Gathering: A Breath Of The Southwest

Day 3-Gathering

What was the most memorable event/gathering that you attended or held in 2012?

When my parents approached me about going with them to Colorado over Labor Day weekend, I (literally) jumped at the chance. I was not about to go through another weekend of winding up completely exhausted (my freshman year) or crying a bucket of tears on my bedroom floor (sophomore year). I was feeling that itch to get away from the chaos of campus, as I often do when student life becomes stressful.

But this wasn't just a simple getaway; we would be primarily going to visit my brother at the Air Force Academy since it was his parents/family weekend up there. Along with that, we would also be officially celebrating my grandparents fiftieth wedding anniversary.

It was my first time being back in two years; the last time we took a little mini-vacation so that my brother could do an unofficial visit at the Air Force. I was kind of nervous that the wildfires (back in June) had swallowed up the majority of the natural elements that surrounded the place. There was some truth to that, but not from what I could see.

While my siblings and I occasionally have our differences, I had missed mine very much. Seeing my brother for the first time in two months was amazing. I don't mention this a whole lot, but that kid is like my twin, even though we technically are not. We just have strikingly different personalities, almost to the point of being completely opposites. But he is the reason I have been able to physically accomplish as much as I have; without having him as an example, I might not have gained the motivation to crawl, walk, and a lot of other things, particularly when I was little.

We spent a lot of time doing activities related to the Academy and the wrestling team, which I didn't mind; it was interesting to see how things worked around there, and made me appreciate the things that I have at my school (although the lack of structure can be tempting). There were a few instances where I teared up, such as the fly-over during the cadet parade. I felt so proud to have a sibling that is serving our country and that he gets to do all these things. Don't get me wrong, I've had uncles and grandfathers that have served as well; but for some reason, it didn't hit as close to home. Probably because I never got to see them in the uniform or see the kinds of things that they did.

This may sound silly, but another part that I genuinely enjoyed was the car rides back and forth to different places. Mom would always know to turn on the Country music station for me, and I'd sit back and watch the different mountains go by as we passed them. Hearing Brad Paisley, Jason Aldean, and while taking in such incredible views, everything felt a little bit easier. It was relaxing. It was simple.

It reminded me of what you're able to see and experience when you stop stressing out and just sit back and enjoy life. 

The end of our trip culminated in having dinner at Cheyenne Mountain Resort for my Grandparents wedding anniversary celebration. Not only was it remarkable to be able to toast to such a milestone (especially today given the divorce rate) but we did so in a place filled with incredible natural beauty. 

I was a little depressed on our way to the airport; there's something about Colorado (or maybe the Southwest in general) that is peaceful and uncomplicated. I can't say that I would like to live in the country because of how spread out everything is. However, if God allows it, it would be wonderful to have a little place to go and just get away from the craziness when I feel the need to. 

Ultimately, the main reason why that weekend was so special because I had practically everything that I hold dear to me in one place: family, love, and the simple things.

A Cup Of Grace

Day 2-Limits

We often learn our limits the hard way. Were there any limits you realized this past year? (Author: Carolyn Rubenstein)

I have always felt this strong urge to rise above what is expected of me, even to the point of where I surprise and even shock people. In every stage of life I've had a main goal, from overcoming the obstacles associated with Cerebral Palsy, or just being happy.

The older I got, the greater that urge became; a thirst that I was always able to quench, regardless of the lengths I had to go to. 

It kicked into overdrive sometime during sophomore or junior year. I had made some poor choices throughout the year (well, more like the past two years) and I felt like one of those people who just couldn't get their shit together. 

I was tired of being attracted to guys that looked good in pictures, but broke my heart every single time. 

I hated that I attracted unbelievably sleazy and down right creepy ones; those that lurked around campus, looking for next girl that they could convince to have sex with them. 

And I wondered why I gravitated toward people that were so broken to the point where nothing could be done to help them, unless they sought help themselves. 

