The Bubble

I wrote this after one incredible weekend, before this semester started. Life really becomes easier when you just let go and don't worry about impressing anybody. 

The Bubble

There are so many people in the world

To meet, and for them to meet us

We grow up believing that the greatest gift

Is to love and be loved in return

And that our worth ultimately comes from that love

Of being praised and recognized

Groomed culturally and socially

Clothes-in style and up with the latest trends

Make-up without a flaw

Bodies where no rolls, cellulite, or baby fat exist

Skin and bones aren’t included either

Sexy, but not trashy

Wholesome, but not naïve

Where’s the middle ground?

People come and go

Through phases and experiences

Values shift like jenga pieces

Thoughts change

Along with the voices that rise to speak

I’ve tried to define myself with what I thought were markers

“sweet” “good girl” “mature” “can do no wrong”

All good things in hindsight

But what was the point?

Putting my identity in words that change over time

A foundation of sand instead of stone

Where a stone only reads a few words:

“Human” and “Of God”

Impressions are important

Yet there is a difference between sitting in a cubicle

And being flirty on a night out

Impressions can do a lot

But let them be a reflection of relaxation and genuine interest

Not force

Faking only works so well

You can do your damndest

But either way, you’re damned if you do

Damned if you don’t

Intention doesn’t always affect perception

People will sometimes see you how they want

Not for who you actually are

Maybe it’s best

To not give the finger to the world

But throw your head back and laugh

To not rub your differences in people’s faces

But just be

It’s only as difficult as you make it

Pop! 

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The Cape

I do enjoy making New Years resolutions; though I keep hearing that it's perfectly feasible to "start over" the very next day, there's just something about a brand new year that makes it seem more...empowering, I suppose. The celebration and turning of the clock make it feel natural, like a breath of fresh air, rather than something that's forced. And like many others, I'm choosing to focus on one, although as time progresses it may become an umbrella term or statement for other things.

It didn't take a whole lot of time to figure out, given the way 2013 unfolded: there were heaps of accompanied by worry, most of which went unwarranted. Not because of the notion that everything works out in the end or that it wasn't as bad as originally anticipated.  But realistically, there was nothing that I could do to make those situations easier or better. Though I intended to try to make some kind of difference, the choices I made almost destroyed me in the process. With that being said, I did take some time to think and pray about what I really wanted to work on this year, although deep down I've been aware of it all along:

I need to stop trying to take care of other people so much and start actually taking care of myself.

But before anyone pegs me as selfish or narcissistic, let me go back and provide some insight into how this came about.

A part of me has always felt that I grew up a little too fast, especially as I became more aware of the world around me and various aspects of it. I was constantly praised for being "mature" and "wise beyond my years" by teachers and other adults in my life. Somewhere between fifteen and eighteen, a relative would tell me that I was the rock of the family and that I helped everybody else stay grounded. It was meant to be a compliment, to build me up whenever my self-esteem started to sink. But I heard it enough times where I started to believe it, and worked myself into what I call "firstborn syndrome." Some may also refer to it as being the third parent (or at least taking on some parental role). When it comes to being the oldest, you're the next in command: you hold yourself together when the others are going nuts. You take care of the younger ones when necessary. You hold the fort down when all hell breaks loose. And everyone else's needs come before your own.

I didn't start to feel the weight of it until I came home from college for breaks; winter break of freshman year was the first time I admitted to myself that things weren't OK; the overall atmosphere was thick with tension and there was no telling who would get upset or why. So I took it upon myself to help out as much as possible; I wasn't always good at it, but I did my best. I figured that if I didn't try to create some sort of harmony, no one else would.

This is a bit off subject here, but that's part of the reason why I went off on a bit of a bender after I turned twenty-one: Trying to fit into this particular role of being "the good girl" "the easy child" or "the strong one" was becoming exhausting, and I needed to grab the reins for myself. I don't blame my parents or anyone else for my choices or my line of thinking. But there were a lot of expectations (both self-imposed and put on me by others) that made navigating my identity a lot harder than it needed to be.

