Day 7-Ease
What can you do to add ease to 2012?
When I first read this prompt, I didn't even have to think twice about my answer. It is something that I has become a really bad habit for me, and most likely for others as well.
I need to stop worrying so much.
Worrying seems like a natural inclination; it is perfectly normal for a parent to worry about their child when they don't come home at the time they're supposed to, or a friend to worry for another friend when watching them go through an extremely difficult time. But along with that is another and a different kind of worry; the kind where you're always doing it every single day, to the point where you literally cannot think without automatically doing it. I've heard of cases where people get so stressed out and so worked up that their hair starts falling out; if a person allows it to, worrying can very well take over their life.
While I'm not an expert, I've come to believe that anyone who compulsively worries (myself included) does it for two reasons: One, they think of the worst case scenerio (or multiple cases) as a way to prepare themselves for what could happen. That way, if it does happen, it won't hurt as much. Two, worrying is a way of having some amount or form of control in a situation that is otherwise uncontrollable. Does that make sense?
I believe it started from when I was a kid; growing up, I was constantly afraid of trying new things because I always thought something bad was going to happen. Intertwined with that was my having to be a bit of a planner, especially when I got into high school in college. I had to plan what time I was getting up so that I had enough time to get ready in the morning. Quite frankly, I still do that.
And as far as being a planner goes? Well, let's just say that there have been times where I've made three or four different sets of plans just in case something or variety of things didn't work out (and as crazy as that sounds, it is true).
But as I've been reflecting on this semester, I've been seeing just how much of a negative effect worrying and jumping the gun have had on both me and my life: I feel like I've screwed up some potential close friendships because I worried so much about being alone after my roommate started doing her own thing. When I was having breakfast with a friend back in October, I had a rather tearful moment because I thought he had forgotten. Which leads me to say that a lot of times when I make plans with people, I mentally have to hold my breath because a part of me thinks that they won't follow through. And all of that, in turn, has created some unnecessary trust issues.
My biggest worry right now is, where is my life going exactly? Lately I've been feeling that I haven't really been making a whole lot of progress with things that I'd like to do or goals that I'd like to accomplish. Just recently, I was asking myself "why the hell do I still feel stuck? I've been in therapy for two months and I have a lot of good people around me. Why can't I make stuff happen?"
And throughout this last week, some amazing things have been taking place. For instance, I was taking some time in the morning to do a prayer activity, and the first one talked about just appreciating all the small, beautiful things and not getting caught up in the craziness. The second activity (which I did this morning) was about looking as your trials as times to practice perseverance and learning to trust that God eventually works everything out.
Deep in my heart, I know that. I know that everything happens for a reason and that the puzzle pieces will one day come together. It is just a matter of genuinely believing in it and applying it to the way I live.
I'll be honest, not worrying is something that is going to be very hard for me, mostly because it is something that I have done for nearly a decade or more. Worry and over planning are probably two of the worst habits that I have, and I can imagine that I'm not alone in it.
When I was a freshman, I came up with this simple little phrase: Sometimes you have to just do what you can and let God take care of the rest. Granted, it's very general and I realize it doesn't exactly spell out a step-by-step solution. But then again, the point of not worrying is to not have that.
It will take time and a lot of encouragement; but I have faith that with enough practice, it can be done.
December 07, 2011
December 06, 2011
My Inspirations
Day 6-Inspirations
Who inspired you this year?
Thus far, this topic is probably one of the hardest and most thought-provoking topics I've chosen to write about; not because I can't think of anyone, but because I don't know how to write about it without sounding incredibly vulnerable; maybe the most vulnerable I've been with this blog in a long time. In retrospect, that is what writing is; speaking your own truth from the depths of your heart without being afraid to.
Yet, this is also one of my favorites, because it is my way of giving thanks for these people. And if there's one thing that I felt I have done this year (and hope to do in the years to come) it's not take anything or anyone for granted.
I have a few people in mind; they're not celebrities or that has been in the news (at least on a largely scaled level). but rather my own peers. Some of them I have known for awhile, and others I have just begun to really talk to this past year. While I may not interact with them every single day, I feel like I know them well enough to look up to them.
One of the bigger questions is not necessarily who inspires me, but how and the reasons behind it.
