Sentiments Behind The Song

Music 

What is your favorite song from 2013? 

This year was a great year in music, and I love sharing new songs/artists that I find through my "Music Monday" series. From "Sunny and 75" by Joe Nichols to "Wake Me Up" by Avicii, it's so hard to choose just one. But if I had to pick a favorite I would say....

Mirrors, by Justin Timberlake

Call me an old-fashion romantic, but I'm a sucker for love songs, and this is about the closest thing to one this year (at least within the pop genre). I don't consider them a lost art, but I tend not to hear them very much now a days. While I'm not sure if I'm believe in the notion of a "other half," I can get behind the idea of two people complimenting each other. More so, they bring  out the best in each other and make their lives better, which is part of what this song is about. 

I've never admitted this before, but listening to it reminds me that love does exist. Despite what I've been through and what I'm still working through, I don't need proof in numbers or success stories to know that it's possible. It's just a matter of being open to it and having the right attitude. 

There is a very powerful music video for this, but unfortunately was unable to find it on Youtube.

And yes, I would one day like to slow dance to this!

photo credit: Eyesplash - Winter is coming along with Santa via photopin cc

My Favorite Self(ie)

Picture 

Post your favorite picture from 2013, self-portrait or otherwise (prompt credit: Kat McNally) 

I didn't know how the costume would turn out; I just wanted to dress up as Audrey Hepburn for Halloween. I already had a black dress and paid close attention to make-up tutorials. My friend did my hair and I managed to find a ten-dollar necklace and earring set. 

It was one of those times where I looked in the mirror and truly felt beautiful. Not because I chose something other than a skin-tight get-up, but because it was simple and yet it was also glamorous. It actually was the beginning of a change in how I do my make-up and how I've been trying to present myself as a little more sophisticated. 

One of my friends did the hair bun and supplied the fake pipe for this impromptu photo shoot. While the gloves and tiara are noticeably absent, I think I pulled off an "Audrey" well.

Gems To Hold Onto

Unforgettable

What are five things that you don't want to forget from 2013? (prompt credit: Hope Wallace Karney) 

1. If something is intentionally done with love, there should be no guilt or shame afterward

-My therapist offered me this piece of wisdom early on in the semester; I love letting people know that the mean something to me, whether it be sending a random text, a hug, or offering to do something nice in any way. At the same time, sometimes I wonder if I'm heard or get taken seriously because I do it a lot, and at one point I was questioning whether or not I should scale it back a bit. However, this year has taught me how to cherish people, and if that means coming off as somewhat cheesy, I'm not going to apologize for it. 

2. Don't forget to bring the good stuff in!

-One of the trends that often goes around the internet (especially the blogosphere) is how to remove negativity from your life; it could be people, it could be limiting your time on Facebook or in front of the TV, etc. But rarely have I ever heard or read anything relating to how to include what is positive and what is happy; it doesn't necessarily have to fill the empty space, but it can if it ultimately makes your life better, then I don't see why not. 

3. Make time for those you love

-For many, the term "busy" doesn't just define a temporary season, but a way of life. I understand that some careers or oriented that way, and that there are those who are constantly used to being on the go all of the time. But from my own experience, doing so eventually gets exhausting, both physically and mentally. I've also realized that my second love language (next to physical touch) is quality time. I'm fascinated by people's stories, and having a strong support system is what has helped me to get through the many rough patches I went through this year. Again, I recognize that some have little to no control over their academic/work schedules, and that realistically time is not something that is freely given. Yet if there's one thing I've learned this year in particular, its that life is fragile and nothing is ever guaranteed. I don't know about you, but I don't want to look back on my years and wish that I had seen more of my friends and family. So even if it's just stopping by a loved one's house after work or catching up over lunch or coffee for an hour, don't forget to surround yourself with good people. At the end of the day, I'd rather keep my sanity over success, whatever that make look like. 