At the time, I thought that a lot of the decisions I made during sophomore and even junior year  were acts of selflessness: I thought I could help a childhood friend heal by moving in with her. I spent a night chasing after two friends from out of town to keep them out of trouble, despite putting myself in danger of being sexually assaulted (or worse). I held onto a toxic relationship because I felt indebted to him for taking care of me when we first met. The summer  following junior year, I dragged a drunk friend back to his apartment because I didn't want him to hurt himself. I kind of started acting like a Mom for a little while, always warning people to be careful and checking in on them the next day.

 My heart had good intentions, but deep down it was more about this ridiculous desire for someone else to need me; I've been told that I help others in more ways than I know, but I wanted to be helpful in ways that I was fully aware of. The funny thing is that no one ever came to me and outright asked for anything; I assumed that they were struggling or in trouble, and that as a friend I could help take on whatever burdens they were carrying. It's one matter to take on the weight of a person's world when they recognize where they're headed and what they're doing to themselves. But it's entirely different when they accept an ugly side as part of who they are, and either they look the other way or don't really care what happens. That's when I was in over my head.

Fast forward a little over a year and my mindset is starting to change. I question how the terms "selfless" and "selfish" are tossed around aimlessly, particularly in churches and faith-centered groups. I can't say that I completely agree with the whole "I am third" mentality; not because of how God fits into it, but because I find it hard to do things for others if you don't have the capability of doing the same for yourself. The biggest issue is that not many people know how to make the distinction between what is selfless, what is selfish, and what is just pure insanity. A lot of it is based on circumstances and the motivation behind the choices that we make. 

That's not to say that I'm going to just stop caring about people; it's in my nature to want to lend a helping hand, and I'm always going to do my best to be a good friend, to listen, and give advice/feedback when appropriate. I also believe in at least voicing my concern when I feel that someone is making a bad decision that may hurt them or others in the long run. However, I'm finally beginning to understand that I'm only a human being, and can only do so much when it comes to another's well being. I can't keep certain friends from becoming alcoholics or getting into bad relationships. I can't be a buffer for my parents or my family. But I can paint my own picture, and I can create my own future.

As I said before, we all have the capability to do great things; I just don't think that "saving" someone is one of them. By trying to do that, you end up putting your emotions in that person's hands (i.e. basing your happiness on whether or not that person is happy). And that doesn't work, at least after a while. 

I'm a hard worker and a fighter, and I'm willing to put my whole heart into what I'm passionate about. But I'm not anybody's hero; at the end of the day, I'm simply Alyx, a child of God who's own strength is not enough. That's why I think it's time to hang up the cape, at least in the sense of being realistic about what I can and cannot do. 

Yes, Wonder Woman has left the building.



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Music Lovin' Monday

Whether you're going back to school, riding out the brutal winter weather, or trying to figure out exactly what direction your life is headed in, I think we're all in need of a little motivation this week. That being said, here's a selection that has always given me a boost, whether it be recent or from a past decade. Enjoy!

My Songs Know What You Did in The Dark-Fall Out Boy

-This reminds me of when the Blackhawks were playing for the Stanley Cup over the summer; it was always on during the promo commercials. 

Try-Pink

-I love the message of this: that risk is always followed by the possibility of getting hurt, but pain doesn't have to mean that something (or life entirely) is over.

Fighter-Christina Aguilera

-Even though this is more about a relationship, it still makes my adrenaline go up.

People Like Us-Kelly Clarkson

-A reminder that while we all have different experiences, everyone does struggle and starts at the bottom at some point.

Dream On-Aerosmith 

-This one is often at the top of my workout playlist and gives me the chills every time it plays at the end of the movie, Miracle.

Roar-Katy Perry

-Admittedly I was not a huge fan of hers until recently, and though it came out in the last year, I think this will end up being my anthem for a lot of different reasons. I have to start looking at myself in a way that I don't usually do, which is scary and empowering at the same time. Overall, I'll probably surprise myself in the process!