From having these people be a part of my life, I've noticed the following things....
1. They're positive and nearly always have something good to say-Nine times out of ten, they're hardly ever upset, angry or complaining about something. Not to say that it doesn't happen, because they're human. But I've seen two of them go through some pretty difficult stuff, especially this year, and they came out of it stronger than I ever would have been. None of them speak poorly about other people or themselves. They just overall have this sort of positive energy that makes them really down to earth and fun to be around.
2. They give, and do so selflessly-Whether it's volunteering, fundraising, or personally helping me out, they're always giving something to somebody. It's inspiring, especially during a time when so many other people are all about what they can get out of the college experience, or believing that life owes them something. It's why I have started to ask myself What can I do for others, and how?
3. They show who they are and don't apologize for it-Most of what I have learned about and from these people are not from what I've heard, but from what I've seen with my own eyes. In other words, they're not afraid to completely be themselves, especially when they're around other people. That in turn is a quality that I find very rare, because almost everyone these days puts up a wall or a mask of some kind. I confess, it was a little intimidating first, especially when I battled with my own issues of self-confidence. But as I've become comfortable around them, it's what I have grown to appreciate the most.
With all of that being said, let me be clear: it doesn't mean they're absolutely perfect or that they don't make mistakes. I do not idolize them or try to imitate them, but rather have been motivated to look at my own life and the kind of person that I want to be.It is because of what I mentioned above, that I have a deep admiration and respect for them.
Those reading this may think this is silly, or isn't worth being inspired by someone for. But the truth is, you never know what kind of an impact you might have on those around you, regardless of how big it is. And if you can pick up on another's influence, it's certainly possible to pass that influence on, and perhaps one day make a change.
Who inspired you this year?
Thus far, this topic is probably one of the hardest and most thought-provoking topics I've chosen to write about; not because I can't think of anyone, but because I don't know how to write about it without sounding incredibly vulnerable; maybe the most vulnerable I've been with this blog in a long time. In retrospect, that is what writing is; speaking your own truth from the depths of your heart without being afraid to.
Yet, this is also one of my favorites, because it is my way of giving thanks for these people. And if there's one thing that I felt I have done this year (and hope to do in the years to come) it's not take anything or anyone for granted.
I have a few people in mind; they're not celebrities or that has been in the news (at least on a largely scaled level). but rather my own peers. Some of them I have known for awhile, and others I have just begun to really talk to this past year. While I may not interact with them every single day, I feel like I know them well enough to look up to them.
One of the bigger questions is not necessarily who inspires me, but how and the reasons behind it.
From having these people be a part of my life, I've noticed the following things....
1. They're positive and nearly always have something good to say-Nine times out of ten, they're hardly ever upset, angry or complaining about something. Not to say that it doesn't happen, because they're human. But I've seen two of them go through some pretty difficult stuff, especially this year, and they came out of it stronger than I ever would have been. None of them speak poorly about other people or themselves. They just overall have this sort of positive energy that makes them really down to earth and fun to be around.
2. They give, and do so selflessly-Whether it's volunteering, fundraising, or personally helping me out, they're always giving something to somebody. It's inspiring, especially during a time when so many other people are all about what they can get out of the college experience, or believing that life owes them something. It's why I have started to ask myself What can I do for others, and how?
3. They show who they are and don't apologize for it-Most of what I have learned about and from these people are not from what I've heard, but from what I've seen with my own eyes. In other words, they're not afraid to completely be themselves, especially when they're around other people. That in turn is a quality that I find very rare, because almost everyone these days puts up a wall or a mask of some kind. I confess, it was a little intimidating first, especially when I battled with my own issues of self-confidence. But as I've become comfortable around them, it's what I have grown to appreciate the most.
With all of that being said, let me be clear: it doesn't mean they're absolutely perfect or that they don't make mistakes. I do not idolize them or try to imitate them, but rather have been motivated to look at my own life and the kind of person that I want to be.It is because of what I mentioned above, that I have a deep admiration and respect for them.
Those reading this may think this is silly, or isn't worth being inspired by someone for. But the truth is, you never know what kind of an impact you might have on those around you, regardless of how big it is. And if you can pick up on another's influence, it's certainly possible to pass that influence on, and perhaps one day make a change.