4. Indulge in fun (and child-like) things

-Along with making time for loved ones, it's also important to make time for doing fun stuff. It doesn't have to involve going out and getting drunk, nor does it have to involve alcohol in general. In the last five months, I re-discovered activities that I used to do as a kid, and I still get a kick out of at the age of twenty-one. To celebrate the fourth of July, my friends and I went to a local carnival and had a barbecue. In October, we went apple/pumpkin picking and then had a pumpkin carving party. It's no secret that I love watching Disney movies and I'm determined to host a game night or two before graduation. Contrary to popular belief, adulthood doesn't have to always be about choosing what's necessary over what you want. In other words, it doesn't have to suck. You just have to be creative (particularly if a budget is involved) and intentional with what you're doing if it's a big event. That being said, it's OK to be spontaneous too!

5. Let yourself BE

-If there's a singular roadblock to being vulnerable, it's when you focus on how to say something rather than just saying it. I've spent so much of this year trying to explain certain happenings and feelings in a way that everyone can understand, and in the end I wound up making it harder than it needed to be. In the grand scheme of it all, I cared too much about what other people thought and landed in an emotional prison because of it. While whole-heartily do my best not to intentionally hurt other people or cause conflict, I've learned that the more you try not to hurt somebody else, the more you end up hurting yourself. The reality is that not all will understand or empathize with the situation, nor will they care. It's not a question of whether to be selfless or selfish, but how to set boundaries and take care of myself. And it's a process that I'm still going through. 

There are plenty more gems of wisdom that I picked up this past year, but these are the top five. What are yours?

photo credit: Esparta via photopin cc

The Edge of Hurt and Grief

Grief

What did you grieve for this year? What did you lose? (Prompt credit: Kat Mcnally)

I've written so much about specific losses and pain this year that I almost can't bear to do a summary of it again. But that doesn't mean I don't have anything left to say on the subject, at least from a general standpoint.

We all know what it's like to experience pain and suffering, as well as the fear of allowing someone in during that tough time. A lot of us also know what it's like to be on the outside, to watch another person cry out to God or anybody for that matter, begging to close the wound. Though I've experienced most of the former this year, I've actually gained a lot of insight about holding others up when they've practically doubled over. I thought I would share some of it in the form of a letter. And for the sake of clarification, I say "outsider" because he or she may not have been in that hurting person's shoes before.

Dear Outsider, 

A friend of yours has basically told you that their heart is broken: a loved one might have passed away unexpectedly. Their parents or parent-figures might be choosing to separate or divorce. A significant other ended that relationship. It could be a number of circumstances, but one thing is for sure; he or she is devastated and going through a period of mourning. They might not outright say that they need you, but it's apparent in their voice, their eyes, or the way they go from full of life to utterly lifeless. 

Now here you might be feeling like you can't do or say much, especially if you haven't been in their shoes. But trust me when I tell you that that line of thinking is probably the worst way to go about it. No one in this world is ever without something to offer, regardless of what roads they've walked or what they've been taught. Let me repeat that again: there is always something to give, whether it be big or small. The key is the will to step out of what makes you feel comfortable and step into the role of a supporter, confidant, and friend. Keep in mind that this is not about you, this is about the person who is looking at you with pain written across their face, and is trying to tell you that they're going through some level of hell. 

It's natural to approach any situation as a problem that needs to be solved; we live in a society that's constantly busy, going from one thing to the next. At best, we rattle off a list of do's and don'ts and how-to's. At worst, we serve a course of "suck it up and move on" or "stop crying and be an adult." We rely on gender norms in order to cope. The reality is that this may not be a problem to solve or even a pain that you can take away. This may be something that they have to deal with for the rest of their life. 

One way to go about it is to ask the question, "what do you need?" You're not making assumptions and you're not acting like you have the answers (in which it's OK if you don't). Your friend's response could vary, but many people simply want someone they can pour their heart out to without fear of being condemned or criticized. Another way of putting it would be that they just want you to listen; I've found that in order to become a good listener, you must learn how to be silent and give them their space until they're finished. Or at least do so until he/she invites you into the conversation, either by asking what your opinion is on the situation, or how they should go about moving forward (which I'll get to momentarily). If you don't understand something or need clarification, ask questions to keep the conversation going. The best response might be "I may not have been in your shoes, but I respect where you're coming from." 