Somehow I convinced myself that I was the problem, and that the solution was that I needed to change. Maybe if I was more like so and so (i.e. a lot of Christian women that I knew) than maybe I wouldn't feel so messed up. The insecurities that I had felt nearly four years ago, particularly when I was in high school at my home church, were coming back out again. But what I thought were efforts of change and improvement were more like efforts of trying to hide. 

And I was hiding because I was ashamed of the mistakes that I'd made. The mistakes that looking back on it, were regrettable, yet part of navigating college. A lot of what I thought about and considered doing was a lot worse then what I actually did. But I convinced myself that it was bad, merely because I thought about it. 

But the truth was, none of what I was trying to do was because I really wanted to. It was because I believed that I had to. I did it because I feared not being "Christian enough" in the eyes of my church friends and believers. I feared that what was partially my personality and nature would not be "good enough" or worthy of a man to love me. 

So on the outside, I put on a brave face and forced a smile when I needed to. I didn't bring anything up unless someone asked. And when they did, I always prefaced with some kind of defense, so if and when they did condemn me, it wouldn't hurt so much. 

It was anything but healthy, and could very well have destroyed me. 

My moment of liberation happened during early November in the apartment of one of my best friends. A group of us were going around and talking about the struggles in our lives, and after I spent a good five to ten minutes going on about mine, another dear friend asked if she could be honest with me. We had actually been meeting for coffee since the beginning of the semester, so she knew all about what I was saying.

I remember  her words very clearly:

"I've been watching you go through the same struggles since our freshman year, and you're breaking my heart. You have to stop beating yourself up, because all you're doing is hurting yourself. Let yourself be open to loving other people, and let other people love you."

In that moment, all I could do was cry. That was powerful, and it was the difficult, face-slapping truth that I needed to hear.

Let yourself be loved

Following that night, I realized why "change" wasn't happening; I wasn't allowing others to be apart of the journey and the process, aside those in my counseling group. Even then it was tough though, because I still coming off as angry and defensive. In order for any kind of healing to take place, you need to be completely open about your experiences and not rely on the reactions of others.

The other big part of it was trying too hard to mold myself into someone that I wasn't, rather than allowing God to work in me and mold me over the course of time. When we use our own strength to twist ourselves into the supposed ideal mindset or person, it will eventually backfire.

It's so easy to assume that our beliefs should enable us to think, act, and ultimately live in the same way. However, we're each given different gifts, with different personalities, to impact people in different ways.

Still, it can be a difficult path to navigate. While I am much more at peace, I can't promise that I won't have set-backs or struggles in the future, especially as I move into new and different stages in my life. By my own nature, I am a determined, hard-headed, and sometimes stubborn woman. I'm a little competitive and will always in one way or another, have this desire to show other people what I'm capable of.

And when I fail, which does and will happen from time to time, I will always ask myself what I could have done differently, or what I could have done better. What I need to remember is that it doesn't have to take over my life.

Rejection, for what ever reason, absolutely sucks. But while you may not be "good enough" for your church, school, a relationship, perhaps even family, it doesn't mean that you aren't good. That I believe is why we have Grace; to be able to forgive and accept ourselves despite our past mistakes, even when the people around us won't.  It enables us to fully embrace the love and freedom that God offers us, because it is the only thing we're really guranteed to have.

And when you do, maybe you'll come to find out that a lot of what you assumed in the beginning was actually not true at all, as I did. Maybe you'll find out it's not that people don't like you, but they don't know you, because you were so ashamed and hid your true self out of that fear. 

Whatever it is, make a point to get off of that pedestal and give yourself a cup of Grace; not just today, but every day. Drink it in slowly, and remember that every day is completely new. You're wonderfully made and loved, even in the times where you don't believe it or feel it. 

All of what I have just written may sound a little off-kilter, given that I am still trying to process what it means and genuinely live it out. All I know is that the standards that I have set for myself are too high, and it's beyond exhausting trying to live up to them. 

