Life Lately: Different Kinds of Light

Some days, this post-graduate chapter that I'm currently embarking on feels like this: 

Fresh. New. Vibrant and colorful. In a way that when I look around I think to myself, this world and this life is yours, darling. Make it happen! It's why I love mornings so much: to some people every sun rise is the same, but I honestly never know what I'm going to get as my make my thrice-weekly trek from the suburbs to the city. Somehow I manage to get this kinds of snapshots, either by luck or by knowing how to capture a beautiful moment when I see it. 

And that has served me well since moving back: despite not living with my parents and being away from my best friends (along with everything that I've come to know since I was eighteen), I can still confidently say that life is awesome. Life is awesome and God is good.

I love the environment that I'm in; it's not only healthy, but it gives me the space and ability to focus on both my goals and who I am as a person. My therapist is great and working with her has uncovered a lot of aspects about myself that I didn't know existed. Keeping a journal and having quiet time has done wonders, which is why I've come to cherish spending time alone. 

My relationships are getting stronger: through the discovery of FaceTime (I kind of find that a lot easier to use than Skype), I can keep in touch with friends and still actually see them, despite being hundreds. at times thousands of miles apart. I'm slowly building individual, adult connections with each of my parents; this past weekend was the first weekend I spent with them since August. 

I'm enjoying my internship and slowly making my way into the working world. I'm very much a city girl and every time I go there, part of me just lights up! I'm also getting involved in a church and connecting with other people, which has allowed a lot of spiritual growth and finding a sense of faith that I wasn't sure I was going to have again. 

And then there are days when life feels like this: 

Foggy. Unpredictable and filled with more unknowns than I can count. It's as though the world says You can do anything...as long as you have money. And not that money wasn't a concern before, as demonstrated by the student lones that need repaying. Despite that, I do not regret one dollar that I invested in the last four years; I learned a lot more that went above and beyond what was required to get my degree, and for that I make no apologies. 

Nor will I do so for saying that I miss college. It wasn't about the weekend fanfare or the difference in responsibilities, but about the community. It was about the beauty in the smallest of moments that have stayed with me to this very day, and probably will for the rest of my life. Those moments which in turn bore traditions, conversations, and friends that eventually became family. I'm grateful that I took the time to savor it, along with having the ability to do so. 

And I get that every transition comes with a variety of changes, but it still makes me wonder if such changes have to be so isolating. Why did one part of my life seem to be filled with magic and endless possibilities, while this one appears to come with an endless roll of red tape? I'm in the process of trying to do things for myself that will ultimately allow me to be somewhat independent without feeling like I'm constantly draining my bank account. Yet, it's as though whoever came up with those concepts made it purposefully difficult to get access to them. 

I'm growing. I'm learning. But I only have so much energy, emotionally or physically. It makes me wish (or beg) for my brain to be quiet at night so I can stop having nightmares. (More so, now that I know why I have them, I wish they would stop all together). If I had a choice I would fix myself up tomorrow and call it a day. I don't like being afraid to be vulnerable. I hate living in fear that trust will only result in abandonment. Greater is the fear that all of those things will keep me from truly experiencing life and love. I know that it breaks the hearts of friends and family members to see me like this: desperately trying to break out of a mold that has done more harm than good. A mold that started with the best of intentions but had completely different results.

I experience guilt for not going to church every Sunday since moving back. I genuinely want to connect and be involved, but yet I feel guilty about asking for rides or having to explain that I haven't quite found a groove yet. This definitely warrants its' own post, but going to church again is still a little scary. 

But wait...

Both of these images are different, yet one thing in common: they are filled with light. Some days reflect different shades, different colors, different seasons. Yet there is still light; and where there is light, there is hope. Hope that I don't have to wait on time to make life easier or better, but instead be able to rise above my circumstances and make healthy choices for myself. It frees me to fully trust in where God is taking me, though I don't really know where I'm going right now (Psalm 142: 3). 

This is the light that I not only see before me, but the kind that I pray that others will see in me. 

I envision being able to look back at this season in my life and not necessarily laugh, but realize there was a reason for it. What that reason is, I'm not trying to find out anytime soon. I'm content in waiting to see it when I'm meant to.

What I do know is that I am taken care of, and I will be OK.

You Can't Keep A Writer Down

I wrote this after having a conversation that left me feeling frustrated and beaten down; when I moved back from college, one of my primary lines of thinking was that I didn't have a voice. And with certain people, sometimes I'm left feeling like they don't see me, they don't hear me, nor do they want to. 