Counting Stars-OneRepublic

-Yes this is a repeat, but I thought it was appropriate for those of us of are currently or have been looking for a job, particularly those of us who are graduating this spring. In this economy, there's always the question of how (and when) you'll be able to fully support yourself, and what a relief it will be when you can.

While there's plenty more to choose from, these are the ones that come to mind. Have an amazing week, and be safe if you have to endure the painfully cold temperatures or snow!

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Reverb: A Final Reflection

We're a couple of days into a brand new year, and I can't say that I'm sorry to see the previous one go. Reverb13 has come to an end, and within this next week I hope to be back to my regular blogging routine. That being said, I have a few final thoughts that I'd like to share. 

This go-around was very interesting; instead of following one particular website or blog that was hosting, I would pick prompts from different blogs, sometimes finding ways to make them my own. I didn't write every single day (which usually is the case each year) but I frequently found myself going days or even a full week without posting something. At first I thought it was because I was stuck in some kind of rut or experiencing writers block; but the truth is, this year has been filled with so much emotion and major ups and downs that the thought of blogging about it was almost too overwhelming. I definitely wrote about it, but did so within the private pages of my journal or in essay form that I only allowed certain people to read. With so many unknowns and what-if's, I simply thought it best not to share at this time, and that's OK. 

Looking back on both my public and private writings, I can only sum up the past year as the year of coming undone. The year that what I thought I knew about myself, my family, and my life began to unravel; not necessarily in a way that was bad, it just gave me the opportunity to look at those aspects with a more mature attitude. It forced me to confront how often I tend to idolize or romanticize things, rather than view them for what they ultimately and truly are: imperfect. Imperfect, but still beautiful and worth appreciating. 

As I ponder and pray about my own resolution for 2014, I can't come up with one singular word that encompasses what I envision. Instead, I'd like to think of it as a cluster: multiple words that point to the same thing. 

Hope

Surrender

New Beginnings

These are the three words, the cluster that comes to mind as I look ahead. 

Hope in what I cannot see. Putting my hope and faith in God alone. Building a firm foundation as I transition from one chapter to the next, so even in the times of instability and not knowing, I can rest in the fact that I have my faith. 

Surrender what I can't control. I'm not going to sit back and let everything just happen; with that mindset, I wouldn't get anywhere in life. There has to be an effort on my part. That being said, I've realized just how important it is to understand that getting there will not be easy. I may reach my end-goal and/or get what I want, but it will most likely be full of unexpected setbacks, detours, and changes. And it's easier to deal with all of that when I stop trying to control what isn't mine to control in the first place. It's trusting in the One that is greater than myself to put all the little pieces together as opposed to trying to force it all to come together on my own. 

New Beginnings are what I have to create for myself, and I'm even more aware of that now than I was in high school or middle school. I don't have to carry my past with me and I can break this dysfunctional cycle that I've been trapped in for years. I feel like a lion that's been in hibernation and will probably come out roaring. But what I'm trying to get at here is that we all have a chance to do things differently and perhaps do something great: you just have to be willing to start walking, and keep going regardless of how hard or scary it gets. 

Despite the setbacks and roadblocks, 2013 was a great year for writing, growth, and connection. I have a feeling that it will only get better from here on out!

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Mud and Mess

Mud

Identify something muddy that kept reoccurring in 2013; what was the truth that was underneath once you washed yourself clean?

I had spent the week stressing out over midterms, and by Friday was in need of a drink (or two). It was my junior year and I had just turned twenty-one about a month prior, but was still getting used to a lot of the perks that came with it; not only could I buy my own alcohol, but I was able to legally be in a bar after ten o’clock and no longer feared getting in trouble. There was also a surge of confidence, particularly in terms of guys. I was slowly getting over an incident from the previous year and felt ready to embrace that men considered me attractive. On top of that, I had just cut my first love out of my life and had a huge hole in my heart. I didn't expect to find anybody because I was more focused on simply having a good time.