December 05, 2011
Five On Five
Day 5-Five Things
1. What 5 things have you done for yourself in 2011?
-In the first part of 2011, I made the choice to get an apartment as opposed to staying in the dorms for another year. Was it right? Yes and no. I believe that I could have picked a better place to live, and it may not have emotionally been the best idea to live with the person I am living with. But I don't regret it because I love having my own space and learning how to legitimately cook! There were other things that I started doing as well and would like to continue on into 2012. Specifically, sticking up for myself and asking for things when i need them, choosing to surround myself with good people, not being overly cautious and properly dealing with tough situations.
2. What 5 things have you done for others?
-This is a tough one because a part of me isn't sure as far as whether or not I did anything. I hope that I might have been able to make someone smile or laugh. That I might have cheered them up on a particularly bad day or made it a little brighter. And I hope that I might have inspired somebody, whether it be to let them know that accomplishing goals is not an impossible task, and/or how to live life a little bit more fully.
3. What held you back from doing things for others?
-I was rather insecure and afraid of how they would take it; normally I'm able to tell when someone is going through a rough time, but I never wanted to pry or be overbearing. Yet at the same time I wanted to scream, "For both our sakes, can you please just let me be a friend and help you out?" It was really hard watching someone else struggle and having no idea what to do or if anything could be done.
4. What 5 things do you want to do for yourself in 2012
-Everything that I mentioned in the last sentence for question one and more. I want to have closer relationships, especially with my parents. I want to be able to better live out my core beliefs and values. I want to take better care of my body. I want to hone my craft and really get my writing out into the world. And I hope that through all of that, I become a more confident and respected person.
5. What would you like to do for others in 2012?
-I want to really be there for someone and take care of them. I feel like a lot of the time I'm always the one being helped out and I would like to give back to my friends and family. I just wanted to feel not just needed, but wanted as well.
1. What 5 things have you done for yourself in 2011?
-In the first part of 2011, I made the choice to get an apartment as opposed to staying in the dorms for another year. Was it right? Yes and no. I believe that I could have picked a better place to live, and it may not have emotionally been the best idea to live with the person I am living with. But I don't regret it because I love having my own space and learning how to legitimately cook! There were other things that I started doing as well and would like to continue on into 2012. Specifically, sticking up for myself and asking for things when i need them, choosing to surround myself with good people, not being overly cautious and properly dealing with tough situations.
2. What 5 things have you done for others?
-This is a tough one because a part of me isn't sure as far as whether or not I did anything. I hope that I might have been able to make someone smile or laugh. That I might have cheered them up on a particularly bad day or made it a little brighter. And I hope that I might have inspired somebody, whether it be to let them know that accomplishing goals is not an impossible task, and/or how to live life a little bit more fully.
3. What held you back from doing things for others?
-I was rather insecure and afraid of how they would take it; normally I'm able to tell when someone is going through a rough time, but I never wanted to pry or be overbearing. Yet at the same time I wanted to scream, "For both our sakes, can you please just let me be a friend and help you out?" It was really hard watching someone else struggle and having no idea what to do or if anything could be done.
4. What 5 things do you want to do for yourself in 2012
-Everything that I mentioned in the last sentence for question one and more. I want to have closer relationships, especially with my parents. I want to be able to better live out my core beliefs and values. I want to take better care of my body. I want to hone my craft and really get my writing out into the world. And I hope that through all of that, I become a more confident and respected person.
5. What would you like to do for others in 2012?
-I want to really be there for someone and take care of them. I feel like a lot of the time I'm always the one being helped out and I would like to give back to my friends and family. I just wanted to feel not just needed, but wanted as well.
December 04, 2011
Backhanded By Reality
Day 4-Storms
Big or Small...what obstacles did you overcome?
I must confess that metaphorically, I saw the clouds on the horizon through what I witnessed happening around me. I heard the thunder in the words that people spoke. I even felt raindrops every once in awhile. So in other words, deep down I knew what was coming, but out of fear and wanting to remain an optimist, I thought that I could slowly maneuver my way around it. Yet, reality has a way of catching up with me every time.
