year (on valentines day, no less) It would be nice to see him before graduation, just to catch up.
And there was someone else, who is no longer a part of my life (at least emotionally) I met him at the beginning of last year and was drawn to him because he wasn't like the other guys I went to school with. He seemed genuinely nice and I felt like I could really respect him. I felt something for him, but it scared the crap out of me because I didn't want to get hurt again. Though there was a lot of good, the whole thing was saturated with insecurity, doubt and fear. Eventually I felt like a doormat and got sick of it. In a way, I lost myself.
I still love these people each in a unique way, and I don't think that'll change. I can't deny that there hasn't been pain or frustration, but I don't regret any of it. But through all of these experiences, I've learned the following lessons:
1. You can't put your happiness into the hands of someone else; people will come in and out of your life for different reasons, and you can't let that determine the way you view life.
2. If someone doesn't bring out the best in you, than you shouldn't be with them
3. Don't be afraid to be silly or be a complete dork, especially if it's what you makes you who you are. If any guy or girl truly cares about you, they're not going to mind
4. No one is ever worth losing your true self over
5. Never settle for being a doormat
6. And I betcha that every single self-help/dating book can be summed up in two words: Be Yourself!!!
I'm not sure which direction to go in when it comes to relationships right now. At this moment, I'm still struggling with trusting people in general. I don't want to set impossible standards, nor do I want to just settle for whomever. I don't have any particular plan, and thats ok. Sometimes the best things are the things that come into our lives unexpectantly.