Lately I find myself resentful of not being able to talk about what I want to talk about. What I need to talk about. There are days where it's rooted in fear of somebody holding a grudge against me for it, and then there are days where I have no idea how to express myself verbally. From where I'm sitting now, it's a little bit of both. 

But when it comes to writing, it's a different story. There is freedom, and there is hope. 

You Can’t Keep A Writer Down 

These feelings sit inside, churning and burning
I cannot sleep or even think
The desire to speak is so strong
I ask for an opportunity, and am initially received well

I express a the need to heal
To do so in the form of words on paper
What I once knew, shattered by one who stands oblivious all of it

It's not about revenge, but about self-protection
I only know him by instinct, nothing which indicates kindness and care 
His actions certainly indicate such
I have no reason to trust or believe in someone
Who can't take responsibility 

And yet I'm the one silenced
Though I didn't ask for this
She speaks of consequences that don't make sense
Reaching for a sense of control that is no longer
Like a young child
As though she's more concerned for him than me

But I have a voice, I realize
Not my mouth, but my pen and the strength of my heart
Not to use for hurt, but to overcome
To release what I was taught to ignore and deny

By this you'll get a lion instead of a mouse
Thunder, fire, anything but quiet submission
I cannot make anyone hear me, though listening is an act of love
God made me a writer 
And you can't keep a writer down

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Music Monday

Sam Hunt-Leave The Night On

-This has such a feel-good, giddy vibe and has "date night" written all over it! I have no shame in putting it on repeat.

Meghan Trainor-All About That Bass 

Becky G-Shower

-I could argue all about why pop music is going down the drain, but then things like this just grow on me.

Garth Brooks and Billy Joel-Shameless

-I came to love this song after seeing Garth in concert two weeks ago. Adding Billy Joel into the mix makes it even more amazing.

Tim McGraw and Faith Hill-Meanwhile Back at Mama's 

photo credit: A.Ddiction via photopin cc

Friday Finds

Every so often, I like to take the time to share some of the awesome things that I've found around the blogosphere. This particular segment is a little heavy-duty, but I hope you find these writers just as encouraging and refreshing as I have. 

An interesting take on chivalry (via True Love Dates)


On love, virginity, and identity  (via A Deeper Story)


Writing as an act of Hope (via Redemption Pictures)


When "fixing" someone isn't the answer (via [In]Courage)


Stop pointing fingers. Start doing this instead. (via Daughter By Design)


Have a great weekend!!

photo credit: Nina Matthews Photography via photopin cc

Music Monday

Bang Bang-Jessi J., Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj

-I'm only really a fan of Jessi J, but this has been on my workout playlist since it first hit the airwaves. 

No Place I'd Rather Be-Clean Bandit 

-This song is so cute and gives me a boost of confidence when I need it. 

Girl In A Country Song-Maddie and Tae

-I don't necessarily agree with all the fuss and controversy, but I see their point. 

Maps-Maroon 5

"So I wonder where were you, when I was at my worst, down on my knees?"

Those lyrics are powerful. 

Somethin' Bad-Carrie Underwood and Miranda Lambert

-Not only are these two awesome as individual artists, but this is an incredible duet!

Have a great week!

photo credit: kinojam via photopin cc

Life Lately: On Coming Back, Separations, and New Beginnings

That picture was taken almost a month before I started my freshman year of college, about four years ago. Not only is it crazy to think about how fast time goes by, but that the same things can apply to various stages of life. The concept of a huge transition is exciting, yet it's also a little bit scary.

After graduation, I realized that it was the anticipation of change that was more heartbreaking than the actual change itself. The night before I moved out of Iowa City for good, I met up with two good friends of mine where we sat on my favorite outdoor patio, sipping drinks and talking while surrounded by various light fixtures. It was the kind of night that I appreciated more than anything, because it only happened every so often.

In a way, I was outgrowing the culture that tends to saturate college life: the excessive drinking, lack of commitment to planning/socializing, and so on. And yet, I knew I would miss my friends, the community and comraderie that we shared as we cultivated relationships and traditions. I dreaded going back to the environment that had only seemed to get worse as time went on. The reality of leaving set in as my dad and I loaded up the furniture (with the help of two friends) and hugged these wonderful people goodbye.  Thankfully I was able to hold myself together for the majority of the day, but once we hit the road I cried (quietly but freely) all the way back.