  The friend I was with that night had gone to talk to someone else, and I immediately hit the dance floor. It wasn't that of a typical dance club, but could still get a little crazy. I spotted a guy named Ryan who was in a class with me last semester, so I went over to him to say hello. Much to my surprise, he wasted no time in getting me to dance and I decided to just go with it. Before long before we were all over one another, and eventually he leaned in to kiss me. Without giving it much thought, I leaned in as well.

Though it was my very first kiss that I'd ever had, I certainly wasn't expecting fireworks. On the other hand, it was weird that I hadn't felt anything. My friends explained later on that the drinking had probably lowered my sensory levels, despite that I'd only had two the entire night. But in that moment I kind of threw my hands up and didn't really care. At least until he suggested that we go to the bathroom. In a bar. In a dirty, disgusting, you-don't-want-to-know-what's-on-the-floor bathroom of a bar. Now, it was typical for a guy to suggest that we go back to his dorm or apartment, and I was most definitely aware of the concept of public bathroom sex. But this was another first and I wasn't going to stick around to find out what he meant. The familiar feeling of being trapped started to set in, and I told him that I was leaving before grabbing my friend and not looking back until we'd made it to my place. 

As I related what had happened, I felt a sense of empowerment: I had done something because I wanted to and not because of what was expected of me. I didn't feel bad or ashamed because I was tired of waiting for a boyfriend or a fairy-tale moment. The majority of first kisses don't even come close to romantic, so it didn't seem to be a huge deal. But it's true when they say that once you start kissing, you don't want to stop. I would go down a path that was somewhat dangerous, but would also teach me a lot about who I am as a person. 

Which leads me to say that I didn't necessarily call it quits right then in there. There were a few more afterward, but it wasn't necessarily every single weekend. Most of the time it was just awkward, aside from the weekend after finals, where there were no expectations in terms of what meant what and I could just go home afterward. That was a rare occurrence though: the others were often forward, aggressive, or flat-out weird. I get that we live in a culture where anything goes, but some of the conversations I found myself having were just mind-boggling. 

On top of that, I was also in a season of dating, which wasn't going well at all. While these guys did want relationships, it seemed like it was only for the title and not because they genuinely liked me. I don't like it when people are clingy or in my face all the time; I'm not one who appreciates constant texting every single day, which most of them refused to understand. There were also those who'd recoil once they learned that I didn't have a ton of experience, which was frustrating. It wasn't that my parents were strict or that I was scared; it just didn't happen right away for me, which I'll get to momentarily. 

It was getting to where I was starting to hate what I was putting myself through, but I didn't want to miss out on anything. I thought that if I gave it time, it would get better. Once I met someone that I found truly physically attractive, then I would enjoy it. Never mind that I usually wound up in predicaments where I was damn lucky to get out unharmed, at least physically. Deep down, I resented that everything was based on assumption instead of communication. I usually felt like shit afterward and kept telling myself that I was done, but I'd constantly end up doing the same thing over and over again. 

It took a couple of months, but eventually I gathered the courage to admit to my friends just how much I was struggling. I thought that keeping everything to myself would make it easier to navigate; I wouldn't be bombarded with advice and various opinions regarding what I should and shouldn't do. Yet keeping my mouth shut ultimately made it worse because the constant thinking and lying to myself began to cloud my judgement. I needed help, but more importantly I needed accountability. 

As much as I believe in personal responsibility, I also stand in friends looking out for and taking care of one another, especially when there's alcohol involved. It's not that I needed a baby-sitter or someone to keep me under control; I'm a pretty independent person as it is and by that point had gotten pretty good at navigating the bar scene on my own. It's more that I needed to be reminded of the reality versus what was in my head. Perhaps it's the writer in me, but it's so easy for me to envision something that's completely different than what actually is. In my case, the guys I met while out on the town were more than likely not the type that I want to have a relationship with, no matter how much time or chance I give it. 