As I said, we're not created to carry heavy burdens by ourselves. I would not be where I am right now if not for the friends that weren't afraid to look me in the eye and tell the truth, which they still continue to do. 

I am blessed and I am grateful. But mostly, I feel like I am finally free.

One Word

Well, it's that time again! For the past couple of years, I have participated in a blogging project called Reverb, where one blogs each day throughout the month of December as they reflect on the good, the bad, and maybe the downright ugly that happened during the past year.

This time around, I'll be using a variety of prompts that I find from different hosting websites. You can find today's prompt here 

Day 1-One Word(s)

Encapsulate the year 2012 in one word. Explain why you're choosing that word. Now imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2013 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

I've been told by a few of my friends that I am the kind of person who is very aware of things. I feel that I have a strong intuition and am good at assessing people and situations as a whole. However, I made some very naive and unwise decisions this year. 2012 was a very big wake-up call in terms of what to do and what not to do. 

. 

This year, I gained awareness and insight on the following:

Safety and self-protection in dangerous situations are more important than trying to be nice. 

That some relationships are too stressful and unhealthy to have. And that trying to constantly see the good in a particular person or situation can be harmful.

God and Christianity in our modern culture often look like two very different things. 

Love is one of the greatest gifts, while self-defensive and putting up walls eventually becomes one of the greatest pains. 

We're all made from the same clay, but we're not molded in the same way. 

As this year comes to a close, I find myself looking at a new one that I have never really explored before, and something that I want to carry over into 2013. That word being Freedom. 

In February, I will be turning twenty-one, so I will have the freedom to stay in a bar or a nightclub after ten o'clock. 

But more important than that, I want to embrace other freedoms as well. Emotional freedoms and spiritual freedoms.  

To express my experiences and feelings without defensiveness or fear of judgement; regardless of what other people say or think, I am still loved. 

Letting go of the ridiculously high standards I tend to set for myself. 

Allowing others to support and help me, in whatever way that may be. 

Not being shadowed by past mistakes or choices. 

That I am only defined by how I see myself; to rest in how God sees me. 

To love whole-heartily, and allowing my heart to receive that same kind of love in return. 

I hope to elaborate more on some of these topics as this month progresses. There are so many thoughts that take more than one sentences to express. 

Awareness and Freedom are beautiful words; I pray that I will be able to put them into beautiful actions.

An Excerpt

Within my application into the creative writing track, I had to submit an essay for the non-fiction portion of my portfolio. I thought I might share an excerpt of this essay, one that I hope to kick-start writing down my own life story, and the theme that I hope to incorporate as I do so; that it's not the big events that have shaped my life, but the small, almost transparent moments that at times generally go unrecognized. 

This is not the entire essay in itself; those that know me pretty well may understand this, while those that don't may be scratching their heads. I don't want to share this piece in it's entirety because I'd like to get it published someday, in a form where handfuls and handfuls of people can read it. 

Here is a small section of what I've titled A Little Piece of Sunshine

I sat in the water, letting my forearms rest against the concrete and trying to ignore the stinging combination of sunburn and chemicals on my back. I sat up in an attempt to try and relieve myself of the pain, when I noticed that the sun was going down, transforming the sky into an array of pinks, oranges, and yellows. I shivered in awe, despite the fact that it was eighty degrees. I had witnessed a fair amount of sunsets back home, but there was something about this particular one that deeply imprinted itself into my poignant photographic memory.

I considered myself a spiritual woman, attending Church on Sundays and proclaiming that I had a relationship with God. Yet, this was one of the first moments where I truly sensed His presence; the palm trees danced in an easy sway, while laughter and conversation almost transformed into a kind of music. For the first time in months, I was genuinely happy; my family was all together in one place, where we weren’t fighting or worrying about money. Personally, I had paradise at my fingertips. It was one of my first experiences of truly living in the moment; of somehow capturing a piece of time and savoring it with all that I have.