Over labor day weekend, reality delivered its first slap in the face; so hard that emotionally it knocked me to my knees. Again, it wasn't out of shock, but rather I was in so much pain. I hated the fact that my roommate and I weren't best friends, that we weren't doing everything together like I thought roommates did, and that I wasn't able to be there for her and vice versa. I also hated the fact that I found myself in this predicament for the second time; I honestly believed college was going to be the time in my life where things would sort of get easier.
Through that, there were other little tidbits: Regardless of my age, there are always going to be certain struggles present in my life, especially struggles concerning friends and social situations. Being in college doesn't mean that people automatically mature enough to understand you or accept you. And just because someone can look you in the eye and promise you that they won't physically leave, it doesn't mean that they won't find a way to do it emotionally.
The second dose of reality was given to me just recently. It has been ongoing since this past summer, and at this point I can't say that I am ready to share exactly what it is; it is going to take some time to get things sorted out and right now it's impossible to speculate how everything will go. Despite being made aware of it beforehand, it still stung to where I couldn't feel anything else.
Through both of those trials, I have learned this much at least: you can only be ignorant of something for so long before it crashes down on you. And no matter how much you prepare yourself for the impact of something, it's still going to hurt.
I won't pretend that I have dealt with either of these things in the healthiest of ways; for a long time, I kept a lot of crap to myself, believing that not getting anyone else involved would somehow make it easier to handle. That, in turn, just made it harder because I was spending so much energy trying to put on a brave face and convince my loved ones that I was OK. There were also nights that I seriously considered going out completely by myself and just trying to numb myself against my feelings.
As the rain continues to fall, I have found comfort in something that I have struggled with for the last three years; faith. Faith in knowing that God is seeing and hearing everything that is going on. Faith in finding the ability to share these trials and tribulations with my friends, while not fearing any kind of judgement. And above all, simply praying that God will give be the strength and ability to get through it.
I have no way of predicting what 2012 will bring in terms of these circumstances. One thing that I live by is that life is not about what happens to you, but how you go about dealing with it. Come hell or high water, I hope to continue facing my struggles with dignity, grace, and strength.
Big or Small...what obstacles did you overcome?
I must confess that metaphorically, I saw the clouds on the horizon through what I witnessed happening around me. I heard the thunder in the words that people spoke. I even felt raindrops every once in awhile. So in other words, deep down I knew what was coming, but out of fear and wanting to remain an optimist, I thought that I could slowly maneuver my way around it. Yet, reality has a way of catching up with me every time.
Over labor day weekend, reality delivered its first slap in the face; so hard that emotionally it knocked me to my knees. Again, it wasn't out of shock, but rather I was in so much pain. I hated the fact that my roommate and I weren't best friends, that we weren't doing everything together like I thought roommates did, and that I wasn't able to be there for her and vice versa. I also hated the fact that I found myself in this predicament for the second time; I honestly believed college was going to be the time in my life where things would sort of get easier.
Through that, there were other little tidbits: Regardless of my age, there are always going to be certain struggles present in my life, especially struggles concerning friends and social situations. Being in college doesn't mean that people automatically mature enough to understand you or accept you. And just because someone can look you in the eye and promise you that they won't physically leave, it doesn't mean that they won't find a way to do it emotionally.
The second dose of reality was given to me just recently. It has been ongoing since this past summer, and at this point I can't say that I am ready to share exactly what it is; it is going to take some time to get things sorted out and right now it's impossible to speculate how everything will go. Despite being made aware of it beforehand, it still stung to where I couldn't feel anything else.
Through both of those trials, I have learned this much at least: you can only be ignorant of something for so long before it crashes down on you. And no matter how much you prepare yourself for the impact of something, it's still going to hurt.
I won't pretend that I have dealt with either of these things in the healthiest of ways; for a long time, I kept a lot of crap to myself, believing that not getting anyone else involved would somehow make it easier to handle. That, in turn, just made it harder because I was spending so much energy trying to put on a brave face and convince my loved ones that I was OK. There were also nights that I seriously considered going out completely by myself and just trying to numb myself against my feelings.