I honestly didn't become truly comfortable with all of that until I took a contemporary women's writers class, where we discussed the writings of modern-day binaries and problems that many women face. Hearing my classmates stories and viewpoints helped me understand that I wasn't the only one wrestling with these things. I wasn't the only one in the unnamed category between being a "innocent virgin" and a "trashy whore."

Simultaneously, it was also a blessing (and a relief) not to be condemned by the people that mattered: my closest friends and my parents. Mom would tell me to stop stressing out, saying that it wasn't a big deal because I'd never gone further than kissing. While that is true, why the comparison? What would I be if I had done that?

I think that I would be human. Just like everyone else, no matter what side of the line you're on.

It has not been an overnight process; with the help of loved ones and a therapist, I've set standards and boundaries that I remind myself to follow each and every day. Centering myself in my faith again has been a huge step, because so often we make a point in cutting out the negative, but not bringing in the positive. I feel like I've come to a place where I'm learning how to develop a healthy mindset when it comes to relationships and human sexuality. It's about staying true to my values, but also staying true to myself. And I'm still working on it.

I can't say that I completely regret going through that phase in my life. I'm not particularly proud of what I did, but I'm wearing a cloak of shame either. In terms of what I could have done differently, I wish I would have been more assertive: saying no to what I wasn't completely OK with, and being honest with myself when I realized how much it was hurting me emotionally. I realized that I can't enjoy being physical with someone unless I get to know them and feel a genuine connection between the two of us. And I can't imagine sharing that part of myself so early on, and on such a superficial level. 

I'm not going to advise people to just go out and do what they want, but I do identify with those that feel torn between cultural norms and personal values. Up until I got to college, I had no idea what it was like to be alone with a guy or go out on a date (unless you include my senior prom, which we went as friends). And while it's normal to be curious and want to figure that stuff out, I can't overemphasize how vital it is to be aware: once you realize that something isn't working for you, stop what you're doing and take a step back. Talk to a friend or relative who might know you better than you know yourself. Pray about it. Just don't assume that time is going to make it better or easier, because that's almost never the case.

For right now, I'm focusing on other aspects of my life. I'm definitely open to a relationship, but I want to be in a good place emotionally and spiritually when that time comes. I'm still learning what in means to put my identity and build a firm foundation in my Creator, rather than idolizing a person or a relational status. It will always be somewhat of a work in progress, but it's also a matter of getting to know someone who's confident  and willing to pursue me, both as a friend and a romantic interest. 

Some of you might be wondering why I wrote this; there's no big reveal or shocker, at least to those that know me well. Yet I felt the need to talk about it because it relates to a much bigger discussion: the demand of perfection and withholding of grace, especially in regards to current generations and dating. That's a subject that I would like to tackle more in this upcoming year, with the goal of not necessarily finding a balance, but maintaining it. More so that I've become passionate about the genders and how we all relate to each other. It's layered, but not as complicated as we've made it out to be.

Have happy (and safe!) New Year!

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Stepping in Different Directions

Decisions

What was the biggest decision that you made this year? How has it affected you?


On the outside, it didn't look like that big of a deal because it was informal and we rarely ever talked at that point. But in my heart, cutting my first love completely out of my life was by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do; perhaps not as a whole, but definitely this year. I didn't want to, but there wasn't much of a choice because everything involving him was starting to become unhealthy. Adding to that, it wasn't fair to put my fears and insecurities onto others; if I was going to get past all of those, he needed to be out of the picture for good. There were no words exchanged, just deleting his number and making sure he could no longer see my Facebook profile. It was a relief, but also just flat-out-weird; I had no idea what to do afterward, and ended up going on a bit of an adventure for the next six months in trying to figure it out. I prayed, wrote, kissed, dated, drank, talked, and cried. Not only was I letting go of a special person, but the person whom I believed I would marry one day. 

Looking back on it almost a year later, I fully understand that it was for the best. It's a pain in the heart when you've invested in somebody for almost eight years, but our relationship had become one-sided. I didn't really know him anymore and I'm willing to admit that I might not have known him at all. But I wouldn't trade any of the time we spent together for the world. 