Another important aspect is acknowledgment that you're there; making eye contact and keeping it affirms that you're giving them full attention and that their words aren't just going in one ear and out the other. I can't speak for everyone, but physical touch has always been a way for me to connect with others. Sometimes it's just touching their shoulder or taking their hand at some point. Other times it's putting my arm around them or giving a hug/holding them afterward. This can be tricky because there are those who are not touch-oriented; be aware of those boundaries and respect them if they've been set. Yet, I can say from personal experience that a hug is the best way to reassure someone that they're not alone, especially if you don't know what to say. There are circumstances where actions speak louder than words, because words are not always needed. 

Out of everything, what you want to communicate the most is this: I hear you, I see you, and I respect that's how you feel. 

That being said, there will be times when something is beyond what you know or are able to do. Your friend might need a therapist or counselor who can give more feedback and insight than you alone. However, communicating this is not the easiest thing to do; choose your words carefully because it can come off in a way that you didn't intend. Affirm that you care about the person and that you will be with them through this tough time, but along with that, it's a good idea for them to seek professional help. You're not walking away, but you're not taking on something heavier than what you can handle. 

It doesn't necessarily have to end after one conversation: call them, text them, encourage them. The best messages are often the ones that simply let somebody know that you're thinking about them; this is especially true if you know that something is going on but the other person hasn't or may not want to bring it up. 

I'm not writing this to give you crap, and I understand that a lot of this is easier said than done. What's the point of trying to take on the weight of somebody's world if you can't carry it? Here's the thing though: despite what you're told, you don't have to go big or go home in order to make a difference in the life of another person. That's what love in action is all about; being able to do the small things with a big heart. 

Instead of being one who complains about the lack of good in the world or how unfair life is, be one who makes a point of putting good back in it. 

With Sincerity and Compassion,

The other side

I have learned and come to understand a lot about grief and loss in this last year alone. As stated in the letter, it doesn't just have to only involve the passing of a loved one. It could be a broken relationship that's beyond repair. A separation or change in family dynamic. Realizing that one chapter is closing and that a particular stage of life is over. Yes, this is all encompassed in grief; and I know this because I've been through it or am currently experiencing it right now. 

I cannot describe how alone I've felt during these times, and how that isolation still fills me every so often. June is, and probably always will be a very difficult month. A couple of weeks from now will mark an anniversary of a loss that I still feel to this day. I never said goodbye, nor did I mourn with a community. I'm not sure if I'll ever fully get over that. 

And for that reason, I became resentful of the people I felt like should have been there more than anybody. I felt emotionally distant from my family. I explained to friends who were on the outside that I had very simple yet specific needs, and yet they still felt like they couldn't help. Damn it that hurt...a lot. 

Grief isn't measurable; everyone is hurting, regardless of how close they were to the person. So for people to tell me that I needed to be strong and stop dwelling on it is complete bullshit. I still think about it. I still cry when certain songs come on the radio. There's no expectation for anyone to wake up one day and suddenly not feel the sadness ever again. It's always there, if only a dull ache that beats against your chest when something triggers a memory. 

I'm in a place right now where I need to do what feels healthy for me. It may look selfish and/or stupid, but quite frankly I'm tired of hiding. I don't expect everybody to understand or agree with it, and that's OK. What's important is that I do what is best to ultimately be a better daughter, sister, and friend. It's not about making people understand, but learning how to live whole-heartedly despite the fact that some don't. 

That's all right with me.

photo credit: seyed mostafa zamani via photopin cc

On Quiet Places and Togetherness

Nourishment 

The way we nourish ourselves determines our ability to shine a light in the world; And nourishment doesn't just come in the form of food and drink and sunshine. It's equally important to nourish your spirit. What made you feel nourished this year? (Prompt credit: Kat McNally) 

2013 was definitely a year of being spiritually thirsty; I was still struggling over the concept of faith and having God in my life, and what that meant. For anyone that has ever questioned their beliefs, living in the age of technology can make the journey even more perplexing. Instead of just books or sermons, there are now tweets, personal blogs, and podcasts dissecting every Biblical or spiritual topic imaginable. The constant what-if scenarios can drive any person crazy. And I realized that maybe that was the problem; I needed to stop enveloping myself in all the fluff and get back to the basics, specifically with prayer and having quiet time again. 