As the rain continues to fall, I have found comfort in something that I have struggled with for the last three years; faith. Faith in knowing that God is seeing and hearing everything that is going on. Faith in finding the ability to share these trials and tribulations with my friends, while not fearing any kind of judgement. And above all, simply praying that God will give be the strength and ability to get through it.
I have no way of predicting what 2012 will bring in terms of these circumstances. One thing that I live by is that life is not about what happens to you, but how you go about dealing with it. Come hell or high water, I hope to continue facing my struggles with dignity, grace, and strength.
December 03, 2011
A Sweet Victory
Day 3-Accomplishment
What did you accomplish in 2011 that you're most proud of?
There are numerous things that I accomplished this particular year; I was able to successfully adjust to University life and living away from home. I didn't gain the infamous "freshman fifteen" or screw up in any of my classes. I didn't get any drinking tickets (or any legal trouble, for that matter). I cultivated amazing relationships that taught me some extremely valuable lessons. Yet, those things are not what I am most proud of.
I shouldn't necessarily say proud, but rather humbled by; this isn't something that I did completely on my own. It took the help of my parents, a therapist, a supportive circle of friends and a lot of spiritual guidance in order to do it.
Nevertheless, I am most humbled by the fact that I am now in a place where I can say that I genuinely love and accept myself, exactly for who I am.
On the outside, this may not be that big of a deal, because most people do get to that place at some time in their life or another. But as someone who has battled with confidence and self-esteem issues since they were nine or ten years old, I'd say this is a pretty big feat.
It said that loving yourself first is often arrogant and selfish. But if you don't take care of yourself, how exactly will you be able to muster the will, energy, and ability to do the same for anybody else?
Perhaps it's because I've gotten past the whole college experimentation and have really begun to recognize who I am as both a woman and a human being. Perhaps it's because I've learned to let go and live life on a day to day basis. But what I do know is that I appreciate my good qualities and have stopped beating myself up about that not so good. As of right now, I am filled with joy and I am comfortable in my own skin.
Yet, self-love is not just about physical characteristics or personality. It is about going after your dreams and not caring about whether or not anyone believes you can do it. It is about realizing that you at least have the right to ask for something, and to fulfill your own needs and wishes. It is surrounding yourself with wonderful, genuine people. And is difficult as it may be, it is having the courage to distance yourself and even walk away from those that will ultimately cause you more harm than good.
I don't know where this newfound sense will take me in 2012, because life has a way of throwing curveballs and sometimes knocking you to the ground. But, I want to be able to go forward on a daily basis and achieve more goals and aspirations, especially since I will be entering my twenties. I hope I can be a role model for many and just shine a light wherever I may go.
Most of all, I want to never forget that I have a lot to offer, a lot to give, and that my best is enough.
What did you accomplish in 2011 that you're most proud of?
There are numerous things that I accomplished this particular year; I was able to successfully adjust to University life and living away from home. I didn't gain the infamous "freshman fifteen" or screw up in any of my classes. I didn't get any drinking tickets (or any legal trouble, for that matter). I cultivated amazing relationships that taught me some extremely valuable lessons. Yet, those things are not what I am most proud of.
I shouldn't necessarily say proud, but rather humbled by; this isn't something that I did completely on my own. It took the help of my parents, a therapist, a supportive circle of friends and a lot of spiritual guidance in order to do it.
Nevertheless, I am most humbled by the fact that I am now in a place where I can say that I genuinely love and accept myself, exactly for who I am.
On the outside, this may not be that big of a deal, because most people do get to that place at some time in their life or another. But as someone who has battled with confidence and self-esteem issues since they were nine or ten years old, I'd say this is a pretty big feat.
It said that loving yourself first is often arrogant and selfish. But if you don't take care of yourself, how exactly will you be able to muster the will, energy, and ability to do the same for anybody else?
Perhaps it's because I've gotten past the whole college experimentation and have really begun to recognize who I am as both a woman and a human being. Perhaps it's because I've learned to let go and live life on a day to day basis. But what I do know is that I appreciate my good qualities and have stopped beating myself up about that not so good. As of right now, I am filled with joy and I am comfortable in my own skin.
Yet, self-love is not just about physical characteristics or personality. It is about going after your dreams and not caring about whether or not anyone believes you can do it. It is about realizing that you at least have the right to ask for something, and to fulfill your own needs and wishes. It is surrounding yourself with wonderful, genuine people. And is difficult as it may be, it is having the courage to distance yourself and even walk away from those that will ultimately cause you more harm than good.
