For The Graduates

Dear Class of 2015,

Some would say that I'm not qualified to write this because it has only been a year since I graduated college. But a lot can (and does) happen within the span of one year, and I don't think it's about the number of years you've spent doing something as much as it is having something to offer. This time last year I was in your shoes, relieved to be nearly done with the semester but absolutely terrified of what loomed ahead. The anticipation was such an emotional roller coaster that I would be laughing and crying at the same time, carefree one minute, than a total mess over the inevitable ending of an amazing four years. It's perfectly normal to be doing those things, along with soaking in all the traditions, cheap drink nights, and so on as much as you possibly can. For almost all of you, Graduation Day will be the definition of bitter and sweet, where the amount of emotion can leave you overwhelmed by the time you take off your cap and gown. Make a point to celebrate, because not only did you get your diploma, but you had life-changing experiences and memories.

So what's next?

This is where it gets tricky, because at this point it literally is different for everyone. Some will move to new cities and start working right away, while others might have to return to their hometown roots in order to regroup and figure out which path to take. Some may take the next step in their romantic relationships, and some may choose to travel and cross things off their bucket lists. After college, very few friends are in the exact same place anymore, though it's likely they'll share the same emotions, fears, and uncertainties. Regardless of the exact circumstances, the transition from college to the real world is not easy, so allow yourself to cry and let it out when you feel the need to. Though you never really permanently adjust to adulthood due to it's own various stages, that doesn't make it any less important to be gentle with yourself. And as you move from one chapter to the next, please do yourself and your friends the honor of saying goodbye. It's hard and gut-wrenching, and no one is ever really "good" at it. But it will give you and the other person peace, as a way of acknowledging that you were here, you lived, and you did it together.

It's likely that in the months that follow, you'll feel somewhat lost and unsure of what to do, even if there are clear opportunities ahead. The transition for me was twofold; not only was I leaving behind a family that I had grown to love in cherish, but I was coming back to a family that was in the midst of a lot of changes in itself, much of which I didn't know what to do with. The hardest part was not getting a kind of support that I felt like I got at school, where I was accepted for being emotional, sensitive, and messy. Making friends can be a slow process; you might reconnect with those you lost touch with after high school. You might very well be in a place where you don't know anybody or aren't surrounded by very many twenty-somethings, and I'd say utilize technology to the best of your ability. Websites like meetup.com offer so many social and interest-related groups, even if it's just for the sake of getting out and being around people.

Yes, you're going to experience loneliness and nostalgia; you'll picture your former days in your head like a movie montage, yearning for it in a way that almost hurts. It's perfectly normal to want to go back, and I've gone back to Iowa several times in the last year. It really helped me to understand that it wasn't just the activities that made college what it was, but the people. And when you get to do something that has such a profound impact and transforms your life, it becomes part of you, and in a sense that place will always be your home. I promise that there are beautiful things about post-grad  that you'll come to appreciate, especially the little things. You'll be able to read for pleasure again, and hopefully have the chance to get a solid night of sleep. It is possible to go out and have fun without waking up with a hangover in the morning, and I've learned to enjoy activities like going to movies by myself or doing other things on my own.

As you grow and mature, you will have regrets. It's tough to look back and not beat yourself up over what you could have done differently, but remember that there are circumstances in which one can only know or do so much. If need be, apologize and ask for forgiveness, but also forgive yourself in order to move forward.

 While you'll never have anything completely figured out, it's important to be aware of the fact that anything you do (or don't do) from this point on is A.) completely up to you and B.) could very well affect or even change the course ahead. For most, there are no longer set points in time to start over; you have to be the one to create your own new beginnings, to decide what is true and right for you and what isn't. 

With that being said, please don't wait for the perfect job, the perfect person, or even the perfect time in order to start building your own life. Not just because perfection is non-existent, but because none of these aspects will fill you and make you whole. While it's true that that the initial path may be one of the most frustrating and depressing stages you'll go through (sometimes more than once), I whole-heartedly believe in the purpose of it. There was at least a month or two when I was going on multiple interviews at a time, and the concept of going out in the world and kicking ass was absolutely awesome. Yet, I started to notice that after a little bit I'd get cranky; I was trekking to the city and going through this lengthy process to not only get rejected, but for a short time it was all I was doing. Every disappointment was reminder that I couldn't put my joy or identity into my career, that only God could give me peace and contentment. General worldview aside, you are not defined by your relationship status or your income. You still matter, because everyone matters. 