  That following morning, I sat down on the back patio and sipped my ice-cold Frappuccino, because it was difficult to drink hot coffee there, even at nine o’clock in the morning. I wrote in my journal, Dear God, thank you for these blessings; thank you for my family, and all the little things that I tend to take for granted. And thank you for being in my life.

 Seven years have passed, many of which were filled with haze, tears, and confusion. In those years, I have managed to carry that experience with me, particularly in the way someone would carry a lucky trinket or a special piece of jewelry. I’ve learned to take note of the smallest of details, allowing me to recall what would be deemed unimportant by our fast-paced, media saturated culture. I collect memories the way some collect seashells; beautiful artifacts to be stored or displays in special places. But instead of a bag or a bucket, they’re stored in the deep crevices of my mind and heart. And instead of a jar or some kind of table or surface, they display themselves over and over again in my mind’s eye, or in the content of my writing.

I realize that the ending appears rather abrupt; because this is only a small portion, I didn't know what exactly to put without having to include the entire ending. 

As I said, this is the beginning of my writing down my life story, in a way that I don't usually do on my blog. I want to write a series of essays concerning various aspects of my life, from relationships to dealing with Cerebral Palsy in various stages. I don't know which essays I'll choose to publish since they'll most likely be very personal. For now, I'm praying that God will give me the courage to write what I feel the need to write, and direction on what should be shared. 

God gave me this gift, and I want to make a difference. I just wonder what that impact will or what it does look like.

Stream Of Consciousness: The Two C's

These last couple of weeks have been stressful, yet amazing.

I've had a ton of school work to do; since the beginning of October, it has usually been multiple exams and papers almost every week. Add in required reading, and you've got what some of my friends have called a "disgusting" workload. It felt absolutely draining, because I'm not one that can plow through an entire paper or a pile of homework. I have to give myself breaks, and that's partially why I didn't blog for a week and a half; my thoughts were all incredibly disorganized and jumbled, and that explains some of my "current thoughts" posts that may not make a lot of sense.

But a great deal of that stress was eliminated when I found out (the day after the Presidential Election) that I had been accepted into my school's creative writing track. One of the top programs in the nation. And a program no less that is very difficult to get into.

I felt a burden fall from my shoulders when a friend of mine looked me in the eye and told me to let other people love me; I could go more in depth about what those words meant to me, but I'd like to write a separate post about that another time. 

And while I'm not looking forward to preparing for finals, I do want to make the most of what's left of this semester. A few of my friends won't be back for second semester; some are graduating and one is studying abroad. I want to make sure I spend enough time with them and make the most out of the upcoming weeks. The Christmas season is also a definite plus!

Speaking of December, I am really looking forward to Reverb12 this year! It is always such a gratifying time of reflection, and right now I'm finally at a place where I'm completely comfortable with openly talking about certain things that I dealt with over the past year. I just pray that it will be well-received, and that at least one person will get something out of my vulnerability. 

Right now, if I were to pick two words to describe my current state of being, they would be content and comfortable. That's perfectly all right by me!

Small Pieces-Loving and Cherishing Sisterhood

I'm a big believer in surrounding oneself with strong women; not necessarily in the literal sense, but where they build you up and vice versa. I really don't know how I would have navigated these last two and a half years, much less my entire lifetime, without female relationships to hold on to and keep close to my heart.

It's hard to describe the love and gratitude that I feel toward my sisterhood, since those sentiments are frequently echoed throughout much of what I've already written. The majority of them don't all come from the same circle; some are from my hometown and others I met in recent years. Our beliefs and values sometimes differ, but that allows us to talk about a variety of things that I'm not always comfortable discussing with others.

The interesting thing is that I don't see the majority of them every single day; and the only ones I was ever truly inseparable with were those that either lived close to me and it was during my childhood. But I don't view that as a negative thing; in fact, it's quite the opposite.

And it saddens me when I hear other women put each other down, or proclaim that they like hanging out with guys better because girls are "so full of drama." How is it possible to hate your own gender to  where you can't  be around them? And if a female makes that kind of remark, does it mean that they hate themselves as well?