When my friend passed away earlier this summer, I was in agony. I felt like I didn't have very many people to lean on at the time because it seemed like hardly anyone around me wanted to acknowledge the situation, let alone talk about it. I was never taught how to deal with death as a child/teenager, particularly when it's sudden and unexpected. Subconsciously, I understood that my faith (however much or little) was the only substantial thing I had to cope. While it might have seemed typical that I was only turning to God when life became nearly impossible, it was also the beginning of an understanding and a sense of peace that I'd been longing to feel for several years. 

It didn't happen right away; in the days following the accident, I was numb and kept thinking that this all was just a nightmare. How do I pray? What do I even pray about? Memorizing Bible verses and relying on cliche Christian phrases felt like using band-aids and Neosporin. I needed to grieve. I needed to allow myself to hurt. But there was little to no room for that in the time that I was at home, at least that's how I interpreted what I was being told.

Going back to my apartment was like army-crawling out of a minefield, but slowly I got a grip and began to develop a routine. Mornings were spent writing in my journal or reading a passage in my Bible. Sometimes I played meditation music in the background. Sometimes I prayed out loud. And other times I simply wept and could only ask God to hear what was on my heart because I couldn't articulate my thoughts. I went to church every so often, but there are some things about church that still make me anxious and fidgety, but that is for another time. 

Despite the frustration and uncertainty of that time (my writing gig and main reason I had stayed at school for the summer was constantly up in the air) I appreciated being able to meet with God wherever I felt safe and comfortable. It did not make the pain go away, but gave me a way to process it. It did not make everything better, but it did give me some clarity. For once, I was not measuring my faith based on a sermon or whatever was going on around me; I was looking inward. 

And as scary as it is, nourishment has also come from being vulnerable; there are quite a few people that I've become incredibly close to this year because I was willing to be open with them about a lot of things. It was hard because I hadn't done it in such a long time, at least without feeling rushed, like I had to put it all out there in a month of meeting them. I took my time and was careful that I letting them in for the right reasons, which is where I learned a lot about connection versus attachment. Attachment is where two people become close rather quickly, and more so that they do so in hopes that the relationship will be the solution to either one or both persons' problems. Connection takes its time; it can be instant, sure, but you don't truly get to know a person within a day or so. I'm fascinated by people and think it's great when you can still learn about them, even after you've known each other for a while. 

Not only has it helped me deepen relationships, but it's opened my eyes to one of my biggest struggles: the struggle of being able to say "I need you." However, that is also for another post down the road.

But that's how nourishment works; you keep watering/feeding yourself, and hopefully it becomes second nature. When your nurture yourself (and allow others to nurture you) you begin to no longer make decisions out of fear, but of love and faith.

Photo Credit

Let's Try Something New

New Things 

Was there something new that you tried in 2013? What was it? How did it make you feel? (prompt credit: Paper Relics) 

In all my years I never predicted that I would come to love cooking as much as I have. Aside from baking, it didn't seem like my parents or family members really enjoyed it, like it was more a necessity rather than something fun. The fact that it was always done against a clock (meaning there were times were there was a lot of rushing around) made me dread it for a couple of years. I didn't start seriously getting into it until I moved into an apartment on my own junior year, where I had my own space and it was much bigger. I think the first meal I ever made in it was sauted fajita meat, (microwaved) mashed potatoes, and a side of vegetables. It wasn't huge, but it was a start.

Though a lot of what I make for dinner or lunch is already pre-made (I love those frozen Bertoli skillets; they take all of ten minutes and I usually have enough for a second meal), I love the creativity that goes into it. And the more I do it, the more confident I become in my abilities. It's definitely more enjoyable when I put music on in the background; right now my go-to playlists on Pandora are the easy-listening and George Strait stations. Depending on what song is on, cooking can turn into a spiritual, almost romantic experience. Again, it's in the beauty of creation, which is more true when I'm cooking for other people. There's nothing like sharing a meal over a glass of wine with your closest friends, even if it isn't from scratch. 