And it has been a tough time. Not only did I leave behind a life that I'd built for the last four years, but my parents are also in the process of getting divorced. It has been a long time coming and I think my family will be better off in the long run, but I'm experiencing a lot of mixed feelings. Underneath all of the anger and hurt, it's an incredibly sad situation. I will write more about it when I've gained a broader perspective, if only for the sake of my own healing. I'm grateful to be able to at least acknowledge that it's happening, because it will take a while to fully get over. 

In the midst of that, I've chosen to live in a more emotionally healthy environment so that I can work through some personal things and get my feet on solid ground. I love my parents and siblings deeply, but I can't be the best sister/daughter/support source when I'm constantly crying or lashing out in anger because I can't express my thoughts. I'm not saying that separation is the cure-all to conflict, but it has helped me make better decisions for myself and for my future; my priorities right now revolve around taking steps toward my career, getting involved in a church, and finding a therapist. 

This poem pretty much says it all. 

If there's one truth I've realized about starting over, it's that there comes a point where you can no longer depend on circumstances to do so. There aren't specific milestones like graduations or even birthdays that give you an automatic fresh start; real new beginnings are the ones where you go out there and you create them on your own, regardless of where you're at. It's hard to explain what it feels like exactly; I'm glad because a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, yet I am also exhausted from the realities surrounding me. They are realities that sometimes make me feel as though I am very much alone in all of this. 

And yet, I am not and I never will be. I have my faith, which realistically, is the only thing that any of us are guaranteed when storms and darkness come rolling in.

Somewhere between graduation and moving out, I started reading my bible again as a way to find clarity in regards to what was going to happen. Out of curiosity I began reading a chapter in the book of Hebrews each night, and this particular verse struck me in a way that gave me chills:

May the God of Peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, Great Shepherd of sheep, equip you with everything good for doing His will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to Him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever. 
-Hebrews 13:20-21

A couple of days before I left, one of my close friends called me up and prayed over me, where she literally spoke of the exact same verse. 

You know, I don't know what the future holds. I don't have a plan beyond the priorities I mentioned above, and I suppose that's a good thing. I miss Iowa City already, but more importantly I miss the people that I met there. I think about them all the time and I don't think that will change for a while, because a lot of them encouraged me in healing and embracing who I am. For now I am thankful for texting, phone calls, and Facebook.

I believe that there is life after college, but it will take time to figure out exactly what that entails.

I will be OK.

For The College-Bound

You have a lot to be proud of, having completed one chapter in your life and going onto the next. It's beyond exciting, but also terrifying to be going through this kind of change, especially since you'll be away from what you know and are used to. It's overwhelming, having so many things to do and so many people to meet that you’ll feel like you’re going in a million directions. Take a deep breath and take it each day as it comes; just because you don’t get to see and do it all right away doesn’t mean that it won’t ever happen. Spreading it all out is actually a good thing because not only will you have more energy, but you will also have the ability to cherish the experience more.

 With that being said, your experiences will probably be somewhat different from mine, as well as your parents. Don’t try to recreate or walk the path that the people before you did, because chances are it will not go the way you expect it to, nor will it have the same effect. Instead, take this time and make it your own. You’ll be glad for it in the long run.

And though college itself is quite the adventure, it is an adjustment and it will be hard. Your schedule is not as consistent as it was in high school, with classes possibly taking place at weird times (you might start at eight o’clock and go until noon, or start late in the afternoon and go until after dark). And you will legitimately have to study in order to keep up and pass each semester.  Though you’ll probably have a mini-heart attack or two from forgetting to do your homework every once in a while, checking your syllabus and your e-mail regularly do help. Lord knows I didn’t always do this, but writing everything down in a planner and utilizing office hours do work wonders. Professors can be intimidating and their policies can be downright annoying, but deep down they appreciate it when you take the time to ask questions and clarify information. And who knows, you may even find a mentor or two by doing so.

Yet, the difficulties do not always involve preparing for impossible exams or staying up late to write papers. Despite being surrounded by people all the time, it does get lonely. The people you meet now might not end up being your best friends in the long run, and that can be frustrating. You might get close to people, drift apart and then come back together in a couple of years when you’ve all grown up and matured a little. Kids your age are often selfish because for a lot of them, this is the first time on their own and they don’t have parents around telling them what to do or how to act. Regardless of what stage you’re in, friends do come in and out of your life, but the ones who are meant to be part of it will always be standing in the doorway. You won’t always see each other and you won’t always talk, but they’ll be there.