Don't be afraid to ask for help, or accept help when it is offered. Realistically, none of us ever gets anywhere without the guidance and mentoring of someone else. Sometimes you have to pay your dues and bite the bullet for a little bit in order to get to where you want to be. A lot of people will want to give you unsolicited advice, and all I will say for that is to trust your instincts (which is true for just about everything) in terms of what needs to be taken to heart. Pursuing and doing what you love is one thing, but making time for people that you care about is another. Relationships truly do have to be intentional,  especially when additional aspects like work and finances are involved. While paying the bills helps one survive, quality time feeds the soul. Make plans and make memories, because the emails and messages will still be there. No, I'm not saying put one foot in and one foot out, because each requires both. It means understanding your limits and respecting them. 

Being excessively busy doesn't always equal success. We all have stuff to get done and it's important to stick to it, but I could never live with a constant, fully packed schedule to the point of being unavailable. If you think that's who you are, take a step back and ask yourself why.

Forget the lists that tell you what you should be doing at what age, or what you should have done by then. Traveling is a beautiful thing, but it's perfectly fine to put your finances first or to want to find the hidden gems closer to home. There are those that choose to get married because they have found someone they want to share their life with, and they are emotionally, spiritually, and financially ready to do so. There are those that choose to be single because they want to get to know themselves better or outside of a particular environment. Both are honorable choices and deserve to be respected, because it's really no one else's business. And some not-so-good habits are just part of people, regardless of how old they get. Sometimes you just have to compromise.

It's OK to do things simply because you want to, without any justification or explanation. God doesn't always give clear cut answers, and I'm guessing that's so we can learn to own and take responsibility for our decisions. 

But more then anything, this is the time to truly be yourself. One of the nice things about being outside a collegiate environment is that there is no longer a concrete way of doing things, especially when it comes to what kind of relationships you have and how you treat other people. I have always known deep down that I cannot be categorized or compartmentalized, but I didn't know how to live that out when it seemed like you had to be one thing or the other. There's so much talk about finding who you are or creating it, but I tend to think it's more about embracing it. To some degree a person knows their truth, but they never completely do because they're always changing and evolving as they go.

 Instead of walking around like you have something to prove, show that you have something to offer. Do what moves and inspires you, but also give as well; and when you give, give out of your own heart rather than obligation. 

The ending of college may seem like the end of the road, but trust me when I say that it's not. It is only the continuation of an already awesome story, a new chapter. Whatever you do, make it one worth telling.

You are strong and courageous. You can do hard things. 

Love always,

Alyx

photo credit: via photopin (license)

For The College-Bound

You have a lot to be proud of, having completed one chapter in your life and going onto the next. It's beyond exciting, but also terrifying to be going through this kind of change, especially since you'll be away from what you know and are used to. It's overwhelming, having so many things to do and so many people to meet that you’ll feel like you’re going in a million directions. Take a deep breath and take it each day as it comes; just because you don’t get to see and do it all right away doesn’t mean that it won’t ever happen. Spreading it all out is actually a good thing because not only will you have more energy, but you will also have the ability to cherish the experience more.

 With that being said, your experiences will probably be somewhat different from mine, as well as your parents. Don’t try to recreate or walk the path that the people before you did, because chances are it will not go the way you expect it to, nor will it have the same effect. Instead, take this time and make it your own. You’ll be glad for it in the long run.

And though college itself is quite the adventure, it is an adjustment and it will be hard. Your schedule is not as consistent as it was in high school, with classes possibly taking place at weird times (you might start at eight o’clock and go until noon, or start late in the afternoon and go until after dark). And you will legitimately have to study in order to keep up and pass each semester.  Though you’ll probably have a mini-heart attack or two from forgetting to do your homework every once in a while, checking your syllabus and your e-mail regularly do help. Lord knows I didn’t always do this, but writing everything down in a planner and utilizing office hours do work wonders. Professors can be intimidating and their policies can be downright annoying, but deep down they appreciate it when you take the time to ask questions and clarify information. And who knows, you may even find a mentor or two by doing so.

Yet, the difficulties do not always involve preparing for impossible exams or staying up late to write papers. Despite being surrounded by people all the time, it does get lonely. The people you meet now might not end up being your best friends in the long run, and that can be frustrating. You might get close to people, drift apart and then come back together in a couple of years when you’ve all grown up and matured a little. Kids your age are often selfish because for a lot of them, this is the first time on their own and they don’t have parents around telling them what to do or how to act. Regardless of what stage you’re in, friends do come in and out of your life, but the ones who are meant to be part of it will always be standing in the doorway. You won’t always see each other and you won’t always talk, but they’ll be there.