That's not to say that I haven't or don't want to attempt at personal creations. A couple of months back I (tried) making chicken prosciutto pasta; it was a lot of fun, but the sauce came out a little gooey so I'm wondering if I should try substituting heavy whipping cream for something else, or use a different brand of cheese. I would love to learn how to make my Dad's chili or get the recipes for my paternal grandmother's chicken and noodles and beef stew. Those aside, I love coming up with my own stuff; I just have to remember to actually write it down! 

One of the best things is that there is always something new to learn; sometimes it's as simple as heating sauce on the stove as opposed to a microwave, or using different pans or seasonings or in order to give meat a little more flavor. I'm still not the best at making rice or grilled cheese, admittedly. 

Despite past associations, I hope that cooking is something that I will continue to love and get better at as time goes on. I don't buy the whole "women belong in the kitchen" garbage (or whatever variation people use) and would like it to be something that my significant other and I can do together when that time comes. On a practical note, I do tend to need help with taking things out of the oven, lifting heavy pots/pans, and even chopping. So if the guy doesn't want to eat burnt pizza and before eight o'clock at night, he's going to have to lend a hand! And I say that with love and humor, if nothing else. 

What about you? Do you have any off-the-wall tips for cooking? What are your favorite recipes?

photo credit: sullen_snowflakes via photopin cc

Stepping In Tragedy

Today marks the beginning of Reverb13, an annual journey that focuses on reflecting on the past year and anticipating what is to come. This is my third year involved in the project, and I can't wait to share all that I have experienced, learned, and have grown in these last twelve months. Feel free to join me!

One event-something that happened outside of your community that either changed you, or at least impacted you. 

Bits and pieces first started streaming in through Twitter with the hashtag "Boston Marathon." I remember watching General Hospital in my apartment and being annoyed at how it had been interrupted by an ABC News Brief, where reporters said that there had been some kind of bombing during race. Camera crews showed medical teams and smoke and various forms of chaos. Immediately I could only think "Oh God, not again!" as Newton and Sandy Hook was still on the minds of many. But my thoughts were done from racing and my heart was far from hurting. 

Days passed and details kept pouring in; by Wednesday or Thursday I was also aware of the explosion in Waco, Texas. I'm pretty sure I was in a now-familiar fog that practically gets draped around me like a cloak whenever I hear bad news. I began texting anyone and everyone that I knew, friends or family; they were basically variations of "I love you." Most vividly was the one I sent to my dad, where we both agreed that this particular expression was not used enough between the two of us. I listened to "Hole In The World" by The Eagles several times over, which was actually written in reflection of September 11th. The question of what's next? frequently came up in my thoughts. 

It's crazy to realize that nothing is truly safe anymore; that simply being in public poses some kind of threat of danger. I don't recall what blog or article I read this in, but the author mentioned how several generations have been living in fear for the last decade or so. From Columbine to 9/11, to all that came afterward and in between, that fear has yet to ease. Now that I look back on it, something awful has happened (on a mass level) almost every single year since I was a freshman in high school. People raise their voices in justice, but it pains me to see that such devastation is now being accepted as something that is normal. 

And you know what? It shouldn't be.

 Death is a part of life and everyone goes through it, this is unspeakable. Just because you're angry at the world does not mean that some people in it deserve to have their lives taken, and in a gruesome manner on top of that. But admittedly I don't understand a whole lot regarding the debate on the gun control, so I'm not going to say a whole lot on that other than I think there is more to zero on than just banning weapons or iron handling who gets access to them. 

Somewhere in the midst of it all, it dawned on me that I didn't want to wait until the end of the following year to mend broken relationships. I reached out. I wrote letters, one which is still sitting on my dresser because I can't seem to find an opportunity to give it to him. I wanted to truly let go and just live, but its hard when those around you don't see it the same way. 

That message would get louder as time went on. Louder and Louder, until it was the only thing I could (emotionally) hear. I don't know what the answer is to all of this. I don't know where we go from here. But there heart can only take so much, and I'm sure mine is not the only one that is tired of breaking of senseless acts of violence.

photo credit: drp via photopin cc