On that note, take the time to call your parents at least once a week and let them know how you’re doing. This is a time to learn how to be independent, but in some way, you’re always going to need your mom and dad. It doesn’t have to involve sobbing on the phone or rehashing every small detail of what went on over the weekend, but let them in on your life. They love you and they want you to support you and be there for you, even though you’re growing into an adult. And don’t forget to thank them for helping you get to where you are, because whether you know it or not, they played a huge role in it.

Romance and relationships are tricky aspects to navigate as well. I’m not going to tell you that all are motivated by hormones who only want to sleep with you and nothing more, because that’s not always true. I’m not going to tell you what types to avoid, because it’s so much easier said than done (and quite frankly, I always try to do my best to see the good in others). It’s normal to be curious about the hook-up culture and to do things for the sake of wanting to know what it’s like. On the other side, it can become a slippery slope that may very well end in heartbreak and confusion. If you’re going to go down that road, I hope it’s with someone who’s willing to be honest with you about what they want and in turn you can be honest with them. Furthermore, that they respect your boundaries; I don’t care how “normal” certain things are considered in college, if someone is treating you in a way that you absolutely do not feel comfortable with, you have every right to speak up about it. Above all, trust your instincts and listen to them. Once you realize that something isn’t working for you or doesn’t feel right, it won’t get better or easier.  But if heaven forbid you get in a situation that you have little control over and lines get crossed, please know that it is never you fault. Ultimately, what you do or don’t do with your body does not define you or make less of a person. You and everyone else in this world are human beings who are worthy of love and respect, regardless of what mistakes you make or if you make them repeatedly.

Yes, bad things do happen and not everyone has good intentions, but that doesn’t mean relationships are impossible. It might seem rare, but I have witnessed some awesome things and met some amazing people. If you're attracted to someone, take time to be friends first, building a solid foundation on trust and respect.  There’s always the risk of things not working out, but what’s the alternative, really? If you meet someone who can take the good with the bad and meet you halfway, go for it! If they motivate you to be a better person and compliments you well, cherish them. To love is to learn, and to learn is to grow.

Partying is fun, which you either know or will figure out eventually. I certainly had my share of crazy nights, and I made my own choices. But what I do regret is not taking a step back once I realized that drinking was not going to dull the pain when I was hurting, nor would it be the main focus of so many great memories. Legality aside, going out should be awesome because of who you’re with, not necessarily because of how much alcohol you’re consuming. It’s age-old wisdom, but do your best to moderate yourself when it comes to that stuff. It can get in the way of your academics, and getting slapped with a drinking ticket isn't something to brag about (side note: I did not get one. I just know that paying seven hundred bucks or more just for having a beer is insanely dumb). Find something that can help you stay grounded, whether that is a church, a volunteer organization, or having friends to keep you accountable. You will run into a wall at some point, and if you’re not careful, it’s going to hurt.

On that note, be mindful of who you surround yourself with; if they force you to choose between your values and fitting in, they're not the kind of people you want to have in your life. It will be tough away to step away from an environment that's a lot of fun, but being constantly physically and emotionally drained won't do you any favors in the grand scheme of things. 

More than anything, I just want you to be in the present moment, because not everyone gets to be where you’re at. Live for the moments where you spontaneously stay up talking with people until three in the morning, whether it’s a conversation about life or the most random things. Live for the moments that involve meet-cutes in unexpected places, and don’t micro-plan every move you make when it comes to introductions. Go to at least one football or basketball game, if only to see what it’s like. Create your own traditions out of television shows or changing seasons. Take walks and marvel in the natural beauty of your surroundings. Put down your phone and camera at some point and give your attention to whomever you’re with.

If you want something, pursue it. Looking back on my time in college, there are some things I wish I would have just straight out asked for in the beginning. If nothing else, I learned that the definition of truly living life is to worry less and just go for it. Choose a major based on what makes sense to you and what you enjoy, not what will be easy in terms of getting a job or a big paycheck afterward. If you don’t know right now that is perfectly OK, but don’t overthink it too much. If you care about someone, there’s no shame in telling them. That is how friends turn into family.

And that is one of the greatest things about college, knowing that you went all in, and knowing that you were part of something wonderful.  You are part of a community and you will leave a legacy.

This year is yours, dear one. Instead of lowering your expectations, be open to the possibilities.

photo credit: University of Central Arkansas via photopin cc