On that note, take the time to call your parents at least once a week and let them know how you’re doing. This is a time to learn how to be independent, but in some way, you’re always going to need your mom and dad. It doesn’t have to involve sobbing on the phone or rehashing every small detail of what went on over the weekend, but let them in on your life. They love you and they want you to support you and be there for you, even though you’re growing into an adult. And don’t forget to thank them for helping you get to where you are, because whether you know it or not, they played a huge role in it.

Romance and relationships are tricky aspects to navigate as well. I’m not going to tell you that all are motivated by hormones who only want to sleep with you and nothing more, because that’s not always true. I’m not going to tell you what types to avoid, because it’s so much easier said than done (and quite frankly, I always try to do my best to see the good in others). It’s normal to be curious about the hook-up culture and to do things for the sake of wanting to know what it’s like. On the other side, it can become a slippery slope that may very well end in heartbreak and confusion. If you’re going to go down that road, I hope it’s with someone who’s willing to be honest with you about what they want and in turn you can be honest with them. Furthermore, that they respect your boundaries; I don’t care how “normal” certain things are considered in college, if someone is treating you in a way that you absolutely do not feel comfortable with, you have every right to speak up about it. Above all, trust your instincts and listen to them. Once you realize that something isn’t working for you or doesn’t feel right, it won’t get better or easier.  But if heaven forbid you get in a situation that you have little control over and lines get crossed, please know that it is never you fault. Ultimately, what you do or don’t do with your body does not define you or make less of a person. You and everyone else in this world are human beings who are worthy of love and respect, regardless of what mistakes you make or if you make them repeatedly.

Yes, bad things do happen and not everyone has good intentions, but that doesn’t mean relationships are impossible. It might seem rare, but I have witnessed some awesome things and met some amazing people. If you're attracted to someone, take time to be friends first, building a solid foundation on trust and respect.  There’s always the risk of things not working out, but what’s the alternative, really? If you meet someone who can take the good with the bad and meet you halfway, go for it! If they motivate you to be a better person and compliments you well, cherish them. To love is to learn, and to learn is to grow.

Partying is fun, which you either know or will figure out eventually. I certainly had my share of crazy nights, and I made my own choices. But what I do regret is not taking a step back once I realized that drinking was not going to dull the pain when I was hurting, nor would it be the main focus of so many great memories. Legality aside, going out should be awesome because of who you’re with, not necessarily because of how much alcohol you’re consuming. It’s age-old wisdom, but do your best to moderate yourself when it comes to that stuff. It can get in the way of your academics, and getting slapped with a drinking ticket isn't something to brag about (side note: I did not get one. I just know that paying seven hundred bucks or more just for having a beer is insanely dumb). Find something that can help you stay grounded, whether that is a church, a volunteer organization, or having friends to keep you accountable. You will run into a wall at some point, and if you’re not careful, it’s going to hurt.

On that note, be mindful of who you surround yourself with; if they force you to choose between your values and fitting in, they're not the kind of people you want to have in your life. It will be tough away to step away from an environment that's a lot of fun, but being constantly physically and emotionally drained won't do you any favors in the grand scheme of things. 

More than anything, I just want you to be in the present moment, because not everyone gets to be where you’re at. Live for the moments where you spontaneously stay up talking with people until three in the morning, whether it’s a conversation about life or the most random things. Live for the moments that involve meet-cutes in unexpected places, and don’t micro-plan every move you make when it comes to introductions. Go to at least one football or basketball game, if only to see what it’s like. Create your own traditions out of television shows or changing seasons. Take walks and marvel in the natural beauty of your surroundings. Put down your phone and camera at some point and give your attention to whomever you’re with.

If you want something, pursue it. Looking back on my time in college, there are some things I wish I would have just straight out asked for in the beginning. If nothing else, I learned that the definition of truly living life is to worry less and just go for it. Choose a major based on what makes sense to you and what you enjoy, not what will be easy in terms of getting a job or a big paycheck afterward. If you don’t know right now that is perfectly OK, but don’t overthink it too much. If you care about someone, there’s no shame in telling them. That is how friends turn into family.

And that is one of the greatest things about college, knowing that you went all in, and knowing that you were part of something wonderful.  You are part of a community and you will leave a legacy.

This year is yours, dear one. Instead of lowering your expectations, be open to the possibilities.

photo credit: University of Central Arkansas via photopin cc