What's even worse is that the power and beauty of a woman to woman support system is so under-appreciated and underestimated. I get that not everybody wants or needs a gigantic pod of girlfriends in order to function; but what irritates me so is the reasons why.

While it's understandable to not want the immaturity and cattiness, it's slightly unfair to automatically write a person off like that just because that's how the majority appear. It's also unrealistic to think that relationships won't experience disagreements or issues at some point. Every kind does, regardless of how hard you try to avoid it.

But from my own experiences, I do know what feels healthy and what doesn't; what is a rough patch and what is simply too much to handle or deal with. The best thing you can do in that situation is to recognize when you should be the bigger person and step away from the circumstances; perhaps for a little while, or for good.

The other half is believing in the notion that a man will (be able to) give you everything. It may appear that way in the very beginning, but in hindsight, that is so far from the truth. Guys will only be able to offer so much emotional support, and you will both need time away from each other in order to stay true to yourself as well.

Some of the greatest memories I have (and will continue to make), whether it be this year, in college, my twenties, or in life, are the ones with those that I call "sisters." While we do have our fun nights of getting dressed up and going out, the moments that have always stuck out to me are the ones where we just sat down and talked openly about what was going on in our lives. No sugarcoating or "I'm fine" jargon; just pure, no filter honest-to-goodness truth. And that's the way it should be. 

This season, I give thanks for the women in my life. Without them, I probably wouldn't be experiencing the kind of healing that I have been in these last couple of weeks. More than likely, I would have allowed myself to become trampled by the hailstorm of curveballs that I've often had to withstand, particularly throughout this year. 

If you're a friend, family member, or someone I've only known for a short time, thank you. Thank you for teaching me so many things and being an incredible blessing. God is good, and I hope and pray that I have been able to do what you have done for me.

A Time To Rest

I have written and re-written this entry a few times, trying to come up with the best way to articulate how I currently feel. 

But maybe the "best way" is to just write completely unfiltered. Or maybe there isn't really a best way at all. 

That aside, life has kept me fairly busy, enough to know what the word "busy" genuinely means. Since the beginning of October, I have had multiple exams almost every week, plus papers, as well as assigned reading. While I am an English major, I didn't expect things to pile up and become so overwhelming

It's that time of the semester where college students in general begin that painful, uphill climb toward finals. Normally during this time, I would be stressing out more than I need to and desperately wishing for a break, as many college students usually do. But I've found that I simply can't plow through all of it, at least without losing my mind. 

I'm not going to wait for a break. I'm going to give myself one; a multitude of them, actually. 

Breaks are giving myself at least an hour to decompress after my last class. Writing/Journaling/Praying. Going for a walk. Getting coffee and having a night out with a friend. Simply just getting out of my apartment for a little while is a break in itself. 

Right now I'm trying to balance my focus on academics and dealing with a lot of personal struggles. I do want to write about them and discuss them, but I'm not at a point where I feel like I could do it without only venting, as opposed to encouraging others in the process. In short, I want to take it all to God before I put it on the blog (and yes, the rhyming was intentional). 

On the outside, everything feels totally calm and collected. On the inside, it's often chaos and what can sometimes be a toxic mixture of emotions. 

I am at a point where I'm trying to reconcile my past with my future; of learning what it means to really love myself, and let myself be loved. 

I won't make any promises, but I want to try and blog at least once a week for the rest of this month. School is keeping me on my toes, and the topics that I frequently want to write about tend to be overwhelming and take a long time; or at least more than just two or three days.  I hope that come December there will be another Reverb project, or at least a guide where I can create one myself. That's when I will get into the deep and gritty stuff, because I've always viewed December as a time of authentic reflection. 

There is a verse that has been going around in my head, particularly in the middle of all this crazy academic, personal, and even political stuff. It's in Psalm 46: 10; Be still and know that I am God.

Amen.