Poem

Normally, I'm not one to post poetry on here; I usually only write poetry when I've had something on my mind for quite awhile, and for the life of me have absolutely no clue how to talk about it. There are others that I've posted in the past, which you can read here. There aren't very many of them, but it's nice to blog about it on occasion. 


I wrote this for multiple people, which is the reason for putting a certain amount of space between the stanzas. Each stanza is for a different person and a different reason, but they all sort of tie in to the idea of wanting to do something but not knowing how to make it happen. As sappy as this sounds, I miss actually being able to talk with people face to face, rather than doing it through text or on the computer. Granted neither has to happen all the time, but a little balance would be nice. 

Reach You

We’ve been apart for a long time

We see each other once in awhile

Making plans without promises, but something always gets in the way

Every time we try

When the phone calls go unanswered

And you say “there wasn’t time”

It leaves me wondering if this sort of mountain is really worth the climb

Especially when all I want is just to reach you

Ever since I met you, I’ve been filled with curiosity

I usually have a skill at picking out characteristics

Yet I find you hard to read

I’d like to know who you really are, what you think and what you believe

However, there’s that same old fear

That at some point you will leave

Still I want to know you

In the beginning, I envisioned us being the very best of friends

You took care of me and you accepted me as I am

When a stupid boy came crashing in and took us both by surprise

The walls went up and the gap between us seemed like a mile wide

Although we don’t always understand each other’s actions or words

There’s no denying that I miss you

I’m not looking toward tomorrow or what may happen later on

Just wishing for a little time

For you and I

A prayer that I have prayed for so long

If only I could reach you

Stream of Consciousness #4

You know how there are nicknames for certain days of the week (Thirsty Thursday, Sunday Funday...the whole bit)? I recently just thought of my own nickname for Wednesday, even though there already is one. Wear Me Out Wednesday is what I'm choosing to call it, because that's what honestly happens. I have four classes, two in the morning and two in the afternoon, with only ten minutes to get from point A to point B. Forgive me for complaining, but that and Mondays just exhaust the day-lights out of me. Although the good thing is that on Monday night, I did go to bed around ten o'clock; the next morning felt absolutely wonderful. 


I'm about halfway done with the second week of second semester; for the most part, it's going extremely well. In a nutshell, I am learning about the various meanings of life, cross-dressing, poetry, and a continuation of the Spanish language. But no, I'm not learning about all this stuff in just one particular subject; this is mainly what I'm learning about in each of my classes. I would classify it as easy or difficult just yet- only time will tell. 


I finally finished up my informal sorority recruitment application, where activities take place from Friday until Sunday. A part of me is really excited about it and the other part is extremely nervous; mostly because the last time I went through this sort of thing (the more tiring and formal process back in September) I wasn't selected for anything by the third round; despite that I put on a brave face about it, deep down it was a very devastating experience.


 But I guess I should blame myself for that one; at the time I was extremely picky about what houses I wanted and felt like my heart was more with the girls in my dorm. When I didn't get in, I figured that maybe it wasn't meant for me. Yet as time went on, I kept hearing about the things that my friends were doing in their chapters, and it sounds like a lot of fun. 


We'll see how it goes...

Passion Vs. Practicality

Me: So what are you majoring in?
Friend: Economics
Me: Oh wow. Mind if I ask why?
Friend: Well my Dad did it, so that's what I figured I should go into. And I won't have a problem getting a job. (I really don't know how he figured that, but class began before I could ask him about it).


There is a constant question plaguing eighteen to twenty-something year olds; some people still find themselves pondering it way into there thirties and beyond. When it comes to a career, do you take a certain path because it's what you genuinely love to do? Or, do you do it because it brings in a good paycheck?


It has definitely become something to think about, especially with the economy still being somewhat lop-sided. There is no way of fully knowing which particular markets will flourish/suffer and whether or not jobs will be available within a certain profession. It's a big gamble; some people take four years and more worth of schooling and spend the next decade trying to get to where they want to be. Some live paycheck to paycheck, working odd jobs to support themselves while deep down they would rather be doing something that actually means something, not just trying to make ends meet.


In the Entertainment industry (and by this I mean any type of music, movies, art or writing) it's very much a hit or miss type of deal. I don't know how exactly writing and publishing works exactly (at least not yet anyway) but I've heard that the literary field in itself is difficult to break into. First you have to get an agent and find a company for your work to be published through. Then, aside from the PR stuff and all that, you have to go through a tedious editing process and make sure that whatever you're writing is good enough for people to read it. And if it doesn't sell? In a lot of cases, it's kind of back to square one. 


In a nutshell, it really is all up to you.


From sixth grade up to my sophomore or junior year in high school, I was constantly tossing around ideas in regards to the kind of career I wanted to have. When I was thirteen I wanted to do something that involved helping people; I figured maybe psychology was the way to go. Yet as time went on, I began to grow less and less fond of therapists; not the practice in general, but rather having to sit in a chair and attempt to explain myself without getting anywhere. I didn't think that I had the patience for it either. 