I don't know where this newfound sense will take me in 2012, because life has a way of throwing curveballs and sometimes knocking you to the ground. But, I want to be able to go forward on a daily basis and achieve more goals and aspirations, especially since I will be entering my twenties. I hope I can be a role model for many and just shine a light wherever I may go.
Most of all, I want to never forget that I have a lot to offer, a lot to give, and that my best is enough.
December 02, 2011
If Cinderella Can Do It...
Day 2-Whimsy
Whimsy: Recall a fairy tale-esque moment from 2011. An epic kiss? A triumphant victory? A Wonderland-esque adventure? How did this momentous or fanciful happening affect your outlook?
I wouldn't exactly call this little adventure a fairytale-esque moment (or night, for that matter). In fact, it is probably one of the most dangerous and whimsy things a young woman can do; especially if you're a young woman living in a college town. Despite all the things that could have easily gone wrong, it turned out to be one of the highlights of the semester, if not this year. And it taught me a lot about what one can learn if you just decide to take a chance.
It was the first weekend of the school year, and the second weekend I had been back in town. I was looking forward to it because I'd been spending a lot of time in my apartment unpacking and just being lazy. Up to that point, I had slowly begun to develop a case of cabin fever. I suggested to my roommate that we have a night on the town on Friday. Well, Friday rolled around and she made the whimsical decision to attend a wedding instead, leaving me to make different plans of my own. The way I saw it, I had two choices: stay inside my apartment for the umpteenth time and imagine what I might be missing, or throw caution to the wind, go out for a bit and see what would happen. It didn't take too long for me to make a decision, despite it being incredibly irrational.
Needless to say, it felt a little bit weird at first. For one, I wasn't with anybody initially and the actual nightclub doesn't open until eight o'clock (I had shown up about an hour beforehand). It was a little awkward at first, and not the first time I had been in that type of situation (I frequently went to high school dances on my own). For a moment, I considered heading back to my place and just watching a movie; yet, my intuition told me to stay put.
A short while later, I was approached by a small group of people in the bar area (again, the dance floor still wasn't open) and we chatted for a bit; I felt a little shy since I was alone, but they were all really nice and soon I became pretty comfortable. Plus, I'm definitely not one to pass up an opportunity to meet new people. In the middle of all that, someone else walked in.
Let me say this: He was definitely not Prince Charming (even though I don't believe in such as it is). Although I would get into a serious relationship with him, I still found him very attractive and considered him a friend. Since the girls were leaving, I decided to stay with him and catch up for a bit. I even felt brave enough to ask him to dance.
It wasn't the greatest of moments, not in the least bit; I had to ask two more times and he seemed more focused on texting and the posse that he was with. Add "groupies" into the mix (my term for girls that try a little too hard to get a guy on the dance floor) and the effort was no longer worth it. I wasn't there for a guy, but to just let loose a bit and have fun!
The rest of the night I pretty much just danced; so much in fact that I almost forgot that I had to leave by a certain time. By ten, I walked out drenched in sweat and with a bloody toe (note: never wear sandles; at least if you're prone to getting your feet stepped on) but I ran into another friend and returned home safely.
Again, I realize that in terms of safety, it was probably not the best decision. However, I gained a lot of confidence from doing so and was proud of myself for doing something because it made me happy. I learned that not all "fairytale" moments have to be romantic or even involve a guy; it can be wonderful simply because you let go of your inhibitions, and chose to make the most of whomever you were with.
I also learned that I deserve better than someone who's all talk and no follow through (this was the third time this kind of thing happened). Yes, some forget when they say they will do something, but I can only be forgiving up to a point. And if someone frequently makes you feel bad or uncomfortable when you're around them, then maybe it's time to let them go. Roller-coaster relationships (platonic or not) are unhealthy and not good for anyone.
Yes, she's a fictional character; but if Cinderella can walk in glass shoes, wear a dress that she's only tried on once, and show up completely by herself looking for a guy she's never met...well, why in the hell can't I do something a little crazy every once in awhile?