Not many people are aware of this, but the whole reason we got so close in the first place was because I was going through a very rough time. My self-esteem was a roller-coaster in the midst of changing friends and distant family members, especially my parents. I should have gone to a pastor or another adult at my church that I was attending, but I didn't trust adults back then. He supported me without judgment and ultimately helped me survive. He was the first person who ever told me that God loved me, and convinced me that cutting my wrists and popping pills wasn't the answer, among other issues. I know there were those that looked at us with raised eyebrows, but the idea of having to explain that stuff to anyone else was unbearable. 

That's why I choose not to be angry or hold a grudge; he took care of me in ways that I needed to be, but I had no idea how to articulate. I am not ashamed to say that it's nice to be taken care of, regardless of all the crap out there involving self-reliance or what the true nature of a relationship is. While God should always be one's true foundation, we weren't put on this earth with others to walk through life alone. It took me a long time to get that, and I'm still learning. 

I did go through and grow from a season of dating, but also made the decision to take a step back from that for the time being. Most of the dates were fine and I appreciated the experience, but a lot of the guys weren't the type that I genuinely want to be with. I totally support giving chances when appropriate, but when your instincts are telling you that it's not going to work, it's best to listen to them. I often had a "down the road" mentality, where I thought I would find a reason to like a guy once I got to know him better. And while I believe that can and does happen, the chances are slim when hardly any of your values line up. But the subject of dating in itself is for another post. 

I'm not going to say that I don't miss him at times, but more so I miss the affection and the sense of intimacy that we had. However, not having him around has been like a breath of fresh air: I have standards for a relationship that go beyond just being nice and the willingness to accept me as I am. And it's not just about deserving better, but actually needing better. By looking at the bigger picture, I understand that I need so much more than what I thought I did at thirteen or fourteen. 

Knowing what I know now, I wish I hadn't taken him for granted. But despite all that has happened, I think it all turned out the way it was supposed to. Just because something or someone isn't forever doesn't mean it wasn't worth it. He does and will probably always have a place in my heart: not in hope or wishful thinking, but in gratitude. And that's why I'm writing this; I choose not to be cynical, but instead thank God for that particular blessing and that special time. It doesn't always make moving forward easy, but it makes it doable.

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Quote of The Year

Words


What quote resonated with you in 2013? 


"There are a lot of things in life that are going to break your heart, but you should never let them break your spirit!" 

I'm not sure when or where exactly I came up with these words; I think I was writing in my journal one summer morning and all of the sudden it just popped into my head. It has been very much a reflection of this year as a whole, at least in terms of how I've felt about about it. On one hand, there has been a lot of pain, mostly in regards of the big moments. There were days where I would just lay in my bed at home or sit on my couch at my apartment and cry or stare into space. I felt so hallow on the inside, like I was in between a nightmare and reality. It was pretty much like being in The Twilight Zone. 

Everyone has a different way of mourning; there's no one right method of expressing pain, anger, etc. But there comes a point for me when it becomes exhausting. If I'm like that all the time, I start to wonder if it's actually doing more harm than good. I believe that when bad things happen or tragedy strikes, you should allow yourself to feel and process all that's going on. But at what point do you begin to accept your new normal? At what point do you risk being destroyed by what you can't change? 

I'm not saying lock it in a closet and pretend it never happened. There are always going to be certain events, words, and/or periods of time that are going to stay with you forever, no matter how much time goes by. But that doesn't mean you can't let yourself have moments of bliss or happiness. It doesn't mean that you can't be happy, while still being aware of the fact that you've got a broken heart. 

And that's the thing: awareness of one thing but still allowing yourself to feel another if it comes on. I can't base my happiness on whether or not the people around me are happy, though it does affect me to an extent. I don't want to miss out on so many other blessings because I could only focus on the negatives. 

Don't try to find the balance; rather, maintain it.

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