Over the years I contemplated other ideas: marine biology, because I had this rather dreamy-eyed notion that I could go to school in Florida. Hey, why not work with Dolphins while I'm at it? But I decided that I wasn't going to Florida, so that went out the window. I can't remember when the others came about, but there was journalism, photography, etc. For a short time I considered nursing, but at the same time I'm not a fan of hospitals. At all. 


The one thing in common? None of them made sense to me; I couldn't see myself working in any of those fields for a long time and genuinely enjoying it. Writing, on the other hand, is a different story. 


Which goes to show that when it all comes down to it, it's best to do what you love and what makes you happy. Granted, some people are comfortable with a job that they could care less about, as long as they can support themselves. But as my Dad put it, "You may not be the richest person in the world, but there's no sense in waking up in the morning for the sake of money if you're going to be unfulfilled at the end of the day."


 I realize that kind of thing is what some people have to do; but if it's not what you truly want and you have other options, why put yourself through that kind of thing?


Of course, I myself wonder what exactly will happen five to ten years down the road (in regards to my own career). I do know that I want to be a published author more than anything, but I'm also looking into being an editor for a publishing company and/or possibly something with public relations. I can't say for certain how it will pan out, but I believe if you're confident in what you're doing and work hard, you'll end up somewhere.

Stream of Conscience #3

I am now back at college and find myself typing this late afternoon in the ITC lab rather than in my cozy dorm room with a cup of coffee in my hand; the wi-fi internet in the dorms has been down for most of the day and no one really knows when it's going to be up and working again. Not that the lab is an entirely bad place to be, but it involves a lot of going back and forth if I need to get something from my room.


Despite the fact that break is over and it's now back to the grind, I have to say that I'm extremely grateful for it; I've missed my friends here and all the random things that tend to happen when we're together. Not to mention that I do get to go back to my usual routine, even though I do have differently classes. I can't say for certain whether or not they'll be easier or harder than last semester, but the definitely do seem a lot more interesting.

Surprisingly, I feel extremely motivated for this semester; my grades didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted to the first time around, and I have to raise my GPA if I hope to get into the Creative Writing Track at any point. Regretably, there were many little things that I didn't do during the first semester that are actually fairly important: writing all your assignments down at the beginning of the term so that you know when everything is due, keeping track of what grade you're getting in the class (if possible) and a bunch of other stuff. I feel like I do have the capability of pulling all A's and B's, if not straight A's.

One of my other goals would be to get to know more people outside of my dorm building; not that I have a problem with anyone on my floor, but I'm not completely sure if I've found my main "group" so to speak. But that particular topic is for another time...

There are a lot of things that I would like to happen in the coming months; yet, I don't know if I should get into specifics but there is no guarentee that they will happen. Ahh, sometimes I wish I wasn't such a dreamer. I guess the best thing I can do is to take things as they come and keep reminding myself that everything works out in the end.

Until then, I will enjoy the fact that I do not have any classes whatsoever on Tuesdays and have actually made a workout schedule for myself.

Second semester...bring it on!!

Authenticity Kick

Ever since I became a serious blogger (and by serious, I mean not constantly complaining or rambling about the happenings in my life) I've always made a point to be an authentic writer; that is, to be real and genuine about what I'm writing. Even when I'm creating fictional stories, I often tend to draw from personal experiences, life lessons and also my own personality traits; despite that a piece may be made up, I do add a lot of myself and who I am as a person into those words. 


I believe in being honest about my thoughts and feelings (hence the name for my blog) as being straightforward about who I am. Most of the time that's much easier to do through writing it down than speaking it. For the most part, it's what comes naturally to me; it also seems like people get a better understanding of me and the way I live my life. That's why I tend to write with so much eloquence and detail. 


Then again, there is such a thing as laying too many cards on the table (especially at one time). I don't necessarily want everyone knowing about everything about me. Plus there are some topics and information that I'd rather keep for private, one on one conversations. It makes me wonder if at times I am almost too honest in regards to what I write on here. 


And as much as I would like to say that I don't care about what people may think when they read this, that's not always true. There are moments where I find myself wondering if friends' or family members opinions of me have changed after reading certain entries. I wonder if people that don't know me very well learn more about me through my blog posts. I wonder if this does anything at all. 


However, when it all comes down to it, I don't completely write this for other people. I write this for me; and as long as I'm staying true to myself, that's all that matters in the end.

At My Core

This was a prompt that I was supposed to do way back in December, during the Reverb10 blog project (you can read any of those here) but wanted to focus on other things during the remaining days of 2010. 

We all have a core; a place deep down in our hearts that everything else about us stems from; it essentially makes up who a person is beneath the surface as well as their personality. I used to think that it was impossible to sum me up in just three words or less. But I've come to believe that these three words make up who I am at heart. 

Kindness

(Image Credit)

Ever since I was a young girl, I have always made it my "mission" shall we say, to try and be nice to people. That aspect especially became true when I entered middle school, where I was picked up and made fun of rather frequently by my peers. My brother constantly pointed out that the only reason that kind of stuff happened was because they knew that I wasn't going to do anything about it. In all honesty, I didn't know what to do about it. I didn't want to stoop to that particular level and become a complete you-know-what. It made me look incredibly weak, as though I didn't have a backbone (which was true at the time). But  I wanted to stay true to myself, despite what I was going through. 