Whimsy: Recall a fairy tale-esque moment from 2011. An epic kiss? A triumphant victory? A Wonderland-esque adventure? How did this momentous or fanciful happening affect your outlook?
I wouldn't exactly call this little adventure a fairytale-esque moment (or night, for that matter). In fact, it is probably one of the most dangerous and whimsy things a young woman can do; especially if you're a young woman living in a college town. Despite all the things that could have easily gone wrong, it turned out to be one of the highlights of the semester, if not this year. And it taught me a lot about what one can learn if you just decide to take a chance.
It was the first weekend of the school year, and the second weekend I had been back in town. I was looking forward to it because I'd been spending a lot of time in my apartment unpacking and just being lazy. Up to that point, I had slowly begun to develop a case of cabin fever. I suggested to my roommate that we have a night on the town on Friday. Well, Friday rolled around and she made the whimsical decision to attend a wedding instead, leaving me to make different plans of my own. The way I saw it, I had two choices: stay inside my apartment for the umpteenth time and imagine what I might be missing, or throw caution to the wind, go out for a bit and see what would happen. It didn't take too long for me to make a decision, despite it being incredibly irrational.
Needless to say, it felt a little bit weird at first. For one, I wasn't with anybody initially and the actual nightclub doesn't open until eight o'clock (I had shown up about an hour beforehand). It was a little awkward at first, and not the first time I had been in that type of situation (I frequently went to high school dances on my own). For a moment, I considered heading back to my place and just watching a movie; yet, my intuition told me to stay put.
A short while later, I was approached by a small group of people in the bar area (again, the dance floor still wasn't open) and we chatted for a bit; I felt a little shy since I was alone, but they were all really nice and soon I became pretty comfortable. Plus, I'm definitely not one to pass up an opportunity to meet new people. In the middle of all that, someone else walked in.
Let me say this: He was definitely not Prince Charming (even though I don't believe in such as it is). Although I would get into a serious relationship with him, I still found him very attractive and considered him a friend. Since the girls were leaving, I decided to stay with him and catch up for a bit. I even felt brave enough to ask him to dance.
It wasn't the greatest of moments, not in the least bit; I had to ask two more times and he seemed more focused on texting and the posse that he was with. Add "groupies" into the mix (my term for girls that try a little too hard to get a guy on the dance floor) and the effort was no longer worth it. I wasn't there for a guy, but to just let loose a bit and have fun!
The rest of the night I pretty much just danced; so much in fact that I almost forgot that I had to leave by a certain time. By ten, I walked out drenched in sweat and with a bloody toe (note: never wear sandles; at least if you're prone to getting your feet stepped on) but I ran into another friend and returned home safely.
Again, I realize that in terms of safety, it was probably not the best decision. However, I gained a lot of confidence from doing so and was proud of myself for doing something because it made me happy. I learned that not all "fairytale" moments have to be romantic or even involve a guy; it can be wonderful simply because you let go of your inhibitions, and chose to make the most of whomever you were with.
I also learned that I deserve better than someone who's all talk and no follow through (this was the third time this kind of thing happened). Yes, some forget when they say they will do something, but I can only be forgiving up to a point. And if someone frequently makes you feel bad or uncomfortable when you're around them, then maybe it's time to let them go. Roller-coaster relationships (platonic or not) are unhealthy and not good for anyone.
Yes, she's a fictional character; but if Cinderella can walk in glass shoes, wear a dress that she's only tried on once, and show up completely by herself looking for a guy she's never met...well, why in the hell can't I do something a little crazy every once in awhile?
December 01, 2011
2011: The Year Of....
Last year, I participated for the first time in a blogging project called Reverb10. The idea was to reflect and write about the past year, depending on what the topic was about. I decided to partake in WEverb11; the idea is the same, although I'll be going about it a little differently. Yesterday I found out that it wouldn't be hosted by the same website, so I had to do some digging around; I may use a variety of different topics from different blogs/websites, but I will certainly give credit where credit is due at the end of each post. Hopefully anyone who reads this will enjoy my journey as I look back on this past year, and continue on into the next.
Day 1-One Word
Choose one word. Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why. Imagine it's one year from today, what would you like to be the word that captures 2012 for you?