As I've gotten older, I've discovered that kindness is not necessarily just in the words we speak; it is also in what we do for others. It can be the smallest of things, like smiling it at someone when you walk past them or holding a door open. But it can also be the biggest of things, like forgiving those who have hurt you in one way or another, or just being there for a friend during a difficult time, despite not knowing how to really help them. 

I am not perfect when it comes to kindness; I say things that I shouldn't and I get angry at times for the wrong reasons. There are times when I would much rather give someone the finger than give them a hug. I've always believed in giving back, but never felt like I had enough time to energy to do any volunteer work. However, I am going to try and change that during this particular semester. 

Kindness is something that each of us is capable of; even though I don't always succeed at it,but I do what I can. 

Love

(Image credit)

Love and kindness are two things that frequently intertwine; one is kind in order to show love, and one expresses love by being kind. Love itself, however, comes in so many different shapes and forms; essentially, it is seeing past what we don't like about another person and accepting them exactly for who they are.

I have always tried to love other people to the best of my ability, because I I know that's what I would another person to do for me. And not only that, but there is so much hatred and judgment in the world; children are growing up thinking that it's all about them and that everyone else is beneath them. In reality, nothing is ever just about you. When I show love, I try to be selfless more than selfish; to give more than I take. When it all comes down to it, I always try to love in the way that God would want me to.

But to a degree, one has to be able to love themselves as well; because you cannot show love to another without being able to say the same things to yourself. You have to be able to look in the mirror  and see that you're beautiful, no matter how hard it may be. You have to know that you're worth something and that you have purpose, even if it might take you your entire life to figure it out. 

For me that was one of the hardest things to do. It's still hard in a sense, but it gets easier as you get older. 

I've been told that at times, I love almost too much; I struggle with sticking up for myself and not allowing others to walk all over me. I tend to want to keep people in my life that probably shouldn't be in it. It's true when they say that love can make you blind, because you don't see how much someone is actually tearing you down as opposed to lifting you up. 

This way of thinking and this way of living might be just two of the reasons that I occasionally scare people off; although I this particular notion is debatable, I've been told that I'm more mature than most people are for my age. In turn, there are those that don't understand or see things the way that I do. But I guess that's what makes me unique.

Strength

Strength has become one of the key things in my life; it is not something comes easily nor does it come in a short amount of time. On a physical level, I had to learn to be strong just to get from point A to to Point B. I was once told that I probably had the strongest arms (for a girl) that anyone had ever seen. And for the sake of being humorous, I do have what my family calls a "death grip"...it's probably a good idea to avoid it if you can. I'm not proud of this, but I did almost break a friend's fingers once. Since then, I have learned to be gentle when necessary. 

point, regarding all areas of my life. 

I do not say these things in self-pity, but rather stating that this is where my personal strength comes from. I learned many times over that in a way, I am a survivor. That regardless of what curve balls come at me unexpectedly, I will get through it. I may not know how to right then and there, but I learn. 

However, true strength is not just being able to carry any sort of heavy burden on your own; you have to allow others to be there for you and take care of you. 

I'll be honest when I say that I can be prideful; prideful in wanting to prove everybody wrong and to be able to stand up and say "look at me now! And you really thought I couldn't do it, could you?" Sometimes I think it's easier not to tell anyone what goes on or what I may be struggling with. But time and time again, it has only proven that I cannot do it all by myself. As much as I want to, I can't. 

Asking for help doesn't mean that you're weak...it just means that you're human. 

Stream of Conscience #2

• I have at least a dozen different story/blog ideas in mind, yet for the life of me cannot figure out how exactly to write them down. In a way, I feel stuck; I have so much to write about and plenty of thoughts swimming around in my head, yet they're not transferring to paper (or in my case, computer screen) the way I want them to. What is even more frustrating is how I have had a month to write and have done very little of it. I'm thinking I just need to not go on the computer for the rest of today..
• This week is my last full week of winter break; It's somewhat weird going back to school and the daily grind of things, especially since I haven't had any homework or studying to do for about a month. That in turn is why I believe that four weeks is too long for a college student; you go for awhile without studying or doing any homework and than you start classes again and have to get right back into it. 
• Of course, I am looking forward to it (probably for the first time in my life). I've missed all the random and crazy shennanigans, (did I even spell that right?) along with spending time with ever crazier friends. My class schedule will be a bit more hectic class and time wise, being that I have more in a day than last semester. Not to mention that some of them are back to back (with only ten minutes in between) and it will be a bit of a hike to get from one building to the other. I'll have to time myself the day before classes begin to see just how long it takes me. 
• I just realized that I have something going on almost every weekend after I get back; not that I am complaining, because they're fun activities. I just have a bit of planning to do, especially in regards to my birthday...
• Speaking of which, I've been asked about gift ideas and am not short of shelling them out to various friends and family members. But there is one thing that I really want...one thing that only involves one person. I really have got to stop day-dreaming. 
• I sound pretty exasperated, don't I? That's what happens when you find yourself with a list of a dozen or so things to do before going back to college....