At times I forget that 2011 didn't start at the beginning of August; that it has entailed both second semester of my freshman year and first semester of my sophomore year. There are a host of choices that I can easily pick from: honest, truth, self, being open, etc. But I genuinely believe that the best word would have to be authentic.
Although authentic is not the word I would have chosen for January through August, it most definitely stood out to me in regards to this year as a whole. It symbolizes the fact that I chose to stop trying to handle everything (and I literally mean everything) on my own and allow others to support me and be there for me.
I don't see it as lying about my character or personality, necessarily; that's not what I was doing. I had this whole (incredibly false) perception of what it mean to be "older" and to be an "adult." For instance, I couldn't cry. I could ask for help. I couldn't admit that I was struggling. And I couldn't admit that at first I had bitten off more than I could chew. At least not for a long time.
Instead, it was more of trying to project myself as a person that had it all together and could handle anything. I was scared of doing any of the things I mentioned above, out of not wanting to worry or let down my family. I was even scared around my closest friends, because it always seemed like they had it down to a science and I was feeling like the odd person out as it was.
It was, and still has been a very slow process. It has taken a therapist, laying down my pride, and faith in order to stop constantly relying on my own strength. That may be the norm in my generation, but it sure isn't who I am.
And since then, doing so has been a wonderful blessing. Not only has it brought me closer to those that I already care about, but has enabled me to connect with those that I wouldn't have previously taken the chance on.
I'm not looking for comfort or answers. I'm not depending on anyone to make it better. I'm just simply embracing the freedom of not having to hide from the rest of the world. It all feels absolutely amazing.
I hope to keep applying authenticity in 2012, but it different ways. I want to be completely open to whatever is in store for me in the coming year. I want to learn how to go with the flow instead of being stuck on things I cannot change. I want to keep not caring so much about what others think of me and speak up for what I need.
I want to be authentic and I'm not going to apologize for it.
This is the first post of what I've begun to call a "blogathon." For the next thirty one days, I'll be writing every day about what I've learned from 2011. I can't wait to see what this journey brings!
Day 1-One Word
Choose one word. Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why. Imagine it's one year from today, what would you like to be the word that captures 2012 for you?
At times I forget that 2011 didn't start at the beginning of August; that it has entailed both second semester of my freshman year and first semester of my sophomore year. There are a host of choices that I can easily pick from: honest, truth, self, being open, etc. But I genuinely believe that the best word would have to be authentic.
Although authentic is not the word I would have chosen for January through August, it most definitely stood out to me in regards to this year as a whole. It symbolizes the fact that I chose to stop trying to handle everything (and I literally mean everything) on my own and allow others to support me and be there for me.
I don't see it as lying about my character or personality, necessarily; that's not what I was doing. I had this whole (incredibly false) perception of what it mean to be "older" and to be an "adult." For instance, I couldn't cry. I could ask for help. I couldn't admit that I was struggling. And I couldn't admit that at first I had bitten off more than I could chew. At least not for a long time.
Instead, it was more of trying to project myself as a person that had it all together and could handle anything. I was scared of doing any of the things I mentioned above, out of not wanting to worry or let down my family. I was even scared around my closest friends, because it always seemed like they had it down to a science and I was feeling like the odd person out as it was.
It was, and still has been a very slow process. It has taken a therapist, laying down my pride, and faith in order to stop constantly relying on my own strength. That may be the norm in my generation, but it sure isn't who I am.
And since then, doing so has been a wonderful blessing. Not only has it brought me closer to those that I already care about, but has enabled me to connect with those that I wouldn't have previously taken the chance on.
I'm not looking for comfort or answers. I'm not depending on anyone to make it better. I'm just simply embracing the freedom of not having to hide from the rest of the world. It all feels absolutely amazing.
I hope to keep applying authenticity in 2012, but it different ways. I want to be completely open to whatever is in store for me in the coming year. I want to learn how to go with the flow instead of being stuck on things I cannot change. I want to keep not caring so much about what others think of me and speak up for what I need.
I want to be authentic and I'm not going to apologize for it.
This is the first post of what I've begun to call a "blogathon." For the next thirty one days, I'll be writing every day about what I've learned from 2011. I can't wait to see what this journey brings!
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